Alien Admiral Fucks First Officer

Chapter Two: Examination

Faro made her way to Thrawn's office like a woman possessed. Multiple stormtroopers, officers, and technicians acknowledged her as she passed, but Faro ignored them all. By the time she reached her destination, her face told Thrawn's guards everything they needed to know about granting her entry. They opened the door for her without a word.

"Commodore Faro. I would have sent for you soon." Thrawn welcomed her into his office. He gestured for her to take a seat across from him at his desk. In the middle of the desk was a paused holovideo featuring a blue man in white embracing a human lover from behind, his fingers midway through the task of removing her top. The pair faced away from Karyn, but she had an easy enough time guessing who they were supposed to be.

"You've already heard about the possible security breach on the Chimaera, sir?" Her face burned as she spoke. She could hardly take her eyes off the holoimage.

Thrawn, by contrast, showed no sign of emotion. That was almost worse. "Indeed. You are familiar with the way in which all holonet browsing on Imperial ships is monitored, yes Commodore?"

Faro swallowed. "I am familiar with the fact that traffic is monitored, yes. I do not know the exact process by which it is done, sir."

"Hm. I suppose the exact details are not important here. Regardless, I was forwarded a copy of one Ensign Kydo's browsing history in the early hours of this morning. That in itself is unusual, as it is no one's duty to regulate the holonet usage of any subordinate. Unless, of course, they are engaged in activities deemed detrimental to the fleet or the Empire, in which case their activity is flagged by software for further review." He leaned back, a pointedly neutral expression on his face. "That is what I have been doing here, Commodore. Reviewing the evidence."

"Have you checked your quarters, sir? Have you found the camera on which this was recorded yet? Have you pulled a list of everyone who was granted access to your quarters and searched for a motive? I can do those things right now for you, sir. No one invades your privacy and gets away with it."

Thrawn raised a hand, preventing her from continuing. "Let us not come to any premature conclusions. In your embarrassment, Commodore, I suspect you have forgotten something."

Faro froze in her tracks. "What have I forgotten, sir?"

"Your list of tasks operates under the assumption that the holovideo before us is truthful about what it claims to portray. That it indeed features the two of us engaged in physical passion. Should you pursue your agenda now, you will be conceding as much to anyone you involve in your search for the supposed spy. Let us not violate that statute unless we have no other choice."

"You… you think this holovideo may be a falsehood, sir?" It was almost too much to hope for.

"I do. Tell me, Commodore. Have you yet had a chance to view the evidence for yourself?"

"No, sir. I have been dealing with the ensigns who discovered this supposed breach."

"Ah. You spoke to the ensign who first found this recording the previous night?"

"Yes, sir."

"Hm. I almost wish I could do so myself, though I suppose it would be redundant. I would like to know what Ensign Kydo finds so fascinating about technical incest among non-blood relations."

Technical incest? What was Thrawn talking about? Wait. "Are you talking about pornography between step-siblings, sir?"

"Yes. I suppose it isn't relevant to our concerns, but the advertisements certainly caught my eye."

"It is a rather common category of pornography, sir. As are relations between stepmothers and stepsons."

"And relations between members of separate species, it would seem. For all the planets that ban such unions, there certainly is an abundance of evidence that many secretly enjoy watching them take place. Take this holovideo, for example," Thrawn gestured to the paused image. He turned it around so Faro could see the faces. "The hosting website boasts that despite only being available for a standard day, this particular holovideo has already caught the attention of over a million voyeurs."

A wave of nausea crashed into Faro. She resisted the urge to double over. "Oh stars."

Thrawn watched her with a quiet intensity. "Tell me, Commodore. Now that you can see the fronts of these individuals, do you notice anything peculiar about them?"

Faro gulped. She needed to pull herself together. If Thrawn believed the people in this holovid were not the two of them, he must have a reason for it. She wanted as much as him to believe this was all a ploy. But in order for them to argue they were being framed, they would need a way to prove it to others.

