"Walk Soft" by Wye Oak

Tyler and I walked to the apartment in silence. I was exhausted from being so angry and also just nervous. When I walked into the apartment, Connor and Murphy were on opposite sides of the room, clearly still pissed at one another. Tyler raised his eyebrows at the situation. When neither twin said anything, he shook his head and walked over to Connor. "C'mon, we're going for a walk. I don't care where we go. Just as long as it isn't here," he instructed. Connor glanced at Murphy before getting up, silently, and following Tyler out of the room.

"Why are ye always running back to him?" Murphy broke the silence, startling me.

"Who? Tyler?"

"Aye, why him?"

I stared at him in exasperation. "Murphy he's gay," I threw my hands in the air. We have monumental foundational cracks in our relationship and he's jealous of my gay best friend. "And he's also always there for me. If I need him, he doesn't change his mind two seconds later. He's there for me. And he helps me fix whatever is wrong."

"Ye saying I don't do that?"

"Do you hear yourself? You literally said you didn't want to move to Germany without Connor and Noah because it was pointless. You're supposed to be moving there for me."

"I am moving there for ye," he said angrily. "I just can't let this go."

"I can't do this. I don't know how you can keep picking this!"

"Because it's me calling, love."

"No, a calling is finding out you're a mechanic or something." He opened his mouth to speak but I kept going. "You almost died last time! I almost died. Rocco did die." My voice caught in my throat as I felt my resolve not to cry dissolve.

"I'm not going to die."

"That's bullshit, Murphy. You and Connor fucking walk around like you're invincible now. You're human."

"We're doing God's work," he insisted. "We'll die when God wants us to."

"And the hell to anyone else then. Fuck whoever gives a shit about the two of you." I rubbed my face with my hands. "I can't do this anymore, Murphy. I can't keep arguing with you over this. You're either done or you aren't. And if you aren't, just let me go."

"I can't make that promise," Murphy said softly. The anger in the room had dissipated. Now it was just disappointment. I looked up at him sadly. "I love ye, Cecilia, I do. But I have to do this."

I held his face in my hands, kissing him gently. I wanted him one last time. Just one more goodbye.

We had gotten dressed again and Murphy was helping me gather my stuff when Tyler and Connor returned. Tyler took the heaviest of my things silently. I'll stay with him until I leave. I had gotten rid of my apartment after Murphy said he loved me. I didn't have anywhere else to go.

I hugged Connor goodbye and Murphy walked me to the door. Tyler waited out in the hallway. Murphy hugged me, inhaling the scent of my hair. Gently, he kissed me goodbye. "I love ye, Cecilia."

"I love you, too, Murphy."

And then I left. Tyler and I walked back to his apartment in silence. Once we were inside, however, I broke down crying. Tyler put my things down, kneeling beside me as I cried. I wanted so badly to make it work, to just go back and take everything back. But I can't. This is how it has to be.

The rest of my time in Boston was miserable. Tyler, Caleb, Jess, and Adam tried their best to cheer me up. I tried to fake it to feel it. But I couldn't. Everything felt numb. It was as if I had slipped beneath the surface of the ocean and couldn't get back to the ones that I loved that were still on shore.

But today is the day that I fly to Germany. Maybe it'll be good for me to put some distance between myself and Boston. So much has happened in the last four years that I've been here. I moved here for someone I was in love with that turned out to not be the person that I thought he was. And now he's dead. I killed him. I made a group of amazing friends, and we have a lot of love between us. But our lives are pulling us all in different directions. Caleb and Jess are going to start a family. Adam and Tyler have been having more problems than usual. Tyler and I will always be best friends. Distance and time can't break our bond. I reconnected with Rocco. Thinking about him and his goofy smile still shatters my soul into a million pieces. We didn't have enough time together. But I'll carry the memory of him with me always. Connor became one of my good friends, like a brother to me. He was so easy to talk to. And, oh god, Murphy. I love him more than I ever loved Aidan. Walking away from him was the hardest thing I've ever done. It's probably the hardest thing that I'll ever do.

"You ready?" Tyler asked, his long hair pulled up into a bun. I turned away from the window and nodded. It would just be him and I going to the airport. "Hey, don't cry. Today's an exciting day. And you've got a long flight ahead of you."

I wiped my eyes, nodding. I didn't trust myself to speak without crying. Tyler grabbed my bags for me while I took my guitar. I had gotten rid of most of my things, but my guitar was coming with me. Music didn't feel right at the moment, but it would again some day. My emotions are just too raw right now to sort through.

We made small talk on the way to the airport, nothing heavy or deep. I think he was afraid I was going to change my mind and make him turn around. But I couldn't stay here. At this point, being in Boston just brought me more pain.

Tyler parked the car, helping me into the airport. He stood with me, trying his best to make me laugh and feel at ease as we checked in my large bag and guitar to go in checked luggage. I kept my messenger bag full of some necessities and books for the plane ride. He stayed with me up until I had to get in line. Once I was through the passport and boarding pass check, I turned and waved at him. I hoped my smile was convincing as I blew him a kiss.

He laughed, forming a heart with his hands as a response. And then I was walking on the plane. I wished that this was one of those cheesy romantic comedies I made fun of with Murphy. If it was, he would've run up to me when I was boarding and tell me that he was wrong about everything and that he'd follow me no matter where I went. Then we'd get the nice old lady beside me to switch seats with him so he could be with me. And then we'd start our life together in Germany. But this wasn't like the movies. The plane took off without Murphy coming to whisk me off of my feet once again.

I don't regret any of our time together. But my heart is so heavy now that I'm surprised the plane wasn't over its weight limit. It wasn't until I could no longer see the city that I pulled out one of my books and began to read. I needed to be in someone else's head that wasn't mine for a while.