Hypotheticals
show: Young & the Restless
central character: Victoria Newman, Billy Abbott
summary: "The hypotheticals and the what-ifs don't matter anymore." / Or, Victoria forging a truce. For the kids' sake. Just the kids. [Victoria-centric, mentions Billy/Victoria relationship]
note: This is a re-do of the 8/24 US hospital scene after Katie has to be rushed to the clinic after her bee sting. There's something about it that bugs me, and frankly, I'm just going to do it over and write my own version. This is something from my own imagination. Really short. Enjoy, or not.

Victoria isn't kidding when she says Katie is an overachiever.

Her girl wants to be the best, wants to learn and understand the world around her, and has a wisdom about her that seems to be more than just her five nearly six years on Earth. Katie dominates kindergarten and finds that it's very easy for her daughter to grasp concepts her age struggle with. Katie only needs minimum help with her math homework, studies once for a spelling test and brings home an A while Johnny has to work a little harder at both.

Katie is such an overachiever that Victoria will find her daughter watching any sports game with Nick with such concentration and curiosity. Nick is always happy to teach her the mechanics of whatever it is, they watch before they go outside and play. When Nick teaches her how to pitch a baseball, Katie impresses him and Nick tells her that Katherine may grow into having a good arm. He teaches her how to shoot a basketball and even though, she looks a little wobbly because her hands are smaller than the ball, she's determined to learn. She's not old enough to swim in the deep end without floaties, but Katherine practices enough and is tenacious.

Her dance teacher, Ms. Robin, tells her Katie is a beautiful dancer with a lot of charisma for someone so young and she's serious. When Billy tells her Katie doesn't get stage fright the way Johnny does sometimes, has the healthy amount of imagination (which is a lot) and can cry on cue, and can take stage direction well, he throws out the suggestion – well, it's more Traci – that they enroll her in the Genoa City's Children's Playhouse for a few plays here and there.

Maybe it will be something. Maybe not, but it could be freeing for Katie. Academics. Acting. The odd sport or two. Dancer. A strong personality that would have her girl be the first female President of the United States one day.

But Katie is a normal five year old girl who still wants Daddy to do her hair, still stands on Billy's feet to slow dance with him and wants Mommy to snuggle with her in bed. She still can't sleep with Tallulah, the stuffed lamb she has since she's a baby. Katie is more vocal about wanting a puppy for her birthday this year and doesn't cry when she falls for her two-wheeler. She gets up, peddles up until she can ride it. Her knees are scrapped, but Katie wears a ladybug band-aid on the mark.

Victoria is sure Katie can do anything in the world.

Even navigate a sudden allergic reaction triggered by the sting of a bee.

It doesn't stop her from driving a little quicker than normal, the steering wheel in a white knuckled grasp and her heart in her throat.

—

There's something about a bee sting, and Billy insisting he never takes his eye off her.

Not once, Vick. She knows this.

Despite how she feels about him, Victoria knows how Billy feels about their children. It's the same reason that holds her back from an aquatic adventure for the next three months. Johnny and Katie are his whole life. He sits there, a mess of anxiety and just wondering. He probably finds it hard to be away from another child in a medical setting.

He tries to mask how he's feeling, but Victoria knows the telltale nervous habit of his: the one where he jiggles his right leg as if to pass the time and pray at the same time. Victoria knows what to say to him so he can relax, and assure him but there's part of him that doesn't want to encroach on whatever space he has and she, in turn, wants to navigate this new non-romantic, friendless dynamic she has with him now. A small pinprick of sadness strikes her every now and again because she can't even be his friend, and is certain she won't get to romantic love. She's okay with that. Victoria has the honour of watching two amazing people grow and develop in the world. It's because of him, and that's not a loss by any means.

Still, she knows what it means for Billy to worry about a child and hope for an outcome.

However, it's not the same circumstances. Not the same context. Not even the same year.

Billy tells her where Katie's room is. She's with Nate.

