I am missing The Fosters (especially Stef and Lena) so I thought I'd give this a try and just write some one-shots based on one or two lines. However, I haven't really written fanfictions since like.. 2011? So please bear with me.
And just a little disclaimer, all of my stories are not beta proofed and mostly written at night when I can't sleep… Meaning, all the mistakes are my own.. unfortunately haha (I am already sorry!)
I am (of course!) always up for requests because I really miss the moms..
Lena is following Stef upstairs when she is having a panic attack, instead of Sharon.
"Stef…Stef wait." Lena shouts after Stef while following her up the stairs, to their bedroom.
Stef is standing there, with glassy eyes, starring into space, not responding to Lena and not even making eye contact with her when she enters their bedroom.
"Stef, you need to talk to me. What's going on?" Lena says, while moving closer to Stef. Not touching her yet, too scared to startle her, trying to make eye contact with her. Not really knowing what the 'right' thing to do and going with her instinct.
"Le...n…a I can't I just c...a…n't" Stef struggles to say, while trying to steady herself by grabbing the nightstand, feeling completely out of it.
Lena is getting more and more worried, realizing how much Stef is actually struggling and that the panic attack two nights ago wasn't just a single incident.
"No, no Stef. You need to stop shutting me out. We are in this together. You really need to tell me what's going on?" Lena says, while finally moving closer to Stef, while realizing that the conversation has to wait, and she needs to make sure that her wife is breathing again. She doesn't really know what to do either because she never had a panic attack herself and she knows that not only is everyone reacting differently while experiencing a panic attack but also that there are indeed different copying mechanisms and techniques. Shaking off these thoughts and the fear of making it worse, Lena is following her intuition. After all, she knows her wife. She knows her needs. She knows Stef. They've been together for over 10 years. Sure, they had their ups and downs but in the end being together, loving each other, being present with each other has always worked out, no matter what happened between the two of them.
"I am going to take your hand, okay?" Lena says. Somehow, still worried that she will startle her wife.
Stef is finally making eye contact with Lena, while Lena is grabbing Stef's hand but clearly, she is still in her own world, almost staring through Lena. With glassy eyes herself, Lena continues talking, "look at me my love, l am here. Can you feel me? Focus on me my love. You are going to be okay," while squeezing Stef's hand a little more firmly a couple of times. To make her realize that she is there for her, that she is present and that they will get through this together. That she has her back, no matter what.
"It's just me my love, focus on my hand."
Stef looks at her wife, still struggling to breathe, while her tears are spilling over, "I ... I."
"My sweet, sweet love. It is going to be okay. Take my hand. Focus on my touch. You need to breathe. Breathe with me." Lena moves even closer to Stef, putting her hand on her heart.
"My love, look at me. Focus on my heartbeat and breathe with me."
Stef is still struggling to breathe but trying to follow the rhythm of Lena's heartbeat while still holding onto the nightstand, starting to feel dizzy but subconsciously still trying to be somewhat strong. Because that's what she needs to do right? She is the one who is trying to hold the family together. She is supposed to always be the strong one, to make everyone feel safe. To be the protector. She isn't supposed to be weak.
Lena is realizing that Stef is getting even more worked up again. Knowing her wife, Lena knows that even in this situation Stef is blaming herself, as always. She just got her to breathe a little better...so without hesitating and taking too long, Lena squeezes Stef hand again, whispering, "Stef, hey, look at me. You are not weak sweetheart. You need to stop working yourself up for something you can't control. Stay with me. Stay present with me. Breathe with me. You are doing great my love. I am so proud of you. Can you feel me? Focus on me touching you. You are alright my love."
Stef is finally making 'real' eye contact with her wife, for the first time since forever. It probably hasn't even been long, but it does feel like forever to Lena and Stef as well. The concept of time not making sense to both of them anymore. "There you are my love." Lena says, realizing Stef is not as distant anymore and being able to breathe at least bit better. It almost seems like Stef is back with her, present, right in this moment.
"I am going to be sick, Lena." Stef says in shock, while covering her mouth and running to their bathroom and actually throwing up. Lena is right behind, holding Stef's hair and rubbing her back "it's okay my love, you are okay."
After being done throwing up, Stef wipes her mouth, sliding right to the bathroom floor, still feeling pretty out of it and dizzy. Her head fuzzy, a headache slowly forming.
