Nomad, Shin's Story

by Dark Ryuu

Growing up, Shin (Toy) always wanted to do the right thing for everyone that he could, especially those in need. But can he keep from losing sight of himself, his family, and his friends, especially his elusive best friend, Lyla, and new partner in life, Komari? A prequel to Step Toward the Future and Legacy, an alternate universe crossover between all games.

14. Funeral

Chapter 14: Funeral

Author's Note: So, no lie, had to take a break to build a SpongeBob pinata… um…hats off to pinata makers. WARNING: Just some violence and macabre. We're smut free for a while. Enjoy!

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No. No…

He was standing in a room. The eye room. The fucking eye room again. Gurgling. Blood was gurgling, the sensation of someone's throat collapsing beneath his fingertips—it all pressed against his body and he choked. Stop. Stop. Let him out. Let him out.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Shoot them through the head to stay alive.

Gripping his ears, he panted as bodies fell into a hole, sand raining at first before blood. Yea…this, this is what his mind had been tormenting him with. He tried to…wake up.

"Keep him asleep. Give him more anesthesia."

They put him out for surgery and he saw…the scalpel. Yes, he panicked because part of him still felt like this was a dream, that these were Zechs trying to kill him, and he MIGHT have swung on one orderly before they got the sedative into his system. And yea, he…hadn't been awake since.

He stared gloomily as he walked through the valley of death. There might have been more soldiers that were alive but it just…looked like a whole hell of a lot were dead. He stopped, staring at Kitamura sitting in the same chair he last saw him with a bullet through the head, decaying. He didn't like that bastard one bit but…he wasn't looking for the guy to go out that way.

"Why, Yagami?"

Shin's eyes widened as Kitamura's curled lips started to move. God, why? Why? "I-"

"You said you'd send help when you got to the base, why didn't you?"

"The…the phones, they didn't work, so-"

"You let all of these people DOWN, Yagami."

…Let him out. Please, let him out. Komari. Was he just imagining things? Was she alive? Did he save her, really? Or…or had he just…imagined…

What if the wounds killed her? He did the best he could but…but he should have become a doctor. A doctor like his dad, then he really would have been of some use. Lyla and him, they could have been married if he was a doctor! He wouldn't be here right now!

Komari? Komari, where was she?! Komari!

"Give him another dose."

No, stop. Please, stop.

Finding his way out of the jungle of his mind, Shin quickly gripped the hand about to give him more sedation. She squealed.

He panted, looking at her. She…was very short, like, 4'11", 149 centimeters tops. Her brown hair was about shoulder length and a white kerchief was on her head. Her honey brown eyes bounced in terror. Shaking, Shin whispered, "P-Please. Please, ju-just tell me…is…"

Oh look, they must have hydrated him, he could cry again. Tears streamed down his face as he choked, "P-Please, i-is Komari okay?"

"E-Eh?"

"Komari. Yamada. Is-Is she okay? Did she die?"

She looked startled as he wiped his eyes, shaking like a leaf. What…what did he live for if she died…?

"…U-Um, j-just sleep until three, okay?"

What? What did that have to do with Komari? Looking to her, frustrated, he found her fearful look was replaced with resolve. Eh? "J-Just trust me, it'll be easier. Wait until three."

…Three. What was the deal with three? Could he see her body at that time or something? Pulling out a syringe, she murmured, "…I have to make it look good. I'll-I'll give you a smaller dosage so you'll be coming around in about three hours. Okay?"

Did…did he have to? Before he could ask, she pushed the injection into his IV and he was back in Crazy Town. Were…were you supposed to be able to dream on anesthesia?

"Yagami-san? Can you hear me?"

Shin blinked languidly, staring at that same nurse, confused. He had had surgery once before the army for like a tooth thing and that's exactly how sedatives worked: you snapped your finger and suddenly it was over. That's what that just felt like. Hell, that three hours was the best blank sleep he'd had yet, he was almost irritated she'd interrupted it.

The nurse had a wheelchair…oh yea, his legs were jacked. Awkwardly, he pushed them over the side as she disconnected his tubing, connecting it to the mobile version. She was eying him hard, like she expected he…was going to snap. Damn. "…I…I apologize if…if you were the nurse I harmed prior, ma'am. I…I wasn't well."

Wasn't? "…No, Yagami-san, I understand. Come on, we have to be fast."

Yea, well, he wasn't in any hurry to view his friend's corpse but he didn't ask any questions. The hospital was like that of which he'd seen in a movie: sterile white hallways, walls, and white lights. It smelled…nauseatingly clean but he guessed he'd only smelled Earth for the last two months.

She wheeled him quickly to the end of the hall, a few turns here and there. It was empty…why were they in an empty hospital?

…Oh. No, the…the morgue…must have been vacant then.

Clenching his eyes shut, he gripped the arm of the chair, prepared to tell the nurse he was okay, he didn't need to see this. Alas, she turned so her back opened the door to a room and turned him.

"…Well! You have some audacity to be lost in the desert with me for two months then go missing for three days."

…Eh?

Shin gaped, finding Yamada Komari sitting up in a hospital bed, bandages on miscellaneous parts of her body, very…very much alive. She was smiling. She…

He choked as the nurse pushed him over to the side of the bed, instantly burying his face in her lap and full-blown weeping. She lived. She lived.

"Aww, my big ol' crybaby" Komari said, soothingly stroking his hair, "What's the deal? Seriously, I have been begging for information about you for three days and all I've gotten is bullshit. I thought you left."

What? "I-I dunno" he sniveled, wiping his eyes, "I-I haven't been-been awake three days, I don't think."

"…What?"

"I-I'll almost wake up and-and someone says to sedate me again."

Komari stared at him. She looked…way better, like, three days had done a wonder. He…wondered what he looked like now.

"…Was that your command, nurse?"

Eh? The little nurse yelped, "N-No! It…"

She paused. What? Komari cut her eyes at her, "…Hatanaka, wasn't it? She told you to keep Yagami sedated, I presume."

Hatanaka? He didn't know a Hatanaka. The nurse nodded slowly though. Komari's face…darkened. "…I want Shin's bed moved in here. There's space in that corner."

"O-Oh, I-"

"If Hatanaka says shit to you or threatens you, tell her I'll not only get her medical license pulled for improper administration of anesthesia, tell her don't think two months in the desert can keep me from kicking her ass. Lying ass bitch."

Shin stared at Komari as the nurse panicked, nodding rapidly, and rushing from the room. "…You know, I don't know what you're made of, Yamada, but it's not of anything from this Earth."

Komari snickered, "I'm blustering, I probably couldn't completely kick her ass right now…"

Yea, her leg was probably…

Staring down at the covers, about to remark on that topic, he…wasn't certain why the covers were dipping like that, like nothing was there on her left side. He actually reached out and touched it down…there…there was nothing there, why…?

Oh. There goes his breath again.

"Shin-" Komari said quickly.

Oh. A panic attack. That's what that was, this was a panic attack, he wheezed, gripping his chest. She lost her leg. She lost her leg because of him.

"SHIN" Komari snapped, grabbing his shoulders, "Listen to me CLOSELY: we were in the fucking desert for two months. Zechs soldiers were popping up at random, we were starving, we almost ran out of water-"

Her leg was gone. "SHIN. You got me out of there alive. You never gave up on the fact that this? This was a possibility. I had given up when we got to the base and there was no phone line, you carried us for over a month on just the prospect of there being hope. You got me here alive."

"But your leg—" he sobbed.

"—The person that once had that leg is still here. If the leg had made it and I didn't, what would you be saying right now?"

Oh God. Burying his face in his hands, he rapidly shook his head. Oh God. Komari grunted, hugging his shoulders, "Just a big damn softy. You'll never be anything but gold to me, Blue Eyes, so stop eating on yourself like this. You did the absolute best you could and we're alive now for it. Don't you see?"

…No.

"What the hell is this?"

Komari looked up sharply and he pulled away, still…shellshocked. No matter what she said, that…that was a limb gone. This…

"Itoh Kasumi—I put up with a lot of shit out of you. I knew where you were coming from and that you interpreted things differently due to your experiences" Komari hissed, "But this? This is unforgiveable."

"You lost your leg because of him, Komari!" Kasumi countered, walking back into the room with a black haired doctor.

"What am I, surrounded by idiots? I almost took those three shells to the back. Shin tried to save me, they went through my leg. I had gotten shot over thirty days ago. Shin treated the wounds so well, the infection didn't even spread past the leg and into my body which could have killed ME. ME. I am grateful that it just killed my leg. And don't you dare pretend this was about a leg!"

Shin rubbed his eyes as Komari's narrowed, "…I'm sorry, Sumi, but my boy here is here with me for the long haul. If you want to use your cronies to try to keep him sedated and away from me, you can disappear."

Why was she so mean?! "No, no, no" Shin quivered, waving his hands, "No, you-you don't mean that, Komari, stop."

He presumed 'Hatanaka' looked angry. "…You deserve better than that, Kasumi-san."

"Take her" Komari spat.

Jesus. Kasumi stared numbly at Komari before huffing, turning her head. Of course, just at that moment, the nurse that brought him here returned with his stretcher and squealed. Oops. Hatanaka glared daggers at her. Komari snarled, "Miss, what is your name?"

"E-Eh? Oh, I-I'm Hakuryu Violet."

Shin was miserable but his ears perked. Hakuryu…he'd heard that name before somewhere. Komari smiled, "That's a pretty name…and if I hear Hakuryu-san faced any sort of unjust treatment following this, ladies, I will throw one or both of you out of a window. I'll be fucked if you get to treat him like shit while I'm not looking and Teramoto is off handling business."

"…I'm going to bed" Kasumi said lowly, going to the hospital bed nearby.

She pulled the curtain and Hatanaka walked quickly over. They were whispering. Komari rolled her eyes as Shin frowned, "…What's the deal there?"

"…Well, Yagami, unfortunately…"

…Oh yea, shit, the secrets were supposed to die with them. He mouthed slowly, 'was Hatanaka one of the other girls in the brothel?'. Komari nodded in confirmation. Shit.

"Oh good, almost all of you are here."

Shin jumped, startled, as Colonel Teramoto Ken entered the room with Officer Dorey. In Dorey's hand was…the map. Oh, thank God, they…they hadn't had time to explain that that definitely didn't need to be crumbled up and thrown in the trash.

Hatanaka emerged from the curtains, alarmed, "A-Ah, Colonel."

"Doctor Hatanaka, Nurse Hakuryu, will you bring the other two here? We need to have a…discussion."

…What? They both nodded, quickly exiting the room as Kasumi pushed the curtain back. Komari stared at her drearily while Kasumi looked pissed. Well…so much for the lovebirds.

Staring into the distance as they waited, he watched the wall slowly…start to warp. Purple and orange, just like in the desert. He almost…stood to walk toward it…

Shin yelped when Komari smacked his bad shoulder hard, "Snap out of it."

"Fucking ow, Yamada."

"You got that look and you'd start talking to Sato and Bajiru, whoever the fuck that is. Stop it."

… "…You heard me?"

"Uh, yea, you were…definitely speaking but it wasn't to me" Komari nodded slowly.

"Told you your brain was half of. Less than" Sato snorted, sitting in a chair, "You're a disgrace, Yagami. A fucking disgrace."

Hell. Ignoring him because apparently his mind conversations hadn't been taking place in his mind like he thought they were, Shin exhaled as the two soldiers that had been in the box with Kasumi entered. Soga and Koike, if he remembered correctly. Violet got them chairs as they sat, seeming…miserable. Yea, he…got it.

Teramoto closed the doors, signaling Violet to close the blinds. Eh? "…Everyone in this room, minus the pilot and about two other soldiers, are the only ones aware that the five of you are alive."

…Shit. Shit! He…he had to call his dad. After this, he…he had to call him. Teramoto opened a notebook, drawling, "We'll start with you, Yagami, Yamada. Mission summary."

Shin looked to Komari as she outranked him. She swallowed before murmuring. "We were on our way to do a supply run to one of our barracks. It appears that the pilot took us away from the flight plan and, as such, we drew attention from the Zechs that were in the area we call "Prana". They shot one small missile into the bottom of the plane which killed our lieutenant and several soldiers. While the pilot was landing, they shot another missile through the front of the plan and killed our pilot."

