Richie: When Virgil and I stopped hanging out, I got lonely. I wanted to go back, but everyone just hated him. So, I started hanging out with Francis. He was a jerk, but he was all I had.

Francis: Rich-ay! (He approaches with a bottle of liquor) Let's celebrate! I got awesome news!

Richie: What's up?

Francis: We're going to college together, man!

Richie: But, I thought Dakota U turned your down.

Francis: My dad pulled a few strings for me, so we can be roommates!

(Madelyn arrives, carrying bottles of champagne)

Madelyn: Party time, y'all!

Francis: Maddy! My girl!

Richie: No offense, man, but you can have any girl. What do you see in her, exactly?

Francis: The girl's a control freak! She terrifies my parents. My mom promised me a new car if I stop dating her. Alright, y'all! Storytime! (The guests quiet down) In the showers, one fine morning, our dear Vicious Hawkins... Got a boner!

Daisy: Oh my God.

Shenice: No way.

Francis: Seventeen-fucking-years-old, And doesn't know what a boner is!

Daisy: In the shower?!

Kevin: He was running around, screaming, (He runs around, clutching his waist as if holding a towel) "Help me! Help me! Something's wrong with me!"

Ray: Dude was crazy!

(Everyone at the party laughs, except for

Richie, who's starting to feel guilty for abandoning his ex-friend like that)

Richie: It's not funny, Francis!

(Francis' expression suddenly becomes serious)

Francis: Guys, guys. He's right... It's not funny... IT'S HILARIOUS! (Everyone laughs again) Richard, Richard. Every school in the world has a loser. A loner. A social pariah. Ours is Virgil Hawkins.

Richie: Oh my God.

Francis:
Guess what, ever since the world began Same plot, everyone's been dumping on their fellow man
Pounding people they feel better than!

(He punches Richie 'playfully' in the arm. He winces and grabs his forearm)

I hope you're taking notes cause
You feel everyone deserves a shot
Get real!
Some of us have got it, dude
And some got squat
That's the truth, oh people, like it or not!
I hate to break it to you


Dad always taught me
You get nowhere being nice!

So now I'm sharing his advice!
The world according to Francis is
Better to strike then get struck!
Better to screw than get screwed!
You'd probably think it's bizarre
But that's the way things are!

Richie: But that doesn't mean it has to be that way! What does it cost to be kind?

Francis: Ew. What have you done with my best friend? Maddy, tell me, am I right, or am I right?

Maddy:
Trust me
I swear
There's a bitch in every class!
Not fair!
Each and every time I fail those losers pass!
Hey, every one of them can kiss my ass!

Francis:
You wonder why I love her!

Madelyn:
One year, there was this good looking gal
So queer
And on top of that, she had a wandering eye
One day she looks at me
And, BAM!, bye-bye!

Francis:
I bet she got the message

Francis/Madelyn:
We're here to tell you how this whole damn freak show works (Oh, yeah yeah yeah)
If you don't listen, then you're jerks!

All:
The world according to Francis is
Better to punch than get punched!
Better to burn than get burned!
Learn that and you're gonna go far!
Cause that's the way things are!

(Francis starts moving his hips in a sensual way and everyone just goes along with it)

Francis:
Ha-na na na na na na na na!
Ha-na na na na na na na!

(Everybody starts to dance)

All:
Ha-na na na na na na na na
Ha-na na na na na na na

Richie: (Incredulously; To Frieda) Do you believe him?!

Frieda: C'mon, he's just being Francis. Go with it.

Richie: You weren't there! It was a-awful! We were hurting Virgo! I hurt him! (He pulls his hood over his head)

Frieda: (Trying to calm him down) I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

Richie:
Frieda, you don't understand
What was just a joke got out of hand!
We kept on screaming till he hit the floor!

Frieda: Richie, it's okay.

Richie:
Hey, I was in there too
What came over me was something new!
I did things I'd never done before!
And now I wish there's something
I could do or say
I've never ever felt this way!

(Frieda puts an arm around his shoulder and guides him away from the crowd)

Frieda:
Look, Rich
Don't be so hard on yourself!
You can tell him to keep his mouth shut
(Gestures to Francis)
But, wanna know what I'd advise?

Richie: What?

Frieda:
Apologize

(Richie's face lights up with comprehension)

Richie: Apologize!... Frieda Goren, you're a genius! (He hugs her)

Francis:

Ew, Rich
I can tell you're feeling sad

All:
Boo Hoo!
So, we clobbered Virgil and it's too damn bad!

Francis:
This is why you've gotta love my dad!

All:
He's got the right idea!

Francis:

Dad always taught me who's on top and who's below

All:
Who's below

Francis:
And now its time I let you know!
The world according to Francis!...
(He strikes a pose)

Richie: You're joking, right? You can't possibly mean all this!

Francis: Why are you being such a buzz-kill?

Richie: Francis, grow up!

(Richie leaves the party, Freida follows. Francis stands there. His pride has been wounded by his best friend. He looks after Richie while everyone continues to party)

All:
Ha-na na na na na na na
Ha-na na na na na na na na

Madelyn: Let's start this party, people! (She stokes the group's frenzy as she leads them off...)

All:
The world according to Francis
The world according to Francis
The world according to Francis
The world according to Francis

(... leaving Francis alone and vulnerable)

Francis:
The world according to Francis is
Better to whip than get whipped
Even if somebody bleeds
Please
Nobody dies from a scar
That's just the way things
Are...