"Feels Like Forever" by Lacey Sturm
"Hey, are you busy?" I asked Tyler. He was in his tent reading on his cot.
"No, why? What's up. Why do you look so serious?" he asked, sitting up and tucking his long hair behind his ears.
I pushed his legs over to sit beside him and stared at him. "I don't know how to say it without sounding like a bitch."
"That's stopped you before?"
"On occasion. When was the last time you talked to Adam?"
"Not since he visited us in Germany. He made it pretty clear he was done being the 'third wheel.' Whatever that meant. Why? Did you run into him?"
"I did," I began slowly. "He's dead now. I'm sorry, Tyler."
Tyler inhaled, held it, and then exhaled slowly. "How?"
I looked at him sadly before explaining what had happened. Tyler sat there quietly the entire time, watching me speak. After I finished, we sat there in silence for a long time.
"That's now how I expected any of this to end when we first met," he finally spoke. His eyes were wet with tears. I said nothing, allowing him to continue. "That's how you ended up in the hospital?"
I nodded.
He shook his head, suddenly angry. "I told him to stop fucking around with those people before I left." He ran his hand through his hair as he stood and began pacing. It was something Tyler does when he thinks things through. "It's part of why I left. You needed help and someone to be there and Adam was becoming someone I didn't like. It was easy." He sat back down, burying his head in his hands. "Fuck. Would it have changed if I had stayed?"
He choked back a sob. I threw my arms around him, hugging him tightly as he cried. I was honestly more upset by this than I had been about being shot. Getting shot had been something I had expected out of Boston. Something I had prepared myself for. Breaking my best friend in the entire world's heart was not something I had ever prepared for. I wanted to take it all away for him. But I knew that I couldn't. And I shouldn't. It was something he had to go through thanks to Adam's decisions.
"I don't blame Murphy," he said finally, looking at me with bloodshot eyes. "Or you." He cupped my face with his hands, kissing my forehead. "You're my sister, Cecilia. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing."
I pulled him into another hug.
A few days later, Tyler and I were at a small river in the woods nearby. Mom, Noah, and Murphy were watching after Kelly and Declan. Well, they were probably watching Declan more accurately. Kelly had probably abandoned them to hang out with Connor and the sheep. I swear we can't ever keep her inside any more.
"You ready?" I asked Tyler, putting a hand on his shoulder. He turned to look at me, letting out a deep sigh. He was holding a box with some belongings of Adam's he had kept. We sat on a few rocks by the river as he opened it. There wasn't much inside. Some pictures of the two of them together, flyers and CDs from our band, and a few letters.
Tyler ran his fingers over one of the group photos of us. We were sweaty, a little drunk, but all smiling. Caleb, Jess, Adam, Tyler, Aidan, and I. It was shortly after our first show. Caleb and Jess had just started seeing each other. We were so young. Aidan looked happy to be with me and I was wearing my engagement ring.
"How did you do it?" he asked quietly.
"Do what?"
"How did you move on from Aidan?"
"It was a lot easier once he was dead," I answered honestly. He looked surprised. "Then it was a lot less of wondering if he'd come to his senses some day and make some big grandiose declaration of love. Instead, he just didn't exist any more." I watched the water for a few moments. "Love isn't easy. And it isn't simple. It's not so black and white about what we will and won't tolerate from other people. Sometimes we love them in spite of these things, even if we aren't with them any more. Or if we aren't in contact with them."
I looked over to find him watching me. "You always know what to say. You should've been a writer."
"No, I just write in my journals. And research papers," I laughed, bumping my shoulder against his. He smiled, pulling out another photo. This time it was Tyler, Murphy, and I. "I didn't even know you had this. Or that this picture existed. What was I doing with my hair?"
He laughed. "You were trying to convince yourself that you could wear it straight through concerts and summer humidity in Boston."
"Don't ever let me do that again."
The next photo was Tyler with Adam. They had their arms around each other, smiling. It was shortly before I found out about Connor and Murphy's illegal activities. Before everything changed. It felt like forever ago.
Tyler said nothing and continued to go through the photos until he found a photo of them in Germany. I remembered this one. They had been bickering nonstop so Klaus took a photo to try to 'encourage them to be in good moods.' It didn't work. It just created a very awkward photo to last a lifetime.
"This one," he said immediately. "I hate this photo."
I nodded and helped him put things back in the box. I pulled out a lighter I stole from Connor and handed it to him. He looked at it and then looked back at me with raised eyebrows.
"Yeah, it's Connor's. And yeah, he probably minds. I'll put it back and make him think he was crazy and didn't see it," I waved Tyler off.
Tyler started laughing as he stood and stared at the picture for a long time. After a few moments, he lit the lighter and caught the edge of it on fire. He held onto it until it became too small to hold, dropping it into the river to be washed away into the sea.
I could tell that he felt a little lighter as we walked back to the car.