Chapter 15
Wobon Woes
It was early in the afternoon at Lake Gravity Falls and Dipper, Mabel, and Stan were out on a boat. "It's nice that you two decided to come out here with me and fish but don't you have a lot of important stuff to do?" Stan asked,
"We have done a lot lately and between all the travel, working with all the space agencies, and preparing for the wedding we haven't had time to just hang out one on with our grunkle." Dipper said,
"We only had the one fishing trip when we were kids and with you getting older and with us about be really busy soon…" Stan didn't notice Mabel subconsciously place her hand on her stomach. "…we want to make sure that we make the time we have with you count."
"You kids don't have to worry; I'm not planning on going anytime soon." Stan said tossing his line back into the lake.
Dipper sighed, "It's just that you mean a lot to us, everything you taught us helped us live long enough to get back home, especially the times we were in prison."
"The last one was more brutal than the other two were and our attorney wasn't helpful at all." Mabel huffed while she dipped her hand in the water, "That place wasn't like here at all, nothing but heat and sand on the surface."
"Sounds like a story with more adventure and lawyer punching, perfect way to pass the time while we wait for the fish to bite." Stan said,
Dipper looked up to the sky. "For me it all started with a nightmare."
Three years ago,
Dipper found himself walking down the streets of Piedmont at night and the people were staring at him, afraid. "Wait!" he called as some kids ran away from him.
Dipper chased after them but as they turned a corner, he felt someone's hand on his shoulder. He turned and saw Emperor Grandus standing there. "You don't belong here anymore heretic."
"No!" Dipper pulled away and made the turn to a street with shops and advertisements, but all the signs were in a jumble of unfamiliar letters.
"Be it ever so humble there's no place like home, right boy?" Darnack asked while drinking a Pitt cola,
Dipper saw his parents and uncles standing to the side looking shocked, scared, and even disgusted. "What's wrong? It's me! It's Dipper!" but T.V.'s from a nearby electronics store played what he just said as a garbled unfamiliar language. Ford pulled out his gun and Stan cracked his knuckles. "I don't understand!"
"You and your family have been gone too long Dipper!" Crix said from a window, "Now the four of you are more alien than human! Did you think you could just come back?" Dipper then saw Pacifica, Mabel, and Gideon walk up but alien body parts began growing out of them.
"No! This is home!" Dipper then felt a pain in his arm as a long spike grew out of it followed by tentacles coming out of his back. Ford took aim and Dipper tried to plead with his uncle all that came out of his mouth was an unintelligible mess. Dipper woke up screaming, as he felt his arm and checked his back.
Of course, this woke up Pacifica and Ixcia turned the lights on. "Mason, Mason it was just a nightmare, whatever it was you're safe here with me." She wrapped her arms around him. "You want to talk about it?"
"I, I don't remember what is was about. I'm sorry I woke you." Dipper calmed down trying to put the whole thing behind him.
"There's nothing to be sorry about. Just lay back down, I'll be right here as you go back to sleep."
Dipper laid down. "Thanks Paz."
"It's nothing." Pacifica looked up to the ceiling. "Ixcia lights off please. Oh, and Mason, I hope you had a happy birthday." Dipper lay awake, he did just have his birthday and that was the problem.
The next day the Ixcia crew went about their normal routines when Mabel pulled up the Odysseus Enterprises website. "We got a new job and they clicked Grunkle Stan." What Mabel was referring to was that they used a cartoon Stan that said, "Ask me about extra deliveries" as a way for people to ask them to smuggle something.
"Who's the customer and what does he want us to deliver?" Gideon asked,
"His name is Torgus, and it says here the cargo is about three hover tractors. He did agree to our usual terms of talking about it the rest in person. We're to meet him on planet Ferndul just five hours from here."
"We'll set a course."
It was a short time later that Pines family were face to face with a man brown skin and tusks growing out of his mouth. Pacifica did her breathing exercise. "Something wrong Paz?" Dipper asked,
"In my final trial in the felggur I killed one his kind, my first victim." She said,
Dipper took her hand. "It's okay."