She moves to go after thanking him, but catches the anxious moment of Billy's leg in her peripheral vision and stops mid-step. Victoria turns around and looks at him with a slight softened gaze. None of this is his fault.

"Billy, please breathe," she says, as he looks up at her. "Katie's in good hands. You got her here as quickly as possible," she adds, with a soft smile, remembering her child is truly one of the toughest people she knows for someone so young. "You were doing what any good parent would. You took care of her."

A beat of silence passes between them, and then he says, "Thanks."

Victoria tells him he doesn't need to thank her and again, this is nobody's fault.

Except the bee.

—

"Hi, Mommy!"

Katie greets her as if a bee doesn't sting her and there's no allergic reaction. She's in a hospital bed, talking animatedly with Nate. She's not surprised. He has this way about him that has patients at ease. Victoria never forgets the advice he gives her about her anxiety, and when she finally finds a therapist to deal with her…problems, she silently thanks him. Nobody knows about her sessions with Dr. Rizzo and she would prefer that, but so far, Victoria likes her therapist for the fact that she doesn't feel as repressed and there's something liberating about walking into a safe space and having her feelings validated and entirely made normal. She never quite thanks Nate for helping her understand her own mental health, but she's grateful. As grateful as she is to have Katie smiling at her, blue eyes twinkling.

Nate gets up from the edge of Katie's bed, and she sits, littering her little face with kisses.

"Hi, baby."

"I'm not a baby anymore," she insists with a pout with narrowed eyes. "I'm five years old!"

"Yes, you're a big girl," Victoria rebuts, with playfully narrowed eyes of her own. Then she presses a kiss to Katie's hair. "But you're my baby. I see you're having a good time with Dr. Hastings here."

"Oh yeah. We're friends now, and he made the icky feeling in my chest go away. He gave me a shot and everything. It didn't even hurt," Katie says proudly, pointing in the bandage in the top of her arm. It's a bright purple colour. Of course, Victoria muses, sharing a smile with Nate. "Thank you," she says to Nate.

Nate smiles, "You're more than welcome, Katie. You know, you're the bravest patient I've ever met. But you know what? Even really brave patients have to rest a little bit."

"Okay," Katie relents and then frowns. She sighs, looking past her and Nate to the door before looking at them, more her than Nate. Victoria is instantly hit with concern that maybe the allergic reaction is back, and questions how Katie develops this in the first place. But she's more concern but her daughter's emotional well-being than anything.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?"

"Is Daddy okay? I was only brave because he told me not to be scared."

She touches Katie's cheek. "Would it make you feel better if I checked on your dad for you?"

—

"Would you feel better if I checked on him and told him you don't want him to be scared for you?"

Katie nods, and Victoria holds her face, affectionately.

"Okay," she agrees easily because she will do just about anything for this girl. Katie isn't the baby she keeps close and promises to protect regardless of who her father is anymore. But she will protect her and knows from the moment he meets her, Billy's heart is hers. "Then I'll going to get you settled for a bit," Victoria adjusts the pillow and blankets, "and talk to your daddy for you. While I'm gone, Dr. Hastings can keep you company," she tosses a gratitude filled glance Nate's way and he meets it, understanding fully. "I'm sure he wouldn't mind, right?"

"Of course," he turned to Katie and took off his stethoscope, removing it from around his neck. "Hey, Katie. I'm going to have a talk with your mom and I'll tell you what this," he showed her the medical instrument, "does. It's really cool. I promise."

"So, I can get one if I become a doctor?"

Nate laughs, and Victoria notes how good he is with Katie.

"Of course. But you have to study really hard and go to school," he pauses for effect and leans like he's telling her a secret, "for really long. But you're a smart kid. You can do it."

Katie's blue eyes sparkle with wonder as she thanks the doctor.

"See, Mommy," Katie says, proudly. "I can be president, a ballerina, an actress, a lawyer and a doctor!"

