Zelda was not there.
Finding herself tapping the side of the plate with her fork, beating an unsure rhythm, Midna tried her best to convince herself that she did not care about where she was. If Zelda had decided to leave her alone again, what reasons would Midna have for missing her company? All she had really done was bringing an end to the silence that Midna had been able to enjoy before, seeming unwilling to accept the fact that she preferred to be left alone. There was no reason or her to continue to look towards the door of the cabin, waiting for Zelda to open it, seemingly finding a great sense of fulfilment in the way they were already past the point where she would at least take the time to knock before barging into the room. As annoying as it was, Midna still found herself waiting for the moment, unable to turn her attention back towards her food.
She was not going to be able to eat until she had found out where Zelda was. It was a frustrating truth, but a truth nonetheless.
So, pushing the chair back, the annoyance flaring up at the sound of the wood squeaking slightly as she stood up, Midna gave up on trying to forget about Zelda to instead go out to look for her. What did Zelda think she was doing, creating a habit where Midna had to grow used to having to endure her presence through every meal, having to hide the fact that the little smiles and glances Zelda would send her way as they ate were some of the most frustrating things she knew with how she never knew how to react, if she should return the gesture or ignore it?
The fear that maybe something had happened, that Zelda might be in a situation where she was unable to make her way onto the ship, pressed on, refusing to leave her alone despite how she tried to push it away. The base was not exactly a place where it was possibly to become so injured that it would be able to keep Zelda from at the very least informing Midna of how she would not eat dinner with her. She was fine, Midna had to believe that. This was most likely all some kind of plan, Zelda's way of trying to make Midna think that she missed her. If that was the case, Zelda would have to try harder, for as Midna made her way below deck, the only feeling whirling through her mind was that of annoyance, frustration that Zelda could not even ask someone to tell her that she would have to eat dinner alone. With how Link had returned to their side after the conversation about Rusl, Midna knew that he would not have hesitated to tell her about how she would have to eat alone if Zelda had asked him to. No, the only explanation for all of this was that Zelda was trying to make Midna admit to missing her, a plan that was not working at all.
Perhaps Midna paused in front of the door leading into Zelda's room for a moment before she raised her hand to knock on it. If she did, was it really so strange? After all, she would have to show Zelda that she was better than her, that she was only coming down here to tell her that she was doing fine on her own.
That was when she heard it, the sound of muffled sobs.
From the way she could only barely hear it as she stood there, Midna knew that, had it not been for the fact that wooden doors on a ship meant the ability to sail through the clouds, making it possible for the captain to have everyone up on the deck within seconds of spotting a potentially hostile ship in the distance, she would not have noticed it. Even as she pressed her ear to the door, the sobs were still barely audible, the person on the other side clearly doing their best not to make a sound.
Zelda, she was the one who was there on the other side of the door. It felt almost unnatural to connect what she was hearing with the image of her. With how she had mastered the stoic expression, constantly displaying frightening levels of idealism by insisting that they would be able to overthrow a king, Midna might have assumed that she was incapable of experiencing the range of emotions that might leave someone crying in their room while trying not to be heard, but the sound of someone struggling to breathe, constantly interrupted by sobs, made it evident how that was not the case.
Midna pushed the door open, almost feeling like she did not have any right to be there, like she was intruding, what she probably also was. Had the roles been reversed, had she been the one to cry and try to muffle the sound by crying into her quilt, Midna knew that she would have preferred for everyone to leave her alone, but even though she was aware of how she should turn around and leave before Zelda would get the chance to look at her and ask what she was doing there, she could not make herself turn around.
"Zelda?" her voice made her sound smaller, almost like she was asking her for permission to be there, to walk around on her own ship. "Is—what is wrong?"
A sniffle, Zelda's shoulders rising up to her ears, and then she had turned around to face Midna.
She looked horrible. Midna was barely able to keep herself from taking a step backwards, losing courage, as she saw how Zelda's eyes were red and puffy, making sure that she would not be able to fool herself into thinking that she had only been crying like this for a few minutes.
"Midna?"
"Yes." going against what the rational side of her told her to do, Midna stepped towards her. "It is me."
An unsure look made its way onto Zelda's face, only to be replaced with panic as she began to struggle to move off the bed, tears still streaming down her face as she tried to recover her balance. "Nayru, what time is it? I missed dinner, didn't I—Midna, I am so sorry, I—"
"Hey, hey. Don't apologise." Midna did not realise that she had moved until she was crouching down next to the bed, taking Zelda's hand. "It is not your fault."
