Nomad, Shin's Story

by Dark Ryuu

Growing up, Shin (Toy) always wanted to do the right thing for everyone that he could, especially those in need. But can he keep from losing sight of himself, his family, and his friends, especially his elusive best friend, Lyla, and new partner in life, Komari? A prequel to Step Toward the Future and Legacy, an alternate universe crossover between all games.

16. A Rush of Blood

Chapter 16: A Rush of Blood

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Conundrum.

Jill called him in a panic, saying she overheard screaming upstairs. He was off the clock so he casually, projecting sadness, told his nurses he was going to check on his wife. Somehow, Yagami Yamada managed to walk out of the building, sadly getting in his car…and BOOKING IT up the road.

When he rushed into the mansion, he found Dana by the deck door, wringing her hands. Approaching her, he asked what was going on. And she turned to him.

On Dana's seventeenth birthday, she asked her ex-husband if she could spend a few days with him. It was as crazy a situation as it sounded but that had been their life at some point. Dana wore long sleeved clothes despite it being the hottest end of summer and turned the lights off anytime they made love so he wouldn't see. Eventually, he saw that she was covered in bruises, battery and abuse from that son of a bitch. He…had been angry millions of time in his life up to that point but he'd never been able to taste the rage in his pores.

So today, 21 years later, with her standing here with bruise marks on her neck, he was…in a very mixed place. "…Dana, what…what the f…what the…?"

He was quivering as she shook her head, grasping his hand, "H-He was thrashing so I-I know he said not to approach him but I-I just wanted to wake him up. I touched his shoulder as gently as possible—it's my fault, I should have listened to him."

Squeezing the bridge of his nose, he took a long moment to compose himself. He…loved his son, his firstborn…but putting his hands around Dana's throat was…

"…I know he's not in his right mind, I know it" he mumbled, "…But I want to beat him right now, not going to lie."

Dana rapidly shook her head, looking at him beseechingly, "Please, he-he and Koji got into it and they're both just…VIOLENT. I think he took enough of a beating tonight, please."

Yamada sulked before kissing her forehead, "You'll never have to plead with me not to hurt our kids, Dana, you know that."

"I know…" she rasped.

"Where is he?"

"He…he ran out into that wooded area in the back and Koji went after him."

God, please don't have those two out there tussling in the woods, Yamada groaned, staring out. Koji…had protected his mother for a very long time. So, for this to happen…

However, after a few more minutes, two shadowy figures emerged, moving hastily toward the deck to reenter the house. Yamada stepped back as Shin and Koji entered. Somehow, he was a bit incredulous, both of their faces were puffy, swollen, blue, and red. "…What in the WORLD?"

"Papa…" Shin whispered.

"Look at you two" Dana huffed, stalking toward the kitchen, "Sit down. I'm getting ice packs."

They both quietly sat on the couch as Yamada watched them. None of the wounds appeared…entirely fresh. Still though. Dana rushed in with ice packs, commanding them both to hold it to their faces. Koji pressed his against his cheek, his eyes closed, while Shin looked completely down at the floor. His wife looked frustrated. "I don't want to see either of you fighting like that EVER again."

Yamada scowled as they both just mumbled, very noncommitted. Dana was cross, "I mean it, you two!"

"I deserved far more, mama."

Shin was shaking. He was probably hallucinating when he did this but… Dana's face softened and she knelt before him, clasping his cheeks, "I know it wasn't intentional, Shin. You had already warned me, I just hadn't taken heed."

"Stop. Stop, i-it's not your fault" he sobbed, tears rolling down his face, "I-I'm so sorry, mama, I'm so sorry…"

"My poor Sweetie Plum" she murmured as he wept, kissing his forehead.

…Yamada knew about dreams too. "Dana, Koji, may I speak with Shin for a moment?"

His wife gave him a brief look before nodding softly, standing and squeezing Shin's hands, "Stop beating yourself up. I know your heart."

"…Maybe" he whispered.

"I do. I know all of your hearts…and you're knuckleheads" she said dryly, "C'mon, Koji."

Koji simply nodded, standing and patting Shin's shoulder as he passed. No, the family…very much understood trauma, unfortunately. Shin probably just wasn't used to being the one traumatized. Sitting beside his first born, Yamada was silent for a moment as Shin sniffed, wiping his eyes every few minutes.

"…Son, what was it that got you out of the desert?"

"…Mercy. Miracles."

Yamada shook his head. "…I was speaking with Matsushima. If it wasn't for yourself, there…there was some motivation that kept you going until you were found, Shin. That you WERE found was a mercy, a miracle, but…it took you to get there. What was it that kept you from giving up?"

Folding his hands together, Shin gazed off silently. He didn't seem to be reflecting, just…blank. Maybe…maybe it wasn't as straightforward as Matsushima made it sound.

"…I had to keep rebuilding reasons."

Eh? Yamada tilted his head as Shin finally spoke, his voice faint. "At first, I…I wanted to make sure I got back because I didn't want to worry you, make you think you'd…you'd have to bury another Shin. I wanted to get back to you all. And I wanted to make sure that the other soldiers got back to their families too."

"…Ah" Yamada whispered.

Shin smiled bitterly, "…When we got to the base where the line wasn't working, it was almost in me to give up but I…I just told Komari 'what the hell? Let's go further'. At that point, I was just going to fight to survive until there was no point to anymore and that I'd…I'd have Komari's back. After…after Komari was shot, she told me a story about her girlfriend. I knew from what she said that…that her girlfriend was waiting for her so I swore I'd get her back to her girlfriend."

Yamada nodded slowly as Shin…paused. His tired eyes registered a bit of surprise. Hmm? "…And?"

He opened his mouth but no words came out. Hesitance. Leaning closer, Yamada looked at him, "What was it, Shin?"

His eyes scrunched up and he slowly leaned back, pressing the ice pack to his cheek as he looked away. What? "…When…when I was so tired and so…so done with trying…we came across the Zech's soldiers. Dozens of them. I was ready then to lay down and die. Komari even suggested we just…off ourselves to not give them the satisfaction. It…it tempted me."

Yamada struggled to swallow that as Shin seemed…bemused, "…Then, I just…thought about…her."

"Her? Komari?"

"…Well, yes, she…she was always there. But…not just her. The…the reason I started shooting, kept fighting, I…I started to think about Lyla."

Eh? Eyes widening as Shin bit his bruised lip, Yamada drawled, "…Oh."

"I…I should have been thinking about my family, I'm certain" Shin insisted quickly, "I-I don't know what made me think of Lyla. Just…just it struck me that I…I never would see her again and it's been two years. I have…so many questions about what took place and I…it made me get up and start shooting until we got rescued. I guess…what kept me going was my family and friends, as sappy as it sounds."

"It's not sappy at all" Yamada murmured.

"No. Because I come back and I'm hurting that same family that kept me going" he hissed, "And I let my friend lose her leg and…and I probably won't ever see Lyla again."

…As Matsushima said, it was a terrible burden to saddle another human being with. Being someone's purpose or motivation…one of his good friends growing up, Mariko, had placed that task on another man and she quickly came to realize it was a fool's errand when the other person didn't feel the same. Attaining a person…could not be someone's motivation.

Just, at the end of the day, at the end of this story, the thought of one person kept his son from killing himself or being shot down immediately. At the crux of his own story had been to get his wife back.

Maybe…it was an okay motivation if both sides were looking for one another.

"Man, we are going to get our asses arrested."

This was an awful, awful, awful idea.

Shin had protested that it was just too risky. His father told him rather sternly the only way he was forgiving what he did to his wife, not Shin's mother, but Yagami Yamada's wife, was if he went out and…and tried to see Lyla.

So, he put on a pair of shades, a thick black hoodie, dark wash jeans, and entered Koji's car as if he were one of the other kids and sank low in the back seat. Nelly was home for a brief break so the twin duo jumped into the front seats and gunned it up the road to the 'wifely school'.

It was weird being in a car after this long, it felt like he was flying and it made him incredibly dizzy. But he stayed low regardless, making sure to stay out of the window. This was definitely not what his colonel told him to do, but…

They got there probably a little too early, it looked as if school was still in session. So, Koji parked across the street and they waited. Nelly had made the remark about the arrest which would just be fantastic because he was pretty sure in the eyes of the law and world, Yagami Shin was supposed to be underwater right now. God, this was stupid.

"I-I don't even know what to say" Shin hissed, "I-I think this is a bad idea."

"You're just nervous" Koji yawned, smoking a cigarette as he toyed with the radio.

Nervous? Meeting his best friend and once upon a time love interest? Maybe…maybe because all of those titles were prefixed by 'former'. Maybe…it was why it was 'former' that…that scared him. Or…

"Oh wow, there she is."

What?! Shin quickly looked all around before his eyes just attracted right to her.

