Chapter FORTY-SEVEN

It started to rain about two hours into their journey the next day, but it didn't really matter. When Jeran hitched up that morning, he'd put Aria and Fenris's horses at the front, giving them six horses to pull the coach instead of four. It would make for quicker going and would also be less strenuous on the horses. Aria slept fitfully in the carriage, her head in Fenris's lap. She only woke when they stopped for lunch and to water and feed the horses. While the men set up the food, Aria sneaked off to the river with her toiletries. Once she had washed up again, growing more and more worried by the heaviness of this moon time, she returned to the coach and ate but little. Her stomach was roiling and just the thought of food made it worse. The only things she could stomach were wafers and water.

"You've a fever," Fenris whispered once they were underway again, the back of his hand gently resting on her forehead. "And you need to eat more than just wafers. You're so pale you're almost translucent."

Aria sighed and wearily closed her eyes, working to keep both the physical and emotional anguish she felt from her features. "I'm just tired."

"Lying to me is insulting," he gently said, hurt heavily lacing his undertone. "Don't we trust each other more than this?"

Aria opened her eyes and fought the tears welling in her tear ducts. "I'm just...tired, Fenris."

"Then drink another health potion. It can only help."

She just shook her head, the only response she could muster at present.

"Stubborn little..." He sighed and looked out the window at the cold grey sky.

Aria rested her head against the window pane. It was cool and soothing against her forehead, a welcome momentary relief. She fell asleep again and didn't wake until they reached the next stop, which brought them to Lake Calenhad, and the Ferelden Circle of Magi. Aria ate after they'd unloaded their luggage in their rooms. She sent Fenris and Jeran on a procurement errand to restock their dwindling supplies, then called for a bath. While she waited for the water to warm up, she set to scrubbing her dusty and somewhat bloody clothes in the wash basin, using ample amounts of soap to get it all out. The inn keeper's wife came up to check on her, and she saw the blood in the wash water.

"Oh, child," the woman said as she looked at the water, her kind grey eyes going wide. "Are you unwell?"

"No, no," Aria said, shaking her head and trying to hide the extent of the state of her undergarments. She couldn't quell the sudden sob that escaped her. She sniffled, wiped her nose on her sleeve, and continued, "It's just...that time."

The woman was silent and pulled on some rubber gloves, then set to work with Aria. They plunged and scrubbed the clothes in Aria's sweet smelling soaps. They changed the water two more times before the clothes were all clean. The kindly woman hung them on the line and used a pulley to run them out the window, where they hung behind the inn out of sight of the casual passer by.

Before she took her leave, the middle-aged woman stopped in the doorway and looked at Aria. "I can bring you a tea. It will...lessen your discomfort. And if you can, you should go see a midwife. I know of one who is very discreet, should the situation call for it."

"Thank you. But I will be fine. The tea would be most appreciated. The other is...unnecessary," Aria softly replied.

"I'll bring that right up for you," she said with a sad smile.

"Thank you," Aria returned it. Once the door was closed, Aria slipped out of her robe and into the tub. She washed her body quickly and had set aside water to wash her hair separately. She did it quickly and she had only just finished dressing when the innkeeper's wife returned with the tea. On the tray with the tea was a loaf of fresh baked bread, pats of sweet butter, and a jar of honey.

"The honey's to help the tea go down," the innkeeper's wife said, spooning some of the honey into the tea and stirring it. "Drink it quickly. It takes a right foul taste when it sets too long." She smiled again and was quickly gone from the room.

Aria dashed over to the tray, ladled another spoonful of honey into the tea, and briskly stirred it. It definitely wasn't something she'd request to drink on the regular, but she could stomach it easily enough with copious amounts of honey. She was just finishing the cup when Fenris came in. He smiled when he saw her up and about.

"You look...much better," he happily rasped, locking the door behind him. He deposited several canvas bags and boxes near the coat rack. "And you're eating."

Aria smiled back and broke off a large piece of the bread. "I have much improved." She slathered some butter on it, then took a hearty bite.

