Chapter 15: Humanity
Author's Note: In my journey to build SpongeBob…I have found an absolute impossibility as a pseudo-crafter and painter:
I'm out of white paint. Who runs out of white paint? Violence and…blunt talking. Happy reading!
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Just…
Koji said he didn't want to give him the pot that helped him sleep too often, not wanting it to lose its edge, but that he'd give him something to make him 'numb'. Shin didn't care. Or whomever this was in this shell.
Lying flat on his back on the floor, smoking the blunt Koji rolled for him, he stared at the ceiling. There definitely was numbing…just that purple haze that taunted him with a fate he only spiritually met. It hadn't granted him the full package.
Nothing seems to kill me…no matter how hard I try; Nothing is closing my eyes. Nothing can beat me down for your pain or delight…no.
And nothing seems to break me…no matter how far I fall; Nothing can break me at all. Not one for giving up though not invincible. I know…
I've given everything I need, I'd give you everything I own; I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone. I've given everything I could to blow it to hell and gone. Burrow down in and blow up the outside, blow up the outside world…
Shin had stopped eating. He hadn't needed food in the desert. A shell didn't need sustenance…
"Shin."
He glanced to the side where Koji was standing, dressed all in black with his arms crossed in the doorway. His face was expressionless. "…I was hoping the weed gave you the munchies. You need to eat something."
"No thanks."
Someone…tried to tell me something. "Don't let the world bring you down". Nothing can do me in before I do myself. So save it for your own and the ones you can help…no.
I've given everything I need, I'd give you everything I own; I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone. I've given everything I could to blow it to hell and gone. Burrow down in and blow up the outside, blow up the outside, blow up the outside, blow up the outside world.
Koji cut his eyes toward his stereo, drawling, "…Keep this up. I'll confiscate your albums and replace them with Kenny G."
"Just kill me then."
Want to make it understood…wanting though I never would. Trying though I know it's wrong. Blowing it to hell and gone. Wishing I never could…
Blow up the outside, blow up the outside, blow up the outside, blow up the outside world…
Yagami Koji smirked. Smirked. "Not that it'll cure anything but you really need to get laid, man."
That crazy punk. "I beg your pardon?"
"This shit is crazy, Shin. All you can do is sit around our, albeit large, home and be miserable. You're just going to lie here on the ground and get high and wish you were dead while listening to bands from our childhood that have broken up. I'm ready to call your major or colonel and tell him for you 'fuck it'."
… "No, Koji…" he mumbled.
"Why?"
Yea, why? It…didn't matter. It wasn't like…he'd done something honorable or…
…Or… "…I did awful things, Koji. If…if they can at least…get one good outcome out of that, I…"
This shell…might be able to live with that carnage and the pool of blood he was drowning in. The Yagami Shin that joined the army three years ago had been blown up but…
Blow up the outside…blow up the outside…blow up the outside…blow up the outside…blow up the outside…blow up the outside…blow up the outside…blow up the outside…
But what? This is what dead Shin would have wanted? Did it even matter now? How the fuck dare he be self-serving and hope that one good deed would undo every sin he committed in that desert? And what did it matter what happened once they 'rescued' the Terrans if there was anything but dead bodies to retrieve? It erased nothing. It didn't matter because, in the end, the part of him that did the right thing perished in that field. Still in the desert…
The outside world…didn't matter anymore.
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Friday evenings, Koji left to go back to his dorm in Saitama and took four classes. It wasn't the overload he'd been doing but he assured it would only put him slightly off course. Shin somewhat wondered if the people around him found it suspicious but Koji shrugged. "…Guess I've been aloof enough they don't know how I'm dealing. No one's asked any questions."
In his stead, on Saturdays, was Yagami Nerimaru. By and large, it used to be that Shin got along best with Nelly. When they were children, Nelly was the fun one and exciting. Koji was withdrawn because he had been abused by monsters. This Shin or that Shin, he would never have the repulsive sin of degrading a child—a baby, really—but the murder? The killing? The lack of respect for human life? Whoever he was now, this husk, he was a monster too. Koji, robbed of all traces of that experience, still fought perverts that thought to salivate over their sister when she was barely to their knee to a bloody halt. Koji didn't remember seeing the abuse of their mother but he'd protect her name alone with violence. Koji knew monsters.