When he first met Okamoto Lyla, he thought she was this…beautiful fairy. Her light pink hair was longer, about to her waist, with a random braid starting at the front and disappearing to the back as she wandered out of a school building. She was wearing a thin coat and from what he could see, her eyes weren't focused on anything.

And I'd give up forever to touch you 'cause I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now…

And all I can taste is this moment. And all I can breathe is your life. And sooner or later it's over. I just don't wanna miss you tonight…

She…was…still his beautiful fairy. How? How…how could he approach her when he…

And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's meant to be broken…I just want you to know who I am.

His heart was racing as Nelly looked back at him, frowning, "…What do you want us to do, Shin? You want us to call her over?"

Call her over…? Now? Was this happening?

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, yea, you bleed just to know you're alive.

She sat down on a bench, taking out headphones. It…was the absolute perfect opportunity, no one was really around right now, but…

And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's meant to be broken…I just want you to know who I am.

'Hi, Lyla. No, I'm not dead. What happened? Well, I was in the desert, wandering and kind of lost like we used to play we were as kids. Oh no, there weren't tigers to escape. No, I stabbed some guy in the throat and murdered close to a hundred people on my tour. Yea, I was hallucinating too and now I need drugs to do basic functions. I'm so stressed I in fact just strangled my mother the other day. How have you been?'

And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am…

"…I'm sorry, Koji, Nelly" he rasped, shaking, "I-I can't do it. I just can't. Can we please leave?"

Neither said anything, silently pulling back on to the road and away from this nightmare. Looking out the back window, gazing as her form became a speck in the distance, he breathed shakily.

I just want you to know I am. I just want you to know I am. I just want you to know who I am…

Shit.

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Yagami Shin felt like he was under someone's thumb. Pressed down and barely breathing. He was listless and frustrated. He…

…He honest to God had no idea what to do with his life now.

It was going on month two and he was admittedly stir crazy. Aside from his three attempts to hype himself up to speak to Lyla, he hadn't left the house. Well, he went outside to their jungle sometimes to cry so, that was great.

Wandering down the steps, he caught sight of Koji. Bless his younger brother, Koji looked at him, laughed, and said, "I am so sick of you" before just going to lounge on the couch. His mom scolded Koji but the feeling was mutual, Shin had found himself chuckling. Yea, they were going to lose it.

…He…really wanted things to change, just…

There was a knock at the door. There hadn't been a knock at the door in two months. Shin quickly dodged to hide in the cove of the stairs, holding his breath. Maybe…just a salesman. His heart was racing again. No, stupid, it…it wouldn't be her…

Koji yawned as he wandered to the front door, opening the barrier. "…Hello."

"Hey. You Yagami Shin's brother?" said a masculine voice.

Crap. "…Yea. Come to pay your respects?"

"Yea, dude did me a real solid once. Saved my life, in fact. I owe him."

…Sugo? Shin's brows furrowed, having to dig in his memory bank which eventually made him ill. Wow, he really had to dig to think of the people he'd saved. This…this was why…

"Please, come in" Koji replied.

"Thanks."

Shin turned his cheek against the wall, frowning when he heard dual 'clacks' against their wood floors. Man, who even was this…? He…he had barely saved anyone, not anyone that would just walk in here.

"Komari, right?"

…Eh? Shin froze. What? Was Koji crazy? It sounded like a guy!

"Aww, hell, I thought I did a good job with my undercover man voice."

"Ehh, I can sense women."

"You're definitely Koji."

…What? Shin…couldn't believe it. He cautiously peeked around the corner, just not sure he could fathom…

Standing there, wearing a gigantic gray hoodie with the hood pulled up and matching ginormous sweatpants with wide dark aviator glasses, a face mask hanging off her ear, a backpack, and two crutches was none other than Yamada Komari.

The woman smiled, pushing her glasses up, "Well, fucking Yagami Shin. Miss me?"

"Oh my God, Komari" he rasped, quickly coming down.

God, he…had no idea how familiar her presence had become. He hugged her tightly, wondering if he'd just started hallucinating again…the woman embraced his neck, sighing. "…As much as I'd love to stand here and hug you, bud, I'm not quite light enough on my one foot."

Jesus Christ. Shin yelped, alarmed as he pulled away, "Oh my God, I'm sorry. Here, let me help."

"Ay, ay" she grunted as he started to pick her up, pushing him a bit, "I've got enough problems with tripping and hallucinating, I don't need us recapturing our carrying experience in the desert."

…Shit. Koji tilted his head as Shin tried to…grasp this. "The living room is close by. Let's get you relaxed in there."

"Much obliged!"

Komari wheeled herself behind Koji, Shin following weakly. So…he wasn't the only one, huh? His partner in horror whistled, "Shit, this place is huge. You really are a rich kid, Yagami."

"Y-Yea…"

Koji offered her the elongated piece of the couch so she could stretch out her remaining limb, taking her crutches to lean against the wall. Sitting beside her, Shin smiled…some. "A-Ah, Komari, my manners. This is my little brother, Koji. Koji, as you figured out, this is Komari."

"Nice to finally meet you" Koji bowed, "Thanks for all you did for Shin."

"All I did for Shin? I hope he hasn't come here and made me the sole hero" she sulked.

"You are" Shin grumbled.

Komari smirked, shoving his shoulder, "Stop it. It's nice to meet you, Koji. Shin talked about you and your other siblings quite a bit."

"Likewise. I have to check on something but I'll come back in a few."

Shin nodded, murmuring 'thanks' as Koji disappeared into the kitchen. Komari took off her glasses, pushing the hood back. To his surprise, though she kept her hair short in general, she had an almost Peter Pan cut. "Okay, Sinead O'Connor."

"Shut the hell up" she snickered, "You must think I have no idea who that is, ass. My hair is still denser than that, Fabio."

Chuckling, shaking his head as he leaned back, Shin replied, "…I dunno, I can somehow manage to shave but cutting my hair has been a task. Until I can get my mind straight, I'll accept 'Fabio'. The Mia Farrow is cute too."

"And you look good with a ponytail" she assured, sighing, "…I just needed a fresh start."

…Eh? Shin stared, first thinking about the implication of her cutting her hair and what that usually meant…before something more pressing hit him. "…Yamada, what the hell are you doing here?"

The hell?! How'd she get here! Tsuyukasa was hours from here, she had to blow their cover! Komari shrugged. "I walked to the train station in my town early before anyone was awake, paid my fare, rode up here and got on a bus, then took a taxi. Incognito, no calls, just a covered ghost on a transport."

Shin frowned, slowly nodding again, "…Why though?"

Komari laughed dryly, standing after grabbing a crutch and walking slowly to the deck door to stare out. He trembled, staring at the vacant pant leg. Damn it. "Well, Yagami, my house is about the size of this room. The second floor is the same size…and that's it. 59 square feet, 640 square feet. One of the biggest houses in Tsuyukasa to boot but, well, my dad's still got to play it cool and mind the restaurant and mom has to continue to be a jetsetter to play the part. So, imagine being in this living room for two months…with my fucking girlfriend."

"…Shit, my brother and I agreed we're sick of each other this morning in this house" Shin droned.

She didn't say anything before coming back over, grunting as she rested back across the chaise…and suddenly curling into his side. Shin stared down at her before grimacing, rubbing her shoulder, "…So you heard."

"Yea. The day after we got back, my dad thought it was a great thing to spring on me then and there" she mumbled, "…A fucking air raid. They got Mako from the sky, bunch of motherfucking cowards."

"I'm so sorry, Komari" he whispered, resting his cheek on top of her head, "I…I really wanted you to be able to sit down with him. I…I was devastated to hear he was killed before you could do that."

Komari choked, suddenly crying, "You didn't even know him. You met him once and you've given me more lines of compassion than she has in two fucking months."

Oh no… she hissed, "We all grew up together—Hina, Mako, Kasumi—I get it, Shin, I get it. I know what Kasumi grew up with, what she's been through, but she was completely unbothered. Just-just one less man I've had sex with at her behest that might have wanted to have sex with me again in her sight!"

Damn. Shin grimaced, "W-Well…"

Sitting up, she glowered, "I have spent two months listening to that bullshit, Shin. If it wasn't about me being 'suspiciously sad' about Mako, every single day I got to get an earful about how I spent two months in the desert with you."

…Pardon? "…Was there some…confusion? We weren't on a luxury cruise" Shin's eyes narrowed.

Komari rubbed her eyes, muttering, "Yea, well, you tell that brilliant human being that. In her mind, we had to have fucked at least twice a day."

"Yea, between the extreme dehydration, burning skin, starvation, insanity, occasional bloodbath, and burying bodies, that was on my to do list" he scoffed, rolling his eyes.

The woman stared at the ceiling, her head slung back, before she shook it. "She's jealous, Shin."

"Of what?" he demanded, "What in any of our situations would even slightly amount to something to be jealous of, Komari? We were all about to be dead."