"But I forgot about dinner—"
"And so have I done plenty of times. It is really not that big of a deal." ignoring the urge to brush her thumb across Zelda's knuckles, Midna forced herself to seem calm, like she had not been only a few seconds away from throwing the door open to ask her what she was doing, why she had abandoned her now, after Midna had found herself in a situation where she had no other choice than to begin to talk about Rusl even though she would have preferred to forget him. "Really, I am sure that Uli will understand that you did not go to pick up your portion in time."
But that only made Zelda begin to cry again. Shoulders shaking in a way that made Midna aware of just how little she had understood, Zelda shook her head. "No, that wasn't what I meant—although, oh, Nayru, I also have to apologise to her—but I was actually referring to how I failed to show up for dinner."
"Oh." Midna let out the word more as a breath than anything else. So Zelda had not failed to show up as some part of a plan to make her miss her, nor had she simply forgot about her. "Well, I barely noticed it at all. I mean," she hurried to add, already hearing how that must have sounded to Zelda, "I was wondering where you were, but, really, it was not something that made me annoyed or anything like that. Besides, even if it was, it would still have been perfectly understandable if you had chosen to stay here." even as she said it, Midna could hear that she did not really mean it. She wanted to feel nothing at the thought, wanted to assure Zelda that everything would be fine if she just left her alone again, but as she tried to picture sitting down to eat alone again, she found that it made her want to cry.
Seeing Zelda look up at her, an undecipherable twinkle in her eyes, however, made it all feel a little better, knowing that she might finally have said the right thing as Zelda tilted her head to the side. "You thought about me?"
"Obviously, seeing as I am here. You know, I would be a poor pirate if I was not aware of my surroundings and tried to look for patterns in the behaviour of those around me."
At that, Zelda looked back down, and although Midna waited for her to respond, waited for her to say anything at all, she remained quiet.
Deciding that it had apparently become her task to ask about the obvious thing, Midna cocked her head, giving Zelda's hand a little squeeze, trying to convince her that she could tell the truth. "Zelda, may I ask… what is wrong? Why were you crying when I entered the room?"
And for a moment, Midna thought she would get an answer, thought that the way Zelda looked at her, her eyes almost seeming to gauge her reaction to what she might say, was a sign that she was trying to find the right words. She truly believed that, despite everything that had happened between them, Zelda would actually be interested in sharing her thoughts with her. It was a ridiculous idea, but that did not keep herself from foolishly believing that it could be true, a fact that only made the sight of Zelda shaking her head hurt even more.
"I—" Zelda began, making a little sound, almost like the words caught in her throat, "I would prefer not to talk about it."
Midna tried her best to hide her disappointment, but even then, she could tell that it slipped through, into her voice, into her expression. "Oh. Well, all right then. I am sorry I asked." she waited for a moment, almost sure that Zelda would act like herself and end up talking after a few seconds of silence, but it seemed to not be the case, so, with a shrug, Midna tried her best not to let her feelings show. "Would you want me to leave you alone?"
"Yes."
It felt like her heart dropped, but Midna had been the one to suggest it, so she knew that she had no right to feel hurt by that. Instead, she hurried to stand up, letting go of Zelda's hand like it had burnt her. "Very well," she said, making sure that her tone carried an icy edge, "I will make sure to do that. If you want to talk to me or begin to eat dinner with me again, you know where to find me."
Zelda might have tried to say something to her, might have begun to reach out for her once more, but Midna did not hear it, only focusing on leaving the room as quickly as possible. She could feel the spirits reaching out towards her, and if Zelda believed that she could make Midna stay in there for another second than what was absolutely necessary, she would have to learn that that was not the case quickly. Besides, if Zelda was upset, that was not Midna's problem. Once Zelda might want to talk to someone about it, she had plenty of people to go to, Midna only had to recall the way Zelda had seemingly been able to charm Ilia within only a few hours, making her allow her to help her with Epona, to know that. She would be fine.
That was what Midna tried to convince herself of as she made her way back up to her cabin, but it did not keep her dinner from tasting like nothing at all, something she knew she could not blame on the blandness of the ingredients themselves.
