Love is a curse. It was a plague to those that were not fortunate enough to get the chance at falling in love. It all seemed foul to most. It seemed pointless to start dating. To fall for someone and then as time passes by it gets worse and worse to the point where tears and heartbreaks start to happen. In relationships. In marriages. Even in crushes. No one should fall in love. It was pointless to find anyone who cared about you for you. To find this "Prince Charming" that would always take care of you. Doesn't pretend to be somebody they weren't. That loves you for being yourself.
That philosophy was all ingrained in Retsuko's mind. She always listened to what her mind said. Her heart was like a lair to her. Her finding love has always led her to many chances of love and times being in relationships being crushed and thrown into the bin. She ignored her heart. No, she refused to listen to it. It was always a troublemaker.
Gone were the ideas of getting to fall in love. Gone were the ideas of marriage. Gone were the ideas of having kids. All of it was just nothing but a phase to escape from her job which was being an office worker. A hell on Earth job that she wanted out on. Marriage was the only way. To marry and to finally be free of the officer worker life.
At first she only thought about marriage to escape the harsh workplace that always broke down her psyche. But time went on and she started to slowly feel deep down that maybe she was wanting more than a way of escape from her job. Maybe she wanted to find real love. The idea of marriage and having kids no longer seemed of an excuse to quit her work. It seemed like a dream. To find someone that was going to take care of her and be supportive of her every step of the way.
Love, however, always was the bad luck streak for the red panda every single step of the way. Many failed times to find "the one", Two harsh breakups, and one rejection for a chance at love. Like what she always thinks about whenever she forms a crush on someone, love is a curse. Always has been, and always will be. Love will never make you happy. Fenneko and Washimi were pretty much right, relationships are evil and cruel to your heart.
It always was crammed into her brain to make sure she could never find love again. But lately Retsuko was starting to feel like she was becoming a hypocrite. It had been a good solid year and a half since her last breakup with the lazy but smart rich Tadano. That breakup hurted her. They both were different, which caused different ideas of love, but her being herself is what caused him to leave. The real Retsuko. The one who uses karaoke to listen to heavy metal and sing aloud her frustrations. Her rage shows as the song plays on. No one could handle her it seemed. Well, in her head she believed.
But now her heart started to beat in slow rhythmic patterns. It was a clear case that she was starting to feel that dreadful emotion that no one should ever have. She was falling in love. She woke up with a mixture of rainbows and pink colors and fluffy clouds one morning after having a dream she could barely remember. The foggy memory consisted of being on stage with someone that was close to her. Her raged heavy metal voice singing lyrics of how terrible her job is and how everyone who was a thorn to her side were now nothing but small scrawny worms to her.
She remembered the faces of most of her friends cheering her on and her foes looking disgusted and giving her stink eyes. Yet the person she was next to was one that seemed foggy. Could it be that her mind was refusing to let her know who was this person she fell in love for? Retsuko of course listened to her brain as it was her only helper with emotions. But months went by, and it seemed to be getting worse for her.
Every one random day of the week, she would have that same dream. Not with the setting being on the stage in front of everyone, but just random plot driven settings that always got her to wake up with half a grin. It was that same person. Their laughter and voice were just muffled every time Retsuko tried to think up the dreams. The clothing was slightly different in each dream, though like the talking in the dreams, they too were a foggy memory. White and red. Red and black. She tried to think of who was wearing that type of clothing. They were a tall gray-ish figure too. Whoever this person was, Retsuko's brain was refusing to cooperate on figuring it out who it could be.
As two more months passed by, she started to put the pieces down together. This big puzzle was taking time to be solved. Although slow progress is still progress nonetheless. Retsuko was starting to fight her brain during that time. She had to know who it was. If she could see who this mysterious knight in shining armor was that kept appearing in her dreams, then maybe she would let her heart and mind do the talking should she consider going to take a shot with love.
