Goodbyes

It had come. The time had come.

I had used every excuse (her fragility, her pain, her fears, her healing) and all the strength and power of my selfishness (my everlasting love, my obsession over her very existence, my need for that burn, my feeling alive for the first time in a hundred years) to stay up until this point. I had known since the very moment her fragrance hit my existence like a supernova it would come to this. Hurting her. How could I have let this go so long.

I once thought I would hurt her by killing her. How naïve. How easy that would have been.

I then thought I would hurt her by robbing her of her essence, by bringing her to my underworld. I thought all our words, all our stares, all those nights talking were just pomegranate seeds. I was Hades, tying Persephone to his underworld. The only difference between me and the god of the eternally damned was that I never wanted to give her a taste of this immoral immortality. I never wanted her to desire to be part of my world. I had hoped to share a few moments of humanity with her, as long as her forever would go. As long as she would have me. As long as it would be right. As long as there was no clear sign. I would never take her soul away. To be resented until the dawn of eternity by the one whose existence made mine bearable would not serve nor myself or her—because once she would be changed, resentment was the only option. The only thing she would hate more than the monster she had become, would be the one responsible for it—me. Leaving her human was the only way for our love to subsist. And it was the only way I could live with my egoistic, selfish, monstrous, self.

Alice saw it so fiercely, like it had already happened. Bella's pale, marble, infinite, amoral existence. Bella was imploring in her sleep. And the more time passed, the more I fought with the idea, the more time I spent with her … the more I understood she already was in my underworld. I could hurt her by leaving her human or hurt her by sucking the life out of her. Both options still existed in Alice's mind. Pain was everywhere, in every scenario. Changing her was the only thing my selfishness was not strong enough to convince me to do. I had already started to grieve her lost—whether she would get tired of me or just follow the normal course (and blessing) of the human condition, I would lose her. Very much like Persephone, she would never completely be part of my world. To hurt her that way, I could bare. I already was. And somehow, every moment with her was filled with bliss. Infatuation.

After all, if pain was inevitable, I may as well stay in that blissful in-between as long as possible. Because I already knew. The choice had already been made. I had made the choice for us. Alice saw it too. Me leaving. My agony. Her (human, fleeting, ephemeral) misery. I was just waiting to be strong enough. Waiting for her to be ready, healed, steady. Waiting for a sign. Waiting for absolution.

Leaving her immortal, aging by my side, thus limiting the time we would ever spend together in our all-consuming love was not the final blow. That would not be the final wound I'd inflict upon her. Again, how naïve. How stupid. In the face of the torture of our imminent separation, I was the stupid lamb. How could I have let this go for so long?

I was leaving. I was already gone.

And the sign had come.

Though my passage into her life had already brought her too much ache, what just happened was nothing but a mere presage of the lifetime of suffering, danger and pain her partaking—even if only limited—in my world would bring her. I was not ready. I finally stopped hoping that I would one day be—what foolishness. But I had to be strong enough for her. I had brought enough torment to her fragile existence. How could I have let this go so long?

The second I knew I loved her, the second we were through the knot, the second I knew I would not kill her by choice; I should have left her at once. Preserved her from the inevitable. Heartbreak was the only answer. There was no happily ever after for a creature as myself and by staying with her, I was cheating her of hers. She was human, she was young, she was loved, she was the most beautiful, warm and caring girl I had come across in a hundred years—she would get over this and have tons of help to do so. Human sentiments are fleeting. If there is one thing I knew about the human mind, it's that the capacity for sentiments to change is as powerful as the sentiments are. Better a quick and painless anecdote about that time she fell in love with a vampire in a meadow than being left behind, betrayed and deceived by the monster that had now poisoned her life.

How could I have let this go on for so long? How could I have been so stupid to wait for a sign? Was I literally waiting for her to get hurt one more time to be convinced it was time to let her live a happy, healthy, and above all human life? Not only was I self-absorbed enough to stay with her despite her best interest but I was pretentious enough to call it … love? No, love would have brought me away sooner. My flaws made me stay. The sentiment that perhaps my existence had somehow a sense made me stay. What a tragedy I had brought to her life.

I was already gone. I was already gone because truthfully, I could not be there … to leave her. I had to put my mind in a second state. I may have been a vampire, but I would have to channel my inner zombie for that one. I would have to disconnect from myself completely to put on the best show ever produced.

