Midna was not sure what the nightmare was about. For all she knew, the usual sight of her mother and Zelda telling her exactly how her mistakes had affected everyone around her might very well have been replaced with scenarios where the coal would come alive and taunt her, and Midna would have been none the wiser.
All she knew was that she woke up with a scream dying on her lips, already in the middle of trying to sit up in her bed, hoping that that would be enough to escape the feelings of terror, when she felt someone press her back down with a gentle hand on her shoulder, something damp touching her forehead.
Blinking, Midna tried to look into the darkness, tried to recognise the faint outline of the person next to her. From what she could see, they were sitting down—they must have dragged the chair from her desk over to her bed, her tired brain supplied her with—slowly dabbing the sweat away from her forehead with a damp piece of cloth.
The person must have noticed that she was awake, for Midna could hear how the fabric of their clothes rustled as they turned to move the cloth away for a moment. "Shh," they whispered, their voice low and calming, "everything is fine. Just relax."
She would have recognised the voice anywhere. With how her heart instantly sped up a little, Midna having to fight the instinct to reach out to touch her hand to make sure that she was really there and that this was not all just a different part of her nightmares, albeit a nightmare where Midna could not quite see how could ever have been intended as a way to scare her, she was at once grateful for how the darkness would be sure to conceal the way she could not keep herself from smiling and wishing that she could have seen her.
"Zelda." when she did not get a reply, Midna knew that she had guessed correctly. But then the fact that she should not be here, that this was her own cabin, hit her, and Midna found herself instantly reminded of the fact that she was lying here, having allowed the princess to see her when she was at her most vulnerable, and felt how her voice dropped to a suspicious whisper. "What are you doing here?"
Zelda must have caught the barely hidden meaning of the question, for the next second, she leant away from her again, removing her hand from her shoulder. "I heard you scream. You woke me up and I decided to go see if there was anything wrong, only to find you in here, bathed in cold sweat." Midna might not have been able to see Zelda, but she could almost hear how she shrugged as she continued. "So I decided that I would try to make sure that you were all right, getting a blouse from your wardrobe that seemed clean as I tried my best to keep you from panicking even more."
"But… the door…" Midna felt how her brain slowly began to wake up once more, beginning to piece together what had happened, how Zelda had apparently found it in her to go help her even after everything that had happened between them over those last few weeks, "it should have been locked. How did you get in?"
"It wasn't." Zelda must have been able to guess what Midna's silence meant, for she continued, her tone of voice becoming sharper than what Midna had heard before until her voice seemed so unlike what she was used to that, had it not been for how she already knew that it was Zelda sitting next to her, Midna would not have been surprised if she had not been able to recognise her. "The door was open when I came here, or well, you might have remembered to close it, but it wasn't locked."
Slowly, the events of the previous evening began to return to her, Midna remembering how she had given up on composing the apology to Zelda, instead falling asleep at her desk. Midna knitted her brows. She had been sitting in her room, barely having the energy to move over to her bed. But before she had done any of that, she had remembered to turn towards the door and turn the key, had she not? She was almost completely certain she had, but the more Midna thought about it, the more that little feeling of not being completely sure grew, until she had to admit that Zelda might be right.
"Oh, well, I…" Midna could feel Zelda sitting next to her, she could hear her breathe, but as she continued, it felt almost like she might have been alone, like she might be sitting with her letters again rather than Zelda herself. She tried to focus on that feeling, tried to imagine that she was not talking directly to Zelda and that she could take back anything if she came to regret having told her later, "thank you. For… well, for coming here to make sure that I would survive. Thank you."
"It was nothing." the chair slid across the floor as Zelda stood up.
With how her eyes were beginning to grow used to the lack of light, Midna could just barely make out the expression on her face when she focused, turning towards her to see how there were no traces of her usual smile to be found on her face.
Zelda placed the blouse on the table next to her, and it felt almost like Midna had jumped over the side of the Shadow with how her stomach seemed to fall to the floor as she realised how the table in question had to be her desk, the very same desk where all her letters must still be lying in a pile, simply waiting for Zelda to find them and demand to know why Midna kept several pieces of paper in her room.
But maybe Ilia had decided to pray for her as well lately, for as Zelda turned back to look down at her, Midna could not see anything in her expression that might be a sign that she had noticed the letters, that the next word out of her mouth might be the beginning of a question about the use for them.
Instead, Zelda shook her head a little as she looked at her. "I suppose I should get going then. After all, I cannot spend the entire night up here."
"Wait!" Midna had not realised that she had yelled the word, nor how she had reached out towards Zelda, catching nothing but air as Zelda moved her hand away at the last moment. Clearing her throat and hoping that Zelda might simply have decided to regard it as just an awkward cough, Midna tried again, this time able to take Zelda's hand. "Wait, just a little longer. Please. I—I don't want to be all alone."
In the silence that followed, Midna almost managed to convince herself that it might have worked, that, even with how she had done nothing to deserve it, Zelda might stay.
Then, Zelda pulled her hand out of her grip, making Midna's arms fall back down, her left hand hitting the wooden side of her bed, sending a painful twinge up through her arm. "I can't. I have to get some sleep myself as well. I hope that you will be all right on your own, Midna. Goodnight."
She was leaving. Even in her tired state, Midna was able to understand that, so, jumping out of the bed, the world spinning around her as it forced her to wait for a moment, she tried to follow after her, attempted to tell her what she had wasted so much paper on trying to put into words.