Lena flushes the toilet, wets a towel and puts it on her wife's forehead and sliding down next to her. "My sweet love, I will not push you right now because I know you are not feeling well but we definitely need to talk about this soon. You scared me. You really scared me my love. Is there anything I can do? Anything you need right now?" Lena asks with glassy eyes herself while looking at Stef, still holding the wet towel to her wife's forehead.
"I am sorry." Silent tears running down Stef's face, as she apologizes. She is being vulnerable with her wife for the first time since her panic attacks started. "I...I've been struggling, Lena. Really struggling." Stef admits for the first time.
Lena wants to say something but realizes soon that Stef really needs to finally get this off her chest, so she decides to not say anything, fearing that her wife's walls will go up again. She decides to take her wife's hand, giving it a squeeze, signaling her wife to go on.
"I wasn't honest with you. The other day I was shopping. I was almost done with the shopping list you left me but.. but.. I ..I well.. you know I had a panic attack and I had to leave the store and Brandon had to pick me up. And I was too embarrassed I guess... I felt weak. That's why I lied and told you that I couldn't make it to the store because I got held up at work. But I was honest when I told you that I am still not sure why this is happening. We've always been busy with the kids, with work and now… I feel… I guess I feel like I am suddenly going crazy."
Lena's heart was breaking for her wife. "My love, you are not crazy. You are not going crazy. We are going to figure this out, but we are going to figure this out together. Promise me that you will not shut me out again. I am all new to this, but I will always be there for you when you need me, to hold your hand, to breathe with you, to remind you that you are strong and that you are loved. So loved."
Stef was silently crying again but giving her wife a weak smile. "I love you too. Thank you for being there and I am so sorry that I've been shutting you out, again."
"I know… I know but shutting me out won't fix this my love."
"Can you help me?" Stef asks. "Anything my love, what do you need?" Lena asks again.
"Could you please pass me the mouth wash?" Stef asks, almost blushing, while Lena is already slowly getting up, throwing the wet towel into the laundry and handing Stef a cup with mouth wash.
Stef takes the mouth wash, trying to get up but stumbling "Lena.." Stef looks up at her voice, being almost embarrassed, she weakly says "I am still dizzy."
Lena is holding onto her wife while she is quickly rinsing her mouth.
"Let's try to walk to our bed, do you think you can handle that my love?" Stef just nods, holding onto Lena.
They are both walking to their bed, Stef holding onto Lena weakly. "Is it okay if I change your clothes my love? I thought we could just cuddle up in bed. I will also go and get you some water and talk to the kids really quickly. Is there anything else you need?" Stef just nods and then shakes her head, signaling that she listened, but doesn't need anything.
A few minutes later, after changing them both into more comfortable clothes, Lena comes back into their bedroom. Handing Stef some water.
"I talked to the kids, and no don't give me that worried look, I didn't tell them anything yet. They'll watch a movie and order some pizza for dinner. I also brought you a few crackers. It's okay if you don't feel like eating right now but I just wanted to make sure. Stef you really scared me. I have never seen you look at me with … I don't know… with such a distance in your eyes. And I really wasn't sure what to do… I felt so helpless. I don't want to push you but we … you need to get help, please."
Stef takes a sip of the water Lena handed her and then putting it back on her nightstand. She looks at Lena, really looks at her while whispering "you are right, I am sorry my love." She starts to slide down the bed, nuzzling her nose into Lena's hair because that always gave her some sort of comfort. It smelled like coconut shampoo and curling lotion. It smelled like Lena.
Lena just held Stef, stroking her back for a couple of minutes. "Are you still dizzy honey?"
"I am better just very exhausted like I just run a marathon." Stef said, smiling.
"Cracking jokes again I see. You really are doing better. Thank you for telling me and for being honest. We will just stay here okay? I love you, close your eyes my love and rest. I am here. I will not leave. We are in this together."
Stef nodded, snuggling even more into Lena, closing her eyes, while Lena gave Stef a few head kisses before almost disappearing into deep thoughts, hoping that her wife would not have to experience more panic attacks soon and making a mental note to do more research for the next time.
Thank you for reading! I know that everyone experiences panic attacks differently, this is just my experience. I usually don't like being touched at all and I always end up feelilng sick and dizzy for a couple of hours after.
Again, I'd be grateful for requests. Literally anything!
Thank you!
Brooke xx