Lars, Emerald, and the Off Colors

It's been two weeks since Stevonnie's death. In space onboard the Sun Incinerator, we find Lars, Emerald, and the Off Colors; just a few hours earlier, they left Earth to once again explore the cosmos. Currently, they're seeking out the oldest ruins and remnants of Gem civilization that they can find; they hope to find evidence of what happened back when the Diamonds were the only Gems in existence. Yellow's mentioning of an "Era Zero," of being "born," and of being billions of years old piqued Lars' interest greatly; being an explorer and adventurer at heart, the idea of discovering the meaning behind her cryptic hints truly excites him. He doesn't mind that the Diamonds always refused to explain their origins to anyone, not even to Steven; he'd rather put in the work to discover the answers on his own.

In spite of their current mission of exploration and discovery, the mood on the ship is somber and mournful. Occasionally, Lars or one of the Off Colors will spontaneously break into tears; no one comments on these episodes or asks about them, as everyone feels the same way. Emerald, despite how she herself was never close with Steven or Connie, feels for Lars and his best friends, and tries her best to support them during this time. She remembers very clearly how eleven days ago, three days after Steven and Connie passed, Lars opened up to her about his feelings on the matter once he got past the earliest stages of his grief:

Lars, sitting beside Emerald on a sofa while the Off Colors were out spending time with Amethyst and Garnet, said: "Emerald, how. . .how am I supposed to live in a universe without Steven and Connie?" Tears began to trickle from his eyes once again; Emerald reached out and grasped his hand in hers, sitting silently as he continued.

"I mean, look, we both know I'm not actually immortal. I do age, just really slowly. That one medical researcher I went to told me that based on my heart rate, I might live for another 800 to 1500 years or so, and that Lion probably has 50 to 250 years left. Someday, you're gonna have to go through what the Crystal Gems are going through with Steven; actually, I guess what you'll go through will be more like what Spinel is feeling, huh? I'm sorry for that, Emerald."

Emerald replied, "it's okay Lars. We've been over this already, and I had to accept your mortality when we fell in love. Please, go on. Let it all out. You know you can tell me anything."

Lars continued: "It's just... well... I may live for a thousand years or whatever, but my mind is still human, ya know? I totally get why Lion was always such a loner; he probably couldn't bear to be around the rest of his pride once they all started dying while he lived on. I already had to watch my parents die of old age when I still looked like I was in my late teens! I'd already been growing apart from them anyway, but I drifted away from Sadie, Jenny, Buck, Sour Cream, and Ronaldo on purpose so that I wouldn't be hurt when they died; yeah I was there at their funerals, but it wasn't as hard as I expected since we hadn't had much contact."

He sighed before continuing. "You know this is the real reason why I like to be away from Earth; being around humans with their short lives, it freaking kills me, dammit! I can't stand being with humans anymore, I'd rather be with Gems who live forever, but that just means you'll all be hurt when I die. And don't give me that bullshit about how you've 'accepted' it or whatever, 'cause I know it's gonna tear you up inside."

Emerald looked a bit downcast at this; he'd never told her before that he could see right through her and the Off Colors' white lies, although Padparadscha, with her ability to see all the details in any situation (albeit retroactively) likely already knew. Lars took a deep, wavering breath before continuing.

"But no matter how much I wanted to avoid getting close with humans, with Connie, I... I never really had a damn choice, did I? She was so cool and badass, she was Steven's soulmate, and together with him they were Stevonnie, the coolest person ever!" Emerald nods solemnly in agreement as Lars chokes up a bit.

"She always kept visiting us with Steven through my hair, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't just not be friends with her, ya know? But the thing is, I didn't want to avoid being her friend, anyway! You know that as the years went by, I got as close with her as I was with Steven; she became like the little sister I never had. I told her that once, and I was totally honored when she told me that I was like a big brother to her."

Emerald gripped his hand a bit harder as he continued: "Sure, I knew that I would have to deal with losing Connie someday; she was human, that shit was inevitable. But that doesn't make it hurt any less to lose the woman who was like a sister to me! I know it's terrible, but I always kinda... secretly hoped that she would die in an accident someday, maybe get assassinated while she was a politician, so Steven would have to revive her and turn her pink like me. Ugh, that's such a selfish thought, I'm the worst aren't I?"

He looked towards Emerald with grief and guilt written all over his face, and she responded: "Lars, it may be a bit selfish, but such a thought is completely understandable. You wished you could have more time with someone who was like family to you. I honestly always suspected you had such thoughts, and I never thought any less of you for it. We both know you're a great person, a hero in fact; you saved all the Off Colors more times than they can even count, and you're my hero, the guy who taught me what it means to be a good person and how to finally be happy. Don't start questioning yourself now."

Lars brought her into a brief, tight embrace before separating and continuing to hold her hand as he spoke once more: "Th... thanks Emerald. I still feel kinda guilty, but you just helped me feel a little bit better. I'm glad I finally got that off my chest." He took a deep breath before continuing.