"Zelda, wait," Midna called out, forcing herself not to yell as they walked across the deck. The last thing she would want was for anyone to look out into the hangar and begin to question why the one who had claimed the captain's cabin for herself was looking like she had not slept for ages, why she was trying to beg the princess of Hyrule not to leave, "please, Zelda, I am sorry!"
But Zelda didn't hear her, or at least that was what Midna tried to convince herself was the case. Thinking that the reason for why Zelda continued directly towards the hatch leading into the inside of the ship, not pausing for even a second to give Midna an opportunity to try to breathe and find the words for what she wanted to say was that she had not heard her was so much easier than admitting that, truly, Zelda had no reason to want to stop even if she had noticed the desperate edge to her voice.
Still, it did not keep Midna from quickening her pace. If she had been properly awake, Midna knew she would have been able to catch up with Zelda in mere moments, but as it was, even something as simple as trying not to stumble as she made her way over the wooden planks that made up the deck of a ship that was much older than herself was enough to slow her down considerably. Still, even if she had been able to sprint over to Zelda, Midna doubted that it would have helped much, as it would only have brought her a few metres closer to Zelda before she would then have to figure out what she could say to apologise.
Her voice echoed through the hallway as Zelda continued over to her room with an air around her that almost made Midna question whose ship it really was. From the way Zelda was able to walk over to her door with the same kind of normalcy that Midna had yet to achieve even after so many years of trying to make herself grow used to coming there, she would not have faulted anyone for thinking that it was Zelda's ship. Maybe it really was. If the king found out about them, if he came to the base, Midna was sure that her ship would either receive a new layer of paint, enough to remove all traces of the crest of the Twili royal family before it would be given to the princess or be burnt, and with how everything seemed to have set them on a course towards certain doom these days, Midna could not help the horrible feeling of how they were all living on borrowed time from washing over her as she rushed forwards, only for Zelda to slam the door behind her.
Placing her head against the door, hoping that it would somehow be enough for Zelda to sense everything she wanted to tell her, Midna could hear how she twisted the key around. But unlike the first time Midna had heard the piece of metal inside the mechanism slide into place, keeping anyone from entering or leaving the room, she knew that it was not a matter of her locking Zelda inside the room anymore. No, now Zelda had locked the door to keep her from entering. And as much as Midna wanted to sit by the door and wait for the moment where she would have to come back out, giving her a moment to talk with her, yelling to make sure she would be heard on the other side of the door, seizing the chance that Zelda had provided her by making it so she would have to stay in there, she could not fault her for making that decision.
Ilia would probably have said that she should have gone back to her room and taken the letters back down to place in front of Zelda's room, making it so she would not be able to leave without finding them, but by the time Midna was back inside the cabin, she could not find the strength to do so.
Instead, she lay down on her bed and looked up at the ceiling above her. Although her eyes felt like they were burning, her entire body feeling heavy after having gone through weeks of not getting enough sleep, she could not bring herself to close her eyes. The risk that she would only bring herself face to face with her own mother and Zelda was too much for her to do that. Then, she would prefer to feel tired.
But the fact that she refused to sleep did not seem to protect her from the influence of the nightmares. Somehow, the version of Zelda that told her everything she must think about Midna had found its way into the room with her, and as much as Midna tried to ignore it, reminding herself that, no matter what, it was only a figment of her imagination, she kept turning back towards it, moved to do it by what felt almost like some kind of morbid fascination.
What Zelda thought about her should not matter. Midna knew that. At the end of the day, fact was that Zelda was a princess, and not just any princess at that. If they had only found out that the stowaway had been the prince of Labrynna, Midna could almost believe that they might have been able to reach some kind of agreement, making the prince promise not to supply Ganondorf with the knowledge he would need to cause their downfall by promising to protect the Labrynnan ships that might pass over the kingdom. But Zelda had to be the princess of Hyrule, and no matter how good she might be at making the people around her like her, Midna had to remember that. That was the thing, was it not?
It felt almost like the nightmarish version of the woman drew back a little, just enough to give Midna space to breathe without feeling like the air had become water. It was becoming easier day by day to forget about the title. Midna suspected that some part of her would never quite be able to forget, but the more she thought about it, the clearer it became to her that the voice that begged her to cling onto the knowledge about how Zelda represented everything they were fighting against was the very same that had made her lash out at both Rusl, Ilia, and Link. And look at where that had led her.
Outside the porthole, Midna could see how sky slowly became lighter, the night no longer appearing as dark anymore, but she had never felt more awake than in that moment. Princess Zelda, it was only a title, and if Midna tried, she was sure that she would be able to take that title and push it down into the chest inside her mind. That was where it belonged after all, left in there along with everything else that had ever hurt her.
It required her spending most of Thursday alone in her room, sending away Hanch when he came to talk to her, but by Friday, Midna had somehow been able to muster up the courage that her plan called for.
Heading towards the kitchens, Midna tried her best to justify the plan to herself. It was not that she was planning to use up all of their resources, and what little she would need, she would take from her own rations, but she still felt almost like a thief when she pushed open the door, moving quietly to make sure that she was alone before she stepped into the kitchen.