She started to fight against her mind. Retsuko wanted to know who was this dreamy invader in her dreams. She just had to figure out who it could be. Her subconscious was starting to give way and let her get more pieces of this very long puzzle. A fluffy looking tail. Big ears that also looked soft to touch. The laughter this person has always sounded similar to someone she knew close.
She had enough of the guessing game, so one night she decided to make sure that her dream will finally show this strange male. No more overthinking, no more thinking in general. At night she went out hard thanks to the melatonin she took before bed. Those sleep aid pills always knocked her out and got her to sleep without her brain rushing her with images and thoughts. The best part was that whenever she took sleep aid, she would always remember the dreams she had. Retsuko couldn't believe she didn't think of this plan till now.
When she awoke from her slumber to have the morning sun greet her with its rays basking onto her fur, her face had no smile. No rainbow clouds and pink walls. This was different. This was fear that stayed on her face throughout the morning. Her mystery has come to an end. She figured out who this guy was. Her dream was no longer fuzzy. She remembered every detail in it. The area, the weather, and of course the biggest one, the person that she seemed fixated on in her dreams.
She couldn't believe she was falling in love with Haida.
There was nothing wrong with Haida. He was a good guy in fact! Always helping out Retsuko and their friends with busy tasks. He also was always up to hang out with her and Fenneko after the end of the workshift. Nothing was wrong with him. But Retsuko felt like the end of the world was upon her. That the ground she walked on would crumble and everything would fall into an empty void called "Despair.". A bit of an overaction, but to the red panda she felt herself just feel like a walking zombie in that morning as she was making breakfast.
The only reason why she felt like her heart was going to explode and why she felt like she was carrying fifty tons of weight on her back was all because of that one painful moment that happened between the two. The hospital visit. She was never going to forget that for as long as she lived.
Around almost 3 years ago, Haida had pneumonia after an embarrassing night of drinking and laying on the sidewalk while it was raining hard. He was crushed to say the least. Knowing that his chances with Retsuko were gone. Thankfully for the hyena who stayed in the hospital for a good couple of days, he was doing well and he got the news that Retsuko was now single. Retsuko was thrilled to see him being ok. She didn't want him to see him in pain or be ill. She was happy to hear he would be back in tip top shape by the next day.
Of course...that visit became a catastrophe that got her nightmares for weeks. It was all because of Haida confessing his love to Retsuko. He was being sweet, being honest, and showing that he does in fact care for her. Retsuko believed in every single word he said. He had no reason to lie. Although she never did understand why he told her that at the hospital.
It could be he just felt like luck was by his side since he was able to recover quickly and he didn't want to waste a second on this luck. He wanted to tell her to see if the good charm was still with him and hoping he would get his own happy ending.
Quite possibly it might just be the fact that he survived a deadly encounter. Pneumonia is no joke and it can kill you if not treated immediately. Maybe the thought of him leaving this world without telling Retsuko his feelings for her scared him, and that he told her to make sure she knows how much he loved her.
She remembered smiling. She remembered her heart that was once broken began to feel stitched up and ready to start having heavy beats. She felt joy knowing he loved her. Yet...he didn't know of the real her. The real Retsuko. She couldn't accept this chance of finding true love. She refused in a polite manner. Giving him the friendzone treatment. It hurted her way more than it hurted him.
The timing was what others would be the one to ruin that chance. No sane person would be dumped one day and then the next day have a new piece of arm candy. Well, except for the richly spoiled people since money is in their head instead of the brain. But no...it wasn't the timing that made Retsuko pull the friendzone.
She refused the opportunity...because she was worried sick that she could end up with an even worser heartbreak. Another chance of love, could also mean another chance of another breakup that would make her cry her eyes out into her pillow at night. She refused to accept love.
Of course, when she fell in love with Tadano, she felt like a hypocrite for the first time due to how she was done with love. So now with Haida, she felt that hypocrisy started to edge back into her again. But would she really accept her heart? Haida was different from the ex's she had been with. Yet, her mind kept saying no and to avoid the hyena. No more love for Retsuko, or else the red panda's heart would be crushed again and there would be another night of crying, drinking, and eating ice cream.
