Please, please, please review! I need to know what my audience is thinking and I love to hear what you guys like and do not like. Enjoy
On a side note: I have been debating on what I want to work on for a future project. A lot of people have expressed interest in a Brooke/Steve story (which I would consider) Does anyone else have any ideas? I was thinking of a Walking Dead fanfic concerning Daryl. Anybody like that idea!? I have created an email address strictly dedicated to answering any and all questions you have about the story...anything you ever wondered about or suggestions of your own. The yahoo email address ID is ecorleyfanfic
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EDEN POV
I could literally feel their eyes on me as I walked down the hallway towards my bedroom. I was concentrating hard on taking slow, evenly paced steps so not to alert them to the panic I was secretly feeling inside. I wanted nothing more than to run into my room, close the door, and let myself completely fall apart. I couldn't stand the look of worry I saw in each of their eyes and the guilt pouring out of Brooke was even worse. It was similar to something I was feeling deep inside myself...I pushed it back down and tried not to think about it. I had quickly cut her off when she tried to apologize. The logical part of my brain was still in control and it knew none of this was Brooke's fault, she couldn't have known what was going to happen. I couldn't deny deep down though, there was a small voice in my head screaming that she was partially to blame.
She's the one who asked you to stop for the wine. If it wasn't for her, you would have come straight home. You might just now have been finishing up the movie...safe in Bucky's arms. You would never have seen it...seen all the darkness this world has to offer.
I felt guilty the moment the thought crossed my mind. Brooke was my best friend. There was no way I could ever blame her for this and I knew it would hurt her deeply if she knew that for one second, one brief moment, I had held her responsible.
I stood next to Bucky, the three of them watching me warily as they waited for me to finally crack. It didn't happen. I had quickly excused myself stating that I wanted to shower. It wasn't a lie. I was covered in Sam's blood. Earlier, when the detective had been questioning me, I had glanced down in shock upon seeing how much blood coated my shirt. My hands were covered with blood and I had shuddered when I noticed it had dried and was caked under my nails. I had swallowed hard, shaking my head before placing my hands back at my side so I could listen to what Detective Burton was saying. I had tried to pay attention to him, but I was completely aware now of the stickiness under my blood soaked shirt and how it made the fabric cling to my skin. I had cautiously sniffed once and felt a sudden wave of nausea as I realized I could smell the blood. Going forward, I had breathed through my mouth to avoid another whiff of the metallic odor that covered me.
Oh God, Oh God! Deep breath Eden!
I finally reached my bedroom and stepped in, closing the door gently behind me and leaning my head against it before taking another deep breath. I could hear them quietly talking in the living room but I didn't bother trying to decipher what they were saying. I could imagine exactly what they were saying, all of it concerning their worry for me.
I walked into the bathroom and flipped on the switch, squinting at the sudden brightness. I kicked off my shoes and socks and glanced down at my shirt again, touching my hand to it and letting out a slight groan when I saw the tips of my fingers come away wet. I stepped up to the mirror but avoided looking into it, almost scared to see my reflection. I was terrified of what I would see...or maybe I was more terrified of what I wouldn't see there.
Something had happened to me tonight. The darkness that had been inside of me, that I had always managed to hide and keep tucked away, had finally manifested itself. I had done the only thing I knew to do...I had used it to my advantage to keep myself alive, to keep me with Bucky. It had always been there, growing stronger each time someone had made me angry or taken advantage of me. Sweet, happy Eden didn't harbor negative feelings...she simply let everything go. Tonight, all that energy, all that pent up frustration had finally come together and exploded out of me. It had saved me and helped me fight for my life but now it was just gone. For years, I had balanced those emotions very carefully, keeping everything in check. Now a huge portion of it was absent and I was left feeling completely out of sorts, reeling from the dizzying effect being off centered.
Maybe this is a good thing Eden. All those negative feelings are gone...all the darkness has left. This doesn't have to be a bad thing. Maybe you don't have to be scared.
I finally gathered up my courage and took a look at myself in the mirror. All previous thoughts rushed out of me as I took in my appearance. It was worse than I had originally thought. I had already seen the blood on my shirt, pants, and arms. What I hadn't known, what I hadn't realized the entire evening, was that I had unconsciously been smearing it across my face. Every time I had brushed my hair out of my face, I had left a streak of the redness across my cheeks. I raised my hand to wipe the blood away and abruptly stopped when I realized my hands were still covered in dried blood.