Perhaps the room had once been an imposing sight. With what little she had been about to find out about it from the books they had been able to salvage from the castle, the fortress had once been meant to serve as the last stronghold for the royal family of the Twilight Realm if they would ever find themselves facing a threat they could not fight, Midna supposed that it might not only have been to impress the soldiers, but also to ensure that the chefs would be able to maintain a level of luxury when it came to the food that would be brought to the royal family. Considering how the author of the book hade made sure to explain how the base was only to be used for the soldiers deemed the most trustworthy, that anyone who were to live there while the royal family had been forced to flee to the base would have to have received personal permission to do so from the regent, Midna might almost have found the fact that she had all but asked a bunch of total strangers to join her and Link as they searched for the base, having no clues other than an old map where half of it had been obscured by what seemed like water, funny. But now, all that mattered to her was that a kitchen made for royals meant that she could be sure that she would not find herself lacking the tools necessary for what she would try to do.
Placing the tiny bag of ingredients on the table, Midna began to search for a bowl. That was what she had seen the servants do, was it not? Her memory had grown blurry over the years, the first few years where they had had plenty to eat, the servants still able to hope that their exile would only be for a moment, becoming more and more difficult to recall, but Midna was still sure that she had not made up the memory of one of them, a tall, elderly woman who had always shook her head as the others talked about going home until she had joined them in the end, telling her that she should begin by pouring the dry ingredients into a bowl. Or had that been the wet ingredients?
The more Midna thought about it, the more she could feel the memory slip away from her, and although she had sworn that she would never cry over them again, she heard how the spoon clattered against the side of the bowl as she lost her grip on it, her knees buckling below her. Before she knew of it, she was leaning in over the table, having propped her elbow up onto the surface to give herself a way to remain upright. She refused to fall to the floor again. If she could not remain strong enough to not let it overwhelm her, she would at least make sure that she would not fall.
She should already be almost finished with the task. Midna knew that. The plan was the only thing that had made her able to make it through those last few weeks, the hope that if she only did this, Zelda might be willing to wait for enough time to let her apologise having supplied her with energy even when her eyelids had felt so heavy she wasn't sure how she had been able to remain awake. She owed it to Zelda to at least try. She knew all of that, and yet, no matter how many times she gritted her teeth and told herself to get it under control again, to make sure that she had closed the lid of the chest properly this time to ensure that the memories would not get the chance to escape from where she had tried so hard to keep them in place again, Midna could not make herself stop.
In the end, it was not any kind of mental strength, but rather the sound of the door closing echoing from the other end of the room that made Midna look up.
For a moment, both she and Uli were simply staring at one another, none of them moving to say anything.
"Midna?" Uli's brows formed a tiny crease. "What are you doing here?" but as she said it, her gaze fell onto the bowl next to Midna and how she had tried her best to line up the ingredients on the table in front of her.
"I—" Midna shook her head, forcing herself not to cry, not to show any sign of weakness, "I was planning to talk with someone, someone I have to apologise to. But since she does not want to talk with me, I figured that it would be a good idea to bring her something, something that she will like."
"So you decided to bake her a cake?" Uli concluded for her, and Midna could not have been more grateful for how she did not mention Zelda's name, even though it was apparent from the way Uli's gaze flickered between the ingredients, the bowl, and Midna, that she was thinking back to the last time she had seen them together and realising the connection between the anger and hurt that had filled that hallway and why Midna had been standing with Zelda pressed against the wall in front of her.
She bowed her head. "Yes."
"Well… do you know how to?"
It was such an absurd question that Midna almost found herself chuckling slightly. With the lost look she was shooting the bowl, trying to eye the ingredients as if they would be able to tell her in which order she should mix them together, it was kind of Uli to pretend that she did not already know what the answer to that question would be.
"No."
At that, Uli began to move through the room, coming over to stand next to her and taking in the fact that, even with the four different kinds of ingredients Midna had decided might be used for a cake—her part of the honey, the frozen berries Uli had let her keep from the last time she had participated in a mission to gather food in the forest, a handful of flour from one of the missions, and water whose taste she hoped would not betray the fact that it was melted snow—there would still barely be enough for a mouthful.
Finally, turning to look back over at her, Uli sent her a smile so warm that Midna was sure that it was what having a mother must feel like. "If you won't mind, I would gladly help you."
She could have cried, have lost her composure and hugged Uli, too grateful for how she did not wait for her to ask, did not look at her and decide that, no matter what, she was not her child, not the way Colin was, not the way her unborn child would be, and that now, with Rusl gone, she had more than enough to take care of already without also having to help Midna after she had done her very best to push everyone away from her.
Midna was honestly not sure how she avoided doing any of those things, but somehow, she must have found the strength, for she nodded, barely able to keep back the tears. "If it would not cause you too many problems, then, thank you… I really would like for you to show me how to do… any of this."
"Don't worry about it." Uli brushed off all of the words Midna could feel waiting at the tip of her tongue, waiting for her to try to insist again that, if this was any kind of problem for Uli, she really could figure it out on her own. "If anything, it has been so long since the last time I have got the opportunity to bake anything this complicated that you are doing me a favour by letting me participate."
Deciding that, with the look Uli was sending the honey, looking almost like she could remember what Midna liked to imagine had been an idyllic life back in Ordon Village, she might not be lying, at least not fully, Midna kicked her guilty conscience over into a corner of her mind and accepted the offer for help Uli had extended towards her. "Yes, I mean, thank you. For offering to help me." she was not sure why she felt the need to clarify that, but already the moment after the words had left her mouth, Midna felt how she wanted to take them back, to make them unsaid. Why could she not just have stopped after thanking Uli, why did she always have to add something unnecessary to the end of her sentences?