"When we were able to disembark, we were able to fight off around…a hundred Zechs soldiers, taking casualties numbered at about twenty. Yagami located on the map that the Grimoire base was 350 miles from where we crashed. I admit that I and Kitamura talked him out of it and he reasoned to wait ten days in the case that the army rescued us. During that time, we took two additional attacks from the Zechs which cut our unit down to fifty. I still tried to talk Yagami out of it but he was bent on trying to reach a hotline at the Grimoire base. Thus, we took our portion of supplies, and headed out to the base."

"We…came across a camp that the Zechs were—are keeping Terrans before we reached the base. We came into contact with two Zechs' lookouts and were forced to execute them or be revealed. When we got to Grimoire, it appears that the line had been cut. Yagami and I stayed there and were attacked by more soldiers. We executed them and utilized their vehicle to drive us into the desert. Yagami reasoned we could attempt to reach the coast near Yemen."

Shin buried his face in his hands. Everything was his idea… "The truck ran out of gas—we walked, I took three bullets to the leg. Shin stole the vehicle of those that shot us after killing them then drove us until the gas ran out. Then, we got on the dune buggy he secured and drove that until the gas ran out. Then, Yagami proceeded to carry me. We came across around a dozen camps, notched as x's on the map. You're aware of the rest, sir. Yagami took shots to his legs then you found us."

Teramoto slowly shook his head, "…It'll do but I'll need details. What did you do with the bodies?"

Biting his lip, Shin whispered, "…We buried everything. Bodies, trucks, the dune buggy—we left no evidence on the surface when we left."

"Excellent."

What? Teramoto flipped the page, drawling, "Itoh, what happened back at the camp?"

Kasumi was silent. Hmm? Komari looked at her as Kasumi sat up a bit straighter, clearing her throat, "I…I apologize, Colonel. I would like…to defer to Soga this once."

Soga grimaced, wringing his hands. He looked…distraught, "U-Um, really, a-after Yagami and Yamada left, we…we really didn't see anymore Zechs' soldiers, sir. At least, I should say, not for like…twenty or so days, maybe? They…they came out of nowhere. We…we had gone off to-to hunt, me, Itoh, Koike, and Fumo. There were some…some animals we found we could eat. We hadn't…quite left yet so we took cover."

…Fumo? "They ravaged the camp. Shot Kitamura right in the head where he was sitting and-and killed…all but us. Fumo…Fumo killed himself, he-he panicked. We managed to…to hide and avoid it. They…they never came back but…we struggled to stay alive up until you found us."

Shin stared at them. That… "…They killed…almost a hundred of us."

Soga nodded weakly. Almost…a hundred people…dead. Shin ran his hands down his face, rasping, "…Out of our…our entire platoon, five of us—five of us made it. Only-Only five percent of us made it."

…Why? They all bowed their head, an undeniably gravity forcing down on their shoulders. What…what the hell gave him the grace to be one of five?

"…Yagami, these x's. These are the Terran camps, right?"

Shin looked up and just nodded numbly. Teramoto looked to Dorey who nodded, "…We got bamboozled on some military…tactics the Zechs suggested. They were really starting these mini camps in the desert where we weren't looking. Where you mysteriously ended up, Yagami, Yamada, we were just trying to recover a recently caught village. They…they don't know we have a location for a good chunk of their camps."

Teramoto nodded, clearing his throat. "…We want you all…to stay dead."

They stared at him, puzzled. What…? "…What do you…mean?" Komari said slowly.

"We've brought you to a hospital to a floor where you're the only occupants aside from a few doctors and nurses. It's…going to be a lot to ask. But I don't think either of you, Yamada, Yagami…I don't think you're going to want to see what you accomplished compromised."

…What…more could they possibly ask of them? "Yagami, Yamada, we would like to send you home tomorrow."

"…What?"

"We want to send you home tomorrow. We can't…risk any record of having you alive. You're all operating under John Doe type names right now and aren't members of our military. We have moles. If we put you in army watch apartments or witness protection, it might get back. I can fly in tomorrow morning with you all, drop you off, and you stay in your homes until we say it's time to come out. I trust your families…more than I trust other areas right now."

Wait. Wait. "…Tomorrow?" Shin exclaimed, "T-Tomorrow? Colonel…no. No, you can-cannot send me back to my family like this. I am—I am not…I'm not good right now, sir. I-I need help, I might-I might snap."

He fought a nurse trying to help him. He was-he was not deprogrammed. He was still on kill mode and they weren't even going to try to shut it off? Dorey, who seemed nonchalant, assured, "We'll send you with Pentobarbital and Xanax."

Shin couldn't even register what he just heard. Komari…laughed. It was entirely humorless. "He tells you…he's afraid for his family's safety because we are in—in a heightened sense of self-preservation…I need you all to understand, Yagami and I slit some guy's throats out there, we had to literally cut jugulars—fuck, we are not slightly good to go home. And your response to this…is we'll send a shit ton of drugs with you?"

Teramoto shot Dorey a look, the second seeming surprised, "I assure you, Yamada, Yagami, we fully respect—all of you for making it through that situation. Every one of your files say you're dead right now based off you fell in the water. If we knew you fell in the desert, the same definitely would have occurred because that desert was hell when we were running Grimoire. I won't even pretend I know what you're going through—but if the Zechs pull those Terrans out of those locations now, we're back at square one. Please, you…don't have to agree, but I'm asking if you can possibly let this run for three months."

Three…months. They all blanched, staring at the two. They wanted them…to stay in hiding…in murderous homicidal mode…with their families…for three months?

Koike, whom had been silent, slowly nodded, "…I…I didn't do an ounce of legwork. I thought…I thought Yagami was crazy when he and Yamada left, that Yamada would leave and come back. But they…they did bring you guys to get us. I owe them my life, so…whatever they say, I'll go for. My mom and step-dad will let me sit in the basement for a few months if I tell them it's a mission."

Soga nodded, "S-Same. My parents own a dumpling shop, I…I can fold dumplings at night to earn my keep and they'll definitely cover for me. Whatever Yagami and Yamada say."

…Really? Kasumi glanced to Komari, muttering, "…I don't have an apartment right now and I…I don't have parents. I know…her father will cover for me so I can stay with them if…Komari is willing."

So…it was up to them…whether thousands of Terrans were rescued or they all potentially got home and murdered their families.

…He smiled. Maybe. "Shin?" Komari said wearily.

"…I don't want…to do it to him but…I do have a relative that will probably fight me to the death for kicks. My father…probably has access to sedatives and can maybe fly under the radar to get tranqs if I need to be stopped. I…I can go underground for three months or so."

Komari tipped her head, nodding, "…Yagami says he can do it, I can do it too."

"Just to reiterate…this means you cannot call anyone. When you get home, if no one's there—you cannot call and announce you're alive. No emails. No…going out unless your home is on fire. If you must go out, obscure yourselves entirely. This is a covert mission to keep yourselves dead."

…Really. They all just nodded.

…Home. A place…he couldn't deserve less.

Just live with it.

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Yagami Shin's head was relaxed against the headrest as he sat in the back of a normal car. It had insanely tinted windows but he was wearing a hood and sunglasses just in case. While he shaved his beard before he got on the plane, they advised to just keep his hair long, that it'd help with a 'new identity' should anything go wrong. Sure…whoever he was didn't care anyway.

It was weird to him to come in the middle of the day. Wouldn't it be better to move at night? Teramoto scoffed, "Aren't people that drive around at night more suspicious than the day, Yagami?"

…Not really? But again, whatever. If they got caught at this junction, it wasn't on him. He gazed at the shops they passed, people walking around and seeming normal. He…felt oddly indifferent to normal right now. It was actually a bit scary.

He closed his eyes for about ten minutes and felt them turn. Looking up, he stared…at trees. Trees… "…Where are we?" he questioned lowly.

Teramoto leered over his shoulder, "…I hope this is your house, Yagami."

…Was it?

Shin stared and, sure enough, this looked like the place where he sat on the porch and mourned dead rock stars. He might have sat in his brother's car in that spot over there and told him he wanted to save people like he was a god. How…stupid.

"…All right, Yagami, I'll be honest with you: out of all five of them, you seem the most baked. I can put you in a home by yourself but it's just going to up the chances of you getting noticed since I have to have groceries and supplies delivered to you. I feel like this is the better option."

Of course he did. Shin shrugged, "…I'll be fine, Colonel. Honestly? My…my family has probably been through worse than me."

Maybe. Teramoto nodded slowly, "…Yagami, I am sorry about all you went through. But this? This is…monumental. We've never been in a place yet where we can one up the Zechs. It's no replacement for your sanity but you did…you did a good job and I am proud you're doing this."

… "Thanks."

"Head in. I gave you your key."

"Okay."

Grabbing his bag, he wandered up the steps, leaning on the cane and booting himself up each step. Teramoto asked if they got a lot of company. Hardly. He was certain no one was home in the first place. Gazing off to the side, he saw the dark haze in the distant trees, calling him like always. No, not…not yet. Keeping his eyes low, he jumped when the door opened slowly without him knocking. What?

He stared. At the door was Yagami Dana. She was peeking out before opening it more. Her dark eyes gazed at him and he figured she wondered who this burnt crazy looking long-haired man was at her door. He…almost introduced who…she once knew.

"…Shin" she breathed.

His heart…actually skipped as her face dissolved into tears. "Oh! Oh my God, Shin!"

Oh shit, he was going to get his cover blown within the first minute. Gently, or what he imagined was gentle, pushing her into the foyer and closing the door, he gasped as she hugged him tightly, crying so…so hard. "Shin, oh-oh, my-my Sweetie Plum, yo-you're home. You're finally home."

Sweetie Plum? Finally…finally home, what? No one…no one knew. Why…why was she…she here? He whimpered, "Mama, I…I don't understand, did…did someone call you? What are you doing home?"

Dana sniffed in, wiping her eyes, "Si-Silly thing, d-didn't I say I would wait for you?"

… "M-Mama, I've-I've…I've been gone for-for over two months now—there was nothing to wait for" he protested.

She rapidly shook her head, gripping his cheeks, "…I got little feelings here or there. They…they almost broke me but I…I felt it. I felt you were alive out there, no matter what they said, and you'd come back."

…How though? Biting his lip as she pulled him to kiss his forehead, he trembled and embraced her completely, collapsing to his knees, "Mama, oh my God—Mama."

Despite how he felt literally anyone else would have barraged him with a million questions, Yagami Dana just held him as he wept in anguish, quietly stroking his back and hair. She didn't shush him or anything, letting him get…some of it out. Most of it, he…he wasn't ready to let go. Not to her, not…not to place on his mama.

She helped him up once he was done, shaky as she walked him to the couch. Oh…the couch. She put him on the elongated piece where he once napped, carefree. She held his hand after taking off his glasses and staring at him, "…What happened, Sweetie Plum?"

"…Enough…where I definitely don't deserve that name…"

"You'll stop being my Sweetie Plum when I stop breathing" she said firmly.

God forbid. He grimaced as she looked at him beseechingly, "…They called, said your plane went down in the water. Your skin and hair are burnt…you were still in the desert, weren't you?"

Sharp as hell. "…Our pilot, he took a wrong route. We…we were shot down in the desert by the Zechs. I…and my friend, Yamada, we went out to try to get…help. I…we tried to go to an old base and it hadn't worked so we…we trekked until someone found us. We…we were out there for 65 days. My…my friend…she…she lost her leg and…and I'm only one person out of five that made it, mama, and there was a hundred of us. I'm…"

I'm absolutely insane. Dana squeezed his hand tight, "…As always, you're a blessing."

His eyes widened at this as Dana smiled, "…I know how you and your father work. You're probably in turmoil over everything that had to happen for you to live. I'm here to tell you both that it may not have been anything supernatural or spiritual, but the fact that you made it? That has meaning and purpose, you're not just some random statistic."

…Really? He doubted it. She suddenly pouted, "….You're injured. Let me look at your wounds."

"O-Oh, no, mama, that's…"

"When's the last time they were cleaned? I will not have them getting infected" she huffed.