The first place Faro looked was the couple's faces. The woman had her eyes closed in an embarrassing swoon, lips parted as if she was moaning. Her lips were painted bright red, smeared slightly as if she'd been kissed previous to this frame in the holovid. A quick look at the marks on the man's (not Thrawn's, she would call him Thrawn) neck provided a decent enough explanation.

"The woman is wearing cosmetics, sir. As I am not obligated by military standards to paint my face, I do not own any."

"I noticed that as well, Commodore. Unfortunately, I don't consider it definitive enough proof. An opponent could argue that you donned cosmetics for the occasion and then destroyed them when this holovideo came out as a way of covering your tracks. I want you to find something less easily refutable." Thrawn paused. "A shame the cosmetics are so heavy. They obscure the woman's facial features to a degree. Otherwise, we would know for certain how similar her face is to your own. Her hair, height, and skin tone are all comparable to yours."

Faro nodded. She turned her attention from the woman to the man, whose eyes were half open in a tense focus. She tried to dismiss the thoughts, but her mind was still on the subject of cosmetics. And that was when she noticed. "His eyes. They do seem to be red like yours, sir, but they don't emit light of their own. Even though you should see a slight reflection on this woman's shoulder based on her position," she used a finger to point out what she meant, "there is none. The man's eyes are not a light source. They aren't yours, sir."

"Correct. I suspect they are contacts. If you examined further, you may have also noticed the absence of red coloration around this man's lower lid. These two facts taken together indicate to me that the man in this holovideo is not a Chiss at all. If I had to guess, he is most likely a Pantoran wearing eye modifications. There are other anatomical differences that tell me this information, but none that would be noticeable when I am fully clothed. As for the woman… turn your attention to her breasts, which are just becoming visible in this frame. Here, I will skip to a frame in which they are more prominent."

Thrawn fast forwarded through the process of the woman's uniform tunic being removed and her bra coming unclasped. He paused as the undergarment was falling to the floor, suspending the item in midair. "As you can confirm, this woman's breasts are noticeably larger than your own. I would like to avoid using this evidence in our case if possible, as asking me to admit as much means I have observed your breasts in any sort of capacity. I only point it out for our personal sakes. If I took us even further into this holovideo, you would also see that this woman lacks hair in the area surrounding her genitals. Until today, I did not know that some human women don't grow hair in that region."

Faro was really glad they were the only two people in the room. Otherwise, the awkwardness of this examination would go from deeply uncomfortable to downright unbearable. She crossed her legs on instinct, fighting the simultaneous urge to cross her arms over her chest. "I… agree my bodily proportions differ from those of this woman, sir. As for the subject of pubic hair, all human women develop it. Some just make the cosmetic choice to remove it by means of shaving or waxing. It is the same story with leg and armpit hair. The practice began with a corporate advertising campaign wanting to expand the presence of female customers in the shaving market."

"I see. Thank you for that insight, Commodore." Thrawn turned the holoimage back around. "I see now that many aspects of pornography can be deceptive."

"You've… examined that particular porn video extensively, haven't you sir?"

"I have watched it several times in its entirety, yes. I was just starting to pick it apart frame by frame when you came in." Thrawn looked from the image to Faro several times. He took in her disturbed expression and did his best to relieve her concerns. "Do not confuse my intent for doing so, Commodore. I am attentive only to the ways we can prove to those outside this room that this holovideo includes neither you nor I in its contents. Much as I wish the… dialogue between the pair were enough, it is not definitive evidence."

"Are their voices that dissimilar to ours, sir?"

"Not just that. Whoever… dare I say scripted this sequence has clearly never encountered either one of us. My imposter's extensive use of Basic curse words is an obvious consequence of that. The woman intended to be you is worse; I could never imagine her reaching a commodore's rank in the Imperial Navy. Her speech and demeanor show no indication of intelligence." Thrawn stiffened. "I understand the appeal of pornography lies beyond its participants' conversations, but there is a reason I have not played the holovideo with its sound on for you, Commodore. More than embarrass you, I suspect you would find your portrayal enraging."