If Midna had doubted that the conversation between herself, Zelda, Ilia, and Link had been able to pull Link back to them and away from the despair that had made him sit with the harnesses day after day, she would only have to look over at where he and Ilia were sitting.
They had been supposed to work on Epona, or at least that was what Ilia had told her when she had knocked on the door to her cabin, claiming that she would need someone to help her hold a heavy part of the engine. Even if Midna had not already been able to remind her of how she and Link would most likely only slow her down, she would still have been able to tell from the look Ilia sent the inside of the room, clearly noting the way the plates were stacked on the desk after Midna had not found the energy to take them back to the kitchen, that the real purpose of the order for her to sit down and hand Ilia the parts she would need was really to have a way to make sure that she would not make the same mistake as Link had and try to shut them out. And, given how Midna had not really been able to convince herself that what she was doing was really all that different when compared to Link's isolation, she had not been able to think of a good enough argument to make Ilia leave her alone, something that had now brought her here, sitting with a piece of a metal pipe and feeling incredibly stupid as Ilia and Link laughed along to something Ilia had said, both of them looking at the engine and drawings in front of them, Link managing to make it seem almost like he might have had any idea about what they were doing.
Maybe it was not all pretence. Maybe he did actually understand what Ilia meant when she gestured towards a part of the engine, saying a lot of words Midna was rationally able to connect with different parts of her ship, able to associate with the mechanics behind the rudder, but that still sounded like a lot of words without meaning to her. Midna supposed that she could not rule out that explanation, not with how it was becoming increasingly obvious that she was only there with them because Ilia had seemingly decided that, in Zelda's absence, the task of trying to make sure that they would not allow Midna to isolate herself when she felt sad belonged to her.
Almost like she wanted to prove her suspicions, Ilia laughed before leaning over to press a kiss to Link's lips, the two of them looking like they were the only ones there. With how Midna was staring directly ahead, a blank look in her eyes, that might also have been the case. At least that was what it felt like to her in that moment, an undeniable feeling of being out of place as Ilia and Link redirected their attention back towards the task at hand, still unable to not constantly giggle at something the other had said, leaving Midna to wonder if it would perhaps not have been better if she had simply told Ilia that she was not interested in helping her work on Epona. It felt like that was the case right then.
She did not get much of a chance to wallow in self-pity. Of course she didn't. If Ilia had decided to take it upon herself to try to include Midna, seemingly believing that it would be enough for all three of them to forget about the weeks of not truly talking with each other that had followed Rusl's death, Link had accepted the task of doing everything he could possibly have done to keep her from being sad. And as much as Midna would have loved to tell him that it was not necessary, that she was doing perfectly fine on her own and that he could just go back to spend time with Ilia, to enjoy life now that Zelda had seemingly been able to succeed where both Midna and Ilia had failed and convinced him to join them once more, to claim that she was doing great, that she was not finding herself looking back on the Shadow every other second, wondering if she should have done more to try to help Zelda, all of that would have been the same as lying. But still, admitting that was not the same as saying that she needed anyone's help or sympathy, for she really did not. She had been able to make it through several months on her own before finding Link, so although she could understand and relate to the need to make sure that the other was safe, she did not need his help.
But it would appear that Link did not understand that, for the very same day, just a few hours after she had finally thought of an excuse that would give her permission to leave Link and Ilia behind to instead head deeper into the base, wandering through the corridors as she tried to shake the feeling of wasting her time, the sense that she was not doing enough anymore by simply staying alive, he managed to find her just as she had stepped into the larder to count the number of crates, sacks, and boxes of food that were still left inside the room.
"Midna."
She heard him before she saw him, keeping her gaze fixed on the sacks of flour right in front of her, pretending that she had not already counted the amount of sacks present, the number being low enough for it to be a matter of only a few seconds used each time.
It would be better to turn around and acknowledge his presence, Midna knew that. She knew that ignoring him and delaying the inevitable would only serve to strengthen his belief that she was in need of his and Ilia's help, but she simply could not bring herself to care. What could happen? She had already sat with them and listened to how great Zelda's tactic of talking about those they had lost was. Even if Link was about to head directly into what they both knew was dangerous territory, it would be the exact same thing, or at least that was what she tried to tell herself, trying to convince her mind that it would not be so frightening if that was the case. The past could not harm her, not if she did not let it get the chance to do so.
Behind her, Midna could hear Link let out a sigh, clearly frustrated that she might be even worse than him when it came to handling emotions. "Midna, I was wondering… well, I was wondering if you were all right."