…No one like a doting mom. She went upstairs and grabbed a freshly washed sheet to relax under his legs, unwrapping the bandages at ease since he'd been wearing jersey shorts. He winced as he felt her sharply inhale. Getting shot in the back of the legs…generally only meant a couple of things. One thing was…he was running.

His mother didn't say anything though. She took the saline he had in his bag and irrigated the bullet holes after removing the old packing. Taking the tweezers out of the set, she hummed soothingly as she pushed the fresh iodoform packing in. He smiled softly at her as she wrapped them up, way more gentle than she should have but, well, this…was his mama. "…Thank you, mama."

"Of course, my sweetie" she whispered, kissing his temple…before jumping to her feet, "Now I need to call your father immediately."

Oops. "W-Wait, mama, no."

"No?" she demanded, looking at him dead in the eye.

Oh boy. "Y…Yea. Let me, uh…explain a few things first."

So, he essentially advised his mother that the army, who advised her that her first born child was dead, needed him to stay dead and that no one needed to know he was alive. Yep. Dana stared at him blankly. "…I'm sorry, what?"

"Mama…"

"You…mean to tell me…you were lost in the desert for two months, struggling, starving, and dying…while your family back here either thought you were dead or had no idea where you were…and they send you back, asking…that you stay dead…until they finish whatever the hell it is they need to do? Which means…I can't call…your father, to tell him his baby is home."

"…Yea?" he drawled pitchily.

Squeezing the bridge of her nose, Dana smiled…tightly. "…Do they need me to go fight the Zechs and them? Because, I will, in that order."

Shin found himself smirking. He needed someone to come home, he adored his mother too much for him to lose it around her. No, he'd…he'd hold his shit together, this…this was, undeniably, one reason he made it through the desert.

"…All right. God knows I will not cause all of what you accomplished while you were suffering to be in vain. It will take…everything in me that loves your father to not do it but I will do it for you, Sweetie Plum."

"Thank you, mama…"

Kissing his forehead, she helped him take off his hoodie and propped him against the pillows, covering him. "Get some sleep. I will covertly go to the store and get you all your favorite meals because you're stick thin and I will not have it."

No. No, sleep…sleep was where he was the most dangerous. "No, mama…wait. Um…if…if I do fall asleep? And it…it seems like I'm restless, just….well, don't…don't try to…comfort me, okay?"

Dana's brows furrowed and he almost thought she'd scoff. Alas, she nodded, "I understand, Sweetie. Get some rest the best you can, I won't be long."

"…All right, mama."

"I love you, Shin" she whispered.

…He felt that was a bit too soon to say. Give it time. "…I love you too, mama."

…He meant it though. Please…please, he just…needed him. If anything happened to her, he…he wouldn't be able to live with himself and he couldn't even do so right now.

….Welcome home.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Shin was sitting on top of a building, severed arms all around him as he sat on the edge, dangling his feet. A rifle was in his hands and little mice were running below. He shot them for…no real reason. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

He jumped down to see if they were dead. Instead, he found Komari, Kasumi, Koike, and Soga's bodies with their heads blown off. His pulse started to race and he screamed. No. God, no.

Something was dripping…onto his shoulders. Shakily reaching up, he looked at fingertips and found it was blood. Going for his head, he screeched when he found a huge bullet hole right through his skull.

Fuck.

"WHAT?"

Shin's eyes popped open, shocked, sitting up and reaching for his pocket mindlessly. Shit, he had nothing, why did he have nothing? Where were his knives and guns? Had they disarmed him?

He stared at…a television, as Spike Spiegal was on the screen, speaking to Faye Valentine, while he lied stretched across their designer couch in the living room under their specialty throw blanket.

Fuck.

Alas, looking up, he finally realized a new voice had emerged. That 'what'…from around the corner, in emerged one Yagami Koji.

His younger brother looked about the same but his hair was a bit longer, kind of hanging over one of his ultra wide eyes right now. Shin stared at him drearily. "…Hey, bro. I made it."

"…Dude."

Shin managed to get to his feet, kind of slumped because his legs were not for all this movement given they had rather large bullet holes in both of them. Koji stared at him, wide-eyed, probably because he looked like a freak of nature. Alas…Koji managed it with Jill, but he was never good with…affection with them. Koji winced and hugged him. "Fuck."

Patting his back, Shin mumbled, "…You told me to fight for my life, right?"

"Yea. Not gonna lie though, I was…I was pulling for you but…you were starting to get me there for a second."

Smiling at that as Koji helped him back down, Dana entered with a tray of food, "For my Sweetie Plum."

"Oh, mama, that…that's probably way too much" he murmured.

"Eat what you can" she assured, "I'll be right back."

"…Thank you."

Oh. "…Itedakimasu."

He struggled to pick up the chopsticks, the act almost foreign to him. Alas, he picked up a bit of the skipjack teriyaki and ate it. Oh…oh God. He almost melted, closing his eyes as he leaned back. His mind couldn't handle it was eating flavor right now, shit.

"…So, can you explain to me why our mother is sitting on this…fucking gold mine piece of information? Do you have any idea what this has done to the family for the last few months?" Koji grunted, sitting on the end of the chaise to look at him.

Cringing, Shin miserably ate a bit of rice. Yea, he…could only imagine.

So, he explained to Koji, of all people, why he was…dead until otherwise discovered to this family alone. Koji stared at him just like their mother had. "…Fuck them, Shin."

"Koji. I cannot say 'fuck you' to those Terrans out there in the desert. It's paining me but that is literally why I joined the army: to help them. I need there to have been a reason for me being out there, going through hell, and that reason would be saving their lives."

Koji had buried his face in his hands, kneading his skull, "…Shin, you look…fucking terrible, no offense. You look like you went through hell and more. I get it but when is enough enough?"

"After the job is done" he muttered.

"…You know I'm not going to just sit here and act dumb, right?"

"Koji."

He shrugged and Shin leered. Mr. Chaos his damn self. "…Koji, I need you. And it's a selfish request and you can tell me to go to hell but I need you."

"…How?"

"I…I got issues, Koji, okay? I've seen things…I've done things…that I can never take back or get back. I might forgive myself one day but I haven't yet. And…due to the mission, they didn't give me…any sort of treatment. I am…a ticking time bomb and I have to stay here with our mother and younger siblings and I will shoot myself if I hurt them, Koji. I don't…I don't want you to fall behind in school…but if there is any way possible…you can…can be here to protect them from me, I'd like to request you do so."

Koji just looked at him for a long time. What? What was it? Was…was he not worth it? He…he probably wasn't in the scheme of things.

"…You know I got you, dumbass. I'll move my classes to Saturday so Nelly can watch you that day while I watch you the rest of the week."

Eh? "Are…are you sure?"

"I can pull it for a semester…or longer, if need be" Koji reassured, reaching for his bookbag.

Oh. "T-Thank you, Koji. Why…why are you here now?"

"Checking on mama" he said simply, taking out a random…jar. "And usually I want to see if anyone had heard anything. But mostly mama. You know dad hasn't been home in like a month and a half?"

What? "T-That's crazy! Mama's still his wife!"

"Optimism isn't dad's strong point" Koji droned, opening up some kind of metal and pouring in…

Shin stared at Koji's…activity before grunting, "…So dad's not home because mama had faith I wasn't dead."

"Eh, for the most part. That, and pouring himself into work was his therapy since he was a child, I guess" Koji mused, spinning the top of apparently a grinder.

Ridiculous. Shin's eyes narrowed as Koji nipped a rolling paper to wet it after lining up weed crumbles in a row. Just about as ridiculous as Koji rolling up a blunt in their parent's living room. He honest to truth forgot how insane his family was while he was getting insane in the desert, good lord.

Koji flipped out his lighter, indicating that he was, indeed, going to smoke pot with their mom in the next room. "…Y'know, Koji, I…might need some time to ease myself back into your peculiarities."

Snorting, Koji took a puff before…handing it to him? "Koji."

"You're not sleeping."

…Eh? Shin stared at him, wide-eyed, as Koji looked at him seriously. "Probably eating you up inside, whatever it is. Can't sleep, don't think you can, right? The dreams, or lack thereof, probably make you feel like you're losing it or something's wrong with you."

…Shit. Shin shivered as his brother, the one that dealt with dark dreams long before Shin enabled them in himself, stared back evenly. "It helps me sleep. I don't have any dreams or have to focus on them with this strain. Take a puff."

…Oh man. Shakily taking it, setting his empty tray aside, he slowly inhaled. Shit, he…he wasn't expecting that. Here…here he was bellyaching over trauma he at least…recalled and could possibly deal with.

…Unfortunately…Koji was the one for this job.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Nothing…natural like that did Shin expect to work. He needed hard drugs like the ones he had almost a mason jar of in his bag. Alas, one minute he was slightly chatting with Koji, the next…

Like Koji said, he was in a nice warm void that had him entirely…well, at peace or at least stoned. Whatever the case, Koji was not wrong, he was completely calm and he slipped into a hard, deep sleep that didn't have him shooting himself or his friends. He was, in fact, doing absolutely nothing but sleeping and, bless that mystical weed, he needed it.

He wasn't certain how long he was asleep but eventually he just felt like he needed to pee. Literally…the most ANNOYING sensation in the universe was getting into a nice cozy sleep and then having to get up to go to the bathroom. It…took some time for him to acclimate these last three days to the fact he had facilities for such now. And, well, he doubted his mom would appreciate him peeing on their sofa, so…

Opening his eyes, he froze. Again, he tried to reach for his empty pockets. Sitting some feet away was a blonde young woman wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of shorts, her hair streaming down her shoulders as she scribbled in a notebook. Occasionally, she'd reach up and rub her eyes, apparently crying. What the hell was this? Where was Koji? Who…

Shin was cheek down in the couch in his own drool. Watching her for at least about three minutes, he noted she had blue eyes. A blonde…with blue eyes…

"…Jill?"

His only baby sister looked up rapidly before she sobbed, "Nii-san!"

What…what the fucking hell? He groggily sat up as she barreled into his chest, hugging him tightly. "Nii-san! Oh, I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry, m-mama and Koji, they s-said to have faith in you coming home but I didn't and-and I'm so sorry, nii-san!"

"…Don't be silly, imoto" he murmured faintly, holding her and stroking her hair, "I would question it too, you are just fine."

"No. No, I-I should have had hope for you…"

Shin wasn't worried about that. He was worried about how his baby sister looked like a damn young adult! Gently pushing her away, he stared at her face as she looked confused. She probably had boys around her like the air they breathed.

"Oh yea, you see ol' bombshell here?"

Looking up when Koji entered, holding his phone, Jill leered, "Shaddap, nii-san. I don't look that different."

"The hell you don't! I barely recognize you! You probably have to knock them back with a bat!" Shin sulked.

Jill sighed, rolling her eyes, "Ya'll are so rich…you're literally MIA after a year and then you come back with the same nonsense like you never left."

"Believe me, that's…a bit refreshing for me" he murmured.

She frowned as he gently pulled away, rubbing his face, "…I didn't think anything was going to feel the same for me, if I made it."

"Nii-san…"

Oh, right, he had to pee. Grabbing his cane, this managed to alarm both Jill and Koji. "What the fuck, Shin?"

"Relax. I…hopefully won't need it forever."

Limping off, he found the clock in the kitchen read 6:38…his mom was humming as she appeared to be cooking again. Sheesh. Going into the bathroom, he relieved himself and turned to wash his hands. Shin wiped his hand on the towel, staring at himself in the mirror. He…was a wreck.

When he headed back out, his mom was all smiles. "Did you sleep well, Sweetie Plum?"

…After smoking pot in your living room? "…Yes, mommy."

She smirked for some reason, probably because weed smelled awful and she knew what he'd done. However, she didn't rebuke him. "Get off that leg. I'm going to check it again in a few hours."

"Thank you, mom…"

"What happened to your legs?" Koji demanded as he shuffled back into the room.

With a sigh, Shin stretched back on the couch. Jill quickly covered him back up with the blankets, frowning, "…You don't look so good, nii-san. Are…are you sick?"