Torgus then spoke. "As I said when I sent in the request I need you to ship three hover tractors to Woban 5, I also would like you to make a delivery that I am willing to pay a great deal for."
"And what is this additional cargo?" Dipper asked,
"The Wobon government is a tyrannical dictatorship!" Forgus shouted but then calmed himself down. "Sorry, as I was saying I have friends on Wobon 5 who are expecting a shipment of explosives for an operation in a few days. I already have an idea on how you can get them by the inspectors…"
"We going to have to stop you right there." Mabel said,
"What?"
"Friend, we had to smuggle a lot of stuff over the years but there are two things we don't touch because if we're caught with them it would big trouble for us." Gideon held up two of his fingers, "First is narcotics, nasty stuff we want nothing to do with. Second are weapons, so we can't take this additional job."
"But you ship weapons for the Coalition of Free Worlds!" Torgus protested,
"Those are open shipments, smuggling weapons just has too harsh a penalty if we're caught." Dipper said, "We'll still deliver the tractors, but we won't smuggle your explosives."
Torgus growled, "Fine, bring them here!" He motioned another Woboian in a hover load lifter pushing a large maroon crate with two more just like it.
"Would you open the crates before they're loaded onto Ixcia?" Mabel asked, "We had a bad experience years ago and we've been running scans on our cargo ever since."
Torgus paused, "Very well." He walked over and opened the crates showing the large green vehicles.
Dipper took out his scantrix and gone over each one. "Nothing inside them, okay let's load them up."
"We'll be in the Woban system by tomorrow." Pacifica said,
As soon as the cargo was loaded and everyone was inside Torgus said, "You could have been paid well to help us, but at least your scans show this could work. You will deliver those explosives whether you want to or not."
Dipper awoke in the middle of the night, this time he didn't scream and just watched his wife sleep. "Another nightmare, I hoped it was just a onetime thing. Okay talk to them after the job is over tomorrow." Dipper thought as he tried to go back to sleep.
They landed on a planet with many fields of Botran wheat. They opened the door and a dozen Wobonian officers were there with scanning equipment. "We're here to inspect your cargo." One of them said,
Dipper smiled, "You'll find nothing wrong here I scanned the cargo myself."
The female commanding officer said, "We'll see about that. Scan the whole ship, we got a tip somebody is smuggling explosives for an assassination attempt on warlord Borex." They scanned all over Ixcia and it seemed like they would find nothing until they scanned the crates themselves.
"Comander! These crates, they're the explosives! There's enough here to blowup half the capital!" a young male officer said.
"What?!" the Ixcia crew asked shocked as guns were drawn on them,
"It can't be!" Dipper said, "Mabel and I learned our lesson eleven years ago! This can't be happening again!"
"Torgus! He said he had a plan for smuggling in explosives and he had us do even after we told him no!" Gideon yelled,
"He must really not like this Borex guy." Mabel said,
"A likely story!" one of the officers said, "You are all under arrest! Put your weapons on the deck now!" the commander said.
"We were tricked!" Pacifica said pulling out her daggers,
"Paz no!" Dipper yelled, "We can't fight here. We are in a room with three large bombs, one stray shot could blow us all to the next system!"
"He's right." The young officer confirmed nervously, "This type of explosive is very sensitive to energy discharges."
"Our only choice is to prove our innocence in court."
Mabel looked worried, "But Dipper, we don't have a good track record in court. You know what happens with me and lawyers."
Dipper took off his gauntlet and put it on the floor. "We just have to hope our luck changes."
The commander slapped handcuffs on Dipper while the rest of the Pines family placed their weapons on the floor. "With what you pulled you'll be tried by tonight."
"Ixcia if we don't win then execute code hamburger race car cheetah in three days and join with the coalition fleet unless further instructed." Mabel ordered,
"Confirmed and understood." Was Ixcia's reply,
Four hours later the Pines were talking to the defense attorney assigned to their case, a man with pink skin pointy ears and antenna. "Is there any proof to your claim that you were tricked?" he asked,
"Ixcia was there Mr. Hedlo. She must have recorded our conversation with Torgus." Pacifica said,
"I'll arrange a commlink with your ship and download the file. Once it is verified it might sway the jury, and if you two lovely ladies give the court a smile I sure they will find it as impossible as I do that you could be criminals."
