"Why I remember my first love." Roderick was saying, "I was just 14, she was the daughter of one of my father's leagues men. She was a bit older than me and oh my was she something."

He laughed, "Quite the opposite of Farnese, which is probably for the best considering how that ended. Lady Farnese is a much more- agreeable woman, less likely to try and blackmail someone out of greed." He turned to look at Serpico, "What about you Serpico? Any great conquests?"

Serpico lifted his head and answered, "When I was with the Holy Chain Knights there were a few, but I-" He drifted off into thought, "I never got very attached."

Roderick seemed satisfied with this response and looked to Guts who was brooding over his drink. "And you Guts? I'm sure you have stories to spare."

Guts thought it over. He'd known these men for a while, fought beside them, but did he trust them? Well it wasn't about trust exactly, more just he didn't want to talk about it. Before he'd been with Casca it had been embarrassing to talk about his love life, or rather lack of one, and now it was just painful. But they saved him and they saved Casca so maybe he should tell them. "First loves?" He clarified.

Roderick nodded.

"Casca. She was the…" He drifted off, unsure of how to finish.

"Oh." Roderick said, subdued slightly, "She was the only one to…"

"Yeah."

There was a sullen silence until Serpico asked, "How did you two meet anyways?"

"She tried to kill me." A sparkle lit his eye from memories of a better time.

The other men started to snicker before full out laughing.

"Of course that's what happened." Roderick said, "Was it love at first stab?" He jested.

"Not exactly." It was painful, but also strangely relieving to tell someone. Like when He'd told Casca about Gambino, this obviously wasn't the same, but the feeling was similar, "A group from her mercenary band attacked me and she was ordered to bail them out… Their leader eventually got involved and I ended up with a wound and fever that put me out for a few days. She was ordered to keep me warm and boy, she wasn't happy about that." Guts smiled slightly. "We hated each other."

"Well that's a story." Roderick said, taking a sip out of his cup, "And yet you grew to love her?"

"Somehow, yeah." Guts answered, "She didn't make it easy either. Always nagging me, glaring at me, She truly despised me." He felt warm all over, "and it just kept happening, we kept saving each other and eventually there was no denying it. She's amazing."

Roderick nodded knowingly, smiling, "She must've been to capture your heart."

Guts grunted, neither affirmation nor denial, as he spiraled down into more memories; the bad ones, "She was going to be a mother before this." He said, catching his comrades off guard, "Before the eclipse, she was pregnant, and nothing is certain in this world and she may have lost the baby anyway, but Griffith took that away from us. He took everything away from me." Guts was gripping his cup tighter and tighter.

"You were going to be father?" Serpico asked, wondering if he heard right.

"Doesn't really matter at this point." Guts grumbled.

"Wait, how old are you?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know? 24?" Guts barked. Really? After he's been honest about all this personal stuff Serpico goes and asks him about his age?

"You're younger than me?!" Roderick exclaimed.

"Yeah, so?"

"Nothing just that…" Roderick drifted off, but Guts knew what he was thinking. Guts knew he looked horrible, how at this point he was more scar tissue than man. He wasn't vain enough to care. When your mother dies before you're born, looks are put at the bottom of your priorities. Before the eclipse when he was still whole, Guts knew he wasn't ugly. He was scarred, but not grotestly so as he was now and if they weren't scared of him, women seemed to find him attractive, or at least Casca did. But now he was ugly, on the inside and the outside, and old beyond his years. It was the brand that started this.

The brand was slowly killing him, not directly, but in the monsters it attracted, how they hunted him night and day. And then when the brand wasn't an issue the Berserker armor came into play, and that was truly killing him. Killing the human in him, it was addictive, the power it gave. Everytime he used it it he was being eaten alive. Eventually it would consume him. He just hoped it would never come to that, or it it did he could take out as many apostles as possible and none of his friends, and Casca would be okay.

How would Casa react to how he was now? This group had softened him from his black swordsman days, but he was different. Would she even recognize him?

"I really meant no offence." Roderick apologised and Guts realized he'd spaced off.

"What? No it's not…" He drifted off again. Casca was going to hate him. She was going to come back and hate him for what he did to her, what he tried to do-

Serpico and Roderick grew concerned, "You're worried." Roderick supplied, "About Casca?" Guts didn't respond, but his silence was telling, "Don't be, have faith in Farnese and Schierke. They'll find her."

When Guts still didn't respond, Roderick laughed suddenly. "Oh I know what this is. You're afraid she'll think you're ugly. Well don't worry about that either, women are strange creatures. You see I may seem just like a pretty face, but wooing women takes more then that. For me I try to charm and compliment, nothing false though." He said when he noticed the look Serpico was giving him, "My compliments of the lady Farnese are sincere, she is a magnificent woman. You see I have to go through all of these processes, and I'm sure Serpico has a similar game plan."

"When you save their life it goes a long way."

"Anyways… Guts you don't need to do that, you have a," He thought for a moment, "An aura that, lets people know you'll protect them. Women find that attractive, no matter what your outside looks like."

Guts scoffed at that. He was a sh*t protector, he was a mad dog, just as likely to bite the ones he was trying to protect as whatever he was defending them from. Perhaps protector was what he seemed like to his group, but Casca knew him better, she would know.

"No it's true." Roderick insisted, "So don't worry. She'll appreciate all of the trouble you've gone through for her. The woman you described wouldn't turn you away because you've got a few scars."

After a few moments, Guts finally said, "Maybe." He was done talking about this, about maybes and assumptions. They didn't know, and they wouldn't know until the morning, there was no use in discussing it more.

Roderick seemed to understand as he turned to Serpico and started telling him about one of his voyages on the seas. It was easy to tune them out, all that was left to do was wait. He had been waiting for so long, why now that there were only a few hours more to go did he feel so impatient?

A/N: So at some point Roderick asks if Casca was the only one Guts ever had sex with and Guts kind of misunderstands and responds yes, and I just wanted to clarify Guts means she's the only woman he's ever loved, not the only one he's ever slept with (although my theory on why Guts was in the situation he was on the first chapter is that she wasn't just any apostle, she was a succubus (like the one that killed Corkus, maybe she was the one, idk). And beyond that, I don't see Guts as someone who would sleep around, even as the black swordsman because he was constantly hounded by demons. There was no time for sexy time. So there's that rant)

I think these keep getting shorter and I'm sorry. This is a continuation from like chapter 250 (When they're over looking the flower tree)