Freedom's Just Another Word

by snarcasm318

A/U: College is supposed to be their first taste of freedom, but for the last year Gail Peck had real freedom. Now she's back, within the grasp of her controlling parents, and forced to face the nightmares she's tried to leave behind. She's used to dealing with it alone, but does she have to?

29. Chapter 29

A/N: So I actually have another one of my 8-hour tests in just a few hours from when I'm posting this. And then a second one in about two weeks time. But I literally just finished the chapter and figured I had made you all wait long enough. Don't say I never gave you anything. Also let's not wait any longer shall we...

---

She ended up lying to the nurse, claiming to be Chris's sister. It was the only way to get information about him and to stop them from calling his emergency contact. Gail wasn't sure who would be listed, but whether it was his mother or Denise, she knew he wouldn't want either woman to see him like this. No, not the way she had seen him, his skin ashen, lips with a hint of blue, and chest barely moving. His hair long and shaggy enough to hit his eyes, the scruff on his face showing his ongoing disregard for his appearance. He had been a far cry from her giant puppy of a friend, always bounding through life with a smile on his face and a strong hug to follow up whatever stupidly positive advice he had to give. It had been months since she had really seen that version of him, months of him being unreliable, of snapping at the slightest provocation, the high and lows, being too "sick" to function in the morning and then wanting to party all night, being reckless enough to have an affair with their professor's wife...

Ugh, she had been so wrapped up in everything else going on that semester that she hadn't put it all together, hadn't paid enough attention to the obvious warning signs. Maybe her mother was right and she was too dense to see things that were right in front of her. But they had all missed it. All missed chance after chance to try to save their friend from himself.

She was the first one at the hospital, pacing the waiting room as she waited for the others to show. She didn't really doubt that they would soon follow. She had caught sight of her roommate coming out to investigate what was going on, but she had been too busy to deal with Chloe's questions at the time. So she had taken off and hoped that maybe Chloe could talk some sense into Dov when she went to him for an explanation of why there was an ambulance in front of their houses.

Gail finally stopped her nervous movements, slumping against a wall as she pulled out her phone. It was already blowing up with group messages. As expected, Chloe was gathering the troops, but she ignored those to open the last conversation she'd had with her girlfriend.

The "sweet dreams" message from the night before was taunting her. It hadn't been a good night, dreams so bitter that she could still taste them in the morning, the ineptitude, the entrapment, the frustration, and the feelings had just continued to build the rest of the day. But she hadn't told Holly any of it. Because she was tired of being the mess Holly had to clean up. And how did she explain to her everything that had happened? How did she explain to Holly or any of the others that it was her pills that Chris had taken and nearly killed himself with? That the only reason she went to confront him was because she had been looking for them herself.

"Ms. Diaz?" A woman in green scrubs and a white coat called out, causing her eyes to snap up from her phone. She pushed herself off the wall. "You're related to Christopher Diaz?"

"Yeah. That's me. He's my brother." Maybe it wasn't quite a lie. Chris had always been the guy that tried the hardest to befriend her. That's why him snapping on her had stung so badly. But they had all been flipping out on her. It seemed she brought out the worst in people. She didn't deserve their friendship. Maybe she never had.

"Well your brother is a very lucky man that you found him in time. Right now we have him sedated, he became rather combative when we were trying to evaluate him, but you should be able to see him soon. Any idea what he was doing earlier today?"

"No clue, he skipped class today. Said he wasn't feeling well."

"Has he been acting differently? Anything happen recently that he may be upset over?"

She knew the change in Chris had happened with the new semester. After his break-up with Denise and finding out that the child she was carrying wasn't his. It was something else that Gail was responsible for. She had been the one to uncover the truth and force it upon her friend. But him taking the oxy had to have been more recent. Sometime within the last few weeks. Probably after he asked her for money and she turned him down. Another strike.

But before she got too far down the rabbit hole, she could feel the expectant gaze of the resident doctor on her. Clearing her throat, she had to find her voice again. "He's been acting weird for a few months now. Some stuff happened, but we all thought he was handling it. Honestly, I don't know what's been going on in his head."

"Do you know where he got the pills from?"

It felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water down her back. She knew exactly where the pills came from, but there was no way in hell she could tell the doctor that they had been prescribed to her and instead of throwing them away months ago, she had kept them, had toyed with them time and again, but hadn't kept a close enough eye to prevent Chris from getting a hold of them. That her going over to his house to confront him was the only reason Chris had been found when he was.

So she lied.

"No idea."

"Alright, well we'll talk to him again when he's calmer but for now wait out here and his nurse will come by when you're allowed to see him."

"Thank you doctor."

The woman stepped away with a nod, off to see the next patient, and Gail returned her attention to her phone. She brought it back to life, swiping it open to the blank message to Holly. Her fingers stalled over the keyboard.

"Gail!" This time the blonde was greeted by the scared faces of two houses worth of her friends. Their makeshift family. And they were firing away questions faster than she could ever hope to answer them.

"Where is he?"

"What happened?"

"Can we see him?"

"What did the doctor say?"

"How did you know something was wrong?"

But it was Dov's anger that cut through the chatter, "It was your pills, wasn't it?"

Everyone froze, looking between the two blondes. Dov's barely contained rage cutting through the overwhelming guilt emanating off of Gail. It was smothering. It was only a few seconds, but Gail could feel the tension knotting her muscles even tighter, she felt like she could barely breathe with everyone's eyes on her.