Nelly, on the other hand, was not as privy of that knowledge.
Sitting up in bed, having needed another Xanax today after taking them for four days straight to dull himself, he stared as the 'hero' floated around in a carefree fantasy, dodging bullets and even ceasing their race with his hands. Their bullets were so quiet. So many bullets but so quiet. So easy to just fly away at their convenience to escape the hoards.
"Nerimaru, turn that off."
Surprises were the worst thing imaginable. He didn't care to react when he was on these pills but that fucking innate bastard—that core feeling of survival still tried to kick in, flailing at the fog to make him respond to a potential mercy. Without the drugs, he might have picked up something and tried to bludgeon a family member. His father today, actually, his papa that raised him in all the hardships just for him to become a braindead zombie.
Yagami Yamada looked a bit cross as he entered the room. Nelly glanced up and frowned, turning the movie off without question. It was a relief. Nelly didn't understand monsters.
"…Sorry, Shin. That was probably really shitty."
"It's just a fantasy." They died so easily. Just unplugged. They could just…stop or dodge bullets. If only it were that simple.
His dad tipped his head, "Your mom got some groceries, Nelly. Can you help her real fast?"
"Oh, yea…"
As Nelly left, Yamada sat on the bed, staring at him. Four weeks, he'd been home. A month now. Long enough for the man that raised Yagami Shin to know that his son really hadn't come back. Yamada slowly shook his head, "…Son, talk to me. How can I help you?"
"You can't."
"There has to be a way" Yamada insisted, sitting up straighter to try to look in his eyes. He wished he could focus on something. "Son, you are mind broken right now and I want to understand."
He smiled. Understand. "…You saw 69 people die, one of them being your best friend, and have to live with what happened to your son. For all that to happen and you to have to sit here and ask for clarity, then, you'll never understand. You're simply stronger than I am."
"Shin, that doesn't begin to be true" Yamada gawked.
He looked away to the ornate waves and pursed his lips. He tried to go into it finally a few days ago. It didn't lead anywhere but outside to the vines, he found from the window. He should have expected that.
His father sat in his view, his face firm. Oh. "Shin, after everything we've been through, I refuse to lose you to this. Help me understand. Tell me."
"It's just really too late for that."
"Shin."
His beeper chimed, a signal that someone somewhere needed his help, his expertise. Shin tipped his head as Yamada's face scrunched. "…Go. You can save that person."
"Shin, I'm not going anywhere. This—This is important too."
"Remember how I was a sharpshooter? Expert? I used that…to shoot people right through the forehead" Shin languidly gestured, folding his fingers so only the pointer and thumb were up, flexing his thumb down, "It's not always deadly, I'm sure you know, but when I did it? It was always deadly. Bam. Just brain matter and blood everywhere. At some points I thought, 'damn, wonder if dad could fix that?'. Others I thought, my dad spent his life learning to fix the same thing I destroy. He's the one that saves people. I get to annihilate."
"…I…"
No one would know what to say to that. If what he once was were still alive, he'd have no response either. He would have just been sitting in the same room with a monster. His dad grimaced as his beeper buzzed again. Enough. "Take it, dad. You can lock the door behind you too to keep me in here and protect the family. Tell Nelly I'll be fine behind a wall."
"…You will not be caged, Shin. We will get through this."
'We'. Okay. His dad kissed his forehead and stood to leave. Shin gazed ahead but felt out of the corner of his eye his father falter by the door. He had considered it, locking him away. He decided against it though because he didn't comprehend.
Yagami Yamada knew monsters just like Yagami Koji did. He'd dealt with them since he was born, those that told him he was worthless and beat him for his parentage alone. He had friends and family that were monsters, the type that would turn on him for no reason. A monster stole his wife and ravaged his son's innocence. No, Yagami Yamada also knew monsters and he just slew them from his path.
He just wasn't going to comprehend what to do when it was his own son.