But if Uli felt insulted by the comment, she hid it well, already reaching out towards the ingredients as she began to speak. "Now, it is a while since the last time I tried to do this, but if you think about it, this might just be like that time when Hanch had got honey for his wife and she decided to give some of it to me to let me bake a cake for everyone." as Uli moved over to grab the flour, closing her eyes for a second, Midna was not sure where she was—in the past or in the present. "Of course, it is many years since now, but how much can baking really have changed since then? Not much is what I will say."
Uli worked as she talked. Midna had known that before; she had seen first-hand exactly how fast Uli could be when she had to move over to the other end of the kitchen to make sure that they would not let anything go to waste, walking in a way that did not do much to let anyone know how she might give birth any moment now, something Midna had overheard Beth tell her, only for Uli to laugh and tell her that, with a bit of luck, the child would be born in spring and experience warmth rather than cold. But now, as she began to chat about everything and nothing, it felt almost like everyone within the base had come to help her with the swiftness Uli exhibited, making it so that it was only a matter of minutes before she had combined all of the ingredients in the bowl before beginning to search for something to keep the cake somewhat together while in the oven.
"You know what?" Uli said after a few minutes of searching, standing back up with a groan, "I think we are just going to pour it onto a plate. It should not matter that much—I doubt this is enough batter to make any sort of cake tin necessary."
Midna nodded, hoping that she was at least somewhat able to hide the fact that she really had no idea about what that meant. Surely, if Uli said that it was fine, then it was exactly that. "If you say so."
They worked in silence for a bit, Midna almost able to feel how she was being torn between the need to say something, to try to put those last few weeks into words, and simply letting it be. It was a cowardly way to treat her emotions, essentially handling them by refusing to acknowledge them, but when everything was said and done, Midna supposed that was just who she was—a coward. And not even a coward who was at least good at refraining from making her problems even worse than they were in the first place. No, rather than not mentioning things, she absolutely had to lose her composure and lash out at anyone around her, further complicating the feelings that were whirling through her head in that moment. Maybe, if she had just been able to accept that Zelda's claims that Ashei would save Rusl might have been her way of trying to understand what had just happened, then she might not be standing here right now, baking a cake for her.
Midna wanted to believe that was true; after all, other than that one time, she had not done anything wrong, she had acted exactly the way any other person would have treated someone boarding their ship. However, as she and Uli watched the tiny cake rising in the oven, Midna having to bite her tongue to keep herself from asking Uli if it was supposed to look like a piece of bread that had been left to soak in water for a few hours, she could not help but wonder if she would not still have been here even if she had not yelled at Zelda that one time. The need to say no, to assure herself that she was able to separate the problems in her mind was overwhelming, and yet, she was not able to completely dismiss the thought that she might have been led to this moment no matter what.
Just as she was about to ask Uli if the cake would be finished soon, eyeing the burnt patches with an uneasy feeling in her stomach, Uli pulled the metallic plate back out, quickly tipping it to let the cake fall onto one of the few plates where the gold trimming still spoke of how the royal family should have been with them in that moment.
"Here." Uli pushed the plate towards her, making it slide across the table, coming to stop in front of her. "Now you can use the berries to decorate it however you want."
"Thank you." Midna could hear how her voice stuck to the side of her throat, making it feel almost like it pulled the next words along with it, forcing her to blink away the tears as the feelings rose up with it as well. "And… I—I am sorry—about what happened to Rusl, I mean. I should have done more, so much more. He saved me back then, you know." she was not sure why, but in that moment, it felt important to make sure that Uli understood how her husband had been caught because he had saved her from meeting the same fate, that he had thrown himself at a guard to buy her the chance and time to escape, only to have her abandon him when she should have insisted on going back to rescue him. "And then, when it was my turn to make sure that he would be able to go home, to return to you and Colin and the little one… I fled. I let the ship bring us back home when I should have fought to make it turn around to give us another chance to save him. I know that I can never apologise enough for that, but I will have to try. Uli, I am so sorry." Midna could already feel the tears streaming down her cheeks, making her vision become a collection of blurry dots and colours, and no matter how much she blinked, furious at how she was making it about herself even now, how she was standing here, crying, when she had just admitted that it was her fault, she could not stop the tears from coming.
The next moment, however, rather than telling her that this was the consequence she would have to endure for having allowed her husband to be captured by the soldiers, Uli reached out towards her, pulling her into a hug so tight that it did not feel like her stomach was causing her any trouble. As she stroked her hair, Midna was sure she could hear her cry as well, her uneven breathing making her heart break in two.
"I am not blaming you, Midna," Uli whispered, "no one is. We know that you are just as distraught as the rest of us, even if you don't show it the same way." she must have been able to tell how Midna was only seconds away from letting out a humourless laugh, reminded of how, while it seemed like the rest of the residents of their little fortress had done their best to remember Rusl's wishes for them and for the future, trying to honour his memory with a funeral, she had been busy pushing everyone around her away, for Uli did not give her a chance to interrupt, instead continuing. "Truly, I don't think there is a single person within this mountain who would ever even imagine blaming you for what happened."
"But they should. I mean, I was the one he sacrificed himself for. If only I had been able to see the attack coming, if I had stepped aside, then he would still be here. I should have done more, and even if people won't say that to me directly, it is still the truth."