She gave him a look. "Shin, look, was it ideal that we crashed in the desert? No, not even slightly. Aside from the obliteration of our squad, however, Kasumi was in the better set of circumstances. They had endless water. They had made shelter out of the cargo—one of the guys managed to rig up something akin to air conditioning. They were suffering but they weren't our suffering."

"I…I mean, I don't want to qualitatively say that…" Shin said reluctantly.

"Did you look at Kasumi?" Komari demanded, "Did you look at her when we got back? Yea, she was mildly burned but that was it. We went through HELL, Shin."

"…Yes."

"And it eats her up inside that you got me through hell."

Shin had a headache. Rubbing his temple, he droned, "I don't even want that credit, Komari."

"Because you're annoying" Komari leered, pointing at him, "She knows damn well I didn't go through the desert by myself. I told her I gave up dozens of times once we left the base. That whole journey was you playing motivational speaker and being your same overachieving ass. No one, and I mean no one, else would have carried me around the desert, Shin. If you were really going to be sentimental, you would have lied beside me and died but carrying me? Absolutely not. She will not ever get over that."

His mind was not accepting this…seeming praise. "Mari…"

"She tried to get me to turn. Told my mom and dad that, because of you, I lost a leg-"

True. "—Over and fucking over again, Shin! Shin!" she gestured her hands around her head. She was still crying. "I have to live with the one leg, Shin—ME. Me. I am missing a part of my body—stop talking about it!"

Shin's eyes widened, shocked. He shakily grabbed a tissue from a box nearby on the lamp stand, handing it to her. He felt queasy. Right…right. He felt guilty causing it, certainly, but…why was he making that about him? She said she didn't blame him but she was the one that had to live with the outcome. Hugging her tightly, he rubbed her back again as she just cried. Jeez, Kasumi…just at least be a shoulder.

"I…I'm sorry you're going through that, Komari. Honestly, I am, that's…that's just not fair. I…I'd fix a lot of things if I could."

Komari sniveled, wiping her eyes miserably, "I know. But you did a lot in the situation."

Ugh. "…I understand her story, Komari. I really, really, really do, okay? I…I ran into something similar here where I just…just didn't want to put a strain on the person. However, it…it turns out they were very well-equipped to listen to me and…I won't ever say it's been better but I'm in a less rocky place. But Yamada—Kasumi should not be putting you on rockier ground. You don't owe that to her."

"I can handle Sumi" she assured, shrugging her shoulders, "…But maybe she just can't handle who I am."

Wincing at that assertation, Shin looked at his lap. Komari suddenly exhaled, "…Fwoo. I do feel a little better. Okay. How are things with Lyla?"

Oops. Shin, in a both indeliberate yet somehow deliberate way, looked completely in the opposite direction at the wall away from Komari. Oops. "Um, what?"

"…Uh…aside from my immediate family, I am…still very much dead to everyone else."

"…I beg your pardon?"

Groaning, Shin stood as Komari glared incredulously at him. "You're talking about Sumi being cold-blooded—you're going to let your best friend think you're still dead? I thought you said she lives right next door!"

"S-She sort of does? Apparently she got into some thing with her dad and doesn't come around as much?" Shin drawled, a bit pitchy.

"So your brothers couldn't have gone to see her wherever and been like, 'oh, hey, we're having a vigil for Shin, we only want you to come' and boom?" she demanded.

Shin crossed his arms, going to stare through the drawn blinds. The flora in their little jungle was almost glittering in the midday. "…Are you different now, Komari?"

"What?"

"After the desert, are you different now?"

Komari snorted, "Well, dunno, Shin, I'm probably not riding anymore bikes, but…"

"Not…not physically. I mean, after this, after we got back—are you still majority the Komari that was there before we started to wander the desert?"

"…Probably not majority."

"I know I'm not" he whispered.

Bowing his head, he swallowed, "…Her Shin was…was the version that bought us walkie-talkies so we could communicate in the middle of the night. Her Shin was the guy that made sure she got to go to her first concert and got to wear a bathing suit. Her Shin made her favorite dinners. Her Shin was the guy she was afraid would put himself at risk to do the right thing."

Breathing, he barely got out, "…Her…her Shin wasn't the one that came back…"

"What? Shin-"

"Her Shin—would have never just—just mindlessly killed people and buried them. Her Shin was supposed to be a decent person and turned around to be a mass killer! Her Shin would never have gotten so fucked up in the brain that he needs drugs to live with himself now. Her Shin would have never even needed to ask his little brother to put his life on hold to make sure he doesn't snap and hurt their family. Her Shin would have never hurt his family but just got into a fist fight with that same little brother after hallucinating so bad he strangled his mother. I could never meet her the way I am now and I don't deserve to."

"Wow. Look here, Yagami" Komari grunted, pulling herself to sit on the end of the chaise, "…Okay. I do get it. Frankly? Couldn't even sleep beside Kasumi for a few days, it felt like…unnatural. I felt like one of us should have been awake and that every slight crick in the house was someone trying to murder me. What Itoh Kasumi was used to is ol' cuddle bug. It's different because she also had similar reactions from similar experiences. Her processing was she wanted it to go back to the way things used to be. I can't—I'm not there yet and I doubt I'll ever be there yet either. We were on an equal playing field in some domain so it might be harder for her to empathize with your experiences."

Shin quietly digested that. Komari murmured, "But you can't tell me that the Yagami Shin—the Yagami Shin that Lyla once knew—didn't come back."

Ha! "He really, really didn't, Komari."

"Bullshit. Because that was the same Yagami Shin that got us through the desert in the first place."

His eyes scrunched, shaking his head. No, he didn't. "Look at me, Shin, and really think about it because I know you now: you are self-depreciating. You did things you're not proud of and thought you were never capable of. But it's real easy to detach and say 'well, the old me did this' or 'never would I have ever-'—bullshit, Yagami! The same Yagami Shin that went into that desert came out of that desert. If he was a different person, none of that former Shin would even matter. And if you're standing here telling me that Lyla would judge that you're no longer a decent person because her Shin would never, not that he was injured, broken down, and damaged and came back with the scars of experience—fuck her."

"…I'm just so ashamed, Mari."

"You can be honest" she suddenly smirked, "Because I was right there with you. Am I no longer a 'decent person' in your sight? I mean, I could see me never having been one so there's that."

"Of course you're a decent person!" he gaped back at her.

Komari pressed her hand against her chest, her eyes closing some, "Oh, so I need to think of myself as 'other Komari' and hate myself because of what I did? I was cutting throats and blowing out brains with you, Yagami. You can't not hold me to some high standard and then swing around and call yourself some kind of monster when we're guilty of the same things, hypocrite."

Yeesh. "…I guess you're right."

Her eyes softened, gesturing him closer. He sighed, walking over. She grasped his hand, giving it a squeeze, "Bro, I am happy to see you and I just spent two months with you two months ago. If this is the same person that gave you the family heirloom meant for her husband because you're the only person she felt would ever deserve it, meaning you're probably the only person in her life that came close to being capable of deserving that position? She will not give one damn that her Shin isn't the same exact boy from two years ago, only that she got him back."

"I don't know…" he mumbled.

"Look what I'm working through with Kasumi, Shin" Komari sighed heavily, "…I'm dealing with trauma for her too. I know you wouldn't do that to Lyla…but I believe, from what you've told me, she will want to take the time to get to know where you are now."

Yea…that's something else he was afraid of. "Oh my goodness!"

They both jumped, alarmed. Looking over his shoulder, he found his mother entering the room with Koji. Eh? Yagami Dana's eyes were aglow, "Are you Komari?"

"A-Ah, yes, I am" Komari quickly smiled.

Shin was startled as his mother rushed to her, hugging Komari tight, "Thank you so much for being with my baby in the desert."

Mama… Komari looked cross, "Ma'am, I feel like your…overzealous son may have incorrectly portrayed my part in this journey. I…I owe my life to him."

Hardly. "I doubt he incorrectly portrayed you, dear. Just…his father and I always made sure Shin was never alone and I…I won't say he wouldn't have but I don't know if he would have made it without someone else."

Komari's eyes widened. Shin smiled softly. "She's right."

Koji stuffed his hands in his pockets, nodding, "You'll be staying with us for a little while, won't you?"

"Oh, I didn't want to intrude, I was…slightly thinking about leaving the country" she droned.

What now? Both Koji and his mother looked confused as Shin smirked, "Really, Komari? You can stay with us as long as you need, it's not slightly a disposition."

"Perhaps…just a few days then" Komari said reluctantly, "If I'm gone too long, the others may get worried."

"Excellent! I'll go get something nice for dinner then" Dana clapped.

Shin teased, "On our worst days, she'd drag on about her favorite foods of doji nabe, osechi, and okonomiyaki so if that gives you any inspiration…"

Komari sulked at him, sticking out her tongue, "No, no, I'm the bother here now-"

"Nonsense" Dana assured, "That sounds way different than what we've been eating lately. I'll be back in a bit."

