Apologies for another long delay! Enjoy :)

I couldn't sleep. Every time I tried all I could hear in my head was the voice on the phone. Female...calm...yet telling me that Kate was sick and on her way to hospital. All I could feel was the sense of panic that had washed over me at the thought of something happening to my baby. It was like a weight pressing down on my chest, making it hard to breathe and I sat up in bed, gulping for air, gaining no comfort from the darkened room. Ben slept on beside me, oblivious to my distress. I could just make out his profile in the darkness but, for once, it brought me no comfort.

I slid out of bed, pulled on my robe and checked Kate's cot before making my way out into the living room and sitting down on the couch. Lifting the remote, I switched on the television then muted it, allowing the pictures on the screen to wash over me. I felt so helpless, knowing that there was nothing I could do, nothing that Ben could do. This wasn't a situation where he could sweep in and solve everything. He was as much in the dark as I was and, for the first time in a long time, I felt alone.

I would have loved a drink. Back in those dark days of depression and self loathing, a bottle of wine had been the ultimate comfort. The feeling of the liquid sliding down my throat, the sense of my head lifting slightly away from by body, the sensation of giving myself over to something else...it was a heady brew, one that I didn't trust myself to be able to control. Since the day I had arrived at the treatment center, I hadn't touched a drop and had never really missed it, until now. I knew there was beer in the fridge. I could have one and maybe...maybe it might help...

"Don't be stupid," I whispered fiercely in the silence. "Don't be so fucking stupid."

Getting to my feet, I paced slowly up and down the room, trying to work out who could be behind this, who could hate us enough to want to scare us. I thought about clients that I had represented in the past, defendants that I knew Ben had prosecuted, people who might bear a grudge. The Lucchese family...someone connected to Ann Madsen...the spectre of Edward...I shivered, tightening my robe around my body. He was dead, long dead and yet there were times when I was convinced that he still haunted me.

Perhaps ending therapy when I did had been a mistake. I knew that Elizabeth had been wary about me giving up only six months after leaving treatment, but at the time I had felt it was the right thing to do. I believed I had talked through everything I could talk through, explained every feeling I had, mulled over every emotion...Ben and I had been heading to Italy to get married, I had been so happy...there had seemed no need to carry on. And for almost two years, I thought it had been the right decision. Marriage to Ben, giving birth to Kate, working in my new job...I hadn't needed someone to talk to. Now, however, it scared me slightly how dark my thoughts could become so quickly when faced with a problem.

"Are you ok?"

I jumped suddenly at the sound of a voice behind me and, turning, saw Pamela standing watching me. "Yes," I replied, once my heart rate had started to slow. "Yes, I'm fine."

"What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"Because of what happened yesterday?"

"Yes," I replied honestly, seeing little point in trying to pretend otherwise. "I guess I'm still a little shaken. What are you doing up?"

She shrugged, "I couldn't sleep either. I've got this test so..."

"Are you worried about it?" I asked, almost pleased for the distraction. She shrugged again. "I'm sure you'll do fine."

"Did you talk Dad into letting Andrew come over this weekend?"

"No, it was his idea."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why does he want him to come over?"

"He wants to meet him...properly. We both do." I had hoped that I sounded genuine but I could tell that Pamela wasn't convinced. "We want to get to know him."

"It's because of what happened, isn't it?"

I thought about keeping up the pretence and then realised that I had no strength to. "Yes, I suppose it is. He...we...would rather that we knew where you were, that's all, and seeing as you'll no doubt want to spend time with Andrew, we thought it would be better if you were both here."

"He's not going to let him stay the night though, is he?" Pamela folded her arms across her chest.

"No, probably not, unless he sleeps on the couch."

"It's not fair."

"No, I guess it's not," I replied, rubbing my eye and desperately hoping that we could avoid an argument about it. "But he's your dad and whilst you live here you have to abide by his rules."

"But..."

"Pam, I'm not going to argue with you about it!" I snapped.

