Chapter TWENTY-EIGHT
Fenris continued pacing, his path getting longer and longer as he regarded the road. Several hours HAD passed, and at last far into the distance, a group of travelers appeared on the horizon. There were six in total.
"I think that's them," Merrill said, appearing at his side when he ceased pacing and looked sharply at the road.
"I concur," Fenris growled in response.
"Perhaps I should speak to her first," Merrill diplomatically stated. "Your presence is likely to upset her."
Fenris was silent, his own thoughts consuming him. Aria should be upset. He had used her, in essence. Had admitted as much to her, before he left her. He hated himself all the more. He'd been the willing guard dog of a powerful magister. He'd slain other children to get this, to receive the power he now hated. He wanted her to hate him. He wanted her to be disgusted with his very presence. And he'd die defending her.
The party finally reached the gate an hour later, well into the morning. They were all covered with gore and dirt from their endeavors. Aria's visage was so pale it was nearly translucent, and dark purple stains existed under her eyes. Her hair had been re-plaited, but was dull compared to its normal luster. Varric and Anders looked dead on their feet, but seemed to regain some vitality now that they were home. Aveline was a mess and looked as though she'd just fought the Battle of Ostagar all over again. The two dwarves accompanying them went straight to Hightown with Aveline. Varric, Anders, and Aria remained when Merrill flagged them down from atop the gate.
"That can't be good," Varric wearily said when he saw Merrill and Fenris waiting at the gate.
"The last two people I thought I'd ever see willingly in each other's presence," Anders clipped.
Aria sighed and stretched her sore right shoulder. Scores of Darkspawn slain, five or six ogres, a few Golems... She bloody hated the blighted Deep Roads. Anders regarded her with worry when she flinched during the shoulder rotation. He stepped to her side and bathed the injured limb with healing white light. Aria nodded her thanks to him just as Merrill trotted up to them.
"We have to go to the alienage. Marethari is waiting for us," Merrill chimed as she took the pack off Aria's back.
Aria groaned theatrically and hung her head. "What now?"
"Feynriel has fallen ill, and his mother and the Keeper need your help to save him," Merrill kindly stated.
"No rest for the wicked," Aria wearily said, looking to Varric and Anders. She knew she wouldn't have to even ask. They both nodded at her and they followed Merrill to the alienage. Fenris trailed behind them a few paces, silent, his expression unfathomable.
Aria's heart was hammering frenetically and she fought the bile that threatened to rise in her throat at the presence of the elven warrior. She hadn't seen him in nearly three months. The memory of what they shared and how he left her was enough to render her instantly ill. He looked just as he had the last time she saw him. Beautiful, angry, righteous, indomitable. If he'd been as broken about the whole thing as Aria had been, she could not tell. That hurt her even more. He truly did not care. Everything Fenris had said and done to make her believe he felt for her as much as Aria felt for him was a farce. She felt so stupid. She felt helpless. And there was nothing she hated more in this world than that of feeling helpless.
"Are you ok?" Anders whispered near her ear, taking her arm as they bounded down the steps into the alienage. "Perhaps you should rest first. We've been going for two days straight now. You look like you're about to drop."
Aria patted his hand on her arm and looked ahead to avoid his gaze. "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger," she whispered in response.
Anders sighed and gracefully let go of her once they reached the hovel where Feynriel's mother lived. Merrill knocked on the door, and Marethari answered immediately.
"Andaran atish'an, child," the Keeper lovingly said, touching Merrill's cheek with her palm. The Dalish matriarch turned her gaze to Hawke and her brows knit together with concern. "Andaran a'tishan, Hawke. You look unwell. Are you sure you're up to this?"
Aria nodded and stepped forward, allowing the Keeper to embrace her momentarily in greeting. "I've been through worse. I can do this, whatever it is you need me to do."
They all stepped inside where enormous jars of lyrium were positioned about the room. Four bedrolls lay neatly at the center. A large, ancient-looking book laid open on a stand at the head end of the bedrolls. Arianni, Feynriel's mother, paced across the room, fear and anxiety evident in her expression.
