Chapter Four: A Knight's Dishonor

Merlin gazed at the two knights – at two of the best friends he'd ever had – with a sense of loss. They knew he had magic; even if he'd wanted to hide that fact, he couldn't have. There was no other way for someone from Camelot to still be around in 21st century Toronto, Canada. So he hadn't bothered. Blue eyes hardened. In fact, perhaps it was time he finally gave the knights of Camelot a little lesson on magic.

"Gaius had magic," he announced without preamble. "You can't say he didn't; even Uther knew he had magic. He just gave Gaius a pardon in exchange for promising to never use his magic again."

Leon gawped, but Percival straightened, surprise gleaming. Merlin blinked, then cocked his head to the side. Percival hadn't been born in Camelot; it was entirely possible that the big knight hadn't known Gaius' past. Moreover… The warlock's head cocked further to the side. Percival wasn't from Camelot. Was it possible…?

"Gaius knew about my magic, but he never turned me in," Merlin continued, keeping his focus on Leon. "He knew straightaway, by the way; when I first arrived in Camelot, I walked into the physician's quarters and surprised him. He fell through a railing, but I saved him. With magic."

"How?" Curiosity rang in Percival's voice. "Did you heal him?"

Merlin shook his head. "I didn't know any spells back then, Percival, and healing's never been my strong suit. Magic was…is…instinctive for me. I stopped time and moved Gaius' bed underneath him."

"You can stop time?" Leon blurted, raw terror flashing across his face.

"Only in short bursts," Merlin explained, trying not to get too testy with the knight. "I don't use it much." Narrowing his eyes, the warlock studied his friends, wishing he knew what they were thinking. "The way Gaius always explained it to me, he was the king's ally against dark magic. But he always had it, Leon, even after he swore to never use it again."

Leon shifted nervously. "Did he?" At Merlin's querying eyebrow arch, the knight elaborated. "Did he…use…his magic?"

Ah. Merlin inclined his head. "When Lancelot and I went after the Cup of Life, Gaius showed up and surprised Morgause. Threw her against a wall with magic and gave me an opening to empty the Cup with Excalibur."

"That destroyed the immortal army, didn't it?" Percival breathed, earning a brisk nod from the warlock. "But what about you?" the knight asked. "What did you do with your magic?"

Merlin fidgeted, abruptly uncomfortable. "Mostly? I saved Arthur's life; the prat wouldn't have lasted a week without me." Standing straighter, the warlock let his chin rise, determination and an odd sort of pride flaring within him. "I defeated Nimeuh every time she attacked Camelot in my first year there. Her afanc, the wraith she raised to kill Uther, the Questing Beast she sent after Arthur. After Arthur was bitten, I killed her."

He couldn't stop, had to make the knights understand. "I defeated the spirit of Cornelius Sigen when he possessed a man and tried to destroy the whole of Camelot. After my father died and I inherited his Dragonlord powers, I forced the Great Dragon to leave Camelot and never again harm innocents. When Morgana returned to Camelot, working with her sister Morgause to drive the king mad and raise an undead army to attack Camelot's defenders from behind, I stopped both attacks." He'd done it while injured, too, but he wasn't about to mention that part. "Every time Morgana and Morgause tried to kill Arthur, I stopped them. When Morgana tried to frame Gwen for sorcery and get her executed, I took her place."

Defiance blazed. "Every time I used my magic in Camelot, I used it to help people. To defend innocents against magic they couldn't hope to survive on their own."

"Did you know Lancelot had magic?" Leon demanded.

"I wish I had," Merlin replied honestly, old grief bowing his shoulders. "I might've handled the Isle of the Blessed differently. Maybe I could've stopped him from marching right into the Veil and sacrificing himself. But he knew about my magic."

"He did?" Percival questioned, but there was a dawning curiosity and wonder that hadn't been there before.

Merlin nodded. "I helped him slay the griffin that attacked Camelot," the warlock explained. "He, uh, he may have noticed when his lance lit up in blue flames."

"Lit up in blue flames?" Leon's jaw hung open and Percival started snickering.

"Not very subtle, are you?" the big knight teased.

The warlock flushed bright red, pointedly ignoring the sniggers from Team One as well as Spike and Lou's quiet speculation on how exactly he'd avoided detection for so long in Camelot.

Leon's gaze, though, went hard. "And Morgana? Did she know about your magic?"

Merlin shook his head. "Not until the end, Leon. Mordred told her."

"You told Mordred?" Percival asked, hurt sparking in the question.

Grimacing, Merlin shook his head again. "Mordred was a druid, Percival. He knew me on sight." Running a hand through his hair, the warlock explained, "I first met Mordred when he was still a boy. Leon might remember…he was the druid boy who escaped from Camelot's dungeons."