Shin smiled sadly as his mom kissed his cheek, advising him to relax with his friend. She was too good to her terrible son…

Blinking languidly at Koji, he drawled, "…You can go…loiter. I know this has been seriously killing you."

Koji's brows quirked, apparently not denying it. "…You sure you're good?"

"Yea." Komari was probably the only one that wouldn't…be in direct danger.

"I won't be gone long regardless. I'll get us some beer for tonight too" Koji replied, nodding.

Shin agreed and he wasn't startled that his brother was to the exit in like four seconds despite a fairly decent walk between the living room and front door. Sighing, Shin sat back down beside Komari and scratched his head, "…So leave the country, huh?"

"Crossed my mind" she muttered, "…I hadn't slept well this week. I slept in the closet one day this week just to feel…secure, I guess? Not only Kasumi laid into me, my mom and dad, they were like, 'enough, you're just being crazy now' and 'it's all an act, start acting like our Komari', blah, blah, blah. I told them I'd kill all of them, I'm leaving and never coming back, and to go to hell."

Groaning, Shin squeezed the bridge of his nose, "…I'll…have one of my siblings call and we'll come up with some coded way to say you're safe."

"Tuh."

"I guess I took for granted how…accepting my family is being. My dad's only threatened me once and not really but that was still after I put my hands around my own mother's throat" he muttered lowly.

"What happened? She seems so sweet" Komari frowned.

"She is so sweet, I was asleep and dreaming about an army infiltration. I guess I was thrashing and she came to wake me up but, of course…"

Komari nodded solemnly, "…I'm so scared of that. They annoy the fuck out of me but I would never want to hurt my family. They don't understand that's why I sleep in closets. I'm…I'm trying to cope and…and deprogram."

Her soft brown eyes looked sad suddenly. "…Huh. I guess you're right. Maybe…maybe I didn't come back."

Grimacing, Shin shook his head, "No, you…you made a lot of good points, Komari, really. My brother made a great point too though: I…I don't think we ever left the desert. In our minds, we're…we're still soldiers."

His friend's eyes widened before she smiled, "…Fucking A. Where's the switch for that?"

"…Closure, I guess. When…we can finally close this chapter out."

When…they weren't pressed down anymore. The only problem from there was…what do you do with freedom when you still didn't know who you were?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The weed still helped because Koji kept him weaned enough to not depend on it. Mostly the hard drugs the army gave him really put him under. It was a tad disturbing, but, at some point Komari had dozed off while they were speaking and he fell asleep right beside her. He…hadn't been able to do anything close in weeks.

He couldn't put his finger on why. It couldn't be that he felt she was more his equal than, say, his own damn family. No, he felt Komari far surpassed him in ways but, again, he also felt the same way about his family. He definitely didn't want to hurt her but he sure as all hell hadn't wanted to hurt his mother. Maybe he felt she could take him? If he were perfectly honest though, assessing it now, Koji held BACK because he knew Shin was out of his mind. No, he had seen Koji fight, he had FAR more insanity in his arsenal than what he'd given Shin and that was considering Koji still whooped his ass. No, Komari…

…He guessed Kasumi wouldn't ever like him. Komari felt like a part of him now. Yes, his family was a part of him too but…the experience he and Komari shared would never be something he had with them. Kinship. She…she understood a hundred percent where he was coming from because she'd been there beside him.

At six, around three hours later, he started to stir, groggy. Komari was kind of cuddled up into his side and it felt like his cheek had been on top of her head. Rubbing his face, he sleepily glanced around to assess his surroundings…and found MOST of his siblings, appearing pensive as they sat on various articles of furniture throughout the room. Oh lord.

"…Good evening" he greeted lowly.

'Hey', 'hello', they all droned, kind of side-eying him. What? Shin glowered at them, "…Get your minds out of the gutter. This is Komari."

"What gutter?" Tony sang dryly.

"Aren't you supposed to be in a school somewhere?"

Tony stuck out his tongue as Jill snickered, doing homework at the coffee table. "I had an off day today, thank you very much."

Shaun yawned, turning the page on his book as he sat in the recliner, "That your new best friend?"

He felt like he was being charged with something. He didn't like it. "Can't I have MULTIPLE friends or are we all stuck to like one forever friend?"

"Not when one of your forever friends hasn't been around in forever…" chimed Nelly, the prick lying on the other end of the couch on the chaise, slouched.

"Stop being assholes."

Shin glanced up as Koji appeared with that decree, a beer in hand. "…Huh. Surprised you came back so soon. Figured you'd want to make up for lost time."

"I can cover a lot of ground in a very short time" Koji smiled.

Gross. Nelly snickered, "And you don't think he's out getting pussy on Saturday after class? Please."

Tony snorted, "Yea, you really thought Koji here would go cold turkey?"

"Shut your individual holes."

Shin smirked, his eyes half closed. He actually had assumed Koji was two months celibate but that was actually very naïve now that he was considering it. Suddenly he heard a snicker. "You didn't lie, you have a hella amount of siblings…"

Looking to his side, he found Komari had roused, curled under the blanket he'd rested over her before he fell asleep. "Sorry, we're loud, I didn't mean to wake you."

"Mm, it's fine, my hip kind of is starting to hurt" she grumbled, turning over on her side.

He shot his siblings a quick warning glare, noting that they all, minus Koji, looked stunned when there was very clearly a missing part of her leg. He hoped they understood to not stare or mention it. "I'll get you some pain meds."

"Nah, I'm fine" she assured though her face was scrunched, "Introduce me to everyone."

"O-Oh, right. This guy that looks just like Koji, this is Nelly. That's Tony. You know the only girl is Jill. And the blue haired kid is the youngest, Shaun. Everyone, this is my friend from the army to the desert, Yamada Komari."

Nelly nodded, "It's nice to meet you. Shin's told us a lot about you."

The kids all chimed in in agreement. Komari smiled, "It's nice to finally meet all of you. A very cute family, Shin."

"I guess" he stuck out his tongue.

She laughed as they all heckled that he wasn't cute, sitting up. "Adorable. You mind if I use your restroom?"

"Of course not" scoffed Shin, standing, "Do you-"

"If you're about to ask me if I need help using the toilet, I'll knock you out in front of your siblings."

"Fine, fine" he sighed gravely, grabbing her crutches from where they were leaning against the wall to at least help with that, "Here, I'll show you."

Shaky on her feet, she nodded as he offered to just show her to the guest bathroom in case she wanted to freshen up and where she could sleep. It was…still dismal to watch her kind of hobble up the stairs, stopping every few paces to take a breath before continuing.

"Jeez-z-z-z, bro" Komari gawked as they entered one of the rooms in his wing next to his main bedroom, "This is like my entire FUCKING HOUSE."

"Yea, I'm actually not sure who this was built to house" he mused, setting her bag on the bed, "Sure there are eight of us but there's like thirteen rooms or something."

She snorted, "Fucking rich kid. You could have definitely gone a whole different route, Yagami."

"…Yea."

Komari punched his shoulder, winking, "Of course, then I would have never met you and possibly ended up dead out in the desert without you around. Time paradoxes are nuts."

Somehow he could chuckle at that, "I wouldn't count on it, 'Mari. I…In some crevice of my mind, I think I'd have joined regardless even if I knew this is where I'd be mentally and emotionally."

"Because you were the right person for the job, Shin."

…Maybe. She shooed him to go back to his siblings while she washed up. While he wanted to say 'call me so I could get you down the steps safely', that…probably was belittling. He wasn't sure but…it was just difficult to know what was appropriate here.

Going back down the steps, he smiled as his mama appeared to be cooking loach in the large pot, preparing to set it on the table. "Smells delicious, mama…thank you."

"Of course, Sweetie Plum" Dana smiled, "Your friend seems a bit thin. I messaged your papa to come home and give her a checkup."

"O-Oh, maybe…" Again…was that appropriate?

Reentering the living room, he found his siblings seeming to be whispering. Yea, he figured they were going to be nosy. "Look, I appreciate you all not saying anything about Komari's leg…and I would like for it to remain that way."

"Of course not, bro" leered Nelly, "We're not a bunch of assholes, contrary to what Koji said. We were just discussing if maybe pop could get her a prosthetic made on the low."

What? Koji nodded, "That's a lot of pressure to put on one leg, Shin. Usually people with amputations use a wheelchair or a prosthetic. She's a BEAST walking around on one limb even if she needs crutches but it has to be painful."

…Oh no. Shaun looked…enlightened. "I can build her one!"

"You are not a medical engineer, Shaun" Tony yawned.

"Is that a thing?"

"Medical technology and clinical engineering is a little more succinct."

Shin jolted a bit when his father walked in, holding his medical bag. "Hello. Your mother sent some elusive message to Matsushima that he HAD to decode on his own. All I could gather is I'd need my diagnostic tools."