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"Speak quietly. I don't know what to do."
Matsushima Shiro was on the roof of the hospital, smoking a cigarette. The man had cut back supremely since Yamada started to work for him in the eighties but he still indulged from time to time. Cutting his eyes toward Yamada as he approached him, Matsushima drawled, "About…?"
"My son. My baby. Matsushima, he's falling apart. A part of me is falling apart and there is almost nothing I can do" Yamada hissed, shivering, "At one point, tha-that boy was all I had that kept me going and now? Now, when he's given up, I can give him nothing? I-I can't fail another child, Matsushima—Koji eats me up inside every single day. I can't let that happen to another, Matsushima, and God, God, not my Shin."
The man grimaced, slowly holding the cigarette out to him. Against his better judgment, he took it and took a hard puff…and it felt like he'd sucked and filtered inflamed pepper right to his lungs. "Holy Christ" he rasped, his eyes wide.
"Too strong for you now, kid?"
At some point, he literally smoked eight of those a day because he enjoyed them. Enjoyed. And he got stress relief from setting his insides on fire. "I must have been crazy" Yamada wheezed, quickly handing it back.
Matsushima chuckled, inhaling lightly, "I guess I got to only experience that rough and tumble teenage version once and even then you were just being a damn overachiever. Bryant used to tell me about your antics and the suggestion you were some renegade rebel getting into street fights. I don't see it. You're just a know-it-all pain in the ass now."
"I resent that."
Turning to relax against the railing, Matsushima crossed one of his arms over his torso, gazing into the summer night over the city scape. There were some light honks in the background and the bustle of people. Yamada rested his palms on the barrier, looking out. It…it was always relaxing up here somehow. Clarifying. He needed clarity. He…he wanted to save his son. He had gotten this opportunity, one he was unable to accomplish with his best friend.
"What was it that changed you from that version of yourself, Yagami? Aging, sure" Matsushima said, tapping his ashes, "But aging isn't the only thing. What really made the Yagami here today?"
"…Experience" Yamada whispered.
And what Shin had experienced…was changing him too. Could he…stop that? Matsushima nodded, "What from your early life, your experiences, made you that previous version?"
"…Living in Wasaba with my mom, I guess" Yamada muttered.
"And when your only experience was that, what was it that made you change?"
"My son."
Matsushima gave him a look. "Because he's the one on your mind right now, fool. What was it that got you solely out of Wasaba to be a renowned doctor? What was it that put that previous version in the back seat to make this man standing before me come out and go into overdrive?"
Still his son! "Really?" Matsushima droned, "Your son was just delivered from the heavens to give you purpose? Or did someone perhaps have a hand in his birth?"
Running his hands down his face, Yamada droned, "God, Matsushima, you're asking for a reason and she's…she's so above that, I can't fathom what to even call her sometimes. My mother bore me but Dana…Dana gave me life. I'd fight Hell itself for Dana."
"Sappy. But you know why you're here. Your son's experiences have brought him to a place where he probably doesn't know why he's here. Yagami, out of a hundred people, your son was one of five. You just don't do that, Yagami. It's similar to being in a situation where you should be the seventieth person dead."
Yamada's eyes widened, turning his head to stare hard at Matsushima. The older man's gaze was sharp. "I will never say something as frappy or ridiculous as 'love will save you always', Yagami. It's simply not the fact and we do a lot of tomfoolery in the name of love. Or we pin a lot of weight on a person to be our reason for surviving. However, when you're at the end of your rope, sometimes life hands you the grip you need to keep going, whether it be yourself, your goals, your mother, or the love of your life. Something, and I mean something, kept him going for sixty plus days the same way someone made you turn your back on the catalyst of sixty plus people dying. Whatever that was, whatever that is, to be able to live with what he has featured, he's going to need to hold on to it."
Oh. Staring into the night sky, he winced. Yes. "…Motivation."
"He might buckle a bit—he might even have a breakdown. But motivation can be stronger than any damn experience put before us" Matsushima murmured, "Help him. Talk to him. Find out what brought him out of that desert if it wasn't for him. He'll find his way out of it, Yamada."