"If what you say is true, I probably would." Faro wasn't sure how relieved she should feel by this development. On the one hand, it was nice to know no one had actually filmed her and Thrawn enjoying each other's company. On the other, it meant someone had sought out and filmed imposters of the two of them having sex, then posted the results to a porn site for the consumption of millions. Who would do that? Why would they do that? Were there really no better ways to ruin her and Thrawn's reputations?

She cleared her throat. "Is there any other evidence you think we could collect to prove we are not featured in the holovideo, sir? To whom are we presenting this evidence?"

Thrawn answered her questions in reverse order. "We are presenting our findings to Colonel Yularen, Commodore. I wish to request the assistance of his more cyber savvy subordinates in tracking down the true culprits behind this holovideo. What we have witnessed here today is an attack on our reputation and dignity, nothing less. I would like to find the makers of this holovideo, force them to confess their wrongdoings, and erase their creation from the holonet to the best of the Empire's ability.

"As for further evidence, there is one more thing we can examine." He removed the porn holoimage from his projector, bringing up a schematic of his quarters instead. "I would like us to examine the layout of my private quarters together. If my theory is correct, there is no way for anyone to plant a camera that would both capture the scene this pornography scene alleges while also escaping my notice."

"I understand, sir. How exactly would we test your theory regarding the camera?"

And so the two of them got to work, using the relative location of the actors and the bed they soon occupied (which did not match Thrawn's in any way) to discern if there was any place to hide the camera in Thrawn's quarters. Faro proposed that it would be possible for the camera to simply camouflage with the ceiling or maintain a miniature size to avoid detection, but Thrawn countered by reminding her of his infrared vision. He often stared up at the ceiling of his quarters while drifting off to sleep. He didn't know of any electronic device that didn't emit a certain degree of heat, and the only other electronic devices in that area were the lights. No one would place a camera by the lights to hide the camera's heat signature because that would ruin the camera's recordings.

The pair looked into a few other things about the holovideo before Thrawn was satisfied. Once he was convinced they had enough proof to offer Yularen, Thrawn made the call. Faro was prepared to leave at that moment, but Thrawn motioned for her to join him, so she stood at the edge of Thrawn's desk, her posture professionally erect.

"Grand Admiral Thrawn. To what do I owe this pleasure?" Yularen didn't notice Faro at first. Was she not in the holocomm's range?

"Nothing pleasant, I am afraid. Commodore Faro and I," Thrawn motioned for her to step forward. Faro did, careful to keep distance between her and Thrawn, "have been investigating a purported security breach of a rather odd nature. A recording claiming to feature the two of us has gained popularity on the holonet. While we are prepared to prove it is not genuine, the contents of said recording are defamatory in nature. I would like to request assistance in tracking down the holovideo's creator so that they may be duly punished."

"I see. Greetings to you as well, Commodore Faro." Yularen inclined his head towards her. She acknowledged him in turn. "This recording you speak of, Grand Admiral. Could it be the one my cyber unit is currently having a field day with? Are its contents of a pornographic nature, by chance?"

"They are. I did not realize ISB had already discovered the holovideo in question."

"Who do you think forwarded you the information, Grand Admiral? A monitoring program caught your ensign accessing the video last night. It is ISB's duty to examine every instance the program flags to determine if what it found constitutes an actual threat to the Empire or its military. Members of the cyber unit are, at this time, divided over whether your case does indeed present a threat. If it as you say and the holovideo did not actually come from your flagship, it would seem the nays have the victory. I understand why you and your commodore would be displeased with the holovideo, but I am not convinced it is within the bureau's purview to take action against it."

"Colonel Yularen. Is it not Imperial law that defamation of high ranking officials in the Empire is to be deemed treasonous? Is the investigation and prevention of treason not ISB's explicit purpose?" Faro interjected, an edge to her voice.