She didn't know what to do. All she could do was work, and pretend as if everything was fine. She even hoped and prayed that the dreams would stop since she now knows it was Haida all along who was that mysterious person that gave her dreams a fun loving time.
She wanted to have no more love dreams.
A Month Passes
Retsuko was still suffering from the dreams. The dreams are always dealing with Haida and their many "dates" they go to. Some were being romantic. Some being a fantasy. But all of them were the same thing, Retsuko was hard crushing for Haida. It never seemed to go away. It probably was going to stay with her forever. She hated this feeling of love. She hated it to the core.
It didn't help the fact that they were always near each other since they worked in the same building and always hanged out. She was somewhat cool headed and was able to play along that everything was normal and nothing out of the ordinary. A few hiccups of embarrassing moments were shown, but Retsuko was able to brush them off and keep going. Of course, this was only making her feel worse as the dreams never stopped.
In her dreams, she was feeling happy. She could feel her stomach was tickling with butterflies. She felt like her life was now happy being with someone she loved dearly. Yet, in her reality, she felt more worried about falling in love. She felt like if she fell in love then it would be over for her. She didn't want to be with Haida because her fears were forcing her to stay put and not ask him out for a date. What if he dumped her halfway through the relationship? Or even divorce her and take her kids?! He never acted like that kind of a monstrous jerk, but her mind was making her be afraid of love.
However, today she was able to feel like she could wash away her thoughts that were scolding her worse than her own mother with alcohol to try to keep her cool. Shot after shot of sake to make her just have a moment of peace without her mind messing with her just for one day. She hoped she would be drunk enough to just sleep without having a dream. She'd call for a taxi or friend to drive her to her apartment of course, since drinking and driving is bad and illegal. Retsuko was a smart red panda.
She just wished she was smart enough to deal with this problem. The noise around her was almost dim as she pondered to herself. Looking at her reflection at the alcoholic drink in her shot glass. She was at a popular restaurant that was pretty much full of her co-workers. Their department was able to win a bonus pay due to their outstanding teamwork and pushing through hard work without any complications. It was a celebration so to speak. With everyone laughing and talking about their life for this week and so on.
Retsuko was sitting on one of the stools by the bar. She refused to try to hang out with Haida that day. All she wanted to do was drink away this horrific awful pain called love out of her system. She knew however it would be a losing battle for tomorrow will continue on and on. At least she would have a chance of a small victory.
She groaned to herself with her head laying against the palm of her hand while taking another shot. This was her fifth one. She could feel the alcohol mellowing her down and feeling her face being warm. She pretty much hit the limit and was done with the shots. She set the shot glass to the side and laid her arm on the cool wooden stand with her eyes just looking down as the sake was making her mind feel like it was out of this world.
She felt as if the world was spinning fast around her. Going on an endless loop on the fast speed of a sports car. Retsuko just could only feel her warm face and her body just being the only thing that stood still. It was like she was frozen in time. Speechless with her even feeling like she wasn't breathing at all. Maybe time did stop. She would rather be facing "The End Of Time" than to face the fact that her love for Haida will grow more and more. She hated having crushes.
She sighed to herself. She wished to be with her friends and co-workers. Yet...she felt like the more time she spent with Haida, the more her heart beated for him. The more the dreams will become romantic. The more she would feel guilty for falling in love again. She just wanted it to be gone. For the emotion of love to be whisked away to somewhere where falling in love is outlawed and where crushes should never exist.
She was ready to call it quits for the night. She had her rolls of sushi in her stomach mixed with the sake and she was ready for her to hold her pillow and dream of nothing in her room. However a presence started to have her remove that ideal moment for her resting night and now pay attention to who could be near her. She was hoping it wasn't Haida, who always was making sure she was ok and doing well. She started to move her head to the direction of where the figure was.