Marethari informed them that they would all have to be asleep to enter the Fade. They would ingest sleeping herbs to accomplish this, though Aria would have no trouble falling asleep. Once they were in the Fade, Marethari and Merrill would use their magic to place them within Feynriel's dream. The demons had trapped him there, and Hawke would have to persuade him away from their influence. In the end, for Feynriel to leave the Fade, he'd have to denounce the demons and fight his way into the waking world again.
When she was done informing them of their tasks, Marethari took Hawke aside in the secluded pantry away from the ears of the others. Merrill prepared the herbs for ingestion while Anders, Varric, and Fenris looked on.
"There is one thing I must ask of you that may be very difficult," Marethari said once they were safely out of range.
"This is very dangerous, isn't it?" Aria nervously questioned, wringing her hands for a moment.
"It is, child. You are a remarkable young woman to do this. But if Feynriel falls prey completely to the demons, if there's any doubt of him coming back to us free of the demons, you must kill him. A death in the Fade will make him Tranquil, and render him harmless."
"And if I don't succeed?"
"Feynriel's power is unknown. Dreamers are very powerful mages, but their fortitude must be legendary in order for them to keep from succumbing to evil. If he becomes an abomination, there may be no stopping him," Marethari gravely stated.
"If I fail in saving him, I will do what is necessary," Aria wearily replied, peeking her head out to check on her companions. Fenris was close to the door now, no doubt eavesdropping. She sighed and avoided his gaze.
"I know it is a terrible thing to ask, but the consequences..."
"I understand. Let's get this over with, shall we?" Aria amiably said, going back out to the main room.
Fenris joined them and they stood next to their respective bedrolls. "I'm not too keen on going there."
"I'm afraid what might happen with Justice once we enter the Fade," Anders also voiced his concern.
"I must admit, I'm curious," Varric good-naturedly stated.
"We're here now. We're ready. Let's go bring that boy home," Aria said, her tone leaving no room for retreat.
They all laid down on their bedrolls once swallowing the foul liquid in the vials Merrill presented to them. Aria was instantly drowsy and slipped off to sleep before Marethari had even begun the incantation.
Aria looked around her, recognizing the Kirkwall Circle of Magi around her. The hall was empty as she entered, and everything looked as though it were transparent, as though if she touched anything, the stone in the walls, the iron bars on the windows, they would all evaporate.
A few moments later, Anders joined her, but he was not Anders. It was Justice in his full fury. He regarded Aria with open contempt, but still nodded respectfully as they met. Fenris appeared next, moving slowly, his head swiveling at every little noise. His great sword was drawn and held at the ready. Varric appeared last, his voice the first thing they heard.
"This is amazing! I'm in a dream, but I'm going to remember this when I wake up!" he laughed, coming in to view behind some barrels down the hall. He trotted over to them, his eyes taking everything in as though he was a child brought to a new land. He tried to touch the wall, yanking his hand back with a yelp, then burst into laughter. Aria shook her head.
"Their hold on him is strong," Justice said, looking around as though he were seeing demons approaching at every angle. "And his strength is waning. We must be quick."
Fenris said nothing, but fell in to step right beside Aria. She wished he would just hang back as he had been doing. She couldn't stand his presence right now; the wounds he'd lashed upon her heart were too fresh, too raw. Even here in the Fade, she could feel the heat radiating from him and at present, it was highly aversive. A flame she didn't want to touch. She'd been burned enough.
They left the Templar Hall and went into the courtyard, where a sloth demon who called himself Torpor immediately confronted them. Aria didn't listen to anything he had to say. Demons were never worth the time. Apparently he wanted to possess Feynriel, as if Torpor's mere presence wasn't enough provocation for her. Justice was equally provoked and his presence bolstered Aria's own fading strength.
She attacked with every ounce of fury she had. All Aria wanted to do was go home, lock herself in her room for a week, and just sleep. She used this refreshing rage at being denied her wishes to carry her through the battle with the demon. In the end, it was Justice who struck the final blow, much to Aria's dismay.
Once Torpor was slain, they moved on to a door, behind which Feynriel's voice could be heard. The lad was talking to an apparition of his father and sat at a writing desk. The apparition was apparently teaching Feynriel to read and write, so that the boy could fulfill a promise to compose all of his father's business correspondence.
"Mother!" Feynriel exclaimed in confusion as Hawke entered the room. Varric, Justice, and Fenris disappeared as the door closed.