Nate hands her Elena's spare stethoscope — it's so hard to not still refer to as Dr. Dawson — and Katie comes at it the way the way she does everything. She's the type of kid to not be open with new people right away. Johnny is a social butterfly and has a confidence in social settings that make him thrive. He would make an excellent marketing executive, but Katie observes. She weighs whether someone is good in her eyes and makes a decision. She and Billy teach her about choices — good and bad. But Nate is one of the few Katie takes to right away. She's engaged, curious and Victoria can see the processing of information and the onslaught of questions and opinions Nate will be subject to. Victoria kisses Katie's hair, taking in the scent of her shampoo and promises she won't be far before updating her about her father.

She remembers the idea of a little girl loving her daddy so much. Her father is the hero, the one who will protect her, keep her safe from the ills of the world. No matter how she feels about Billy. No, she can't trust him. Yes, she's wading through complex feelings of anger, betrayal, with some loss of what can be and really, what is. It seems like she loses something for everything she gains. Victoria isn't seeking approval, or a pat on the back. Not from executives who have to respect her because of seniority but not really, because in their eyes, she doesn't match up. The Old Guard buzzes in her ear and when Stuart Donahue outright criticizes her for streamlining the company, Victoria feels the rage of a fire breathing dragon. Adaptability. Her survival depends on it. So, with the steel in her spine and coolness she cultivates her whole life, Victoria smiles at Bill, thanks him for his suggestions and suggests he leave his toxic masculinity at the door tomorrow morning. if he can't, don't come back. The choice is his.

Victoria sighs, making a decision and feeling confident in her move. This is good for the company. Reporters love her and she wakes up this morning profiled by The Wall Street Journal, an interview for Bloomberg for a television segment and comes back from a nice surprise encounter with her godson, Levi. Levi is an easy, sweet boy who gets bigger every day. Some days, he looks like Izzy and other days, he looks like Brian. It's tempting to see Izzy as attorney, but no… just a walk in the park for them while she's just ending hers and on her way back to the office.

Levi's nearly four months old and so animated. He has these wide eyes that are naturally warm and as his mother steps away to take a call, Victoria moves his stroller over to a grassy area of sunshine where the baby can be warm and babble to his heart's content. To be a baby, sometimes, is a form of bliss. He doesn't know bad things yet, his parents will protect him and maybe, it's because she never has the honour of being anyone's godparent before, but she loves this child as intensely as her own three.

He babbles, gives her a gummy smile and the sound of his laughter induces hers. She strokes his soft head of curls and whispers a thank you he will never remember. Victoria thanks him for being the best part of her day today. Izzy and Brian love their five children. Her brother is one of the best fathers she knows, and with each day, Victoria discovers that reminders of one of her strongest relationships hurts less and less. It makes her hopeful because it means, one day she will wake up and feel nothing at all.

She glances over at her little girl, happy and healthy, and knows that's a girl who will love her father forever. And how can she not? Billy adores these kids with every part of him. It's the only thing she is sure of when it comes to him. And for now, that is the most important.

—

"Nate, thank you so much," she says out of Katie's line of hearing.

"It's my job. I'm happy to, and you have a very resilient, bright girl over there, Victoria," he says glancing behind him. His face lights up slightly and Victoria almost wonders. Then again, it's not her business. Just a thought in passing. "I think you may have a future doctor on your hands."

She laughs genuinely for the second time.

"I just might and I apologize for the onslaught of questions."

"Strangely, I don't mind it. But Katie will absolutely make an excellent recovery. Billy got her here quickly and the anaphylactic shock wasn't that severe, so I was able to stop it before it progressed," he touched her shoulder. "I don't foresee any after effects from this, but I will prescribe an Epi-Pen auto injector. Two of them. Maybe three. Katie will have one at home at all times, and another for her to have on her everywhere she goes."

Victoria looks at Nate in questioning. She has no idea of any allergy in her family, aside from Summer's peanut allergy and Christian being allergic to strawberries. She knows she has no allergies and Billy doesn't either. She just wants to know the origin.

"How would she have developed an allergy to bees?"