"No." Uli grabbed her by the shoulders, leaning back just enough so that she could look up at her, maintaining eye contact with such intensity in her eyes that Midna would not have been surprised if she was able to look directly into her soul. "No, Midna. You think that that is the truth, but, really, it is as far from it as it could possibly be. You have already done more for us than we can ever thank you for. You and Link, had it not been for you two, then we would all have been captured the moment the king would have sent his soldiers to the ruins of Ordon Village to make sure that he had not left any survivors to speak of what had happened. You kept that from happening. If you had not been there, we would all have been caught years ago. So don't blame yourself for what happened to Rusl, I won't let you do that. I am sure that if he was here now, he would tell you that he was just grateful for how you gave him so many more years to spend with his family."
She wanted to argue with her, she wanted to keep herself from believing what she was saying, wanted to deny herself the relief that would come with allowing herself to be comforted by the story about Rusl having known that this would happen sooner or later and that he was just thankful that they had been able to delay the moment for all those years. Midna wanted all of that. But even as she could feel her breathing grow more controlled, the blur in front of her eyes soon disappearing, telling her that she was no longer crying, at least not the same way she had done at first, it felt wrong to think that way. After all, if she accepted that what had happened to Rusl had been inevitable, that she had only been able to buy the residents of Ordon a few years rather than saving them completely, was there even any use in continuing the fight for survival? If Uli truly viewed the situation as something she could not run from, if it was an opinion she shared with the other people who would smile at her and try to say something when she would pass by them, was the home Midna had allowed herself to imagine they would find together in the base just something she had borrowed for a time, knowing that she would have to give it all back when the time came? She hoped not. If that was the case, then where would she and Link be once they had all disappeared? Would they be left alone in the base, sad and bitter? Would they abandon it, feeling the pull to look for other survivors, to try to see if they could recreate the luck that had come to them when they had found the ruins of Ordon just in time to convince the few survivors who had hid in the forests around the village that they might be able to keep them safe, that they all shared the same goal of trying to find a place where Ganondorf could not find them?
Or would the universe decide that Link, her first friend, belonged in the same category as Uli, Ilia, Jaggle, and everyone else? After all, as much as Midna struggled to imagine a world where she did not wake up in the morning knowing that he would be at her side, as much as she could not imagine not having the comfort of knowing that there was not a fight serious enough to keep her from being able to go to him when she needed help, fact was that they had meet under similar circumstances, both of them trying to steal enough food to survive in the streets of Hateno Village, agreeing to work together to make them able to find enough fuel to use the Shadow to escape from the streets and to instead dream of finding a home. Would he leave her as well? If that was the case, Midna would be left alone with Zelda.
It had to be one of the effects of knowing that, at least, Zelda would not leave her, not when fate seemed to be so intent on making her stay there with Midna, ignoring how many times she had found herself wishing that she would disappear, but as Midna tried to imagine it, she found that she preferred it to being completely alone again.
Shaking her head like it would make the thought disappear, Midna looked back down at Uli. "I just feel like I should have done more to save him," she mumbled. It felt too much like a confession, almost like she was not aware of how everyone would already have thought of that.
But Uli just brought her into yet another hug. "Don't. There was nothing you could have done. Rusl would want for you to move on—he would not have wanted for you to completely lose yourself to the thoughts about what you would have done differently if you had the ability to change the past."
Her words came close to poking at exactly the spot in her mind where Midna had banished all thoughts about the past to, the chest she had used to keep those thoughts from appearing in her mind all the time. But, somehow, she was able to keep the lid closed, forcing it to remain shut as she blinked the tears away and hoped that she did not look as pathetic as she felt when she looked over at Uli.
"He would?" her voice was light, hopeful, and Midna hated herself for it, how she was making Uli feel like she was obligated to comfort her and assure her that she was not to blame.
"I know he wouldn't." Uli let the hug last for a few seconds longer, but then she did also pull back, looking towards the cake and the berries almost like she wanted a way to bring an end to the conversation.
Midna could not blame her for it, not when she was the first to try to keep herself from having to come face to face with any unpleasant feelings.
"Uh," Uli cleared her throat, her voice sounding slightly broken as she tried to regain her composure, "you should probably hurry to finish the cake. I think Zelda would like it better if it was still warm when you give it to her."
"Yes. Of course." Midna saw how Uli turned around, already getting ready to leave, and felt how the words almost pushed themselves out of her mouth. "And thank you." for what felt like the first time in ages, she did not feel the need to specify why she wanted to thank her. It was enough to just see the way Uli turned around, sending her a short smile.
"You are welcome."
Perhaps she spent a bit too much time on making sure that the berries would not roll off the cake. Maybe she was acutely aware of how her eyes were red, hoping that the chance to calm down for a moment would give them a chance to stop giving away the fact that she had just cried. But, if asked, Midna would have remained adamant that she was not trying to delay the moment where she would have to go to Zelda and look at her face while she would no doubt tell her to leave her alone. There was no idea in trying to convince herself that it was a lost cause, not before she had tried.
So, forcing herself to imagine a world where Zelda might look up at her and tell her that she just needed a bit more time, a day where she did not constantly have to look at her, Midna picked up the plate and began to head back towards hangar, thinking that this must be what it had felt like the first time she had ever had to jump over the handrail of the Shadow, simply deciding to trust the harness and rope to catch her in time. The memory was too foggy to recall, but she was sure that the sight of the land lying below her, looking almost like a painting with how far up she was, must once have frightened her. But even then, it was nothing when compared to the sinking feeling that she would never be able to make Zelda forgive her or at least give her another chance of apologising.
