Chapter Fifteen
"You okay girl?" Johan, the boy she had flagged down finally broke the silence with a wary side glance to her.
She felt numb, to be honest. She knew she couldn't overthink the next few encounters. Wickham and his crew had to believe she was sincere when coming to him with the news that Will O'Mara had been an undercover cop the whole time they had known and worked with him. She needed to emphasize feelings of betrayal, hurt, and anger; she needed to be the victim as much, or even more so than they had been. In their eyes, it would have been she who he tricked more than anyone; she who, they would all assume, shared her bed with a cold-hearted deceiver who ostensibly just used her to get close to Wickham.
She knew from experience that the more you believed the lie the easier it was to tell, so she blocked out any conflicting emotions and focused instead on how she did feel about him leaving. For one, she felt that it had been all too easy for him, that maybe Charlotte had been right all along and he was just using her for his case. To do that, of course, she had to block out the memories of the night the kissed, really kissed; of how sincere he had been about protecting her and keeping her from harm. It was easier to just feel numb, but it was essential for her survival to pull this off.
"Just got some bad news," she finally replied to her unplanned driver as they pulled up to Wickham's bar. "Stay here a minute. I need to tell Wickham something but then I have news for JJ."
Johan looked like he wasn't happy taking orders from her, or perhaps it was the act of sitting outside Wickham's bar when the gangs were on the verge of war that made him shift around uncomfortably – either way, he put the car in park and told her to be quick, with a threat that he might not be here if she took too much time. Luckily for them both, she wanted to get this over as quickly as possible and had no qualms about taking her time.
She left his car and burst into Wickham's bar, startling the patrons, the waitress, and, because God didn't hate her too much, Rob.
"Jesus Liz," he said, standing up and meeting her halfway. "What happened?"
"Will," she choked out. "I need to tell Wickham right away."
"What happened to Will?" Rays eyes widened, but when she shook her head he led her over to Wickham's office and rapped on the door twice before Wickham called out to enter.
"What's up?" he eyed them both.
"Something's happened to Will," Rob said with concern.
"No," Lizzy shook her head. "Will... I found out Will isn't who he said he was," she sank into a chair, putting her head in her hands.
"What do you mean?" Wickham's voice was devoid of emotion. Lizzy brought her head out of her hands and made herself make eye contact with him.
"He's a cop," she spit out. Rob cried out in shock or disbelief, but Wickham didn't react at all. "He doesn't know I know. I told him I had to run out and see someone. He's back at my apartment."
"Are you sure?" Wickham asked, his face dangerously hardened.
"I'm sure. I heard him on the phone talking about finding some evidence, warrants, and arresting you," she forced herself to stand up, look into his eyes. "I'm so sorry Wickham, this is all my fault."
"Come on Liz. He had us all fooled," Rob gripped her shoulder. "What are we going to do?" he turned to Wickham.
"You said he's still at your apartment?" Wickham asked.
"He's trying to fix his car," she nodded, hoping Will was serious about staying until the last minute.
"You and I will go pay him a visit," Wickham told Rob, but Lizzy interrupted him.
"You can't go," she kind of gasped, hoping she wasn't laying it on too thick. "He's trying to arrest you."
"Don't worry baby," he grinned in that menacing way he always did. "He's got nothing on me. Rob and I will make this all go away, ok?" Rob looked less than enthused, but whether it was because he and Will had been close or the fact that he would be going after a cop she couldn't tell and he didn't comment. Lizzy nodded.
"I have to go tell JJ," Lizzy wiped her eyes, although she hadn't been crying.
"No one can know about this," Wickham gripped her shoulder painfully with a frown.
"You know these things are never kept quiet," Lizzy tried to look resigned. "If I don't tell him he'll think I was keeping it from him and I'll be cut off," Wickham weighed the benefit of having insider information on The Family versus having everyone know he had employed an undercover cop and eventually nodded.
"Don't tell Will we're coming," Wickham ordered her. "Come on, Rob"
Lizzy left with the two men, relieved to see Johan still waiting for her. She and Rob exchanged a glance, but neither had the freedom to say what they wanted at the moment. Rob followed Wickham around the side of the building to where he was parked and Lizzy slid back into the car, informing Johan to take her to see Jay.
Considering everything he had on his plate. JJ took her news fairly well. He grilled her a little bit longer than Wickham had about what Will knew and who his target was, but after her assurances than Will was only ever interested in Wickham and his crew, he put it on the back burner. They talked of Charlotte and he asked how Collins was doing. She wanted to know if he tracked down the names she had given him but knew better than to ask. Eventually, he had Johan take her back to her apartment.
When Johan pulled up to her apartment and let her out, Will's car was gone and there was no sign of Rob or Wickham. She wondered if that was a good sign or a bad one. She thanked Johan for carting her around town all night and he waved her off, wishing her luck with her problems. With a humorless smile, she thanked him and turned to head upstairs.
Her nerves were already fried, so she practically jumped in surprise when she opened her door to see Wickham and Rob sitting on her couch.
"What happened?" she asked eagerly. "Did you find him?"
"We did, but he got spooked and caught onto why we were there," Wickham answered for them both. Before she could ask for more detail, Wickham started in on what could only be called an interrogation and the next hour was spent slowly, painfully, going over every moment of her relationship with Will; how they met, whose idea it was to introduce him to Wickham's crew, how much he talked about his work for Wickham. Luckily, the girlfriends of gang members were notorious for not being told any information and they barely blinked when she told them all she knew was that he sold drugs for Wickham, but not where or any of his clients.
She kept up her apologetic tirade and how he felt so foolish for being duped; Rob was sympathetic, assuring her that they were all taken in by Will but Wickham didn't let his feelings be known one way or another. Eventually, he received a call that warrants had been issued to search his house and business and he decided to go meet them.