"I would easily say that when a bee stings you, they inject venom into the body but no reaction. There's just pain, discomfort and some soreness at the site," Nate explains, seriously. "In Katie's case when she was stung, the bee venom was injected and her body reacted to the proteins in it that was perceived as a threat. Her immune response basically tried to fight the bee venom but did it so hard that it hurt Katie, itself."

"So...if I'm understanding this correctly, her allergy happened because her body thought to fight off the venom, but fought so vigorously, it began to be a threat itself?"

"Exactly."

Victoria folds her arms to suppress the small chill running up her spine. She's not even going to peek into the alternative. Katie is here. She's fine. She's her normal, happy self and occupied with the wonders of a stethoscope.

"So, what now?"

"The Epi-Pen auto injectors are a great preventive measure. I will also refer you to a friend of mine. She's a great pediatric allergist," Nate goes into a drawer and fishes out a stack of yellow post-it notes. "Dr. Neha Patel. She's at Memorial on third floor, I believe, but I will give her a call and let you and Billy know when her appointment is within the next 48 hours. Here."

"Sounds good," Victoria says, feeling assured and again, relieved, taking both the prescription and note. She walks over to Katie, who smiles at her. "Hey, you okay?"

"Uh-huh," the little girl answers. "I need Dr. Hastings, though. I have questions. Like... what does this part do?"

Katie points to a part of the stethoscope she doesn't even know.

"Alright, sweet girl," Victoria says, softly and kisses her daughter's head. "I'm going to go check on Daddy for you and come right back."

"Okay. Bye, Mommy!"

—

Victoria walks by Nate again and says to him, "She'll all yours. She has questions. Lots of them."

Nate smiles easily, "And I will happily answer all of them."

"You're really good with her. She doesn't take to people right away but she likes you instantly. Nate, forgive me if I overstep but you'd make an excellent father some day," she compliments, honestly. A look of quiet surprise, then quiet realization takes over his features.

"You didn't overstep at all. You're not the first to tell me either, but thanks for the vote of confidence, Victoria."

"No problem."

—

There's this concept of displaced emotion she's working through in therapy right now. It's the idea that when something traumatic happens, you take one powerful emotion and put onto a less threatening target. There's the perception that she doesn't empathize with an eleven year old child, having to kill to protect their parent.

She's familiar with that. Uncomfortably so.

But Adam is not harmless and he's a threat to her sense of sanity, her peace and really, her birthright. In some off kilter alternate space between dimensions, Victoria might accept Adam as he is and still, carve out a space in her head for him before her heart can even reconcile with the notion. She's not in that universe. Victoria hasn't even gotten to that part of her that says she can look Nick in the eye and understand he's unbelievably sorry for that horrendous mask ordeal and he's her best friend. How much more a brother she isn't raised with?

Her father has the ability to bend universes to his will, create others and destroy whatever is in the way. Victoria is merely doing the same and creating a universe of her own where she doesn't want love of a man, is okay with solitude, goes to her job as CEO of Newman Enterprises proudly and never compromise anything ever again.

Maybe Dr. Rizzo is reading her all wrong and therapy should end. But it's another task left undone and Victoria has to see it through. Perhaps, Victoria has landed in a shadowed, barren place in her mind. A blank canvas that needs to be touched with paints or charcoal.

The most freeing thing even with rage that churns in her gut and boils the blood of someone as cold as her (Breaking News: Ice Queens Capable of Feeling Emotion) is living her life how she sees fit. It's a productive rage—an intentional fire with calculated movements and action, the thing that feeds it.

Tonight, she'll call Reed and tell him she finally understands what it means to beat to the sound of one's drum.

The "what's if's?" in her life become right now and the hypotheticals becomes in her present. In her present are a bunch of irrefutable facts she will fight to the bloody end to set in stone. If — and that is a distant, if — Newman Enterprises burns to the ground, Victoria will thrive on its ashes and rebuild it.

Victoria goes to an art studio Eleanor loans her, fully stocked with canvases, easels, paints of every colour and brushes of every size. Channeling her emotions, she nearly acts on painting a grand skyscraper engulfed in flames but chooses to paint a field of lavender flowers under twilight.

