Notes: Couvade Syndrome affects first-time fathers and manifests itself with pregnancy-like symptoms.
Stroopwafels are waffle-like cookies filled with caramel and accompanied by tea or coffee. They originate in the Netherlands.
mei is Dutch for May.
Nothing personal against the name Femke, it was the first one that came to mind.
Changes
For the moment, Lars and Mei tried to live in the same space without getting in the way. In the morning they each went to their respective jobs and when they returned, they took care of their own. Although Mei was in charge of the kitchen and made him eat breakfast and lunch. He also started to accompany her to her gynecologist's appointments. The first time he saw the sonogram, he was excited and smiled at Mei. She smiled back at him forcibly. This wasn't how she wanted to live out her pregnancy. It wasn't how she wanted to start a family, if she could call it that.
Since Mei started living with Lars again, he could finally breath more peacefully. It wasn't as if he wanted to control her, it was more about having the assurance that she would be protected, and that he would do his duty as her husband. He wanted her to have a comfortable and healthy pregnancy. Besides, that baby was his too, he wanted to give it the love and attention it deserved. Even if he didn't know how, he would try to be a good father.
"You seem calmer lately," commented Ludwig, who already knew he had come back with Mei.
"I am not really, with Mei pregnant and going to work is all I think about," he said without reflecting.
"I'm sure she's careful; plus, you go to school for her, right?" he asked.
Lars nodded and then smiled nervously.
"I still can't believe I'm going to be a dad," he admitted.
"Take it easy. I know you'll do a great job by taking care of Mei and the baby"
Mei, thought Lars, pulling the picture out of the drawer again. It was actually nice to think they were building a home. If he could use that term. Looking at the picture, he wondered if he could ever love her. He wasn't sure. How could he be? Now that she no longer had the task of bringing him back, she no longer spent time with him. They only talked at dinner time and still felt an invisible barrier separating them. He wanted to regain her trust and see her as happy as before. He wondered if she would still love him, most likely not, he thought. Although, the situation with Stacy had been a trap, it was logical that that, added to the time they spent apart, would end up for destroying that affection he complained so much about at first.
Looking at her closely, he could now understand that Mei was a woman who hid more than let him see. She was much more than she seemed at first glance. For him that sweet smile didn't fit her melancholy gaze and if he added that things between them were going badly because of misunderstandings, he didn't expect her to open her heart so suddenly. Probably only the old Lars had access, but he wasn't there anymore.
If he had to be honest to himself, he would say that he wasn't at all calm about his relationship with Mei and the pregnancy. The more noticeable the pregnancy was, Lars felt more anxious to see her leave every morning and carry that heavy bag along with all her materials for her classes. So, he wanted to keep an eye on her, started taking her to work, picking her up and following her wherever she went. Often, Mei would decline his help, but he always wanted to intervene, which made her nervous. There were still some grudges held, even though she didn't want to admit it.
"Mei, I don't think you should stretch out like that. Let me get the plates for you."
In doing so, they both released one at the same time causing it to crash to the floor. At that moment, something inside her exploded. It wasn't that she was bothered by the help, but by the constant surveillance. She had promised herself to stay away from him, so that when they decided to separate, because that was what would happen, she wouldn't be able to feel that intense pain again, but the more she tried to put her distance away, he went after her more insistently. It was impossible to avoid this closeness, which irritated her.
"Look what you did. I told you, I can stand on my own two feet. I am not useless. Leave me alone!" Mei expressed.
He was silent, ashamed and at the same time sorry, because it sounded exactly like what he had told her that time. The intention was the same: to help, to be useful to her, make her feel comfortable, but it only overwhelmed her. She looked at him with resentful eyes. At that moment he thought that they were more similar than he thought.
"I'm sorry, but I am worried about you, you know very well that you shouldn't stretch like that" he said, trying to be patient as he picked up the pieces of the plate.
She rolled her eyes and sighed reluctantly.
