Chapter 13: It's Not The Same Anymore
Hello everyone and welcome back to a new chapter! I hope everyone's keeping safe, and I hope this update can lift your spirits a little bit :) Enjoy!
The taxi drops Clary out the front of her house, and it takes her a little while to gain the confidence to go inside. Sure, Jace had said he missed her, and Simon seemed to second that idea, but there was no knowing how Jace would react. He was a passionate person; part of what Clary loved most about him, but it meant he could be unpredictable.
Clary takes one final deep breath before quickly putting the code in for the front door and going inside before she loses her nerve. She softly places her bag on the ground next to the front door and quietly heads deeper into the house. She hadn't told Jace that she was coming home now, so she didn't even know if he'd be home.
Clary finds him sitting on the kitchen island with headphones in, facing the ocean. Because of his position, he didn't know Clary was in the house yet. She studied him for a moment; the slight tension in his shoulders that definitely wasn't there when she left. She noticed his hunched over back, and quickly thought of his normal, perfect posture. His hair was longer than normal - it hung half way down his neck, as if he just couldn't be bothered to get it cut.
"Jace," she says, but he doesn't hear her. She can hear the slight hum of music coming out of his head phones. She doesn't recognise the song, but knows he must be listening at near full volume. She moves towards him, and he must finally see her reflection in one of the doors, because he quickly pulls his headphones off his head and faces her.
He doesn't make a move towards her, and swallows, either not knowing what to say, or waiting for her to speak first.
She smiles, not knowing what to say, but eventually chokes out, "hi Jace."
"Hi," he responds, not coldly but not with the usual warmth he had towards her. He looked confused. Clary could appreciate why - she'd been gone for a while and just suddenly showed up, but she had said she would come home soon, and she tells Jace as much.
"Sorry if I gave you a fright - I wasn't sure if you'd be home," she tells him.
"Well I am," he replies, quickly looking her up and down, as if trying to calculate if the person standing in front of him is the same person who left a number of months ago.
"I did tell you I was coming soon," Clary says, slowly taking another step towards him.
"Sorry for not believing you. Or maybe I thought your definition of soon was different to mine," he says, taking a step back. Clary tries not to show how much the one step hurt her - he had every right to react to her like this, but it still hurt.
"I mean, I thought you may have seen some photos of me in New York or something. I guess I was wrong…" Clary says, not knowing what else to say.
"No. I saw the photos. I just thought you'd stay there for longer," Jace says, who had suddenly become very interested in his finger nail.
It was odd - the couple who'd once been so close; who could figure out each others feeling with one look, so tell how stressed the other was by the potion of their shoulders, who seemed to react when the other moved, where now like strangers.
They didn't know what to say, or feel towards the other. Jace knew he was angry at Clary, but didn't really know what for anymore. And as much as he was trying to stop it, it was affecting the way he was acting towards her.
And Clary didn't know how to respond to that. She'd been around angry and gloomy Jace before, but she'd never been the cause. She knew a Jace who wanted to distance himself from everyone and everything, but she usually knew exactly what to say to be able to get a little closer. Now it felt there was nothing she could say or do to poke a whole in the wall he'd clearly been building in the months that she was gone.
And it didn't help that Clary now felt different about Jace. She'd realised things while she'd been away that changed her perspective on their relationship, and it felt odd being the only one in the pair that knew the new information.
"I was going to make a chicken salad for dinner - do you want some, or did you eat on the plane? '' Jace asks, walking over to the fridge and taking out ingredients.
"I would love some, thank you. I might just take a shower before dinner if that's okay - wash off all the travelling," Clary answers.
"Be my guest," Jace says, beginning to cut the chicken into smaller pieces.
Clary heads back to the entrance to pick up her bag before going to their bedroom to shower. Their room was as neat as ever, so at least that hadn't changed.
She quickly showers and puts on Jace's t-shirt that she'd been travelling with and some pyjama bottoms. When she gets back to the kitchen and sit at one of the bar chairs at the kitchen island, Jace does a double take - clearly noticing that she's wearing his shirt, but doesn't comment on it. Instead, he slides a bowl over to her, and picks up his own bowl. He has a mouthful before deciding to sit next to Clary.
"This is really good, thanks," Clary says, smiling at her husband. He nods in response, and they continue eating in silence. Clary didn't think coming home would be this weird; she expected some big argument, or for Jace to be relieved and pick her up and kiss her. Not this awkward vibe where neither felt comfortable saying what they wanted, but felt obliged to spend time with the other person.
Just before Clary finishes her dinner, she asks, "how's everything going with the movie? It's got to be close to wrap now?"
"Yeah, we have the last day tomorrow actually. You should come along to set. People have been asking after you," he says, not looking at her.
"Yeah that would be good," she says, taking the final bite of her salad. She waits for Jace to finish, and then takes both bowls over to the sink to wash up. She would usually just put them in the dishwasher, but she felt like she needed to be doing something, and this was all she could think of.
