They didn't have anything to bury. Midna was not sure if she should have felt relieved or saddened by the realisation. All around her, it seemed that everyone else was mourning both for Rusl as well as the lack of something they could have given rest, but all she could think about was how it spared her from having to come face to face with the death of another family member, saved them from having to figure out a way to dig a grave in the frozen dirt outside the base.
Perhaps it was cynical of her to think like that, to care more about the fact that she had woken up at night multiple times in the two days that had passed since they had been forced to return to the base without Rusl, certain that she could hear the water in the pipes around her freezing over, making the pipes sing a lament as they tried their best not to burst, but that was, nevertheless, the thoughts that filled her mind as she stood in the middle of the hangar that early morning just as the sky began to turn red outside the base, letting them know how the world had not stopped, would not stop, just because they had lost someone.
Sneaking a glance at Uli, Midna felt almost selfish for mourning Rusl. With how Uli was somehow able to stand there in front of the rest of the residents of the base, holding Colin's hand as she told them about her husband with a smile, saying that he would not have wanted for them to grieve, that they should continue to fight, it should have been simple for Midna to remind herself, that if Uli was able to grant Rusl his last request, she could as well.
And yet, her stomach continued to ache, sending sharp pangs through her body as she tried her best to remain standing.
"I know that my husband was a good man." Uli nodded, and although they all remained quiet, Midna knew that no one would have disagreed with her. "We simply have to believe that the goddesses will look out for him. As long as they do, I know that he will be all right in the end."
No one said anything. No one clapped as Uli walked back over to stand next to where Ilia and Bo had volunteered to hold the lantern, but Midna could still almost feel how a collective sense of relief filled the room around her as Uli puffed out the flame inside. Now, there was nothing left for them to do; they had already said goodbye. Or that was, almost everyone had said goodbye.
Across from her, standing at the other side of the circle, almost like she was trying to put as much distance between them as possible, Zelda was taking in the scene in front of her, brows drawn together as she followed Uli's path back over to Colin with a confused expression in her eyes. Already, Midna knew that if she had hid inside her ship a little earlier, if she had accepted from the beginning that she would not be brave enough to inform Uli of what had happened, Zelda would currently be standing next to her, whispering questions about what was happening, what they were doing, to her. She would no doubt have insisted that they should wait a bit to perform the ceremony, should not lose hope yet. Midna could almost hear how she would stubbornly keep talking about Ashei, so convinced that her captain would somehow be able to both get close enough to Rusl to help and know that the princess would have wanted for her to help save one of the pirate's lives, going against the wishes of her king. Right then, although she was aware of just how naïve the idea of any of that happening was, Midna would have given anything to have that kind of hope back at her side.
Life continued on.
It felt like it should not have been the case, Midna having to spend a few minutes the next morning simply looking up at the wooden planks above her head while trying to come to terms with the fact that she doubted there was even a single soul who had noticed that Rusl was gone outside the base, and yet, time continued to pass, the winter becoming harsher each day. It felt almost like the two could have been connected, like Rusl had been the person standing in front of them and forcing the snow to remain outside the base rather than having the direction of the wind change, sending ice winds and snow into the hangar the way it did in his absence.
Time continued to pass all the same, the rate of the sun setting and rising not stopping, nor increasing. Really, had it not been for the empty chair at the end of the table as someone summoned the council that Friday—Midna had a sneaking suspicion it might have been Jaggle, but as she sat down on her chair, she could not bring herself to care enough about it to ask—she could almost have made herself believe that Rusl was just a bit late, that he would enter the room any second now. But, of course, if there was anything Rusl was it was cautious of time, and the meeting began without him just like it would end with his chair remaining empty.
Jaggle was the first to stand up, the first of them to begin to speak after they had all looked around, halfway waiting for Rusl to rise to speak. Pushing his chair back, he cleared his throat, clearly trying his best to send them the same determined look they had known from Rusl as he gestured towards the solid rock above their heads. "I think," he said, his voice shaking just a bit, "that I speak for all of us when I say that the weather has got worse over these last few days." waiting for the scattered whispers to end, he folded his arms in front of his chest until he had their attention once more. "Now, I know that after… everything, we might not feel prepared to go outside anytime soon, but if we want to make sure that he didn't sacrifice himself for nothing, we have to continue on."
Midna could not tell if she was imagining things, or if everyone in the room sent her barely concealed glances. Had anyone told them? She doubted that Link would have shared what had really happened with anyone, but even with how they had all been pulled through the air in that moment, Midna would not be all that surprised if any of the other members of the crew had been able to guess what had happened the moment they had seen Midna cry next to a line without a harness. And still, no one dared to say anything, no one actually stood up to ask why they weren't blaming her for it, and for the first time in as long as she could remember, Midna was grateful for how their shared past still seemed to be enough to make almost everyone side with her no matter the subject.