"…I was in the desert the whole time, Jill. It was…120 degrees out there almost every day and we had to moderate water and food. No sunscreen and…well, I was walking hundreds if not thousands of miles. I probably look a little rough right now."

Jill trembled as Shin groaned, "…And, before they rescued me, I got shot in the back of the leg by the Zechs. Three bullets in each leg so I got shot six times."

"And they just want you to sit around and play dead. Fucking bullshit" spat Koji, stalking away.

Their sister gripped his hand, looking at him beseechingly, "…Are you really…really okay though, nii-san?"

"…I won't lie, Jilly, I've…I've been way better. But, enough about me, how…how are you? You really are scaring me with how different you look. I bet Shaun is going to mess me up too."

Jill nodded slowly, "…Him and Tony do look different so…I guess I would too."

Great. "How…How is Tony? I never got to talk to him after I left."

"Oh, he's way better now, nii-san!" Jill insisted, "I-I wish we could tell, I bet he'd leave night school quick and fast if he knew."

"…Night school? I…I thought he dropped out."

She sighed, "…It's a long story but he came back to school. In order to graduate on time with me, he has to complete his first year at night. He'll be out around eight."

"T-That's…that's fantastic, Jill" he breathed, honestly…relieved? God, aside from his dad going AWOL, it sounded…like everything was going well here without him.

"All right, where the fuck is Koji so I can fight his ass?!"

…His family home may have been too hyped up for his blood at current. Shin gazed absently as Yagami Nerimaru rounded the corner, looking pissed. Well…that was Koji's other forte: picking fights. Shin hoped he didn't give out too many details.

Didn't seem so, Nelly's eyes crossed him and he recoiled. Good ol' Koji. "…Shin?"

Shin nodded as Nelly looked…floored. "…Oh my God, w-what? Wh—oh my God, Shin!"

Nelly hugged him at ease, gripping his shoulders, "B-Bro, wh-where the fuck have you been?! They to—they told us you were dead, what the—what the shit?!"

"…It's a long story. I'm getting a little weary of telling it so, if you don't mind waiting until Shaun and Tony get back…just know, I, uh, was lost in the desert so that's why I look like this."

" 'Lost in the desert'?" Nelly echoed, "…How long have you been here?"

"…Since about twelve."

"…Excuse me?"

Jill shook her head, "Nii-san's still on a mission, Nell. No one can know he's here except family. To the world at large, he needs to remain 'dead'. He nor us can communicate that he's here alive which is probably why Koji was annoying you to try to get you here."

…Still on a mission. How…true. Nelly's eyes narrowed sharply, "…So, fuck dad, right? He is a mental disaster right now but the army doesn't give two shits, huh?"

"I'm working on it."

Koji walked back in, sipping a Coke. Nelly glowered back at him, drawling, "…Well, if you do the same number you did on me to get me here, you'll get dad, no problem."

"Tuh, you're easy compared to dad. I need to get ready to put on a whole act for him."

What…? Koji reached into his pocket, pulling out his wallet, "Jill, princess, can you go get some aloe vera for Shin? I don't think we have enough."

"Ah! Yes, of course" she nodded, taking the money he handed her.

Aloe vera? Go? How? It was getting late. Shin listened to the door shut before grunting, "…How is she going anywhere?"

Nelly's brows furrowed as Koji continued to drink his soda, sighing after finishing a swig, "…Shin, stick with us here: …she's sixteen. She's driving now."

…Oh. Oh yea. Dropping back against the couch, wide-eyed, he slowly shook his head, "…I…I feel like I…I just dropped off the face of the planet and now I'm coming back with no idea about…anything now."

"I can understand that" Nelly assured.

…Could he? Koji's eyes cut toward the kitchen before coming over to get into a closer huddle. "…Nell, we're going to have to help Shin out. Don't ask too many stupid questions, I just need you to come home on Saturday all day until this 'top secret shit' is over so we can watch out for him."

"All right" Nelly nodded slowly.

…His family was always a team, no matter how he looked at it. Swallowing, Shin whispered, "T-Thanks, both of you."

Nelly looked…apprehensive, "…This is going to really eat me alive, you know that, right?"

"Just chill" Koji stretched, "He'll know before the night is over. Relax though, man. You want another puff?"

Making a face, Shin muttered, "…No. I can possibly doze more comfortably knowing you two are here anyway. I don't want to become…immune to that magic."

The dynamic duo nodded and walked into the kitchen, their voices chatting with their mother as he resumed his position on the couch. To say he felt…good about this would be a straight up lie.

But…he did have a lot of people that had his back, didn't he? His mother was right that he was blessed in that much.

…People had his back. He…needed to maintain his own mind.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"That's FUCKING BULLSHIT."

…Once again he was reminded that five siblings was literally just a different kind of warzone.

"Will you keep your fucking voice down, you overemotional little shit?" Koji countered whomever made the initial proclamation, "I don't think fucking Russia heard you."

"He's not wrong, futago…" Nelly drawled.

"I didn't say he was wrong; I said he was loud with emotion. Shin is trying to sleep."

Jill was sitting on the floor nearest to him, based on tonality as he hadn't opened his eyes yet to reveal they woke him up, something he'd have to explain to Koji was a big 'no-no'. Well, he'd…probably have had to work to reach her and Koji probably had ample time to punch him into the ground if he tried it. Okay. Their sister sounded upset, "It's really not fair though, Koji. To Shin or papa. W-What if he died out there?"

"…I mean, at least that seems moot though, right?" said…someone. It sounded like maybe Shaun.

"It might not have been though!" Jill huffed.

"Yea!" barked the initial loud one. Must be Tony… "And after almost getting killed and shot at like he was some fucking target, they tell him to stay hidden inside?! His life was on the line for months, how dare they ask him to keep not living it?!"

…Mm. Koji sounded…calm, "Again…don't disagree with any of you right now. However, I am asking you to do this for Shin. I don't know…what the hell was going on in the desert that he knows that other people can't know that he's alive, it doesn't make a shit bit of sense to me. But—BUT, he returned to us alive after being missing or otherwise assumed dead. And he has requested that we keep his existence a secret until he gets word he can 'live again'. So that means we have to go on, pretending, to be sad and hoping our dad wants to return to this house he pays for to see he doesn't need to be sad anymore for real without us saying anything. I want us to keep calm, help him recover, and for all he's done, keep his request. Are we collectively good to do that or do I have to lock some people in the basement?"

…Shaun, possibly, assured, "For Shin, I can keep the secret."

"Of course" Jill agreed.

That damn Tony, he didn't chime in at all. That kid… "…I…I really didn't think he'd come back."

"I know" Koji murmured.

"…All right. We…were given a second chance and…and that's the most important part so I'll do it for Shin, even though I don't like it."

Tony… "Ah! Nii-san, I'm sorry, did we wake you?"

Oops. Shin blinked wearily, bleary eyed for multiple reasons as he sat up. Shaun came into his vision first, "Nii-san…this is so awesome. You're like-like a superhero or something for this."

"Tch…hardly" Shin smiled as he hugged the youngest. His hair was very…oddly cut very long over one eye. He did look…taller and older too.

Tony's blond hair, still a bit browner than Jill's was cut shorter but he also looked like a full-grown damn man, maybe just several centimeters shorter than Koji and Nelly. He was awkwardly rubbing his arm, seeming offstandish as he stared down. Jill sulked, swatting at him, "Baka."

"…H-Hey, nii-san."

"Hey, Tony."

"I…I'm glad you're okay. Really. And there's…there's a lot of things from before that I'm…I'm sorry for and wish…wish went different. I'm…I'm just glad that…that wasn't the way it ended" he whispered.

"Don't sweat it, itoto" Shin grimaced, standing to hug him, "…I think I'm…about to have some growing pains myself. I get it."

"Shin…" he whispered, hugging him almost shyly.

Well…this was an extremely nice homecoming for him to receive. If…if only they knew he didn't deserve a second of it. Shaun frowned at his legs, shaking his head, "Shin…what happened out there?"

… "Oi, oi" Nelly grunted, standing up, "Don't bug him about stuff like that. Let's just be glad he's here. C'mon, let's help mama make the plates."

Younger Shaun would have sulked about being cutoff from his curiosities but…well, fifteen-year-old Shaun nodded, giving him an apologetic look, before going into the kitchen.

…It…it wasn't like…he wouldn't talk about it. He just…didn't want them to see the truth this soon.

Yagami Dana entered the room, pulling on gloves, "All right, Sweetie Plum, let's change out the packing."

"Mama, I…I can. It's gross…"

"How will you reach the back of your legs?" she sulked, "Lie down."

Yeesh. He found himself smirking when all of the younger siblings popped back in the room like they teleported, Nelly calling from the kitchen 'oi!'. Dana also leered at them as they came behind, looking mystified. "…This is not some spectacle, you lot."

"It's…it's fine, mama. They can see" Shin murmured.

Nelly came back in with his arms crossed, Koji sitting on the other end of the sofa from what he could see in his peripheral. His mother unwrapped the bandages before removing the gauze. He tried not to grimace when he heard inhales and Jill gasp loudly. His mom was right, he would have really struggled to do this himself. He hadn't…really seen them but it was described as deep craters in his leg. He was really confused why they didn't just…sew them up or something or how he hadn't taken muscle or ligament damage. The doctor was lackadaisical so it was possible but he just said 'pack them'…

"…Holy shit" Shaun rasped.

Mama just worked diligently as he imagined his siblings were just gawking behind him. She covered them back up, wrapped them in gauze, and redid his bandages before disposing of the gloves, standing. It was a little…scary how stolid his mom was about this stuff sometimes. Like the colonel said back when he completed training, she could have easily been a soldier. She wrapped up the bag, kissing his temple, "Come eat so I can get you plumped back up."

Nodding softly, sitting back up, he lightly glanced over his shoulder. God, Jill was back in tears and Tony and Shaun look mortified. It appeared Nelly and Koji had gone off to the deck to light up a cigarette. He was proud he was only a third provoked to join them, he…didn't need a habit like that right now or ever again.

He sighed when he stumbled trying to get up and Shaun and Tony quickly came to help. "Thanks…really, it…just kind of hurts."

He said, lying. It hurt like hell. And his once young naïve siblings looked completely in disbelief so he just sighed again. He…wasn't sure what to tell them except that he came close to dying but…

Shin smiled as his mom put a full spread before him. Well, a full spread with small portions of a lot of his favorite meals. Mama knew. Koji and Nelly meandered in to sit down after washing their hands, silent. Jeez, he wanted to eat in some kind of joy since they were…almost all together.

"So…how is everyone?" Shin drawled, picking up his chopsticks.

Shaun's dark eyes blinked very slowly. "…Good?"

"Okay…"

Koji finally smirked, picking up his bowl of rice, "You'll forgive us if our lives seem far less…titillating than the guy that came back from the 'dead', Shin."

"Seriously" snorted Nelly.

Great. His mom sat down, sighing, "I am certain Shin is in no mood to keep talking about something so fresh, you all. Unless he wants to."

"…I really don't, mama." Not…not right now. "But, really. I heard you went back to school, Tony. That's…that's excellent."

Tony looked a little alarmed, having been picking at his food, "O-Oh…yea. I…I mean, it's all work so it ended up being whatever."

Jill stuck out her tongue at him, wiping at her still damp eyes, "Tsundere ass."

Hmm? Tony made a face but grumbled, "…I went back really meaning to go temporarily but I kind of found I really like chemistry, so…I guess one class will keep me entertained."

"That's nice, Tony, for real…I'm happy for you. I'm glad you found purpose in something."

"Thanks, Shin…"

Shaun sipped his miso as Shin looked to him. "…You…still like robots?"

"Eh."

Okay. Setting his bowl down, Shaun nodded, "I've been getting into industrial and mechanical engineering. There's this little side club I go to after school and I've been building another motorcycle. Not to replace Kamex or anything but to see how I can improve."

Crap, Kamex. "Is Kamex still running…?"

"Of course" Shaun huffed.

Rather suddenly, every single person at the table got this weird look on their face, like a universal 'oh shit' ran through everyone's head. Wha…? Koji and their mom exchanged a look, almost like…who was going to tell him? Shin glowered, "…Just tell me."