Stay calm Eden! Just take a deep breath!
I looked in the mirror and jerkily shook my head, willing myself to get my shit together. That's when I finally noticed my hair. I turned my head to the side and whimpered when I saw the blood tinged pieces of hair from where I had tucked it behind my ear nervously all night. I finally started to feel the pieces of me breaking and I watched the single tear slide down my cheek. As it slid down, it washed away the blood in its trail and left a streak of pale flesh peeking through. I choked back a sob and clenched my fist tightly as I stared at myself.
I spun on my heels and stalked over to the shower, turning the hot water on as high it would go. I backed up and took one more glance at myself in the mirror before reaching down and peeling my shirt from my body. I held it between my thumb and pointer finger, grimacing as I smelled the blood again. I flung it on the floor and stepped away from it quickly, hating how the red soaked fabric contrasted so harshly with the white tiled floor.
I let out another pitiful whimper when I looked down at my stomach and saw the blood still slick on my skin. I swallowed hard and shakily reached for the button of my jeans, unzipping them quickly and slipping out of them before flinging them on top of the shirt. The knees of them were stained red and I looked down to see my legs were smeared with blood as well. I shook my head as I felt more tears slide down my face. My hand naturally went to my cheek to wipe it away and right after I did, I remembered the blood on my hands. I stumbled back into the counter gagging and tried to keep myself from being sick all over the floor. I didn't want Bucky to have to clean up the mess; in fact, I didn't want Bucky to find me in this state at all. I wasn't going to burden him with my emotional shit, he had his own to deal with already.
I took a deep breath and reached behind my back to unsnap my bra and then slip out of my panties, throwing both into the pile on the floor. I walked over to the shower and stepped inside, gasping when I felt the scalding, hot water hit my skin. I gritted my teeth and forced myself to stand under the burning stream, wanting to wash away every evil thing from my body. I wet my hair and then let the water run over my face and down my body. I held my hands up and watched as the red sloshed away and slid to the bottom of the shower. I washed my hair thoroughly with shaking hands, relieved to see the blood was now gone from under my nails. I reached for my bath poof and squirted some body wash on it before I proceeded to scrub the rest of my body clean, rubbing much harder than was necessary. The water was tinged red and swirling around as it slid down the drain. The image disturbed me greatly and I felt another piece of myself break apart. Memories of the horrible events from tonight started flashing in my head.
The barrel of the shotgun as it was pointed down at me.
The stench of blood mixed with wine.
My blood soaked scarf over Sam's stomach wound.
Bucky shouting my name in panic.
No, No, No!
It was finally too much. I leaned against the shower wall and slid down slowly until I reached the floor. I pulled my knees up into my chest and let the water fall down on me as I shook. I tried to let myself cry but I couldn't. The tears just wouldn't come, even as I sat there willing them to. The only thing I could think of was the blood, so much of it everywhere. I could still hear the panicked screams from that woman. I could hear the robber yelling at me. I could hear the shots and then the click of the empty gun. Then, in the mix of the chaotic noise in my head, I heard Bucky scream my name and I finally broke. It echoed in my head and shakily I placed my hands over my ears, begging it all to just go away.
"Please stop" I whispered to myself.
It didn't go away. Even with hands covering my ears, I could still hear them in my head. I lowered my face to my knees and shook, reliving the entire night over and over again in my head.
The water eventually went from hot to cold but not even that could make the memories go away. I sat there as the freezing water beat down on me, shivering violently with my eyes closed. I didn't even hear Bucky come in the bathroom, didn't even realize the door to the shower was opened until I felt the water suddenly stop and Bucky lift me up. The noise in my head only went away when I felt his hands on my face as he made me look at him. It was like magic. A single touch from him had made it all quickly fade away. No more screams. No more gun shots. It was utterly silent again. I looked up at him, this man who I loved so completely, my savior. I had told Bucky many times that he was my knight in shining armor and this was just more proof that it was the truth. He was looking at me with worry in his eyes and I suddenly felt a huge sense of guilt. I never wanted to see him this way, especially if it was me causing it.
"I'm okay" I said quietly, trying to reassure him. I felt a sudden need to comfort him but my body still wasn't allowing me to snap out of it...the pieces of me were still broken and in desperate need of fixing.
He shook his head at me sadly, "No baby, no you aren't. Come on, I need you to talk to me. Tell me what to do...tell me what I can do"
He didn't realize that he was doing exactly what I needed him to do. I just needed him close to me...I just needed him to touch me. There was nothing he had to say...nothing he had to do...just be with me, that was all...it was enough.
