Chapter 8: Rough Seas Ahead

Hello everyone. Thank you for coming back for another chapter, and for all of your lovely reviews. I hope you like this one... it's a little bit different to past couple of chapters!

It had been about a month since Clary and Jace had gotten back to their life L.A. after their honeymoon. Jace had to get straight back to work, and Clary had started seriously writing and recording for her new album. Despite their busy schedules, they made sure that they ate breakfast and dinner together everyday, and Clary would go visit Jace on set every few days.

Clary was currently sitting in the head of productions' office in the main building of her new recording studio. She was joined by the head sound engineer who she'd been working with, and the head of the studio. Clary had her head buried in her hands, and occasionally ran her fingers through her hair in annoyance as they all listened to the latest song she had recorded.

When the song finished, she looked up at the three faces staring back at her. They didn't necessarily look unhappy, but it wasn't the look she'd hoped for, or the look she was used to.

"I'm sorry," Clary says to them, running her fingers through her hair one final time before standing up, not being able to handle having to stay still any longer.

"Why are you sorry - it's a good song," Charlotte, the head of the studio, says.

"The production of the song is great," Clary admits, "but the song itself isn't. It's the same as everything I've produced before. Everything I've managed to write sounds the same as everything I've ever written!"

"Is that really a bad thing?" Charlotte asks. "I mean, you've been highly successful up until now. Does everything have to change?"

"If I'm not changing the music at all then why break up the band? Why bother going solo?" Clary snaps back at Charlotte, immediately followed by "I'm sorry. I'm just… frustrated with myself."

"I know," Charlotte says softly. "And it's okay. This is all new for you. A new environment, with new people… it's going to take some getting used to."

"I know," Clary says quickly, clearly not accepting that. "It's just… this whole process - writing and recording. It used to be so procedure. Easy. I don't know what's happened."

"Well maybe," Henry, Charlotte's wife and head engineer at the label, says, "that's the problem. Everything has been procedure for so long that you have some formula down pat for writing a hit and doing it quickly. Maybe we need to break procedure. Throw you into the world and see what you come back with."

"Maybe…" Clary says, unsure.

"When's the last time you remember being completely on your own. And not just for an hour or two here or there. For a prolonged period of time. Where you could just focus on you?" Henry asks.

It takes Clary a while to think. It was when she ran away from everything, well over a year ago now. When she fled to New York to deal with the release of the news of her parents. And even then a good majority of that time had been taken up with finding, and then dealing with Jon. "Just over a year ago," is all Clary answers.

"Okay, and before that?" he asks again.

Clary racks her brain but can't think of another time. Maybe it didn't have to be a time she was alone… maybe just a time when people weren't relying on her. That would've been… just before her dad died, when she was thirteen.

Taking her prolonged silence as a sign, Henry says, "See! You need to go out into the world and discover who Clary Herondale really is."

"Clary," Charlotte says, taking over from her husband, "I believe there are two people inside of all of us. The person you show to everyone else; the happy smile you put on so other people don't worry. Hiding away the secrets to present a polished image of ourselves. And then there's the person that you can be when it's only you." She pauses for a moment to let Clary think this all over. "You have to be alone to find that person."

Clary does think this all over, and it all makes sense to her, except, "what does any of this have to do with my music?"

"I think music is a great place to let those two people cross over. To be vulnerable. To tell your truth," Charlotte says.

"So what are you suggesting?" Clary asks, looking at the other people in the room. No one had ever given her writing advice like this before and it was throwing her. Usually it was something along the lines of locking yourself in a room until you could write a song.

"We're saying to take a break. Get out of L.A. Go travel. Be by yourself for a while and find that person whose been buried deep within you for so long. Write about what you find. And then, once you're ready, you can come back and we can give this all another go."

"You mean I can… take time. Don't I have a deadline?" Clary asks, clearly confused with the level of freedom she was being given.

"It's more important that you're writing music you're happy with. And if that means taking some time to find yourself then, so be it. While you're with Institute Records, we want you to be real and open and raw. And that's hard; we get it. So we're going to help you in any way that we can."

"Right," Clary says, in a bit of a daze. "Well that sounds good. I guess I'll go travel for a bit… find myself and all that." She picks up her bag that was sitting next to the chair she occupied at the beginning of the meeting and heads out the door.

"Take as long as you need Clary. We'll be here when you get back," Charlotte says.

"Okay," Clary says, still amazed. Is this what it could have been like all those years in the band? "Thank you both so much."

They nod at her, and Clary goes out of the building and down to her car. She drives home, and walks into the house, the whole time thinking about what this meant and what she was supposed to do.

"Hey babe," Jace says. Hearing his voice seems to snap her back into reality. What was she meant to do about Jace? Could she really leave him? "How was your day?"

"Ummm," Clary says, feeling overwhelmed, "it was… it was good. How was yours?"

"Yeah it was alright," Jace says quickly. "Clary, what's wrong?"