"…If he doesn't?"
"He'll stay lost in the desert, Yagami. Maybe forever."
…Damn it.
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His legs were healing.
Going down the steps, dazed, he felt irritated. He was thirsty. In the desert, there were times when, when he could finally drink water, it was like he had forgotten the very function of drinking. He trained his body to withstand going without a requirement of life. Now, here? Back at home in this marshmallow bed with air conditioning and cooling, watching television and forced into eating three square meals a day with snacks? He got thirsty regularly. And his needs could be met.
"Isn't there some way we can…help him? He's a zombie!"
Shin paused his descent, out of view of the kitchen where Tony's voice echoed. There was only one zombie in this house.
"I really do hate seeing him like this. It's…it's like Shin never even came back."
You weren't wrong, Nelly. He hadn't. "That's not fair to say though. They sent him back without helping him. It's like going to the hospital with a broken leg and they give you a bandage. He needed more than a bandage and they shouldn't have sent him somewhere where he can just get more damage."
Shaun was a deep kid but wrong in this instance. There…was no help for this version. "Shaun's right. Maybe…maybe we can call and tell them that in code or something. We're pretty smart, we can cook up a code."
Oh no, he'd have to stop this then. Coming forward a little to insist to Jill that couldn't occur, he stopped again when the confusing voice of Koji chimed in. Why were they all there? He was usually at school.
"Look, you guys, I know you asked Nell and I to be here out of concern. And I definitely want to assure you it'll be normal again one day, that the big brother we had just needs a little therapy and some psychology to get him back. But I have to tell you, I don't think that's going to happen."
…Oh.
"Wow, Mr. Optimistic" Nelly scoffed sarcastically, "Funny you stay so positive in insane situations but go negative when someone needs it."
"It's not being negative or positive, Nelly. Facts are just facts. When you go through things in your life, they change you, they alter you. They fit into your growth or regression as a person. Shin won't tell me or anyone else what it is he went through out there but I think we're all old enough to realize you don't roam around enemy territory for two months and live to talk about it without doing something you're not proud of. Shin is either coming to terms with that or he's not."
…
"The first Rambo" Shaun suddenly gasped.
"Not that I want to give any credit to a movie but…yea."
"…Then what you're saying is there is no way to help him?" Tony whispered, "This…this is just development?"
"I don't…I don't think Shin wants this kind of development" Jill murmured.
"I'll never say we throw him to the wolves or anything like that. Just don't think our nii-san is just around the corner somewhere needing a hospital visit and a few talks with a shrink. Once he's 'off duty', he might find himself being able to return to some stuff he likes or even having the same habits. But…our minds just don't fix themselves. That's why it's hard to quit drugs or quit bad habits, we've adapted to them and part of that state is still there even if you do. But…you don't recover from experience. At least, you don't just forget it."
…Shit.
"…I was such an ass to him before he left" Tony rasped, "He…he was only trying to help me and I…I—I wanted to do the same but hearing this…? I can't…I can't even help him a little bit? Because…life?"
"It makes sense" Shaun said simply, "…Just sense kind of sucks."
"It sucks a lot" Nelly muttered, "…He's still a zombie though, Koji. That just…just can't be the way anyone can live."
Koji probably shrugged. Shin couldn't see him but he knew his brother had. He wasn't going to tell them he was taking hard medication that had him zonked into another dimension. It didn't matter. He shuffled back up the steps, no longer thirsty, and sat back on his bed, gazing into space.
…So Shin wasn't dead, huh? This…this was just what experience had made him? He hadn't been replaced at all.
Right. He had just become a monster.
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"So you heard us."
Shin was lying in bed, watching Rambo. It was pretty close, actually, to what he was feeling. He gave this movie kudos. Better than that fucking flying around and dodging bullet shit because reality was supposed to be this terrible but malleable thing. They got one part right.
Cutting his eyes to Koji who came in with his bookbag, looking dreary, Shin drawled, "Heard what?"
"The kids worrying about you and ready to send you to be institutionalized" Koji said dryly, setting his bag by his makeshift bed and falling into it.