"…Yea, so…dad had this weird…moment of just…" Koji started before stopping, looking blank, "…Okay, we managed to save your room but your car and bike are gone, man."

…He wasn't sentimental. Not after being out in the middle of nowhere where none of his material items helped him one damn bit. No, he easily became very detached to possessions out there. Nonetheless…he would once again be lying if he said he didn't want to scream 'what the fuck do you mean?!'.

Gaping wordlessly at them instead as they all looked…perturbed, Nelly drawled, "…You…you can use my…my car when you can…drive again."

Shin bit his lip, setting his chopsticks down. "…I…appreciate that, Nelly. However…how…gone are we talking?"

Tony smiled nervously, "…Uh, nii-san, they actually…discontinued making the Supra model this year so, um…I think it sat on the dealer lot for an hour before someone snatched it up."

Covering his mouth with his hands, he tried to…digest. That car…held at least a few good memories which he would have liked to have…maintained it for. And now…it was not only sold immediately to some strange person, apparently it was about to become rare meaning he wouldn't be able to buy it back. Dana scratched the top of her head, groaning, "…What is with him and rare cars?"

"…It's just a thing. Things don't matter. I…can get another car and…potentially another bike" Shin breathed, calming himself.

"That's real good, onii-san" Shaun praised, "Fuck stuff."

"Shaun" Dana leered.

God knows he wanted to see his dad. His dad hadn't wanted this at all. This? This was his absolute fear of what could happen to Shin and for two months he had to live with that. Yagami Yamada raised him to protect him from all harm. It…it had only been them for a chunk of time there. Shin…Shin was his baby.

But apparently, Shin wasn't the only one that had been going off the deep end.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hello…is this Yagami Yamada?"

"Yes, this is he."

"Hello, Yagami-san. My name is Colonel Teramoto Ken, I'm calling from the Armed Services. I'm sorry, sir, but I…I'm calling to inform you that Yagami Shin is missing in action. He was completing a supply run and the last tracking of the plane had them over water. At this time, we have not been able to locate a body. I apologize for your loss."

Loss.

Yagami Yamada stood in the hospital where he'd worked since a little after his first son was born, leaning against the counter at the nurse's station. He'd been off for hours, Matsushima commanding that he just 'go home'. Go home to…what? An apology?

His friends told him he damned his son with the name 'Shin' when he was an infant. He haughtily told them his son would do so great at life, they'd be amazed or something. And they were, they called him in droves to tell him his son was a 'hero' or something that was supposed to be nice given he met the same exact fate as his namesake: he was dead.

It crossed his mind for 48 hours after that call to go jump off of a bridge. Izumi Craig, a friend from that time that didn't die, kept calling and saying he was having him trailed to be tranquilized if he even attempted. 'Shin would want you to take care of his mother and siblings'.

How the hell did he know what Shin would want? Everyone always had some convenient psychic link with what the dead would want after they were gone. But what could he say? It sounded good. It sounded like his son. His son…had been a good person up until the end. If nothing else, his Shin…died doing the right thing.

And he tried to go home where his wife still had that misguided faith she had in the last Shin that he would come back, something she had managed to bestow in Koji, a son that should also have no hope in anything, ironically. The rest of his children were like him: facts were facts. Faith was as duplicitous as ever.

If that wasn't enough, Shin's things were still there like he was coming back to them. His car that Yamada proudly bought him because they'd made it. They'd made it out of Wasaba and he could afford to get his son a brand new fancy car. It didn't take any extra concerted effort or skipping meals; he got that for his son because they made it. His son…helped him make it through…only to not make it.

He got mad because all of his children stopped him from trying to remove the memory. Why? Dana and he had done it before, why couldn't they do it again? He got away with the car but Nelly and Koji installed keylocks on the doors to Shin's room…like he wouldn't have knocked those barriers down. Whatever. He didn't…didn't need to be a part of any of it. Right now.

Eventually, he'd have to go back. Reintegrate. He still had five children. A rich amount of children, a majority.

…Why did losing the one feel like his heart had been hollowed out?

Shaking his head, he started to head for the bunkroom. Not tonight, then. Matsushima came up today, glaring, "…I didn't really think you were one to think only one person in your family matters, Yagami. I'm a little disappointed."

They all mattered. But he lost…he lost…his stronghold. Shin David Yagami, with that…that weird middle name Dana insisted they try to implement, was one of the only reasons he was standing here now and…and he was gone?

Yamada frowned when his cell phone suddenly rang. Honestly, he never wanted to answer another phone call again. Taking it out of his pocket, he frowned to find it was Koji. As much as he liked to say Koji was his mother's child, the boy actually did take a little too much after him. He…he knew there was no reasoning with Yamada right now no matter how much everyone wanted to. This was probably the second time he'd called Yamada in a month. A little odd too that it was midnight…

Answering, he murmured, "Hello…?"

"Dad, come quick, something's wrong with mom!"

Koji hung up and Yamada's heart was ringing in every square inch of his body. No. No, he…he could…hover through life like a zombie without Shin.

He lost one of his strongholds. One.

But if he…ever lost her…

Yamada sprinted out of the hospital, leaving some very alarmed nurses in his wake. Scrambling to find his keys, he booted up his car, having not really driven in two weeks, and gunned it out almost recklessly into traffic. No, stop it. Get to her alive, you dumbass.

However, he was definitely speeding, turning his twenty minute commute into ten. Screeching tires as he pulled into the yard, he belted out of the car. That…suspicious side of him that came from growing up in a bad neighborhood couldn't help note that Koji's car was nowhere in sight. That…that might mean she wasn't here either but he needed to survey the situation.

Running into the house, he looked around, panting, "Dana?!"

God, no. No, why did you hate him so much? It was dark downstairs. Running up the steps, he rushed to the master suite. "Dana?!"

When he entered the room, he could barely swallow, finding his wife stretched out rather limply on the bed. No. No. Barreling to her side, he quickly checked her pulse. "Dana? Dana, can you hear me? Dana!"

…Her…her pulse actually sounded really good? The woman's eyes slowly opened after a moment. Staring up at him groggily for a moment, Dana suddenly rapidly shot up. "Yama."

…She looked pretty good and damn alert to him. Staring at her, he bit his lip and closed his eyes, feeling his panic replacing rather quickly with rage. Dana was delighted, "Yama, oh my God, you're home. You're finally home."

"…Yes."

"Wh-What made you come home?" she breathed.

"…Your maybe soon to be dead son." Or at least Koji was getting a crack over the head.

Dana shook her head rapidly. She was…so damn spirited. How? How could she possibly be this…happy? That was a child she carried in her body for nine months. She would come to see Shin by taking beatings from that bastard. She loved her child so how?

Taking his hand, she dragged him downstairs toward the third level. He dragged his heels immediately. The third level was where Shin's rooms were. "Dana, I am leaving. I don't know what Koji meant to pull doing this but I don't have the strength for this."

"Yama-"

"No, Dana."

After…after everything he'd been through, he didn't have anything left to even think about the fact his son was a bloated corpse in some miscellaneous ocean somewhere. He inhaled hard, covering his face as he almost collapsed. He failed…he failed Shin too. He should have tried harder to talk him out of this! How did he watch his best friend die in front of him and let his son go off to be placed in a situation to get himself killed?! Why did he tempt fate?

Shaking hard, he tried to back away, escape. No. He had nothing…nothing left to give. An apology. All he had…was yet another…apology for not being able to save…one of the most important beings in his life…

"Yamada."

Yamada uncovered his face, scorching with pain, and found Dana staring at him with resolution. When they were about to have it all but it was all snatched away, when, because of that Shin, her parents showed up and gave them an ultimatum, she had this same expression. It was the exact same expression as when she told him she needed him to save her, to raise their child, to get all of them back together. What had been in that expression was a faith in him that he to this day couldn't believe. Right now…she was full of faith and he didn't know why.

She grasped his hands gently, kissing him with the same tenderness. He'd…be nothing without her, no matter…not matter what. "Dana…"

"…I promised you I'd carry your faith. And I did. I'm just asking you believe in me for a moment."

Gulping hard, Yamada pursed his lips. Whatever. Whatever in these rooms…needed him to believe, he'd…he'd do it for her, at least. Nodding once, he allowed her to hold his hand and lead him to the door where his son once slept behind. It had been locked for months now.

…However, now there was a dull hum, it sounded like a television. Dana softly knocked for some reason before opening the door.

Nelly was asleep at the end of the bed for some reason, Jill, Tony, and Shaun draped across it as well. He was prepared to give Koji a mouthful but…he wasn't there. There…was someone though, with long hair, brown at the bottom, a faded goldenrod at the top. They had dark, burnt, damaged skin and their arms appeared rather tensed but were pure muscle, no real fat. They were just sitting up, gazing at the television. Who the hell?

Turning their face, Yamada was confused to meet blue eyes that looked as familiar as his own. Who was this?

"…Papa."

…Papa? What? Dana suddenly nudged him forward. No, who the hell was this? Who the hell was this with all of his children sleeping around them that called him 'papa'?

Whoever…whoever it was smiled. "…Sorry, dad. I…I told you I'd come back to you though, right? Better…late than never… right?"

What? What? "Yama" Dana glowered, "It's Shin. It's our son."

He pulled back, rapidly shaking his head. Impossible. They'd been had. That wasn't his son. Nothing in this universe would grace him with his son showing up not in a body bag after almost three months of being MIA. That's what they told him: he was missing. A casualty. His son was somewhere at the bottom of an ocean, there was no way he was now sitting back in his bed.

Dana groaned. Loudly. "You are an emotional tsunami. Nelly? Tony? Jill? Shaun?"

The four children stirred after a few moments, sitting up. They'd been tricked. Tricked by sentiment. Dana tipped her head, drawling, "Let's give your father and brother a moment, please."

What brother? What son? Balling his fists, he was prepared to tell Dana to stop dreaming. Instead, he was met with a mild slap against the jaw.

Jarred, he yelped, looking down at his wife who looked…annoyed. "…Pull it together. You're supposed to trust me."

The four youngers looked a little startled as Dana herded them out of the room, closing the door behind her. What…? "…Sorry, I must look really weird. I don't think blond works on me, actually."

Yamada looked to the bed again before pushing himself to go over. It just…it simply couldn't be. Not…not after he allowed almost seventy people to die. Not after his best friend Shin was shot twelve times then died in front of him. Not…not after everything was he…he given a mercy in the war of life and death.

Blood was rushing to his head as he tried to…grasp this. He was slipping because he didn't…he couldn't believe…choking on air, he enveloped what was a ghost not ten minutes ago in his arms and sobbed, "W-Where in the hell have you been?"

"It's…it's a long story, papa…"

Yamada was going to suffocate. Slamming down on the bed after letting Shin go, he gripped his sides, heaving and rocking. It couldn't be. He was dreaming. He'd wake up somewhere and this would be a dream; a fantasy. That's all he ever deserved before.

"…I'm so sorry, dad. I'm so sorry."

In Wasaba, tears…were a sign of weakness. He couldn't fight it though. Sometimes, he just gave in but it'd been a long time. He couldn't stop the pain escaping him right now as he wept. It worked out? Did it actually for once work out?

Sucking on air, he swiped at his face, his chest shuddering. Oh God. Oh God. "Shin—Shin. Y-Your colonel, he called me, h-he said that you…you had gone down into the water and they-they couldn't find you. They considered you a casualty."

Shin appeared to be dragging himself to sit next to him, cringing as his knees bent. "…It was a routine supply run. We were about an hour or two from our location when…when this missile came up and ripped the front of the plane apart and killed our lieutenant. The pilot, he managed to get the plane almost landed before the Zechs took him out too. The platoon, we fought and…and took care of all of the Zechs that had crashed us but our tracking signal went out. We weren't on the ocean, we were in the middle of the desert."

…The desert. "What…what happened? They found you?" Yamada quivered.

"…Not exactly. We…we were sitting ducks in that location so I tracked that there was an old army base about 350 miles from where we were. Old bases are supposed to have a hotline maintained, even if they're abandoned. My friend, she talked me into waiting ten days in the case that they came to rescue us. In that time, we were attacked twice by the Zechs and had out numbers cut in half. I knew…I knew I had to try so my friend Komari and I, we…we trekked out into the desert to get to the base."

