"Roses/Lotus/Violet/Iris" by Hayley Williams

The next few weeks were very relaxed. Most of our spare time was spent visiting Noah, Murphy, and Connor. My mom had even started coming along and, tentatively, warming up to the boys and their dad. She and Noah were even going to watch them together while Murphy and I went on our date. Since I had specifically requested no awkward nonsense, we agreed on going hiking instead.

"Are ye ready?" Murphy asked, watching as Kelly tried talking Noah into playing tag with them. Noah looked uncomfortable with the idea. I found out that he wasn't really around when the boys were young, so small children are kind of a mystery for him. He's slowly figuring out how they work-and when they're trying to just mess with him.

"Yeah, I'm just watching your dad try to cope with being bamboozled with the kids," I smiled at him.

"Kel, stop harassing your granda," I called. "And be good. You, too, Declan."

They both shot me their most innocent smiles before waving us off and going right back to harassing their grandparents.

"They take after you," I informed him as we left. He laughed, putting his hand in the small of my back and leading me to the car that they had on the farm.

Wherever he was taking me was fairly far away, so it gave us a lot of time to just chat in the car. And, to my relief, there wasn't any awkward silence. He's always been so easy for me to talk to and I'm glad that our time apart hadn't changed any of that.

Eventually we arrived.

I had no idea where I was, but it was beautiful. It wasn't a very extravagant set of mountains, more like little hills and a long, flat stretch of land that was actually a cliff and overlooked the Irish Sea. Murphy opened the trunk, pulling a backpack and a blanket out of it. He linked his hand with mine as we walked along the coastline in a comfortable silence.

Murphy stopped us when we got to the farthest edge of the cliff from the car, laying down a blanket for me to sit on while he set everything out for the picnic. It's one of the few times I've seen him so nervous about getting everything just right. It was very sweet and I appreciated how hard he was trying. He even went through the trouble of, messily, serving our food and drinks. Though he had been relaxed before, he now seemed to have the nervous jitters of a first date. I guess we never really had an actual first date.

"Murphy relax," I smiled at him, resting my hand on his.

"I just want everythin' te be perfect," he admitted.

I gave his hand a squeeze. "It already is."

He furrowed his brows slightly, giving me a look that clearly indicated that that hadn't been what he meant. I chuckled, opening my mouth to reply but stopped short of saying anything, my mouth falling slightly as I experienced the strangest feeling. I couldn't place what it was exactly. It was a wave of calmness, washing away any emotion I was feeling, and then a cold creep in of heightened awareness and apprehension.

"Something's wrong," I stood abruptly, having trouble focusing on the scenery around me. I kept thinking of the farm. I needed to be there immediately. I have a cellphone, I remembered. I shushed Murphy's confused and concerned questions, calling Tyler.

"Yeah?" he answered, sounding highly distracted.

"Tyler, are you at camp?"

"No, I'm getting supplies in town. Why?"

"This is going to sound insane, but can you get back to the farm and check on things?"

"Cec, what? Are you okay?"

"Forget how weird it is, just please do this for me," I pleaded.

There was a slight hesitation before he agreed, ending the call.

When I turned around, Murphy was studying me. He had already managed to pack everything back up. He didn't look angry or hurt. Instead, it almost looked like he was in disbelief.

"What?"

"Ye heard it," he said simply, putting an arm around me and leading me back to the car. I didn't ask him to elaborate on the way home. We didn't speak at all, in fact. I was still entirely on edge. And what he was insinuating was ridiculous. I don't believe in God. I didn't mind the Church when I knew Murphy before but...now, I just can't bring myself to believe in it at all. If there was a God, my life would be different. Declan and Kelly would have grown up with a father. I wouldn't have been scared and selfish and monopolized Tyler's time. Tyler wouldn't have been worried about me doing something crazy like disappearing forever. A benevolent God wouldn't allow that to happen. And I don't want the God that would.

It was a long, silent car ride back. When I got back to the farm, Connor was sitting on the porch with Tyler. Both were smoking, though Connor looked a lot more calm. "Good thing ye called when ye did, lass," he stood as he came over to us. His eyes connected with Murphy's. I watched Murphy's jaw tighten.

I looked at Tyler. "The kids are at camp with Gabriella. I'll go let her know you're back," he said, accurately reading my body language.

"I'll be down shortly," I nodded, before turning to the twins and looking back and forth at them. "No more secrets."

Connor sighed, put out the rest of his finished cigarette, and immediately lit another one. "Someone tried coming to the house. Da kept the kids safe," he held up a hand before either of us could ask, "nobody got hurt." He looked at Murphy. "They were after us."

"They?" I questioned.

"The Russians, the Italians-who knows. No identification. Nothing. Just a fake passport." Connor handed it to me. I opened it, checking the stamp.

"Boston." I looked up at Murphy. "I told you that this whole thing was a bad idea." He started to protest. "No, you don't get to try and argue that you were right about this." I shoved the passport at him. "This means that you weren't." I crossed my arms. "Now what are we doing about this?"

"We?" Murphy asked, clearly startled.

"Well I'm not letting the two of you handle it on your own."

"We have Da-"

"No, someone that can protect the kids needs to stay with them." They exchanged uneasy glances. "I'm not taking no for an answer. You either let me come with you, or I'm just going to do it anyway. I know how to shoot a gun," I reminded them. It got awkwardly silent as they remembered the night that Rocco had died...and the night that I had shot Aidan.

"She is smarter than us," Connor said with a shrug. Murphy turned his head to glare at the older twin, slapped the passport onto his chest, and then stormed off. "Ye really heard God this time?"

"I didn't hear any God," I said a bit more harshly than I meant. "It was just intuition."

"Someday ye won't be so angry wit Him." He lit another cigarette. His nerves were shot. Before he could exhale after the first drag, I stole it from him and took a drag, walking after Murphy with it. I haven't smoked since living with them. But my nerves were shot, too.

"Ye can't come with us," Murphy said, running his hands through his short dark hair. "The kids can't have no parents."

"Noah, Tyler, and my mom can handle it," I said, handing him the cigarette. He took a drag before realizing I had been smoking. "Today's more stressful than I thought it would be." I sat down in the grass, watching the sheep wander aimlessly in their fenced area. He sat beside me, cigarette dangling between his fingers. I studied him. He was scared. Conflicted. I didn't feel scared. I wanted to protect Declan and Kelly. Connor and Murphy, too.

Murphy turned his head to look at me, realizing that I've been staring at him. "You really are serious."

"I can handle it, Murphy, I can."

"That's what I'm afraid of. You changed after that night." He looked away from me.

"I can't separate parts of my life like that. I just change. That doesn't change how I feel about you or the kids or anyone else. I know what people like that are capable of now. I'm not having my children learn that. And I don't want them to go through the same things that we have."

He sighed, muttered something to himself, flicked his cigarette away, and then kissed me. A sheep bleated behind me. Erik was standing there, casually chewing on some grass. She let out another bleat before walking back to her enclosure.

"She's such a weird fecking sheep," Murphy laughed. I couldn't help but laugh with him, interlacing our fingers. Being with him still makes me feel safe. I hope that never changes.