"Farther Away" by Evanescence
I've been living with the boys for a few months now. We've fallen into a routine of sorts. The boys work most of the week at a meat packing plant while I'm usually off at the college, library, or band practice. But the three of us spend most of our free time just hanging out, often with the addition of Rocco, Tyler, Adam, and Caleb. Murphy and I have also continued to hang out alone often, sometimes with clothes and sometimes without. We haven't really discussed seeing other people or not. I don't have a desire to, but I'm still not sure he's the relationship type. I've been dragging my feet about finding an apartment because of that, honestly.
Today, however, is St. Patrick's Day. The boys were in a celebratory mood when I left this afternoon to meet up with my bandmates for a gig. After it was over, we planned on going to McGinty's for drinks. Because tonight everyone's Irish.
"I see you have the pre-show excitement," Tyler laughed as I refused to sit still for more than a few minutes. I grinned at him. I was just ready to go out on stage and sing. We were one of the midshows for the night. The dinnertime show. We'd be the set right before the last opener.
"It's St. Patrick's Day!" I exclaimed.
"So it has nothing to do with seeing Murphy later?"
"I mean, that, too," I admitted.
"That's what I thought. I expect the two of you will disappear together at some point tonight." I playfully punched his shoulder.
"Alright, you two, help check the rest of the gear," Caleb waved his hands at us. Tyler went over to help Adam put together his drum kit while I made sure Tyler's guitar was in tune. "So you're still dating Murphy, huh?"
I glanced up at Caleb. He didn't approve of Murphy for whatever reason. I guess maybe because he's old fashioned and he thought that we should have some kind of ground rules about our relationship.
"We're seeing each other, I don't know if I'd call it dating. We don't really go on dates," I shrugged, tightening one of the strings. It would need replaced soon but not tonight. He left the subject alone as we finished getting our gear setup and sound checked. We left the backstage area to go into the crowd and watch the other bands play.
They were both pretty good. I told the boys to make a mental note if we ever needed openers to keep them in mind. They were good at getting people up and dancing and singing along.
And then it was our turn. I fought down the nerves and excitement as we swapped out our equipment with the last band. Adam counted us down into the first song, which opened with Tyler strumming on the electric guitar until I started singing, bringing the drums in. Then the bass would enter at the refrain. Once the chorus hit, we were all in our element and entirely comfortable.
"Open my eyes, I'm reaching for you
Set me on fire, set me on fire
I'm burning inside, I'm waiting for you
Set me on fire, set me on fire
Your hand in mine, oh, I feel the fire
Two hearts that beat, oh, to feed the fire"
It was a good opener. People continued to dance, some eating various foods that the bar served, and almost everyone had a beer by now. When the song ended, everyone cheered. I smiled, putting my mic back in the stand, as I caught my breath. "Boston! How's everybody loving St. Patty's Day so far?" I asked with a smile, taking an exaggerated drink of my Guinness. That was met with a lot of cheers and hoots of approval. "We are In Silent Wrecking, that was our song Set Me On Fire, and we're honored to be playing for you guys tonight. This next song is one of the very first songs we wrote together. Obviously we've improved it because we wouldn't be caught dead playing the original version at this point." They chuckled. "This is Pretty Girls."
It started with a soft guitar with me adding in a tambourine for flair.
"You think I'm lonely
But ain't that lonely
I just go where the pretty girls go
A day like this; nobody would know"
It was a softer song, less aggressive, but it gave people a chance to finish their food, get some refills, and then wander into the area in front of the stage. People still applauded when it was over. I grinned at the crowd as we switched songs without bothering to name this one. This one started with drums, then bass, then guitar, and finally vocals. Tyler and Caleb did backing vocals on this one.