"Maybe I just want to watch Rambo" Shin countered, a bit of sarcasm escaping in his tone.
Koji droned into his pillow, "I've been able to discern footsteps since I was a kid, punk, I don't let a lot sneak past me."
Shit. Rubbing his temple, aware of where that tendency came from while Koji didn't, he didn't say anything about it. Couldn't. Koji knew footsteps because he wanted to hear that bastard coming in the night. During this spell of staying in the same room together for an extended amount of time, something they'd never done, Shin learned that sometimes Koji talked in his sleep too. It was indiscernible to a degree but he got enough bits and pieces to know. Koji…Koji never subconsciously forgot anything. That's why…that's why he could never…tell Koji what he was both consciously and subconsciously going through because at least…at least he had the former.
But the latter…the latter was the danger.
"Yagami! Infiltrate! Infiltrate!"
Shin rushed in after a now dead fellow soldier rammed open a door in Sharance. Shooting. So much shooting. Holding his assault rifle, shooting into other human beings without abandon, he trembled. He just wanted to sleep. He just wanted to sleep. Why was he a soldier even in his dreams?
It was a bewildering sensation but a Zech's soldier grabbed his arm forcefully but it felt like a feather graze on his shoulder. Hissing, he elbowed the man away and wrestled him to the ground, wrapping his hands around their throat. They thrashed, punching hard at his bad shoulder but he didn't let go.
Another soldier shoved him away hard. It felt like he'd been knocked back by a stonewall. They were screaming at him to 'die, fucker'. No, he…he wanted to, he thought, but…he always dreamed he was fighting? Why…was he fighting though?
"Shin!"
Shin swung hard, connecting his fist to the bastard's jaw. He heard a grunt and went in for another across the other cheek. Fist fights on the field were rare. Very rare. That wasn't to say they didn't occur, it just wasn't a sufficient way to fight. When he thought about it though, they captured every Zech's soldier they ever got into a fist fight with. They…they must not have wanted to die. Maybe…he needed to get his gun out…
"Shin, snap the fuck out of it!"
Why'd this fucker know his name? Jabbing into his gut before straight arming into his chest, Shin gritted his teeth. These bastards…even had him fighting in his dreams.
"…Okay, FUCK IT."
What was this bastard even talking about? Before Shin could snap at him to not get any smart ideas, that he could kill him, something…happened.
Like the sensation of the touch on his shoulder didn't match the death grip he was seeing, what he felt across his jaw…felt like someone threw a fucking car at his face. He was pretty sure he felt his lower mouth going a separate direction from the top. The fuck?!
No, when Shin took a punch with the same exact intensity to his stomach, he realized something was very wrong, especially since the guy in this dream wasn't punching him at all.
Sure enough, opening his eyes, he found himself somehow in a fist fight with his little brother, the one and only Yagami Koji, in his bedroom.
Shin wanted to say he…didn't have a lot of petty moments in his life, at least when it came to his siblings. But his mind was already sawdust and he snapped. How the fuck dare this prick hit him like that?!
Grabbing Koji by the neck of his shirt, he pulled his fist back and punched him right in the jaw. Ready to guillotine him into the wall, he could only watch, wide-eyed, as Koji reached out, grabbed his head, pulled his neck back as far as it would go and headbutted him against his skull.
He fell back, shocked and dazed, hearing…screaming. It wasn't first on his mind though, he literally just got headbutted. Enraged, he tackled Koji hard and they ended up rolling into the hallway. Koji threw another megaton punch at his other cheek and Shin was almost seeing red…and stars because damn, it hurt.
Grappling and rolling so he was on top, he pummeled Koji hard in just one side of his face. For a second, it looked like Koji was just going to take it. "STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU!"
What? Wait…was that mama? Before he could register why his mom was here screaming at them, all of a sudden, Koji managed to…lift him. Shin kicked, screaming, "Put me the fuck down!"