It was lucky for her that she had not once seen Zelda leave her room in the days following the night where she had woken up to find her dabbing the sweat away from her forehead. If she had had to search for her in the base, running around in the corridors to try to make her wait for long enough time to hand her the cake and the apology she still had yet to figure out how to put into words, Midna was sure she would have given up already. But with how she could not justify turning back now, not when she could hear Zelda pacing around inside her room from the moment she closed the hatch after her, fumbling in the dark for a moment before regaining her footing, Midna was able to force herself to continue, to reach out to knock on the door.
She waited, having almost arrived at the conclusion that Zelda was not going to open up for her, when the sound of the key being twisted filled the empty space around her and Zelda opened up the door just enough to poke her head out into the hallway.
"Oh." if Zelda was surprised to see her, she did her best not to show it, for despite what Midna had expected, she did not instantly send her a disappointed look. "You."
And that was really all she could have hoped for. Zelda had acknowledged her presence, and while she did not open up the door fully, she did not close it either, instead remaining where she was, with a hand on the handle and looking like she would be able to slam the door in her face and twist the key at a moment's notice.
"Yes, me." her voice sounded flat. Midna could hear it. Even after she tried to clear her throat, her voice continued to shake slightly as she held out the plate towards Zelda, a hopeful smile making its way onto her face. "I thought that you might want this."
The look Zelda sent the plate was not unlike what Midna might have sent the steam engine of her ship when she could hear it try to tell her that it might not be able to take them back home to the base. "What is it?"
Midna felt her heart drop. She had messed up. The cake had been a bad idea right from the very beginning. But still, she was not about to give up just yet, not before she was sure that there was no hope left at all, so she tried with a smile. "Fruitcake. I… I thought that you might like having something to remind you of home. But, yeah, I know." she felt almost like the smile was threatening to fall off her face, the unnatural feeling of it almost seeming to seep into the room around them. "It is nothing like what you must be used to, just what little I was able to find."
She was saved by what Midna knew was Zelda's upbringing, for that was the only possible explanation for how she shook her head, almost like she would not be able to bear having Midna think that she wasn't grateful for the delicacy that Midna knew was only a poor imitation of what she had been talking about that day in the larder. "No, that was not what I was thinking. It is just… well, why?"
"Why?" Midna repeated. Already, she was almost certain that she knew exactly what Zelda meant, but it did not keep her from trying to buy herself a few seconds longer to consider her answer.
"Why did you bring me this? I thought that we were starving—where did you get the ingredients for this?"
That, Midna did know the answer to. Making sure that her face would not show any emotions, she nodded towards the cake. "Because I thought that you might like it. And because I know that I—that I really messed up back then and I wanted to apologise to you. So I thought that you might like getting some kind of present that might remind you of home."
"But…" as Zelda looked back and forth between her and the plate, Midna thought she saw the beginning of a tiny smile, a trace of muscles pulling around her lips, but she made sure to bury the hope. If this ended up with Zelda telling her to leave her alone the way she expected it to, it would hurt less if she had not first managed to convince herself that there was hope for them, "I still don't understand. Why all of this?" the way Zelda gestured towards the cake seemed to be meant to encompass more than just the treat.
Midna shrugged. It was easier that way, allowing her to pretend that all of this was just about the cake and nothing else. "Because I thought that maybe it would give me the chance to talk with you for a moment, to apologise without you walking away from me." she let out a bitter laugh. "Yes, I haven't changed at all; I am still a selfish asshole."
Zelda did not disagree with her, but she didn't agree either. Midna decided to view that as a sign that perhaps, only perhaps, there might be just a bit of hope.
"I suppose so. But you still did not tell me where you got the ingredients for all of this." Zelda held the plate op to her face, inspecting the cake. "It must have required a lot of sugar to make this, or at least a bit of honey or something. Where did you get all that?"
"From my rations." Midna tried her best not to show how much time she had spent trying to gather the ingredients, the hours she had spent figuring out how she could find more food in her already limited diet that would not lead to her starving halfway through winter. "Uli allowed me to take a bit of the honey, just what she might have used for me later on. She actually also helped me make the cake itself, for I fear that I am horrible at baking." the laugh sounded hollow, unsure, as she looked towards Zelda, waiting for her reaction.
She made sure to let her wait for it. Looking back up from the cake, Zelda clenched her jaw for a moment before she stepped back, away from the door, opening it up. "Come on." she motioned towards the room behind her, and when Midna remained frozen in place, unsure about what she meant, what she should do, she sighed, her shoulders falling until they were no longer practically at the level of her ears. "Midna, please don't leave me waiting. Come in."
"Wait." all Midna could do was to stare at her, still painfully aware of how she was holding onto the plate like it would be able to save her life. "Are you saying that….?"
Zelda smiled at her. "If you really made that cake with the food that should have got you through the winter, then I suppose it is only right that you would be the one to eat it, wouldn't you say so?."
"But I made it for you."
Even that was not able to do more than to make Zelda hesitate for a moment, gaze travelling from Midna, down to the cake, and then back up at her. "We can share it then. How does that sound?"
