This was it. A now or never situation. Retsuko felt like she was making a terrible decision. Yet her gut was saying this was the best time to do it. She couldn't help but to pace herself back and forth in the hallway of her own apartment. Her mind contemplates on what action she should do. What words to say. What to plan out and figure on what to do. She was desperate for a clear answer to appear in her head right about now.
The reasoning of what made her so panicky was all because of a phone call. A call that she had made to Haida and told him to come meet her sometime today. With Haida saying he will be there in the hour which got her heart thumping but her fear starting to take over her. Now she was looking at the clock on her phone as she was feeling every passing second making her want to vomit. Making her just want to call him and tell him that he can go home and it was nothing important. She never did say why she wanted him here, but she knew that Haida would still come over just to be sure she was safe. She did sound worried over the phone, so that probably got his attention to have him come here.
Haida knew where Retsuko was at. He and Fenneko had been over there a couple of times. He never asked for the address, so that probably meant he knew where to go. Still didn't help that her heart wasn't ready for today. She had the courage built up in her but now was starting to feel second doubts. Retsuko could feel her body shaking from so many negative thoughts plaguing on her.
What if he gets mad at her? What if he says no to her confession? What if he ends their friendship? Again, Haida would never be like this. Yet, Retsuko still had the heart sinking feeling that she was going to be ruined. There is no way a good ending could be achieved by this. Life wouldn't give you a happy ending. Right?
"M-maybe I should call him. Tell him that I will speak with him tomorrow. I know he would underst-"
Knock Knock Knock.
"O-oh no." Retsuko felt herself standing still as her eyes gazed at the door. She could say nothing, but she had to accept it was time. It has been a good solid week since her talk with Ton, and she had to become brave. She knew she was ready for this. She took a last mental check as she started to figure out how it will go. There, she was accepting what to do. She was ready. "Come in."
The door opened with the mammal coming in being the one she was waiting for. Haida. He came in with his casual clothing of his red and black striped shirt and jeans and leather black jacket. He closed the door behind him and took a look at her place to see it was spotless. Usually it would be having a mess or two since she tended to be living alone with no parents to bother her and mess with her lifestyle. The hyena felt a bit weirded out by it. It seemed like something important. Really important if Retsuko was standing there all flustered.
"Hey Retsuko." He said as he started to walk over to her. He started to take off his jacket and began to place it to hang on the rack that Retsuko bought weeks ago for her jacket. "What's the matter? You ok?"
"I'm fine." That was all she could muster out. Whatever she had planned to say was chucked out of the window as her nervousness was starting to get to her.
Haida started to look around the place. He was wanting to break the silence that was starting to make them feel both uncomfortable. "So...I really like the place. Looks spiffy."
Retsuko took the opportunity of dialogue in a quick manner. "Oh thank you! I was wanting to make sure I didn't live like some slob."
The two had a chuckle as they tried to make it not as awkward as possible. Still, Haida continued on to keep the talking going. "Oh yeah. It looks nice." The hyena rubbed the back of his head as to try to lean in to ask her the question that was obviously on the table. "So. Really Retsuko, are you ok? Why did you call me and sound worried?"
It wasn't what she had in mind, but she went with that to get to the real topic of what she wanted to speak about. She decided to have her and Haida take a seat by the couch. Of course, Haida agreed, with the two starting to take a seat on the soft cushion and Retsuko starting to feel the energy of her confidence starting to slither back into her. This really was her one shot. Her one final chance. She had to make it work.
"Haida...I want to say something but, I am afraid that if I even speak up about what I want to say, my whole world would collapse." She was looking down at the floor, holding her hands together as she just was trying to make sure it sounded good in her head. One misslip, and she could ruin it all.
Haida had no idea of what could happen. She looked almost at the brink of tears. She sounded as if any mistake she makes could ruin her life forever. He gently placed his hand on her shoulder. "Retsuko, you know if you are in trouble, I will gladly help you out."
She took a nod of understanding his good hearted nature. "Thank you Haida, but this is something different." She gripped on her hands tighter. "I am afraid this will ruin things between us."
"R-Retsuko? What are you-"
"Haida. I want you to promise me that no matter what I say, you will not over react, you will not try to run away o-or think of me as some weirdo."
