"Sooo..." Steve stated as he sat down on the wooden chair by the ocean right next to Catherine, handing her a cup of tea as they both watched the sun rise.
"You can't sleep either, hm?" he asked rhetorically.
"No" she sighed "Baby's kicking like crazy" she explained plainly as she exhaled. "already keeping me up at night" she chuckled.
Steve reached out a hand over and placed it on her baby bump "only a little longer" he smiled softly, trying to reassure her which, clearly, wasn't working as she hissed at another kick to her ribs.
"Distract me, Sailor" she said softly as she placed her own hand on top of his, leaning back in the chair.
When an immediate smirk formed on Steve's face Catherine shook her head while letting out a laugh "Not like that! It's what, 6 am?" Steve raised both his hands while laughing "Like that's ever stopped us before" he winked "Besides... you've been rather, uhm... needy lately."
Catherine bursted out laughing at his comment "Needy?" she mocked "Excuse me while I'm trying to take full advantage of my fiancé as long as I still can" she smiled softly. "You can't put a ring on a girls finger and then expect her to not be all over you" she chuckled.
"How come you can't sleep?" she asked sincerely.
Steve had never really been a good sleeper ever since the Navy, but laying right next to Catherine usually calmed him and allowed him a few more hours of sleep than usual. But somehow even that did not seem to help these past couple of weeks and Catherine wasn't sure why.
Steve exhaled slowly, carefully choosing his next words. He had never been good at showing his vulnerable side but he knew that if he could tell anyone, it would be Catherine.
"I've been really nervous, Cath." "Nervous? Why?" she had expect quite a few answers, but him being nervous was not one of them.
"I don't know. It's just... uhm, we could have this baby any day now and it freaks me out." he explained, looking out at the ocean.
"I've been thinking a lot these past couple of days about how I grew up and what kind of parents I had, you know? And it makes me wonder how I'm gonna be as a dad. I mean, looking back my dad has taught me SO much, basically everything I know. But I also remember me and Mary being alone a lot. My mom would be gone several days in a row which we thought back then were conference meetings and field trips with her class and dad had to work, sometimes we would be alone the entire night." he sighed before he continued, still looking out at the sun slowly rising above the ocean.
"I've just had a really hard time picturing me as a perfect dad to our baby, you know? I feel like I wanna do everything better than them. I wanna be there, every step of the way. But how can I promise that with the kind of job I have? That we have?" he emphasized on the we and Catherine suddenly realized what really had him so worked up.
"Steve..." she said softly, giving his hand a squeeze "I'm not going anywhere" she said firmly, leaving no room for a discussion.
Steve chuckled as he looked over to her, "I didn't say that I was worried about that" he tried to justify but failed, Catherine always knew damn well what he was thinking.
"I know you didn't have a picture perfect childhood, Sailor. I didn't either - no one does. And I'm sure there's gonna be a few days where our child will be disappointed. But what matters the most is that you're here. That we're here. And we will love the kid with everything we have, right?"
"So..." she said after a few minutes of comfortable silence "do you wanna talk about the elephant in the room so we can go back to bed?" she chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.
"No."
"Yes."
"Not really, I don't know" he chuckled dryly. Ever since Catherine came back, Steve had been trying not to think or talk about the CIA.
He hated who she worked for and she knew it. Talking about it usually only made things worse and Steve found out things that he would have rather not known, like the amount of times Catherine had a close call and almost did not make it back home to him. So no, he didn't really wanna talk about it. But what kept him up at night was the though about Catherine potentially going back to work.
Since they had their little vacation in Los Angeles and her getting pregnant, he was calm and ready. Maybe it was the fact that she couldn't leave, even if she wanted to.
But now that her due date was right around the corner, all the thoughts that Steve had succesfully compartmentalized and shoved out of the way slowly started creeping back in.
He had been thinking about his own childhood and how he felt having a mother that worked with the agency, even if he didn't know it back when he was a child.
Nonetheless, this was nothing that he wanted to put his own child through.
He just couldn't spare the thought of Catherine going back to her job once the baby was born. He had thought about opening up to her but had ultimately decided against it. Not because he didn't want to confront her, but rather because he wasn't sure he wanted to hear her answer.
Catherine had never been one to let other people do the work and sit back and relax. Even back in the Navy it was always her who got the job done, even if it meant spending way too much time at a computer after her shift had already ended.
Catherine wasn't quite the housewife and Steve knew it, and frankly, it scared the shit out of him not knowing what she pictured her own future to be like.
Catherine wasn't quite the housewife and Steve knew it, and frankly, it scared the shit out of him not knowing what she pictured her own future to be like.
"You know you can talk to me, right?" she gave him a slow nod, siltently asking him to say what he has on his mind.
Steve smiled at her and the fact that her voice somehow just always calmed him.
"I'm scared your gonna go back to your job with the CIA, Cath." he blurted out, unable to look her in the eyes.
"It scares the hell out of me thinking about our life in five years... or ten years. And now with the baby almost here it just... uhm. It just makes me wonder if our child is gonna grow up the way that I did." he stated, now looking deep in her hazel eyes that were filled with tears.
"Steve..." she whispered as she felt the air leaving her lungs and her chest tightening. She hated seeing Steve like that. She hated this conversation and most of all, she hated that she did this to him.
All the trust issues and him being scared of her leaving is because she left all those years ago. And no matter how many times she would tell him otherwise, she knew that he was still scared.
"I'm sorry." she murmured, "I promise I'm not going anywhere, Steve."
"This" she motioned to place both his and her hand on her baby bump "Us. All of this. This is everything I have ever dreamed of having with you." she smiled at him with teary eyes "I've spent ten years running from settling down, fighting bad guys around the world. You know, protecting the homeland... Chasing bad guys. Yada yada yada." she laughed and nudged him with her elbow.
"And no matter where I went, or what success I might've had, there was always something missing from me, you know? ... and I don't feel like it is, anymore."
She smiled politely, unsure if he really understood just how much she really loved him.
"So no, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here, raising all the little humans we make that look just like you, but hopefully get my sense of humor." Steve let out a loud laugh. "Hopefully not" he joked.
"I'm serious, though! I'm good, Sailor. I'm perfect right where we're at. I wanna be present, you know? My parents were gone a lot, too. And I wanna be with our kids as much as I can. And my contract with the Agency ended with pregnancy, you do know that right?"
"I uhm... I did not." he chuckled.
"Cath, I..." he was interrupted by her squeezing his hand so hard that he could barely feel it anymore.
"My water just broke" she stated, eyes wide open and fear and excitement both visible on her face.