She would know. She would know I'd leave to protect her. She would know I'd leave because of the almost accident. She would know I'd leave because love was finally stronger than the monster. She would see right through me—as always. She saw everything. She would wait. She would hurt more than necessary. She would scout the world to find me one day. She would get herself in trouble. She would get hurt. Perhaps die. I could not let further harm upon her.

I needed her to have chance at a normal, happy life. And the only way it could happen was if she believed I was done with her. Not because of the monster that I was (she really dealt … well with that part) was leaving her, but because the man that loved her within me was gone. It was the only way.

I was already gone. I could not let my scattered brain think about anything else. Action was the only path forward. I had to perfect my speech. I had to say out loud that I did not love her. Just thinking these words brought me pain I didn't even know existed. My stomach seemed to turn over, contracting in imaginary pain for which there were no remedies. My brain wanted to explode. My heart wanted to sink. My lungs wanted to collapse. I fell to my knees. All the humanity left in me manifested itself at once. If only I could cry. If only I could be sick. But no. I was steel. I was marble. My emotions had nowhere to go outside of my conscious mind. I had to feel it all without any escape. It's all I deserved, but how I wish I could have just collapsed in pain, be unconscious for a while. If I ran for days when I first met her to ease my troubles, I now seemed to be paralyzed. I wanted to scream but I couldn't even breath to fill my lungs. How I wish this would bring me to my death … but no. I did not need to breathe. I did not need to rest. Purgatory was only something I could yearn for.

I had been in my room for what seemed like a lifetime. I could see twilight over the treetops. I wished Bella was sound asleep—It was the first time in almost 6 months I did not (secretly—at least from her dad) spent the night with her. I knew she was deeply disturbed (how could she not be) by what had happened last night, and she was probably worried by my absence. I hoped her body gave out and had blessed her with the sweetness of sleep. Flashes of visions of tortured, emaciated, frail Bella spun through my head, Alice's warning ringing in the distance. NO. I could not go there. I was already gone.

Through the house I could hear everyone packing their bags. Carlisle had already called our contact for school transcripts and such. We wouldn't have to change all our identities this time. Just phone numbers, emails, addresses. Nothing too complicated. Not a single word had been spoken since the incident. Jasper was feeling at fault—a momentary lapse, an animal instinct. He felt so ashamed. Responsible for uprooting our family prematurely. Liable for my misery. Guilty for taking Alice away from her best friend. "He should not be feeling this way," I whispered, staring at the first gleam of light through the window. It was I who thought I was something I was not. What happened was natural. We weren't feared mythical creatures without cause. This was nothing but what I had always expected. I had brought this turmoil to my family.

As I took Bella home last night, Alice informed my family of what was going to happen. We were leaving Forks—my mind was made up. There was no point in putting up a fight. She did, however, put up a hell of a fight from her thoughts. This is inevitable Edward, you will come back. She loves you. You love her. You won't stand to hurt her so long. She's not good without you. You are not good without her. This is not a good decision. What will you do when you won't be strong enough to bear your own suffering but will still have to carry hers? You will cave. I don't see you not coming back. Bella will still be one of us, I see it.

I could not listen to this, I was already gone. I would endure what I would need to give a chance to Bella. To free her from my demoniac world.

Esme was heartbroken—Alice had let her know I was not going to be with them for the foreseeable future, even though I had no clue where I would go yet. Esme was also losing Bella. Her love was limitless and she had already welcomed her as a daughter. Losing her son—again because of my limitless selfishness—was a pain I had caused her too many times already. But there was no other way. How it burdened me to know I had now taken a daughter and her hope for my happiness from her.

Emmett was saddened by all of it, but he was mostly sad to see me agonizing. He had befriended of Bella, in a brotherly way, and he had enjoyed—albeit the circumstances were tragic—all the action he had been getting since Bella had joined our odd crew. He thought it was too bad this had already come to an end, but he would support me. His main concern at this exact moment was to endure Rosalie's fit. She was infuriated that she had to move, too soon, because of this idiotic more than ordinary human girl. I could not bear Rosalie right now so I just tuned her out and returned to my misery. To my mission. To telling Bella I did not love her, that I didn't want to be with her.

It had to be more drastic. It had to be like I never existed. When she would bet at school, I would go to her room and take away all the pictures, delete all the emails. I would not leave a single crumb behind. It was time to clean up the mess.