He was in disbelief at how Retsuko was acting. She looked at him as if she was begging for him to cooperate. He was, and he always will, so he saw no problem with agreeing to her demands. Still, he feared this could be something he probably couldn't fix. He nodded his head regardless. "Of course Retsuko. I promise."
The red panda took a sigh of relief. She was ready to let out everything. But she was smart when it came to leaning into the big question. She had to give it a background before she could confess to him. Even if it was laying layers of it, it still would be enough for her to make a path to what she wanted. She started to have her mind give her a slow recap to use for her dialogue. It was like she was reading off of a stack of cards for a big speech.
"Well. To be quite honest with you, I am not doing fine. For months I have been...well...worrisome." She said as she looked up to Haida who was listening to her.
"Yeah." He started to add some points to what she said. "You were always avoiding me and Fenneko most of the time. And you seemed to always be tired out."
Retsuko could feel the shame of embarrassment on her face. "Y-yeah." She started to push through. "Well. I always had, and still do at some points, these strange dreams. This was like so many months ago that I can't even count how long it's been. Anyways, the dreams felt way too real."
To the hyena's head, he felt like this was starting to become a setup to a horror movie. Where Retsuko would be fighting off against some ghost lady that would crawl her way out of the television. Or a haunted house scenario. But as he just letted her continue, he started to get a clearer, and more realistic, picture going on.
"At first, I was starting to be weird by them. To see this cloudy figure that always took care of me. That got me to become who I am." She could feel her heart beating with hard quick force. "But then I was mixed into being happy, but being scared. I always woke up to the mix of reality and the world being of pink with rainbows and cupids everywhere."
Haida sort of knew what she meant by it. She was in love. Or, at least it seemed to be a crush. He still waited to hear more before he could draw a conclusion to it, but yet, his mind began to make him do some thinking. Who was she going to talk about?
"When I started to make my dreams more and more clear. I...I was able to see the figure for who they were and I-I was just a mess knowing who it was." She could feel her words being shaky. She was getting close to the point of no return now. She had to do it. It can't go on like this forever.
The hyena still was paying his full attention to her. He never seen her act like this, Whoever this crush could be, they were probably someone terrible to make Retsuko feel like this. Or maybe it wasn't someone terrible. She did trust him with telling Haida what was up with her. She sounded like she was close to confessing who this figure was.
"I felt like if they knew about my crush on them, they would hate me. They would be disgusted with me. My heart would be broken by them and thrown away in the trash." She started to feel her eyes watering. "I-I don't want to be an idiot in front of who I dreamed about."
Haida started to go into protection mode. Trying to make sure she wouldn't shed a tear. He saw on the table was a box of tissues which he grabbed and handed them over to her. She thanked the kind hyena before she took a tissue and began to dap and rub it on her eyes to prevent tears from rolling down her cheeks.
"I just...I just fear they would never want me. That I would be a laughing stock to them."
"Retsuko...you need to not be so down on yourself. You are perfect the way you are. Whoever says you ain't good or that you ain't pretty is crazy as hell and blind to not see the real you."
Retsuko felt that hard beat of her heart again. This time, it wasn't fear. It made her feel happy. To see that after all those years, and despite having to turn him down, Haida was there to help her. To be there for her to make sure she was going to be ok. She couldn't help but look at him and smile. He wasn't going to be mean with her. If he knew what was eating her up, Retsuko would know he would be either flattered but declined politely and still up to being friends with her, or, and hopefully, he would accept her and slowly have them becoming a couple. She hoped for the latter of the situation to take place.
She thanked him, and continued. She had to do it. She had a reason to tell the truth. To tell him who the figure was. "Haida...when I saw this figure, I was in shock. In horror. Because of how they were so right for me, and I blew my chances to be with someone who would have treated me right."
She looked into his eyes. Retsuko took one last breath before she letted out what she wanted to say. She was determined to release her heart, her feelings, her emotions, all to get her much needed answers. Haida could feel himself almost blushing due to how close she was to him. He letted out an awkward smile.
"Haida...before I say what I need to say...are you still going to keep your promise?"