—

It's what she has to do now as she does what her daughter asks.

Victoria is on alert, ready to trap her enemies in the flames of her finally unleashed anger. But looking at Billy, she has to choose calm and the kind of empathy only parents understand if nothing else.

—

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he looks like he hasn't moved as if waiting for something to shatter. He looks at him and then looks away. Billy adds, quieter. "I'm...fine."

"Then why do you look like you're waiting for the sky to fall on your head?"

"It just might."

"You haven't done anything to warrant being the target of some cataclysmic event, Billy," she sighs, situating in herself in a chair. Victoria reminds her to breathe and finds herself, tapping a nail against the armrest and crosses her legs. He expects her to throw tomatoes at him when Victoria is busy throwing grenades at others. Billy expects her to lay blame at his feet. A distant headache is incoming and quick, but she can always speak with him about the kids freely. "Katie wants to know if you're okay. She's worried about you."

"That kid..." Billy shakes his head, his lips unable to fight going into a wry smile. "She has this scary allergic reaction that leaves me helpless and terrified and she's worried about me. I don't know what I did to deserve her."

"You love her and make her feel secure in that always. That's what you did. She doesn't blame you," she discloses, and then clears her throat. "Neither do I for that matter. It's not like you control bees and you can't possibly have known."

"But it happened so quickly, Vick. She was fine and playing. I always knew where she was, always made sure she didn't wander away, and then… she was flushed, had this nasty-looking bee sting," Billy explains like it's happening all over again. "I just kept telling Katie to breathe, that it would be okay. I don't know if she was hearing me… but I just needed her to take a breath and she…couldn't. I don't know what I would have done if…"

He looks her in the eye for the first time since she arrives there. It's October 2013. The day where the world as she knew it becomes distant and foreign. There's the empty room of a child when her stepdaughter should be sleeping off the accomplishment of her debut performance. A little boy who follows his big sister everywhere slowly stops because he forgets her and a relationship thought strong enough to withstand even grief and loss collapses. There's him. There's her, and in time, Victoria realizes that she plays a part in her relationships never lasting. But she's working on it. Working on herself. Working on the idea of relationships have to be grounded in realism and a healthy sense of give-and-take that becomes effortless with time. She's the product of two people who ride a 40 year old rollercoaster until it gets old, creaky and finally slows down with no more sharp turns to face. Her parents are just settling and happen to love each other while doing it. Victoria can't do that and won't subject her children to it. Recalling the tiny bit of hope in Reed's eyes, she will always be sorry she puts her son in a position to hope for an idyllic house where two parents are blissful, happy with a large blended family imminent. It's just isn't and she will always bear responsibility there.

Victoria doesn't like get joy and nerves from proposal to holy matrimony. In the end, it's just a ring, a white dress and even the idea of love is abstract to her understanding. Her many weddings and her many attempts at one with whoever groom is all one giant white dress wearing, vow promising, cake cutting blur. She has different sources of getting a rush now. Acquisitions. Deals. Blackmail. The larger chessboard on the corporate landscape. She isn't the woman who succumbs to nightmares, domestic abuse and PTSD anymore, isn't the woman who is the easy target due to the foolish decisions of others around and attached to her. Victoria Newman is not the fearful woman held in a dark Miami warehouse with the glimmer of a sliver revolver pressed against her head. She isn't the woman drugged so when she grabs whatever awareness she can, the doctor performs a rape kit and confirms what her heart and body already know to be true.

Victoria is told she dies on the operating table twice after her medical induced coma. She examines and unfurls her whole life. Examines her mortality, and knows there's a lot for her to see and live through. So does Katie, for that matter and she will not be the one to hear Billy beat himself up over seemingly innocent yet unfortunate circumstances.

