I woke up the next morning my eyes not wanting to open. I just lay there staring up at the inside of the impala. The car was moving and that meant that at least one of the guys was awake. Neither asked me anything after my sisters "funeral". They just said they were sorry and then shut up. Sam sat up front with his brother in complete silence. As if opening their mouths was going to end the world. Part of me appreciated that, the other part of me wanted them to bicker, argue, anything to break the awkward silence...

instead, I fell into an uneasy sleep in the backseat, waiting for us to get us where ever we were going. I was awake now, and I wasn't sad, or angry any more. I was just me again. I sat up and leaned forward, laying my chin on the back of the front seat. Sam was driving and dean was asleep still. I just stared out of the windshield. Sam knew I was there, but he just sat there. I leaned over the seat a little and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He looked at me a little concerned.

"what?" I asked softly.

Sam just shook his head and smiled a little. I guess he knew I needed that, his smile. I smiled back. I wanted to sleep in a real room with Sam, not in the car behind him. I looked over at dean and my smile softened.

"why don't we stop for the rest of the night... I could use a real bed... and from the looks of your brother, he could too." I said to Sam.

"yeah, alright." Sam replied and he pulled the car onto the next exit. We stopped at a nice motel off the highway. Sam walked into the main office, and I woke dean up. He jumped and I just looked at him.

"what's going on?" he asked a little confused.

"we're at a motel. You know, four walls and a real bed." I replied sarcastically.

Dean gave me a look. I gave him the same look back, and then leaned back in the seat. He turned and looked at me more sympathetic this time.

"i am sorry Sara... I know what your going through..." he said to me... I looked out the window. I didn't want to hear this from dean... I was to stubborn to except any more comfort, especially not from dean...

"dean, please don't. I don't want to talk about this..." I said to him. He just turned around.

"i know the feeling, consider it dropped." he replied as he got out. He almost seemed angry. And it hurt thinking it was most likely my fault. Sam came out a minute later with two keys. He handed one to his brother and they stood at the trunk of the impala talking. I knew what they were talking about me... I just sat there and waited. A few minutes later the trunk opened and closed. Sam leaned into the car and smiled at me.

"you ready?" he asked me. And I nodded getting out of the car. I closed the car door, and followed him to the room. It was a small queen room. But it was clean and cozy. I walked over to the bed and lay down. It was soft and I almost fell asleep again. I looked over at Sam who was going through his bag. I got up and grabbed my bag. I needed to get out of my dirty clothes. They smelled of smoke and dirt. I officially hated that smell. I grabbed a clean pair of underwear, and a clean t-shirt.

"I'm gonna take a shower, I'll be out in a few minutes..." I said to him. He nodded and I walked away. I closed the bathroom door just enough to block Sam's view of my naked body. I was so tired. I leaned against the counter and stared at my worn reflection. I got myself into the shower and turned the water on as hot as I could stand it. I stood under the hot water and let it wash away the past few days. It felt like I was melting into a relaxed state. I stood there and waited. But I wanted something. I stepped out of the shower and rapped a towel around my body. I was still dripping wet when I stepped out. I didn't care. I walked right past dean, who I had no clue why he was there, up to Sam and kissed him. He kissed me back and I pulled away and walked back to the bathroom. I heard dean ask " what the hell was that?", as I left. I stood in the bathroom and dried off.

As I got dressed I heard dean leave and Sam approach the bathroom. He knocked lightly on the door and pushed it open when I didn't say anything. I was pulling my shirt on when he came in. he blushed as usual. And I just kept dressing.

"hey, you alright, you were kinda in a daze back there?" Sam asked gesturing towards the other room.

"i just wanted to kiss you, it was almost like I couldn't control it anymore." I said to him with a little smile.

"okay, well, here's the question of the year... are you okay?" Sam asked. I busted out laughing. Not just from the way Sam said what he said, but because he asked his favorite question in the universe... I leaned into Sam and my laughs turned into sobs. I cried into his chest and hated myself for breaking down. He rapped his arms around me and hugged me tight.

"you want to talk about her?" he asked me.

"i... don't... think... I can..." I cried. I just leaned into Sam, not expecting what came next. He picked me up and carried me to the next room. He put me on the bed, laying next me. He put an arm under me curling me to his body.

"she was such a brat when we were little..." I tried to laughed, but the tears just came faster and harder.

"but she worshiped me and I loved that about her. She worshiped our dad too... it was our mother we were terrified of..." I said through sobs. "our mother hated our father so much that she hated us along with him... me more because I was actually my fathers daughter..."

I sobbed into Sam's chest and I went on...

"when dad died, mom took Jen and disappeared off the face of the earth... the last I saw of her was at dad's funeral. Mom left me behind, saying she didn't want me in her life... that I was nothing... and that she didn't want me around jenny anymore... she told jenny I hated her..." I sobbed till there were no more tears... Sam just rubbed my back and held me. I was finally starting to calm down. I looked up at him, and I kissed him. He kissed me back and held me tight. The moment was almost perfect, if not for my desperate pain. I wanted it all to go away, so I could have my moment with Sam. But instead I pushed him so slightly away so I could look into his eyes...

"i want what we have to be perfect... to not have my sadness to get in the way, Sammy... I am falling for you, but right now... I don't want us to get messed up because of all this..." I explained to him... he smiled down at me.

"that's fine Sara. I understand... I'm falling for you too. Try to get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up..." Sam said to me.

Sam got up and I slipped under the quilt with him. I snuggled into him and closed my eyes. I fell asleep quickly and Sam was right there with me. My emotions drained me to the point of no dreaming. And it was weird how peaceful I was in that moment...