"Barbies" by P!nk

"Ye have everythin'?" Connor asked me as I zipped up the duffel bag on my bed. I turned to face him, nodding. He was trying to hide it, but he was tense. The boys couldn't just get on a plane and go back into Boston. There was still a warrant out for their arrest. They'd have to get in illegally. I could technically fly into the country without any issues, but I refused to leave them out of my site. They'd find some way to slip away from me and get in even more trouble.

"Yeah, I think so."

"And yer sure?"

I shot him an unamused look, slinging my bag over my shoulder. He grabbed it and took it from me before it was entirely on my back. The McManus twins will be chivalrous until they die.

"Thanks." He said nothing, walking a bit away from the camp. He had already said goodbye to Declan and Kelly, both of whom were terrorizing Murphy at the moment. We were telling the kids, mom, and Adrienne that we were going on a trip for a bit. Noah and Tyler obviously knew what was actually going on. Through some kind of magic, Tyler and I had convinced Mom to stay with the twins in Noah's house. She hadn't wanted to listen to me until Tyler agreed it would be better. It wasn't hard to convince the twins to stay with their grandfather. Kelly was just pleased to be so close to Erik and Declan was pretty content being anywhere with Kelly or Mom. So that was easy enough.

I came over to the twins, kneeling down to be eye level with them. They turned away from Murphy to throw their arms around my neck. "Have so much fun, Mom!" Kelly ordered me.

"We'll be good while you're gone," Declan promised.

"Uh huh," I teased them, pulling back slightly to look at them. "I just saw you hassling your dad."

"Well that's different," they said in unison, "he's Dad. Of course we're going to hassle him."

I laughed, kissing them each on the forehead and hugging them again. Glancing up at Murphy filled me with the resolve that I needed to stand up and walk them over to Noah and Mom. Kelly grabbed Noah's hand while Declan grabbed Mom's hand. They then grabbed one another's hands so that they were in one nice, neat, familial line.

"Have fun on your trip," Adrienne hugged me. "You'll have to tell me all about it when you get back. I expect pictures. And chocolate."

"I don't think Boston is known for its chocolate," I laughed.

"Everywhere has chocolate."

"That's a valid point," Tyler chuckled, pulling me into a hug. "Stay safe, check in with me," he whispered so that only I could hear. He pulled away from me, holding my hands and studying me for a few seconds before stepping away to stand beside Noah. Noah nodded. I didn't have any doubts that he would look after the twins and the people here. Like Tyler, he was more worried about us. I was more worried about us, too. We were going in blind.

"Time to go, love," Murphy told me, squeezing my hand gently. I looked up at him and nodded, forcing a smile as we waved and walked away.

The boat ride over was...less than glamorous. We were staying down with the cargo, rats, and other criminals. I don't really interact with anyone that much. Just a random Mexican guy the boys managed to befriend. He reminded me of Rocco. God I still miss him.

"Ye okay?" Murphy asked, sitting down next to me on the cot. I looked up from my book that I had been pretending to read. "Ye read faster than that."

I smiled slightly. "Yeah, I was just thinking about Rocco."

Murphy was quiet for a few moments. "We miss him, too. I think about how things could have been different. But they aren't." Though he didn't say it, I know he was thinking that it was the way God had intended it. If Rocco hadn't died, they wouldn't have been caught by Noah saying their family prayer. And they'd be dead. Smecker and I would be dead. Kelly and Declan wouldn't exist. Mom and I wouldn't have a civil relationship. Noah would never know who his sons had grown up to be.

I ran my hand through my hair, which was in desperate need of washing, and pushed those thoughts from my mind. It does me no good to go down the never-ending path of 'what ifs.' It must be reassuring to just let God handle things. Even if it's all a farce.

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" Romeo asked, covering his eyes. I bit my bottom lip to keep from rudely laughing as I looked at Murphy. He looked as incredulous as I was.

"We're holding hands, Romeo, ye eejit."

Romeo peeked through his fingers. "I'm just trying to give you guys some privacy if you want it." He looked at me. "I mean…"

Murphy's jaw clenched, his nostrils flaring a bit. I gave up, falling back onto the cot laughing.

"Oh my god, you're all fucking ridiculous," I declared, giving up on even keeping track of where I was in my book.

"Ridiculously good looking," Connor quipped as he walked over, wiping his hands off on a dirty towel. The boys had taken to fighting to pass the time. I mostly read or slept. I didn't really feel particularly social at the moment. Going back to Boston was seeming to be a lot harder than I had originally anticipated. I guess I never really did have the time to properly deal with what had happened. I went from being heartbroken, grieving, and terrified to being pregnant and then I was a Mom and I didn't have time to worry about me. I always felt like I had to try extra hard with the twins because they didn't have their dad around. That meant that I never really took time for myself to recover from everything that had happened. And now I'm going back.

Murphy kissed my forehead, pulling me out of my thoughts and back into the present. He didn't say anything as he wrapped an arm around me, trying to bring me some kind of comfort even though he didn't really know why I was moody at the moment. And I didn't know how to tell him how I was feeling because I didn't want to make him feel guilty for how drastically my life changed. No, no more what if's. I just need to deal with this and keep my weird, disjointed little family safe. And I'll do that no matter what the cost is.