"I am aware of the law you reference, Commodore, but understand that its application so far has been limited to Moffs, Senators, Governors, and the Emperor himself. The law does not explicitly include military officers. Furthermore, and understand that I have not seen the holovideo itself, but it is the opinion of one of my subordinates that the holovideo may not meet the threshold for defamation. He reasons that since it does not name either one of you specifically, the makers of the pornography could argue that any resemblences you find are not intentional."

"Forgive me, Colonel, but I find that assessment lacking." Thrawn took over from there. "The very title of the holovideo is, and I quote directly, 'Alien Admiral Fucks First Officer'. If you can name another 'alien admiral' in the Empire's ranks, I would certainly be interested in hearing it. Furthermore, the holovideo itself features a black haired, blue skinned humanoid in red contacts. Though I suspect the actor himself is Pantoran, the inclusion of red contacts cannot be a mistake. I am very much intended to be the man portrayed in this scene. On Commodore Faro's side, the specific labeling of the pornography actress as my 'first officer' ought to be proof enough. If it is not, the human actresses' costume and hair are modeled to match Faro's own appearance. Again, this cannot be unintentional.

"On the subject of whether the law can be applied to high ranking military officials, I see no reason it cannot. Bar explicit exclusion in the law's wording, I would think the commodore and I are protected by this statute just as much as any civilian politician would be."

Colonel Yularen nodded, mollified. "I concede your points, Grand Admiral. ISB will investigate your case immediately. I will take your word that the holovideo itself is faked. Just so we're clear: the actions depicted in the holovideo you describe are works of utter fiction. There is no sexual relationship between you and your first officer."

"That is correct, Colonel." To sell the bit, Thrawn gave Faro an exaggeratedly disinterested glance. "For all my years among humans, I have yet to discern what they consider attractive about themselves. Across the board, they are a thin, short, temperamental species. I would sooner die alone than I would lay a hand on a human woman… no offense to you personally, Commodore."

Just because Faro knew what Thrawn was doing didn't prevent his insults from stinging. Out of spite, she decided to rib him back. "None taken, Grand Admiral sir. I respect your intellect, but your sentiment regarding passion is mutual. Where I come from, sexual relations with a nonhuman is considered beastiality with no exceptions. The thought of sleeping outside my species, much less with a superior officer, is a betrayal of my values."

"I… this incident seems to have touched a nerve among the two of you. Forgive me. I just had to confirm there was no lead to pursue there." Yularen hesitated, then nodded. "I accept your statements. I witnessed greater chemistry in a holodocumentary about the Clone Wars' origins. ISB will keep the Chimaera updated, Grand Admiral."

"Thank you for your time, Colonel." Thrawn ended the call.

Faro promptly stepped out from behind him. She was about to leave once more when she noticed a mix of concern and amusement in Thrawn's eyes. "Yes, sir?"

"Is what you said about your home planet true, Commodore?"

"Yes, sir. That is the law on Kohmbra. For the human, at least. Any nonhuman in this context faces, shall we say, additional consequences."

"I see. It explains why you are more concerned than I by the present incident," Thrawn mused. He remained silent in thought for a minute, then remembered. "Ah. You are dismissed, Commodore."

Should Faro apologize now or later? She was worried an apology now would cross the line into verbal affection, something she and Thrawn had promised to avoid during their shifts. Later it would have to be, then.

"Thank you, sir."

So she'd gone a little far. This incident was all kinds of weird and had her all sorts of stressed. It was understandable for the two of them to be a bit testy, wasn't it?

At least, that's what Faro told herself. She went about the rest of her shift in tense hyperfocus, daring anyone else to question her about the porn video. After hearing what happened to Ensign Kydo, no one did.

A/N's: I didn't this update would be ready as fast as it is, but here y'all go. I was particularly inspired to write this chapter, as am I to get to the fourth and sixth chapter of this fic. The third and fifth are also important to the plot, but I don't have many opportunities for humor in those.

So the porn video is fake. Turns out, Yularen didn't need Thrawn's detailed analysis after all. The idea that Thrawn spent his morning watching porn alone in his office is pretty fun to consider, though.

Well, until next time. Thank you to everyone who shows support for this fic. Know that your support inspires me deeply!