"You also are trying to prove our husbands' innocence too." Mabel reminded Heldo.
"Yes, Yes, trust me my dears it will be fine." Heldo had hardly looked at Dipper and Gideon the whole time.
"I got a bad feeling about this Dipper." Gideon said,
They were brought in the court room a few hours later. The judge had a long white beard. "Bring in the jury." He ordered,
Only one man came in, a wobonain man with a long grey mustache. "That is the whole jury?" Dipper asked,
"On this world the verdict is left to either the victim of a crime or his family." Heldo explained, "Since the explosives were meant to kill him the jury consists of Warlord Borex himself."
"So, these are the off-worlder terrorists that helped my anarchist son." Borex said,
"Great we got into both a civil war and a family feud." Dipper groaned,
The prosecutor made his case first, "The intent was clear my lord, to take your life and as many of your loyal subjects with you."
"That much is obvious." The judge said,
Mabel shuffled her feet nervously. "This is looking bad."
"Sweetheart don't worry, my shoulder is here to cry on if you need it." Heldo said,
Later it was the defense's turn and Gideon took the stand. "Just like it shows here we refused Torgus' offer. What we couldn't have known at the time was he had already had his plan ready."
"Is this data legitimate?" the prosecutor asked,
"Planetary security had verified it themselves." Mr. Heldo stated,
Borex stroked his mustache in thought, "My conniving son wouldn't let a simple no stop him, I taught him that much. I believe I have reached my verdict, not guilty."
"Yes!" The Ixcia crew cheered.
"Order! Order!" The judge said banging a gong, "You have been found not guilty, that's not the same as innocent!"
"There's a difference?" Pacifica asked afraid,
"In our justice system it means that while you did not do it willing you still helped in this attempted high crime. Therefore, while we cannot execute you, you still must be punished for it. I hereby sentence you four to life without parole on the penal colony on Wobon 1! You may wish you were found guilty, but this will teach others not to associate with a traitor!" The judge banged the gong three times.
"I'm sorry sweeties, I wish I could have been more help to you pretty things." Mabel felt Heldo grab her butt.
"You pervert!" Mabel slapped him so hard Heldo fell unto the defenses table breaking it to pieces knocking him out.
"We have got to stop assigning him to female clients, this is the third time this year this has happened." The judge groaned,
While it was dark when they were taken from the courthouse the Pines found themselves in the blazing sun on Wobon 1, a world of green deserts and almost constant day. "I feel like I'm be roasted alive in this." Pacifica said before a guard zapped her with a shock stick,
They were brought to the mouth of a cave where in front was a post with an alien skeleton hung. A Wobonian man with an eye patch came up from underground. "Welcome to Woban 1 where you will spend the rest of your now short lives mining vyron crystals. I am the warden here, follow the rules and you will suffer less, fail to follow the rules and well… here is the last guy who didn't." The warden pointed to the skeleton. The Pines family was taken down in the caves into a large chamber. "You'll find the bunks over there; you have to take the ones you want if you can. You get one algae bar and one cup of water a day. You'll mine until you're told to stop. But first your fellow inmates need to see if you can even survive the mines." The warden snapped his fingers as the inmates made room as they family was separated into four circles each with a shovel or pickaxe.
"What the hell are you doing?" Dipper asked,
Four cages were brought to the circles. "These are some the few native lifeforms of the planet and they make their homes in the mines. Let's see you can fight them off, if you can't kill one on your own then the inmates will see you as dead weight and make your live a living hell!" Out of the cages crawled what looked like a cross between a giant scorpion and a squid with a pale carapace. "Oh, one word of warning. These crawlers bite is venomous, one will have you dead in three minutes!"
First the crawler that was pitted against Pacifica wrapped a tentacle around her leg. Big mistake, her reflexes took over and drove the pickax she was holding right into its throat. "We might have the leader of a new gang here!" one of the inmates said,
Gideon used the shovel he was given and jammed it into the crawler's mouth like a spear. "Mabel! Dipper! Are you guys okay?"