"Thanks to your warning, we were able to get all the damaging evidence hidden away," Wickham told her with an unreadable expression. She knew she hadn't completely convinced him she was innocent in all of this, but she hoped he was still making his mind up about it.
"Good," she smiled weakly. She wondered if Darcy had managed to get a warrant for Wickham's private little love shack with Younge and what Wickham's reaction would be when he found out.
Wickham and Rob left shortly after that. Lizzy spent a long time sitting on her couch with her head in her hands, thinking through every scenario that could happen from this moment on. On top of everything that was happening with Darcy and Wickham, she had not forgotten that there was a gang war starting with The Family and The Riders. She wished now she had not gotten involved in that. The truth of who shot Charlotte's place up would have come out eventually, and now she had the possibility that someone from the Riders would find out she leaked information to the Family. Darcy was right- she should have never interfered.
Eventually, the calls started coming in, most of them asking her if it were true Will had been a cop the whole time. She confirmed it, letting everyone know she took full responsibility for introducing him to the gang and felt incredibly stupid for it. She found this technique worked best; most of the time people ended up comforting her in her mistake and pointing out that at least she figured it out in time. She thanked them for their kind words and hung up only to receive the next caller and go through it all once more. Some were harsher than that, of course, but she just let them vent at her and assured them that they were right and she was an idiot for trusting an undercover cop. These were less pleasant but even so, it seemed once they exhausted their anger they seemed to be okay with her once more and the talks usually turned to the upcoming Family/Rider war and her thoughts on it.
She ended up turning off her phone for the rest of the night and headed to bed. Sleep didn't come easily, however. Once she had convinced herself to stop thinking of Will, she would inevitably end up obsessing over JJ and the names she had given him. She spent the night only dozing off for a short amount of time here and there and eventually didn't know what else to do but get ready for school. She had to rise earlier than she had in a while because of course, Will wouldn't be there to drive her.
She turned her phone back on and went through the tedious task of sorting through her texts and listening to all her voicemail. It was mostly all from people who hadn't spoken to her last night in time before she shut her phone off, but there was also one from Rob asking her to call. She did so immediately; she did not want to put it off just to obsess over what he had to say. As it turned out, though, they didn't get a chance to talk about Will. He had called to let her know Wickham had been picked up but not yet charged.
"They didn't find anything at his house or the shop, but I guess they found some witness or something at this house that knows Wickham," Rob told her. Lizzy knew immediately that he meant Younge.
"That sucks," she said without much conviction. "What's going to happen if he gets arrested?"
"I guess I'll have to watch over things until he gets out. He has a pretty good lawyer though, from where he used to live," Rob sounded as exhausted as she felt. "I guess he got him off from some pretty serious stuff before, so Wickham is pretty sure he will get off again."
She didn't like the sound of that. She needed Wickham to be locked up because she was sure he was already suspicious of her and would soon put it together that she was helping Will put him away. Never far from her mind was the memory of Will's warning, that first night they met, about two women missing and Wickham not being a man she wanted to be friends with.
Rob had to go and hung up with her before they had a chance to discuss Will privately and she couldn't help but worry that he did blame her for vouching for Will. The morning and afternoon at school, Lizzy went through the motions physically, but her mind was always somewhere else. She wondered what was happening with Will, Wickham, JJ, and Charlotte. She chewed her lip, bit her nails down to the quick, and checked her phone like her life depended on an incoming text. If her teachers and fellow students noticed her behavior, no one commented on it. Finally, she took the bus to the hospital to check on Charlotte. Collins was out of ICU and into a normal room for recovery. He was sleeping when Lizzy visited so she and Charlotte ditched her bodyguards and got a chance to talk.
"How's Collins?" Lizzy wondered as they both sat down in a small abandoned waiting room clutching their coffee cups. "How are you?"
"Tired," she said truthfully with a sigh. "Shit really hit the fan all at once, didn't it?"
"Did it ever," Lizzy echoed her sigh.
"So now everyone knows Will is a cop," Charlotte began. "Pretty good idea letting you be the one to announce it."
"Yeah, that was his idea," Lizzy admitted. "Figured it would be the best way to keep the death threats to a minimum."
"Not funny," Charlotte said sternly. Lizzy shrugged. "Actually, so far I've gotten more positive feedback for telling Wickham and Jay that Will was a cop then I have insults for hooking up with an undercover cop."
"Thank God for that," Charlotte sipped her coffee. "So Jay is tracking down the guys who shot up my diner," she frowned, showing her displeasure. "There's no way to stop what's coming next."
"War?" Lizzy guessed needlessly. Charlotte nodded.
They spent the next few minutes or so discussing the advantage and disadvantages that each side had. The Family had the numbers and the support of the neighborhood, but the Riders were patching over more people which would even the odds a bit. The Riders were generally more violent and didn't care too much about bystanders. Long Marco had his father's reputation as a crazy and unpredictable boss who loved taking risks and punishing his enemies in violently memorable ways to live up to; he would no doubt feel pressured to assert his dominance during the fight to come.
They predicted that as soon as Marco realized he needed the manpower and the product, Wickham's crew would be vulnerable for takeover. With Wickham in jail, or on his way, it would be the perfect opening for Marco to strong-arm his way into convincing the crew they needed a more powerful, and permanent boss. Lizzy had no idea where Wickham stashed all the illegal contraband he had to purge from his home and business but with the quickness that he did it, she was sure the whole crew must have helped make the move. With Wickham now in custody, Marco would be smart to make his move now before the stash could be moved to a more hidden place.