"Damn it, Shin."

"Come on, dad, hear me out" he mumbled.

Right…right. Whatever it was, it clearly had a happy ending. "I'm sorry, you're right. Go on."

"So, we…we walked and walked. Along the way, we found these…these little dark metal huts. They were keeping Terrans inside of them to torture. It was…it was 120 degrees outside, it had to have been even worse in those things. But, we made it to the base. The Zechs…had cut the lines. We got ambushed by a small group there but we were able to subdue and utilize the truck they had. We walked for some hundred miles before…before Komari, she got shot trying to protect me."

"Oh, Shin…"

"Just…in the leg though. I-I did everything you taught me" he suddenly shuddered, "O-Or I did the best I could-"

God. Hugging his apparently constant miracle, Yamada whispered, "It's okay. What happened?"

"I-I drove us in their truck then their dune buggy and when…when both of them were out of gas, I-I carried Komari against my chest because I-I wasn't going to leave her. I-I walked for…for hundreds and hundreds of miles, until my boots were full of blood—we kept finding those damn camps too. By…by the sixtieth or so day, we were down to-to one water bottle, no food, and the sun—God, the sun, it was…it was killing us. I didn't…didn't notice that we had managed to run up right next to a Zechs building. They…they shot at us and-and I got shot in the legs. Three in each—I got shot in the shoulder twice earlier."

…Twelve gun shots. Yamada gazed in amazement as Shin trembled in his arms. His son…also got shot twelve times. Instead though… "…I don't even know what it was, dad. Maybe that fortune you drew. But out of nowhere—like, literal nowhere, my colonel landed. They were just doing a retrieval mission. They saved us. We-we went back to the camp, everyone but three people had been killed. Papa, out…out of a hundred people, only five of us survived and I was one of them. One of five."

…A statistical impossibility. Holding his first born, his baby, Yamada didn't…didn't even know how to believe this. Could he…? Kissing the top of Shin's head, he squeezed his eyes shut, the burning indicating he was about to start crying again. "…I'll take it, Shin. I'll take it. Your…your friend? She made it though?"

"…She lost the leg. They said the damage was too severe."

"But…not her life?"

"No. But you…you don't understand, she lost that leg because of me. She now has to go through life just-just imbalanced."

…Hmm. "…Don't you fret over that, all right? Was it the whole leg?"

"N-No, just the lower, but-"

"That means whatever you did kept the infection from spreading. Infection that could have gone straight to her brain over the amount of time she wasn't treated at a hospital and killed her. You did what you told me you were out there to do: you helped her."

Shin looked startled as Yamada pet his hair back. He looked…so grizzled and worn. He looked like he'd seen years of suffering…or inflicted it. Yamada smiled for the first time in months. That didn't matter.

"Let me see these gunshots."

"Oh, dad…"

Yamada grunted, "Now. I don't trust a military hospital wouldn't allow your legs to fall off."

Sulky, Shin stretched out on his stomach as Yamada undid the taping. It looked a few hours old per the bleeding. "…Your mom do this?"

"Mm, she's been very diligently packing and treating the wounds all day."

…All day? Yamada stared up briefly. Wait a minute. "…Well, c'mon, I'm going to take you to the hospital so I can close these up and get you treated with antibiotics. Leaving them open like this will only leave you more open to infection."

"Oh…yea, I missed a part, dad. I…actually can't do that."

"Stop fooling around, Shin. C'mon, I'll help you."

"Damn, pop, will you just listen for a second?"

Yamada glared sharply back as Yagami Koji entered the room, holding three beers. "Well, hello, Mr. 'Something's Wrong With Mom'. Was that before or after your beer run?"

Shin groaned, looking to Koji. "…I'm tired of explaining, Koji, and you put it pretty…efficiently."

What? "Sure thing. Dad, Shin found some shit in the desert that lets the army get a one up on those Zechs' bastards. They are, alas, unaware that our army knows about these locations because Shin was apparently very efficient at what he does. For whatever reason, they fear the Zechs will correlate Shin mysteriously not being dead with infiltrating their camps and perhaps move them. Thus, they have requested Shin and the other four come home and remain dead to the general population until they can move in."

"…I'm sorry, what?" Yamada blinked rapidly.

"The reason we did not call and report to you immediately that Shin was alive is because we are not allowed to communicate over any airways that Shin is alive. He cannot leave this home until the army tells him they have completed the mission and he is, essentially, still an active duty soldier right now" Koji nodded.

"…How long were you in the hospital after that, Shin?" Yamada said lowly.

"…Um, three days."

But still all the corruption. "You…were out in the elements, starving, injured, and dehydrated for sixty plus days with six open bullet wounds…and they sent you home…after three days and tell you you can't go anywhere for…estimated how long?"

"…Three months."

Great. Now to go fight the whole army. Yamada managed to hide his ticking jaw as he kneaded his temples, "…All right. All right. I…guess I will treat the trauma here."

"I can go rob a medical store for stuff if it helps" Koji offered rather casually.

Yamada turned to look at him, often wondering…what exactly went through this boy's head sometimes because what? "…No. I…think I can manage the medical supply portion without you breaking the law but thanks for your willingness."

Shin looked…absolutely drained. Probably because his body was still trying to fight everything it just went through. And…possibly because of those other parts he didn't tell him. Stroking his hair back, Yamada murmured, "…Your mama kept telling me not to give up on you, Shin. She's…she's so good at that, that not giving up. Even after all these years, she's…she's still having to convince me and she's pretty much always right. I…I'm so happy. I-I can't believe it, but I'm just-just so happy…"

"…Me too, papa. I…I hope I don't disappoint you."

…Eh? Shin looked dazed. Yamada frowned. He…typically always thought of physical trauma first but three days…he got not one lick of mental help either.

…One fight at a time. When he showed up to this house, in Yamada's head his firstborn, his baby that he held in his arms every night when he was a newborn, was a corpse. Now, he…he had his miracle back.

And just maybe a little faith too.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"…Papa. DAD. You are—you are definitely ignoring how this was supposed to work."

Shin was so tired when Nelly and Koji helped him up the steps. Alas, his siblings wanted to stay by him and ended up falling asleep. Because of that, he…he couldn't. No, not…not without them being protected. Koji was also not keeping with how this work, he mysteriously said 'be right back' and left. So, struggling, Shin stayed awake.

About fifteen minutes later though? Yagami Yamada walked through the door.

Everyone else had recognized him instantly. His dad though? He reacted mentally. Who is this crazy looking guy in my son's bed? His dad had him dead and gone and anything that countered that, that…was probably a trick.

His mom whacked the man a bit, telling him essentially to snap out of it but if only it were that easy. He'd have her slap him too. Somehow though, his dad did come over, confirming…before just breaking down. God, he…he probably almost killed his dad.

Shin felt a little more comfortable getting into more detail with his dad and Koji. Maybe because they seemed less…affected somehow, or at least knew where he was coming from. Somewhat. He didn't get gritty though, he…he didn't want to tell his dad there were a couple days where he exploded someone's brain all over his uniform.

His dad left after a little bit, Koji relaxing on a mattress he dragged in. While Shin was half-possessed to be concerned about Koji too, he just…felt a little better if it was him there. But, well, he suspected his dad might want to stay too when he got back from wherever he went.

And wherever he went was the hospital to apparently bring MATSUSHIMA, his BOSS and a NON-RELATIVE, back to the house. Shin fucked up…in his first 24 hours.

Matsushima stared at him, carrying a huge box as was his father who kept exiting and returning with more stuff. "…Far be it from me to over compliment but you all are made of some spectacular stuff."

"Only the best" Koji yawned.

Yea, great, still, cover blown. Matsushima scoffed as he started to unpack whatever they had. "Son, if you went into the desert, leaving us to think you were dead so your dad could act like a borderline psychopath but came back and needed us to help you complete your mission, I wouldn't tell a soul even if it was to save my own mother."

"…I mean, I'd…make some considerations THERE, Matsushima, damn" Shin echoed, a little alarmed.

Yamada came in, rushing, "C'mon, Matsushima, these wounds have been open way too long."

Shin groaned as he was hedged to lie on his stomach after they draped the bed in clean linen, isolating the wounds with some kind of plastic. Matsushima gripped his finger with the pulse ox and pressed a stethoscope to his arm to check his blood pressure. He gazed off for a moment before slowly pulling away…then retaking it. "…Yagami."

Yamada walked up, taking his stethoscope off, and repeated the process as well…before groaning loudly, burying his face in his hands. "This is ridiculous!"

What?! Matsushima just sighed. "Let's just do what we can, Yagami…"

"He needs to be in a hospital with machines I can use to check him over. Here, he might as well be in hospice!"

"Drama queen" Matsushima droned, going back to their supplies, "Shin, your blood pressure is…scary low right now, son. I'm going to go out on a limb and diagnose septicemia, dehydration, and blood loss. Unless your father has something dramatic he wants to add."

"He could die" Yamada hissed.

"Well, there you go."

Shin found himself smirking. These two together were always kind of funny. "…I didn't have a transfusion at the hospital, to my recollection. I have discharge papers in my bag. Koji?"

His younger brother went to his things, rummaging, before coming out with a stack of paper. Handing it to their dad, the man's light blue eyes darkened like storm clouds. Uh… "…So they…just sedated you for several days and removed the bullets…and hydrated."

Oops. Matsushima flipped through the records, whistling, "…Well, my diagnosis isn't 'death' like your father but it definitely wouldn't have been 'send his ass home' with these lab results."

Yamada was looking right…pissed right now. Matsushima shook his head, "…Let's get a transfusion going and fluids with a Claforan bag. We'll sew up these holes in his legs unless we see infection and then put him on a mild sedative and some oxygen for the night. Fair?"

"…Fair."

Shin was a little concerned now. As far as he knew, Komari didn't have a doctor at home. Of course, it sounded like that one doctor had total control and was negligent with him because of Kasumi. He wondered…if that little nurse had helped the best she could. She definitely took a risk for him to see Komari. Biting his lip as his dad injected the line into his forearm, he whispered, "…Do…do either of you know what would happen to a nurse that was rightfully going against the doctor's orders in the army?"

"Nothing good, I can tell you that" Matsushima said absently, drawing something into a syringe.

…Damn. Felt like…he was screwing a lot of people over lately.

"Has our house really always been this fucking boring?"

Shin opened his eyes, finding Yagami Koji sitting in a chair in front of his television, flipping channels. "…Maybe you're just spoiled."

"Oh, sorry, man, I wasn't trying to wake you."

Shaking his head, he stared up at the intravenous fluids dripping into his body slowly. Honestly, because of the anesthesia Matsushima gave him last night and apparently oxygen he hadn't been aware he lacked, he slept like a baby. He…was really hoping Komari was okay.

"I wasn't sleeping too heavy…" he mumbled, "…I'm surprised dad's not in here."

As he suspected, his dad actually curled up into bed with him after he and Matsushima finished. He would have worried more if he wasn't almost in a coma. Alas, he…supposed his dad wouldn't be too threatened by him, maybe.

"Oh, he and mama were all giddy a couple hours ago. I had to remind them you're 'dead' but I'm pretty sure they're going to celebrate amongst themselves."

" 'Celebrate amongst themselves'? The hell does that…"

… "Eww?"

Koji smirked dryly, "I think they went for a walk, perv. Though, given dad's been AWOL for three months, that might be on the agenda too."

Sulking, Shin sat up and glanced at his old alarm clock. 11…"So the kids went to school?"

"Yea, Nelly went back early this morning too."

"…This is probably going to be the weirdest question I can potentially have given my absence. There's probably more…pertinent things, just…what is the deal with the shaggy hair?"

Jill kind of had it, Tony kind of had it, but Shaun? Shaun had some crazy bangs and it seemed weirdly deliberate. His brother snickered, stopping on a random Japanese sitcom, "Yea, that's a…tough one to explain. It's slowly becoming the rage right now."

"…Shaggy hair?"

"Emo."

Emo? "…Emu?"

"Emo."