Mabel swung wildly with her shovel until she hit the animals head and began to pound it flat screaming. Dipper however was in the grasp of the creature's claws as it hissed in his face. But before it could bite him, he kicked it repeatedly in the underbelly causing it to let go giving him the time he needed to grab his pickax and drive the point right into its brain. After panting Dipper asked, "There, is that all?"
The warden applauded. "Good, your first shift begins tomorrow but know this, in the mines they tend to attack in swarms."
Later that night the Ixcia crew were in the bunk area. "I really don't like this place." Mabel said, "The sun has been down for a couple of hours and it's still hot as an oven down here."
"We barely put up a fight." Pacifica complained,
"We just got to wait two more days Paz." Gideon whispered, "You heard Mabel tell Ixcia the code for the emergency protocol. She'll come in cloaked and blasting then we get out."
"That could be a problem." Dipper said, "That could cause a cave in, we need to find a way to surface. Front door is out with them guarding it which leaves the mines, crawler central."
"Great, in any case we need to take shifts keeping watch, I don't trust our roommates." Mabel looked around, "I'll take the first watch."
However, later that night Dipper woke up from another nightmare. "Dipper you okay?" she asked,
"I'm fine, just a nightmare." He said, "I may as well start my shift now."
"Yeah those bugs are scary." Mabel said as went to bed,
"Except it had nothing to with them." Dipper muttered.
Work in the mine the next day consisted of using the tools to dig out vyron crystals constantly on guard for the crawlers, the heat didn't help either. "Heavens to Betsy how is it this hot this deep unground?" Gideon asked,
"I think we might be close to a magma flow." Dipper said,
Pacifica shoveled some crystals into a minecart. "How do they expect us to keep up our strength down here with so little water?"
"I don't think they care about that as long as they get these crystals." Mabel began pushing the cart down the track. "All this work and we haven't found any route to the surface."
"We just have to keep trying or take our chances when Ixcia comes to..." Dipper stopped as they came out of the mine seeing a lone cloaked figure undergoing the same test they took yesterday. All they could see of the stranger was his brown furry left arm sticking out of his cloak choking the crawler to death, the crowd parted, and the man walked up to the Pines
"I can help you escape." He said in a hushed tone. "I'll come find you after lights out."
"Why do you want to help us?" Mabel asked,
"Because I need you out of this place." Was all the man would say.
The same nightmare visited Dipper again but this time something would be different. Dipper looked more like one of the crawlers then himself and the police and army were chasing him, as he passed by a vending machine it swung to the side and a pair of old wrinkly hands grabbed Dipper and pulled him into the dark void behind the machine. The next thing Dipper knew he was standing in the Mystery Shack gift shop as himself having come out of the secret passage. "Kid what are you doing?" Stan asked,
"Grunkle Stan?" Dipper patted himself down check his body.
"Kid you know why you have this dream night after night." Stan shook his head, "Have you forgotten what I taught you? When the world fights…"
"…Fight back, but how do I fight back against this?"
"Dipper, you got to stop putting off telling your family what's going on with you. I know this because you know, I'm just everything your uncle taught you."
"With all that's been happening lately I've just been focusing trying to get them out of this mess."
"How much good will you be to your family if let this keep eating at you?" The Shack began to shake. "Looks like they need you."
"Grunkle Stan!" Dipper yelled as the Shack began to fade. "Will I ever see you again?"
"Maybe when you get home." Stan said as he faded.
Dipper snapped up while Gideon shook him awake. "The guy's here." Gideon said,
"Everyone else is still asleep, good." The man in the cloak lifted his hood revealing himself as Vax. "I put a lot of these guys in here."
Dipper thought he was still dreaming. "Seriously? Why help us escape?"
"Simple really, if you all rot in here I can't collect your bounty and restore my reputation."
"Why should we go along with this?" Pacifica asked, "You'll just shoot us in the back."
