Chapter 3

…

The healer seemed to have arrived. She was immediately led to Wei Wuxian's chamber. Jiang Cheng who'd been sitting by his side immediately got up to let her examine him. The healer quickly went through her examinations, then turned to Jiang Cheng.

"There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with his physical condition, Clan Leader Jiang. He has weakness though, which can be cured through rest and balanced meals."

Jiang Cheng frowned while Lan Xichen looked like he was slightly baffled. Lan Wangji on the other hand continued to play the guqin. It was as if Lan Wangji had already shut out the entire world, only to focus on playing cleansing music for his cultivation partner.

"With all due respect, is there any possibility that your diagnosis may be wrong?" the harried man asked.

The healer gave him a look of pity. "Clan Leader Jiang, I highly doubt that. The case is pretty simple. There is nothing wrong with his physical condition so far. If there is something wrong with his mental condition, then I cannot really help. However if you still don't believe me, I'm sure you may consult another healer."

Jiang Cheng quickly thanked the healer and she was led out. If what the healer was saying was correct, then Wei Wuxian could definitely get better. There was no need to worry about his health.

Then why did he say he was dying?

"Clan Leader Jiang?" Lan Xichen's voice shook him out of his musings.

"Oh, right! Sorry. Sect Leader Lan, I'm sure you must be tired after your long journey. I will make arrangements for your stay."

"Oh! No, no! I'm afraid this time I must refuse your hospitality. You have been very kind, Clan Leader. But right now I must return to Gusu. Uncle hasn't been keeping well. There must be someone to look after the sect. However," Lan Xichen paused and looked over at Lan Wangji.

Sensing his brother's gaze, Lan Wangji finally stopped playing. A silent exchange seemed to be taking place.

"However, my brother wishes to stay till Master Wei gets better."

Jiang Cheng shifted uncomfortably. After the recent stand-off in the main hall, he was not sure if he and Hanguang-Jun could possibly get along. Yet something told him that as long as Wei Wuxian was in Lotus Pier, Lan Wangji wasn't going anywhere.

"I understand. I will see you off then."

It was late evening by the time Wei Wuxian woke up. He sat up trying to get a bearing of his surroundings. As his senses returned, he felt the exhaustion seep through. Thankfully, the pain had subsided. Then seeing that he was alone in his chamber, he allowed himself a few moments of relaxation.

What is love without respect?

The words stung him as the memory of that morning hit him. That's what he had said to Lan Wangji, that one person who had always respected him. How ironic! In the end, it was he who had failed to respect Lan Wangji.

He wondered what had happened after he'd fainted. If the Lan Sect members had left then he wouldn't blame them. He had been quite rude and perhaps it was for the best.

"So even when I'm the victim, it's still my fault! Not fair!" He said to the empty room.

"Wei Ying?"

Wei Wuxian, who'd been in the middle of getting out of bed, froze. A figure clad in white stood in the dark, and it looked as if a slight glow emanated from his form.

When silence followed, Wei Wuxian gathered his wits and sprung up from the bed. Almost immediately a dizziness followed, causing him to lose his balance momentarily. A pair of strong arms interrupted his fall.

"Lan Zhan? You're still here…"

"You want me to leave?"

It sounded less like a question and more like a statement. Wei Wuxian wanted to deny it but he didn't trust himself to speak. It was getting difficult to hold himself together in front of his Lan Zhan.

Suddenly, he realized, a huge chasm had formed between them over the course of a week. Unfortunately, though, it was necessary.

"I will leave. But answer my questions first." Lan Wangji spoke as quietly as he normally did.

To an outsider it wasn't different from his general tone but Wei Wuxian could sense the pain in the way he held him, the way his usually controlled composure didn't seem up to the mark.

"Sit."

Wei Wuxian sat back down on the bed. After a moment of hesitation, Lan Wangji joined him. They remained silent for a long time. Under different circumstances, the ever lively cultivator would've filled the silence by asking a ton of questions until his disciplined cultivation partner gave in. In an even different situation, he might've even enjoyed this silence. But now it felt suffocating, unbearable.