From the other end of the table, she could hear how someone moved to stand as well, the sound as the legs of the chair moved over the stone floor sounding incredibly loud in the room. As he coughed once, Midna already knew that it was Fado.
"I was actually just thinking about what we should do about the base." Fado paused, and Midna could almost hear how he was wishing for someone to save from having to continue. But everyone remained quiet, seemingly all already knowing what he would say, leaving Fado to have to continue on his own. "Now, with Rusl gone, I believe that we are all aware of the fact that they—the king and his men, I mean—will most likely try to keep him alive. After all, he does know the location of this base, and if the king could make him tell him, well…" Fado spread out his arms, almost like he wanted to encompass the entire room, trying to convince them that he was speaking for all of them, "if that happens, I doubt we will have any chances of surviving. We should act now, before that happens. Already at this moment, I am sure that they have brought Rusl to Hyrule Castle. It is only a matter of time before he gives in and tells the king about us."
"How dare you!"
It was not until she felt her nails dig into the palm of her hand that Midna realised how the person letting out a low growl was her, that the reason she had heard the sound of a chair falling over after being pushed backwards with a bit too much force was the same as the one that would explain why she was now standing up, leaning in over the table, looking at Fado with what she could tell was pure fury in her eyes from the way the rest of the council looked away from her as she continued. "How dare you stand here and try to claim that Rusl would ever betray us! What right do you have to do that? What have you ever done, how can you claim that you knew Rusl at all if you believe that he would ever tell Ganondorf about us?"
But the stunned silence only lasted for a moment before Fado regained the power of speech. Almost like he wanted to mirror her pose, he too leant forward, but unlike Midna, it sounded like he might still at least be able to somewhat control his voice as he responded. "I know that you want to believe that he will not break, but trust me, Midna, everyone does in the end. You say that I didn't know him, but really, I think that you are the one in this room who knew him the least. Think about it," he looked around, letting his gaze travel over the rest of the council, "we all lived in the same village for years. Rusl was our neighbour; he was the one who helped with the harvest. Would he want for us to stay here out of some misguided belief that fleeing would be the same as saying that we do not trust him? I don't think he would. If Rusl was here, he would be the first to tell us to leave."
Midna could hear from the sounds around her that she was losing her grip on the situation. They were going to leave, they were going to abandon her and the base that had given them a chance to live for so many years. She could feel how Link reached out towards her, trying to catch her hand, but she pulled it away from him. She would not let anyone stop her, not now.
"Fine." her voice sounded much more broken than what she had intended. "Leave. I don't care about it. Leave if that is what you want to do, I will not try to stop you. But just know that I will not come to save you when you regret the decision you made. If you leave, it will be the same as saying that you do not trust Rusl, and that, I cannot ever forgive. But if that is what you want, I will not stand between you and your chance to get a few months of pretending that everything is fine before Ganondorf inevitably finds you, for trust me when I say that he will. He always finds the ones who were foolish enough to think that they would have a chance against him."
In the silence that followed, Midna could almost feel how they wavered, torn between the option of leaving and the fact that she had just all but outright told them that no matter what, no matter what arguments they could present, even if she had not fully believed that they could trust Rusl to protect them, to protect their secret, she would still never agree to come with them.
"Midna…" Fado said, and from the tired sound of his voice, Midna could hear that he knew just as well as her that if she remained opposed to his plan, he would never be able to convince the rest of the council, much less the rest of the residents of the base, "I understand. I know that you are grieving—we all are. But we have to think about the future. It is what Rusl would have wanted for us, I know that it is. He would not want for us to wait for the king to find us here."
"You are right, because Rusl is never going to tell the king about this place."
The look Fado sent her as he let out a deep sigh was the exact same she had seen the parents send their children the few times a child had pointed towards her while she was trying to remain hidden in one of the villages rumoured to have ties to Ganondorf, claiming to have seen the pirate from the posters, only for the parent to shake their head at their imagination. "You can't know that for certain. I want to believe in Rusl just as much as you, but we have to look at the facts. Sooner or later, he is bound to break, and then it will only be a matter of time before the king sends his fleet to get us."
"You don't know that," Midna continued, the sound of the rest of the room no longer voicing support for Fado's idea giving her the energy to continue, "for all we know, Rusl might be dead already. Then, he would not be able to tell Ganondorf anything."
It felt horrible to speak about the possibility of Rusl having died mere moments after she had seen him for the last time like it was the best option for them, but that was nevertheless what they had been reduced to.
Pushing back down the guilt, Midna kept staring at Fado, ignoring how she could almost hear the way Zelda would have gasped if she had been able to hear her. She would no doubt have sided with her, but for entirely different reasons. As annoying as her childish belief that the world would reward the righteous was, Midna would almost have welcomed the sound of her voice in that moment. She already knew that Zelda would have argued for staying, believing that, no matter what happened, Rusl would stay quiet, remaining strong for just enough time to give Ashei the chance to get him out of Hyrule Castle. Yes, as Midna sat there, she knew exactly what Zelda would have said, how she would remain adamant that the goddesses would watch over them, seeing that they were doing what was right and reward them for that.