Aria looked down at herself and realized she was now an apparition herself, in Arianni's form. She strode up to Feynriel. "Your father never wanted anything to do with you," Aria said with Arianni's voice.
"No, he's teaching me to write. Then I can travel with him and learn the business," Feynriel replied, though his words lacked conviction.
"Remember, Feynriel, I taught you to write. He was never there for you," Aria-Arianni countered.
"Wait..." Feynriel said, turning to the apparition of his father. "No! I know what you are!"
The boy ran, and Aria felt herself return to her own form. Her party members were beside her again. The apparition turned into a demon, its true form. She was a desire demon, and her name was Caress.
"You would rob me of the chance to change the world?" the demon asked as she approached Aria.
"I don't think I fancy your specific brand of change," Aria retorted, brandishing her weapons.
"Maybe not you, but Varric..." she said, her voice silken and tempting. "What if I told you I could help you find Bartrand? Would you not love to wreak the vengeance you deserve on him for his betrayal?"
Varric took a drowsy step forward, his eyes riveted on the demon's. "That son of a bitch," Varric growled. He turned to look at Hawke, then back at the demon.
"Kill her. Then we can go find Bartrand and you can do to him whatever you like," Caress smoothly purred.
Aria didn't have too much time to react. Varric fired Bianca at her, narrowly missing a heart shot. Fenris leaped between them and unleashed devastating attacks on the dwarf. Aria and Justice focused on the shades and rage demons Caress summoned to her defense. When Aria turned her attention to Caress, she watched as Fenris drove his great sword through her heart, effectively slaying the demon where she stood. Varric was gone.
"Your friends' loyalty is frail at best," Justice commented smugly as they exited the room and proceeded across the courtyard in search of Feynriel again.
"It takes a lot of courage and strength to refuse your heart's desires in the face of that which offers you the very means necessary to achieve them," Aria numbly stated, refusing to rise to the barb Justice twisted in her.
She wouldn't think about it. Not now. Varric's betrayal was minor in her eyes. She could not blame him. If a demon offered to free Bethany, to bring back Father and Carver, Aria doubted her own ability to refuse. Who was she to judge?
They moved across the courtyard, assaulted by more shades and a couple of rage demons along the way. Aria felt as though she did little to help defend Fenris and Justice. They practically slew the creatures before she had a chance to get a dagger in the fight. They knew she was tired, but it was no excuse.
They followed more voices to the great hall at the end of the row of offices where Orsino, the First Enchanter, and Meredith, the Knight-Commander, conducted their business. When they stepped inside, Fenris and Justice vanished again, leaving Hawke as an apparition of Orsino to deal with the scene that lay before them.
The demon posed as Marethari, playing to Feynriel's pride in having been accepted by the Dalish as their savior and most powerful ally. Hawke-Orsino shook her head at these wild praises and looked to Feynriel.
"You're not of the Dalish. You're half-human. You've been with the Dalish; are they so ready to accept a half-human as one of their own?" Hawke-Orsino asked Feynriel.
The boy's suspicions in the last encounter lent him insight he hadn't possessed before and he looked at the demon, who a couple of the elven apparitions around her called Wryme.
"You're not real. None of you. I won't deal with a demon!" Feynriel cried, disappearing again.
The facades vanished, and Fenris and Justice joined her once more. Wryme reared up to his full, terrible height and glowered down at Aria. He was hideous—purple and bulgy, with one great yellow eye that swirled malevolently to-and-fro.
"You have cost me dearly, child. These people flock to you because they perceive you as strong. Are you really?" he crooned maliciously.
"Dealing with demons... Why? Haven't any of you looked in a mirror once in your lives? You're hideous," Aria quipped, flipping one of her daggers idly as she normally did in the dance of words before a fight.
"You take such stock appearances. No wonder your friends' loyalty is so frail," Wryme chuckled, his horned, bulbous head swiveling towards Fenris. "Tell me slave, are you truly free? I could give you power enough to make you equal to all those who seek to keep you under their heels. You could take the Imperium by storm and crush them all."
"I..." Fenris started, taking a tentative step towards the demon. "You could do that?"