As I entered her room for the last time, through that same window I climbed every night for the past 6 months, her scent overwhelmed me like it never had before. The burn was excruciating. The monster was, however, buried deep down inside. It pained me in an indescribable way. It was like telling a junkie he would never get high again. No, it was more than that.. It was less than that. It was simply telling two star-crossed lovers that they couldn't ever … be. A tale as old as time. A human tragedy if there ever was one. A pathetic destiny. After all, isn't love what saves us all, the most powerful force of nature? For a second, it hurt so much it was hard to comprehend that this pain was all self-inflicted. I didn't have to leave. I was choosing to. But above all, I was choosing my love for Bella. And safety and happiness were the bare minimum she deserved. Love would save her. It wouldn't save me, but it's not like I was worthy of being saved or that I ever could be. I would pay the price of her happiness with my everlasting sorrow.

For a few moments, I lied on her bed, like I had hundreds of times now. I looked around me: her music, the book I was halfway through, the clutter—I smiled. How blessed was I to have had a midnight sun. This was the last glimpse of happiness I would allow myself for the rest of my existence. This was the last time I would feel happiness. This was the last time I would feel alive. I allowed myself, just for a few instants to breathe in the happiness, the giddiness, the love, the infatuation, the desires, the kisses, the fantasies, the urges, the hungers that had happened in this room. With each breath my will was becoming weaker. I'd have to leave this moment of bliss behind faster than I wanted to. I needed to focus on the task at hand. I closed my eyes and pledge to never come back, leaving with any memento of my existence. I thought of keeping something, but I needed nothing to remember her and I was not worthy of having any token of our happiness. It was time for a new moon. For darkness. For eternal damnation. I was already gone.

I went back home to make sure things were in order and that everything was ready for our flee. I may had been strong enough to leave by I couldn't linger. Once the show, the performance of the millennium, was over I had to run as far away as possible as fast as possible or agony would suck me in like gravity and prevent me from ever pretending I was able to abandon her.

Carlisle was at the door. It doesn't have to be this way, son.

''Yes, it does '.

He looked at me with more empathy the world had known, empathy I wasn't deserving. We are ready, he thought, resolving himself to accept my decision.

I turned back at once before I could hear the other's thoughts. I could not tolerate it.

I ran to Bella's house, for one ultimate time, waiting for her to show up from school. For the only time in my life I stopped thinking … I could not think. I was paralyzed. I just waited. Absently waiting to put on a show. A minute may have passed, 4 hours may have passed. My body was consumed by a nameless fire of despair I had never encountered before. I felt the pain for what seemed like infinity, but I couldn't recall anything. Perhaps the zombie thing was happening.

I heard her truck turn the corner. I breathed loudly, unnecessarily.

The world had come to an end yet the earth never revolved fast.

I couldn't feel the wind against my skin. I couldn't feel the soil under my feet.

When she got out of the truck, I could see a glimmer of happiness across her face. She must have worried all day about me, even though she shouldn't have. How it pleased me to see warmness in her eyes and a faint smile across her lips. She could tell I was about to say something she would have to fight me over. I loved how determined she was. I hated she was determined to be with someone as dangerous as me. Her face changed to one of worry as she met my gaze.

Show time.

I felt my consciousness detaching from my body. If I had a soul, it would have left too.

She joined me at the end of the driveway, near the forest that neighboured her house.

—''Hey." It was a good thing she talked first. It broke the frozen spell.

—''Come and take a walk with me. "I said, speaking barely louder than a whisper. I would have to get better than this and quickly. Paralyzed and deprived of all my senses I started to walk into the woods mindlessly, aimlessly, thinking of nothing but of how convincing my next few sentences had to be. Bella followed me. I only stopped when I came face to face with a giant tree.

—''We have to leave Forks. "There. A fact. This wasn't so hard. Yes, my family and myself were indeed leaving Forks.

She took a few second to process what I had said.

—"Why?" That was a legitimate question. To which I couldn't give an honest response.

—''Carlisle looks 10 years younger than he is supposed to be and people are starting to notice. "That wasn't a lie either, although it was not the honest reason why we were leaving Forks. Plastic surgery and Alice's makeup mastery could justify us staying here at least a good 5–10 years still.

—''Okay, I've got to think of something to say to Charlie. "She stared at me, waiting for me to say something … but only met my blank stare. Her heart started to beat strongly against her chest, her breathing was suddenly scattered. Yes. She had solved the first clue. I wouldn't have to hold on much longer.