"Lan Zhan, say something. What do you want to know?"

"Will you be honest with me?" Lan Wangji finally turned to look at him.

Wei Wuxian nodded.

"How long?"

The question puzzled Wei Wuxian. How long what? How long was he going to live? How long had he known he was going to die? How long did he wish to – Oh!

"Lan Zhan, I'd meant to tell you all this gradually. It was why I sought help from Zewu-Jun. I hadn't meant to keep this a secret from you. It's just – just that whenever I thought of bringing up, you were in a good mood and then I couldn't bear to see you in pain and…" he trailed off helplessly.

"Wei Ying, do you trust me?"

The question was so out of the blue that for an instant, Wei Wuxian didn't understand it. Then he looked up at the love of his life, tears forming in his eyes. He'd held them back for too long. Now they were overdue. It wasn't long before he was fully crying, head in his hands, an emptiness inside that he could not fill.

"Wei Ying…" this time Lan Wangji's voice was softer, comforting even.

But that hurt even more because Wei Wuxian knew he didn't deserve this. Not after all that he'd said in the morning.

"Lan Zhan, Lan-er-gege, why do you need to ask me this? I thought it was obvious."

"Then," Lan Wangji hesitated. "Then is it not obvious that I respect you?"

"Lan Zhan…"

The pain Wei Ying felt now was almost physical. He hadn't expected this from Lan Wangji of all people. But then again he wasn't in a position to blame him for returning the blow. With a start, he realized that for once Lan Wangji had left him speechless.

"Wei Ying, this time you won't be dying alone."

Wei Wuxian pain had turned into confusion. What is he trying to say? Who else is going to die?

"Lan Zhan, what do you mean? Listen, about earlier, I know I said a lot of hurtful things and I'm sorry. But please stop being so cryptic. I don't want to spend the last few days of my life solving your riddles. Believe me, this time when I die, I won't let anybody else get hurt. No one else is dying."

Few more tears slid down his face.

"Wei Ying, I don't want to be left behind. If you die, I'm going with you."

Jiang Cheng paced the length of his chamber, his hands behind his back. After seeing the Lan Sect Leader off (Jingyi and Sizhui had chosen to remain behind), he had practically shut himself in his room the entire day. He had even firmly shut Jin Ling out when his nephew had come to call him for lunch. He felt bad about it later but he wasn't in the mood to face anybody.

Ever since the whole dramatic truth revelation, he'd felt restless. There was so much he wanted to say yet there was no one he could say it out to. No one who would make him soup and put his mind at ease, no one with whom he could have a heart to heart. So he'd done the next best thing that he could think of, he'd shut out the world. Then in the privacy of his room, he'd allowed himself to grieve.

However when Jin Ling tried to come in again in the evening, he had managed to compose himself. So he let him in.

"Uncle, why are you like this? You haven't had anything since morning and you didn't even talk to Uncle Wei. Come on, you can't shut yourself in the room all day!"

Jin Ling's whiny voice was enough to irritate any normal person. So as usual Jiang Cheng snapped at him.

"So now you're going to teach me how to behave? You're not even an adult. You can barely handle your own problems. Yet you have solutions for others' ?"

"I may not be an adult but right now, I know that you need to talk to Uncle Wei. He wanted to sort things out with you since the first day he spent at Lotus Pier. But you kept waving him away. Now at least –" Jin Ling let the sentence trail off.

"I'll see. So are you hungry?" Jiang Cheng asked, straightening his robes, patting down his hair. Jin Ling nodded enthusiastically. "It's dinner time then. Go and gather everyone else."

Wei Wuxian sucked in his breath. This was way too much. Why were people so intent on shocking him like this?

"NO!" He exclaimed so loudly that he was sure the rest of the Lotus Pier had heard him. "Lan Zhan, no! You aren't going to do that. Tell me it was a silly idea you got and that you aren't going to follow through with it. Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan?"

