Marlene

After the exam, we file back into the Entrance Hall. Meanwhile, our professors are transforming the Great Hall for lunch, clearing away the desks and bringing back the long house tables.

"I wasn't sure about number seven," says Peter. "What'd you guys put?"

Black groans. "Come on, no exam talk. Not until there's food, at the very least."

I perk up. Honestly, I'm not really interested in discussing the exam questions either. But if Black doesn't want to…

"The one about polyjuice?" I ask. "Explain why, if you make twice as much, you must double the amount of some ingredients but leave the others alone? Yeah, that one was tricky."

"All the magical theory ones are," Peter says dejectedly.

"I got the lacewings and knotgrass, but I'm not sure why you don't double the leeches."

"Oh no, I forgot the lacewings entirely!"

Black's scowling. Perfect.

But Lily's eyeing me too, frowning slightly. Yeah, yeah, I'm not supposed to provoke Black needlessly. Fine. So I let the conversation move on.

Honestly, sometimes it feels like a miracle that Lily and I became friends in the first place. I've never much liked her favorite people, and I've never hidden it.

She was always hanging out with that Snape boy back then, didn't want to hear a word against him. And I had nothing but words against him. Not so much at first, I guess. I didn't know her so well then, so I didn't much care who she was friends with. But the closer we got, the more concerned I became. He just… didn't seem good for her. The number of times I caught her crying over how he'd changed, the people he hung out with…

I did my best to comfort her when she finally cut him loose. I was so proud of her, but I knew that wasn't what she needed. Not from me, not when she'd finally done what I'd wanted all along. So I took all of my sarcasm, all of my unsympathetic commentary, all of my dirty looks - I put it all away. I hugged her while she cried, while she mourned the friend she'd lost. She told me about all of his best qualities, told me how differently he could have turned out if only he'd made better choices, told me how much she missed who he used to be. And I nodded and hugged her closer, cursing the world for hurting her.

I suggested she spend the first week of summer hols at my place that year. It hadn't been long, and I figured she might not be ready to face all those memories yet. She agreed in a heartbeat.

At the end of the week, she still wasn't ready. But her parents missed her. She invited me back with her; this time it was my turn to agree in a heartbeat. I wanted, so much, for her to be happy. And if she needed me by her side as she faced it? Of course I'd be there. I would do anything for her.

She'd never had me over before. I don't think she'd had anyone from school over. She'd been over to mine before, but I think she thought of her hometown as a place just for her and Snape, where all the realities of school couldn't get in the way.

He came by every day that week. Begging to see her, to apologize once more. And every day I sent him away. Lily thought it'd only encourage him, if she came down herself. I don't think she'd approve of some of the things I said, especially towards the end. But she never asked.

The next week, we went back to mine. I thought she could use a break. Having your ex-best friend come over everyday to apologize? It's a lot, even if you don't have to interact with him directly.

During the day, we'd go on long walks. No particular destination, just pick a direction and explore. On warm nights, we snuck out to the playground near my place. We'd stay up for hours, just sitting there in the dark, talking about anything and everything. The next day we slept in, then we'd do it again.

We spent the whole summer that way, hopping between her house and mine. At first it was about what she needed, about comforting her after the split with Snape. But the longer it went, the more intolerable it sounded to not have her by my side. The more Lily I had, the more I wanted. She was interesting, alive - in a way that no one else was. In a way that sent butterflies to my stomach and a thrill to my bones. In a way that I somehow hadn't realized, mere weeks before.

What did I want, exactly? I didn't know. I just knew that I wanted it.

One night, as August drew to a close, I finally told her. We were at the playground again - she sat at the top of the slide, head lolled back, and I sat at the bottom.

"Lily?" I asked, my heart beating wildly.

"Hmm?" She looked down.

"I think I…" I paused. God, this was so hard. I decided I'd have to force it out anyway. There would never be a time that felt right; if I let myself stall, I'd stall forever. I closed my eyes and rushed through the words, feeling color rise to my cheeks. "I think I want to kiss you?"

I wasn't actually sure that that was true. I still hadn't figured out what it was that I wanted, just that I wanted her. But it seemed like the thing to say. The sort of shape a want was supposed to take. Now that I'd said it, it sounded terrifying.

I opened my eyes once I'd gotten it out. The seconds felt like an eternity as Lily stared at me, surprised. I wasn't sure which answer I was more scared to get.

"Oh." She slid down to sit in front of me. My heart threatened to beat out of my chest. "I'm sorry. I love you, Marlene, but not like that." She smiled sadly at me.

I nodded, trying to pull myself together. "Ok. Do you… do you want to go back to Cokeworth? You don't have to stay here."

She looked surprised again. "Oh, sure. Yeah, I can do that."

"I just meant - I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"Oh. I'm not," she said, squeezing my hand.

"- oops!" She looked down at our joined hands. "Do you want me to stop doing this?"

I laughed. "I really don't, that's the whole problem."

She grinned back at me. "Yeah but, I dunno, maybe you want space."

I shrugged. Space sounded pretty terrible, honestly. I wanted more Lily, not none. "I dunno either. Maybe I should, but I don't." I stood up, tugging on her hand. "Come on, let's go look at the stars."

We got back to normal pretty quickly. The key, we figured out, was to mention it when things started feeling awkward. To joke about it, laugh it away. She'd rejected me, but in some ways it actually made us closer. The absence of this big secret between us. It was freeing to have it all out in the open.

Not that I wasn't disappointed, of course. I absolutely was. Half the things she did made me want her.

Joking about feeling awkward?

Want.

Smiling at me?

Want.

Crying about fighting with her sister?

Want.

Pulling up her hair?

Want.

So yeah, being around her was intense. Bittersweet.

It still is, sometimes. These days, my feelings come and go. Some weeks they're out in full force, some weeks they're barely there at all. I try to focus on the good bits. To pay attention to all that I do get of her, instead of longing for what I can't have. I dunno. Sometimes it works. But mostly I'm still figuring it all out.