"Nothing" I said.
Just touch me Bucky...please!
It was as if Bucky heard my thoughts because he suddenly reached out and ran his fingers down my cheek. I leaned into his warm hand, relishing the simple touch he had to offer that seemed to make everything better.
I figured Steve and Brooke had left and I was glad for it. Honestly, I only wanted to be with Bucky right now...just me and him. He helped me into the bedroom and I couldn't help but watch him out of the corner of my eyes. I saw his forehead scrunched up in thought and I suddenly wondered what he was thinking.
He's worried about you Eden. This man loves you!
And I love him!
We reached the bed and I reluctantly stepped away from Bucky to find some night clothes in my dresser. I could feel his eyes on me as I dressed...there was nothing sexual about it...he was just simply watching me with worry in his eyes. I hated to see that look coming from him. Bucky had already been through 70 years of hell...I didn't want him slipping back into a dark place, not because of me. I took a seat next to him on the bed and reached for his hand, slipping my fingers through his and savoring the peace that washed over me. I was staring at our hands, loving how perfectly they seemed to fit together, when I heard him sigh deeply. Without pulling his hand from mine, he slipped onto his knees in front of me and used his free hand to raise my face to his.
"We're going to have to talk about what happened..."
No, please!
I opened my mouth to protest but he shook his head and squeezed my hand lightly, "...it doesn't have to be tonight Eden but we WILL talk about it...You need to talk about it. Ok?"
I don't need to talk about it Bucky. I only need you, just you!
Seeing that look in his eyes, that pain etched in his face because of me, made me nod my head. He looked as tired as I felt and at that moment I would have agreed to anything to keep him near me. I knew I needed to talk about it and honestly Bucky was probably the best person to do it with. He had been through worse things than what I had experienced tonight, he would help me heal.
I nodded my head, "Ok...later, I promise" I could tell by the look on my face that my answer seemed to satisfy him and I continued, "Can we just go to bed now? Please"
He gave me a small smile and nodded before rising up to his feet and leaving the room. I knew he was locking up the apartment so I turned off all the lights except his lamp and then crawled under the covers. I was exhausted but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until Bucky was lying beside me and I was in his arms. I turned towards his side of the bed and waited for him. I heard him reenter the bedroom and step into the bathroom to wash up. I laid there thinking about him, wondering how in the world I had gotten so lucky to find someone so perfect for me. It was a miracle Bucky and I were even together now...only fate allowed us a chance meeting. 70 years couldn't keep us separated. HYDRA couldn't keep us separated. Milton Kaine couldn't keep us separated. An entire lifetime was supposed to have divided us, but here we were, together.
I watched as he appeared on his side of the bed and lifted the covers to slip in beside me. I waited for him to lift his arm and when he did I quickly scooted over and laid my head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around me tightly and I closed my eyes, relaxing for the first time since everything had happened. I felt him shift his body to turn off the lamp and we were suddenly laying there in the darkness. My hand went to his chest and I drew my fingers across the hardened muscles, touching him to make sure that this was all real and not some dream.
I felt myself growing more and more tired as I laid there in his arms. His warmth, his comforting presence, was slowly lulling me into a peaceful slumber. I was trying not to think of all the bad things that had happened tonight and being with Bucky was helping. I could already feel my eyelids growing heavy.
"Eden?" Bucky said quietly, stirring me awake again.
I looked up at him sleepily, "Yes?"
"I love you"
I could help but smile at hearing those three words from his mouth. I closed my eyes and tilted my face up to brush my lips over his softly. I pulled away and gazed at him, laying there with his eyes still closed, lips still slightly parted.
"Bucky?" I whispered softly.
He finally opened his eyes and looked down at me.
"I love you too" I said softly before laying my head back down on his chest and snuggling up to him.
Everything is going to be okay Eden. You can forget. You can learn to let it go.
I was sleeping comfortably with Bucky for a while before the nightmare hit. It was so realistic, so familiar, that I almost wasn't sure it was an actual nightmare but more just memories from the night before.
The gunshot was still echoing in my ears when I woke up, covered in sweat and shaking. I was sitting up in bed, my chest heaving up and down as I tried to catch my breath. I looked down where Bucky laid, still sound asleep. He must have really been exhausted to sleep through me having a nightmare in the bed right next to him. I swallowed hard and glanced over at the clock on the nightstand beside me.