Punching Koji in the top of the head, he was getting…alarmed because they were about to reach the opening where they could look down to the foyer. No big deal, just…about thirty feet to the ground. Oh, fuck no. Thrashing, he managed to grab a hold of the railing and put Koji in a neck lock. In this position, Koji would go with him if he tried to throw him…and that fucker still went full through the motions without a hint of hesitation.
Shin yelped, pinning his legs to save both of them. That…that's right. That's why fighting Koji scared him more than the Zechs. When the Zechs were shooting at him, they were trying to save their lives, it was a 50/50 chance. When they got into a fist fight, they really didn't want to die. There was a survival instinct at play.
Koji was always ready to fight to the death and he'd go down with you without a care about his own life.
…He…was still fighting for his life too, for some reason.
The move ended up somehow knocking them down the first flight of steps to the landing, wrenched against every squared, wooden edge, before hitting the wall below them hard. Both lying there, panting, Shin cut his swollen eye toward Koji who was holding his own face. "…You…crazy… ass… bastard."
"Ow."
If this wasn't bad enough, he actually squeaked when his mother was suddenly looming over them, holding a broom. Okay, fine, they didn't get into a lot of fights but they could get pretty rough and tumble as kids and their mother hated it. Starting to hold up his hands to indicate at least he was done with that after almost being thrown off, Shin paused.
There were…red and blue bruise marks around his mother's throat. What? Who…
Everything fell quiet as he realized he hadn't been choking a Zech's soldier at all.
"No" he sobbed, rapidly shaking his head, "No, no, no, no, no."
Tripping over himself, he clambered to his feet and quickly rushed out, his mind a blur of screaming and lack of focus as he made his way out the back door and over the deck. No. This. This was…was exactly what he never wanted to see happen. He told her not to touch him. He told her! God, why?! Was this the son that she risked her life for crawling out of a house in the mud that would choke her?
Shin cried, weeping, as he settled in the forest, the 'jungle', clenching his face as he curled up into a ball and rocked. He should have died. That's all he had deserved, he should have died. No one else came out of the desert, survived to see their family again, and was so fucking crazy they almost choked out their own mother. God, why didn't he just die? He didn't deserve this. He killed so many, he should have never made it out, why?
"…Shin."
With a shiver, he looked up to the opening from their yard. Koji.
His brother, someone else he had no business fighting like a Zech's soldier. His shirt was torn from where Shin grabbed him and his face was swelling and blue. "…You fight like an absolute bastard. Kudos."
Shin glared at him, shaking, "L-Leave me alone, Koji. I-I don't want to fight you anymore."
"I'm always ready for a fight, Shin, but I didn't follow you out here because I'm ready to continue it" Koji assured, getting a bit closer. "…Mom wants you to come back inside."
God, no… "I'll just live out here" he whispered, "I-I don't understand what happened, how…how did I…"
Koji sat down beside him some paces, groaning in agony as he sat with his leg outstretched, "Sorry, man, I was just coming out of the shower and I guess mama must have heard you mumbling and moaning in your sleep and tried to wake you. I came out, you…you know."
Biting his lip, starting to cry again, he rasped, "I don't want to hurt any of you, Koji. Please, j-just leave me out here. Tell mama I don't deserve her."
With a shake of his head, Koji murmured, "…Pretend it works for a second, onii-san. Just pretend. We just got into a whole fist fight because you were hallucinating we were Zechian soldiers. So just pretend…that talking helps and tell me something."
Shin gazed up at the moon. Huh…this was the first time he'd been outside since he came home. Staring at the stars, the mid-September air cool and misty, he swallowed. He didn't…want to tell Koji. But…for all he couldn't offer Koji in regard to the subconscious, he just consciously fought him in a lapse of sanity. He…he guessed he owed him.
"…It was rough the first time, Koji. I…I saw all that torture and…insanity in Sharance. I killed like…sixteen people. It messed with me but I…I could sort of live with it because those…those people were threatening the people I swore to protect in that moment. I…I was defending people."