"So yeah, I mean, losing Connie, it absolutely sucks the big one, I can't stand it. But losing Steven, that's, it's... ugggh, it's even worse, ya know? Like I told him at... the end... I owe him everything. You say I'm a hero or whatever, that I'm a good person and taught you how to be good too; well, we both know that's all thanks to Steven! He was the one who taught me how to stop being a selfish jerk. He was the one who taught me how to be brave, how to be heroic and put others before myself like he always did. And he was the one who... who brought me back, by... by crying for me when I died, by caring as much as he did. You say I'm your hero, but Steven was my hero. And he was also one of my very best friends."

Lars paused a bit once again before continuing: "I never told anyone this before but... I knew what would happen to Steven ever since almost eighty years ago." Emerald looked visibly shocked at this revelation; she knows that would've been before Steven's "prime" in his mid-twenties, well before anyone noticed how Steven continued to age into his 30s and 40s.

Lars continued: "You know from the stuff Amethyst and Pearl said there at the end that I'm not the only one he told about it that long ago; I wasn't even the first. He told all his closest Gem friends and family about it even before he told me, all the way back when he and Connie first started dating, so they'd have as much time as possible to come to terms with it. He told me about it that time he and Connie visited us when he was nineteen and they'd just made their engagement-promise, when they came to tell us about it and show off the promise-rings. Remember when they said they had something to tell me in private, and pulled me aside for it?" Emerald nodded silently.

"Well, he and Connie told me then about how his aging worked. About how it was actually just his shape-shifting, that his 'age' was really just how old, or mature or whatever, he felt like he was, and that since he was half-human, he could still die from old age. He and Connie, they... they both knew even back then what it meant that he was gonna settle down to live with her, that he was basically dooming himself to a mortal life. Connie had already accepted it, and Steven was actually happy about it. He saw it as a blessing, he was happy that he wouldn't have to live on forever in a world where his soulmate would be gone... like what'll happen to you someday."

At that remark, Emerald looked downcast again. She knew she no longer needed to hide how she felt about Lars' mortality, as that cat was now out of the bag. Lars continued without stopping:

"Steven and Connie, I think they... they knew exactly how things would happen in the end. Like, I think they planned it. How they would die at the same time, how they would fuse into Stevonnie so they could die as one being... they knew and planned for that shit all along, from when they were only teenagers. You know how Connie lasted way longer in the end than the doctors thought she would, how there was somehow enough time for everyone to say everything that needed to be said?"

Emerald nodded, tearing up upon realizing the beauty of the love that Steven and Connie shared and the scene that she had witnessed.

Lars again continued: "You know how Steven held her hand the whole time, and how she instantly started dying when he let go? Emerald, I'm positive that he spat on his hand before grabbing hers, that he used his healing-powers to make sure she would stick around long enough for everybody to be all wordy and dramatic and shit. Those two, they planned for everything, both for themselves and for the people who... who loved them. Isn't that absolutely nuts? Isn't that absolutely beautiful?"

Emerald, with tears now flowing freely from her eyes as well, could only nod in agreement. She realized more than ever that she'd had the privilege, the great honor, of witnessing something beautiful beyond measure.

Lars, nearly done now, said: "Yeah, so I mean, those two, they... they really were the best. When I say 'the best,' I mean, they were literally the best people ever, and their love, it was... it was the best too. I already miss them so much, Emerald. It feels like my stupidly slowly beating heart is tearing right in half. Am I gonna be stuck like this, missing them and feeling pissed and sad about it, for the next however many centuries? UGH, this totally sucks, it sucks SO much! Emerald, I... what should I do... how the hell can I ever move on?"

Before Emerald could try to interject, Lars continued with one final thought, regressing into the kind of self-loathing he often felt as a teenager:

"Emerald, can you... can you ever forgive me?" At this, Emerald looked shocked, as she had no idea what he meant; Lars, seeing her confusion, forged on ahead, pleading in a choked voice:

"Can you forgive me for... for being there... for being the guy you fell in love with? This shit, losing people I love, it's hard enough as it is and they weren't even my soulmates or anything, and I'm not even immortal, just really long-lived! You, when I die, you'll be around forever, you'll... you'll. Agh, Emerald, I'm sorry, please, forgi-"

Before he could continue, Emerald clapped her free hand over his mouth; when it was clear he wouldn't speak, she dropped her hand and spoke.

"Lars, please, never, ever say that again. So maybe it's true, maybe I and the Off Colors have been trying to spare your feelings by lying about accepting your mortality; maybe we should have been honest with you from the start. When they come back, I'm going to talk with them about it. But Lars, you say that Steven was the one who taught you how to be a good person, right?"

Lars nodded tearfully, and Emerald continued while squeezing his hand:

"Well you know damn well that Steven taught you, taught everyone, that no one should ever feel ashamed of who or what they are! Don't you dare feel guilty about your physiology being the way it is, and don't even THINK about feeling guilty for being the man I fell in love with! Yeah, I know it's going to hurt when you die, it's going to feel like a piece of me will be ripped out and forever lost."