"I…" Fado shook his head, clearly trying his best to blink back the tears, "I know that it will not do much to change your opinion, but, Midna, you are making a mistake. I know that you are trying to honour his memory, but this is not the way to do it. This is not the right thing to do."
He was right, Midna knew that. Zelda had tried to tell her that she was righteous, so sure that someone who targeted the ships of the rich could only have pure motivations, but when all was said and done, her attempts at justifying her actions, explaining to herself why she did not do more, were all just self-righteous efforts to denying the fact that even after everything she had seen, she really only cared about keeping herself and those she cared about safe. The rest of the Twilight Realm had been left to fend for itself the first time she had ever taken to the skies and watched the land beneath her grow more and more insignificant as she rose up into the air. Maybe the Twilight Realm had not been truly doomed until she had left it; perhaps they would have been able to save it if she had remained there, if she had kept on waiting aboard the ship, stayed in her hiding place. Maybe the few loyal servants who might have survived would have found her. Maybe they would have been able to form and lead a stronger rebellion, fulfilling the dream of justice Zelda loved to speak of.
But all of that was ages ago, so Midna made herself cold as she looked directly back at Fado. "Perhaps. But I am not going to leave this place. If you want to, I will give you the Shadow, but I am not coming with you."
She could hear the surprised murmurs around her, could feel how Link reached out to take her hand, but all that mattered to her in that moment was the fact that Fado finally shook his head, looking down at the table. "No, it will not be necessary. If you are not leaving, then neither am I"
"Good." Midna could hear how her voice trembled. "Then I believe that we should return to the topic of the food supply, should we not?"
In just a couple of minutes, she had all but moved to sit at the end of the table, taking Rusl's place as the one to lead the meetings, if not physically, then at least mentally. Looking at the people around her, Midna could feel how the rest of the room not only sided with her, but also waited for her to change the topic, clearly giving her Rusl's old chair in their minds. She supposed that she had brought that onto herself with her behaviour, but it was still enough to make her regret having ever raised her voice. What did it matter if they left the base? Rusl would not find out, and even if he did, Midna doubted he would be able to feel insulted that they had not trusted him enough in the end to stay. And yet, she could not bring herself to speak up, to say that she had recognised her mistake and that, if they wanted to, she would follow them wherever they wanted to go.
So instead, she remained still, Link quietly grabbing her chair from where it had fallen backwards, pushing it towards her without a word, the only communication between them being him sending her a tired smile, and listened as the rest of the council did their best not to mention what they were all thinking; how that, now that Rusl was gone, they might be able to make the food supply last for a little bit longer, delaying the moment where they would inevitably have to plan another mission for a few weeks more. The decision that, when that moment would arrive, they would not attack a ship, but instead sneak into a house and take what they needed from the pantry was one they all agreed on, and Midna did not have to wonder why.
As silence filled the room, all of them waiting for a few minutes too long before the realisation that they were all waiting for Rusl to close the meeting dawned on them, bringing the icy feeling of loss into the room, Midna hurried away, pretending that she did not hear Link calling her name or see how he reached out towards her. She should have stayed, if nothing else then to give him the chance to say what he wanted to tell her, but already, Midna knew that he had Ilia. He could talk with anyone he wanted to if he needed to discuss Rusl, Link was not the one who kept pushing people away. He would be fine, perhaps not right now, but, with time, he would.
So although, Midna felt colder than the ice that covered the top of the mountain as she pushed past him, that was exactly what she did, hurrying to get back to her ship before anyone would get the chance to point out that she might as well have claimed Rusl's spot for herself with her behaviour during the meeting.
Midna only got a few hours of wallowing in self-pity, before the sound of someone knocking on the door pulled her back to reality, the short raps making her roll off her bed.
"Yeah, yeah, I am on my way," she shouted towards the door, the promise making the noise quieten.
Maybe the lack of someone stating their name and reason for having gone to see her was why Midna could not help but picture Zelda standing on the other side of the door as she buttoned up the golden buttons lining the front of her waistcoat. If was an absurd thought—what had she done over the course of the last few days that would have made Zelda even begin to think about returning to her, giving her another chance—and yet, as Midna closed the distance between herself and the door with steps that felt both too quick and too eager, she could not keep the smile off her face at the prospect of perhaps being given the opportunity to apologise. After all, if she was forced to stand directly in front of Zelda, as much as she did not care about what she thought of her, Midna could not imagine a scenario where she would not at least attempt to make amends, if nothing else, then to ensure that Zelda might not find another person to try to convince that her idea of rising up against the king's injustices might be able to bring change to the world around them, this time choosing someone she might be able to dazzle with her way with words and the images she could paint with her voice alone, making what everyone could see was a childish dream seem a little less ridiculous each time she would bring it up. Yes, Midna would be more than ready to swallow her pride if that was what it would take to keep Zelda from infecting anyone with that kind of childish naïveté.