"H-Hey, dad. Um, yea, my friend Komari came. She…looks okay to me but you never know. She hasn't seen a doctor, I imagine" Shin explained.

Yamada groaned, rubbing his face, "Then I have NOWHERE near what I need…where is she?"

"Ah, upstairs."

Dana entered, wiping her hands, "Dinner will be ready in about fifteen minutes."

Kissing his wife's cheek, Yamada nodded. "That should be enough for a prerequisite visit. Show me where she is, Shin."

Nodding, Shin paused, recalling. "Oh yea, can you guys concoct a message to send to Komari's family that she's alive but…you know, not telling them she's alive because we're not alive?"

His brothers looked very puzzled but Jill gasped. "I live for writing riddles."

"I'll leave it in your capable hands then" Shin winked, starting to follow his father.

"How is she just out and about traveling by herself?" Yamada questioned as they went up the steps. "I thought that was a big no-no."

"Uh, she…got a little frustrated in her circumstances and took a long, impractical, but covert way to get here."

Yamada raised a brow as he knocked lightly on the door, "Ah, Komari, I, um, have someone I want you to meet and wants to check on you."

"Come in!"

Opening the door, he found Komari wearing a loose skirt and shirt, sitting on the side of the bed looking through a bag. She looked up and smiled, "Oh, you're Shin's dad."

Yamada smiled, nodding, "Yagami Yamada. It's a pleasure to meet you. Thank you for… being there for my son."

…Somehow it sounded a bit stunted, like his father wasn't actually that…grateful? What? Mama got it, Shin had needed her to survive as far as he had! Getting a bit aggravated, about to say 'they needed a moment', Komari suddenly tipped her head. "I'm a quitter."

…What? "Your son is a force to be reckoned with in situations I didn't see a possibility in. He kept pushing when I figured I'd either just be captured, raped, and murdered if I just didn't end it for myself right there. I'd have rather quit than let that be my end."

What was she talking about?! Yamada winced. What! "…I understand completely, that's…a very different set of circumstances due to gender. It…wasn't easy to hear from Shin but your perspective… that's a perspective I know of as well."

Really? Because Shin was confused now. Yamada walked over to her, "…Shin was in atrocious shape when he first got here. Medical negligence at BEST. Have you been examined?"

Komari shook her head to the negative. "I would like to take a look at all the incisions, if you don't mind. A transfemoral amputation is nothing I would just send you home with either."

"Fair…do you want me to take off the skirt?"

"If you don't mind."

She managed to work the band down and Shin finally realized his dad had probably seen a lot of other women beside his mom naked. The hell! However, Yamada looked completely unbothered and, in fact, looked back at him. "Would you like Shin to step out of the room?"

"Oh no, he's seen all of it and then some" she yawned, down to her underwear.

Yep…still special. Blushing as his dad raised a brow back at him, Shin drawled, "Y-You're funny, Yamada."

"What? Oh…oh yea, that's your last name" his dad shook his head.

"Oh yea, did Shin ever tell you when we first met, he thought you'd somehow joined the army without him knowing and was his roommate?"

Shin smirked at her as his father chuckled, opening his bag, "Well…I am capable of many things but I don't know if military duty is one of them. I probably did come off that crazy when he joined though."

Seriously. Yamada looked at what remained of her limb, murmuring, "You can feel my hands?"

"Mm."

Examining her other leg, his dad's face got a bit darker. "…Your knee is swollen and full of fluid as is your ankle. All they gave you were crutches?"

Komari nodded to confirm this as he shook his head, taking out his stethoscope. "Uncanny."

He did a general checkup and surprisingly drew some blood. "I'm going to drop these off to Matsushima and he can advise me of the results."

Shin frowned as his dad pulled out measuring tape and placed it at the base of her leg, rolling it down to the heel of her foot. Writing down something on his pad, he nodded, "I'll be back shortly."

"Thank you" Komari bowed.

"Of course, of course…take it easy though" he warned, "I don't like the damage your other leg is taking. If possible, allow Shin to help you down."

Komari glowered at him as his dad left, droning as she redressed, "Great, I get to play damsel in distress. Guess I'll get to play poor weak female again."

"Oh yea, you were real distressed and weak shooting people through the eyeball while I was carrying you" Shin said dryly, tucking his arms under her legs and supporting her back.

She snickered, holding his neck, "Careful, Yagami, might sweep a girl off her feet carrying her bridal style and all."

"You're silly" he snorted, walking toward the door. It…felt kind of weird and he felt terrible thinking that.

Nonetheless, Komari sighed softly, "…Yea, it's odd. Feels like something should be there, right?"

Something should be there.Komari stared down, drawling, "You know it still itches?"

"What?"

"My leg—the leg that's gone. Sometimes it still itches."

Shin wasn't certain what to say to that, swallowing as he approached the steps. "…Wherever we end up, Komari, I'll…I'll make sure you get what's right."

She raised a brow as he grunted, turning the corner. "Don't say anything down here, dad said don't let her walk and I'll fight all of you."

"What now?" Komari questioned.

"Oh no, and us without our rice to throw" Koji mock-gasped, standing in the kitchen.

Nelly started humming an off-key 'Here Comes the Bride' and Shin just stared at them through half-closed eyes. Komari cracked up, "As an only child, I have no grasp on the heckling but it's hilarious you gave a warning and you still got it."

"It's always in vain" he said monotonously.

The evil duo snickered as Jill entered with a glittery blue note pad and a black pen, "Okay, I think I've come up with the most sufficient way to tell Yamada-san's parents she's still alive without indicating we know either of you are alive."

Before he could respond, a side door that opened to the garage swung out and Tony entered…with a wheelchair. Oh no. "U-Uh-"

"If it's not too forward, Yamada-san, I wanted to offer this for you to use at least while you're here" Shaun said as he walked in behind Tony with the foot guards, "I got it for scrap parts to build something but it's not in too bad shape."

Komari groaned. "I…had hoped to avoid the wheelchair but my leg is killing me so I appreciate it and will accept the hospitality."

Thank God. Shaun put it together quickly and Shin relaxed her in the chair. The red leather was a bit nicked up and torn but it wasn't in the worst shape. Komari nodded, bowing her head, "Thank you all for your kindness."

"Of course!"

"Why don't you call your parents before we start dinner, dear?" Dana suggested, taking out a pitcher of juice, "I'm sure they're worried."

"That's a good idea…" Komari murmured.

Jill took out her cell phone, handing it to Komari. Komari dialed in her number slowly and Jill took it back, putting the phone on speaker.

"…Hello?" said a male voice.

"Ah, hello, um…my name is Yagami Jill. I believe your daughter was in a transport with my older brother. We have been putting together a memorial for him and he often mentioned your daughter from his previous deployment before. My family wished to extend an invitation to you."

Shin swallowed as the man was silent for a bit. Hopefully that didn't go over his head… "…That's very kind of you, thank you. The…information you have about Komari for…the memorial, it's okay?"

"You can provide more if you'd like but we assure it'll be fine."

"All right…is this in perhaps a day or so?"

"Um…perhaps three days?"

The man drawled, "…Maybe my wife and I will come a bit early. Tomorrow is too soon?"

Shin smiled as he saw the vein starting to kind of tick in Komari's temple. He mouthed to Jill 'two days'. Jill nodded, "Well, for the family's preparation, may I ask that you meet us in the middle at two days?"

"…Very well."

Jill proceeded to give Yamada Ginjiro the address. The man said solemnly, "Thank you again, Yagami-san."

"Thank you as well and my condolences, Yamada-san."

Jill clicked off as Komari kneaded her temples. "…Guess I better enjoy my break while I can then."

"Sorry, I tried" Jill pouted.

"Oh no, Sweetie, you did great! Thank you!" Komari gasped, waving her hands, "My dad's just crazy and is one third of the reason I ran away from home."

Shin patted Komari's shoulder, kissing Jill's forehead and murmuring 'thanks' to her. Pretending her brother was dead probably wasn't the most mentally stabilizing thing in the world. "It's probably for the best anyway, our cover might get blown."

His friend sighed deeply as she slowly rolled herself toward the table with everyone, a spot being made for her next to where he…might sit. His attendance at the table was pretty bad, actually. Smiling as his mama sat and gushed for them to 'dig in', he felt…pleased as his siblings chattered with Komari casually. Good…

…He meant it. He…he wasn't sure where he was going. That was a big problem. Just, wherever he went, if…if she was on board, he was going to take her with him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was Friday. Days had lost all meaning to him so it was difficult to keep up with them in terms of what day it actually was. Generally, he could only manage because Nelly took Koji's place on Saturdays. That would explain why Nelly was here, Koji was to leave and go back to school…

That was…entirely sweet of his siblings to stick around because he had an honored guest. They never were around on a Friday but they sat down to dinner and were pretty entertaining. After dinner, he thanked them. "Aww, shut all that shit up, Shin, we're not party crazy enough to be rude to people that helped you live" Koji scoffed.