Lan Wangji had turned away from him, staring at a wall, his jaw set and gaze unwavering. It was an answer in itself. But an answer that Wei Wuxian wasn't prepared to accept. So he took a deep breath to calm himself to get any sensible words out of his mouth.

"Lan Wangji, I will never forgive you if you try to kill yourself. If you have ever loved me, then you have to promise me that you will not try to harm yourself in order to die with me." Wei Wuxian had managed to steady his voice, so the words came out surprisingly firm. Internally though all he felt was broken.

Lan Wangji's head snapped back to look at him; he looked so upset that anyone would've felt terrified and backed away immediately. But Wei Wuxian wasn't anyone. He simply returned the look defiantly.

"Why must I suffer alone? I just want to be with you."

"Lan Zhan, I don't know what I have done to deserve someone as awesome as you. You stood by me, believed in me, fought for me and I will be ever grateful for that. I'm happy to have found you. But I'm not worth giving a life for, definitely not yours. Your life is worth a lot and I want you to live it."

"Wei Ying…"

"Your brother needs you."

"He will understand."

"And what about Sizhui and the disciples?"

"Sizhui is old enough to look after himself."

"Your uncle then?"

"Wei Ying!" Lan Wangji almost protested.

"Lan Zhan, please. The world needs you. There are very few good, righteous people in this world and they should not just give up their life. Your life shouldn't be dependent on mine. So promise me that you will look after yourself. Live a little."

They stared at each other long and hard. Neither of them ready to back down. It was possible they would have remained like that for the rest of the night if not for the knock that sounded on the door at that moment. Wei Wuxian jumped while Lan Wangji remained impassive.

"Uncle Wei? Hanguang-Jun? We're assembling for dinner soon. Would you be joining us?"

It was Jin Ling, and when Wei Wuxian replied in the affirmative, he left. Then the Yiling Patriarch turned to look at his stubborn spouse.

…

Dinner was an awkward affair. Everybody avoided eye contact for various reasons. The whole dull atmosphere was however not working well for Jingyi who realized that for the first time he had completely lost his appetite. Ever since morning, he'd been desperately trying to find a distraction. Sizhui hadn't been of any help. In fact he looked miserable and completely out of it. This was not something Jingyi was used to.

His cousin (although they may not be related by blood, but he liked to believe they did) was more of a Lan than he himself was – always cool, calm, completely in control of his feelings. But now all that restraint lay shattered.

So, the only person who seemed less affected by the depressing news was Jin Ling. Jingyi had no plans to hang out with that arrogant brat, but since Sizhui wasn't really in a mood to talk to him and there was no one else he could turn to, in the end he did end up touring around with Jin Ling.

It may not have been enjoyable, yet not as bad as he'd originally thought. To be more honest, Jingyi wanted to put the matter behind him if he could, and Jin Ling helped. Possibly because for once they were in the same boat.

Once dinner was over, he caught up with Sizhui who looked much calmer now. They headed out and Sizhui talked in his normal, collected tone. That was enough to put Jingyi's mind at ease.

"Jingyi, I suppose I never really told you how much Senior Wei means to me. I don't know how to deal with his death. It's just so sudden. I want to do something."

Jingyi was not sure if he looked as puzzled as he felt. "Do something like what? Stop the resentful spirits? Make them give up on Senior Wei? Sizhui, you should leave it to Hanguang Jun. He always knows what to do."

Sizhui smiled. "Jingyi, I think –"

He cut himself short. He was looking at something over the other boy's shoulder, making Jingyi turn. They hadn't realized but they had arrived at the bridge near the residential area of Lotus Pier. Leaning against the railing of the bridge was Wei Wuxian, staring out at the lotus pond, lost in thought.

Before Jingyi could turn back to his cousin to ask him what they should do, Sizhui was already heading towards the bridge. Jingyi followed obediently. Senior Wei did not notice them until Sizhui was standing right beside him, at which point felt the need to stand back a little.