"That and so much more," Wryme cooed, one great yellow, serpentine eye meeting Aria's with a look of smug acknowledgment.
Fenris turned toward her, his greatsword poised to swing. The air rushed out of Aria's chest. Everything she thought he'd felt for her, everything he'd ever shared... She felt as though he'd reached into her rib cage and crushed her heart, as she'd seen him do many a time to many a foe. His eyes held no mercy as the sword came down.
The ear-shattering sound of metal on metal greeted her ears and she saw that Justice had blocked the blow with the tip of his staff. "Are you going to let this be the end?" Justice almost tenderly asked. "Fight!"
Aria was moved to action. Justice took care of Fenris while she slew the rage demons and shades that attacked them from all sides. She buried the hurt. She buried the pain. She locked away the sting of the betrayal. Right now, she could not feel anything but the song of battle thrumming through her muscles and her mind.
Justice ended Fenris, sending him back to wakefulness, then they tag-teamed Wryme until they were at last victorious. They ran back to the courtyard and found Feynriel waiting. He had changed. He had grown, and his face had lost some of the soft boyishness in favor of the harder lines of a man.
"Hawke!" he cried as Aria alighted the steps into the courtyard's center.
"Are you okay?" Aria asked him, embracing him briefly.
"Yes! I think I am. I'm ready to leave this place," Feynriel said. "But I can't go back to the Dalish. I have to get this under control. I can do this."
Aria smiled at this, knowing that she had succeeded. She wouldn't have to make him Tranquil. "Where will you go? What will you do?"
"Tevinter. They know about dreamers and the Fade. They can help me learn to master this power. I can't go back. Please, tell my mother not to worry? Perhaps once I'm not putting people in danger, I can return. But until then..."
"I will tell her," Aria said with a bow. Beside her, Justice smiled.
"Thank you, for everything," Feynriel said, quickly grasping her hand before he disappeared from the Fade.
"Well done," Justice simply said before he too disappeared.
Aria turned towards the gates. She didn't want to go back, herself. She didn't want to see Fenris. Or even Varric. Or Anders. She just wished they could put her at home, in her own bed, and leave her alone. She wouldn't mind if that meant for the rest of her life, even. She could feel a tugging within her head, and she knew Marethari was calling her back. She fought it and decided to go to the mages' quarters. Maybe Bethany was there. She desperately wanted to see her sister, to talk to her, to let all of this out to someone she knew would actually care.
Aria ran to the mage quarters, fighting hard against Marethari's magic, and threw open the door. Bethany sat on a cot, a gaggle of children surrounding her while she read to them. She turned... And Aria was looking into Marethari's eyes. The elf said nothing, but her eyes were full of concern.
Tears rolled down Aria's cheeks and she closed her eyes tightly. How much could a heart take? How much could a body take? How much could a mind take? She wanted to break, but something in her just wouldn't let it happen. A sob racked her body and Aria rolled onto her side, her arms wrapped around her own rib cage as though to keep herself from exploding into a million shards. Marethari stroked her hair, drawing her head to rest in the matriarch's lap.
No one said anything. Anders knelt next to Marethari and Aria, confusion and worry playing across his visage in dark waves. Aria curled her knees to her chest and fought the sobs that ripped through her body. Anders lifted her then, cradling her to him. He looked to Marethari.
"You said she was successful—what happened?" Marethari asked Anders in a hushed tone. Arianni looked on in fear.
"She was fine when Justice left the Fade. I don't know why it was so hard to bring her back or what she saw. She needs rest. She's been awake three days straight now and has been fighting the entire time."
Marethari nodded and leaned close so that she could whisper in Aria's ear. "No matter what you saw, child, it wasn't real. Demons know what each of us need most in our lives, and they'll use that any way they can to break us. Don't let that light go out. Too many love you and depend on it."
Aria clutched Anders's cloak to her face at this and her sobbing grew. Marethari smoothed her hair, a sad smile on her lips. She nodded mutely and Anders took leave with Aria in his arms, pointedly ignoring Varric and Fenris.
She fell back asleep before he'd even left Arianni's hovel, leaving Marethari to explain everything to Arianni. But there were no dreams this time. There was only darkness and consciousness was blessedly rendered unattainable.