Nice. All the same, he urged Nelly and Koji to go out and enjoy themselves. They probably hadn't gotten to hang out together in a while because of all this. He also assured the other trio it'd be just fine if they wanted to go along with their normal Friday antics, whatever that was now. They were reluctant but he pressed. He…he was still 'nii-san' and no matter what, he wanted them to live their lives and be happy.

As he was helping his mother clean up, his dad got back with a bag. He looked mildly aggravated. "…Your vitamin levels aren't where I would want them to be as a doctor but they're sufficient for now. If you'll be here a few days, I'll watch for the fluid in your joints to go down. If not, I'll do a small drainage to relieve the pressure. And it's nothing fancy, but this may also suffice until this mission is completed."

To all of their genuine shock, his dad removed a prosthetic leg. It looked like a cup on the end of a metal foot. Komari looked teary-eyed. Oh no, dad! "D-Dad, that's-" he started.

"I guess that's…that's going to be life now, huh?" Komari whispered.

God. Yamada's blue eyes softened, getting closer, "It's going to sound like the self-serving nonsense doctors say to patients to reassure them in vain, Komari-san, but I assure you, in your lifetime, you will have a new limb not made of metal or plastic. You have my word. In the meantime, I want you to keep being mobile and this is just one way to do it. You have other options but I don't want you straining yourself. You needn't be in additional pain."

"…Thank you."

Shin swallowed hard as his dad helped her put it on, strapping it on to what remained of her lost limb. Damn it. This… he walked over, holding out his hands to help her up. She stuck out her tongue, "I got this, you."

"Okay."

Locking the wheelchair, she pushed herself up on the arm rests and grimaced a bit before looking startled. "…Oh."

"You'll probably have to do some rehabilitation and training. It'll be foreign" Yamada explained.

"Yea, it is…" Komari drawled, taking a very small step before smiling, "…But I'll get it. Thank you so much."

She hugged his father and he just…wished. He wished for so much to be different.

Shin egged his parents to go out and do something fun together. It'd been too long. Dana scoffed, "You might as well just streak down the street with a blare horn if you expect your father and I going out to do something fun right now not raising all red flags."

Yamada snickered, patting his wife's shoulder, "We can go for a drive."

Also a good idea. They departed and Komari ambled a bit, grunting, "…Jeez, it's like I haven't had anything like two legs in my life."

"Don't overdo it…" he warned, going to the fridge and taking out two beers.

"Bitch-h-h, I'll be doing squats by tomorrow" she sang.

With a smirk, he followed her into the living room. Sitting, she gasped, "Oh my God, the knee bends!"

Just…the simple things, he guessed. Taking a seat beside her, handing her a bottle, he murmured, "…I don't want to be another Kasumi, Komari, but I…I don't know if I'll ever get past my part in this."

Komari just yawned. Special. "Shin…I was about to take those bullets to the back. How would you feel having had to bury me out in the desert?"

Shit. "…I guess I wouldn't be thinking about feeling guilty right now" he admitted, taking a swig. "I won't mention it anymore. I…I believe my dad's words."

"It's called phantom limb."

Eh? Shin raised a brow as she smiled some, "The itching or feeling like the leg is still there. I read about it in an encyclopedia we had sitting around because I was trying to figure out 'why'. Your mind…still is holding onto something being there that isn't."

…Shit. "And before I leave, Mr. Yagami, we're going to deal with getting you closer to at least ONE of your 'phantom limbs' and getting it back like your dad said I might get mine back one day."

"My mind?" he droned.

Swatting at him, Komari snickered, "No, doofus, I can't help you there."

… "I…I don't know if that 'limb' can come back that easily, Komari."

"You at least need to get laid, pal, those endorphins can get some surprising results. Is your absolute bombshell even remotely around?"

Shin shook his head, "…Nesha sent a letter of condolence to my family but it was from America. She said she wasn't coming back. Besides, it'd be…very strange to allow her into this circle of knowing. We were just, as shameful as it is to admit, fuck buddies…"

"Aww, sweetie, she at least cared a bit to send a condolence letter. A little strange, actually" Komari raised a brow, "Had you heard from her before?"

Shaking his head again to the negative, having not received one letter from her when he was at base, Komari looked a bit pensive. "Hmm. Weird."

Was it? He just…thought it was a sweet gesture. Granted, from what he did know of Nesha, that wasn't really her nature. He laughed. Komari blinked slowly at him, "What?"

"Sorry, was just thinking about how most women I've been with 'lately' are quite…terse."

"Maybe you just like them feisty" she teased.

Maybe. He…guessed she was a bit feisty at times. "I love you so much, Shin. I…I want you so bad…but I…I can't…can't have anything."

…Oh yea, what…what had that meant? Groaning internally, he kneaded his brow. He had…so much to think about. Komari drank the beer before gasping, "Oh my God, remember when we had sex?"

"Give me that beer."

"No!" she laughed, turning her body as he reached out for it, "No, dummy, I had completely forgot. Do you know how crazy that is? Do you know any friends that just had sex once and everything is still normal?"

Yea, honestly, in comparison to the other friend he had sex with, that was pretty weird. "I dunno, maybe I just wasn't on my A-game…"

Komari snorted, "Hey, I already told you I was like ten percent disappointed it was interrupted. I haven't wanted cock in a while."

"Just so damn special" Shin said, deadpan, "…Off the record, since we're 'normal', I'll admit you gave…pretty exceptional head."

"Aww, gee, thanks, bud. I had been self-conscious, I was super rusty with sucking a pipe."

Smirking, Shin shook his head as Komari yawned, curling into his side as she set her empty bottle aside. "…I love Kasumi. But she's going to drive me crazy and I don't think I should live like that. I guess you're right. After this is over, we'll…take a break."

Shin nodded softly. "…Either you'll realize you're better off without her or…distance will make the heart grow fonder."

…He guessed he was the latter.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"…I guess you'd be a cute couple."

Shin was eating lunch with his siblings the next day, his mom preparing sekihan rice and pickled daikon. He was sitting beside Komari in a corner so they wouldn't be too near the open blinds of the window. Why anyone would be in the back of their house, he had no idea, but, well, he was guilty of that with her on several occasions.

Komari had declared she had been the waitress at her dad's establishment before she joined the military, performing the ceremonial tea preparation for some guests. The idea of Komari doing something so steeped in tradition and…calm cracked him up. She huffed and declared she'd show him. For whatever reason, they did have the chasen whisk and chashaku scoop along with the bowls and powdered tea. Komari did a confusingly good job and now they were partaking…

While he had all intentions of moving them to a bed last night, he ended up dozing off with Komari again on the couch, snuggled up. Once, okay. Twice, his siblings were getting more and more suspicious and now his dear baby sister had declared this blasphemy. Shin blinked at her, the blonde young woman staring at them begrudgingly. "No. No, we would not."

"Maybe in another time and place but now? Nah" Komari agreed.

Would they have been a good couple in another time and place? Well…they did kind of balance each other. He did literally make it two months alone in a desert with her. Nelly was yawning, the miscreant having been out with Koji until about four in the morning. "Well, not to be too…blatant, but Shin has mentioned you're with someone."

Oops. Komari was unbothered, alas. "Oh yea, my girlfriend, Kasumi. We're not on good terms right now though, so if you know any chicks or dudes that aren't your brother, I may be on the rebound."

So special. Shaun apparently wasn't a fan of green tea but was attempting to be polite, sipping it very gingerly. However, he looked up with this remark, his face startled. "Eh? Both?"

"Yes, despite your brother's lesbian preferences, I am bisexual" she smiled coyly, petting Shin's hair.

Shin choked on his tea, hacking as Nelly coughed to hide a laugh, the younger looking puzzled. Just SPECIAL. His dear lovely mother who was well within hearing distance came over with some plates and a smirk. Flustering and leering at Komari, he drawled, "I…have no idea what you're talking about."

"Now you sound like dad" Nelly joked.

"And how" Dana snorted, setting the bowl of rice on the table.

What now? Komari giggled because she was crazy, declaring 'itedakimasu' as they dug in without delay, seemingly unbothered by her off the cuff declaration. Figures. Shaun was kind of quiet though. Hmm.

Later on, when he got back from school, Shin gave Koji another night off, indicating that Komari could just stay in his room with him. Koji had smiled and said he was starting to understand Kasumi's concerns. Bleh. "Really, I…I think I'm…"

…Was he okay? Or was he just okay because Komari was here? He still had dreams but… "Well, I think I still want you HERE but maybe we've progressed past you sleeping in the same room as me."

Koji nodded, "That's still progress though, Shin. I'm glad. And, seriously though? I know we discussed experiences changing people but you've been more like yourself since Komari got here. Or at least not so dejected. Sure she can't move in until this is over?"