"Splendid," Midna answered, already feeling how a smile spread across her face without giving her any say in the matter. It was not a sign that she would be able to tell Zelda how sorry she was, how she knew that she had messed up back then, and that she wanted to apologise, but it might be a beginning, fragile as it seemed.
Following along after Zelda, Midna made sure to keep her grip on the plate, not risking that she might drop it as her hands began to shake slightly the moment she found herself back inside that room. Hoping that she might be able to hide her anxious behaviour by not stopping talking, she gestured towards the chair and table placed next to Zelda's bed. "So, should I just place it here?"
"Yes." Zelda barely paused to turn around to look at her, simply continuing over to sit down on the edge of her bed, leaving the chair vacant. She must have noticed the way Midna looked between her and the chair for, a smile that was so bright it made it seem almost like Zelda would be able to empty the room of the spirits that had haunted it for so long gracing her lips, she nodded towards her. "Please, sit down."
Midna did as she was told to and tried to ignore how the chair squeaked beneath her, almost like it was protesting against her presence in the room.
"So," Zelda leant in over the table, resting her chin in the palm of her hand as she sent Midna a studying look that made her feel almost like she could see into her soul, "you remembered. The cake, I mean."
At once intimately aware of how the warm feeling in her cheeks had to be a sign that she was blushing, Midna kept her gaze fixed firmly on the cake between them. "I did. With how it was the first time I had ever heard you admit that there was something from Hyrule Castle that you missed, it would have been difficult for me to forget it." she did not have to look at Zelda and see the way her expression clouded to know that she had said something wrong The very air between them felt almost like it was growing colder as Midna stammered to continue. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just… you looked happy when you talked about it, so I supposed that… well, that I might get a chance to apologise to you if I was able to offer you something."
But Zelda shook her head, the smile returning moments later. "It had nothing to do with you. That—the thing right before, I mean—I was just—it reminded me of something I would have preferred to forget."
"Oh. All right then." Midna felt incredibly stupid as she had to mentally restrain herself from asking just what Zelda was referring to. If she did not want to be reminded of it, of course she was not going to tell Midna about it, no matter how many cakes she might have brought along.
Almost as if she had been able to read her thoughts, Zelda pointed towards the cake where one of the berries had rolled off the top to instead lie on the plate. "Do you want to have the first bite?"
"No." that was the one thing Midna knew the answer to. This was Zelda's cake; this was part of the apology she deserved. She would rather leave than take the first bite away from her, especially when there was hardly more than a mouthful to the cake in the first place. "No, I thought that you should get that honour."
Her face must have made it clear that she would not be able to change her mind, for after looking at her for a second, Zelda chuckled and reached out towards the treat. "Then, I will make sure not to let it take a long time." tearing the cake in half, she lifted her half up to her mouth.
Midna followed the cake's path with her eyes, trying not to let her mind wander to the question of just how Zelda was able to make the motion seem elegant even when she did not have any cutlery. Instead, she continued to look at Zelda, trying to gauge from her expression whether the cake had been good enough. Maybe Zelda realised that was what she was doing, for, sending her a smirk, she made sure to look straight ahead, not letting her face show any reaction to the taste.
"Hmm," Zelda said at last, reaching up to touch her chin lightly, "I think that that might have been one of the best things I have ever eaten in my life." it almost felt like she emitted light as she smiled at Midna. "Thank you."
"I—" Midna began, hoping to tell her that there was no need to thank her, not when she had baked the cake to give herself a chance to apologise, an apology she knew she should have given Zelda the moment she had first stepped into the room. But she could not make a single sound leave her mouth, instead looking over at Zelda and hoping that she would assume that her silence was simply due to her not knowing how to respond.
That seemed to be the case, for Zelda nodded towards the cake before pushing the plate closer to her. "Here. Now it is your turn."
There was nothing Midna wanted more than to discover if the sweetness of the honey and berries combined with the rest of what little she had been able to gather could ever have tasted as good as Zelda seemed to think it had, but she still found herself hesitating, and for once, she could not tell if it was because the cake was Zelda's and that she should be able to eat it all, or if she was afraid of finding out whether or not Zelda was lying to spare her feelings, being kind to her even now, even after everything that had happened.
As she seconds passed, Zelda gradually drew her brows closer together until she at last cocked her head and smiled at her. "What are you waiting for, Midna? Go on, taste it, I promise you that it is delicious."
That made the decision for her, and Midna reached out to pick up the last bite of the cake. It felt soft, almost like it would fall apart in her hand if she did not hurry to eat it, which was exactly what Midna did.
At first, it felt almost like eating a piece of bread, albeit a piece of bread that was more fragile than anything she had ever tasted before, but then the full extent of the taste hit her. Sweetness, both the distinctive aroma that the honey had added to the cake and the one that hid a hint of something sour, almost overwhelmed her, making her know without a doubt that Zelda had not lied when she had said that it was one of the best things she had ever eaten. No matter how much Midna tried to think of something that might be able to compete with the taste of the cake, she doubted she would be able to find it.
"So?" Zelda prompted her, looking almost as excited as Midna supposed she would have been, had it not been for how she knew that she had yet to actually apologise. "It was amazing, right?"
"It was." in that moment, Midna could not tell whether she was relieved that the cake had been good enough or disappointed that Zelda had not, in fact, tried to make her feel better. She pushed all of it aside, instead preparing herself for the apology. "Listen, Zelda, I have to apologise. The way I reacted back when… back when we returned—it was despicable. You were only trying to help, and I… I… I am sorry." she had thought she would ask for forgiveness, but in that moment, Midna knew that she did not deserve that.