"Fine!" she turned and stalked back into her room, mercifully refraining from slamming the door behind her, and I sank down onto the couch feeling tears quickly forming.

I was useless as a stepmother. I had tried so hard since leaving treatment to take things slowly with both Peter and Pamela, aware of what they had been through on so many levels. Sometimes I thought I had got it right and other times I was convinced that they both hated me. And now Kate...my own child...I couldn't even keep her safe. Never mind being a stepmother, what kind of mother was I that I couldn't even protect my own child?

"Stop it. Stop it, stop it, stop it!" I beat my hand against my forehead, knowing that I couldn't give into this, couldn't give in to whoever it was that trying to do this. "You're stronger than this. You're fine. Kate's fine. You're fine." I shivered again and, suddenly feeling desperate for the warmth of my own bed, hurriedly made my way back into the bedroom, slipped off my robe and slid back under the covers. Ben stirred slightly as I pressed myself against him and though the heat from his body flooded through mine, I still couldn't help feeling an icy chill of uncertainty.

XXXX

"Are you sure you're going to be alright?" Ben asked the next morning, hovering at the door to the apartment, briefcase in hand. "I could stay home..."

"No," I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt. "I'll be absolutely fine. Kate and I will just hang out here together and have fun until you come home. You said that you wanted to speak to Adam anyway and I think that it's a good idea. He might be able to suggest something practical that we can do other than wait for the police."

"If you're sure..."

"I am sure, really I am," I smiled encouragingly at him. "I just didn't sleep too well, that's all. But I'll be able to have a nap later when Kate does."

"You should have woken me," he said, not for the first time since I had told him of my early morning wanderings.

"There would have been no point in both of us getting no sleep," I replied, also not for the first time. "Really, I'm fine."

He nodded and then turned towards Pamela's room. "Pam! Hurry up if you want dropped off! Oh, by the way..." I looked up. "Remind me to talk to you later about Meredith Holbrook."

"Who?" I asked, confused.

"It doesn't matter right now, just remind me later." He sighed. "Pam, hurry up!"

"I'm coming!" Pamela came out of her room and stormed over to the front door, barely giving me a second glance as she wrenched it open and made her way into the hall. Clearly, she was still pissed at what I had said during the night not that, in the cold light of reality, I had said anything I felt I should chastise myself over.

Ben paused again and I could see inner conflict play out on his face. "Are you sure...?"

"Ben, just go!" I sighed. "Please. The sooner you go, the sooner you can come home."

"Ok," he stepped towards me and dropped a kiss on my cheek before heading back to the door. "Call me if you need anything, ok?"

I nodded and let out a long slow breath as he walked out and closed the door behind him. On the floor in front of me, Kate was playing happily on her mat and, for a brief time, I felt relieved to have the apartment to myself. I flicked the television on again and turned it to cartoons, the noise of which caught Kate's attention, allowing me to make myself another coffee in the kitchen. By the time I had stirred in the milk, brought it back over to the couch and drank half of it, however, my relief at being alone had evaporated. I suddenly felt chilled again, despite the hot liquid, so I hurried over to the thermostat and cranked it up a few notches. The apartment slowly grew warmer and yet the iciness inside me persisted. Perhaps I had been too quick to tell Ben to leave. Perhaps I should have told him to stay with us and work from home. He could have done that. There would have been no difficulty. He wasn't in court today. Adam would have understood...

"Stop this..." I whispered to myself again. "Stop it. You're fine."

Half an hour later, the phone rang and I found myself staring at it, too afraid to pick up, terrified that I would hear her voice again, as ridiculous as that was. Kate was here with me, she was safe...but Ben wasn't and neither was Pamela...or Peter. It rang onto answer, but the caller hung up without leaving a message. I tried not to read anything into it. "Probably just a wrong number," I told Kate cheerfully before losing myself in an intense game of peekaboo, the sound of her laughter warming the chilled parts of my body.