By her side was someone that she couldn't believe she was relieved to see. It was Director Ton with a beer bottle in his hand. He looked down to tired and very buzzed looking Retsuko who tried to play it all off with a soft smile and acting coy with all being fine and dandy.
Ton was no idiot. He knew something was up. "You look like you partied too hard Calendar." He called her by the nickname he always called her by.
She shrugged her neck slightly with still a fake grin on her face. "Oh I guess I did. We did work our butts off for us to win."
"That is true, I won't deny that." He started to sit down by the stool as he placed his arms and beer on the stand. He started to take a swig of his drink before he looked back at Retsuko. "Hey Calendar. I got to say, you worked the hardest out of everyone."
Retsuko felt a bit of pride coming out of her from hearing her boss say that. "Thank you Director Ton."
"Yeah. You seemed more focused on work than anything." The pig took another sip from his almost empty bottle. "Even avoiding others. Especially that Haida guy."
Oh no. He isn't starting to figure it out is he? Please let it just be normal talking and nothing more.
"In fact...you have been almost avoiding him for like a month now." He looked over to see that Retsuko was now looking terrified of it. Almost looking as if she was ready to run out of here. Her bead of sweat showed Ton that something was up with her. "Something seems to be bothering you with that guy."
"O-oh Haida is fine. No need to worry about him." Retsuko felt her heart was starting to escape from her chest. She swallowed in a nervous gulp as she was trying not to look at Ton.
"Calendar. Is he starting to mess with you? Do I need to give him...a long talk in my office?"
"No! He isn't some troublemaker! It's-" She pretty much fell right into his trap. She exhaled a sigh with a groan by the end of it. She rubbed her forehead with her two thumbs to ease some tension to her head. "I am the problem."
Ton stood there with only a raised brow. He wondered how in the heck could she be the problem? What has caused her to pretty much avoid this one guy and be here drinking alone?
"I...I have feelings for him." She said without looking at Ton. She could feel him still watching her and still being there to listen. "But I don't want love. Love is too much of a dangerous disease. It's just- ugh. If I fall in love with him, how long would it take before he ends it? Or if I end it?!"
As Retsuko continued listing off her reasons why she should ignore falling in love and never will fall for love, Ton started to realize something as she went on with her buzzed ranting. Him and Retsuko for once had something in common when it came to that ideology of why love was deemed "evil" and a curse. He felt flabbergasted by it all. Finally, he knew someone that had the same issue he had back then.
She letted out a deep breath to get air back into her lungs to make her blue face turn back to normal. She had her hands lay on the stand as she was finished. "I just can not fall in love. It is too dangerous." She almost started to feel teary eyed. "I don't want to be hurt by love again."
Ton stood there silent. He didn't need to think up anything to try to get her to cheer up, he knew the answer to give her. "Ironic. I used to be like that too. Hating love and always staying far away from it all."
The red panda sniffled as she wiped one of her eyes while starting to look up at him. "You...you did?"
"Yeah." He took a drink from his bottle to clear his throat. "I remembered that I always blamed myself for whenever I failed a relationship. Whenever I failed asking out my crushes. I was defeated so many times by love that I lost count."
Retsuko paid full attention to Ton. What Ton was saying got Retsuko to listen real well because, like him, she was starting to understand him and how much he went through, just like she did in the past couple of years.
Ton was explaining about how he tried everything to get into a relationship. He went to speed dating meetups to meet other girls for around sixty seconds, he tried to pretend to be someone he wasn't, and even was willing to risk everything for a woman who was not wanting what he wanted.
This shocked Retsuko. She thought she was the only one who suffered the way she did. Never in her life could she ever think that the one person who made poor decisions and went through so much like her was her own boss. He took another sip before continuing.
"When I gave up on love, I was always ignoring every opportunity to get a chance. If my heart even pounded from a mere sight of a woman, I would tell myself that it is not worth the heartache. That was until...I met her."
"Your wife?"