However, Mei ended up accepting his help as she needed it, and if she wanted to be at peace with him, she had to be more tolerant. Lars didn't intend to harass her with such attention, she knew how he used to be when it came to taking care of her. Now his assistance had become indispensable, he helped her calm her morning sickness, pulled her hair back when she threw up and scrubbed her back while doing so. He stopped drinking coffee to get her away from that smell. Giving up his morning coffee was a small sacrifice compared to the discomfort she was experiencing, but he too was beginning to dislike the smell anyway, and as soon as he noticed it, he began to feel dizzy.
Other times, he would massage her calves to relieve her cramps, and once again he was with her on that. Suddenly, he didn't feel very well, his head, back or legs hurt, he became more irritable and sensitive than usual and started to feel disgusted by strong odors. Added to the anxiety of thinking about Mei, he thought he was going crazy.
"You seem to have Couvade's syndrome," Ludwig told him, showing him an article on parenthood. Then he smiled.
"It's not funny, I feel terrible."
"You'll get over it. Besides, you are not the one carrying the hardest part," he said, looking at Mei's picture.
"You know, I don't even think that's possible."
"You said yourself it was a matter of two, well it seems that this too," he added, unable to avoid smiling again.
Lars was not amused; he was so upset at the time that he couldn't focus. Although it was true that it wasn't his body that was changing and he wouldn't be the one to give birth, so he couldn't imagine how much more complicated it was for her. He thought of a way to make her feel better. Then he wanted to compensate her by fulfilling all her cravings, however rare they might be. Whatever and whenever she said would be a yes for him.
One night he woke up in a hurry when he heard someone lurking in the apartment. It was Mei poking around in the kitchen looking for food. Even though he wanted her to eat healthy, he ended up going to a 24-hour fast food restaurant and ordering to take-out. Mei hadn't wanted to, but the craving outweighed her desire to check the nutritional value. He returned shortly after and she was waiting for him with the table already set, and then they both smiled as they realized they had eaten a couple of burgers and some big fries in no time. She looked happy, but worried because she had made him go out so late.
"I promise it won't happen again," she said.
"It's ok, besides I was hungry too," he answered and wiped the corner of her mouth with a napkin.
Mei was grateful that it was a warm night, because she knew that she had blushed with that gesture. He kept making her nervous, but for different reasons. She was still very attracted to him, she wanted to hug him after those dizzy spells, cry with him when she got sentimental and he would hug her and comfort her. But for the time being she was content not to make his life more difficult with her temper, her resentment and the inconveniences it caused her, and instead she prepared for him what he liked to eat, let him rest when he came home from work and put cute notes in his lunch, so that he would see that she appreciated his help.
One of those quiet Saturdays, the rain was falling and there was nothing else to do. Mei would have wanted to go for a walk, but she was afraid she would slip. So, she took a bag of stroopwafels and poured a cup of tea. She put everything on a tray and went quietly to her bedroom. She didn't want to disturb Lars while he was reading. He looked away from the book and followed her with his gaze.
"If you need something, I can take it to you so you don't have to get up all the time. You watch your favorite show at this hour, don't you?" Lars asked.
"Yes, but I don't want to bother you," she excused herself.
"I don't mind, I am not doing anything important."
Mei hesitated and agreed. She felt a bit sad, but consoled herself caressing her belly very lovingly, as if to tell the baby that she would love it more than anyone else. Not noticing that Lars was watching her from the door.
"Is it alright if I join you?" he asked.
"Sure. There are still more cookies in the cupboard."
He came back with a cup of tea and more stroopwafels. They ate in silence, while she watched TV. Although it was an interesting episode of her favorite series, she couldn't help but be distracted by Lars, she didn't understand why he couldn't leave her alone, but at the same time she didn't want him to go. He seemed indifferent to the series, but he watched it anyway. After Mei had finished her portion of stroopwafels, she told him that she didn't like them before, but since she was pregnant, she craved them so much that she couldn't stop eating them. He smiled, thinking that the child would probably be just like him, because he loved them. Then Mei gestured and touched her belly again.
"What's wrong?" he asked, uneasy to the sight of her reaction.