Half an hour later, the phone rang again and, once again, no message was left. I felt myself start to shake, so I lifted the receiver and called Ben's number only to hear it ring out at the other end. Cancelling the call, I dialled Elizabeth's office number, only for her secretary to advise that she was out. I tried her home number only to get her machine. I called the public defender's office and asked to speak to Shambala, only to be told that she was in court. I called Mike's precinct on Staten Island, only to be told he wasn't at his desk. I called Peter's dorm at Michigan only to be told he was in class. I called Ben's mother, Mary, only to get her machine. I called Claire, only for her secretary to tell me she was in court.

My fingers hovered over the buttons as the dial tone buzzed in my ear. There was only one person I had left to call and yet, I wasn't sure I could bring myself to do it. I hadn't spoken to my mother in almost a year. Too many things had been said and I had long since given up on the hope of her suddenly admitting her failings and declaring that she wanted a relationship, for Kate's sake if nothing else. I had to wonder what calling her would achieve.

I replaced the receiver and turned back to where Kate was crawling over towards me. Swooping down to pick her up, I could immediately smell that she needed a diaper change and whilst that distracted me for a few minutes, once done, I knew that I needed to get out of the apartment. I dressed Kate warmly and filled her changing bag, pausing for a brief moment to consider whether I should take the thirty-eight out of the locked box on top of the wardrobe and take it with me.

Ben hated the gun. Although this one was legally purchased and I had a permit for it, he would frequently tell me that he wasn't comfortable with it being in the apartment. I often wondered what he thought might happen. Did he think that Pamela would somehow get to it in a hormonal fuelled rage and massacre us? Knowing it was there had always made me feel better and when we had fought bitterly about it, just before getting married, I had told him that I would call the whole thing off if he couldn't simply accept its presence.

In the end, I elected to leave it where it was and once I had Kate in her stroller and we were making our way down the street, I started to feel better. The sun was shining, despite the low temperature and the cold air in my lungs felt good. I pounded the sidewalk, unsure of where I was heading, but just grateful to be outside amongst other people. The motion of the stroller led to Kate nodding off and I was standing at a crossing, looking down lovingly at her sleeping face, when a hand suddenly touched my arm and I whirled around to see the face of a young woman standing behind me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," she said. "I thought it was you, but I wasn't sure." My mind raced, but I found I couldn't place her, and the fact that she had me at a disadvantage somehow terrified me. "Michelle," she said. "Michelle Farisi? We ran into each other last weekend at the bistro?"

"Oh...yes..." I said, recognition flooding back at the woman who had stopped me on the way back from the restroom and spoken to me about the conference I had spoken at. "Yes, I remember. I'm sorry, I was miles away."

"That's alright, I don't blame you. This little one would captivate anyone's attention," she replied, looking down into the stroller. "She is beautiful. What's her name?"

"Kate."

"Such a pretty name." She met my gaze again. "Where are you headed?"

"Oh, nowhere in particular," I replied. "Just out for a walk."

"Well, it's a beautiful day for it. I've got the day off so I was just going to head over to Talisker for some brunch."

"Talisker..." I frowned, "but that's near the park." She looked at me. "I didn't...I mean, I didn't realise I had walked that far."

"Are you alright?" she asked. "You look really pale."

"Yes I'm...I'm fine..." I glanced around, suddenly aware of where I was and how many people were pushing by. The city was so crowded, sometimes I forgot just how much, and I couldn't believe how far away from the apartment I now was. "I should be heading back."

"Wait, why don't you join me?" Michelle asked, putting her hand on the handle of the stroller. "I'd love to talk to you some more about the conference and you look as though you could use a hot cup of coffee."

"Well..." I paused, glancing down at Kate again. If I walked back home I would be alone again and maybe the phone would ring again and it would be hours yet before Ben would be home.

"Please, I'd love your company."

I looked into Michelle's earnest face and shrugged. "Sure, why not."