—''When you say we … " she puzzled the words together slowly, only beginning to understand what was happening.

—''I mean my family and myself." I said with contempt. Yes, that was the right way to go. Contempt. She would have to believe she was beneath our world … I had to play hard. A new frenzy grew inside me. I had to make this believable. This wasn't a show. It was an incarnation.

—"'Edward, what happened with Jasper … it's nothing.'' For her to think, it was nothing made the frenzy grew bigger. How could she think her life being at risk was nothing? Leaving was the right choice. She had no self-preservation. And I was so wrong for her.

—"You're right. It was nothing. Nothing but what I always expected. And nothing compared to what could have happened. You just don't belong in my world, Bella" The words were true. I was not lying just yet. The intonation with which I told them went from contempt to scorn.

—''I belong with you." Hints of imploration. It's a good thing my consciousness had left my body because I wouldn't be able to handle lying to her this way. I knew what was coming. This was now machinal.

—''No, you don't." I said with total disregard and a hint of disdain, almost smirking while looking her straight in the eyes. The words were not a lie either I thought, but the tone was a fraud. She belonged with someone much, much better than I was. Someone who would not constantly be a threat to her life. Someone who could make her happy. Someone who was not eternally damned. My tone could no longer leave place to any interpretation. After all, it wasn't the first time I had told her she didn't belong with me. Only the meaning of the words had to be different this time.

—"'I'm coming." She said it like I didn't have any choice, with so much assurance. But I could feel her confidence slowly eroding. It was almost a plea. Now was the time to lie for the first time.

—""Bella. I don't want you to come." The frenzy grew. All the revolting aspects of my being were now at play. My deceiving, deceptive self.

—''You … don't want me?" Her heart skipped a beat, but she did not look surprised, somehow. Blood washed away from her face. Her gaze filled with worry, incomprehension. I could almost see her head spin. Her stomach contracting by the shock, like I had punched it. It left her weak, so weak. Yes, it was working. At least, I could do this right.

—"'No" I said in a tone as cold as my skin. This was a lie if there ever was one. How could I not want her? I was no longer Hades, I was Dolos, spirit of trickery and guile.

—""That changes things. A lot." Something seemed to click in her mind. Had she … believed me? It would be that easy? For a fraction of a second my consciousness reemerged, almost insulted that she had believed me so easily. The pain was unbearable. FOCUS.

—"'But if it's not too much to ask, can you just promise me something? Don't do anything reckless, for Charlie's sake. And I'll promise something to you in return. This is the last time you'll ever see me. I won't come back. And you can go on with your life without any interference from me. It'll be like I never existed, I promise." I couldn't control myself anymore, on the verge of revealing everything. But this I had to ask. I needed her to be safe. The world would not make sense without her.

—"If this is about my soul, take it. I don't want it without you." She growled with anger, exasperated by what she thought was self-righteousness on my part. So I had not convinced her just yet. One last blow, I vowed, filling my glance with hatred and disgust. She would think it was for her, but the only thing I hated was myself.

—"'It's not about your soul. You are just … not good for me." Each word pained me like a dagger. Each felt like treason. Each bearing my sufferance, her pain, our impossible love, my deceiving, my betrayal, the hurt I had caused my family. Each word felt as heavy as the universe is infinite.

—''Not good enough for you." She looked at me, seeking relief, yet she seemed to knew it would never come … as if she believed it. It would only take this, I now knew. Her eyes met the ground, her gaze no longer strong enough to endure mine. My consciousness once again resurfaced. I let it. I deserved to feel this suffering. My job was done. The curtain was falling on this scene.

—"'I'm just sorry I let this go on for so long." Truer words had never been spoken.

—""Please. Don't." She whispered, desperate, almost unconscious already. I had to go. I had to run away as far as possible. I had to disappear from the surface of the earth.

—''Goodbye." I approached her, kissing her on the forehead as she was paralyzed. I breathed in her scent one last time. Felt the burn through a last embrace. Let my lips feel her warm, soft, silky skin through a last kiss. Felt her weak, small, frail body under my hand a final time. I tried to engrave it all—but I didn't need to, I would always remember, such was my curse. My muscle began to tense, to crisp. I could no longer endure this. Had she looked up, she would have known. All this was for nothing if I didn't leave right this instant.

The zombie had left. What was left of my humanity took all the place.

I began to run.