Miraculously, throughout the torturous expedition, Harry had contentedly dozed in his pushchair. Protected by his guardians' magic, he happily watched the rain and laughed at Padfoot splashing in puddles.
The marauders were no longer lost, thanks to a helpful muggle family with a chatty two year old who'd given them directions to the car park. Now, they finally came across a gate with a promising yellow arrow on it and a large sign saying: "Caution Livestock. Please keep all dogs on leads."
As they were now back on the path, there were people everywhere so there was no opportunity for Sirius to change back.
"Do you have a lead?" James asked Remus.
"No, of course not."
Much to Remus' alarm, James shoved his wand up his fleece and started moving it about and muttering.
"Right, here you go."
"Where on earth did you find that?"
"Are you a wizard or not Moony? I transfigured it."
"From what?" Remus asked incredulously.
"My belt."
"Oh." He replied, taking the lead gingerly. "Lovely."
Getting the lead and collar on Padfoot was stupidly difficult.
"Stop wriggling, you're behaving worse than an actual dog."
And Padfoot wasn't very good at walking to heel.
"Padfoot stop! Padfoot come! Padfoot sit! Padfoot no!"
Although James and Remus did feel quite sorry for him when almost every dog they passed tried to sniff his bum.
-
The car park was, according to the large encouraging sign, just 1 mile away. Everyone, but mostly Harry, was starting to feel very hungry and it was becoming a bit of a race against time to get him some food before the inevitable explosion.
Padfoot was still really struggling with his lead and he kept on yanking Remus every which way, until finally he ploughed through a puddle and pulled him completely over.
"You absolute...ignoramus!" Remus hollered. "Why on God's green earth did you do that?"
He was completely soaking and covered in mud. Padfoot had run to cower behind the pushchair, but his beguilement was given away by his twitching tail.
"Moony, people are looking. It's not very normal to call dogs "ignoramus'".
"Normal dogs don't laugh at people."
"Let's just get to the car."
-
Typically it was no longer raining and the car park was now packed with families. Remus, James and the pushchair positioned themselves so Sirius could finally transform back so he could drive them home. Thankfully, the spell for that was one of the most subtle of all transfigurations, as long as no one could see the actual process. In fact this was particularly fortunate because the presence of a young baby was attracting quite a lot of attention.
However, after a major faff with the pushchair, everyone was finally settled in the car. Both Remus and Sirius were still dripping wet (and not all that fragrant) after their encounter with the puddle but there was no time to sort that because Harry had finally had enough and had dissolved into a monumental tantrum. In addition, all cleaning and drying spells produced varying flashes of bright light which would have been rather dangerous for the road.
-
When they arrived back home, James immediately detached his loudly complaining son from the car seat and took him inside to get him some food. Sirius had turned into Padfoot again, a rather devious tactic that meant Remus had to carry all the numerous bags. Remus however, had cottoned on to this trick.
"Come round the back Padfoot, so you don't get mud all over the hall." He called, and Padfoot followed him into the garden.
Suddenly, Remus grabbed the hose and blasted the mucky mutt with icy water. In his shock, Sirius instantly became human again, and his yelps morphed into shrieks, as Remus chased him around the lawn.
-
Meanwhile, James was making Harry dinner when he heard a knock on the door. He went to answer it.
"Hey Professor." He answered cheerfully.
"Good afternoon Mr Potter." She responded, with just a hint of amusement. "I see the transition went well."
"Yeah, we were out all day like you recommended. Everyone must've given up and left."
"You are aware you'll probably have a fresh onslaught tomorrow?"
"We'll just wait it out like the ministry advised." He replied offhandedly. "Do you want to come in?"
"Yes. Thank you young man."
Now Professor McGonagall was in his home, James was suddenly seized by a bout of panic. During his school years, he'd spent plenty of time in her office and he was struck with the memory of a delicate tea set. Maybe Lily had had one squirrelled away out of reach for the marauders or, as they could also be known, "harm's way".
"Mr Potter?"
"Mm." he mumbled, hurrying to follow McGonagall to the kitchen.
"Why is Mr Lupin chasing Mr Black with a hosepipe?"
He joined her at the window and sniggered.
"I have no idea."
-
"Moony!"
"I can't hear you over my revenge."
"Remus!"
No response except slightly maniacal laughter.
"Oi Lupin, McGonagall's watching us!"
"Wait, what?" Remus skidded to a halt and flashed an alarmed glance at the kitchen window.
Much to his horror, his wide eyes met the deputy head's narrowed ones.
With a barrage of lightning quick spells, he swiftly dried himself and Sirius, who had doubled over laughing, and returned the hose to its hook on the wall.
-
James had also found Remus' terrified expression absolutely hilarious, and he was still giggling when the very contrite werewolf sidled into the kitchen, behind Sirius.
"Professor." He said weakly.
"Mr Lupin."
"What has brought about this unexpected visit Minnie?" Sirius asked.
"I'll explain." James stated.
"You're in on this too!" Sirius gasped.
"I'm not sure exactly what you think "this" is, but James does know why I'm here, if that's what you're asking." McGonagall said, calmly.
"And you Moony?" Sirius turned to the red-faced wizard, who had plastered himself against the wall.
Remus shook his head, still hideously embarrassed.
"As I was saying," James recommenced, "the fidelius charm was cast on this house to keep my family safe." He paused, inwardly thinking load of good that did, "but it also had the effect of hiding us from all of the reporters and journalists who want to see Harry. But obviously it's quite a waste of magic to keep this house completely hidden forever, so today the charm was not renewed as it usually is. That's why we went out today, to escape the publicity assault."
"I thought it was because Moony was being a loon." Sirius interjected.
"That was a coincidence."
"So does that mean we'll have to have blackout blinds and not speak at certain times?"
"It's not the blitz." Remus blurted out, followed by, on registering their blank looks, "oh for heaven's sake that's basic history!"
"You'll be able to largely carry on as normal." McGonagall reassured them. "Although do be aware that there's already a segment in the Daily Prophet titled Godric Gossip, dedicated to reporting incidents exactly like chasing each other with hosepipes."
"Oh, no. That chase was very much one way." Sirius corrected her grumpily.
"So your advice is "don't do anything stupid"?" James summarised.
"When has that not been her advice?" Sirius wondered.
"When have we ever followed it?" Remus replied.