He still agreed with her. He was never going to break her promise. He never will. "Of course Retsuko. You know I will. Do you trust me?"
"Yes I do." This is it. "Which is why…" Retsuko could feel it. "I need to tell you the truth." Now. "The truth is…" Or never. "Haida...I-I...I-" It was now. "I have feelings for you."
Time stopped. The world stopped. Gravity and all laws of physics and science were halted. Well, not really, but to the hyena who's eyes started to widen and his mouth agape with a shocked mix of reactions starting to show inside and out of him. It was a bit of joy. A rocked feeling. He felt that he was dumbfounded by this confession. Retsuko actually was in love with him? He felt like a naive tool as it was in front of his face throughout the many months without him even noticing how she acted around him. He called himself a moron in his own head.
The hyena realized that he was just sitting there awkwardly as the red panda was looking at him and started to tilt her head. "Haida?"
"S-sorry!" Haida was thrown off guard after all, so it all seemed justified that he would be reacting like this with a blushing red face to boot.
"S...so?" Retsuko had no words after this. All of the weight was now on Haida who just looked at her with that still same smile and being super dorky about this predicament.
"W-well Retsuko. I will be honest I...I am flattered by it. Stunned even. I never knew that...you would...fall for me."
"The truth is, when you were in the hospital one day and you confessed, I just...I felt like I should have given love another shot since I never did experience true love. Only fakeness."
Haida was quick to counter it. "Well, I honestly thought I was going to die there. I thought if I never told you the truth of my feelings, then it would harm me more than ever in the afterlife. That's why I told you that I loved you. It was just...ugh, it was poor timing. I felt like an idiot for months. Even a full blown year cause of it."
He stopped from making himself sound and feel bad as soon as Retsuko gently caressed against his cheek with her soft warm hand. "It's not your fault. You just wanted to get it out of your chest...like, what I am doing right now, but not in a hospital or in a dire situation. Just...I am fine, but am still a nervous wreck."
"I wouldn't blame you. I'd be a nervous wreck during this too." He started to have a soft laugh, to which hee got her to give back that same tone of laughter with a giggle as well. They just acted as themselves. Acting how they have always been throughout the many years they have known each other. It felt so normal. Even when that embarrassing game changing confession came up, they still were just laughing and having a good time in each other's company.
In Retsuko's mind, she felt like that maybe, in a small glimmer of hope, this could work out. Maybe the fact that Haida was the one all this time and she was just blinded to see it. Haida wasn't leaving. He wasn't trying to steer away the question. He seemed straightforward and accepting what was on the table. That same glimmer also made her feel like that there was a chance at love. Real love. Something that she never had before. She was hoping Haida would accept her offer of the two of them.
"So...what do you say? Do you think we could...start slow?" Retsuko said, her eyes looking for hope that she was getting her fairy tale ending of getting what she wanted.
Haida still was blushing, his hands now rubbing against his legs while he started to think of an answer. Every second he waited, Retsuko felt herself starting to sweat and buckle up to the pressure that was making her feel like she would blow up if he didn't say anything. Haida then finally got his chance to speak.
"Retsuko, I just...I feel like if we actually do this, then this would mean we need to be open about ourselves." He looked at her face. "I want you to be...well, who you are. I want to know who the real Retsuko is."
Retsuko was now afraid at that point. The real her drove others away. Her rage was too much for her dates. They couldn't handle her. The real Retsuko only kept two people who became her best friends, but the real her also caused two ex's to leave her for good. Would Haida be added to the list of the exes, or would he be the first boyfriend to accept her nature.
"Are you sure you want to know the real me Haida?"
He nodded within a second after she asked that. "Of course I do."
Retsuko felt like it was time. It was time for her to start to be more open for herself. This for her last moment to see if she can really find true love. "Ok. Are you free next Friday?"
"Of course." Haida smiled since he was proud to know Retsuko was actually going along with this. Finally, he would get to know more about the red panda he had a crush on for years. "What place do you have in mind? Do I need to make reservations?"
She politely shook her head no. "No it's not that kind of place. It's somewhere you took me to once."
Haida raised a brow. "Which one?"
Retsuko letted out a confident booming smile. "Meet me at the karaoke."