Ton nodded as the pig was ready to drink until he realized the bottle was now empty and sat it to his side. From there he continued his story. "She was my best friend. Someone I trusted. She was someone that I knew would always take care of me whenever I needed help. One day...I started to dream of my life with her. And it lasted for months on end. I wanted it to go away, but every time I did I felt like I was making the biggest mistake of my life. So one day, with me building up the courage, I got to finally confess to her."
Retsuko was still listening, being by the edge of her seat to know more about what Ton was going to say. "I feel like it all ended on a happy ending?"
He nodded. "Of course. When I told her that I loved her and I wanted to spend my time with her, she happily accepted it and we started to bond more closer as we were being honest with each other. Over years we became a couple, then became fiancee's, and down the line we became proud happy parents."
Retsuko was left speechless. She had no way of talking. All she did was nod and kept her eyes focused on him. He acts like an asshole and calls her by that dumb name. Yet, she was glad he was there to help her out, especially during this time where her life felt messed up.
"The point is Calendar, you have to take a leap of faith. But you have to trust your gut first. Sometimes you will land on a soft cozy bed, or sometimes you will fall on a cactus."
"But what if it never works out? I don't want to be landing on the cactus. I just want...real love. I want to feel loved and just be me. I don't want to end up changing who I am again." She held her head in frustration while looking back to the similar shiny stand.
Ton looks over to the direction of Haida, who was chatting and laughing up with Fenneko and Tsunoda as the latter two were bickering over the last bit of a sweet roll on a plate. He seemed confident that Haida wasn't like the other two that got her to feel bad. He was actually someone she should be with if she was to give love a chance. Ton gently placed a hand by her shoulder, which got her off guard and made her look up at him again. Although he has that same face he usually pulls, the mean tough look that sends shivers down your spine, Retsuko could see he was going to be sincere with her.
"Everyone is scared to show their real true selves. And that is why relationships don't work so much. Not being yourself shows the lack of trust between two partners. Be the real you Calendar."
Retsuko couldn't fight against that logic Ton had. Still she tried. "What if Haida ends up not being his real self for me…?"
"I always see how he acts. He isn't playing some gimmick for you and only you. He is pretty much a good person." He started to remove his hand from her shoulder. "But it's not up to me, it is up to you on what you want to do. Take a chance, or risk losing your one and only chance to find real love."
Retsuko wanted to continue fighting off the urge to say he was right. Chances can be a rarity, especially when it comes down to love. Would she really risk the chance of another heart break and another night of depression and guilt? The red panda was just so tired dealing with ignoring these feelings that had plagued her for so many months that she was starting to lose count. Love was just dangerous, but Haida was someone special. Without him around, Retsuko would just not have so much help like he always gave her. Maybe she could give love a chance. She took a breath, and exhaled softly.
"Ok...I will give love a shot...I do hope you are right, Director Ton." She started to crack a half a smile. "Thank you for giving me some courage."
Ton started to get up and off the stool as he planned to get something to eat before he would take the subway back home. "Yeah. No problem Calendar." He started to make his exit to join the others. He asked if Retsuko wanted to come along and join in, with her stating she only needed a few minutes and then she would join with her friends. He looked back to her one last time. "Trust your gut and heart. Not your mind. Your brain will always screw with you." With that said, he walked off to join the others for a good couple of hours.
Retsuko just sat there. She was letting her head catch a breather as so much was crammed into it. Ton really was right. Love is something that can be good and evil. But to find the true happy ending, she needed to be with someone that is being real with her. Being with someone who wants to give her likings a try even if they are not into it. Retsuko could see Haida was like that. Haida was someone who would have done everything her ex's couldn't do. Still, Retsuko was worried of love.
But Ton was right, love is something you had to take a leap of faith for. Haida was pretty much Retsuko's only chance to find real love that would give her the good ending she deserved in her life. She letted out one last exhale as her gut and heart was now doing the talk. Her mind being pushed aside by her decision. She made her final decision.
"I will give love one more chance."