"Yes," Midna said, hoping that she had managed to at least hide the obvious lie somewhat, "why would I not be?" even the shrug was not enough to hide how that had not even come close to being the truth, Midna knew that the next moment, but she bit her lip, trying to keep herself from messing up even more. Why was she acting like this? She had no reason to be unhappy, nothing had changed over those last few days, and yet, the more time that passed, the more she found herself feeling sad about something she could not define but that her mind was whispering ideas about, something she did her best to ignore.
"I don't know." Link hesitated, and Midna could almost see how he was standing, attempting to dig the tip of his boot into the solid, stone floor beneath them. "I was just thinking that it looked a bit like you were bottling up your feelings."
Midna allowed for the words to echo in her mind. Bottling up her feelings. She supposed it might very well be what she was doing. After all, that was the easiest way to handle things that were difficult, and she was all about finding the easy, cowardly option every time, was she not? If it was something that hurt, something that was not just a broken bone or a scrape that would heal with time, something that made her want to sit down and cry for days, she shoved it into the chest, slammed the lid shut, and hoped that it would stay in there. The more she thought about it, the more Midna found that Link's description of how she was bottling up her feelings might be more correct than he had known. But telling him that would be the same as outright giving him permission to try to comfort her, to make her feel better, and no matter how many years she might have known him, no matter how good Link might otherwise be at knowing what to do, Midna knew that the art of trying to make her feel better about things she knew very well should have stopped hurting a long time ago was not one of his talents.
With a tiny chuckle she hoped sounded even a little sincere but feared was exactly as fake as it felt like it should be, Midna turned around and looked at him. "I suppose I might be."
Link nodded, almost like he had expected for her to say that, and in that moment, Midna could not help but wish that she could take back the words, that she could have denied everything, if that would be what it would have taken for her to not look at Link and know that he wanted to make her feel happy again, clearly recalling how Zelda had handled the similar situation of Link having decided to isolate himself.
But, of course, that was not possible, and, with a look in his eyes that told her that he was, despite their years of being friends, thinking back to his own conversation with all of them in Midna's cabin, reaching the conclusion that, since it had worked for him to talk with someone, the same would be the case for Midna, Link opened his mouth and spoke. "It is about Zelda, isn't it?"
Despite how she had done her very best to prepare herself for anything he might have said, for a moment, Midna found herself unable to do anything other than stare at him, all too aware of how she had yet to respond, how the silence was dragging on, growing more and more awkward with each passing second until she finally found the strength to force out a couple of words. "Excuse me?"
Seemingly taking her response as a sign he had been right, Link nodded towards her like her dumbfounded response was enough to prove his point. "Zelda. I couldn't help but notice how you did not really participate in the conversation about Epona at all, and with how Zelda wasn't there, well, Ilia and I were wondering if maybe that was the reason."
She should stay quiet. It was the only rational thing to do. Midna already knew that the moment she would open her mouth to let the annoyance that had filled her during those hours she had sat with the part for the steam engine and watched as both Ilia and Link seemed to think of anything but the ship be put into words, nothing she would possible be able to think of later would be enough to convince Link that she was doing fine. But, despite how she bit her lip and tried to push down the feeling, she already knew that it would not work, and so, after only a few seconds of fighting, she had to admit defeat and let out the answer that was already struggling to make itself heard. "And how do you know that?" Midna was aware of the edge in her voice, how she was being unnecessarily mean, but as Link simply sent her a confused look, almost like he truly had no idea about what she was referring to, Midna found that it was not enough to keep her from continuing, her voice growing a bit colder as the anger became warmer, the two forces coming together in her chest. "No, seriously, when did you notice any of this? Because from what I remember, both you and Ilia seemed a bit too preoccupied with staring into each other's eyes to pay attention to me and how I was feeling."
"Staring into each other's eyes," Link parroted, a crease appeared between his brows, "Midna, what do you mean that…" Midna had expected many things, for Link to become angry, for him to try to apologise, but what actually happened was not one of the scenarios she had thought of, not when Link smiled down at her, the corners of his mouth being pulled upwards into a smile that felt entirely inappropriate considering the situation, "Midna, what are you talking about? Ilia and I barely exchanged a word that was not related to the ship."