She takes a breath before continuing: "But in spite of that, if I could go back and do things over again, I wouldn't change a single damn thing. I guess I never did tell you exactly what the whole sequence of events seemed like from my point of view, did I? Well let me tell you now. First I was your enemy, and despite my hatred for you I came to respect you as a brilliant, courageous leader and tactician; eventually, that respect came to border on admiration. When we finally had our face-to-face showdown, you tried to work things out with words, but I refused to listen, so just like your hero Steven did when diplomacy failed, you fought me for the sake of what you believed in, and you thrashed me with your Pink powers just like he would!"

Taking another pause and deep breath, Emerald continued: "I wouldn't change that part either, because it only caused my admiration for you to grow. After you poofed me, I expected to be shattered; after all, that's what I would have done to an enemy. Little did I realize how compassionate, kind, and forgiving you and the Off Colors are. When I regenerated, you had already disbanded the command structure and fleet I'd been maintaining in defiance of the new order of Era 3; I figured you would at least imprison or punish me in some way, but instead you forgave me for everything and just... talked things out with me."

"Thanks to you, I finally came to understand the value of the new ideals of Era 3, of the great work that Steven did by disbanding the Empire, and I came to understand what it meant to be a good person, to care for other people rather than just for objects like our ship. You changed me for the better, and it seems only natural that I fell in love with you; I still feel like the luckiest woman in the universe because you actually returned my feelings."

With tears now streaming down her face in rivers, speaking loudly in a somewhat choked voice, Emerald forced herself to finish.

"So it doesn't matter here and now that loving you will someday cause me pain. As I said, I wouldn't want to have things any other way! It seems like your grief over losing your dear friends, one your 'sister' and the other your hero, has caused you to begin questioning yourself and your own mortality. But please Lars, please don't beat yourself up like that! I will never hold it against you that you're mortal while I'm ageless. You, Lars Barriga, will always be the person I care for and respect the most in this entire universe; you will always be my hero, the man who changed me, the man who I love with all my heart. We shouldn't have to hide anything from each other. I truly love you Lars, and I am here for you now and forever."

With tears still streaming from his eyes, Lars looked upon Emerald with shock, awe, respect, and adoration, his jaw hanging slack for a moment, before suddenly pulling her into a tight, desperate embrace and burying his head in her chest. Heaving out choked sobs of pure agony, he spoke in a muffled voice into her blouse, practically screaming: "Emerald, I... I just... I miss them so much! I don't want them to be gone from my life, and I'm glad I'll get to join them someday; but I don't want to ever have to... have to leave you either! Emerald, I love you, and I loved them, and I just, it's all too much, and I... I..."

Lars was unable to speak further as he broke down completely in his lover's arms. Tears streaming from her own eyes, but staying strong and maintaining her composure for Lars' sake, Emerald stroked his hair and back soothingly, hugging him back and kissing the top of his head as she said: "Shhhh, it's okay Lars, just let it all out. I'm here for you, and I love you." She held him like that until he eventually cried himself to sleep, and she gently laid him down across the sofa with his head in her lap, peering down at his face with a sympathetic expression.

When the Off Colors returned to the house with the Crystal Gems, she lifted her index finger to her mouth when they entered the room to signal they should be quiet and let Lars rest; gently sliding out from underneath Lars and placing a pillow under his head, Emerald allowed Amethyst and Garnet to morosely stagger off to their rooms to continue in their own mourning, before leading the Off Colors out of the living room and saying, "there's something we need to discuss and be honest about with Lars, and it's been a very long time coming."

Cutting to eleven days later, in the present again onboard the Sun Incinerator, no one is crying again at the moment. Lars notices that his crew have been strangely silent, even considering the current circumstances. Suddenly, Emerald sighs and stands up, saying "guys, I think now is as good a time as any to get it over with."

The rest of the Off Colors stand as well (with Padparadcha being helped to her feet by Emerald), and walk over to stand in front of Lars where he's seated in the Captain's chair. He now realizes exactly what's going on. He's finally had this discussion with Emerald, but now it's time to talk with his friends, his crew, his family.

Surprisingly, it's Rhodonite who speaks on the others' behalf, wringing her hands and as nervous as always: "So uh, Captain Lars, we uh... we're all still pretty torn up about what happened... just like you are. But I... w-we... uh... we need to talk about... about your mortality. We... we're really sorry we spent so long being dishonest with you about it. But e-even if we... l-lied... about being able to accept it, none of us hold it against you that your body works the way it does. Would... would it be okay if we talked about it? Or should we wait?"

Padparadscha pipes up, "we are about to bring up a very sensitive and difficult subject with Captain Lars during this time of mourning."

Sighing sadly, but surprisingly with a slight smile now upon his face, Lars replies: "It's okay guys, I'm not mad that you lied to spare my feelings. And we can talk about this now. You guys aren't just my crew, you're my family. You can always be honest with me. So what do you wanna say?"

Notes: It's confirmed as canon that Lars and Lion are, in fact, not immortal; Rebecca Sugar stated in an episode of the Steven Universe Podcast that Lars and Lion do age, but very slowly in proportion to their slowed down heart rates.