6:30 am
It was dark outside but I knew I would never be able to get back to sleep. I slipped out of bed quietly and tiptoed into the living room. I sat in the chair by the window staring out into the early morning as I went over the events of my nightmare. The blood...the screams...the gun shot. It was still fresh on my mind and this time Bucky wasn't there to touch me, to take away the painful memories. I should have gotten up right then and made my way back into the bedroom, back into Bucky's arms. But I didn't...I knew I needed to cry it all out and get it out of my system.
I was still sitting in that chair looking out the window when the final piece of me broke. The hot tears started to fall down my face, one after another until my vision was completely blurred with them. The lump in my throat was choking me and I finally let it all out. Minutes passed and I was still crying uncontrollably. I finally stood up from the chair, wiping my face, as I continued to fall apart. I walked to the window and slammed my fists on the wooden sill as hard as I could. The ache in my hands did nothing to numb the pain. I must have gotten too loud because I suddenly heard Bucky's calling my name. I didn't look his way; I only slammed my fist down harder on the window sill, crying out from not only the physical pain but the raw emotions I was feeling as well.
"Eden, what are you doing? Stop!" he shouted from across the room. I could hear him running from the end of the hallway and through the living room to me. I was still sobbing loudly and I griped the wood frame tightly as I leaned against it. I was just about to slam my fist down one more time when his hands shot out and grabbed my wrists. He spun me around to face him and through my tears I saw the fear in his eyes, the confusion.
I fought against him and tried to yank from his grasp. I didn't deserve his comfort right now. I didn't deserve to feel any peace. It was that instant that I realized what emotion was causing me to break...it was guilt that was tearing me apart. I felt guilty because I had allowed this to happen. I could have stopped it all. I could have ended it before it even started. I could have prevented Phil and Sam from getting shot. If either of them died, it was all entirely on me.
"Eden, stop it! You're hurting yourself. Dammit woman, STOP!" he shouted, shaking me lightly.
I looked up at him through the tears, "It's all my fault" I babbled, "All my fault Bucky. I should have stopped it. They might die and it's all my fault."
He looked at me and shock and released my wrists, letting me fall into his chest before he wrapped his arms tightly around him, rubbing my back gently with his hands in small circles.
"Baby, he had a gun" he said softly.
I shook my head against his bare chest, "I could have fought him. I could have..."
I was yanked away from Bucky's chest and he glared down at me, "No, he could have killed you! Do you understand that? You could have fought him but he still might have killed you. He almost did!"
I shook my head and blinked back more tears, "It might have ended with me...given them a chance..."
Bucky growled angrily and shook me again, "Stop it! You want to know what else would have ended with you? Me! I need you Eden! I need you alive!"
I wiped the tears from my eyes and took a few deep breaths as I tried to calm myself down. Bucky let me go and turned around quickly to face the opposite direction. I saw him run his fingers through his hair and take a deep, shaky breath before turning back around.
The next words out of his mouth were exactly what I needed to hear, "Eden, not a single thing that happened last night was your fault"
I closed my eyes and felt a stray tear slip down my cheeks. My shaking legs finally gave out and I started to slump to the floor. Bucky caught me in his arms and eased me down, pulling me into his lap as he leaned against the wall beneath the window. He kept kissing my forehead gently as he rubbed his hands up and down my bare skin.
"You're alive Eden...that's all that matters" he said. I didn't say anything for several moments and he finally nudged me, "Look at me" he asked.
I tilted my head up to stare into his perfect blue eyes. He was so handsome, my Bucky.
"I love you"
I leaned forward and kissed him, softly at first and then more urgently. He seemed surprised initially and I felt him hesitate to kiss me back. I ran my hands down the front of his chest to signal to him that this is what I wanted, that this is what I needed. I loved Bucky and at that moment, I needed to show him how I felt.
His hands went to my back and he slipped them under my shirt. I pulled away from him and raised my arms above my head so he could lift it from my body. He leaned back in and kissed me again passionately. Hands were fumbling and before I knew it, my panties and Bucky's boxers were in a small pile beside us. Bucky entered me slowly, looking into my eyes with so much love as he whispered my name. I ran my fingers down his face as he began to move inside of me. This wasn't about sex. This wasn't about need. This was only about the love that he and I shared...a need for closeness after almost losing each other. We made love right there on that wooden floor as the sun rose and the light began shinning in through the window.