She finally looks up at him. His brow is furrowed and he's beant down a bit to get closer to her eye level. "Nothing," she says, trying to smile at him. "I'm fine."

"No, I know you. What's up?" Jace says, not taking his eyes off his wife.

"Just a weird day," Clary says, trying to busy herself by making a cup of coffee.

"Weird how?" Jace asks from across the kitchen bench.

"Umm… I'm not really happy with the music I'm making at the moment," Clary says, watching the coffee slowly drip into the mug.

"Well you're just getting back into it," Jace says, making his way around the bench. "I'm sure you'll figure out a way to fix it."

"That's the thing," Clary says, not taking her eyes of the mug in front of her. She had no idea of knowing how Jace was going to react to what she was about to say. "They told me how they think I can fix it."

"Okay, so just do that and you'll be good to go," Jace says as if the answer is obvious.

"It's not that easy," Clary says, holding her hands around the mug, feeling comfort in the burn.

"How so?" he asks, making his way in front of her.

"They think I need to travel. To go experience new things," Clary says, with tears starting to form in her eyes from the burning sensation in her palms, but she doesn't put the mug down.

"Right..." Jace says, but he doesn't sound nearly as concerned as Clary thought he would. She finally looks up at him, and sees that he's smiling back at her. "I mean I don't finish filming for a few weeks, so you can just wait for that. Or if you really want to go now, I can fly out and meet you every-now-and-then, and then just join you when I finish.

Her eyes slowly shut and she hangs her head. He doesn't understand.

"Ummm," she says, not sure how to actually say it.

"What is it?" Jace asks, slight concern now evident in his voice. He gently rests his hand on her shoulder.

"They think… I should go alone." Her hands have become numb by this point, and the tears were beginning to fall for a different reason.

"And you want to?" Jace asks. She could feel the tension in his hand, and hear it in his voice.

She slightly nods her head, but it's enough for Jace. He quickly takes his hand off her shoulder, folding his arms.

"Look at me Clary," he says, not gently. She slowly looks up at him, and can see the pain all over his face. "How long would you be gone for?"

"I don't know," Clary says, her voice coming out weak and shaky. "For as long as I need I guess."

"And when would you leave?" he asks, equally as harshly.

"I'm not sure," Clary says weakly. She clears her throat before continuing, "as soon as possible. Tomorrow, if I could get a flight."

"Clary, we just got fucking married! This is not what married couples do. They should want to spend all their time together. To adjust to their new life. I turned down roles all over the world so I could be here with you."

Clary takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself. "I told you you could go anywhere."

"Yeah but I chose to stay in L.A. In our new house, to spend time together as newlyweds. That's what I thought we both wanted," Jace says, starting to walk away from her.

"I didn't know I wanted this until they told me," Clary says, desperately trying to make him understand. "Jace, I need this."

"Why, what's not good enough for you here?" Jace asks, pain showing all over his face.

"It's nothing to do with you Jace," Clary says, desperately wanting to rush over to him and hug him, kiss him - make him feel better. But she knows she's the one doing the damage, and so it wouldn't be fair to go over to him now. "I need to write music, and find a band. Experience and see new things."

"Why can't you do that with me?" Jace says, starting to calm down. He thinks she's going to change her mind, but Clary was sure about this. "I get it, sometimes everything can feel so confining, and it feels great to go out into the big world to see how much there is outside of your own life. But we can do that together Clary."

"Jace I need to do this alone. It's about more than just the music," Clary says.

"Then what else is it about, Clary?" Jace asks desperately. "Help me understand this."

Clary thinks about how she could word it, how to explain everything that was going on inside her head right now, but can't think of any way. Instead, she says, "I don't know how to explain it, but you need to trust me. This has nothing to do with you."

"Does it have anything to do with our relationship?" Jace asks, clenching his jaw.

Clary just looks back at him, knowing he's not going to like the answer.

"Am I still going to have a wife when you come home?" He asks, getting angry again.

"Of course you will Jace - I love you. And nothing I see out there convinces me otherwise. But I need to sort some things out, and I need to do it alone."

"So this is it - I don't get a say at all. You're just going to leave?" Jace asks roughly.

"I need this, Jace," Clary says, her voice coming out a little stronger. There was more behind it - this sudden need to leave. She'd been convinced out of these sorts of thoughts before, and she wasn't going to let it happen again. She had to get away for a little while, even if it meant hurting him.

"Whatever," Jace says, turning away from his wife and storming towards the spare bedroom. She flinches as she hears the door slam, and some of the coffee spills out of the mug and onto the floor.

"Fuck," Clary whispers, breathing heavily to try to stop any tears from falling. She finally puts down the mug, and stares down at her scalding red, shaking hands.

So... what do you guys think. Do you think Jace has a right to be angry? What do you think Clary's other reasons for leaving are? Let me know! Hope you all have a lovely week :)