Koji reached into his pocket, retrieving a cigarette and lighting it up, nodding. Shin rested his chin on his knees, trembling, "…I got shot this time, of course, and I…I was still okay. I was shaken and jumpy and scared it would happen again but I…I wasn't messed up. Then…then we…we got shot out of the sky. We survived…a plane crash essentially, Koji, and a terrorist attack. We got off to fight…fight hundreds of soldiers to the death and then we were…were stranded."
"…They kept coming. We'd go a few days, no problem, hoping they'd find us" Shin whispered, "Then…more of them would come and then more of us would die. I…I knew we had to get word that we were still alive. I…I didn't want to die, Koji. I hadn't wanted to die."
"Mm."
"Out there, that's…that's when it became more than…than just killing to protect. I was…I was killing to stay alive. It no longer was about protecting the Terrans out there, it was about protecting myself. And that's when-when just all…all humanity left me, Koji. I strangled someone, Koji. Strangled someone until they stopped breathing. Just…the life snuffed out with my bare fucking hands" Shin whimpered, holding his hands palm up.
"When…when it was me and Komari in the desert, we…we came across a camp, found where they were holding Terran's hostage in a hot torture building and-and we couldn't do anything for them, Koji, we were barely keeping ourselves alive. And to-to add insult to injury, do you know what I did outside of that place, Koji? We came across some watchers that were supposed to warn their men of intruders. Komari and I got the jump on them and cut their throat. I cut someone's throat. As deep as I dug, I felt all of it…and that was just to keep me alive because we couldn't even help those people. Every single one of them may be dead now."
Shaking his head, Koji inhaled hard, "…Shit."
"Every. Single. Body I dropped…I killed close to ninety people, Koji. Shot them through the head. Got their…brain matter sprayed across my uniform. And I buried…every single one of them. I just—I just threw them in a hole out there, never to be found, in the desert. Then I—I let my best friend out there get shot, get injured, because that shit was getting to me and she lost her leg because of me. Then…then, for us to get so-so randomly rescued, I just…I just knew…"
Covering his head, rocking, Shin sobbed, "There were a hundred soldiers, Koji. By the end of it, it was just Komari, Kasumi, Soga, Koike, and me left. Five people, Koji. After all the killing and violence, after I made people suffer, five people made it. Me. Me. I made it and I didn't deserve to live, Koji. Not after all the horror I inflicted. I'm a monster."
Koji didn't say anything. He was going to say something encouraging like, 'well, they were monsters too!' like it even mattered. He went there to be the right person, the good person. To protect. In that damned desert, his life was fifty percent of the reason he committed homicide and there was no way around that. He survived…when Mako didn't, when Kitamura didn't. It just…it just was no encouraging this.
"…Well, nii-san, that is kind of monstrous."
Oh. Shin nodded glumly. "Except, y'know…on occasion, dad mentions a doctor that did the bare minimum, didn't act within full capacity, and gave not zero shits when something happened to their patient. In comparison, our dad treats life as the holy grail. He means to save all he can and will do everything in his power to."
"And he has a son that did everything in his power to take human life" Shin hissed, his eyes hot.
"He has a son that actually considers that."
…What? Koji flicked his finger, tapping off ashes, "In history, millions of soldiers have gone out with a mission, a goal. We both know they weren't always honorable missions or goals, but they believed in them. In history, many of those soldiers removed the life out of someone…and it never once made them question their goals. That, in my opinion, is truly monstrous."
Shin's eyes widened, glancing to him. Koji gestured, his eyes creasing, "We weren't designed to have to remove someone else's life, Shin. Our minds should never get comfortable with that, it's not our right as a species. But you have people that do that willfully and righteously; they feel like they're entitled because they have a mission, a goal. They never even look at the life it took to accomplish that and that's scary. What's also scary is, that means, you…you were the right person for this job, Shin: you never took it as your right to end these people's lives and take pride in what you were doing. You mourn the fact that you had to lose your humanity by doing what we weren't designed to do to accomplish this."
No, no, that… "I did bad things, Koji…awful, awful things…why me? Why me?"
"Your humanity."
