Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. It's property of Tite Kubo.

Author's Note: Hi! Sorry I didn't update yesterday. It was my mother's birthday and I decided to spend time with her. I also had a bit of a spat with someone important so I wasn't feeling like writing, especially because today's one-shot is hella sad. I'm sorry in advance for all the Ichigo angst, but you guys knew it was eventually coming as I just cannot stop writing him being an angsty mess from time to time. As for the chronological order, this is another flashback one-shot that goes before Rukia comes back, so, you know, angst fest in here-

Hope you like it and thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

See ya!

you're in my veins

Prompt: all my demons have your smile

Summary: Ichigo doesn't know how he's going to live without her. But he feels he must.

Everything is dark.

It's more than you can take.

But you catch a glimpse of sun light.

Shinin', down on your face.

Ichigo is no stranger to loneliness.

In a way, he has always felt alone.

Ever since his mother passed away, he has been by himself.

And though, deep down, he knows it is not entirely true, growing up, there was never someone who could understand him.

That is, until Rukia came into his life with the force of a tornado.

It is as if there were a before and an after Rukia.

Of the things she had changed.

Of how she had changed him.

Rukia had not only given him her Shinigami powers.

She'd given him so much more.

She had singlehandedly changed his whole existence, and for that Ichigo will always be grateful.

But there is something more fundamental.

She had given him an even greater gift.

To have someone that could truly get him.

To have someone understand what is going on in his mind.

Someone to lift him up during his darkest times.

Someone who would trust him no matter what.

And she had proven it time and time again.

But there's a downside to this magnificent bond they have.

Something Ichigo hadn't processed during their first moments together.

That it could be easily taken back.

Because Rukia's not from this world.

And in between the time spent with him, there are large absences.

Somehow, Ichigo had fooled himself into believing it wouldn't happen again after her last absence.

How great was his surprise when, after the war, Rukia had been gone two years.

It isn't like she had planned it.

She needed to stay behind.

Needed to help rebuild what the war had destroyed.

Needed to fulfill her duties.

Ichigo gets it.

He respects her for it.

But it doesn't diminish the fact that there's a hole inside of him.

A painful reminder of what he had lost.

Like a gaping wound that just won't scar.

Daily, a million questions rage in his mind.

Asking why she didn't try more.

To come back.

To, hell, even visit him.

The most rational part of him knows that two years aren't a lot for Rukia.

She has lived over a hundred years.

Time passes by slowly for her.

However, she must know he's human.

That he's frail and weak and useless.

That he needs to be tied down.

And she…

Rukia anchors him.

Gives him a reason to continue.

Gives him the will to keep up with the speed of the world.

Still, she doesn't come.

And as days, weeks, months keep passing him by, he realizes she may never come back.

Or that she may return when it is already too late.

(In his nightmares, Ichigo sees her again on his deathbed)

Meanwhile, he's stuck in a half-life.

Not knowing what he is anymore.

Human.

Shinigami.

Does it matter?

He feels like a Hollow most days anyway.

But he's unable to move on.

Because no matter where he looks, Rukia haunts him.

She's his personal ghost.

Anywhere he looks, he sees her smile.

(But it's never her there)

It isn't fair.

To him.

Or to her.

He owes it to Rukia to continue living as best as he can.

To make the most of his situation.

To act like the hero he's supposed to be.

But Ichigo doesn't know how he's ever going to live without her.

Not when she is so engrained inside of him, she's part of his very soul.

Rukia's a part of him now.

She's in his veins, in his bones.

In every single thought.

And though there are ways he could exorcize her from him, he doesn't want to.

If he can't have her, he'd rather have little reminders of her until the end of time.

So, that is what Ichigo decides in the end.

To continue existing with this pain.

And even if it hurts, he never stops trying.

Because he wants to be the kind of person Rukia would be proud of.

The man in her heart.

As long as he has the memory of her, he can go on.

Eventually, he forgets seeing her again is a possibility.

His life becomes a routine.

Wake up, go to classes, go to work, come home, sleep.

Every. Single. Day.

And still, she's there.

("Wake up, Ichigo, you're running late!"

"What does this mean? This class is kinda boring but it's important you pay attention."

"Time to study, you fool."

"Your boss is kind of weird but I like her!"

"Your family's as lively as ever!"

"Time to sleep, Ichigo. Sweet dreams.")

She's everywhere.

He feels her in the sun, the moon, the stars, the snow.

And somehow it feels him with a particular sense of joy to know she will never truly be gone now.

She is him.

And he is her.

That is enough.

(Until Rukia comes back for sure.

Having missed him as much as he had missed her.

Then his thoughts ring particularly true.

She and him…

The two are one and the same.)

A/N: It's sad hours in here.

So, the title and the lyrics at the beginning are from Andrew Belle's song In My Veins.

Fun fact, this song has been in my IR playlist for forever as it used to fill me with the whole 17-months-without-Rukia feels and for IchiRuki Month 2016 I made an edit with that song and posted it on Tumblr. And guess what happened in August? It came true. So, you can all blame me for our ship sinking as I jinxed us.

There is not much else to say about this one-shot other than it is sad and fills us in on what was going on inside Ichigo's mind before Rukia decided to come back for good, which corresponds to his insecurities regarding his position in Rukia's life and why his friends' comments hit that hard.

And now you know why Ichigo hugged her back in the first one-shot.

Hope you liked it and sorry if I made you guys cry.

See ya!