Lizzy prayed that would be the way it went. She worried for Rob and, though she originally hoped he would take over for Wickham, with this war she began to realize it was too dangerous to be a third party in this neighborhood. Marco and Rob weren't exactly friends, but they had their share of run-ins together and it never ended badly. She hoped this meant Marco would simply take over Wickham's crew and give Rob a nice position, with the consideration that Rob was the one running the operation anyway. Of course, this would mean Rob was a Rider and that put him opposed to the Family, but she could worry about that later. Whatever happened, she mostly prayed Wickham would receive the raw end of any deal. Either jail or on Marco's bad side – she didn't care which.
The next few days were much the same. She waited for word on Wickham, she wondered if she would ever see Will again, and she joined the neighborhood in news on the war.
On the weekend she visited Jane, feeling like she was visiting another world. In Jane's two-bedroom apartment in the middle of middle-class suburbia, she didn't have to worry about what would happen when she left the house; who she would run into, or what possible situation she would happen upon. Not for the first time, she thought about moving out of the neighborhood. It was easy to admit that now seemed as good a time as any. Charlotte was on the verge of moving in with Collins, and the gang war made it more dangerous than ever before. Nothing was keeping her there but memories and old friends. Ever since Will, she had been questioning her reasoning for staying.
She had always maintained that she felt safe in the neighborhood and there was no reason for her to leave simply because others thought it was a dangerous place to live. The rent was cheap and she was able to go to school on scholarships and grants, to focus on schoolwork without worrying about working part-time to pay the bills and taking even longer to earn her degree.
She also admitted that she felt close to her father there. They had lived in this area her whole life, and in her mind, she belonged here with her father. In his frustration, Will had accused her of liking being an important person to dangerous criminals, of staying here because she got off on risky behavior. She had dismissed it outright, but since everything had hit the fan she couldn't help but make herself consider his words.
Her father would never see her leaving as a betrayal and the friends she cared about, people like Charlotte, JJ, and Rob, all assumed it was only a matter of time before she was off to bigger and better things anyway. She couldn't very well use them as an excuse for staying, and although she was extremely independent, she wasn't against taking up her mother's offer for living rent-free while she put herself through school, so the cheap rent didn't even hold. It was an uncomfortable thought that Will might have been right. She fully admitted to being wild in her younger days and although she was on the straight and narrow since her father died, she had to take an honest look at her actions.
She hung out with gang members, but as just about everyone in the neighborhood belonged to one gang or another, she hardly counted that as proof that she was addicted to danger. She thought back to when she first met Will. She knew he was a cop when he showed up to Wickham's party, and what had she done? Gone right up to him and practically announced to the room that she knew him, giving him a perfect backstory for his undercover work. Sure, she regretted it later, but not enough to put a stop to it.
She liked to think her motivation was to take Wickham down, but she couldn't dismiss the theory that Will was right; rather than become addicted to drugs or gamble compulsively like some of the addicts she knew, she chose to engage in risky behavior. She thought over every past action with the knowledge that she might have been choosing an outlet for the wild child she had put an end to when her father had gotten sick. She still wasn't convinced, but now she had another thing to worry about.
Jane was a doctor and had some training in mental health, and on Saturday night she unloaded on her. Jane was quick to defend her sister, she told Lizzy that she was being too hard on herself, especially after her breakup with Will but that if she was really worried that Jane could find her someone to talk to. Lizzy did not like the idea of talking to a professional about her life, but she thanked Jane and told her she would let her know.
On Sunday, Lizzy left early so Jane could have a private dinner with Charles. They had all spent the day together on Saturday and as much as she had been looking forward to some alone time with her sister, she found she enjoyed his company. Even more, was how she enjoyed how he treated her beloved sister. They seemed to be perfectly matched, in temperament, humor, and morals. If Lizzy were to ever make the argument for the existence of soul mates, she would simply trot these two out as proof.
So of course, that night Jane called to tell her the news. She wanted her beloved sister to be the first one to know Charles had proposed. Lizzy was shocked but overcame it quickly. She told her sister how happy she was for her and how much she liked Charles. She listened to Jane uncharacteristically gush about how happy she was for a few minutes before Jane had to hang up to call their mother. Lizzy warily wished her luck with that.
After such happy news, Lizzy woke that Monday hopeful for the future. She took the bus to school and went through her classes, making an effort to pay attention as finals were coming up. At the end of the day, she made her way through the parking lot and headed to the bus station. After a few minutes of waiting, however, a dark sadden pulled up and rolled its window down. Lizzy and the women next to her looked into the car to see why they were stopping. When Lizzy saw who it was she gasped quietly, her heart suddenly in her throat.
"Hope in," he said with a little tilt of his head. Lizzy obeyed, scrambling into the front seat as she checked all around her to be sure no one she knew saw her.
"What are you doing here?" she asked after he rolled up her window and drove off.
"I needed to see you," he told her.
"You needed to see me?" she questioned.
"Well," he hesitated, looking uncomfortable. "Will wanted to come, but he was too afraid he would be seen," Richard told her.
She bit her lip, not wanting to argue that being seen with Richard was probably just as dangerous as being seen with Will. She was probably too apt to say something harsh about his cousin and she didn't want to put him in that position.
"Anyway," she finally grounded out. "What's going on?"
"Well," Richard said again, pulling into an empty lot and parking in the back under some shady trees. "Listen, I don't have much time and for some reason, I feel like I don't have to be delicate with you."
"Okay," Lizzy replied with a bit of bemusement, not knowing how to take that.
"We can't hold Wickham," Richard announced. "He'll be back out by this afternoon."
"What?" Lizzy's heart dropped into her stomach, but despite her words, she couldn't say she was exactly surprised. Somehow she knew he would get away with it.
