Sirius

Fuck. I didn't think that through at all. Moony is just so good-safe-want, and I get caught up in it. Padfoot gets caught up in it. Padfoot doesn't understand the rules of society, doesn't play the mind games we create for ourselves. I'm there too, in the background, but taking control is a conscious, deliberate effort.

"How are you feeling?"

"Shite, I'm sorry Moony. I wasn't thinking."

Moony looks, if possible, even more embarrassed. "No, I meant - earlier, when you transformed, suddenly you weren't angry anymore. I thought maybe it'd help now too?"

Oh. That's why he "wanted fresh air." To be honest, I was just relieved for an excuse to leave the library. I've never been good at focusing in there. Never been good at focusing, period. Which makes it hard to study. I'm pretty bright, so I get away with it, mostly. Doesn't hurt to have Moony around, either; he's always trying to keep me on top of things. The amount of homework I'd just never have done without him…

(Well, I wasn't entirely relieved to leave. This morning had been amazing, and I knew objectively that the hopes of salvaging it were at that point slim, but leaving the library with Moony - it still felt like giving up, in a way.)

"It was a good thought, but I don't think so. It's more like... Padfoot doesn't do complicated emotions; people are just good or bad. And you and Prongs are the best people in the world to him. Being Padfoot let me take a step back from my immediate feelings. It let me have a good time with you guys."

He nods.

"And then when I transformed back, I had this whole, I dunno, emotional continuity of happiness that I could just carry on with. I get stuck, sometimes. It's like... sometimes I'm angry and I don't want to be, but I don't know how to stop. One part of me wants to be upset, wants to say every mean thing I can think of. And some more rational part of me realizes that's going to be a trainwreck. But I can't just not be upset, cause the first part is in charge of my emotions. Putting Padfoot in charge got the anger into the background; it let me be happy and playful and relaxed with you guys. And then we had a fun morning and that gave the happiness momentum, so when I took over again I could latch onto it in place of the anger."

Moony's grinning. "That's incredibly cool."

"Yeah?" I sink down against the trunk of the tree behind me.

"Think how useful that is! Look, Sirius..."

Folding his legs under him, he drops down to face me, staring intently. "I think you get in your own way a lot. By treating things as problems, you turn them into problems. Honestly, I think things between you and James, you and Lily - I think they could be really good. That only problem is we're stuck in this equilibrium, where everything is adversarial, instead of that one."

At this point I'm feeling pretty defensive. I was there first. I am not the problem.

It must show on my face, because Moony grabs my hands. "Hey, not like that. I just want everything to be ok for everyone again."

Ok, deep breaths. Moony is good. Moony is safe. Moony isn't out to hurt me. I squeeze his hands. He squeezes back, smiling tentatively.

"Just - imagine a future where Lily's practically one of us. Where you and James are still best mates, out of school but off at each others' flats a ton anyway. Where everything feels easy and stable. Doesn't that sound good?"

I sigh. "Yeah. It's just - there's no guarantee that things will ever be like that. It feels so inevitable that they won't. I feel like I have no control over it and that's bloody terrifying."

He squeezes my hands again. "Yeah." He pauses. "But that's how everyone wants things to turn out. So that helps some. And I know this doesn't make it any easier, but if we can use Padfoot to start engineering situations where we all have fun together, and bring Lily into those, I think things have a really good chance of working out. A much better chance."

I want so much for Lily Evans to just disappear, for everything to be safe and stable and ok again, but I guess I can't stake my hopes on that. I don't like it, but as usual, what Moony's saying makes sense. Sighing, I nod. "Yeah."

It's going to be hard. When I'm upset, it's hard to override that. At the time, saying mean things just feels so natural and justified. And pulling myself away from that, even just to transform, takes a lot of willpower. It feels like acknowledging I'm in the wrong, and when I'm upset like that it feels inconceivable that I might be in the wrong. But I don't want him to know all that. I don't want him to think less of me. He already has enough reason to, even without knowing all this. I mean, I did hint at it, earlier. But somehow it sounds even worse, saying it like this.

After a couple minutes, I break the silence. "Moony?"

"Hmm?"

"Do your parents have friends?"

He frowns guiltily. "Not really, I guess. I think they used to. It's hard, raising a werewolf."

Crap. I shouldn't have brought this up. The last thing I want is for him to feel guilty.

"Why do you ask?"

"My parents don't either," I say. "Do you think that's just how marriage is?"

I can see the moment he figures it out, figures out what I'm really asking. "Oh, Sirius. No, I don't. What you have with James - lots of people never have something like that, married or no. It might be how having kids is though, somewhat. I mean, I think plenty of people with kids still have friends. But kids take a lot of time, and if your friends aren't interested in hanging out with the kid too... well, I could see that. But I don't see any reason why it has to happen, and with just getting married, I don't really see any reason why it should happen at all, honestly. Especially since it's important to you two that it doesn't."

I sigh. What he's saying makes sense, but I still wish I could think of some counterexamples.