"It'd be nice but I'm sure her dad will be here first thing in the morning…"

"You have such a cool family."

Presently, Shin was pulling on his pajamas as Komari lied in his bed, flipping through his channels. He tilted his head at her remark. "Yea, we're pretty laid back, I think."

"Ha, I thought us 'country folk' were but I am DREADING going back right now" she muttered, "Hopefully this is the last month. I've been watching the news but I haven't heard them make any moves."

Shin had been…slightly. He struggled seeing all the turmoil over there. He wasn't sure why though. No, not why in so much that he did care but 'what about it'. A weird…perhaps emotional and crazy part of himself thought he needed to still be there helping. That'd be…a hell of a conversation to have with his family after all this. Crashing into his spot beside her, he murmured, "Mari…do you ever think about what to do after this?"

"Like…?"

"Like…never mind. I still have other roads to cross like apparently I get to meet your dad tomorrow and Kasumi has probably advised I'm the reason you're missing a limb right now."

"Fuck-k-k that, Shin. I'll just casually walk out and save you the misery" Komari snarled, "…I love my dad but it's very easy for him to judge based off what has happened versus what really could have happened. I wouldn't accept him badmouthing you."

He supposed… "Well, if he doesn't lock you up, you're always welcome back."

"Might take you up on that" she yawned softly before giving him a look, "Make sure you open your doors to another person too in the meantime."

Rolling his eyes, he sighed softly. Open his doors…

Shin wandered around his room, a little…listless. He guessed…he did need a distraction.

Komari had been picked up around twelve the day before. As she said, she didn't allow anyone to come out with her or see her off. Putting on her gray oversized sweats again, leaning on one crutch but standing pretty solidly, she had bowed to them. "Thank you so much for your hospitality. And, really, don't let your son tell you otherwise but I owe him my life."

Again, hardly. His mom smiled, grasping her hands, "As I said, I thank you for being there beside him and having his back. Please, whether it's sneaking away or after this madness is over, you're always welcome."

"Yes" his dad had nodded, "And take it easy on those legs. Make sure you don't have any fluid retention in your limbs either."

"You've only been over that a bazillion times, dad" Koji smirked.

"Reinforcement never hurt" he groused.

Komari smiled, "No, I appreciate It, truly."

She had tapped her fist to his, nodding once, "…See you soon, Yagami. Either we'll be decommissioned or resigned. Or, if it takes another two months, I'm moving in. One or the other."

Shin had chuckled some, "Can't wait."

Like, seriously, could not wait. He…he was lost in every direction he looked now. Gazing out of the window toward the front of the house, he noticed Shaun pull up on Kamex with another motorcycle riding beside him. Shaun turned to sit outward on Kamex as a young blond fellow dismounted the other bike, facing Shaun. They appeared to be chatting…ugh, he was messing it up for the kids, they couldn't even have friends visit anymore.

However, before he could get sucked into another depression and loathing warp, he stared as whomever mystery blond was leaned over and kissed Shaun pretty passionately. Oh.

…Oh. Okay. That's right, he had actually suspected that to some degree from his first return from deployment. Just…okay.

Shin had to slowly walk away, walking to the left where Koji's wing started. Coming to the broody fellow's door, he found it open and his younger brother sitting at a desk, slumped over homework. Probably not a good time, but… "Uh…hey."

Koji looked up to him, his dark eyes half-closed, and said nothing. Oh no, temper mode. "Um, just…quick question, I won't bother you. Just…while I was away or MIA, did…certain siblings of ours perhaps…define some suspicions we may have had about them and clarified so I don't reveal anything too interpersonal that they haven't admitted to the family?"

"…What the hell are you talking about?" Koji questioned, wide-eyed and bewildered.

Yea, that was confusing. "Never mind. It doesn't matter, I just…didn't want to have missed something that might be important to them."

Koji leaned back, grabbing a bottle of water he had seated on the corner of the desk, before his brows suddenly quirked. "Oh-h-h, I see."

Hmm? Shaking his head to the negative, Koji took a drink and sighed, rasping, "Nah, he hasn't exactly told us anything but I have seen the person in question. I'm not sure it's a…strict attraction."

Now it was Shin's turn to be confused. "What…?"

"I've definitely seen way more than I want to but I…don't get the idea he's just going in that one direction which may be why he doesn't feel need to mention it" Koji shrugged.

Leaning against the door jamb, Shin's brows furrowed, "…You know, we said we'd be okay with it but…honestly, I don't know what dad or mom would think about it?"

"Mom definitely wouldn't have a problem…dad, I can't see him being cruel but I can't say I know his…biases" Koji drawled.

While Shin would hope his father didn't have such 'biases', he could definitely see some constructs from Wasaba not making that the easiest conversation. Biting his lip, Shin murmured, "Should…should we reiterate that we have his back or…?"

"Or. He's our baby brother who might be a little more fluid with his relationship options than we are" Koji shrugged again. "If he needs us to double down on that, of course, but having his back is there in all regards as long as it's not something stupid."

…Yes. "Um…any…of the other kids…?"

"Jill's got a boyfriend, I'm pretty sure, just haven't been able to catch the punk" the brunette scoffed, "I guess that's the downfall of our protective streak: she's hella secretive. I don't like it one bit but I'd rather know who the fucker is so I can go pop him a new one if he gives her problems. I already handled one nonromantic incident she completely failed to tell anyone about that would only piss you off so I'll spare you."

Ugh. "Fine. And…Tony isn't out two-timing anymore?"

"He is definitely of the polyamorous sort so he isn't hooking up with girls looking for boyfriends. Seems like he's grown up a lot because of you going missing."

…Great. Shin leaned his head back, staring up, before smiling some. "…I'm still missing. Something."

"Something, huh?"

Yes. "Life. Existence. Time…" he murmured, "…Maybe…maybe her."

Without remarking on that, Koji started to write again before he paused…then sighed. "…It is not the sound your soul needs right now."

"What?"

Koji leaned back, rubbing his brow, before he groaned and opened up a drawer. Shin was surprised when he pulled out a CD and handed it to him. What?

It was crazy but, he supposed it was the most nostalgic of feelings, his heart skipped a beat. "Is-Is this new Nirvana?"

"Mm."

No way. Shin stared at the CD, apparently a single, his pulse racing. "Oh-Oh my God, they went on without Kurt? Or-Or got together to do a new album?"

"No. It's from when Kurt was alive. His wife waited to release it now."

…Eight years later? "It's just one song" Koji explained before shooting him a look, "…Don't get addicted. Like I said, it's probably not good for you right now."

New Nirvana, his favorite band ever? He had wanted something to seal him back into what he once used to know or the good stuff! Shaking his head, Shin huffed and headed back to his room, "Maybe I'll consult with you later over my findings."

Koji chuckled. "Sure."

Excited wasn't even the word. New Nirvana. He hadn't even thought. Going to get his CD player, he eagerly sat on the bed and popped the disc into the tray, pressing 'play'. Folding his hands, finding himself smiling, he waited for something new but at least familiar.

I will never bother you. I will never promise to. I will never follow you. I will never bother you. Never say a word again, I will crawl away for good. I will move away from here; You won't be afraid to fear. No thought was put into this, I always knew it would come to this.

Things have never been so swell and I have never failed to fail.

Pain. Pain. Pain…you know you're right. You know you're right. You know you're right.

It's so warm and calm inside. I no longer have to hide. There's talk about someone else. Sterling silver begins to melt. Nothin' really bothers her; She just wants to love herself. I will move away from here; you won't be afraid to fear. No thought was put into this, I always knew it'd come to this.

Things have never been so swell and I have never failed to fail.

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. You know you're right…you know, you're right. You know, you're right. You know you're right. You know you're right. You know you're right. You know you're right. You know you're right. You know you're right. You know you're right. You know you're right. You know you're right. You know your rights. You know you're right. You know your rights. You know your rights. You know your rights. Pain…

Shin stared. Oh. Right.

Nostalgia…for another human being having something very muddled in their life that they weren't able to resolve before it was too late or they could find other answers. Shin stared into the distance at that purple aura that never left, trembling. No thought was put into this, I always knew it'd come to this.

Better to burn out than to fade away…smiling, Shin lied down in bed under his covers and played it on repeat a few times. Nostalgia…and something new.

…He finally understood Kurt.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"What the fuck did I say? Gimme that. Listen to some fucking Coldplay."

Shin wandered around his family's backyard, wearing a dark hoodie as his camouflage. It was about two in the morning. Keiba had called Koji and asked to take him out with their roommate, Domon, apparently thinking their friend was in the dumps. Koji had come to inform him and found him probably on his hundredth play through of "You Know, You're Right". His little brother confiscated Nirvana and replaced it with A Rush of Blood to the Head.

Okay, so, he begrudgingly listened to it…and as far as alternative pop went, it was…new. Not his favorite. He didn't hate it but he kind of hated Koji right now for taking Nirvana away for it. Annoyed, Shin decided to get some fresh air.