By the time she had reached the door, the metal of the door handle feeling as cold as ice despite the warm water flowing through the pipes that were hidden in the walls around her, Midna almost felt like it as real, that Zelda would actually be there when she opened the door. But of course that was not the case.
Rather than finding Zelda on the other side of the door, Midna found herself face to face with Ilia. Blinking once, then twice, and feeling how her stomach fell a little, an emotion that felt too much like disappointment filling the air between them, Midna tried to remind herself that it was better this way.
She could not tell if Ilia had noticed her surprise—surprise, yes, that was what it was, it was so much more accurate than claiming it was disappointment—but what she did know was that, with none of them saying anything, nor moving to bring the other into a hug the way Midna could remember they would have done in the past, the silence soon began to feel as suffocating as water, seeping into every little bit of empty space around them.
All things considered, Midna supposed that Ilia looked good. Her eyes seemed redder than normal and her hair was a mess, but, really, with the wind never seeming to recede, continuing to attack them from where the gate had remained open ever since Rusl had been able to bring the steam engine to pull it up once again, none of them daring to suggest closing it to preserve the warmth, who could have expected it to look even halfway decent? These days, even Zelda seemed to have given up on trying to tangle out the knots in her hair, looking a little bit less the princess Midna had first met inside her ship each time she would catch a glimpse of her from across the room.
Only the fact that Ilia would no doubt have asked her what she was doing was what kept Midna from shaking her head, trying to banish all thoughts of Zelda from her mind. It was bad enough that she had found her way into her dreams; Midna would not allow her to also fill her waking hours.
Sneaking another glance at Ilia, Midna decided that giving in and being the first to say something would still be preferable to her struggle against thinking of Zelda. With rehearsed nonchalance, she leant against the door frame, hoping that her face did not betray her by showing her emotions for Ilia to see as she let out a low chuckle. "Hi, Ilia." after having let almost three weeks pass without ever biting the bullet and going to talk with her, Ilia's name sounded strange when Midna said it, almost like she had forgot how to pronounce it properly. "I hadn't expected to see you here right now. Is there anything I can help you with?" staying as close to the truth as possible without giving away the name that still echoed in her mind seemed like it would be the best option, hopefully coming across as an attempt at clearing the air between them, without also bringing along a storm of unwanted questions.
"Oh, Midna!" Ilia broke down, all but falling forward, only stopped as Midna caught her, barely having time to realise what was going on before Ilia began crying into her shoulder, tears already seeping through the blouse, and Midna knew that she had reached a conclusion, realised what must have happened while not figuring out the entire extent of the truth. As Ilia continued, her words only confirmed that. "I am so sorry! I should not have let that much time pass without ever going to talk to you, I—I just… I could not bring myself to facing you, not when I wasn't sure if we were still stuck in that horrible time where—."
"Hey, hey." Midna stroked her hair, careful not to let her hand be caught by the tangled locks. "Of course we weren't fighting, at least not anymore. There is nothing to apologise for. Really, if anything, I should be the one to apologise to you."
That made Ilia move. Moving away from her, not enough to bring an end to the hug, but enough to allow her to look up at Midna, Ilia shot her a confused look, almost like she did not understand what she was saying. "But… what? What do you have to apologise for?"
For a moment, Midna might almost have been able to believe that Ilia did not already know exactly what she was talking about, but then she came to her senses. It was so obvious, and while she knew that Ilia was doing her best to spare her feelings, pretending that it was not blindingly clear to everyone how she had spent most of those weeks since storming away from where Ilia and Zelda had been working on Epona lashing out at everyone who came too close, Midna found herself almost wishing that Ilia would simply have accepted the apology. That way, she would not have to repeat all of her mistakes, making herself listen to everything she had done wrong over the last few days. But as Midna looked down at Ilia, she knew that it was simply yet another consequence she would have to bear. If Ilia wanted to listen to her tell her how she knew exactly what she had done wrong, then Midna would do so a hundred times if it was what it would take to get even the tiniest chance of Ilia ever wanting to forgive her, if it was what was necessary to not lose another friend.
"I was too quick to judge you. I didn't wait to make sure I knew what was actually going on, I assumed I knew everything about your intentions and motives, and for that, I am sorry." Midna bowed her head, already knowing that she would not be able to continue if she caught even the shortest glimpse of Ilia. No matter what expression she would find on her face, whether it would be one that almost seemed to tell her how it would all be all right, that she would forgive her, of if it would instead be an unimpressed look, she would not have been able to bear it. "I… I don't have any excuses, I am just sorry for what I did."
She attempted to count inside her head, counting in time with the beat of her heart, trying to keep track of how much time passed, but Midna was sure that she must have repeated the numbers more than once, for although her heart beat against her chest like it was trying to escape and she knew that it must have been ages since she had fallen silent, she had barely even got to ten when Ilia reached out to take her hand.