"I'm giving you lot a chance; I don't think the Imperium would be that generous. Sneaking in here was the easy part we'll all need to work together to get out. If you want to leave join me in shaft five during mining detail." Vax turned and walked to an empty bunk."
Mabel sighed, "This has to be a trap but with Ixcia coming tomorrow it might be our best chance to join her."
"I don't like it either but I'm in." Pacifica said,
"You with us Dipper?" Gideon asked,
"Yeah, I…need to get back to sleep. We all need to be rested and ready for Vax's double cross tomorrow." Dipper laid back down.
"Darling I'm worried about you. You haven't slept well since your birthday." Pacifica leaned over her husband.
"I'll talk about it tomorrow when we have time."
The Pines family met Vax as planed the next day. "This way." Vax squeezed through a gap in a pile of large rocks. "This tunnel has been tapped out for years. I doubt anyone but me knows about it."
"How do you know about it?" Mabel asked,
"This planet is where I caught my first bounty after my apprenticeship was over. Guy thought no one would think a wanted fugitive would disguise himself as a prison guard. That had to be about thirty-five years ago, you two twins almost made me late for my retirement." Vax explained as they walked down the dark tunnel,
"Well sorry for wanting to stay alive." Dipper said.
Vax turned and fired his grappling claw close to Dipper killing a crawler. "We're the only food in this tunnel so stay alert. I can't get my rep back if one of these things kills you."
"If you're planning to retire then is it really important to get your rep back? Isn't leaving a scar on my wife's back enough?" Gideon snapped,
"My perfect capture record will be my legacy! Sure, I got more than enough money to live off with all the bounties I collected over the years, but that record is what I'm going to be remembered for and all the sacrifices of my body will be worth it. I can see it now, during the day I'll read by the beach on planet Jorairis or watch Galactic Wrestling in my condo. Every night I'll go to one of the greatest bars in Isoban and tell my stories to any who'll listen. You guys will probably be my most requested story."
"What an honor." Gideon said sarcastically as he swung his pickax scaring off another crawler,
"What about your family?" Pacifica asked,
"I have no family. Bonds like that make you weak and the world I grew up on didn't tolerate weakness. I left as soon as I could and never looked back." They came to a wall and Vax pointed up. "We climb from here on out the exit is at the top." The sunlight coming in from the top seem to keep the crawlers away. "UV rays burn their shells."
As they climbed Dipper thought about what Vax said about his home planet and his dream. "You never want to go back to your home world; in that regard we can't be any more different. You may not value family, but we do. Mabel and I only made it this far because of what our Grunkle Stan taught us about being tough and running a business. We just celebrated our twenty sixth birthday a few days ago."
"So?"
"So…" Dipper took a deep breath and spoke to his family, "I was thirteen when we were all abducted, I have spent half my life lost in space."
"Oh my gosh." Mabel said, "Half of our birthdays with no cake."
"What I'm getting at is that now every year, every day after that I'll have spent more of my life on Ixcia that on Earth. Everyday all of us change to adapt to the alien cultures we find and the culture on earth is changing too. What if when we get back, we find home more alien to us than where we've been? Or worse what if they find all of us too alien to understand and fear us?"
"I guess I never thought about it." Gideon said, "I just figured we'd adjust."
"This is what you've been having nightmares about darling?" Pacifica asked,
"Yeah, we get home I can't understand the writing or what people are saying, and I turn into an alien everyone is afraid of, even my family." Dipper said as he reached the top,
As he helped the others climb out Vax reach behind a rock and pulled out a gun. "Well you don't have to worry about that anymore."
"Can't say we didn't saw this coming. You owe me five decaquan Gideon."
"I swore he'd pull a knife." Gideon said,
Vax ignored them. "Fitting, this is the spot where I caught my first bounty and now it's where my perfect record will be restored. I think I might miss chasing you."
The Pines family just smiled, "Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that." Pacifica said as Ixcia decloaked, her tri-laser canons pointed at Vax.
Mabel chuckled and pointed to behind her ear. "Three days ago, I ordered Ixcia to wait and then bust us out. She tracked our translator implants and told us she'd meet us here. Oh, I know Giddy got on you about that scar you gave me I'm fine with it now, it's a reminder of a very important lesson for me."