That didn't make sense! Koji sighed softly, "…Your humanity, Shin. While we aren't designed to kill, we are designed to want to survive. We might say some self-derogatory things every now and then but we have an instinct inside of us that wants to live. When we don't, something is injured. Something inside Kurt Cobain was hurting and injured. You weren't ever broken, Shin. You didn't get thousands of miles across the desert in deadly conditions with no instinct to live. And it's perfectly okay if that's hurting and injured inside you now."
… "That's the worst part" he whispered, "I'm jumpy…attacking our mama…because that part of me is as strong as ever. I…I don't know if I can come to terms with my meaning of survival or the fact that that…can't seem to ever shut off."
"I don't have all the answers for that type of thing, Shin. I know you're sad because you had to maliciously wound people. You aren't looking at whether they deserved it or not, you're looking at the toll you had to take to defend your life and Komari's. You…you never completely lost your empathy or compassion, the ideal that there has to have been a better way. You even mourn that prick Kitamura, the one you told us treated you like shit, because you didn't want him to have to go out like that. You're not a monster, Shin…just a human being tasked with doing monstrous things that you regret."
Shin quietly cried as Koji rubbed his shoulder absently, "You know, I saw a counselor at the university. It was free so I thought, what the hell?"
…What? "You…you did?"
"Mm."
"…Why?"
"Because I don't have a living instinct and do have an off the chain temper" Koji smiled, "I know what I see…and I know that's not the person I want to be."
…Oh. "T-That's good, Koji. I'm…I'm proud of you and happy."
"No guarantee it'll work. But I feel a little bit better about having tried. I'm still in a place with a trigger temper but I want to do better."
Shin nodded, wiping his eyes, as Koji murmured, "…It's different, Shin, but…I think we're both stuck in a desert in a way. Just I think eventually we have to open our eyes to what's actually going on around us."
…Glancing up at the stars, Shin took a deep breath. Even when they were wandering outside, he'd stopped looking at the sky. He was so mentally and physically exhausted, the function of it just didn't matter. Temperature. Day was absurdly hot, night was mildly cold. Now looking at it again, he felt…clarity.
He couldn't go back on what he'd done. He couldn't accept what he had done. He…he wasn't supposed to though, it wasn't acceptable. He…he knew that. He went in thinking that being the 'right one for the job' was simply saving people. No, he…he needed to figure out how to end this function entirely. The goal…was to stop being a soldier.
Until that day though? He still…wasn't sure who this person was inside of him, just that they were, indeed, still in the desert.
Just…maybe not lost. On a mission.
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End note:
So we were getting ready to go to the Bahamas in 2017. Yes, I'll wear a bikini regardless but I was getting my blood sugars really regulated with a new diet (I'm a diabetic) and was rebuilding my legs (delayed PCL surgery in 2011 makes my legs a little touch and go) at the gym. While I was waiting for my friend to get out of the locker room, on the television, it announced that Chris Cornell has committed suicide. I was…shocked. Not that I'm some huge huge Soundgarden/Audioslave fan but I liked them.
After I got back from my cruise, I happened to be listening to the 'Blow Up the Outside World' at work and, despite it being a song I've listened to on and off for years, that line "Nothing will do me in until I do myself" just really, really, really jumped out along with other lyrics. Then like four months later, Chester Bennington killed himself…
So, if you need help in any capacity, don't think it's beyond you. There are resources and we are leagues more connected to information that we've ever been along with means. You don't have to leave your house to seek counsel and even in the capitalistic healthcare of the U.S., there are ways. Pay attention to your mental health, especially right now with this pandemic and other civil unrest. It's just a…trying part of humanity.
Blow Up the Outside World is by Soundgarden.
Koji mentions that he'll make Shin listen to 'Kenny G' who is a oft lauded jazz musician.
When Shin is referring to them just 'floating around' and stopping bullets, he's referring to The Matrix, the movie.
Rambo stars Sylvester Stallone, a Vietnam vet that returned to America and was just essentially trying to reintegrate but was met by the disdain and distrust of the community. At one segment, he details his experiences being in the war.
So dark few chapters and there's still some storms to come BUT, if you're new here, the Dark Ryuu motto is, even if it's cloudy, there's some rays of hope somewhere.