Running
I'd always been a fast runner, the fastest I'd ever met from my kind, but this felt like floating; I was an asteroid on an undetermined course. I was going at unprecedented speed, fuelled by my absolute need to flee as far as possible. My original intent was to go over to my family to say goodbye, but I just couldn't handle it, utterly broken. It seemed that the only thing that matched my pain was my naïve soulless mind, as I wasn't strong enough for anything else—perhaps ever. I made a turn south, still oblivious as to where I was heading, and somehow manage to speed up even more. All I knew is that I was going far, far away. Even at that speed, I could still hear every sound, see every detail, sense every motion around me: only my heart was annihilated.
Apparently, now that the deed was done, all my physical abilities were back. As my consciousness hit my brain, I realized I had just abandoned Bella in the woods. This moronic move on my part was so idiotic I felt my instincts driving me to go back—I had left her in the woods? I was so consumed by leaving her that the one time in my existence that my senses momentarily diminished I had left the love of my life in the woods, alone, unprotected at twilight.
I slowed down—I couldn't let this be. I needed to know she was okay. I needed to make sure she was safe—this was my only motive for acting this way. If she died in the woods tonight, all of it was for nothing. I began to slow down when I situated myself—I had already crossed the Olympic park, running along the pacific coast, I was just a few miles from the Oregon border now. I began to turn north as I picked up my speed—I would just go close enough to hear Charlie's thought. If he was at peace by the time I got there, it meant Bella was alright. I could then disappear. It then hit me that I could never make sure she was safe ever again—not that I didn't know it, but now I felt it. I had taken the habit of watching her every step, of catching her when she stumbled, of surveilling everyone around her to make sure she was safe at all time. I had transformed into her protector, saving her when her number was up multiple times. What if me leaving her was just the same as handing her over to the grim reaper?
This train of thought often had extended my stay in Forks after she got better following the Phoenix ''incident''. Images of James shuttering her frail body while she screeched flooded my mind momentarily and comforted me I was finally doing the right thing. I should have been stronger, sooner. Not that leaving her then and there would have been less painful, but each moment we had spent together had just confirmed and deepened our unlikely, inexplicable, indestructible, impenetrable connection. We had spent the most wonderful summer together. As I knew my departure from her life was eventually inevitable in order to allow her to live a safe and happy life, I had let myself enjoy the past few months, for the most part—at least when she was awake. My guilt and absolute hatred for everything my existence had put her through was always latent, sometimes roaring as I thought about her fragility and how I was responsible for threatening her very existence by just being. I would look at her scars as she was sleeping, as a reminder of why all of it had to be ephemeral. Every time, it felt as if I was being burned from the inside by the guilt, pain and shame, always wondering at the same time how long I had with her. The burnt then left place for a cold anguish, one I had—again—never felt before and that led me to fear my future. Yes, me, and unbreakable undead, was disturbed by fear. I wasn't worthy of having a happily ever after, but to know I would spend the next decades without her frightened me. I didn't know how to … be, without her. As if I had never existed before her. At least it would also be temporary. When she would vanish from the earth, I would to. A world without her didn't make any sense.
My selfishness and unadulterated infatuation with Bella had allowed me to go beyond my constant inner blather and morality most of the time. We had been lucky—well as far as I was concerned. The weather had been awful by human standards and had allowed us to stroll around like normal lovers do. We had spent essentially every waking and sleeping hour together since we got back from Pheonix.
During the day I'd sometimes take her running with me—she was still feeling queasy, but you could tell she enjoyed the closeness and sharing my utter amusement and freedom. We spent a lot of time in our meadow. We talked about everything, anything, nothing. At every given moment, I was ready to explode from the warmth I felt rushing through my body with every stroke, every touch, every kiss. All too much, all not nearly enough. The hours spent like seconds. We talked while looking into each other's' mesmerized eyes, whispering like we were telling each other secrets, wishing for every instant to last forever. Our love was positively toxic. Her scent was my heroine, our love was the relief. Drunk on love. Isn't almost absurd once you experience that suddenly all the love stories make sense. The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. Heathcliff's tortured ways. As Victor Hugo said in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, ''love is never stronger than when it is completely unreasonable''.