Leon's jaw dropped again. "You got him out!"

Yet again, the warlock shook his head. "I helped, but it was Arthur who got him out, Leon. The Great Dragon told me that Mordred was destined to kill Arthur, so I hesitated, but in the end, I blew apart a grate they needed to get through to escape the city."

Drawing in a deep breath, Merlin met Leon's eyes. "As for Morgana, she was born with her magic, just like me. When it manifested, she was terrified. Anyone would be; living right in the heart of Camelot, under Uther's nose. Gaius and I made it worse by not helping her, but ultimately, it was her choice to side with Morgause over her own family. It was her choice to attack Camelot again and again, it was her choice to keep striving after a throne that was never hers, and it was her choice to never give Arthur a chance to learn that magic isn't evil."

Scrubbing his hands through his hair, Merlin elaborated, "Every time I got close to telling Arthur about my magic, every time I thought maybe he was learning the truth, she would attack again and ruin everything. She even gave Agravaine a cursed pendent to put around Uther's neck, ensuring that my healing spell wouldn't heal him. Instead, it destroyed his heart." Tears slipped down Merlin's cheeks. "I was so close," he whispered. "I was so close to proving that magic isn't evil and she ruined it."

Leon stared at Merlin, unable to comprehend what he was hearing. Percival stepped forward, his own words tentative. "Merlin? You and Morgana? You were both born with magic?" The real question rang. How is that possible?

Merlin brushed his tears away. "Gaius once told me that warlocks and witches are born with magic while sorcerers have to study it and learn how to harness it. That's…not exactly right."

The curly-haired knight blinked, caught off guard. "It's not?"

"No," Merlin replied firmly. "Everyone capable of using magic is born with it, Leon. It's just that warlocks and witches have to learn how to control their magic because they have so much of it. If we don't learn how to control it, it becomes wild. Unpredictable. Morgana…before she studied magic, it was tied to her emotions. She'd get angry and it would lash out. But not even the best sorcerer could use magic unless they were born with it."

Realization was dawning and dread, too. "You mean…Uther was killing people for something they had no control over?"

The grief in Merlin's eyes was ancient. Ringing louder than any words could. "Yes, Leon, he was. Magic isn't something you can destroy. So long as any living being walks the Earth, so too will magic."

"Life itself is magic," one of the guardsmen whispered. "Ancient and more powerful than we've ever understood."

Despite the churning emotions, Leon steadied himself. Met Merlin's gaze with a glare. "You honestly expect me to believe all of that? You expect me to believe that people are born with magic, that magic isn't evil? Assuming you're telling the truth, you've been lying to all of us since you first came to Camelot. Why did you never tell us?" Why should we believe you?

Merlin flinched. "I wanted to, Leon. After Arthur stopped being so much of a prat, there were so many times I wanted to just throw it all to the wind and tell him. Stop hiding my very self from my best friends."

"So why didn't you?" Leon demanded again.

"At first, well, we didn't know each other. Then I didn't want to come between Arthur and his father." Merlin paused, as if he wasn't sure whether he wanted to keep going, then the onetime servant's shoulders slumped. "You don't know what it's like, Leon. To have a secret that could get you killed if the wrong person finds out. When I was little, I didn't understand. I couldn't. So Mother would build up the fire in our house and tell me about how the bloodcloaks would come and take us away if anyone found out about my magic. She…she told me the bloodcloaks and the Dragon king would burn us alive."

Leon jerked back in horror, but Merlin wasn't done.

"When Will found out about my magic, she was so angry. Terrified that I'd be found out. That's when she sent me to Camelot and Gaius. So I'd learn how to control my magic better and…"

"And what?" His own fear and anger rang.

Merlin cringed away from the knight. "So I'd see what the Dragon king did to people with magic. And I did. The day I got to Camelot, there was an execution in the square." The warlock shrank back, as if he couldn't turn Leon to paste with just a word. "I wanted to tell all of you, Leon, but I couldn't. I was afraid. Afraid of getting caught by Uther and his bloodcloaks."

The self-proclaimed most powerful sorcerer ever born was afraid of him. Had just called him and every one of his fellow knights 'bloodcloaks', with Uther as the 'Dragon king'. Leon held his stance, but it was with an effort. His friend was afraid of him. But… Merlin was right – what did he know of living with such a deadly secret? When had he ever had to hide anything from those he counted friends? What did he know of a life where you were taught from birth to hide 'your very self' from everyone around you?

"Did you ever tell anyone about your magic?" The question slipped free without thought.