Anders woke her before he set her down on her doorstep. Several onlookers looked at them with varying expressions of shock, fear, scandal, distaste, and a few of compassion. Aria didn't care. She straightened herself and wiped her eyes.
"Thank you," she managed, not refusing the embrace he engulfed her in, his chin resting on her shoulder.
"I'm not going to ask. I know Varric and Fenris betraying you was not something that would undo you, though. I just... I want you to have peace, Aria. I want you to be happy," he murmured, smoothing her hair as Marethari had done.
She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and buried her face against his chest. "Those things... They're nothing I will ever have. I think the sooner I come to terms with that, the less I'll be hurt by them."
Anders pulled away to look down into her eyes. Night had fallen, and the full moon made the Hightown mansions and courtyards as bright as day with its silvery light. Aria didn't care anymore who saw. Her life wasn't her own anymore. She belonged to Kirkwall, and no one else. But Kirkwall didn't care, so long as she kept defending it.
"You will. Some day. The night is darkest before the dawn."
"Right. Well, the night's still pretty bright now, so I guess I'm fucked," Aria bitterly laughed, swiping at her tears.
Anders laughed too and he gently released her. "Get some rest. I'll call on you in the morning to see how you're doing."
"Thank you. Good night, Anders."
"Good night, Aria," he said, kissing her hand and departing quickly.
Aria went inside and bolted the door behind her. Bodahn met her as she entered the large hall after the foyer.
"Mistress, you look weary to the bones," Bodahn sadly said as he took her cloak.
"I am. But I think right now, I'm more hungry than weary," Aria mustered some fake cheer for the kindly dwarf's benefit.
"You're just in time, then. Orana and I just put supper on. Your mother is at a dinner party with some of her noble friends," Bodahn replied, hanging her cloak on the wall rack. "Shall I have Sandal put some water for a bath on the fire?"
"No, don't trouble him. I see he's quite engrossed in his enchantments. I can put the water on myself," Aria kindly said, following Bodahn into the great hall. She went over to her desk and found several letters needed her attention. She grabbed them and took them upstairs where she deposited them on her writing desk. She then went and sat on the edge of her bed, looking into the flames roaring in the hearth there.
Aria's thoughts turned back for the thousandth time to Fenris. He'd betrayed her in the Fade for power. Varric had done the same. This fact softened the blow to her heart that was Fenris's betrayal. She held Varric in the highest esteem and knew that his actions would bother him far more than they bothered her. Did Fenris feel the same? After the cold glare he'd given her as she returned to Kirkwall from the Deep Roads, she had deep doubts. If he felt so much hatred for her, why come? Why was he even waiting at the gates for her at all? Worst of all, with Merrill? He despised her to the core.
Her head hurt. Her heart hurt. Her bones ached at the very marrow with exhaustion. But the thought of sleep was even more unbearable. She didn't want to see Bethany in her dreams. Aria missed her sister terribly, and she felt as though she had no one with whom she could confide. No one but Fenris knew what happened, though the past few weeks, several of her closest companions had questioned after her. She knew if she confided in any of them, it would create a rift in their unique little fellowship. And though he would never admit it, Fenris still needed all of them. Being as close as they all were however, she wouldn't be able to keep it a secret for much longer.
Varric asked if she'd slept more than an hour a night for the past month, then asked who had given her twin black eyes. He visited almost every evening with the rumours of Kirkwall and to ask Aria's advice on business matters with the guild. He even had flowers sent to her the day before they left for the Deep Roads; a lovely bouquet of at least five different species of purple flowers.
Anders said nothing, but had increased his gestures of kindness; not in a way that could be construed as overly affectionate or trying too hard, but friendly. Thoughtful. Little things that helped her or that he knew she'd like; like sending her a new whet stone and polishing silks, having tea with her in the early evening at his clinic, and sending a man to repair her broken chandelier; courtesy of Sandal.
Aveline wasn't as cross with her as usual and actually did her awkward best to lighten Hawke's mood. She told jokes where she nearly always fudged the punchlines, asked Aria to host a few training sessions for the guard's rogues, and she droned on about the proper length of a good dagger. Aria was thankful for the distractions; awkwardness felt much better than pain.