"I just felt a little kick," said Mei happily.
He got excited; it was the first time this happened.
"Can I touch?"
She nodded, took his hand and placed it on her belly. He smiled excitedly as he felt the movement, it was almost magical. His baby was moving and he couldn't help but be touched. It was amazing. Some colleagues had already told him about the odyssey of expecting a baby and even more so having it with them, and also, he had also begun to investigate, but experiencing it was something completely different.
"And have you thought of any names yet? Did you… did we have any in mind?" Lars asked.
"Well, you wanted them to be called Vincent, like your grandfather, or Willen, but we hardly discussed, we thought it was better to wait until a little before the birth. We were going to call them baby bunny in the meantime, but you don't like nicknames anymore," answered Mei bittersweetly.
"No, it's ok, I think it's cute. Vincent and Willem are perfect. We could pick the first one, though," he said. "Of course, if you still agree."
"I do," she said. "I like both names, but if it's a girl I haven't thought of one I like yet," she added, touching her belly again. They had decided not to know the sex of the baby.
He was silent, trying to think of some pretty name.
"What about Femke?" he suggested.
Mei grimaced and shook her head. They spent a long time trying to choose a female name, went through both sides of the family, thought of famous actresses and singers, characters they liked, without success. The reasons were because it didn't match the surnames or reminded them of someone they disliked or just didn't like. Then he thought of his great-grandmother Anri.
"What do you think of Anri?"
She stood there thinking and then smiled.
"I like it. It's short and cute."
They both smiled and Mei evoked one of those night, planning their life together. They would have two boys and a girl, and they would live in a beautiful house with a huge yard in a peaceful neighborhood. Their children would learn to ride their bikes, and play with their friends, while they would work in the garden and be happy. There was a silence between them and Lars was finally encouraged to ask a question that was going through his mind.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to know how we met," he asked, because she had already told him everything else, but that. She smiled and looked down at her belly.
"Well, we met in the month of May. I remember you once told me you liked that month because it reminded you of my name."
They met while she had gone to buy some art supplies. They were walking around unnoticed and crashed, causing her to throw some of her stuff away. He rushed to help her, but had inadvertently ruined some quite expensive material, at that very moment he offered to buy her another, although she refused as it had been an accident. However, he didn't feel right about it, so he bought the material and she, in gratitude, invited him to lunch. That lunch had been such a special occasion that after exchanging phone numbers, they kept texting each other and then started to hang out. Little by little, love was born without them noticing it.
"I always wondered why someone as haughty as you would have noticed me, but as I got to know you, I realized you weren't as arrogant as you seemed," she said, looking down.
"Do I really look like that?"
She nodded in amusement.
"Mei, have I ever hurt you or harmed you in any way?"
She pondered, in compared to their current problems, their relationship had nothing but misunderstandings and petty arguments, like those of any other couple. But there were never any betrayals or unjustified fights. And of course, they ended up talking and reconciling.
"No, you were always a good boyfriend and husband. Though quite impatient, I must say," she added.
"Mei, forgive me for everything I've caused you," he asked, taking her hand in his.
"We'd better forget about it and move on. You explained to me what happened and I forgave you. I am not better either, as you may have noticed" she answered evasively, letting go of him.
He looked at her and thought that they were really so similar, and maybe he should stop not keep harassing her with the same thing. He just wanted to know what their story was. Sometimes, in between dreams, he could see her smiling, he could see himself making a big mess in the kitchen trying to follow some recipe and making another in the bathroom trying to fix something, but they were just illusions. Anyway, he wanted some of those inventions to become a reality.
One Sunday, when Mei had gone shopping with her sister and her friend, Lars looked for something to try to fix. He saw the sink tap keep leaking so he tried to fix it himself. The result was a big puddle and more water everywhere. The repair looked good even if the faucet shook when it was opened, but the constant dripping was gone. When Mei arrived, the first thing she did was look around, then she looked at him and out her hands on her hips waiting for an explanation, shocked to see the kitchen a mess.