"I…" Zelda let the world trail off, looking down at her hands. That alone was enough to make Midna's stomach feel like it had disappeared to be replaced with rooks, but as Zelda looked back up, she did her best to hide her reaction, instead letting her continue, "I have to apologise as well."
"What?" it did not make any sense. What about her behaviour back then had made Zelda think that she had anything to apologise for? As much as Midna tried to search for an answer, she could not find it, instead adding. "No! You—I—I was the one who yelled at you and pushed you. What makes you think that you need to apologise as well?"
"I thought that I was helping by trying to convince you that there might still be hope." Zelda hesitated, looking around the room, almost like she was able to see the spirits. "But now I can see that it only made you feel worse with how I insisted that he might…" she paused and a shrug and an unsure smile almost made Midna doubt whether or not she was awake as Zelda looked over at her, "well, maybe I should not repeat all the things I said. But just know that I am sorry for having said all of that."
It would have been so easy to just say that there was no need for her to apologise, repeating Zelda's own words back at her, but Midna knew that it would not have been right. So, instead of taking the easy way out and pretend that everything was fine, she shook her head. "No. I have to apologise. What I did—it was not all right. Even if you had tried to make me feel sad, even if you had said all of that with the knowledge about how I would have reacted, it would still not make it all right. I am just—" she threw her hands above her head, struggling to find the words and the courage to continue. "I am sorry."
Zelda looked at her for the longest time. Rationally, Midna was able to tell herself that the moment was not able to have lasted for longer than a few seconds, but as she sat there, her heart feeling heavier and heavier with each passing second, almost regretting that she had eaten the half of the cake Zelda that had offered her as the sweetness of it threatened to crawl back up her throat, it felt like it lasted ages.
Then, Zelda began to cry and all thoughts disappeared in an instant.
Unable to do anything other than simply staring at her, the dawning horror that this was what her attempts at apologising had resulted in, Zelda sitting across from her, crying like Midna had just pushed her against the wall again, rendering her speechless, Midna felt how every little part of her yelled at her, urging her to do something, to try to console her, ask her what she had done wrong, do anything other than merely remaining in her seat and looking at how Zelda at first tried to wipe the tears away with the hem of her sleeve before giving up and allowing them to stream down her cheeks. Even as she was crying, Midna could not deny that Zelda was able to maintain an almost eerie collected demeanour, making it so that if she forced herself to ignore the tears, Midna might almost have been able to convince herself that nothing was wrong as Zelda looked back up at her.
"Oh, Midna," Zelda whispered, the mention of her name sending a shiver down Midna's back, "I—I just want for us to put all of this behind us and begin with a clean sheet." as she shook her head, the gesture almost seeming to be meant for herself rather than Midna, Zelda let out a hysteric laugh, her voice rising slightly. "That day, back when you agreed to accompany me into the forest, it was the happiest day of my life. I wish that it could have been like that for forever."
"Then you must not have had a lot of happy days in your life."
The words escaped her before Midna had even got the chance to think about them, born of the thought that if that day, with everything that had happened, how it had been cold enough to make the metal of the steam engine whine each time the wind hit the ship, how they had walked through the forest for ages, Midna making sure that they would not be able to share a conversation, only for Zelda to be pushed to the ground and dragged back to the base by Midna after they had almost been spotted by one of Ganondorf's men, had been among the happiest days of her life, then the bar for what was able to qualify as a good day must be low.
Bringing her hand up to cover her mouth like that would be able to bring back the words, Midna looked at Zelda, already knowing that her eyes were wide and panicked. "I am sorry, I didn't mean that, I don't know why—"
But Zelda only sent her a look Midna could not read, seeming almost sad at the thought. "I suppose I must not have," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
Midna did not know what to say. All too aware of how she might just have ruined her only chance of apologising to Zelda, she discreetly made sure to sit on her hands, not trusting herself to not begin to pull at her hair, trying her best to not yell at herself for how she could not even hold a conversation for five minutes without having to ruin everything, without having to bring every single interaction to an end.
As she remained quiet, the task of either sending her away or trying to find something to say fell to Zelda.
Once more reaching up to make sure she had at least somewhat managed to wipe away all traces of how she had cried only a few moments before, the corners of her lip curling up into a smile that even Midna could see was fake, she leant in over the table, closer towards Midna. "But what do you say, Midna? Do you think we could turn over a new leaf?"
And for once, Midna was able to force out the words while keeping everything else inside. "If you want to, I would be more than happy to do that."
The way Zelda's smile instantly grew warmer, the stiff look of it disappearing as she reached out to take her hand told her that that was a sentiment she would agree with. By then, Zelda's next words were hardly necessary, and yet, Midna would not have changed them for anything.
"I would love to!"
"Then it is a pleasure to meet you, Zelda." although she tried, Midna was not able to hide her glee as she reached out to offer Zelda her hand, and while she could undoubtedly have done better, have been able to express her feelings more eloquently, she found that she did not want to.
Zelda took her hand, squeezing it tightly as she looked directly into her eyes. "The pleasure is all mine."
And just like that, Midna could feel something warm spreading through her body, travelling from her heart out into every last part of her.
It was a new beginning. For both of them.