"Yeah, it is also a bit difficult to talk while you are kissing one another," Midna retorted. With how warm her cheeks felt, the sensation being almost like the one time she had had to evacuate the ship after they had lost control of the firebox, pure luck being all that kept the entirety of her past from being transformed into ashes as luck would have it that they had landed on water, allowing for them to use the water to put out the fire, she knew that she must be blushing. This was not what she had wanted to happen for this conversation. She had not even wanted to talk about what had happened or how she was doing, but if she had to, then the topic of Link and Ilia's relationship would definitely have to be one of the worst subjects for her to talk about.
But it would appear that Link did not agree with her on that, for he simply chuckled and reached out to lean against one of the shelves, almost like he thought that the conversation was hilarious and not mortifyingly awkward. "Wait, to you it felt like we were kissing all the time?" the expression on Midna's face must have been enough to answer the question, for Link did not give her the chance to respond, instead continuing. "Midna, we did not kiss at all, not even once."
"You did, I saw you! You were completely lost to the world, only seeing each other. I had to say Ilia's name multiple times to get her to realise that I was trying to hand her a part to the ship."
Link simply shook his head, the action making his hair come even closer to resembling a bird's nest. "Because she was busy trying to explain to me what she was doing. Really, Midna, I am sure you can ask anyone who passed through the hangar, and they would all tell you what I am saying right now—that Ilia and I were focusing on Epona and nothing else. I mean, why wouldn't we? That ship might become important to us someday if we ever find ourselves in a situation where we need a quick way to escape, so why would we not try our best to remain focused when we are trying to assemble what is perhaps the most important part of it, the engine? No, what I really think is interesting is why you were thinking that we were busy staring into each other's eyes. Because those thoughts have to have come from somewhere, don't they, Midna?"
She could feel the trap around her, how he was seconds away from saying something that would make her wish she could go back in time to change her answer. Midna supposed that the fact she could still not see just what the trap consisted of, only knowing that she was about to take a step forward to feel the rope tighten around her foot, pulling her upwards until she was dangling upside down from a tree just like how Rusl had once shoved her happened to a rabbit when they stepped into one of his traps, was really just yet another piece of evidence that Zelda was beginning to infect her with her sense of naïveté. But, seeing as there was no other way out, that she could look at Link and know for a fact that he was not about to give in and agree that it really did not matter all that much, she had no choice other than to step forward and hope that the pull of the trap would not be enough to injure her too much.
With a shrug that felt incredibly tense, Midna prepared herself for what Link might say next, making sure that the façade was ready, in place to hide any trace of emotion that might flicker across her face. "I suppose you might be right. But then what do you think it is?" Midna had meant for it to sound nonchalant, to prove to Link that, no matter what he might think, she could not have cared less about what answer he might try to convince her was the truth, but as she finished the sentence, stepping backwards, into the shelf, feeling how the corner of the crate pushed against her spine, she found that she could not claim not to care, not without lying at least. It was lucky for her that she was not above lying though, for she already had the words ready, waiting on the tip of her tongue, prepared to be used to try to make Link stop pretending to be Zelda, to stop trying to copy her tactic of how to make people talk.
And maybe Link had figured out that Midna was not impressed by his imitation of Zelda, for, instead of outright answering, he sent her a long look that Midna was not sure what to think of, the look in his eyes changing until it seemed almost saddened for a second. "I am not sure," he said, at last bringing an end to the uncomfortable silence that had rested between them, "but I hope that you might find out soon, because I don't like seeing you like this."
By all means, Midna should have been happy, ecstatic even, quick to seize the opportunity to say that he was right and then leave. But despite how her mind was yelling at her to do exactly that, there was something about the way Link had said the words, a layer of something she could not quite define hiding just below the surface, that made her hesitate, stepping closer to the subject she could already now tell would be dangerous rather than running away from it as she let her voice drop to a low whisper. "And just what do you mean by that?" she had wanted it to be the question that would make certain that Link would not ask such questions again, the thing that would remind him that she was doing just fine and that, if anything, any change in her behaviour should be blamed on the fact that Rusl had died, that he had no right to criticise her for it when he himself had disappeared for weeks, but she could hear that she was failing to make her voice sound cold enough, the words sounding more like an honest attempt at finding answers rather than a barely concealed hint for him to stop, to step back and give her space. "You said that you don't like seeing me like this, so I am sure that you must have noticed specific things about my behaviour that have made you say that."