"I can explain" he excused himself, his clothes soaking wet.
But instead of claiming him, Mei started laughing. It was the first time in their time living together that she laughed out loud. She even had tears coming out of her eyes. She put one hand on her belly and tried to calm down.
"Oh Lars, you haven't changed after all" she said, still laughing.
"What are talking about?" he asked, because he didn't think it was so bad to repair something as simple as a tap.
"It's just… I'd better not tell you; I've told you too many stories. I'm going to change my clothes, come back and help you clean up."
He assumed that she thought he didn't want to know about those erased years anymore, but as the days went by, she sometimes told him without realizing it and they ended up laughing at their clumsiness during their first date, their first kiss and even their first time. He hadn't felt ashamed to know the story, although she didn't tell all the details of the last event, but she did tell him about their nervousness and their laughter. Mei had a very peculiar way of telling stories that sometimes made her expressions more laughable than what she was telling. Thus, it no longer seemed an idealized form of what their relationship had been.
Lately, they were beginning to speak more frankly and he liked that she was so natural and unpretentious. While they ate, they talked about their days, anecdotes from their work colleagues, about food, about what they would like to eat the next day, in short, about anything no matter how mundane it was. And they also shared more time together, he brought her the cakes and fruits she liked, they went to her check-ups together, to buy clothes and between the two of them chose some nice clothes for the baby.
In the eyes of others, they looked like a young couple expecting their first child, but they thought they were living out that fantasy alone. Of course, Mei hadn't stopped loving him for a second, especially after receiving all his help, but she didn't feel confident enough to try to seduce him. After seeing her suffering from the discomfort of pregnancy and even helping her out of the tub, he had seen enough of her not to find her attractive, she thought. But at least now she accepted it and could live with it. So, she had given up the idea altogether.
"This is horrible," said Mei as she put her phone away.
"What's wrong?"
"I was reading about the discomforts of pregnancy, I don't have some of the one it mentions yet, but I already feel awful about the ones I have," she replied, annoyed.
"Is there any way to relieve them?" he asked.
"Yes, deliver the baby, but I'm still missing the postpartum period I might get stretch marks," she complained, but making a funny face. "Maybe I should buy one of those creams or use some remedy. I'll ask mom if she knows of any," she said, uncovering her belly and looking at herself in the mirror.
He smiled, though a bit worried. He himself had read so many articles on motherhood that he didn't want to know more so that he wouldn't have those troubles too. At least her mother was looking out for her and helping her as much as she could. They made video calls almost every day to show her the progress or she visited her. Although he was still friendly with his mother-in-law, Lars was ashamed to show up after all that drama, but he was content to let her know that her daughter was fine and that she was not missing anything. Even his own mother often called to check on them, and he was glad of that interest.
While Mei was busy with work or drawing some of her projects, he decided to focus on his own as well. He retook one of the drafts and started editing it. He spent some afternoons trying to work on it until he was satisfied with the result. He asked her to read it for a second opinion. She had a web comic with very good comments, so maybe she could help him and give him constructive criticism.
"I loved it, it's very good," she said happily after reading it and mentioned details that she found interesting and appropriate. "I'm glad you decided to continue."
"I think it was thanks to you that I dared to try new things," he timidly said.
She smiled, but shook her head.
"No, I didn't do it. It was your own initiative. You had told me that you would like to write something that wasn't critical, some fiction, but all that was for yourself, you have a great talent and well, I believe in you," she said.
He felt embarrassed, and realized that this is how nice it felt when you are truly esteemed. No like he had believed when Stacy praised him for whatever reason that seemed rather idealized.
"Well, now there's something else I'd like to try," he said, even more embarrassed.
"What is it?" she asked, curious and amused.
"I want to learn how to cook. I know I've been trying, but I still don't feel confident doing it on my own."
"Then I'll help you," she replied.
They started by preparing very simple dishes like soup and ended up baking a cake. It had been fun, even though his attempts at first were horrible. Then he looked at her and wiped the flour off her face. They both smiled and he knew that something was changing.