We watched classic movies, exchanged thoughts on the books we were reading (she'd read during the day, I'd read the same thing while she slept). Her fondness of classic English and American literature was something I appreciated. I was nothing if not classic in my taste. I thought of all the books I had read in my hundred years (you tend to read a lot when you can't ever sleep) and listed all the books I wanted her to read and enjoy. Classic French literature was probably what she would enjoy the most and she didn't really have a chance to dive in yet. Of course, she had read the most obvious ones: The miserables, the three musketeers, the count of Monte Christo. I couldn't wait to discuss all the books that changed my views of the world in the last few decades: In search of lost time, The stranger, My father's glory … to witness someone discovers those books and ideas and expend their mind was very endearing and wonderful to watch. I also wanted to list my favourite philosophy works for her (after all, I did have a philosophy masters from Princeton that I completed in the aftermath of the Second World War, just after Alice and Jasper had join us). I didn't get to that list, however, knowing full well we only had today. I couldn't allow myself to imagine a real future with her. I was just passing through, expecting to strength to leave, for a sign. It was too gut-wrenching to think of any future.
At night, I'd meet her in her room, neither one of us could bear to be separated from the other. The memory of the time we had been separated was too painful to endure and the future that just about followed haunted me. Torture. Sufferance. A world without her. The Volturi. Breaking my family. I spiralled into it all the time, then felt her warm breath brush my arm as she slept on my chest and calmed down. This. Today. Right now. It was all I had. Every time, I'd breathe out in relief, blessing her existence and the luminous joy she had brought into mine.
That it had come to this, me running away from the surface of the earth, was no surprise. I just despised myself for being selfish enough to have waited for a sign. I had once again let her get hurt. Once too many. It was inevitable.
Still, I had to make sure she was okay. I had just broken her heart and left her in the woods. It might have seemed pretentious on my end to think I had broken her heart, but I was not an idiot. I saw how she looked at me. Saw her distress at the idea of me leaving. Heard her plea for her to eternally join me in her sleep. Above all, Alice was very adamant about the effect of my departure would have on her. During the last few months, every time she saw me leaving in her visions, she would essentially shout her thoughts at me, violently bombarding me with images of a pale, frail, emaciated almost ghostly Bella. SHE IS NOT GOOD WITHOUT YOU. SHE WILL HURT AS MUCH AS YOU. YOU HAVE TO STAY.
I had come to terms with this idea … I knew I would hurt her, but it was the lesser evil. Staying with her would bring her infinitely more sorrow. I did not agree with Alice for the rest, however: I was convinced it wasn't more than any other heartbreak for an 18 year old. She would wallow, then move on, eventually she would find love again. Daggers through my heart. Her pain would fade away, such was the beauty of human nature. I'd carry mine around for the remaining of eternity.
I was halfway back to Forks, when I felt something moved towards me in the woods. Edward.
I recognized my sister's thought instantly. ''I want to be alone'', I whimpered.
Edward, stop. If you go back to check on Bella, you will not leave Forks. I see it with outmost clarity. It's as certain as the sun rising in the east. Edward, STOP!
We had now crossed paths and she had begun to run alongside me.
''I have to make sure she is okay.'' I lowered my stare, in shame. ''I've left her in the woods''.
I know. Charlie will find her. I saw her being brought to her bed by Charlie. She is not good. She is not okay, per my definition. But she'll open her eyes in the morning. I guess that's all you want to know.
I began to slow down, coming to a stop. Alice took a huge leap and landed under a huge rock covered in green moss. I was now slowly walking towards her. It seemed the slower I walked, the more I could feel the heaviness of my heart. I could hear the ocean to the west and smell the saline air. The sun had now disappeared behind the horizon and the bugs were chirping. The air was filled by a thin fog that damped the leaves and the ground. Tiny drops of water pearled on my skin as I finally reach Alice. She talked before I could look at her.
- '' I saw you coming back and I knew I had to meet you. It's also why I didn't say anything to you last night, I knew we would have this moment. Believe me, I want you to come back, and I'm rather sure you eventually will, but you have to think this through. You were strong enough to leave once, but there is no way you will be able to leave Bella a second time.'' She looked at me with empathy and worry.
- ''I just needed to make sure she was okay.'' I whispered, my voice breaking with emotion. It was finally getting to me. I had left Forks. I had left Bella. My insides swirled.
- ''Edward, she is not good without you. The moment you started to run, my mind was flooded with images even more violent and gruesome of her despair. If you think you had a hard time listening to her scream when James crushed her, you can't even fathom standing the wrenched screaming from her nights without you. You'll run to be by her side at the very instant you hear her. You might be able to bear your own pain, but you won't be able to stand hers.'' I loathed the idea of her sufferance, but I knew it would subside with time, I had no doubt.
- ''Her pain will fade. She'll be happy, lighthearted eventually. Her happiness is all I want.'' I spoke with the tone of a man on death row, accepting his dark faith. ''But I left her in the middle of the woods, I just want to make sure she is safe, that all of this is not in vain. I'll go close enough to check on Charlie, and once I know she is home I'll take off''.