"I—" Link closed his mouth, clearly regretting having ever said it in the first place, "I… forget it. I didn't mean anything by it."
Maybe that would have worked a few moments earlier. Maybe she would have accepted that explanation if he had tried it just a couple of minutes before. But by now, Midna was well aware of the fact that it was not the case, and despite how she knew that it was best this way, that she should be happy to just conclude that maybe it really was nothing and then leave the room, she could not leave now, not when she was so close to perhaps figuring out what those glances Ilia and Link had sent her way lately had meant. And so, although she knew that she was about to make a mistake, she continued, pressing on for an explanation. "No, go on. I do actually want to know what you are talking about."
It was clear that Link did not want to do that, however, the way he began to move his foot, almost like he was trying to use the tip of his boot to dig into the floor, making that absolutely clear to her, but Midna simply continued to stare at him, knowing that, sooner or later, he would have to give in to, if nothing else, keep the almost suffocating silence around them from growing and filling the entire room.
She was right, and only a couple of seconds later, Link let out a sigh. "I was just thinking that… well... goddesses, I don't know what to say." he shrugged. "Uh, not that we have been talking about you a lot, but Ilia and I just could not help but notice that you have seemed happier lately. A bit more energetic, sometimes enough to make you smile a tiny bit. We—we could not help but wonder about the cause for all of that."
Her stomach felt almost like when she dove into the air, letting the harness and line catch her, and Midna was glad she had thought to make sure that her face was a carefully constructed mask, able to hide all of it as she responded with a carefully rehearsed off-hand voice. "Oh. Well, with how much the two of you seem to have noticed lately, I am sure you already have a theory about what has caused all of this." Link's expression, the way his eyes widened for a split second before he was able to regain control of himself once more betrayed him, confirming the thought, and Midna continued, feeling how she was slowly beginning to regain control of the situation again. "Please, enlighten me. I would love to know the reason for why I seem happier lately. Maybe that way, I can make sure that I will never have to feel sad again."
"Uh, we haven't exactly been able to confirm anything," Link looked away, but as much as Midna wanted for that to be a lie, wanted to be able to look at him and know that he knew what was to blame for her supposed happiness, she could not spot any sings of him lying to her, so she stayed quiet, allowing him to continue, "but we were thinking that, back before Rusl disappeared, you acted a lot differently than you had done before."
"So I was happier before Rusl died?" Midna did not have to fake the confused look she knew was written across her face, did not have to make certain that her voice echoed the question. "Is that really all? Because if that is the case, then let me tell you that it is not exactly some great puzzle why that was the case—every single one within this base was happier before Rusl died."
"No," Link, shook his head before seemingly realising what he had just said and hurrying to add, "I mean, I am not arguing with that, of course not, but it just feels like it is about more than just Rusl. We did not just notice this after he was captured; you changed before that, became a little happier. But once Rusl died, all of that disappeared again."
"Yeah, because he died." Midna barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes, knowing that it would only give Link even more reasons to try to figure out why his imitation of the way Zelda was able to reach anyone was not working right now. "That is what happens when people lose someone they care about—they become sad and feel lost."
"Yes, I know that, and I am not trying to argue that that is not the case. But, Midna, would you say that you are in any way feeling better about the fact that Rusl is gone and that he will not come back to us again?"
It felt almost like hitting the deck of a ship, the harness not having been able to slow her fall enough, leaving her with a ringing noise in her ears as she tried to breathe, knowing that she only had a second to get back up before the captain of the ship would be aware of her presence and try to defend everything in the storeroom. Was Link really asking if she had stopped grieving Rusl? It seemed to be the case, but even then, Midna hesitated to believe her ears, kept herself from thinking that that was really the case. For, as much as the evidence seemed to point in that direction, she could not believe that Link, the person who had isolated himself for weeks, continuing to inspect the harnesses of the Shadow out of some kind of idea that he might be able to retroactively prevent Rusl from dying, prevent him from being captured and taken back to the capital, was standing here, asking her if she was still grieving.