"Alone, afraid, the kid your mother made
Sitting in your room drooling like a loser with all this doom
You think, then you start to drink
Then you get so paranoid with all the drugs they fill you with (then boom)
Does it make you feel like a man? (boom)
It's not the size we understand (boom)
You think you're gonna get with me
You're never gonna get with me
You're never gonna dance with me"
The crowd appreciated the return to harder rock. I took a long drink of my beer. "That was Why'd You Bring a Shotgun to the Party-and, no, we couldn't come up with a shorter name and we don't accept abbreviations of it." Most of the crowd laughed. I wasn't sure if it was because they were drunk or genuinely amused but I didn't really care. As long as our set went well. "This is Farther Away." Guitar, drums, bass, then vocals. I got to use a vocal pedal for this one, so I could be my own backing vocals. It was also the first time I got to use my keyboard this set.
"I took their smiles and I made them mine.
I sold my soul just to hide the light.
And now I see what I really am,
A thief, a whore, and a liar.
I run to you,
Call out your name,
I see you there, father away."
The crowd was more enthusiastic about this one as Adam and Tyler brought the song to a close. One more heavy song and then we'd be closing it out with our new song, which was a lot slower. Once again, we switched without a segue from me. Vocals were the last thing to enter again.
"She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds"
"Thank you," I said, catching my breath from jumping around everywhere to keep the crowd engaged. "That was Brick By Boring Brick. Now this next one is a new song we haven't had the chance to play yet. It's a little slower than the last few, but we hope you like it. This is Big God."
I started the song off on the keyboard and vocals. It wasn't until about halfway that the drums would enter and then the rest of the instruments would follow. Well, except the bass. Caleb would be in charge of adding in some more electronic effects on the mixing board beside me, including some prerecorded brass instruments.
"You need a big god
Big enough to hold your love
You need a big god
Big enough to fill you up
You keep me up at night
To my messages, you do not reply
You know I still like you the most
The best of the best and the worst of the worst
Well, you can never know
The places that I go
I still like you the most
You'll always be my favorite ghost"
After the song ended, I thanked everyone for the warm reception to our music, introduced the next band, and then we started gathering our stuff while the next band started moving on stage. We broke down everything, loading it into Caleb and Jess's van, and then headed back to their house to drop everything off. From there, we started walking to McGinty's, still all buzzed from the excitement of the show and the beers we had had on stage.
When we walked into McGinty's, the bar was ablaze with excitement. People were laughing and shouting and being generally merry. Including Murphy, who was with another girl. Before I was able to react, Rocco pulled me into a hug.
"Cecilia, I was wondering when you'd show up!" he grinned, steering me to the bar. He was trying to keep me from seeing. Caleb shared a look with Jess, neither looking pleased. Tyler and Adam just followed us awkwardly.
"It's okay, Rocco," I smiled, knowing it looked as weak as I felt. The waitress gave me a sympathetic look, slamming down a shot of whiskey in front of me and saying it was on her. I downed it without a second thought. The guy at the bar beside me whistled.
"Jesus that was impressive," he said appreciatively. He was handsome, I thought. Once he had my attention, he extended a hand. "I'm Dean."
"Cecilia," I smiled, shaking his hand. Rocco looked like he didn't know what the fuck to do. The boys, however, got some drinks and went to the booth. Jess touched my shoulder.
"We'll be over there," she said, making sure I knew exactly where they'd be. She's always a good friend, I thought. I should really make an effort to get to know her more. Rocco ended up giving up trying to figure out if I was upset about Murphy being with someone else and left. I assumed he went back to the twins' table.
Dean ended up being a pretty nice guy and easy to talk to. We ended up sitting and drinking and talking for an hour before Connor came over, bumping into my shoulder lightly and leaning over to whisper in my ear.
"Yer really makin' him turn red, lass," he chuckled. Against my better judgement, I looked over my shoulder. Murphy looked ready to kill Dean. Something inside me snapped. Connor must have noticed the shift in my expression a split second before I was up and out of my seat. I slammed my hand on the table, staring Murphy in the eyes.
"Yeah, sucks, doesn't it? Good." Before he could respond, I turned and walked out of the bar. I was so furious I could cry. That asshole has the audacity to get angry with me.