Merlin considered, blue flicking back and forth as he thought. "Freya," he finally whispered. "But she died." His face crumpled and Leon knew he dared not ask more about her. "And Will died and Lancelot died and Gaius nearly died trying to keep Morgana from finding out who I was." Trembling, the secret warlock looked down. "They all died, Leon. Everyone who knew about my magic…"

He wanted to deny it. Wanted to laugh in Merlin's face and scorn every word he'd spoken as just lies. But this was Merlin. Merlin who followed his prince and then his King like an affectionate puppy. Merlin who'd breached the barrier between peasant and noble to befriend a royal. Merlin who'd made friends with commoner and noble alike, standing with Camelot through thick and thin. And while Leon had known Arthur was Merlin's best friend, he'd always liked the manservant, even before he'd really, truly gotten to know Merlin. Once he had… Merlin was his friend, just like the other knights, commoner or no.

And while Merlin had certainly lied in the past, he had never lied about the important things. Every time his King had dismissed Merlin's counsel, it had turned out badly. Which meant Camelot had turned against its own people. Men, women, children. All of them had been sent to die for nothing more than how they'd been born. All the enemies that had come against Camelot – had been of Uther's making. In attacking magic, he'd destroyed his family and his own kingdom. Not even Merlin's power had been enough to turn the tide in the end. Dear gods, Merlin had lost more than any of them.

As one of Uther's knights, Leon had been part of that barbarism. He'd murdered innocents, killed those who'd only fought in self-defense. Had violated his oaths more times than he could count. He'd sworn to defend Camelot and her people; instead, he'd helped destroy his beloved home. Helped to drive out anyone and everyone who might've come to Camelot's aid in the fight against real evil.

The noble began to shake as the truth crashed down on him. Merlin wasn't the monster, he was. How many children had grown up living in fear of him and his fellow 'bloodcloaks'? How many had he led to their deaths at the hands of the 'Dragon king'? How had Merlin been able to stand it, being so close to those who would murder him for nothing more than how he'd been born? Why? Why had Merlin fought to protect them when they so clearly didn't deserve it? Why…why would Merlin call them his best friends?

When Sir Leon's shoulders began to tremble, Greg knew the knight had hit his breaking point. Merlin and Percival's expressions turned alarmed, but the Sergeant waved them off, rounding the briefing table and grabbing the knight's shoulders. "Hey," he whispered. "You didn't know. You had no way to know."

The brunet jerked away as if burnt, but Greg refused to relent. "If you'd refused to follow Uther's orders, you would have been on the chopping block, too. It is not your fault that you didn't know – it's Uther's, for lying to you and everyone else in Camelot. He lied to you, to his own son, and he spent years hiding the truth. I wouldn't be surprised if he believed his own lies in the end."

"That doesn't excuse it," Sir Leon hissed. "What I've done…" The knight looked quite sick as the enormity of his own actions sank in.

"Did I blame you for the Lamia?" Merlin asked suddenly.

The knight froze.

"I didn't, Leon, because I knew it wasn't your fault. Well, this isn't either. You had no more control over Uther's orders than you had over the Lamia's enchantment."

"I should've known better."

"How?" Greg inquired, arching a pointed brow. "You were raised with stories of how evil magic is. Camelot was attacked, time and time again, by sorcerers who did little more than 'prove' Uther right. How were you supposed to know any differently?"

"Sergeant Parker's right, Leon," Merlin interjected. "Uther played with fire and got burned; it was easier to blame magic than to accept his own role in Queen Ygraine's death. And once those who knew the truth were dead or intimidated, there was nothing to counter his claims." The warlock shook his head, eyes bright with unshed tears. "Leon, I know you. You're no more evil than I am. I was proud to fight for Camelot, to fight for my home and my friends. Do you know what my biggest regret has always been?"

Blue met blue, Sir Leon's question clear.

"My biggest regret is that I couldn't save everyone," Merlin rasped. "Gods, I wanted to. I wanted to so badly, I nearly got Gwen killed."

The knight's eyes widened in shock. "You really did heal her father, didn't you?"

Merlin nodded. "But you can't save everyone, Leon. I couldn't even save my best friends."

Greg shifted back, out of the way, his instincts murmuring. Now was the time. The time that Merlin stood before his first friends – his best friends – with no more lies between them and accepted their judgment of his actions.

A smile crossed the negotiator's face as Sir Leon hesitated an instant longer, studying Merlin uncertainly, then he reached out and dragged the warlock in close, not hugging him, but so clearly accepting him that more was quite unnecessary. Sir Percival joined them, resting one hand on Merlin's shoulder.

For the first time since the death of Sir Lancelot, Merlin had two best friends who knew about his magic. And didn't care a jot.