"We didn't find any drugs at his work or house." Richard flicked his hand like he was shooing a fly. "No big surprise – we risked losing the drug charges to get him for the murder charges. But our star witness is refusing to cooperate and is insisting all the evidence we found at the abandoned house is hers, not Wickhams."
"So there was evidence," Lizzy groaned. "He really did kill those two women?"
"Five." Richard murmured gently, looking disturbed. "That we know of."
"Jesus," Lizzy bit her lip. "So, what, Younge is saying she did it? She's taking the fall for Wickham?"
"It would appear so." Richard sighed. She couldn't help but notice how he resembled his cousin when he frowned. Her next thought was that he's probably had about as good a week as she has. She echoed his sigh, sinking a bit into the seat.
"Well, now what?" She wanted to know. "He's just free to go?"
"For now." Richard nodded. "But we aren't giving up. We still have Younge, and we're going over her story now. Wickham must have told her all the details because she knows things about the crime that no one but the police and the murder could know, but we're going over her story piece by piece to trip her up. Once we can prove she wasn't the one who committed the crimes, we can start working on getting her to flip on Wickham."
It seemed like a solid plan, but Lizzy doubted it would be that simple. Younge had been a victim of his once and whatever had happened, they now shared a bond. Stockholm syndrome or some other kind of psychotic connection linked the two and Lizzy couldn't help but doubt if anything would get Younge to turn on Wickham.
"Meanwhile, you are obviously in danger." Richard continued, breaking into her morbid thoughts. "If we put you on officially as a confidential informant, we can protect you."
"If you make me an official CI, there will be evidence somewhere that I am helping you," she replied somberly.
"It's called confidential for a reason. Only a select few people have access to it." Richard assured her.
"So what, you'll post a cop outside my building? Forget breaking into my file, anyone with a brain will see I'm being protected for a reason," Lizzy rolled her eyes. Richard frowned.
"Lizzy, I don't think you realize the danger you're in," he replied earnestly. "Darcy made it very clear that whatever Wickham says or does, you were already on his radar before this happened and there's no reason to think you aren't on it now."
"I remember," Lizzy assured him with a bit of sting in her words. "I'm not becoming a CI and if I see any sign of police protection, I'll ditch them the first chance I get."
"Why?" Richard asked, shocked at her attitude.
"If Wickham really wanted to kill me, some patrol car outside my building isn't going to stop him and if he isn't going to kill me, then the sign of one might change his mind," Lizzy explained. "Look, I can handle Wickham. I know who he is and what he's capable of. If you want to protect me, do whatever you need to do to put Wickham away."
"Lizzy," Richard grabbed her hand, probably seeing that she was able to open the door and leave the car. "If this is about what happened between you and Will-"
"Richard," she frowned. "I'm not putting myself in danger to spite Will;" As much as the thought had gone through her mind in some low moments after their breakup. "I'm right and you know it if you think it through. The only way you can protect me is by getting Wickham off the street"
Richard blew and angry breath out through his nose. "Then that's what we'll do. Here," he handed her a card with two numbers on it. "We both have a burner phone. If you ever get into any kind of trouble, text or call either of us, okay?"
"Apricot," she nodded, smiling a bit wistfully as she remembered Will's reaction to her choice of distress word. "Thanks, Richard."
"Hey, you know Will's broken up about-" Richard started, looking uncomfortable.
"Don't," she cut him off, shaking her head. She didn't want to get into this with his cousin. She didn't want any more conversations to analyze in her self-debate over whether Will had ever really cared about her. She left his car and headed back to the bus stop, catching it just in time.
She made it home just in time to get a call from Rob with the 'good news' of Wickham's release. There would be a party, of course, and Rob encouraged her to come. It was the last thing in the world she wanted to do, but not being there would most likely send the wrong message to the crew in general and Wickham in particular. She promised to see him there. After setting an alarm to give herself plenty of time to prepare and make the bus to his neighborhood, she laid down with no hope of actually sleeping. She needed to try and relax, however, and come up with a game plan. She needed to never be alone with Wickham without it seeming like she was purposefully avoiding being alone with him.
Of course, if the time ever came that she was alone with him, it would be smart to have some kind of weapon to defend herself. She doubted very much that he would ever call her into the back room and try and kill her there; for as unintelligent as she had originally assumed he was, this business with getting away with murder had made her realize he might be a lot smarter than he presented himself to the world. Or at least more ruthless. Still, nothing was stopping him from coming to her apartment some night, or for catching her alone walking to and from the bus.
She could get a weapon as easily as she could pick up a carton of milk, but that just made her wonder if this was another risky behavior she was engaging in. Was it normal that her first thought was to buy a knife or small handgun in the, probably very likely chance that at some point Wickham would try to kill her, or was it a sign that she was addicted to the rush of adrenaline that came with these kinds of situations? Ever action now was examined under the scope of a possible addiction to risk and danger.
She dozed lightly, and when she got up she was surprised to see Charlotte there. Her roommate had come home to sleep after Collins was moved out of the ICU, but she had been staying at the hospital most of the day to keep him company.
"Going out?" Charlotte asked her over a cup of coffee. Lizzy poured herself one as well as she caught her friend up on the latest news.
"That's a fine line you're walking," Charlotte warned tiredly.
"I know," she sighed. "I just have to have faith that they can get their shit together enough to convince the DA to press charges," Lizzy shook her head slightly; she didn't want to think about her situation anymore. "What's the news on the diner?"
"Open for business tomorrow, actually," Charlotte brightened a bit. "Collins will be out for another month or so, but Frank is going to lend me someone in the meantime."
"So… this thing with Collins…" Lizzy hedged. Charlotte shook her head, but she was smiling.