"Good," he almost purred, then looked out the window where the wash hung drying in the breeze. "You've been busy."

"Just...trying to keep my mind occupied."

"Mmmhmm," he said with his trademark smirk. He helped himself to the bread.

"What did you purchase today?" she asked, sitting on the bed, her eyes going to the parcels.

He sighed and sat next to her, removing his armour as he spoke. "Provisions. A new dress for you that I think you might like. Some new breeches. A new...saddle," he answered her.

"A new saddle?"

"Yes. Of a kinder design."

Aria laughed at this. "A kinder design? How so?"

"Tomorrow, when we set out for the Frostbacks, you'll have a much cozier ride," he softly stated. "The seat has more padding. I had them try it on your horse to make sure it fit properly and tested it out myself."

"Thank you," Aria quietly said.

"You're welcome, though it was your own coin that purchased it," he chuckled.

"Shall we get some supper?" Aria asked then.

"You're up for it?"

"Absolutely."

ooooooo

Aria woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat. She had the foresight to put extra moon linens in her panties before she went to bed, and thankfully, that had helped immensely. Aria went into the lavatory and locked the door behind her. She pumped water into the basin and hastily started to clean up. As she was patting herself dry, a wave of nausea slammed into her so hard that it put her to her knees. She retched into the chamber pot a few times, hating each heave her stomach made. There was little else in this world Aria Hawke hated more than vomiting. Someone rapped on the door a few moments later, and dread washed over her. She fought the urge to retch again, and ultimately failed.

"Aria," Fenris softly called. "Let me in."

"I'm fine, Fenris. I'll be fine. It...it'll pass."

"You don't sound fine," he argued, jiggling the door handle.

"I'm fine," she reiterated, panicking.

He snarled, but Aria heard him stomp away from the door. She sat on the edge of the tub and dabbed at her forehead with a damp cloth. She arranged herself using the small looking glass mounted over the basin, then walked slowly out to the room. Fenris sat on the bed facing her, his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. His eyes spat cold, green sparks.

"Aria...we can't keep doing this to each other," Fenris whispered, wringing his hands together as he sat up straight and faced her fully.

Tears sprang to her eyes. "I know. I just... I'm okay."

"I can smell the blood," he whispered. "I have for the past couple of days."

"It's just that time, Fenris-"

"Don't treat me as a fool. We've been together a couple years now. I know what your normal is and I've never... Do not... Lie to me."

Aria sank to her knees in front of him, hating herself for the pain she'd caused him. "I don't... I don't know what to say. I don't even know what's going on, myself."

He cupped her face in his trembling hands and his eyes were unnaturally bright and watery. She realized he was fighting tears himself. He bit his bottom lip and winced as she opened her eyes and met his gaze. "What is your body telling you?"

Aria slowly shook her head. "I don't want to think about it."

Fenris sighed again and dragged her to him. He kissed the top of her head. "We can try again. When we are less...busy."

Aria couldn't stand thinking about it and his words were lances straight to her heart. A failure. Again, she had failed. She should have known. The signs were there... She should have...

Her next thought was stolen from her as his lips claimed hers.

"You did not know," he whispered against her mouth. He kissed her again. "You did not know. You fought the Arishok, you've been...under extreme duress." He kept kissing her, taking her tears with his lips.

A knock on the door startled them and Aria struggled to her feet. Fenris pulled a pair of breeches on, then raced to answer it. It was Jeran.

"Ah, up already. Good. I am getting the team ready, and wanted to know if I should hook your horses to the coach, or if you'll be riding them today?"

Fenris looked at Aria, then back at Jeran. "We'll be in the coach today, I think."

"Very good. I'll hitch them up."

Fenris closed the door after him and they quickly got dressed. The innkeep and his wife gave them hot breakfast to take with them, and the woman gave Aria a large flask of the tea and a bottle of honey to take as well. She hugged Aria and told her to take care. Aria slipped a few gold sovereigns into the woman's house coat pocket as they embraced. It was the least she could do at this point for the woman's discretion and kindness.