Isabela had begged Aria to go shopping with her, and when trying on dresses, Isabela had looked at her with such sadness Aria thought perhaps she had imagined it. Later, Isabela forced Aria to eat an entire coconut shell filled with cheese curds and some sinfully delicious ice cream. Aria actually enjoyed the ice cream enough to have a second helping. Then Isabela forced her to get drunk. Perhaps forced wasn't the right word, but prior to that, Hawke hadn't drank anything but water and subsisted off the bare minimum just to keep her stomach from rumbling in over two months.
Merrill had been the most prevalent. The few days before Aria departed for the Deep Roads, Merrill was nearly a constant companion, chattering away about anything and everything, dragging Aria to the gardens, or to the alienage for charity work she did, or to cliffs to count the ships in the harbour. Aria was thankful for the elf's efforts and found she rather enjoyed Merrill's bubbly, naïve, sweet brand of personality. Aria was at a loss for how something so rooted in good could accept the offer of something so brazenly evil.
"Mistress?" Orana's voice cut into her thoughts.
"I'm sorry, did you need something?" Hawke distractedly responded.
"Supper is ready. May I...inquire after something, Mistress?"
Aria nodded. "Of course. What is it?"
"I know it's not my business entirely, but I cannot stand to see you so unhappy. I saw some of the servants fall in love, in Tevinter. It is both tragic and wonderful. My own mother met my father under Hadriana's family's ownership. Papa used to tell me that sometimes, you have to go through all the unpleasantness in the world in order to understand and appreciate the joy and the beauty of life. He also used to say, 'Mend a bird's broken wing, and they'll never stop flying'," Orana sweetly said, taking Hawke's hand to help her stand.
Aria regarded the servant girl with awe. "How old are you, Orana?"
"17, Mistress."
"You are far too young to be that profoundly wise," Aria complimented her, wrapping an arm around Orana's shoulders. "What's for supper?"
"A fine mutton stew, fire-seared asparagus, and black cherry tart," Orana giggled.
"That sounds sublime," Aria groaned, her stomach rumbling in agreement. At least her appetite was returning.
Aria ate supper with her servants and though she said little, she felt very involved in their conversations and camaraderie. Their mirth and normalcy brought warmth to the chill that had taken her bones. They included her and seemed overjoyed when she responded. When she climbed the staircase to go to bed, Orana stopped her at the bottom step.
"I've never felt more like an equal anywhere else in my life," she said, tears in the corners of her large, green eyes.
Aria came down the stairs and embraced the girl for a moment. "I am thankful that you are here."
"Thank you, Mistress. I feared I was too bold with you earlier, but yet I feel I must say one more thing. I hope it does not cause you distress, nor do I hope that you will think less of me for saying so," she said, sniffling a little. Her spine stiffened and she gently took Aria's shoulders. "He's miserable without you, and I don't know what happened between you, but if you could just forgive him... I think it would all be okay."
Aria smiled at this, but it did not reach her eyes. Maker, did everyone know and they just weren't saying anything?! "It isn't me that has to forgive him. He must learn to forgive himself."
Orana nodded. "If there's nothing else you need of me, I bid you good night, Mistress."
"Good night, Orana," Hawke replied, going back up the stairs and finally into her bedroom. She softly closed the door and looked over at her writing desk. One of the letters bore the seal of the Viscount, another bore the seal of Orsino the First Enchanter, and still another bore the seal of Knight-Commander Meredith. Aria sighed wearily and tossed them to the floor. She then took up her journal, opened to the end of the last entry, and began writing.
ooooooo
The sound of pots clanging around in the kitchen woke her early the next morning. Aria stood and stretched, her joints sore from sleeping in unnatural positions. She still wore her armour, and she reeked of stale sweat, blood, and road grime. She glanced over at the hearth and saw that the three enormous kettles she would have used for her bath were already full and warming in the coals. Aria smiled at this, then sat down to re-read what she had penned in her journal last night. Her eyes stopped on the last line, an unfinished sentence.
He wanted to be seen as an equal to the Magisters
Aria re-read the sentence at least ten times, mulling that around in her brain. She decided to leave the journal entry there. With a satisfied sigh, she snapped the book shut and set about getting cleaned up from a very, very long journey.
It was a new day and she was tired of feeling like a schooner had sailed through her chest.