"I've liked him for a while now," she admitted quietly. "I mean at first he drove me crazy and he is so not my type," she paused. "But, I don't know. We spent so much time together at the diner that we got to know each other and he's different from the guy he presents to the world," she shrugged. "Then he asked me out and he took me to the zoo," she laughed. "I made some comment about never having gone since your dad took us when we were kids but that I've always thought about going back and just never actually did."
Lizzy smiled. She had never seen Charlotte so… smitten with someone.
"When the place got shot up," Charlotte frowned. "I didn't even realize what was happening at first. My whole life in this neighborhood, seeing all the things I've seen and it took me so long to realize what was happening," she looked angry with herself but before Lizzy could comfort her, Charlotte continued. "Collins was out of the back kitchen and next to me in an instant, pushing me down behind the counter. It wasn't until they stopped shooting that I realized he had gotten shot and was losing blood," she shook her head, her glazed eyes replaying the scene for her. "Anyway. He's a good guy. I really like him."
"I'm happy for you, Charlotte," Lizzy grinned at her friend. "Collins sounds amazing."
Charlotte snorted. "He's still annoying as shit," she softened her words with a smile. "But yeah, he's pretty amazing too."
"Speaking of amazing," Lizzy told her about Jane and Charles getting engaged, and how great of a guy Charles was. Charlotte was equally as happy for Jane as Lizzy was and said how she wanted to give her a call to congratulate her and thank her for her help in seeing Collins at the hospital. Lizzy said she had to go so to feel free to do it now. She gathered her things and headed out as Charlotte was dialing the phone.
It was an unusually cold night, seeing as how spring had officially started. When she got to Wickham's, she couldn't help but be reminded of the last party she had attended here, when she met undercover Will for the first time. She had even stopped by the same bar Rob had stopped to pick up some drugs for the party that night, and for the same reason. She added this action to her mental list of risky behavior, thinking it would probably not be a bad idea to start an actual real and physical list of all the risky things she did in a week to document it in the unlikely event she sought actual mental health advice.
Wickham seemed generally happy to see her and even more so when she presented him with her gift, an ounce of pot. She knew he like harder drugs, but she couldn't bring herself to being caught in the possession of crack or heroin. He didn't seem to mind and immediately started rolling joints out of her little present. It seemed like the crew was taking their cues from him so, though they treated her a little stiffly when she first got there, after Wickham's friendly reaction to her the reception became more relaxed. She forced herself to stay close to him, listening to him brag about getting out of the drug charges the 'inept' cops had tried to get him with. Although he didn't even hint at any of the murder charges, he made sure to crow to all the room about how Lizzy had done him a solid with her early warning about Will O'Mara, how the cops had told him how she refused to come down to the police station and make a statement against him even when threatened with obstruction of justice.
Jade looked pissed at the attention he was paying her and even more so when the room all began treating her like she was a hero, but Wickham's attitude only made her nervous. She couldn't help but worry that he was laying it on a bit thick and how very likely it was that he was luring her into a false sense of security. Of course, she also worried that maybe he did believe she was on his side and that she might ruin his good opinion by acting too suspicious of him.
She could very well believe that Will would do what he could to paint her in a favorable light, but she wished Richard would have told her that if anyone asked she should say the police had asked to come down to the station but she had refused. So far he hadn't asked her point-blank if she had really been asked for a statement, but if he was making the story up to catch her in a lie she needed to know before she committed to it.
Luckily, Rob finally got the attention off of her by catching Wickham up on news of the war between the Riders and the Family. Lizzy finally let herself wander off until she met up with Sherry. They hadn't seen each other since it came out that Will was a cop, so they spent a few minutes catching up and talking about certain things that had happened with Will, and how neither could believe he had been a cop the whole time. Sherry was super sympathetic, probably more so than anyone else had been because she knew how much Lizzy liked him and had told her that she had been so sure Will had liked her just as much.
"It must have been so rough to find out," Sherry put a comforting hand on her shoulder. Lizzy let herself become the person who had been betrayed by someone she loved and felt the raw hurt building in her chest.
"It was," she frowned with feeling. "I still can't believe it sometimes."
"Have you seen him since? Has he tried to call or anything?" Sherry kind of whispered, eyes wide. Lizzy shook her head.
"I wouldn't answer if he did," she curled her lip in anger. "Asshole."
"Yeah, fuck that guy," sherry took an enthusiastic drink from her cup. "Too bad he was so cute though," she added with a bit of a mournful expression. Lizzy couldn't help but agree.
"Too bad."
The rest of the party passed without event. As soon as Wickham disappeared into another room with Jade, she felt safe enough to leave. When she got home there was a message on her machine from Jane, informing her that their mother was already planning the engagement party for two weeks from now and to clear her schedule because beforehand their mother also wanted to buy Lizzy a whole new outfit for the occasion. Considering her life lately, this was a problem Lizzy was happy to have. She marked her calendar and texted Jane to let her know she would be there. It was late, but she was sure her sister would get the message when she woke. Charlotte was already asleep, so there wasn't anything keeping Lizzy up. She decided to get whatever sleep she could before the alarm for school went off in a few hours.
The next two weeks flew by. Lizzy let her mother take her shopping, which was an exhausting experience but one Lizzy was grateful for if only for the distraction. She stayed with her mom rather than Jane so that any spare moment Jane had could be spent alone with Charles. Lydia was her own kind of distraction of course, and for this, she was grateful as well. She was able to stave her off heading into town to go clubbing again, but spent plenty of time with her going to the mall, the movies, and generally just hanging out. She saw so much of herself in Lydia and it was a bit of a balm to see how normal she seemed to be. It made Lizzy think she might have been overreacting this last month or so, probably in reaction to her admittedly terrible breakup.