"Senior Wei?" Sizhui spoke hesitantly, his voice barely above a whisper.

Wei Wuxian jumped almost comically. Jingyi had to suppress a grin so as to not ruin the mood.

"Sizhui?" the frazzled man exclaimed. Then registering him, Senior Wei nodded at him too. "Jingyi? Aren't you supposed to be in bed by now? Isn't this against your Lan Sect rules?"

"Senior Wei!" Jingyi could hear the pleading tone in Sizhui's voice. "I haven't had a chance to meet you properly since morning. I travelled all the way from Gusu to meet up with you."

"Really? I thought this was about Jin Ling and the archery competition?" Senior Wei looked like he was gradually getting back to his usual self.

"Oh that was just Jingyi! I wanted to show you the talisman I perfected." Saying this, Sizhui pulled out the talisman from his sleeve and with a quick motion flung it at an unsuspecting Jingyi.

Just a moment before it hit him, the talisman exploded showering him with dozens of magical butterflies. It looked surreal to watch. Jingyi felt mesmerized. That was until he realized Senior Wei was chuckling and Sizhui was beaming.

As the magic faded, Jingyi noticed something else behind the playful facade that Wei Wuxian always maintained – pride. He was proud of Sizhui and that became much more obvious as he thumped the boy and praised him. Then Sizhui turned to look at his father figure with a solemn look – the earlier happiness slowly disappearing.

"Senior Wei, there was something else. I don't know if I'll get the chance to say it again. I don't even know if I should be saying this. I mean –"

But Wei Wuxian cut Sizhui's ramblings off with a gentle hand on the shoulder.

"Sizhui, I don't think you need to be that hesitant in front of me. Speak without fear. What is it?"

It was like another magic trick how quickly Sizhui dropped his act of holding himself together and practically squeezed his Senior Wei, tears flowing. Jingyi couldn't have felt more stunned that day. One minute his cousin was putting on the ideal Lan Sect disciple look – all emotions restrained – and the next moment he had enveloped the older man in a bone crushing hug.

"I'm going to miss you!" Sizhui wept, his face buried in Senior Wei's shoulder. "Don't go!"

The startled man took a few seconds to gather himself before he awkwardly patted the Lan sect disciple's hair. Probably in another universe it would've been a very touching scene but their expressions and the unanticipated nature of the act made it almost laughable. But Jingyi for once exercised his restraint and only offered a grin.

"A-Yuan, your teacher is not going to be proud of you. Where is your strict discipline now? If Hanguang Jun sees you –"

"– he will understand…" Sizhui completed. He straightened up, letting go off Senior Wei and looked away. "He knows me and maybe I don't understand him completely but I know he does understand me. I don't want you to leave us so soon. There's so much left and –"

"Everyone has to leave someday, Sizhui. No one can live forever. In my case, I've already died long ago. I wouldn't be – no I shouldn't be here at all. But I got another chance to fix my mistakes, to make peace with everyone I care about. It's more than I can ever ask for. Maybe I don't want to leave now – after I got to be with your Hanguang Jun, see you all grown up, come back to Lotus Pier – but I know I have overstayed my welcome."

Senior Wei looked sad but resigned, not broken. Now even Jingyi couldn't help but feel despondent. It was as if the gloomy atmosphere had become infectious. "A Yuan, do not despair. You have a long life ahead. If you lose hope now, you will never be able to get up again."

"Senior Wei, all of us at Gusu will miss you!" Jingyi joined in. "How about this? You teach us a new talisman tomorrow. Something with which we can always remember you and then when we get back to Gusu, Sizhui and I will help others learn it too. So whenever we miss you, we can use it to remember you."

Wei Wuxian chuckled and even Sizhui looked more relaxed now. "Sure! I'll think about it overnight. Now off you go! Don't you have an archery competition to prepare for?"