Jace comes and stands next to her, picking up a tea towel and taking the bowl after Clary has finished washing it.
"So did you figure it out? The reason you so desperately had to leave?" Jace asks, unable to keep the bitterness out of his tone.
"I did actually," Clary says, and Jace looks down at her in surprise. He was expecting some off hand comment about his attitude. "But sure how to tell you. I don't want to make you any more angry."
"Just tell me," Jace says, obviously not knowing how the news is going to affect his mood, but knowing that there is nothing else he wants to hear right now.
Clary starts scrubbing the already clean bowl harder, and so Jace takes it from her and put it on the drying rack, and leads her over to the couch.
"Clary, you have to tell me. It's only fair," Jace almost pleads.
Clary looks down at her hands before looking back up at Jace. He was right - he deserved to know. "I realised," Clary says, "that I was afraid of you leaving."
Jace looks like he's about to argue with her, so she quickly keeps talking, "and I know that you wouldn't leave optionally. You don't always get a choice in the matter. I know that, more than most. And because of that, I had to make sure I could survive without you."
Jace gives her a look that she takes as him not really understanding what she's saying. Despite the conversation and the heavy mood, Clary couldn't help but smile at their silent communication.
"My dad leaving wasn't his choice, but it was still incredibly hard to handle. I don't think my mom leaving was her choice either, but it felt like a piece of me died with her. And when my brother left, I didn't really feel human anymore. I just felt like some shell of a person - a public figure who struggled to feel anything personal. And so losing you - I thought it might actually kill me. You are my everything, and the thought of having to live without you… it seemed impossible, unbearable. So I had to prove to myself that I could survive without you."
Jace softly grabs her hand - the first time he'd touched her since her return. And she knew that in some twisted way that he completely understood what she was saying.
"And I did - I now know that even if I'd be miserable, and life seems to lack purpose, I can survive without you," Clary says, squeezing his hand.
"Clary, I'll fight to my last breath to be with you," Jace says, not breaking eye contact.
"I know," Clary says, and she did. She knew that he'd never voluntarily leave her. She knew that he would love her forever.
"And I know there is nothing I can say to prove to you that I'm going to stick around for a long, long time. But I understand now. And I can stop being angry at you for leaving. Clary, I love you so much. I need you to know that. I need you to know that these months apart have been some of the hardest of my life, and that I'm so glad you're back, but I'll understand if you need to be by yourself for a little while again. I know you've got a history that I can never be a part of, and that I can only try to understand. But you can talk to me, whenever you feel down, or sad. Whatever you're feeling… let me feel it with you. Or if you don't want me to… which I'd also understand, promise me you'll find other people to talk with. Just so it doesn't all bottled up inside you. I want you to be happy and healthy Clary, more than almost anything else.
Clary rests her forehead against Jaces. "I love you too," she whispers, and finally, their lips meet. It wasn't some big epic kiss - just short and sweet. But after months apart it felt like everything.
And just like that, the awkward air between them seemed to clear. They seemed to be on the same page again, back in sync.
They were sitting on the couch a little while later, eating ice cream and enjoying each other's company. It suddenly occurred to Clary that she hadn't told Jace anything she did for her music while she was gone.
She quickly explains how she met everyone who she's recruited into the band so far, and told him what they were like.
"And I wrote a bunch of music - some of it not very good at all, but there are a few songs that are still in their early stages that I could see being on the album…" Clary tells him, clearly hoping he'll ask to hear them.
"Let's hear them then," Jace says, smiling at his wife's enthusiasm. While he may not have agreed with her going, and hated the whole time she was gone, he had to admit it had done wonders for her. She seemed happier, more confident and more driven than before. Like she'd finally found that purpose she had when they first met, but in a much more positive way.
"Well - like I said, they're all still pretty early on - this is more the bones of the songs… but I think they could be something good," Clary says, grabbing the guitar she always kept in the living room, that she was glad to see Jace hadn't moved.
"I'm sure they're amazing," Jace says.
Clary quickly tunes the guitar, and then smiles across to Jace, "this first one's called 'Sunflower.'"
When Clary sings the line 'I couldn't want you anymore, kiss in the kitchen like it's a dance floor,' she sees Jace's smile grow so that it was showing all of his teeth and wrinkling around his eyes.
"I love it," Jace tells her when she finishes.
"Really?" Clary asks, always needing reassurance.
"Absolutely. I don't know how to describe it… but that song sounds like what breathing feels like."
"Stop being dramatic," Clary tells him, laughing.
"First of all, you should know by now that I'm a very dramatic person. And second; I'm not being dramatic - it's perfect." Jace says, not breaking eye contact.
"Well, it needs some more work - I'm not happy with the music and…" Clary says, but is cut off quickly by Jace.
"Clary just admit it's really, really good. I wouldn't be able to write anything that sounded nearly that good if I had the rest of my life," Jace says.
Clary rolls her eyes, but accepts the complement, knowing there's no point in arguing with him.