Lydia was very sympathetic, mourning his good looks and the super sexy way he was so confident. Lizzy reverted to a bit of teenager when she was around Lydia, but it was a distraction from her complicated life right now and it felt good to bash Will with someone who didn't know he had been an undercover cop and broken up with her under the guise of keeping her safe. All she had told her family was that he had broken up with her a bit out of nowhere and they hadn't spoken since.
"We should pick up a super sexy guy and drive by the shop he works at and be like oh, is this where you work?" Lydia feigned a surprised expression. "This is so awkward, but Thomas's Mercedes Benz check engine light came on and he figured we might as well stop and get it checked out."
"Thomas?" Lizzy questioned with a laugh.
"Thomas is super hot and totally rich. Oh! And he's British." Lydia added excitedly. She thought more about the made-up replacement for Will. "He wants to fly you to London to meet the family."
"It's getting pretty serious with Thomas," Lizzy pointed out.
"Oh yeah, but, when you know you know," Lydia said sagely. Lizzy decided Thomas was perfect for her, but Lydia informed her sister that unfortunately she and Thomas had fallen in love and they would probably have to find someone else for her. Lizzy hit her with a pillow.
Finally, the night of the engagement party had come. She and her family were there with Charles and his family before anyone else arrived so that there would be no distraction while they officially got to know each other. Charles's mother had died when he was young, but his father was there. He seemed to be an older version of Charles; a bit less hair on his head and bit more reserved, but generally had good humor about him.
Charles also had two older sisters, Caroline and Luisa. Luisa was married to a man who seemed to be a bit too old for her, but Lizzy thought she was nice enough. Caroline, however, was a total snob. She was beautiful and dressed in expensive clothes that seemed to be tailored just for her, but she seemed to know how great she looked and used it to sneer over Lizzy's family's more casual attire. When the meet and greet ended and more guests had arrived, Lizzy, Lydia, and Cathy had found a private spot to bash the snobby woman and her aloof attitude.
Eventually, however, they split up and Lizzy got reacquainted with a lot of friends of the family who hadn't seen her in a long time and had to put up with answering, time and again, the inevitable question of what she was doing with her life at the moment. Eventually, she stopped seeking people out and even tried to slink to the corner of the room so she couldn't be seen.
Soon the dance floor was opened and Charles led Jane out; Lizzy secretly thought it was probably so he could get a moment alone with his bride to be. Either way, it was satisfying watching Charlie and Jane so happy together; it lifted her spirit, which was a nice change of pace. Lizzy was not used to dwelling in unhappiness for very long; she was always the kind of person that bounced back from bad news relatively quickly. She was sarcastic and her wit was a bit sharp at times, but generally, she was a happy person who liked to find humor in the situations and people around her.
It was odd, then, that this melancholy feeling had hung around for so long. As a result, she was forced to admit that her short-lived relationship with Darcy had meant more to her than she tried to convince herself it did. So often she found herself wanting to share a joke, or a story she heard, or run an idea by him for his input.
She couldn't help but be reminded of the summer Jane had gone to camp and she had stayed home; with no phones, they were reduced to sending letters, but it wasn't the same as being able to freely communicate and Lizzy had spent the summer feeling like she was missing a part of herself. Jesus, was that what was happening? Somehow Darcy had become an integral part of her life and she was missing him more than she thought she could miss someone who was so unlike her in many ways; silent, brooding, always suspicious of other people's motives. In others, though, they were almost identical. They were both smart, loyal, stubborn, with an unhealthy refusal to back down.
Lizzy noticed her mother coming closer, so she took her drink and attempted to disappear before it was too late. She wandered semi-aimlessly through the crowd, exchanging polite smiles with whoever met her eye. Eventually, she made her way to the bar and slid onto a stool. She dropped off her drink but refused a refill – she was too numb to want to overdrink at her sister's engagement party. She checked the time and calculated how much longer she would have to stay before it was sociably acceptable to duck out. It wasn't that she was eager to leave Jane, but with Jane head over heels in love and exorbitantly happy, she doubted she would be missed in this instance.
"Lizzy," a voice called and a hand was on her shoulder she turned to see an unexpected face.
"Sam," she said, with a surprised smile. "What are you doing here?"
"Workin'," he said with a shrug. He was dressed as one of the caterers. "You?"
"My sister's party," she explained with a gesture to Jane. Sam spared her a glance before turning back to Lizzy.
"Nice. This Bingley guy's loaded, eh?" Sam said with appreciation. Lizzy shrugged but didn't reply. She was sure Charles wasn't poor, but it wasn't his family who was paying for this party, it was hers. "Well, you look like you could use a break; come on back, I've got a fifteen."
Lizzy followed him back to the kitchens, grateful for a reprieve from the party. He led her around a few corridors before they were in a room with a table and some chairs. A TV was set up in the corner and was currently on the news, but no one was watching it. Three other guys sat around the table, two of whom were smoking. They sat up at attention when she walked in but at Sam's gesture, they relaxed. He introduced her to them, and Lizzy smiled and made small talk for a few minutes, but honestly, it all felt like she was just going through the motions and she didn't even quite catch their names.
Someone was quick to pull out a deck of cards, so Lizzy sat in on a game of poker, ready to lose whatever spare cash she had on her. Sam and his friends were nice enough; one was a little too flirty while the other two were a little too stiff, but Lizzy found their conversation much easier than some of the interrogations she had faced from her mother's friends.
They were just dealing another hand when Lizzy's attention wandered to the TV, which was still playing the news on low. Something the news anchor said further grabbed her attention, and she asked if someone could turn it up for a minute. Obligingly, one of them did so without commented and they all focused on the TV for a minute to see what had caught her attention.
