Thirteen

Dean always tasted copper before he threw up.

Even from a young age, that's how he'd always known it was going to happen. The motel room's bathroom tile was cold. Too cold on his knees through his pants. Then he remembered he wasn't wearing pants.

He wasn't wearing really much of anything.

Dean gripped the sides of the toilet and heaved. Everything he'd drank in the last few hours came up in one thunderous wave. The whiskey burned in reverse. Dean coughed and spit a few times before leaning his head against the back of the uplifted toilet seat and sighed, waiting for more and replaying the last few minutes over again in his head.

Castiel had immediately left the room, slamming the door behind him, and looking shocked and almost ashamed the whole time. Dean shot up in bed, taking a few moments to right himself upon sitting up, and felt his chest and its contents go crashing straight down into his stomach.

He knew it deep down, Castiel was disgusted with him.

"Boyfriend?" Jay asked, leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom, and watching Dean.

Dean closed his eyes tighter, feeling remorseful.

"Not boyfriend," Jay deduced. "He must be the one who looked like me then."

Dean finally mustered up enough strength to shake his head.

"Looks like me currently," Jay whistled. "You've got good taste."

"Well," Dean hoarsely replied. "He'll never know that now, with you here."

"Hey man don't blame me," Jay chuckled, patting Dean on the shoulder. "If you want him, you need to go and get him. Before somebody else does."

Jay left without another word, but not before bringing Dean a water from the fridge. The motel room door clicked behind him and Dean was left alone in the silence with his thoughts.

Not for long. He took off running out the motel room door.

"Cas," he cried out, his throat still screamed from throwing up, and his voice came out softer.

"Cas, please. We need to talk."

Dean could still feel the alcohol coursing through his system. Every step was still filled with dizziness and the rapid succession of an increasing heartbeat. Jay was right. Dean knew he was right.

So, why was he still so scared?

Castiel appeared, after a few more moments of Dean begging. The angel's head was slightly hung, as though he didn't want to meet Dean's gaze. Dean swallowed hard, wincing at the pain that followed.

Dean suddenly felt smaller than ever before in the angel's presence.

"Yes?" Castiel replied, with all hints of niceness gone, or at least that was what Dean interpreted.

"I'm sorry," Dean croaked out.

"Is that all you have to say?" Castiel asked.

Dean felt like a kicked dog. He averted his gaze ever so slightly, trying to focus on the blinking motel vacancy sign instead of Castiel's face. Or, dare he say it, the hunter would start crying. His breath came out cold in the night air. There were stars in the sky. If somebody asked Dean to paint a picture of this very moment, he could probably do it blind. Every detail was etched into his mind as Castiel spoke.

"I thought we were past the point of being dishonest with one another, Dean."

Castiel turned to leave, clearly hurt by Dean's actions. Dean thought back to Sioux Falls. To the half drunken kiss, he'd placed upon half of Castiel's lips. His skin felt cold. His limbs had started to tingle. Of course, he'd assumed Castiel wouldn't be offended by anything he did. Dean was selfish like that sometimes.

He knew it, and now it felt as though it was too late.

"Wait!" Dean called out and Castiel stopped.

As a last-ditch effort, Dean opened up his mind. He sent thoughts Castiel's way. All the instances in his past that had made him question who he was. Dean sent the angel images of Jamie Bower, of Lee Webb, his old friend who'd he'd admittingly made out with a few times, of various times a man had turned his head that he could remember.

Then, he showed John Winchester, or rather what he believed John would do if he knew.

Lastly, he showed Castiel the day they'd met. Not the first time with the loud screeching and the busted gas station windows, but the barn. The barn covered in symbols from all beliefs, all religions.

But that night, that was the first time Dean had ever felt true religion.

The images stopped as abruptly as they'd started, and Dean opened his eyes. He knew Castiel had seen everything, every part of his soul that the hunter had borne with reckless drunken abandon. The angel's shoulders stiffened, and he turned slowly back towards Dean.

Dean threw his arms up in the air.

"How's that for honesty?" he slurred.

Castiel flew away anyway. Dean had known that he would, but it was definitely worth a shot.

The hunter lowered his arms and let out a strangled sob.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

Sam noticed how strangely silent Dean was when they pulled into the bunker.

"Dude," Sam scoffed. "You look like shit. What happened?"

Dean chose not to answer. Instead, he got out the driver's seat and slammed the door shut. He stomped off towards the main part of the bunker, slamming that door behind him too. Sam slung his bag over his shoulder, confused as ever as he walked into their home.