…Okay. Koji kicked his way around to turn to him, "It's…a movement kind of like grunge, I guess? They have emo bands and this specific emo style."

"…What are the bands?"

"Oh, it's devasting, I can't stand it" Koji nodded. "They got like…Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World—"

"Jimmy does what?"

"Some of Blink-182's stuff kind of falls in there. I can stand them but ma-a-an, I cannot stand it."

…Emo. Koji's eyes brightened, "Oh! Chris Cornell came back."

Oh! "So Soundgarden got back together?" Shin said, excited.

"Uh, no. Audioslave."

…What? "It's…basically just Chris Cornell with Rage Against the Machine. But! I got the album, I think you'll like it. Probably…not as much as Soundgarden but it's good."

… "…Okay."

"Foo Fighters are still going strong, Dave Grohl has some hits there."

…Hadn't really been Shin's cup of tea but he was happy for the former drummer of Nirvana for not losing momentum. "…Cool."

"Maynard, the lead singer of Tool, he has a side project—it's called A Perfect Circle, it's kind of neat."

…A Perfect…Circle. "Um, The Smashing Pumpkins broke up in 2000…still broken up. Uh…STP isn't doing too good either. And…uh, the lead singer of Alice in Chains, he…kind of died."

"Koji" Shin said plainly.

"And there's this group called Nickelback…"

"Koji. I'm going to need you to stop because I don't know how but you just managed to depress me even more than I already am."

"Yea, it…honestly sounded better than what it actually is when it was in my head" Koji admitted, wide-eyed.

Squeezing the bridge of his nose, he mumbled, "…You heard of Breaking Benjamin?"

"I'm surprised you've heard of them."

Shin got up, grabbing the IV stand to drag with him to use the restroom. "Yea…apparently it was in some Zechs' bastard that I killed collection. I listened to it while I was racing through the desert in their vehicle."

Koji stared pensively. "…Is everything you say now going to be slightly grim and dark?"

"Yes."

God. Even though they probably shouldn't have, they at least let him bathe at the military hospital. He was forbidden until his wounds healed more here. After relieving himself, he rinsed his face, staring into the mirror. Still…wasn't sure what he was seeing.

"Shin, I know how trauma works, especially in our family but…just know, I'm here to talk to if you need to" Koji offered when he returned, "I probably won't cure your depression but, y'know, I'd rather know where you're at than be in the dark trying to figure it out."

"…Thanks."

Koji smirked, probably because he knew he was going to be a hardass about it. No, he…just didn't want to think about it and he definitely didn't want to put that on Koji, of all people. Not…not when Shin couldn't provide the same for him.

"Yo-o-o, let me go get a pizza from Ruby's and some milkshakes. We haven't gone in like a year" Koji suddenly seemed inspired.

"Sure, I am…hungry." He…had had to teach himself not to listen to that hunger so now it was…a little hard to assess what comfortable pangs were.

Nodding, Koji advised he should sit downstairs. Maybe. He…wouldn't really mind lying in bed for three months either. Alas, his younger brother helped him downstairs to the couch before going out the door. Koji was going to struggle with this, he'd never been a homebody…

Using the IV stand once more as a brace, he wandered to the deck door to stare out. He looked at the blue sky as it warped from azure to lavender, warping, waving, pulling him in. It was strange how that invitation to death was slightly comforting.

"Shin! You're not supposed to be moving!"

Oh boy. Shin looked to the side where his dad marched over, looking peeved. Jeez. "…That might be a little difficult for me, dad."

"It's not a suggestion, Shin. Those wounds bust open, we're back at square one."

Meh. His mama smiled, handing him…ah! "Is that cereal, mommy?"

"I wanted to make sure you had a little bit of your favorite thing, Sweetie Plum."

God, don't…don't let him hurt his mama. She kissed his cheek, tilting her head, "Just stretch out and eat a bowl of cereal so your dad doesn't have a stroke."

Shin chuckled as Yamada sulked, nodding and easing himself back over to the couch. It was so soft. While he was in his coma-like sleep, it struck him that his mattress? It was so soft. The couch too. It was so…comfortable compared to the dusty ground.

Sometimes the sand got in the sleeping bag if he even managed to sleep in the thing. It was gritty, biting, hot. It kept him alive because it was one of many reasons he couldn't rest. Now, he…was supposed to be able to rest…on these soft fucking couches and beds…

"Shin, are you okay?"

Jumping, rattled back, he smiled at his mother who posed the question. Or he tried. "A-Ah, what do you mean?"

"Well, your expression…never mind. You must be hungry" Dana nodded.

"Oh, Koji went to get a pizza from that place we went as kids."

His dad sat beside him, pursing his lips, "…You need proteins to help heal the wounds, Shin. Plus, per your results, your body is depleted of a lot of key nutrients you're not going to get out of pizza or Cinnamon Toast Crunch."

"Will you stop being a nag?" Dana snorted, swatting at her husband, "I will cook a protein packed dinner for Shin. I think pizza with probably the ungodly amount of meat Koji likes to get will be fine for lunch."

"Fine."

Shin smiled thankfully at his mom as she patted his head before departing, his dad looking grouchy. "…So you guys just intend to make me feel like a petty worrywart."

With a soft laugh, Shin shook his head, "Someone has to worry, dad."

Yamada's eyes quirked, drawling, "Well, I'm…I'm good at that."

Tapping his thigh, his dad cleared his throat, "…Once this is over, you should call Ayame. She's in shambles."

Grimacing, Shin nodded slowly, "…I can imagine. I…I'm sure I've worried all of you immensely."

Yamada shook his head, "…I'd be lying if I said I'm a hundred percent believing I'm sitting here next to you right now, son. I just…can't believe in miracles like that."

"I'm sure it's difficult to after what happened to Yaya's brother" Shin mumbled, leaning back and blinking away his demons.

His dad leaned over and folded his hands, tapping his thumbs against his chin. The man seemed to be musing before shaking his head again slowly, "…Honestly? I'm more mystified now. That Shin…got murdered by his own acts in a concrete jungle. He got…absolutely nowhere in life. At all. Didn't even want to, created all of his obstacles, all of his enemies. But my son also throws himself into danger and lives after almost three months in an actual wilderness with hundreds of enemies."

"I wasn't alone."

"…Yea. Guess that is my fault."

Shin's eyes widened as his father looked a little forlorn. Oh. Oh no. "I-I mean, dad, God, you had no reason to stand by that guy—he would have gotten you killed. Mom needed you—we needed you. A-And, y'know, Komari did…did crack on me a few times."

…Though she…never didn't have his back until she was solid out of bullets to do so. But still, that…Yamada nodded, "Well…I probably would have cracked more than a few times, Shin. That temperature? Walking across solid sand with nothing to eat and trying to ration water? You…did something immense."

"…Maybe."

Yamada stretched, sitting back, "…Anyway, as much as I would love to just take a year off to be with you after this, Shin, there is…no possible way that wouldn't raise every red flag in the universe to the hospital staff."

Snickering, Shin shook his head, "You're raising like ten just taking off today, papa. I bet you booked it out of there when Koji called with that mama spiel."

"Yea. That brother of yours…" Yamada droned, "Just a wildcard. He knew exactly how to get me here. He'll have to try harder next time though."

"I accept that challenge."

Shin looked up as Koji appeared, carrying two boxes of pizza and a tray of drinks. With a snort, Shin shook his head, "Hopefully there is no 'next time'. I don't think I can go for 'Round 2' on ultimate survivor."

Koji set the boxes on the table, going back to the kitchen. Their mother came in with plates and started doling out pieces, humming. "Joe-chan called us last month to issue his condolences. And I believe…Aden did as well? And Sonja. And one young man I never met. Louis?"

Yamada nodded, "Yes, it got around to Wasaba and I guess it somehow got to Roller's daughter. She sent us a card."

…Oh wow, Nesha too? But what about…

Koji returned, sitting on the recliner before handing over a newspaper. Eh? Shin looked at the paper, folded open to 'local news'. Uncertain when the last time he looked at a newspaper, he…was something to see himself looking back. Yagami Shin (21) of Subami was declared missing in action by the Armed Forces after a routine supply mission did not arrive at Idra Base. At this time, crash debris have not been located and is suspected to have gone down into the Mediterranean Sea.

…Wow. Yamada leered, taking it from him, "This is moot now."

"It's…something" Shin murmured, taking a plate as his mom handed it to him. "Did…"

… "Did what?" Koji questioned, nodding in thanks as their mom handed him a plate next.

"…Nothing."

…Did…did she…call? Or…or was the music he grew up with not the only thing that had faded away?

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"Nii-san…"

Day…Day 4. He was counting down at home now too, huh?

Yagami Shin looked up, stretched out in his mother's fabric room. When Shaun reached school age, their mother started to take small orders and worked out of this room until she secured a store front for her business, Yagada. It had mostly gone untouched for years, this room, but he noticed that she was still…here. He'd wandered by, still rebelling against his dad's decree to 'stay still' and had to ask why she didn't go back to Yagada now. He…was back. The woman just smiled.

"I told my workers I wasn't coming back until my baby came back. You're not back yet."

Damn it, he was holding her down to keep up this mission. He felt…awful so he would sit with her. She listened to David Bowie which was nice, he seemed to recall his dad would play these albums…maybe that music reminded him of her when she was forced away. It…it sure took him back which was a bit comforting since…literally nothing else was.

Today, Day 4, however, his adorable not so little sister peeked into the room. He looked to her and smiled as much as he could, "Hello, imoto. How was school?"

"Oh, it was good" she assured, standing fully in the doorway.

He noted she seemed to want to…ask him something which may or may not have been a good thing. "That's good. What's the matter though? Seems like something is on your mind."

"Well…" she drawled, rubbing her arm, "…Sort of."

Shin raised a brow as she seemed to be…reluctant. "Well, you can tell me."

Their mom was working around the dress form, suddenly smirking in Jill's direction. Oh, she knew? Jill pouted, "Nii-san, can I fix your hair?"

…Fix his hair. He stared. "…How…so?"

"W-Well, I'm not skilled enough to cut it or anything!"

Thank God. He…he couldn't have anyone come near him with any sharp instruments right now. He'd attempt to trim it himself but… Jill pouted, "You have weird blond patches and, no offense, you're a weird blond."

Oh really? He stuck out his tongue, "Sorry I'm not as pretty as you, Tony, and dad."

"That's not it either! It's just not…consistent."

Frankly, it was a bit weird and had only gotten weirder with his new growth. One chunk of brown at the bottom, one chunk of blond in the center, and then his roots were coming in brown again. His hair looked like a bumblebee. "Well, I wouldn't mind but I dunno how you'd fix it, Jilly…"

"I can do it!" she said confidently.

"Jill is our local hair colorist" Dana droned, sticking a pin in the sleeve of the cream colored gown.

Looking at her watch, she nodded, "Shaun wanted me to bleach and color some of his hair blue so I'll get some color for you while I'm there. Be right back!"

Shin stared after her, blank. "…Blue, huh?"

Dana sighed, leaning over to pull the hem, standing back to look over her work. "As with most of you all's trends, I don't get it but more power to ya'…"

With a snicker, Shin leaned back and closed his eyes.

Still don't know what I was waiting for and my time was running wild, a million dead-end streets. And
every time I thought I'd got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet. So, I turned myself to face me but I've never caught a glimpse of how the others must see the faker; I'm much too fast to take that test.

Ch-ch-changes…Turn and face the strange…Ch-ch-changes…Don't want to be a richer man. Ch-ch-changes…Turn and face the strange…Ch-ch-changes…Just gonna have to be a different man.

How, David? Time may change me; But I can't trace time.

A rack of cloth fell. Clack. Cloth was heavy, it could hit the ground hard. Not like a gunshot in any way. Except he was standing in an opening between two buildings, looking at a group of ghosts beckoning him with four gunshots in his arm and through his neck, the universe flickering like someone kept flipping the light on and off.

"You good, Shin?"

Shin? Like the violet fade, the streets of the Terran village melted back into the work room of his mother who was casually picking up the fallen roll. Koji was leaning against the doorway, holding a textbook. Staring at his brother, Shin drawled, "…Yea. Um, I'll be back in a bit, mama."