"This apology…" Ilia glanced towards her hand, Midna following her gaze, "it is not only meant for me, is it?"
"What? No, of course it is!" but the words had barely left her mouth before Midna could hear how that was not the case. She had truly believed that it was what she would say to Ilia, that this was what her heart wanted her to say, but the more she thought about it, pausing to take in Ilia's words instead of denying it, Midna could see how the face she was picturing was not Ilia's. "Maybe…" Midna let the word trail off, giving herself a chance to try to make the image of how Zelda's face had grown distorted in her dream leave her mind, "maybe I… I messed up, Ilia. I really messed up."
Midna had halfway expected for Ilia to ask just what she had done, prepared herself for the look of disgust she would receive, but Ilia only nodded, the way the corners of her lips curled up into a smile that held too much sympathy for her almost managing to make Midna question if they were both talking about the same thing, or if Ilia was perhaps thinking that she was talking about some minor mistake. However, as Ilia opened her mouth, Midna knew that that was not the case.
"I know. Link told me about it."
Link. Somehow, she had almost been able to forget about him, blocking out the hurt look that had flashed in his eyes when she had hurried past him, but now, Midna could feel how her stomach became a little knot of guilt again. Looking at Ilia, she tried to gauge what answer she would receive, knowing all too well that she would not be able to refrain from asking even if she had been able to read the expression on Ilia's face.
"Is he…?" her throat felt almost like she just had to cough to clear it, but already the moment after she had tried to do so, Midna knew that it would not work, instead continuing, hoping that she was simply imagining how hoarse she sounded. "Is he all right?"
She could hear how ridiculous the question had been in the way Ilia let out a humourless laugh. Of course he was not all right; none of them were.
But despite the stupidity of even having to ask, Ilia still answered, shrugging slightly. "I don't know. He refuses to talk with me—with anyone for that matter. He just returned from the meeting and walked right past me, completely ignoring me as I tried to ask him what had happened. Not even Uli was able to get through to him. He just went to the larder and began to count everything. Speaking of which, what did you talk about during the meeting to make him react that way?"
Midna knew that Ilia had guessed the answer already from the way she looked up at her, and yet, she was not able to keep herself from confirming it. "There… there was a discussion about whether or not we should abandon this base. With how the guards might have tried to bring Rusl back to the capital alive, there were fears that they might be able to make him tell Ganondorf about the location of our hideout."
"Ah. Well that explains a lot."
And Midna supposed that it was really all any of them could say in response to that. It certainly did explain Link having isolated himself, the way Ilia suddenly became quite busy wiping a tear away from the corner of her eye, why Midna could feel her heart speeding up each time she thought about the way they had doubted Rusl. But really, was she any better herself? After all, no matter how many times she had argued against fleeing as a consequence of thinking that Rusl would ever give up the location of the base, had she not been the first of them to show how little she trusted him when she had told him that she would never follow him if he left the safety of the fortress? As much as Midna would have loved to claim that that was not the case, she knew it would have been a lie. That was the way she was. She was quick to lash out at Zelda, taking her own anger at how she had outright told Rusl that she would not mourn him out on the first person who had been unfortunate enough to try to come close to her.
The strength it took to look over at Ilia felt like far more than what it had first taken to make her break the silence, but Midna did it. "What do you think I should do?"
"I think you should talk to her."
She had been talking about Link, looking to Ilia for advice about how to make her best friend feel even a little bit better, if that was even possible, but the more Midna thought about her answer, the clearer it was to her that Ilia might not even have misunderstood the question all that much. Still, even the thought of having to seek out Zelda, having to risk that the little hint of understanding they might have been able to show one another would evaporate the instant Zelda would open her mouth, quite possibly to repeat her belief that Ashei would magically be able to guess that a random prisoner had ties to the princess and that said princess would want for him to be free, sent her heart racing.
"And Link?" it sounded so much like a way for her to avoid having to acknowledge the fact that Ilia was right that Midna had to hide how her instincts told her to back away and close the door to avoid having to face the truth. It would only have made things worse if she did.
"I…" Ilia shook her head. "I truly do not know what to do. It feels like I have tried everything already, and yet…" meeting her gaze, Midna could see how Ilia's eyes were growing shiny, the realisation that, much like she liked to use her ship as a way to distract herself from the things that hurt, Ilia had done the same by turning the course of the conversation towards Zelda rather than Link and Rusl settling in her stomach, "maybe… if you talked to him, then maybe he would listen."
Already, Midna could tell her that that would not be the case. If Ilia and Uli had both tried to reach him only for him to turn away from them, Midna failed to see just what they were hoping for her to do, why they would think that she would ever be able to succeed where they hadn't.
But as she looked at Ilia and saw the way she fought to keep back the tears, Midna could not bring herself to say that. Instead, she pulled Ilia closer towards her.
