"The Change" by Evanescence

I woke up later than usual, feeling that usual heaviness that follows a restless sleep. Murphy and Connor were off somewhere, probably giving Romeo a hard time. This gave me some time to write in my journal a bit. I've been neglecting it since reconnecting with the boys. I try to write in it every day, but that just doesn't happen most of the time. But I've always liked the idea of leaving behind a collection of journals for my children someday. So I started writing them when I was in high school.

Yeah, call me cliche. I've always wanted the husband and kids deal. That's probably why I tried making it work with Aidan so long. I was afraid that I wouldn't find anyone else. It was irrational, obviously, but fear isn't rational.

I paused from writing, resting the pen against my lips as I thought about what was currently happening once again. Editing all of that out of my journals wasn't really an option to me. So Declan and Kelly would know the truth some day. I wonder if we'll be alive when they learn about it or if it'll be after we're dead. Hopefully we live through this.

"Ye look like ye swallowed a cactus," Murphy interrupted my thoughts. I looked up at him, unsure how long he had been watching me stare at the paper or how long I had even been staring at it.

"I was just worrying, as per usual," I laughed. He frowned, glancing at what I was writing.

"I'm glad ye still write in them. I wasn't sure how much writing ye still did."

I shrugged. "I still write and play music, too. Just not like I used to. Usually it's just Tyler and I trying to entertain the kids. They're a lot easier to impress than a room full of rowdy, drunk adults," I laughed.

He didn't say anything else but gestured at the journal to see if he could read it. I nodded, handing it to him. Keeping secrets from him has never been something I've enjoyed doing, so I didn't really want to start doing so now. Communicating through writing has also always been easier for me than communicating face to face with someone.

It felt like an eternity before he said anything. "How long have ye kept these?"

"Since I was in high school," I answered, standing up to stretch just so I didn't have to sit there with him staring at me. I glanced behind me and saw that he was still engrossed in my journal. As quietly as I could, I walked away and went to find Connor and Romeo. It didn't take me very long to find them. Connor was teaching Romeo how to fight a bit better from the looks of it. I watched for a few moments before they realized I was there.

"I thought Murphy was with ye," Connor noted, wiping some sweat onto a rag he had hanging out of his pocket. Both were shirtless.

"He was, he's back with our things," I nodded. Romeo was definitely a lot more winded than Connor.

"Oh come on, I'm not even bein' that rough with ye. How're ye gonna keep up like this?"

I bit back a laugh as Romeo scrambled to try and look more put together. Connor likes to come off as loud and abrasive, but he's really a sweetheart.

"Or you can give Romeo a break and train me a bit." Romeo looked pleased by the idea while Connor turned a little pale.

"I donnae think that's a good idea, lass, Murph's gonna have me head if I hurt ye."

"Well, you're taking it easy on Romeo, so that shouldn't be very difficult." He went to protest again, but I got into a boxing stance. Connor quickly realized that he was either going to help me or I was going to punch him anyway.

When I was living in Germany, I dated a boxer for a while. He insisted on teaching me some self defense. I can still hear his voice telling me that "Germany isn't always safe" while scolding me for missing something fundamental. It wasn't really a serious relationship for me. He never even met Kelly and Declan. But he wasn't deterred about teaching me how to box, despite our breakup. He still writes me letters every so often and he's going to be married in the fall.

Connor clearly had expected me to still be entirely inept at fighting based on how he stumbled, not quite prepared for keeping up with me.

"Where the hell did ye learn te do that?"

"I dated a boxer in Germany for a while," I admitted. "He insisted that he teach me some self defense. But I actually enjoyed boxing. I'm a little rusty since I just never bothered looking for a gym to train at in Ireland."

"Ye aren't that rusty," he laughed. "Think ye bruised me ego a bit."

I smiled, bumping my shoulder against his affectionately. He gave me a one armed hug. "I'd better go check on Murphy."

"Speak of the devil."

Murphy was standing there, an eyebrow raised as he looked at us.

"Yer lass can box," Connor pointed at me, squeezing my shoulders with a look of pride.

"She's probably kick Connor's ass if she really tried," Romeo grinned. Connor's arm fell from my shoulders as Romeo handed me a water, which I took gratefully.

"That's sweet," I told Romeo with a grin. He started reenacting my brief spar with Connor while the twins had one of their silent conversations.

"Alright, Romeo, stop flirting and let's get back to sparring. Cec upstaged ye," Connor interrupted, spinning Romeo and pushing him away from me.

"Ye know how to box?"

I shrugged, looking up slightly at him. "I was really into it when I lived in Germany."

He nodded, his jaw unusually clenched. I sighed, turning away from the others to return to where our things were. Clearly he read something or other that he didn't like in my journal. To be honest, I don't even remember what all is in that one. It's about halfway through, so there's some overlap between Germany and Ireland.

"What's wrong?" I asked, without turning around, knowing he had followed me.

"I just didn't realize ye did so much in Germany."

"In what context?"

There was silence.

"Because I didn't just sit around pining for you the entire time?"

He winced. There it was. I sighed.

"I should have told you, but you never asked. I also never thought that I would see you again. For all I knew, you were dead."

"I should've been there." I crossed my arms, studying him.

"But you weren't and, unless you have some kind of time machine, we can't go into the past and change everything. I don't expect that you waited around for me."

"But I did. I haven't even thought about anyone else but ye." I felt my face soften. Murphy was always truthful with me.

"I tried to move on from you, Murphy. I couldn't, but I tried. After it clearly wasn't working, I stopped trying. I didn't want to be with anyone except for you. Even with everything that happened. The longer I was away from you, the less important all of those things seemed to be. But I had no idea where to find you. I didn't know if you were still alive or if someone had found you and killed you and Connor." I took a step towards him, my arms falling to my side. "I won't apologize for trying to figure out how to live a life without you. I had to. But clearly I can't."

"I thought that I was doing the right thing by staying away from ye. Especially if ye had moved on." He left out the part where he had thought that I had moved on with Tyler, focusing on the floor so that he didn't lose his train of thought. "I never stopped to think that ye struggled that much."

I grabbed his hands, causing him to look up at me. "I can't change how you feel about anything that's happened," I began carefully. "I made my peace with how things ended between us, even if it's not how I wanted them to end. But we've been given a second chance and I don't want to spend the entire time rehashing how things were or how they could have been. I just want to be here with you."

He laced his fingers with mine as I stood on the balls of my feet to kiss him. He pulled me closer to him. Though there was a neediness and an intensity in the way he pulled me into him, his kiss was soft and sweet.

"I love ye, Cecilia."

"I love you, too, Murphy."