Severus
Lily's standing in the middle of the Entrance Hall. Standing with Potter.
Potter. Black. Lupin. Pettigrew. McKinnon.
The familiar jealousy curls in the pit of my stomach. The familiar regret. Lily. I miss her so much. I want to hex him. I want to cry. I want to hex them all.
I want, I want, I want.
What I wouldn't give to have Lily smile at me like that, just one more time.
These days, the rare times Lily accidentally catches my eye, she quickly scowls and turns away.
I remember the last happy day we spent together…
Well, some of it was happy. Most of it was pretty tense, honestly, but my standards have fallen dramatically these last couple years. It was a day when Lily smiled at me, when she still considered me her friend - these days, memories like that feel unimaginably happy.
It was the middle of our first week of exams. Right after the Potions OWL, actually. Hardly a wonder that it's on my mind today…
She caught up to me just after the practical, as I was walking through the Great Hall. I was deep in thought - the exam itself was pretty easy, just brewing the Draught of Peace, but my examiner had made a comment about one of my alterations, and it'd got me thinking. Maybe I could use a similar idea on the Elixir to Induce Euphoria? Add some peppermint maybe…
Anyway, I wasn't paying much attention, so she took me by surprise. When she nudged my side in greeting, I jumped.
She chuckled, smiling at me, and I blushed.
"Heya, Sev!"
I smiled. From anyone else, that name would be unwelcome. But from her? It was a sign of affection, and I cherished it. "How'd it go?"
"Alright. The exam was straightforward enough. Couldn't remember your modification, so I just did the standard version."
"Add a touch of wormwood. Counteracts the sleepiness that the draught brings."
She smiled ruefully. "Ahh, yeah, that sounds familiar. Guess you aced it then?"
I wasn't really sure what to say to that, so I just shrugged.
"Come to the library with me?"
I nodded, and she grabbed my hand to pull me along. I felt myself blushing again.
(She's always been a toucher. I craved it. I still do. But no one touches me these days, no one hugs me. Sometimes, late at night, curtains pulled tight around my bed - I wrap my arms around myself, close my eyes. Try to imagine it's her. The only person who's ever cared like that.)
As we walked, I told her about my ideas for the Elixir to Induce Euphoria. The changes I wanted to make to it. We could test it together, after OWLs were through. Grab a spare classroom and brew.
She grinned. "Sure!"
But on the way to the library, we ran into Avery, and everything went downhill from there. She's never liked my friendship with the other Slytherins. She didn't understand. Doesn't.
I was already at the bottom of the social order. A half blood in the house of purebloods. I was picked on relentlessly my first year. I had to live with them; she didn't. Convincing them I was worth their time was a matter of survival.
And what did they want, some potions work? Some new spells invented? Some house solidarity? I could do all of that. Most of it, I'd do anyway.
The progress I've made, these last few years… they accept me, now. I'm one of them.
They're just people, really, when you get to know them. Joking around. Watching each other's backs. Protecting their own.
Friends.
My only friends, now that Lily's gone.