"You told the innkeeper's wife but you didn't tell me?" Fenris venomously whispered once they were underway.

"I didn't tell her. She surmised it on her own. She...found me washing my linens," Aria replied, shivering under the iciness of his gaze. "I wasn't lying. I thought... I thought..."

"No more on the matter. It is done," he whispered, reaching for one of her hands. "Perhaps... Perhaps we should consider going home."

"No. I don't want to go back there. Not yet. It's so... Sad. Empty."

"Then, you wish to stay on the road?"

"To Orlais. Yes."

"Will you promise me one thing?" Fenris solemnly asked, taking her other hand.

"That depends," Aria hedged.

"We will continue on this...this...wayward journey on the condition that at whatever village or town or city or...outpost we stay in tonight, you will allow yourself to be seen by a physician or a midwife."

Aria sighed and squeezed his hands. "Okay. But if they tell me I can't travel anymore I'm going to be very..."

"Angry. I know. I can handle you angry."

"Can you?" Aria jibed playfully.

He growled and mussed her hair, which she'd left down today. "Of course."

In the essence of efficiency, Jeran brought them back to the Imperial Highway. They followed behind a merchant and his swift team of ponies. They broke for lunch with the dwarven merchant and he told them of the civil unrest in Orzammar. He had his own theories about the sudden increase in tension between the dwarven nobles, and this piqued Aria's interest.

The merchant, Timerik by name, said that there was talk of dwarven resilience fading. Several dwarves had come down with mysterious illnesses, where they acted as though they were possessed. The dwarves were falling prey to the evils of magic, where as a race, they had appeared to be immune. He told them of a girl from Orzammar who had been accepted into the Ferelden Circle of Magi; something the Hero of Ferelden had a hand in accomplishing. He figured it was only a matter of time before there were dwarf mages and then...well that would be the end of the world.

Fenris was highly agitated by this new information. The spread of magic was the most evil thing that could ever occur in the elf's eyes. While Aria could not blame him, it still saddened her that he had been so scarred by something she had always held to be a force of good. Aria wisely left the topic alone, content to simply be the mute observer. Timerik eyed her warily when he spoke of mages, his fear that she was an apostate evident. The sentiment made her want to laugh.

The discomfort Aria had felt, the heaviness in her lower abdomen, the searing pain in her spine and hips, and the queasiness of her stomach was gone by the time they made the next village just before nightfall. It was a busy place nestled just off the Imperial Highway in a forest glen. Aria had never been so happy to see ladies of the night in her life. She managed to corner a dusky-skinned, yellow-eyed, gorgeous young girl outside when she took leave to imbibe in her nicotine addiction.

"You don't look the type to need that kind of service, honey. Aren't you well off or something?" the girl, Lillith, said when Aria asked about a discreet midwife.

"It's not that," Aria shyly responded. "I think... I think I had a miscarriage," she choked on the word, but pressed on, "I promised my...significant other that I'd seek a midwife out whence we stopped for the evening."

The girl's odd yellow eyes took a sad light and she gently laid a hand on Aria's belly over her armour. "You live too hard a life to be carrying a child," she whispered forlornly. "Come with me. Let's see what Telindra can do for you."

Aria followed the girl to a small building a few blocks down the muddy street. They employed a back entrance and the girl led her down into a clinic that very much reminded her of Anders's own clinic. An old elven woman stood in front of the hearth. She turned when she heard them and her green eyes flashed anger when she saw the girl.

"You've got some nerve Lillith-" the elf started, but then her eyes landed on Aria. "I see. Come child. What ails you?"

Aria let herself be ushered to the examination table. She resisted the urge to fight when the elf started taking off her armour. Aria did swat the woman's hand when she moved to unlace her breeches. "Sorry... I'm just... Here. I'll do it."

The woman chuckled and waited while Aria took the breeches off. The elf threw a sheet over her legs and waved Lillith away. She grabbed a small leather wallet thing and opened it. An array of smallish instruments whose uses Aria had no idea about lay within; wicked looking tools of varying sizes and shapes. Aria paled.