"Cecilia, wait," Connor called, catching up with me at a light jog. "Ye move fast when yer angry."
"He's a shit," I replied, crossing my arms. Tyler was watching my coat. Connor sighed.
"No chance ye'd go back to the bar for your jacket, aye?"
I shook my head. He shrugged his off, draping it around my shoulders.
"Would ye wait a second?" I gratefully hugged it closer to me, stopping to look at him.
"Murph's an eejit. He does really like ye."
"He's got a shitty way of showing that."
"Says the lass that immediately started accepting drinks from someone else." I gave him a pointed look. "Yes, I know ye went to see Murph. I've already covered that he's an eejit."
"I'm not going to mark my territory on him," I argued, eyebrows raised. Connor sighed, looking much older than he actually was. He draped an arm around me, deciding there was no use in arguing with me.
'Come on, then, let's go somewhere else."
"No, it's St. Patrick's Day. You go back to the bar and find some hot blonde," I teased, fighting back the tears. "I'm gonna go home." He opened his mouth to protest. "I want to be alone, Connor."
"Alright, let me at least walk ye back then."
I consented to that. He kept his arm around me as we walked in silence. Once we were back there, I gave him his jacket back.
"I'll get yers when I'm there."
"Tyler should have it," I nodded gratefully. He opened his mouth again. "Don't worry, I'm going to stay here. I'm going to sober up and then I'm going to study. I'm fine." I took a deep breath, looking as okay as I could manage. He sighed, nodded, and then left. I watched him walk away before closing the door and locking it behind me.
I curled up on the couch with a notebook and began writing. By the time I was done, I had the rough draft for a song. And it made me angry. I made a noise of indignation, tossing the notebook against the wall and burying my head in my hands as I began to cry. I had to move out. Caleb was right. I couldn't keep doing this. I had developed deeper feelings for Murphy, which he didn't seem to return. I had to put some distance there.
Just as I had made that resolve and stood to make some tea, the door opened. Murphy was standing there with my jacket, looking guilty as all hell. I clenched my teeth, pushing my lips together. I was angry all over again. Instead of saying anything, I ignored him and continued what I was doing.
"Cec, can we talk, please," he said softly. I continued to ignore him, turning on the stove and staring at the kettle. I know from experience that staring at water won't stop it from boiling. I had lots of practice when I was mad at Aidan. Talking to him never resolved anything. I just ended up bottling most of it up inside until I managed to bury those feelings deep inside.
"Cecilia," he pleaded, touching my arm. I shrugged him off, turning on my heel to point my finger in his face.
"Do not touch me, Murphy McManus," I hissed. He looked surprised. I assume Connor had told him I'd probably be crying. I wanted to, but the anger makes it harder to cry.
"Nothing happened," he tried to defend himself.
"Aidan used to say the same thing. I'm not having it," I said firmly. "I'll find some place tomorrow, then you can do whatever you want with whoever you want."
I went to move around him but he blocked me. I went the other way. Blocked.
"Goddammit, Murphy, fucking move," I finally said exasperated. "I was so excited to see you today and then I walk in and you're with some other girl. So you don't get to act like I'm the irrational one because I'm angry. Move."
"I thought that that was what ye wanted," he blurted out. I looked at him, completely taken off guard. He was being serious. Is his brain inside out?
"Why the hell would I want you to sleep with someone else?"
"I didn't think ye wanted anything more. Ye just got out of a relationship and I didnae want to push ye." I stared at him, entirely confused now.
The kettle started to screech.
"Nothing happened. I will never do it again if that's not what ye want," he said softly, stepping closer to me and pleading with his eyes. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to yell at him and throw things and then cry about it. But his expression made that resolve melt away. He was being sincere. "I love ye, Cecilia, I don't ever want to do anything to hurt ye."
I slapped him upside the head, lightly but firmly, and then kissed him. "You're an idiot but you're my idiot. I love you, too."