- ''I don't know how she got back home, but I saw a vision of Charlie carrying her to bed later tonight. She is alive, she is not physically hurt.'' She showed me the images of Bella waking up with dark circles around her puffy red eyes. ''If you truly, deeply, want to leave, turn around. I want you to stay. I think you should stay. But you are my brother and I love you. I don't think you'll ever be able to be fully happy if you don't … leave. I still think you will come back; I don't see any future for you beyond your love for Bella. It's just that, you'll never want … not to leave. You will always be in this strange in between. You are so convinced that you will ruin her life that you already have one foot out the door. You're always waiting for a sign. Unless you can accept that you are good and right for her, perhaps tonight is too early to come back. Because I guarantee you, you won't ever leave her again. You are barely holding it together already. You already are stronger than I thought. Your immediate future is all blurry.'' Good, I thought to myself. That meant I was indeed capable of doing the only right thing and to let the love of my life have the life she deserved. And I would prove Alice wrong. I wouldn't come back.
- ''You are absolutely sure she is okay?'' I said, as I began to accept that I could not satisfy my need to check on her if I wanted all of this to have any sense. She is alive and she is not physically hurt. She made a point of not thinking that Bella was okay. I felt Alice's emotions shift, she wanted to ask me something, but she was afraid to upset me, so she did all she could to focus her thoughts on Bella's image. ''Why are you doing this, I know I'm hurting her, I got that part''.
- ''Edward, you are also taking me out of her life. We have grown quite close to each other. My departure will also affect her, albeit it's not the same. It's not going to help.'' I could see where this was going. As soon as she had started to talk, her mind slipped and I saw what she wanted from me.
- ''Alice, no''. I felt like a tyrant. Could I ever stop hurting the ones I loved? Edward, please. I just want to stay in touch with her. I'm genuinely afraid for my friend. I love her. I don't want to abandon her. You might think you are strong enough, but I don't want to be, as opposed to you. I want to stay in her life. ''No, it can't be like that, I need all connection to her shut. Alice, can't you see the torment and misery I, but also what we are, have brought to her life? I can concede that she will have a hard time letting go, but I'm telling you I am never, ever, coming back.''
- ''But I know you will eventually. I can't tell you when or why, but eventually you'll realize you are good for Bella and you will want to stay. I can be of support to her in the meantime. I promise I'll let her live her life. But please don't take her love and her best friend out of our life.''
- ''You are wrong. There is no meantime. There is no coming back. Alice, the horrors I've put her through are enough for me to stay away for good. You know it all depends on my choice. This is it. I'm asking you to stay away from her.'' Except I wasn't really asking. I was telling her. I was speaking extremely fast, bitter and irritated that I even had to ask. She saw the future; she should have known better. She knew I would not let her stay around. For her to come to me to try and change my mind at this point was somewhere between ridiculous, desperate and so … human. A wave of guilt hit me as I self-condemned myself to live a life deprive of all things I wasn't worthy of, including the love of my family, for having such sentiments. I really needed to go, promptly.
I felt Alice's heart break as her mind flooded with images of her friendship with Bella now twisted, blurry, effacing. I felt her heart becoming heavy. It was the first time I was hurting my sister, or anyone I'd ever known that way. I knew I had broken Esme's heart when I left, but this was something else … I was asking her to do something against her will. It wasn't passive. I needed her to stay away from her friend. I needed her to overlook her own needs for Bella's friendship and to just accept my word as final. It was cruel, unjustified. ''I'm so sorry, I hope one day you'll forgive me'', I whispered, agony cracking my voice. I couldn't bear to feel more pain around me.
- ''You know I will, I love you. I see you've made up your mind, today is not the day you are coming back. When you will, you'll want to stay, I see that.'' I look at her ever annoyed. There was no point in arguing. I knew I wasn't coming back. I just felt discouraged that I couldn't check on Bella one last time, to make sure she was okay. I promise, she'll wake in the morning.
- ''I need you to promise me you'll leave her alone.'' She was mad at me, I could tell, but she knew how much suffering I was in and perhaps knew better than I did the torture that awaited me. She did not want to burden me further. This was too good of her, but I was too weak to let her know how much I appreciated her resigning so quickly.
- ''I'll stay away from her as long as you will'', she said with a cocky grin. I rolled my eyes, as my sister's faith in my future with Bella almost made me crack a faint smile for half an instant, as it had a million times before.
- ''Tell the others how sorry I am. Tell them to leave me alone. I can't do this anymore … thank you for letting me know she is safe.'' I hoped my glanced express all the love I had for her as I looked at her one last time before fleeing.
With the last bit of courage I could ever use, I tuned South. I was going south.