"-bodies have finally been identified as Juan Ruiz, Eliot Gutiérrez, Spencer Navarro, and Viarmo Rodriguez," the woman reported soberly as four pictures of men in their twenties replaced her on the screen. Lizzy froze- her heart pounding so loudly she was sure everyone in the room could hear. The faces on the screen were strangers, but she had memorized those names ever since she had passed them onto JJ. "Sources on the scene confirm these men were heavily involved in gang activity which may have led to their deaths. With the rise in crime over the last year, citizens are gravely concerned that these deaths will not be the last, and that an increase in theft and violent crime will be further cause to-"
Lizzy didn't hear anymore after that. All she could hear in her head was Darcy accusing her of facilitating murder. Was it that her handiwork was thrust upon her so unexpectedly that caused her throat to close up and her breathing to become so erratic?
"Lizzy, are you-" Sam put his hand on her shoulder but she jumped up, making some lame excuse about having to go and hurried out of the room.
She heard one of the other carters say something about how she must have known one of the guys before the door slammed behind her. She leaned against it, her heart still beating wildly and her breaths now coming in gasps, feeling as if she had run miles to get here rather than feet. In an almost blind panic, she rushed back out to the floor, intent on leaving. When she collided with the crowd of people, however, she changed tactics and just found the nearest bathroom, shoving someone out of the way; she ignored the indigent 'Excuse me!' and locked the door behind her.
Once she was sitting down, her hands in her head, she thought it would get better. It was still hard to breathe, her heart still beat rhythm that was becoming almost painful, and, possibly due to the lack of oxygen, the room was beginning to spin as well. Still, all she could think of was those four pictures on the screen and Darcy's voice, accusing her of killing them. What did she think would happen when she found out the names of the men who had almost, albeit accidentally, killed JJ's sister? Who were, in fact, actively trying to kill members of the gang he was second-in-command of?
Somehow the excuses she told herself - they would be killed either way, that they were gang members and not exactly innocent members of society, that they knew what they were getting into when they agreed to try and kill other people – none of it could calm her heart. She had been involved in their murder and nothing could stop the sound in her head of her nonchalantly giving up their names to JJ, or the sound of Darcy calling what she did murder.
"Lizzy?" Jane knocked gently on the door. Lizzy reached up and unlocked it, then scooted out of the way to let her sister in. "Lizzy, what happened?" she asked, her voice full of empathy as she kneeled on the dirty bathroom floor in her beautiful dress to embrace her sister. Somehow, that just made Lizzy feel worse and tears began streaming down her face on top of the gasps of breaths.
"I'm a mess," was all she could get out. "I ca-can't breathe."
Jane pulled back to look her over, placing a hand over Lizzy's heart to feel the erratic rhythm it was beating.
"Shhh," Jane soothed her hair back, pushing her head between her knees and rubbing her back in a soothing motion. "Try to take as long a breath as you can, and blow it out as much as you can," she instructed. Lizzy tried to comply. "That's right. Whatever's running through your mind right now, try and stop it. Don't struggle with what's happening or try to stop it, just try and breath through it and focus on something else."
The first image that popped into her head was Jane and Charles smiling at each other on the dance floor, so obviously and ridiculously in love. Her heartbeat slowed and she was able to take a longer breath. She thought of how great Charles was, how he worshipped her sister, and how much Jane deserved to be worshipped; how they would probably have eight kids and be the best parents; patient, kind, loving.
"There," Jane said, pulling her up to a sitting position. "I think you just had a panic attack. Has that ever happened to you before?" Lizzy shook her head. "I'd like you to get it checked out of course, but if it's just one instance it might not be something to worry about. Can I ask what brought it on?" Lizzy shuddered as the image of those four boys passed through her head. "Maybe later," Jane amended.
"Thanks, Jane," Lizzy finally said, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. "I'm sorry I ruined your party."
"Ruined it?" Jane asked with a little laugh. "Don't be so dramatic, Lizzy. "
"You're about to marry the love of your life and start a whole new chapter. Aren't you getting a little sick of taking care of your screwed up little sister?" Lizzy asked with more feeling than she meant.
"Never," Jane said firmly. "And you know I don't think of you like that. And I wouldn't let anyone else call you that, so I don't want to hear it from you, either," she pulled Lizzy to a standing position and brushed off her dress. "And you know if you ever need me I'm just a phone call away," she hesitated a moment before continuing, her voice becoming more gentle. "I know your breakup with Will was hard-"
"This isn't about Will," Lizzy cut her off with a shake of her head. "I'm just sick of making so many mistakes."
"You don't make as many mistakes as you think you do, and no one is perfect Lizzy; there are going to be times when you mess up," Jane told her gently. "Don't be so hard on yourself."
"It's just when I make a mistake I really go for it and almost ruin my life," Lizzy went to the sink and splashed her face with water. Jane stepped over and pulled a paper towel free for her.
"Well, maybe you should start making smaller mistakes more often and don't wait to save them all up for one big one," Jane suggested with a bit of a smile. Lizzy took the proffered paper towel and dried her face.
"Good advice," she kind of laughed. Jane put a comforting hand on her back.
"Are you okay?" she asked with concern.
"I think so," Lizzy said truthfully. "Thanks."
They left the bathroom together and Jane brought her along to spend some time with her and Charles. The nature of the party didn't allow her to eat up too much of their time, however, and soon she found herself alone once more. Halfway across the room, she could hear her mother crowing loudly about something, no doubt Jane's luck in 'catching' Charles, and she sighed, secure in the knowledge that this would never be her life.
If she ever did get married, it would be a quick trip to city hall to sign some papers and get on with their day. She would probably live together with the guy for a few years before, one day when her mother finally gave up on her ever getting married, they would announce they had been to city hall the day before and were now married.