"Stop it," she snaps at Billy, sharper than she intends. Victoria stands and exhales, and folds her arms to protect herself. From what? Lot of things. Nothing. All the stuff in between. Her force of emotions just spilling over to the surface. Victoria pins Billy with a glacial blue gaze. "It's not the same as Delia and you know it. You hold yourself responsible for leaving her in that car with Dash. Listen, you don't control bees. The hypotheticals and the what-ifs don't matter anymore, okay? I just wish you'd get it out of your head that I want you to lose so I can win. I didn't know we were playing a game to begin with."

"So, that crack at the coffeehouse wasn't a dig?"

"That was your perception," she argues, sitting back down. She shakes her head.

"My perception?"

"You heard me," she volleys back, not caring how he reacts to this too. It's part of her newly Ice Queen personality. It's not a façade anymore. It's a defense mechanism for her, a weapon for others if they're foolish to stand in the way. "If I need to apologize, I will, but I don't. It's not warranted."

"Yep. Because you're wonderful at apologizing, Victoria."

Something snaps inside of her. It's a small, yet audible crack only Victoria can hear. It's the last of her restraint. The last bit of her nerves held together by rationale and logic. Dr. Rizzo questions if she's still angry, if the pink scar on her abdomen still hurts, if she truly works to examine healthy anger management techniques beyond breathing and counting to ten. Victoria can breathe, do all the yoga poses, run from Chancellor Park to Timbuktu and back again. As hard as it is for her to keep this rage and thirst for vengeance up, it's coming from the strong belief that she will no longer be passive and people will be punished for crossing her, underestimating her or both.

Victoria feels her eyes narrow and hisses, "I've been apologizing, Billy! I've been apologizing since Delia died! I've been apologizing since you broke us this time, and decided I wasn't enough, and you know who paid for it? Me. I'm still paying for it—" she feels her eyes get misty, and Victoria stands up to go tell Katie her father is fine and not arguing right now because it's not conducive to anything. She quietly sniffles, wipes her eyes and pulls on a mask of indifference. She can go sort this out with her kickboxing class with Thea later tonight. Right hooking a dummy in the face and sparring with a friend who knows her almost as well as Nick will be the closest thing to sweaty, aching, adrenaline fueled heaven. She's getting better at it, too, which is nice. "This does nothing, so I'm going to tell our daughter you're fine, and go fill this prescription for those auto injectors. Nate also referred us to a pediatric allergist. So, if you'll excuse me…"

"Victoria, wait…"

She can see him pinch the bridge of his nose, and doesn't even have to look at him.

Victoria stops mid-step and turns around. "I'm not fighting with you," she says, honestly without malice, or anger this time. "It doesn't help anything. I have a lot more anger in me than I realized. I have to work through, and it's valid but this isn't the time."

"We can chalk this up to worrying over Katie, alright?" Billy suggests, standing to his full height. He does that when he wants to move around after being confined too long anywhere. Old habits, new dynamic if there's one at all. "Look, when it comes to us, I'm sorry. I was selfish and wasn't fair to you—"

"It didn't matter anymore. It doesn't what I intended. It doesn't matter what you did as well. The fact of the matter is the idea of us as anything more than parents…is just gone," Victoria says with an air of resignation, and finally, gone. There's sadness, but it's being sad when visiting the grave of something precious and making peace with it when you leave. The woman who loves him is still buried underneath, deeper than six feet and bigger than any casket can hold, but Victoria needs that part of her to stay dead. "I can't think about what we would have been. I just have to move forward…however that may look like for me. I won't assume anything for you. It's not my right, so," Victoria sticks out her hand for a handshake, business-like and formal, "I propose a truce of sorts. We, at least, continue respecting each other as parents and do what is best for Johnny and Katie."

Billy looks down at her hand, at her in face as if searching it and then shakes it.

It's as easy as her decision to sell of Newman's media division to him. It's good for both of them. Just like Johnny and Katie having two attentive parents is most beneficial for them.

A beat passes, and then two before a deal more than just co-parents and less than reoccurring lovers on an endless loop.

"You've got a deal, Victoria," Billy's hand encloses around hers. "Co-parents for Johnny and Katie."

—

fin