"I will try," she promised, and while she could not imagine Ilia not being aware of how it would not change anything, it appeared that it was what she had wanted to hear, Ilia leaning closer towards her, letting the silence bring them closer together, almost enough to make Midna forget about the weeks where they had not said a word to each other.
It required for her to search for him, the level of organisation in the larder telling her that he had only left the room a few moments ago, but, finally, Midna found Link sitting in the dining hall. With how he had chosen the corner of the room as his spot, she almost managed to miss him, only stopping to look back over at the table because she thought she had noticed something moving right before she would otherwise have closed the door behind her.
Walking over to pull out the chair next to him and sit down, Midna tried her best not to make a sound, not wanting to risk startling him and making him be on the defensive before she had even got the chance to make an attempt at speaking with him, but it seemed that she could have made as much noise as the lack of furniture other than the tables and chairs would have allowed her to. As he sat there, leaning in over the table and fiddling with something in front of him, Link appeared to be so preoccupied with his task that the world around him might as well have stopped existing. The idea of taking that away from him, denying him the chance to feel nothing at all for a moment seemed almost cruel, and the justification that she was doing it because Ilia had wanted her to was not enough for Midna to be able to ignore the fact that she was not sure if she was doing the right thing. But she had made a promise; she had told Ilia she would at least try, and try she would.
"Hey." she did her best to make her voice soft.
There was no reaction. Link simply continued to work, twisting his body just enough so that it kept her from being able to see exactly what he was working on, other than how it seemed to require for him to remain so focused he could not spare a second to answering her. Or maybe he was just ignoring her. Midna knew that she was not exactly in a position to feel hurt if that was the case, but that was, nevertheless, what she did.
Pushing the feeling back down, Midna tried again, this time reaching out to place her hand on Link's shoulder, hoping that it would not cause him to mess up what he was working on as she once more tried to break the silence between them. "Hey. I have been looking for you. I think a lot of people have, actually."
That finally got his attention.
Placing his project back down onto the table in front of him, Link turned around to look at her, and as he did, Midna could see how what she had thought would turn out to perhaps be a lantern of some sort or maybe Link looking over his gun to make sure that it would not fail him when he really needed it really was one of the harnesses from the Shadow.
Lying there on the table in front of them, the leather straps and metal buckles seemed almost too fragile for Midna to believe that they had really placed their lives within them, hoping that they would be able to support them and get them safely back to the ship without breaking. And yet, it was not the harness itself that truly caught her attention. No, the reason she could not tear her gaze away from the table, simply staring down at it, was the line.
Midna knew that, despite how they had always prioritised using the best rope they could find aboard any of the ships they had ever boarded, rope was not able to withstand everything, there was a limit to how many times they could throw themselves into the air and hope that the line would be able to handle the sudden pull. And yet, as she looked down at the line, how it had been folded up to avoid becoming tangled up in itself, it felt almost unreal to think that, in the end, Rusl had been defeated by a sword slipping, hitting the rope by complete accident.
But then Link turned towards her, and all thoughts about how it should not have been able to happen, how, after years and years of trusting the lines to carry them, they should not have failed, were replaced by a sinking feeling in her stomach as she took in the look on Link's face.
He looked horrible, and although Midna had listened to him and Ilia make fun of her for having a poor way with words, often varying between brutal honesty and making fun of a situation that did not call for that kind of levity, she instinctively knew not to mention how his eyes were red and puffy, the way she could see where the tears had streamed down his checks by the little layer of salt that coated part of the skin. But it was about more than just that. As Midna looked down, towards his hand, it was not possible for her to miss the way he was shaking, his attempt at hiding it by clutching the leather straps of the harness, wrapping them around his hands, only making it all the more obvious. From the bags under his eyes, Midna would estimate the time that had passed since the last time he had got the chance to sleep to be at least a few days. How he had been able to remain somewhat collected during the meeting, how he had been able to reach out to place his hand on top of hers, finding the energy to try to console her, was beyond her, but then again, Link had always been better than her at that kind of interaction—perhaps it had not required for him to be completely awake.
"Hi." Link's voice sounded better than what she had expected. As much as Midna knew that it was such a little thing, she could not help the way her heart fluttered a little, seeing a chance that, maybe, just maybe, she might be able to reach him, the hope only growing as Link, rather than turning back towards the harness the next moment, continued to look at her. "Ilia sent you to talk with me, did she not?"
"She did," Midna admitted. Lying right now did not feel like a particularly smart choice, not with how they had already been betrayed by the broken harness, "although I will have to say that it is beyond me why she did—I think I speak for everyone who has ever met me when I say that I am not exactly known for my eloquence and ability to remain calm and compassionate while talking to people."
Link did not smile, not fully, but Midna was still certain that she saw the hint of the muscles tucking at the corners of his mouth as he shook his head. "Well, maybe Ilia is smarter than both of us."