"Oh, go relax, Sweetie Plum! I know it's boring in here."

"Not at all" he smiled…maybe, "It's very calm here."

It's his mind that wasn't. A…a change, one he very well might not be able to trace back.

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Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner; Sometimes I feel like my only friend is the city I live in, the city of angels. Lonely as I am, together we cry…

"How is this less depressing than emo?"

Shin opened his eyes, Yagami Jill painting brown across the whole of his hair as they sat in her room. Shaun had bleach processing in his bangs, looking at a manga and having posed this question, and Koji was sitting at Jill's desk, doing homework. The brooding fellow drawled, "Because we weren't fucking gleeful about it."

"Neither are we" Shaun pouted, looking up with narrow eyes.

"You all literally made me listen to a song called 'Cute Without the E' which supposedly somehow leads to 'Cut from the Team' and I haven't forgiven you yet" Koji snorted, "Cutting. What a thing to glorify."

Cutting? Jill snickered, "It isn't that bad a song, nii-san."

"I raised you better than that."

Shin laughed softly, looking up and around. Jill had some random posters of bands like 'Yellowcard' or something and 'Simple Plan' because, okay, but there were some surprising inclusions like 'Korn' and 'System of a Down'. "I don't know, Koji, definitely looks like you had some influence so I'd think you'd be a little proud."

"I'd be proud if my precious imoto listened to anything her heart desired" Koji assured, flipping the page in his book.

Jill smirked widely, putting a weird plastic cap on Shin's head, "Cute, nii-san, but you know you're more okay that I listen to at least some of your music."

"No…" Koji drawled, rubbing his temple, "It's annoying as all fuck, these emo bands, but I'd rather you all come up with your own tastes and whatnot. We didn't have mom and dad policing our musical habits."

Very true… "C'mon, Shaun, let's rinse out this bleach."

Shaun nodded, setting the manga down and going to her bathroom, the shower coming on. Yawning, Shin blinked languidly as the Red Hot Chili Peppers serenaded him with songs from 1992, when he was eleven and not a murderous monster that just hung around in his bedroom, listening to albums just like this…just…only with her.

"…Koji."

"Hmm?"

"…Did…Did…"

…Ugh. Koji looked to him with a raised brow. Ugh. "S-So, Nesha…Nesha apparently sent a condolence letter, right?"

"She did. It was very considerate. You must have left a lasting impression on her."

Somehow. He only spent three months with her, really. If…three months got him a condolence letter from an almost purely sexual partner though…

Koji looked up, wide-eyed, before grimacing. What? "…Uh…how mentally stable are you to get some bad news that doesn't really relate to us but might make you sad?"

What? Shin's face scrunched, "…That's not an easy assessment to make, Koji. But I'm pretty unstable right now, what's one more instability? Tell me."

His brother shook his head, murmuring, "Apparently Naomi's brother, Mako, he got killed in an air raid in July."

Shin stared at Koji who just continued to write while he…

Covering his mouth, breathing in hard, Shin felt his eyes burn. No, no, no. "…Did…Are they sure?"

"Yea…unlike you, they…they had a body and everything. He is, for certain, deceased."

"Oh God" Shin rasped.

Mako was communications. Communications. If anyone should be dead right now, it was Komari and him, not Mako. God, did Komari know? Now…now they'd…they'd never sit down and…and hash out all that nonsense. It was over. That…

Honestly feeling like crying, Shin shook his head, "H-How is Naomi?"

"Destroyed. She left Saitama and went back to Tadaoka and I haven't really heard from her since" Koji replied, "I mean, I…had faith in you coming back but I can't say I was a hundred percent in a place to comfort her either. I think she had a better circle back in her hometown."

He…he told her to have faith. It didn't work.

"She was destroyed too."

Still shaken, dismayed by this news that simply just wasn't fair to any conditions he expected from life, Shin looked up. Koji was just…steady completing his goals, something Mako now would never see. "What?"

"She saw that article in the paper at school and rushed back to her house. Apparently she saw the news program too and she broke down entirely."

While on the tip of his tongue to say 'who?', he…had a creeping realization. "…Did…did she come over?"

"Mm. She stayed for a few days before she just left in a fog. I checked on her from afar, she just went back to school. From what I've heard, she refuses to return home now."

…Okay. "I…I guess that's good so I don't…don't run into her and blow this" he said quietly.

Before Koji could respond, Jill and Shaun returned, the latter's hair damp with the lower section just bleach blond. Shin was still…in agony but he definitely found himself looking at this strange phenomenon. "…You're not a cute blond either."

"I'd look crazy blond" Shaun said in agreement.

"You two" Jill giggled, grabbing some container of what just looked like a jar of cobalt blue.

Jill with gloved hands teased the stuff into Shaun's hair as he continued his manga before also placing a plastic cap on his head. Coming to him, she helped him up…but oh no, wait. "U-Uh, let me rinse it out real fast, Jill."

"Eh? But nii-san-"

"Jill."

The young woman looked back at Koji who didn't say anymore, just shaking his head. Oh, were they aware of his craziness that might have him snap on her if she was mildly dipping his head under water? Apparently, as she simply nodded, handing him a bottle of shampoo and advising him how to wash it. Okay…

It was a struggle, his legs did not care about glamour and he was already kind of pressing it with them lately. However, he managed to stand there and get it out, watching the water run dark before becoming red, the way the wounds he washed of his and Komari's would, because, as he suspected, he was a psycho.

Using a towel, he roughly scrubbed his head of the lingering wetness before catching the mirror out of the corner of his eye and pausing.

…Aside from the fact that he never kept his hair quite this long, that definitely looked more like him with the consistent coloring. His skin had started to peel but with the aloe vera, he was looking less burnt and more tanned. His reflection wasn't…completely foreign now.

Why…why didn't he feel any better then?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Shin was back in the base. It was rare, he held no…real contempt in those memories, no real suffering. He thought anyway.

He was lying on the cot during that isolated period they tried in order to break him. He wrote, he read, he napped—it was boring but his psyche was unaffected. He had people to get back to. His loneliness wouldn't last forever.

Then Kitamura appeared, opening the door, sauntering in, charred and with a bullet hole in his head. Shin stared at him, his pulse in his throat as Kitamura just stared at him languidly.

"…Yagami, why did you live? You. Why you?"

Shin didn't know what to say, only that he often heard the lyrics of Alive in his head. 'Do I deserve to be?'. He sat up, staring at Kitamura some more. "…I was lucky, Kitamura."

"Lucky? Lucky!" Kitamura spat, his lips taut and wrinkled, "Lucky is finding a gold piece on the ground. You. Why you?"

"…I can't answer that. If…that's the question, I can't be the one to answer it."

"Despicable. Over a hundred people died and you…YOU, some 'lucky' bastard get to sit at home with your family in your comfy mansion while the rest of us were murdered, slaughtered—left for dead. 95%, Yagami! You had a better chance of being struck by lightning than getting out of that desert alive! Why not ME? Why not Fumo? Or Ueda?"

"I don't know, Kitamura" Shin hissed, shaking. "All I know is I'm doing better than you."

"Are you really?"

"No."

No. There was no way he deserved to be sitting here more than anyone else in his unit—he most certainly didn't deserve to be sitting here versus Mako. He couldn't even ask. Maybe Joe or Aden or Sonja were dead now on some bullshit mission. Meanwhile, he managed to survive a desert for two months to sit here in his giant cozy bed with his body intact. He didn't even get dismembered like Komari did, he didn't get everlasting scars like that! He got out alive with some bullet holes. They could have shot him in the back of the head, his body could have shut down entirely due to lack of water, he could have died of exhaustion—

But here he was, sleeping at home, comfortable. Comfortable.

"Shin."

Shin's eyes snapped open, picking up a cup off his nightstand and shattering it. Heaving, he held a piece of glass, ready to still fight for this life he was needlessly allowed to maintain, and glared around sharply.

Koji. He was sitting up on the bed he'd set up in the corner, his dark eyes somehow aglow in the twilight, half closed and just disturbingly unbothered. Shin stared back before swallowing, setting the glass down. One terrible reason Koji was the right person for the job: he was shellshocked without reason and that ultimately made him entirely more unpredictable in his reactions.

This time, his brother stood up, flipping on the lights…and handed him a blunt. Yep. Mr. Unpredictable. "Smoke that. You're talking in your sleep. Whoever Kitamura is, he's chased you the last two weeks. Put him to rest."

Two weeks. Shin miserably took the lighter from Koji, lighting up the joint and taking a puff as Koji absently picked up the glass. Put him to rest. It'd…it'd be nice. "…I'm not going to make it, Koji. It's getting worse. I'm—I'm getting more flashbacks as time keeps going. I just…I just need to take those pills and keep myself numb. If…if it goes on like this, I'm going to hurt someone. I don't want to hurt any of you."

Koji yawned, dropping the glass into a trashcan in the edge of the room before going back to settle in the bed. "You can talk to me, Shin."

"The fuck is talking going to do?" he hissed, holding the smoldering drug between his fingers, "Talking. I can tell you things but is that some magic spell to undo it? To undo what I've done and what's come to pass for me? No. Talking is bullshit."

"It is. Unfortunately, it's all we have as humans."

Shin grimaced at that. Yes…very unfortunate. "I appreciate your offer, Koji, but it won't help—I didn't deserve to live and there's no answering why I did."

Resting on his side, propped up on his elbow, Koji gazed at him sleepily, "Is this some Pearl Jam quoting shit? Maybe you need to start listening to Coldplay."

"I'm serious, Koji."

"Me too" Koji murmured, his eyes closing, "You can ask that question all day…and Pearl Jam is right, who can answer that? No one. Why did dad make it out of Wasaba when others were killed? Why did mom gain success when so many others have failed following the exact same path? How were we able to get out of a fucking yakuza's house? They all might have reasons but there's no answer."

… "…I wish that made it better, Koji. There are…reasons and answers for why I don't deserve it" Shin whispered, the smoke billowing in the night like a spirit escaping him.

"Nah, you have reasons why you're struggling to live with that weight right now. You have thoughts on why you shouldn't be…but it's the weed if you think you know."

Koji ended up dozing off, probably still in a half sleep because he had neither reasons nor answers in life. Koji just wasn't comfortable to complain to for those reasons but…he wasn't wrong.

Setting the joint in the ashtray, feeling that daze starting to set in that would ease him into an easier slumber, Shin relaxed into his bed.

….No, he wasn't wrong. If Shin had answers, he might not like them and they may be hard to accept but he couldn't argue if it was for a purpose. He had no answers for why he lived, mostly unscathed, when so many died in the same battle. After all he'd had to do, all he'd had to stake…he just…wanted someone to answer the question: why was he alive right now? This hollow of a man whose reflection looked like someone he once knew.

Shin briefly opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling.

Yagami Shin would have never strangled someone to death. Yagami Shin would have never cut someone's throat. Yagami Shin would have been paralyzed after murdering the amount of people he did but he never even wavered. Yagami Shin would have never left those families, those babies, to boil in a black cage when he could have at least tried. Yagami Shin would have never just buried bodies like he was planting trees. Yagami Shin…would have been terrified by that person in the desert.

That was it. Kitamura was wrong.

…He had died out there.

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End Notes:

If you don't know, hospice is basically care for when you have a disease that isn't expected to allow you to live freely or long.

'STP' stands for Stone Temple Pilots, another 90s grunge band with yet another dead lead singer…man, rough.

So what's actually really funny (to me) here is that, when I was writing the super early version of these characters, Koji, Nelly, and Shin were closer to my age so, thus, they listened to that early emo and were a part of that scene (Yellowcard, Dashboard Confessional—I remember even having scenes where Popuri and Koji would go on dates listening to The Taste of Ink by The Used). HOWEVER, when I rehashed the scene for the series I released online, Koji, Nelly, and Shin were made to be much older. Also, their personalities just…do not seem in keeping with the emo theme. I'm a grunge and emo kid but the latter definitely makes me chuckle more than it should.

They're listening to Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Chili Peppers when Jill is coloring Shin's hair. Cute Without the E which Koji mentions is by Taking Back Sunday.

Alive is by Pearl Jam.