Lost in her thoughts of her very practical and very pretend wedding and how much it would annoy her mother, Lizzy almost didn't see when a newcomer had entered the room. It was understandable; the place was packed. This particular newcomer, however, was someone she had become accustomed to noticing enter a room, who was striking enough in jeans and a dirty t-shirt but who was now dressed to the nines in an actual suit; his hair even tamed for the occasion. It took several moments of her staring at him before her brain caught up with her eyes; she gasped aloud when she recognized him and found herself once more with shortness of breath and a pounding heart that was, thankfully, not as serve as her episode merely a half-hour before.
"Ah, William is finally here," she heard a voice say from the right of her. Lizzy glanced over to see Charles' sister Caroline attempt to look as bored as she ever was but who couldn't hide the interest in her face when she looked at him.
"William?" Lizzy repeated, looking back as he approached Charles and got his attention. Charles looked delighted to see him; they exchanged enthusiastic, if very manly, hugs. Lizzy wondered if her mind was playing tricks on her and doubted this could be her Will. She couldn't help but think of that Sinead O'Connor song – It's been seven hours and fifteen days since you took your love away. She had indulged her broken heart with the song on repeat before Charlotte had come home and she knew if she let herself think about it for just a moment she could come up with the exact day and hour she had last seen Will, but her mind was busy studying his every movement. He smiled at Charles and she hated him for being able to smile, even though she knew she had moments of real happiness since their breakup.
"William Darcy of course. He'll be Charles's best man." Caroline informed her with a bit of incredulity that she didn't already know. "There was some talk that he couldn't make it due to work, but it looks like he arrived after all."
Caroline paused as they both watched Charles and Will exchanging words they were too far away to make out. He looked less pissed off and she wondered if this was the real Will, if she had ever really known him at all – had she only been in love with Will O'Mara the whole time?
"You will excuse me, I must say hello." Caroline finally ran off, no doubt waiting as long as she could before greeting him.
Lizzy could spare no thought or feeling on the woman's eager attitude and what it could mean about their relationship. She was solely focused on wondering if he knew she was here, if he knew who Charles was marrying, and if he came here hoping to see or avoid her. Charles began looking around and before Caroline could make it to them, he led Will over to where Jane was. Lizzy followed closely with her gaze intent on seeing his reaction to being introduced to Jane.
Her heart was pounding, and even more so when she saw the mutual look of shock on both her sister and her ex-boyfriend's face. They tentatively shook hands, but Charles had seen their reactions at the meeting and made an inquiry. Jane answered as Will began looking around, clearly scanning the crowd for someone. Lizzy ducked behind a pillar. Jane joined in the apparent search for her, looking more closely at where Lizzy was.
In a panic, Lizzy pulled out her cell and texted her sister.
Don't find me. I'm behind the pillar near the DJ. I need to leave.
In a moment of that sisterly bond they shared, she watched her sister, who had been ignoring her phone all evening, took it out to check her message. She immediately looked up to where Lizzy was hiding and then gave a short, almost imperceptible nod before steering Charles and Will towards the other side of the room. Lizzy didn't wait long before she slipped out of her hiding spot and made her way, rushed but not running to the front door and the valet.
Too late she realized she had come with her mother and step-father and she would have to take a cab home. Of course, Jane came to her rescue once more.
"Blue Honda," she said to the valet. "I'll ride home with Charles."
"I'll tip you $20 if you get here insanely fast," Lizzy added. His eyes widened a bit before he took off running with Jane's ticket in his hand. "Thanks, Jane."
"I take it you didn't know he was Charles best friend?" Jane asked with a smile.
"I didn't know," Lizzy admitted. "He never really talked about himself."
"Well, he seemed eager to see you, are you sure…" Jane trailed off because Lizzy was already shaking her head.
"I can't," she whispered. Jane put her hand on her shoulder in a comforting manner. "I'm sorry to leave so soon and so dramatically."
"It's alright," Jane said with an easy smile. "We're getting both of our families together, there is bound to be some drama involved."
The valet pulled up, stopping with a bit of a screech. Lizzy dutifully handed him a twenty, thanked Jane again, and got into her car. She was just pulling away when she saw Will exit the building, looking after the car as it fled the parking lot. Right before she turned out onto the street she saw him turn to Jane to say something. After all this time wanting to see him at least once more and she had run when given the chance.
She was mad at herself and thought about turning around, but it was too just painful. He would no doubt talk about how things were going with the case against Wickham and ask her how things were going for her in the neighborhood, but she was sick of talking about the same old things. The only thing she wanted to hear from him was that he had made a mistake and he would make it work between them no matter what, but of course, that was the one thing he wouldn't say.
If she had known he was coming she could have played out one of her many fantasies of being dressed to the nines, dancing, and flirting with a cute and charming man as he looked on in jealousy. Or perhaps been able to angrily tell him off for the danger she was in thanks to him, overplaying how suspicious Wickham was and how it was only a matter of time before he came after her; let his conscious punish him for leaving her.
Of course, that was a bit too close to the truth and the truth of her situation was what she had been hoping to avoid this weekend. Truthfully, hurt feelings and murderous criminals aside, she had just wanted to hang out with him. Get to know Darcy the detective, who his family was, where he had grown up. All the things she never got around to asking because he had been so secretive and she hadn't wanted to push him into trusting her with personal and real information about himself.
On the ride back to her mother's house, she imagined what it would have been like to just spend the night with him, introducing him to friends and learning where he and Charles had met. Dancing, drinking, flirting. She sighed with longing, wishing more than anything that she had the power to make it come true. Unfortunately, she lived in a world where men were possible trying to kill her, and the man who most wanted to keep her safe stayed away to do just that.