It was with Ilia's words about how the apology had been meant for Zelda as well, the way she had so quickly been able to reach the core of the lie Midna had not even realised she had told, echoing in her ears that Midna nodded. "Maybe she is."
In the silence that followed, Midna could tell how Link was aching to turn back to the harness, to continue his inspection of the buckles. Leaving him would be the easiest thing to do. She could walk away and tell Ilia that she had tried without it being a lie, but no matter how many times Midna tried to turn around, to stroll back over to the doors and leave Link alone again, she could not bring herself to do it. Instead, she motioned towards the harness, hoping that Link would not shut her out the way she had done as she made another attempt at reaching him, hearing how her voice rose halfway through the question. "What are you doing?"
"Just checking to make sure our equipment is… well, that it will be able to save us." Link's tone of voice was dismissive, clearly bringing the conversation to an end.
Midna could almost hear how he was waiting for her to leave so that he could go back to sitting there, being completely alone while trying to rationalise what had happened, attempting to shift the blame until he would fully believe that he might somehow have been able to stop Rusl from being captured if he had only been faster, smarter, a little more alert. But he was not the only one who could be silent, waiting until the silence would grow enough for it to pull a comment from the other. After all, it was almost the same tactic as what she had tried to use only a few hours earlier, and when it came to this kind of fight, Midna knew that there was no one inside the mountain who was better than her at pretending that the silence did not faze her. So, reaching up to try to force her fingers through her hair, trying not to wince each time they caught onto a mess of tangled locks and beads, she remained still, making sure not to glance over at Link even once.
And of course Link gave in in the end. He always had and always would do that.
Letting out a long sigh that sounded almost like it came from the very bottom of his lungs, he leant in over the table, looking almost like the balloon that would keep Epona in the air back when it had been lying on the floor as he went completely still for a moment before finally speaking. "It's just… I can't help but wonder if I could have done more to help him. I mean, he was captured because they were able to cut the line anchoring him to the Shadow, right? So if the line had only been a little bit stronger, if we had used something sturdier, maybe the sword would simply have hit the rope without anything happening."
The moment Midna could hear how the sobs he had tried so hard to keep back ever since they had returned, trying his best to be some kind of hero the rest of them could go to for strength, made their way to the surface, she knew what to do.
Pushing against the floor with her feet, she moved her chair closer to him until she was able to put her arm around his shoulders, trying her best not to begin to cry as well. It would have been a pretty sight, the two of them both sobbing over a harness, but she managed to force the tears to stay back for just a moment longer, instead trying to pat his shoulder. "It is not your fault. There is no part of this that is. You were back on the ship, doing your job, making sure that we would have a chance of escaping unharmed. There was nothing you could have done, do you understand? You were the reason that we did not all get captured."
Looking down, Midna could feel how her gaze almost seemed to be pulled towards the harness, towards the leather strap she had felt cut into her shoulder, the slightly uncomfortable feeling not truly being registered, her full attention instead having been pulled towards the guard who had come running towards her with his sword already raised to strike. If she had just thought, if she had been able to act back then, jumping over the side of the ship and hoping that the soldiers would not think to shoot at her during the moments it would have taken before Link had pulled them all back up to the Shadow, if she had moved, done anything at all, anything other than simply standing there and waiting for the attack necessitating Rusl's attempt at saving her, maybe she and Link would both be sitting with Ilia right now, trying to forget about their fights. But, no, she had failed to act in time, and now they were here, in the deserted dining hall with only a harness in front of them.
The words felt like they should have been able to cut into her skin as she forced herself to say it, like they should have torn up her throat. "Really, if you want to blame anyone for what happened, you should blame me."
"You?" Link shot her a confused look, and if nothing else, Midna had to admit that he was good at pretending that it was not blindingly obvious what she had meant. "Why would I blame you?"
"Rusl sacrificed himself to save me. The guard, the one with the sword who cut his rope, he was about to hit me, but Rusl threw himself in between us. He tackled the guard to allow me to escape. If I had not let myself be cornered, if I had done something, then Rusl would not have had to do that. Then he would have come back home with us. Then he would still be here."
She had been so sure that the confession would make Link turn away from her, too disgusted to even answer, but that was not at all what happened.
Instead, Link drew his brows together, looking up at her like he almost expected for her to be lying to him. "But there was nothing any of us could have done. His sword slipped and hit the rope; you could not have known that it would happen as a consequence of Rusl trying to save you. Besides, it was Rusl who made that choice. He must have known the risk—he must have. If he hadn't, he would not have kept on insisting that Malo could not come with us." he said the last sentence almost like it was meant for himself rather than Midna, a way for him to convince himself that they had not betrayed Rusl, that they had not allowed him to go on a mission when he was not able to fully accept the possible risks.
And, as much as she did not like to admit it, Midna supposed that at least a part of it was true. With all the times Rusl had moved to the front, taking the position of the leader, not only while on missions, but also back home at the base, she doubted that there was anyone who had known what might happen to them one day better than him. It would be so easy to accept that explanation, to try to console herself by saying that he had at the very least chosen that risk for himself. But she couldn't.