"Of course I am not feeling better," Midna hissed, her vision becoming blurry as tears began to stream down her face, "of course I still think about him, of course I still miss him. How could you even ask….?" as she spoke, there was something about it all that felt wrong, and although she fought not to think of it, Midna could still recall the way she had looked at Rusl back when he had first admitted to trusting the princess who had sneaked her way onto the ship, what she had told him. Midna could only hope that Rusl, wherever he was now, would know that she had not meant it, that the only reason she would ever have told him that, should anything happen to him, she would not mourn him was that she had never, not even if her nightmares, imagined a world where he would not still be there with them. It was selfish, so incredibly selfish, to think like that, to hope that he might still be alive when she knew just what that would mean for him, all because she wanted to get a chance to tell him that she was sorry.
Link must have been able to read at least some of her emotions, Midna feeling how her façade slipped for a moment, for he was quick to step towards her, almost like he wanted to pull her into an embrace before stopping himself at the last moment to instead try to make it all right again, the words rushing towards her like the wind when she stood on the deck of the Shadow as he shook his head. "No, Midna, that wasn't what I meant. I know—everyone does, of course we do."
She hated the way he was able to make it sound like he was genuinely sorry for having made her cry. It would have been so much easier to just convince herself that all of this could be blamed on Link and a few poorly chosen words. That way, she would have been able to distance herself from everything that hurt. But, no matter how much she tried to do just that, fact was that she couldn't, instead all too aware of how she was crying, struggling to continue to breathe as she furiously attempted to wipe away the tears, knowing just how pathetic she must look, standing there in the larder, crying about how she had let her anger get the better of her, making her tell something to Rusl she knew he would have been able to tell that she did not mean, that she would never have thought like that.
Truly, Midna was able to rationally know that she did not have to wish for a chance to talk with Rusl to tell him that it had all just been the result of her not knowing how to handle to possibility of everyone leaving her again. She knew that, knew that if she really did get the chance, such a selfish thing should never be among what she might tell him, that making sure that he knew how they all knew that he had saved her, that he was a better person than she could ever hope to become, should be the first words to leave her mouth. And yet, as Midna finally succeeded in getting her emotions under control once more, making sure she had patted her cheeks dry before she looked over at Link again, she could still feel that tiny, biting sense of doubt.
But she pushed it away. It was easier to focus on the anger and hurt from that very moment, simpler and less likely to reach the point that really hurt.
"If you have anything you want to tell me, you can do so," Midna said, ignoring the little voice that told her that, truly, she might not want to listen to what thoughts had made Link not only decide to look for her, but also bring up the subject of Rusl, "I just want to know what you are talking about."
But from the way Link looked at her, raised brows and a hesitant look in his eyes, Midna already knew that he would not tell her anything. It was almost a relief to see him shrug, confirming what she already knew to be true, that she had ruined any chances of getting to know what he had thought when she had first shown him that she was not above lashing out at him.
"I just thought that you might be lonely. That was all."
Immediately, Midna knew that that was not the case. Even if it had not been for how she could still remember how nonchalant Link had acted when asking her the exact same question only a few months ago, the way he bit his lip, almost like he tried to bite back any other words, would have been enough to tell her that, really, he had meant to say something else entirely.
But if he wanted to pretend that they were not both aware of that fact, then Midna could do the same, and with a shrug and a rehearsed smile, she walked past him, only turning around for a moment to throw a couple of words over her shoulder, just enough to let him know that she was right, that she was not lonely, and that she was able to pay attention to her surroundings, confirming what she already knew: that she was right about how he and Ilia had been lost to the world earlier. "Maybe. But since we will be going to Hateno in a couple of days, I suppose that might fix most of it. If nothing else, it will get us more food and medicine, something we suffer from a lack of right now."
And how would Link have been able to argue with that? Midna did not have to go ask Uli exactly how much food each person was consuming each day to know that they would reach the end of the supply soon, nor did she have to look at where the lock told of how it had been necessary to lock the door to the larder at night lately to know that they were facing a problem of people being hungry enough to try to take more food. So she was able to leave without having to say another word to him. Any other day, she might have regarded that as a victory, but as she walked through the corridor, heading towards the hangar and her ship where she knew she could still find Zelda crying in her room, Midna could not help but listen to how his words about how she had changed echoed in her ears.
Making them leave her alone, dispelling the ideas that he had planted in her mind, was not simple, but at last, as she ran towards the Shadow, Midna thought she might have halfway succeeded.
The feelings that threatened to overwhelm her as she walked into her cabin, only to hear how Zelda was still sobbing in her cabin told her otherwise, but Midna ignored that. If she just pretended that everything was still the way it was supposed to be, then perhaps it would be that way in the end. Or so she hoped.