"Unless you want to spend your retirement as a crater stand right there and don't move until we leave." Dipper said as Ixcia opened the cargo bay door.
"Well played." Vax growled,
"It's thanks to our Grunkle Stan, he also taught us everything we know about running a scam."
"I won't stop hunting you!"
"And we can't let you catch us. Thanks for getting us out of there Vax, we'll see you again in a few weeks or a year." The family got on their ship and flew off.
"Well this was a bad trip; we didn't even get paid for delivering those tractors." Gideon complained,
"Ixcia jump us out of this system." Mabel said, "I'll check to see if we got any job offers, I hope the coalition has one for us. They won't try to trick us, and from now on we scan everything with our cargo!"
"Confirmed." Ixcia replied,
"Well at least Mason talked to us about what was bothering him, maybe now you'll get a decent night's sleep tonight." Pacifica kissed Dipper's cheek.
"I think that is mostly going to depend on you my golden flower." Dipper said with a smile.
"Then tonight I'm going to make you so exhausted you won't wake up until noon and you're going to enjoy it."
Three years later,
"So, when did the furry tin man finally give up?" Stan asked,
"Don't know if he did." Mabel said,
"We gave him the slip one last time a few months before we got the part to get us home, that was the last time we ever saw him." Dipper explained,
"I feel a little sorry for him." Mabel sighed, "Because he didn't let himself get close to anyone that record was all he had."
"I wouldn't feel too bad about it pumpkin. Woah!" Stan said as the rod was nearly pulled out of his hands,
"We got you Stan!" Dipper and Mabel tried to help Stan real his catch in, the line snapped and none of the Pines saw that Stan landed the real Gobblewonker,
Stan laughed, "That's is what I'm talking about, the best fish story is the about the one got away. Vax could tell all about those other guys he caught, and people could check to see if they're true. But with you two he can keep making your story better and better because no one can know what really happened."
"Still we better catch something." Dipper said, "We promised we'd bring back some fish for dinner and I don't want Paz saying, 'I told you so.'"
"You to know how to scale a fish?"
"Should be the same as scaling a drindar."
A while later Stan was loading up his catch into his car while Dipper and Mabel loaded theirs unto the jet bike. Mabel took Stan's hand. "We just want to say again Grunkle Stan we wouldn't have made it back without everything you taught us."
"In a way I guess I was with you kids the whole time." Stan said before climbing into the car. "Tell my nerdy brother I'll be waiting for him at home. Oh, and one more thing, I want to sing at your wedding reception I got the song all picked out."
"Um, okay. We still need to talk with Pacifica and Gideon about it." Dipper said,
"I'm sure they won't mind letting an old man sing for his favorite nephew and niece."
As Stan drove off Mabel looked at Dipper. "That's going to be you someday bro-bro. When my baby is all grown up and has his or her own baby then you'll be Grunkle Dipper and you'll be great."
Dipper looked off as Stan disappeared around a corner. "Only because I will have learned from the best. And when I have grandkids then you would be a great aunt or, what was it you call it again? Right, Grauntie Mabel." The two of them flew home and when they landed Ford was coming out of Ixcia. "Hey Grunkle Ford, Stan will be waiting for you back home."
"Alright, I can just take my car home. I was just talking with Gideon, Pacifica, and Ixcia. She is more amazing than I realized." Ford said,
"Well we better get dinner started." Mabel said holding up the fish.
"I better leave you to it then, Ixcia I'll be back for that game of chess, as much as I love my brother he's not much of a challenge."
"I look forward to it." Ixcia said,
The Pines twins went up to the common area. "Got one fish for each of us." Dipper called,
"So, what were you guys up to with Ford all day?" Mabel asked,
"As you know he's been helping me with Ixcia's upgrade." Gideon said,
Pacifica came in. "And we've been sharing stories his and our adventures. It's nice to talk another lost wanderer."
Ixcia's avatar appeared. "The story Ford seemed to like the most was the time all of you saved my life."