"But if I had moved, everything would have been fine," she insisted, "we would all have survived."
"Or maybe the guard would have caught you. We don't know what would have happened. Besides, even if that was the case, it would still not be your fault. There has never been a day where I ever doubted that I could trust Rusl, that he knew what he was doing. He was aware of the risks, so don't blame yourself for what happened."
Despite everything, Midna still found herself sending him a smirk before gesturing towards the harness. "I think I could say the same thing to you then."
"Maybe." instantly, Midna could tell that it had not been the right thing to say, not with how Link reached back out towards the buckle that was supposed to keep them from being able to slip out of the harness while in the air. "But I just can't stop thinking about how everything would have ended differently if I had just pulled all of you back up onto the ship a little earlier. Maybe then you would never have been attacked and Rusl would never have stepped between you and the guard."
"But you couldn't have known." Midna saw how Link shrugged, clearly brushing off the comment, so, leaning a bit closer towards him, trying her best to force him to understand what she was saying, she tried again. "You were up on the ship, waiting for the signal to pull us up. You trusted us, you trusted our ability to tell when to leave the ship, and I am telling you that if you had pulled us back up a little earlier, some of us would not have had time to put on our harness. No matter what we had done, things were bound to go wrong."
"I know!" the sudden yell seemed to take them both by surprise, Link startling before calming down a little, sending her an apologetic look. "I am sorry, it is just… I know everything you could possibly tell me already. Half the team has already been here to try to convince me that Rusl would not have wanted for me to blame myself, but I just… I can't stop thinking about it. I know that it won't bring him back, but when I look at this," he gestured towards the rope, "and try to think of the ways I could have improved it, it feels almost like it might actually be able to change what happened."
"But you can't."
"Don't you think I know that already?" the words could almost have ben biting had it not been for how any edge that might have been present in Link's voice disappeared the instant Midna saw him give up completely and let the tears flow. "Don't you think that Uli, Ilia—everyone—has already told me that? It just doesn't make it feel any better."
"I know." if Midna had been a little better, if she had been able to act a little more like Zelda, if she had been able to adopt her way of making sure that her voice sounded calm, sweet, she might have been able to repair everything, but as it was, she was just barely able to keep herself from crying, knowing that her voice betrayed her, showing how there were only a few seconds between the carefully constructed façade and having it all come crumbling down around her. "I know, Link, people have told me that as well. I just… I don't know what to tell you. I am just here because Ilia told me to."
There was a moment where Midna thought that perhaps her honesty might have been able to reach him, but then Link shook his head and turned his attention back towards the task in front of him. "Well, then I suppose that you can tell Ilia that you tried."
And Midna supposed that that was true. At least it was the only thing that she could do now, for as Link turned away from her, brushing her arm off his shoulder as he reached forwards to grab the harness, the meaning of the gesture was obvious. She was not welcome there anymore, he did not want for her to watch him.
She could understand that. Although Midna knew that it would not have been enough to stop Ilia, although she knew that her friend would have continued to attempt to reach Link rather than leaving him all alone again, she was not able to continue to push him, not without being even more of a hypocrite. So she turned around and left, only pausing for a moment to give Link a chance to tell her that he wanted her to stay. But he didn't, and the door closed with a soft thud behind her as she left the room.
The pile of discarded pieces of paper sitting in front of her on her desk grew throughout the following days, but no matter how many times Midna tried to put her feelings into words, she could never make it through even one sentence before she looked back at the letter and realised that the apology sounded insincere and forced even when she was the one to read it. If that was how she saw it, Midna did not dare to imagine what Zelda would think about it, and so, the letter would end up as a crumpled up piece of paper on top of the growing pile. If Uli had been able to see her, she would surely have given her a sharp reprimand for wasting so much paper, but Midna could not bring herself to worry about that as she sat down on her chair for yet another evening of trying to find the words to explain—no, apologise, she had to apologise, not explain—to Zelda that Tuesday. What were a few more pieces of paper against the coldness she could feel making its way into her life, an icy feeling that had nothing to do with the fact that the winter did not look like it would spare them from the freezing cold winds it brought along?
Pressing the tip of the fountain pen to the paper, Midna tried to empty her mind. The words had to come, they had to. But even as she felt her hand begin to shake under the pressure, the tip of the pen beginning to dig into the paper as the ink made it soft, the words refused to appear in her mind.
At last, she opened her eyes and took in the sight of the blue ink seeping into the tiny grooves. It looked almost like veins as it spread out. She crumpled it all up with a single, angry movement. The paper landed on top of the pile, for a moment making it almost look like she had meant for it to end there, but then the added weight made the pile collapse, the discarded letters rolling over the table, a few of them ending up on the floor
Midna placed her head on the table, the cold wood pressing against her forehead. It was hopeless.