It'd been about three days since Komari went away. He had a nightmare last night that he was drowning in sand, suffocating, and surrounded with the dead bodies and vehicles he buried. Thus, his…calm was a fluke and he was still a mental disaster.

Gazing ahead, he saw the violet waves pulling him toward the little jungle of his childhood. It was more and more overgrown now as the traffic diminished but there was still an opening in the middle, where he had run after his fight with Koji. While he was prepared to ignore it again, he glanced over his shoulder. No one was home. His mom very reluctantly had to go handle something at a new shop she had just built and he insisted she go. He appreciated her promises….but someone had to live their life since it couldn't be him.

…He…never thought it'd come to this. He felt so numb. Even listening to his favorite group felt hollow in parts. Komari being here had been the most complete he'd felt in a long time. What…was he really missing? He walked into the fade again.

Shin froze. Sitting curled up on the ground in their hollow, hugging her knees, was Okamoto Lyla.

…His beautiful fairy angel always took his breath away. The monster showed up this time.

Holding his breath, he turned away. It…wasn't his favorite sound nor did he dislike it, but it stuck in his head and he…listened to it a few times.

A warning sign. I missed the good part then I realized. I started looking and the bubble burst. I started looking for excuses. Come on in. I've got to tell you what a state I'm in. I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones that I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is, I miss you. Yeah, the truth is that I miss you so…

A warning sign. It came back to haunt me, and I realized that you were an island and I passed you by when you were an island to discover…Come on in. I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in. I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones that I started looking for a warning sign…

When the truth is, I miss you. Yeah, the truth is that I miss you so…

"Koji…? Is that you?"

God…God, he…he hadn't heard her voice in over two years.

And I'm tired…I should not have let you go.

Truly trembling, he tried to walk away. She wouldn't understand who he was now. He didn't understand. Keeping his back to her, he…remained silent. What…what was there to say…?

"Are…are you okay? You usually don't come back here…"

Shin clenched his eyes shut as he felt her presence right behind him. God, what…what was this?

So, I crawl back into your open arms

Yes, I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms

"Koji-"

Shin breathed as her fingers slid against his palm, curling around his hand where his pulse thundered like a drum. It…felt like home. A home he wasn't welcome in any longer.

She was quiet, just grasping his hand as he didn't have the guts to even grip hers back. What did he do? Pretend to be Koji and play it off? He…he could.

Instead, everything around him just got dull as she very slowly walked around to face him. Her eyes looked tired now and her skin seemed phantom pale in the moonlight. She stared at him, the green eyes he loved even as a child unyielding.

"…Shin?" she barely said.

…God, he missed her so. "…Hey, Lai."

They stood in silence for a moment before Lyla shakily lifted her hands, pressing them to his cheeks. His scratches and burns had faded but scars still remained. Even his eyes were a darker shade of blue nowadays. Was this Shin? He reached up and grasped her small hand in his finally, closing his eyes. He…he wanted to be.

"I-I don't-"

Opening his eyes to look at her, he stiffened, shocked to find her face scrunched up in agony. "I-I don't—I don't un-under—I don't-!"

Oh no. Shin yelped as she started to hyperventilate, her hands gripping her chest as she fell to her knees. Oh no. "L-Lai, c-calm down-"

In the distance, he heard a light 'Lyla?'. Oh no. Also panicking, he quickly picked her up into his arms and crouched, stealthily checking the open back yard between their houses. Whomever had called wasn't visible…so he bolted for the deck door and quietly closed it behind them.

His heart broke as Lyla sobbed wretchedly, her arms wrapped around his neck. "Is this real? Is this real?"

He shyly hugged her waist as she wailed, "They kept saying you were missinga-and dead. They kept saying you were dead! Why did they keep saying that?!"

Shin grimaced as she almost had another panic attack, pulling her even closer and pressing his lips to her temple. "Lai-"

"A-All I could think w-was how you must've been-been suffering and-and I-I couldn't believe yo-you were gone an-and the-the last time we even spoke, I left you hating me and I-I couldn't accept it, but-!"

She was choking and gagging. Damn. Damn it. Shaking his head, he eased them to the floor, holding her as she just cried. "…I know the article said I went down in the water. I didn't. Our plane was shot down over the desert by the Zechs. Our…our tracking system was destroyed so I…I and a friend ended up wandering the desert for two months until we were found. Just…while I was out there, I found some concentration camps and-and the army wanted to utilize the information without revealing how it was attained. They sent us home and forced us to have everyone around us keep it secret. Thus, I've…I've not been able to tell anyone aside from my family I'm alive for months now. I'm…I'm so sorry, Lyla. I'm so sorry. I don't hate you. I…I never hated you."

Her completely red eyes stared at him miserably. Man, now she had a reason to hate him. Shin stared, startled, as she gingerly reached out to pet his hair. "…Is this really real?"

"…Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"…I think so."

Shakily sitting up on her haunches, she took a deep breath, rubbing her eyes as tears still fell. God, he felt awful. "Lai, I-I did mean to…to come to you, really. I thought…thought about you a whole lot while I was deployed and in the desert especially. I just…"

…Have issues. Not able to articulate the depth of his predicament, he looked down instead. Like he thought, he was intimidated by the mere concept of letting her down.

Lyla grasped his hand, resting it against her cheek. What? He stared as she tenderly kissed his palm, the skin of which spent days soaked in blood of people not too long ago. She didn't…understand. She wouldn't understand. He didn't…want her to.

Shin breathed as she leaned in and kissed his lips sweetly. Oh.

He closed his eyes as she kissed the corner of his mouth, returning to caress his lips with hers. He'd…been with several other women since he'd been with her. He…never felt…even close…

Embracing her, he returned the affections tenfold, pressing his lips to her jaw and cheek, kissing her devotedly, his heart racing,

Shin felt it and it scared him: something was okay now.

…Ugh. "Lai…they'll…they'll come looking for you" he whispered between kisses, "I…I can't get…found out, it's too…too risky."

His childhood best friend pulled away, looking at him solemnly. "…You're sending me away?"

"I don't want to" he insisted, shaking his head, "But…we both know your dad wouldn't exactly respect my mission right now if it got back to him, Lyla. I…I want you to stay, really, it's just…just too dangerous to what I need accomplished."

"…All right."

Lyla got to her feet, dusting off her skirt. He stood as well, a knot in his throat as he walked her to the front door. She quietly shut it behind her, not saying another word.

Looking at the barrier he wasn't allowed to cross right now, Shin finally smiled. Well…time to take some drugs to sleep. Maybe even take a few shots for good measure too, huh? Something left.

He walked around the house in circles for about thirty minutes with a glass of whiskey in his hand, sipping it gingerly before rinsing the cup and setting it in the sink. His mind was racing but it kept hitting a brick wall…or sand. Just a hell of a lot of sand.

With that, he headed for the stairs, getting up about…three when there was a faint knock at the door. Shin paused, alarmed. Oh crap, who was visiting at three in the morning?!

Turning to stare, however, he…felt that certain…something again. What?

…Against all good sense and the fact that this would be a helluva time to blow his cover, he walked back down the steps and peered into the peephole. Why he was surprised, even he couldn't say at any point, but he was shocked to see Lyla. Did…she change her mind?

Shin opened the door and she quickly entered…with a gigantic suitcase.

"…Um, Lyla?"

"Sorry, I had to wait until the maid fell asleep" she explained softly.

… "…Lyla, I…I don't think you understand" he said, honestly a tad flabbergasted.

The pink-haired woman blinked at him. "You said you wanted me to stay, Yagami Shin. I want to stay as well."

God, he hadn't heard the way she said his name like that in forever. Kind of…melting, he rapidly shook his head to harden up. "Lyla, your mom and dad will look for you. They'll track you over here. I-I promise, it won't be much longer and then I—I swear to you, Lyla, we will catch up and-and everything, okay?"

"So you don't want me here."

"Of course I want you here, Lai!" he protested in exasperation, "It's just-"

He inhaled when she kissed him lovingly. Lovingly. It felt loving and his resolve pretty much evaporated. Somewhere in his mind he heard a fiddle playing. Sealing this battle he apparently didn't have the skill to resolve, she stared at him pleadingly, "I promise you, Shin, I won't mess this up. But I can't be without you again. Not again."

…A rush of blood to the head indeed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

End Notes:

The song when Shin, Koji, and Nelly were in the car, trying to garner up the nerve to approach Lyla was Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. I dunno, the 90s was weird.

You Know You're Right was released like…eight years posthumously after Kurt Cobain killed himself. Which I wasn't actually aware of until I wrote this and explains to me why it was played so much in the early 2000s.

Koji gives Shin A Rush of Blood to the Head which was released by Coldplay in like, 2002. It's calmer music, sure, but I don't know if it's less…emotional. Warning Sign is a track off the album.