"How late are you?" the elf asked, her bright green eyes boring into Aria's amber ones.

"I—I don't know. Two months?"

"You don't keep track?!" the woman asked, clicking her tongue. "I'm Telindra, by the way. I won't ask your name; you don't seem to be ready to supply it anyway."

"Aria. Aria Hawke," Aria slowly replied.

"Ah, the Champion of Kirkwall! Truly? If it's been two months... For the love of Andraste, girl! You fool! Fighting horn-heads whilst pregnant... How on earth could you ever think that was a good idea?!" Telindra rattled on as she flitted around the little room, gathering herbs and potion bottles. She tossed a few things into a small cauldron that hung from a wrought iron arm near the fireplace. She swung it over the hearth and looked back at Aria for an answer.

"I didn't know... My life has kind of been a mess lately," Aria said then, feeling like she was taking a harsh scolding from her mother as a child again. She couldn't stem the flow of tears that started.

"Oh, oh, don't cry, little dove," the elven woman said then, her tone soothing and sweet. "We'll get this sorted out."

"Sorted out?" Aria asked in trepidation.

"We need to see what's what. Lay back and relax. I need to have a listen," Telindra said, gently pushing Aria back on the examination table. She shoved a pillow under the rogue's head. Her hands started to glow white-blue, like Anders's hands did when he healed someone. She smoothed them over Aria's belly, pressing firmly over her hips. Aria could feel a soothing heat wash over her lower abdomen. "Ah, there."

"What?" Aria asked.

Telindra shook her head, her expression grim. "Do you truly wish to know?"

"I do," Fenris's voice came from the door way. He stepped out of the shadows and joined them, his expression one of acute worry and anger. "I told you to wait for me."

"Ah, the father," Telindra said then. "Well, now that you're both here..."

"Out with it, witch," Fenris spat.

"Fenris!" Aria reprimanded him. "She's helping."

Telindra sadly shook her head. "All I can do is give you moon tea, child."

"I've been drinking it already," Aria quietly replied.

"Moon tea?" Fenris asked, his visage flushing with sudden anger. "You've been drinking moon tea?!"

"Do you love her?" Telindra rounded on Fenris, stepping between him and Aria, her own green eyes just as fierce as his.

"Yes!"

"Then moon tea was necessary to save her life or you'd have lost them both!" Telindra snarled at him, her pewter hair flashing red for just an instant. "You're lucky she was drinking it when she was! She seems to be recovering already."

Fenris looked to Aria then, but Telindra's words had rendered the rogue momentarily out of commission. Aria lay very still as the shock of the words ripped through her. She'd tried not to think them. Hearing it said made it...final. Telindra stepped out of the way so Fenris could kneel next to the table. He took Aria's hands in his and rested his head on her abdomen.

"The babe had no chance. Her body could not sustain both him and herself," Telindra quietly said after a few moments. She handed Aria her breeches and waited while she numbly donned them.

Fenris was silent and still as he watched Aria dazedly put her armour back on. Aria gave the woman two gold coins for her trouble, and the woman sent another flask of the moon tea with them. Lillith waited at the entrance for them, eager to know of Aria's plight. Her face fell when she saw the Champion, and she quickly raced back to work. She kept her mouth shut, surprisingly, and when Aria and Fenris did return to the inn, she steered clear of them.

They went straight up to their room, not saying a word to each other the entire time. Aria sat on the bed and stared out at the deepening night sky that adorned the window pane. She wasn't aware she was crying until her knees hit the floor. She fell forward and held her lower belly, silent sobs racking her entire body.

Fenris knelt beside her a moment later, but she couldn't understand his words. Her head hummed and her stomach roiled. Her worst fears had been confirmed. She was officially the most abysmal failure to have ever walked Thedas. She couldn't save anyone that mattered. And this failure...this failure didn't hurt just her. She'd lost Fenris's child. Their child.

How could she ever forgive herself? How could Fenris ever forgive her?