"And I particularly love that it's in the kitchen," Jace says.
"Well, the kitchen is an important place for us…" Clary says, "it's where we first said 'I love you' to each other."
"And where we kissed for the first time," Jace adds. Clary smiles at him, feeling her heart swelter. She wasn't sure if he'd remember that, or at the time if she was just another girl he was trying to sleep with.
"Well anyway, the next one I want to play for you is called, 'It's Not the Same Anymore.' I actually wrote this one when I was like 17, but it felt appropriate for now. And I added the last verse…"
Jace can obviously tell that this one's more serious, and possibly a bit more personal for Clary.
"I'm glad it's better now," Jace tells her.
"It's the best now," Clary answers. "And that's all because of you."
Before Jace is able to speak again, Clary quickly plays her last song, 'Lights Up,' which she thinks is going to be her first solo. It kind of explained everything that was going through her head when she was travelling, and that she was vowing to be more open and vulnerable with everyone in this next chapter of her life.
They go to bed not long after that, with Jace showering Clary in compliments about her music. There was a mutual feeling that they were in a better and more mature stage of their relationship.
Clary goes to work with Jace the next day as promised. Everyone seems a little surprised to see her there, but happy.
When Jace has to go to hair and makeup, Clary goes and sits on his chair, trying to keep to herself, however Izzy quickly comes over to greet her.
"You're back!" Izzy says, quickly hugging Clary.
"Didn't Simon tell you I was coming back?" Clary asks, knowing the two shared practically everything.
"He may have mentioned something…" Izzy admits, "but I wasn't sure if you would come today or not."
Clary gives her a questioning look, and Izzy clarifies, "I wasn't sure if you two were going to be in the right head space…"
Clary can clearly tell that Jace had ranted to Izzy on many occasions about her trip, and she'd maybe had input from Simon, Kit and Magnus, not to mention the media. "We talked," Clary tells her, "we seem to have worked everything out." There was a brief moment where Clary wants to ask what he said, but decided not to. She didn't want to get angry at Jace for saying something he said before, and probably assumed he would never get back to Clary.
"That's good," Izzy says shaking Clary's shoulders a little. "So what's next for Clary Fray?"
"Just writing and recording for the next few months," she tells Izzy, "and I assume Jace is going to do another movie soon." She knew Izzy would probably now more on the second topic, and was looking for some clues to see if he'd signed on for anything new.
"Umm, you might need to have a talk to him about that one," Izzy says, and before Clary can ask any questions, Jace comes over and steers the conversation in a new direction.
They spend the majority of the filming, and Clary just sits on the side watching Jace do his thing. He gives a really nice speech to all the cast and crew, just thanking them for all the effort they've put in over the past few months.
Everyone goes out for drinks after to celebrate the end of filming, and they get home late, so she doesn't get a chance to ask him what Izzy may have meant.
She brings it up over breakfast the next morning, trying to be casual.
"So I know you've just finished filming and everything, but have you got any idea about what's coming up?" Clary asks, moving the yogurt around in her bowl.
"I meant to bring this up, actually. I've been thinking that I want to produce a movie next. I know it's a big, and potentially expensive step, but I think it's what I'm up to. I know it'll take a while, and be hard, but I'm up for the challenge," Jace says, looking nervous at what Clary is going to say.
"I think you'll do a great job. And me, and Izzy and all the guys are here to help where you need it," Clary says, grabbing and squeezing his hand.
"I don't even know where to begin," Jace says, looking overwhelmed.
"I think I have an idea," Clary says, and takes both of their bowls and places them in the kitchen. She then leads Jace to the car and drives quietly, not revealing to him where they're going.
After driving for a few minutes, Clary pulls up at a beach house which is for sale. There's a realtor standing out the front, ready to show people around.
"I was looking at it online, and I think it might be perfect for us. There would be plenty of space for us to each have our own office. I could set up a recording studio, and you'd have room to hold big meetings with all the important people of your movies. It's close to our home, and has a homey feeling about it, but it would mean that we could have a space specifically for work. I get it if you want to have a place closer to the city… I just thought this could be a good start." Clary says, looking past Jace and at the house.
"I think it's a great idea - and a great place for 'Morning Star Productions.''
They walk around the house for a little while, sussing everything out but decide it's perfect. It would need some slight renovations - like putting in Clary's recording studio, but it had enough room for them to grow in the future and get started now.
They leave with plans to put an offer on the house that afternoon, and feeling like everything was finally starting to fall into place to have the future they'd always dreamed of.
Song Mentions:
Sunflower Vol. 6 and Lights Up by Harry Styles
It's Not The Same Anymore by Rex Orange County
I hate to leave the chapter on such a happy note, but I'm also glad that Clary and Jace are back to a happy place. If you have any suggestions, or anything you want to see in the story (song/movie idea/plot idea) I'd be more than happy to hear it, and to write them into the story :) Hope you all have a good and safe week!