When Sam reached his room, he found that his bed wasn't empty.

Eileen poked her head up from where she lay. She was dressed in one of his t-shirts and though the room was beginning to get dark, she still seemingly glowed beautifully. Her hair was unwashed. Her eyes were puffy, as though from crying. Her hand shook a little as she pulled out an earbud and turned to face Sam.

Sam let his bag drop to the ground with a loud thud and immediately threw himself into bed with her, wrapping his hand around the back of her neck and pulling her in for a deep kiss.

"I was so scared," she choked out. "So damn scared."

Sam leaned back so she could see his lips.

"It's okay," Sam said. "I love you."

Eileen signed 'I love you too' and kissed him again.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

Eileen showered and came back to bed in record time. Sam had graciously placed several pain reliever bottles and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sat on the other side, going over something intently on his laptop. Eileen crawled back under the sheets, snuggling up to him, and reading over the website.

"Do you ever take a break?" she giggled.

He signed 'no' and smirked before shutting his laptop and placing it on his own side table. Sam wrapped his arms around Eileen and cuddled her close to him. He could hear the sounds of thunder outside. A storm had blown in a few minutes after the brothers had arrived, and as much as Sam loved being in the Impala watching the lightning from the passenger side, as he had as a young adult, he was extremely glad they'd arrived when they did.

It allowed for the perfect peaceful evening with Eileen after all that had happened.

"I would have been happy," Sam assured her. "Even if it had happened. We would have figured it out. I promise."

"I know," Eileen nodded. "Is it bad that I almost wish it had been real?"

Sam thought about the statement for a moment. He imagined the scenarios. A white picket fence. Three square meals a day. A dog. They'd have to get a dog. School projects. Field trips chaperoning. Eileen in a wedding dress. Eileen and him in a bed, in a house all their own. Eileen with him forever.

It was the storybook ending he craved so badly he would sell his soul for it.

"No," Sam shook his head. "I think it would have been the most beautiful thing in the world."

-8-8-8-8-8-8-

Dean had always been drawn to the rain.

Ever since he was little, he had believed in its power. Its power to heal, to comfort, and to replenish the earth in a way nothing else could. He and Sam had often gathered at motel windows to watch storms together. He could recall Sam's fingers shooting up in the air and pointing at each strike. His younger brother's eyes filled with wonder. Speculating that the energy came from beyond. From angels. From something far more powerful than the two Winchesters could ever imagine.

It felt tainted now, to be out in it when he knew it belonged to Chuck. Knowing that Chuck had made it. He begged in his mind for the innocent times to come again. For the feeling of the drops on his skin to cleanse him and to fill him up with some kind of joy once again.

The feeling never came, and the empty bottle of Jack Daniels hung heavy in his hand as he walked.

There was a lake, a small one, about a mile behind the bunker.

Dean sat there sometimes, when Sam's nose was buried in a book, and he conjured up thoughts he'd never share with another human soul. In fact, technically, it hadn't been a human soul he'd shared them with.

The look on Castiel's face when he'd flown away still haunted Dean.

The hunter stumbled, drunk once again, despite his throat having not fully healed from his last endeavor. Every step was controlled chaos. The leaves underneath him giving way a few times and he grabbed a tree trunk to steady himself. He looked up and saw the lightning crash long across the dark night sky.

Dean laughed and kept going.

The inky black lake reflected the flash beautifully. The rain droplets, coming down fiercely onto its surface, bounced and then became one with the water. Dean was drawn to the simplicity of it. He barely heard the roll of thunder as he approached close to the water's edge. He crouched down, as a mother would for a child, and peered at his reflection.

The longer he stared, the more people appeared behind him. He blinked a few times, removing the water running down his wet head from his eyes. His hair was stuck to him. His flannel was soaked. He dropped the bottle as he stared at the smiling faces.

Jamie. Lee. Jay. John. Sam.

Castiel.

Dean heard a hawk caw loudly into the night before his boot gave way in the mud and he slipped, eyes closed, over the edge of the small hill and into the lake.

Read and Review!

I know, I know, another cliffhanger, and a rather life threatening one at that! If any of you know me, you know I wouldn't kill a main character. And even if did, Dean's a Winchester. He'll come back alive somehow ;) I do have a flair for the dramatics though and believe me, some minor drama is about to occur indeed.

I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. I started out sober when I started it and then ended it kind of drunk lol. So, let's hope it isn't too weird or dark when I come back to it.

See y'all in the next chapter!