She swallowed thickly, "I didn't give them to him."

"So he what? Stole them from you to kill himself?!"

"I don't know what he was thinking, Dov! Maybe he took them to sell. He was begging me for money earlier in the week."

"And why didn't you give him any?"

"I would've but he wouldn't tell me what he spent his on. He's been acting weird for months now and he had already borrowed from Traci."

"Well whatever it was, it probably didn't help that you turned your back on him and left him to his own devices."

The words cut deeply, but what should she have done? She knew something was wrong, felt it in her gut, she couldn't in good conscience give Chris the money without a better explanation. And they still didn't know what exactly had happened, wouldn't until Chris could tell them for himself. But the guilt she already felt knowing that it was her pills Chris used was enough to crush her, she didn't need Dov pissing on the remains.

"Gail didn't turn her back on Chris. And I'm sure that's not what started all this." Chloe spoke up. Her voice calm, but serious. There wasn't even a hint of a smile on Chloe's face.

"Really? You don't think being an asshole to him pushed him over the edge?!" Dov didn't even try to control his rage.

It was Frankie though who had noticed the way Gail pulled further into herself. She was beyond tired of watching everyone treat Gail like the enemy. "Hey fuck off, Pigeon. It's not Gail's fault that you didn't notice what was going on with your roommate."

"Frankie, that's not helping." Juliet said quietly but urgently as she noticed the way the nurses and other people in the waiting room were starting to look at them. It wouldn't take much to get the large group kicked out, so even though she didn't agree with Dov or his anger, she also really didn't want things to escalate.

"Neither is him being an asshole to Gail. She's not responsible for Chris any more than the rest of us. Clearly something was going on with him, but blaming her isn't going to fix it."

"Why are you even here? You barely know Chris, so what the hell do you care?" Dov turned his anger onto the senior girl.

"I don't." Frankie's disinterest in the younger guys wasn't exactly a well-kept secret. She had very little use for them herself, but she knew that her friends cared about them, as did Chloe, and that was enough of a reason for her to show up. So maybe she was overstepping her bounds, but she considered Gail a friend, and that was also enough motivation to not keep her mouth shut any longer. "But that doesn't give you the right to take out your anger on anyone else."

"Yeah, like you're one to talk. You're a raging bitch"

"All the time. That's just me. What's your excuse?"

Duncan cleared his throat, though it wasn't enough to stop the two from glaring at one another, "Dov, man, maybe you should go outside and cool down." For once, Gerald was the voice of reason.

Dov's jaw clenched as he looked around the group, concerned eyes looking back at him but no one stepping forward to back him up. He didn't say another word before storming out.

Chloe turned to her roommate, breaking the silence that followed in Dov's wake. "Hey, don't listen to him. He's just upset."

But it was the last straw. Gail couldn't take being around them any longer. In case being wanna-be cops wasn't enough, they all seemed to be playing judge and jury, and she was tired of being found guilty. Traci wouldn't even look at her at all. She was over being treated like shit by people who claimed to be her friends. She got enough of that by the people who were supposed to be her "family".

"Whatever, I'm done." Gail didn't look back as she took off, Steve's keys weighing heavily in her pocket, not stopping despite her friends' protests.

"Should one of us go after her?" Andy asked, their group now down three.

"Doesn't seem like she wants that." Nick answered. He remembered plenty of nights where his ex would storm off and it never ended well when he went chasing after her, not when she didn't want to be with him. She'd come back when she was ready. Or at least he hoped so, considering the last time he had seen her that upset she ended up leaving the country.

"Probably not, considering the way you all treat Gail like your personal punching bag." Frankie pointed out.

The rest of the group began to protest, but Frankie shot down their excuses quickly. "Anytime something happens, or anyone gets upset, everyone loves to get into it with Gail. And I didn't see any of you jumping in to stop Dov from being an asshole just now. Where were all of you today when Chris was overdosing huh? Why is it her fault?"

"It's not anybody's fault."

"Really? Do you think she feels that way after the little display we just had? Or that Epstein does?"

The entire group grew quiet, everyone's eyes focused on looking anywhere but at each other, as guilt overtook them.

"Maybe you should text Holly," Chloe suggested quietly.

Frankie sighed, deflating at the suggestion, "She'll probably want that even less."

Frankie knew that she didn't always want the people closest to her to see her when she was in a mood like that. If she were in the blonde's shoes she'd already be in a bar that no one else ever went to, drinking away whatever feelings had decided to accost her. And the last thing she would want was for someone to call Chloe and rat her ass out at a time like that.

"Someone has to look out for her," Chloe reasoned. If no one else could get close enough, she was sure Holly would be able to.

There wasn't really an argument around it, so Frankie pulled out her phone and looked up the contact she needed.

---

If Gail thought being in her brother's car was weird, being in his apartment without him was even weirder. It was neater than she expected, she suspected someone must have come by and cleaned up after he left. Probably her parents sending over their maid or maybe Steve's real girlfriend. But it was still such a bachelor pad. Leather sofas, big ass TV mounted on the wall, video games stacked high beside it. If she checked the fridge, she'd probably find his favorite beer covering an entire shelf. His shoes were piled near the door, under the jackets that still smelled of his cologne. She could barely step inside before being engulfed by the familiarity of her brother's things.

And just seeing it all and knowing that Steve wasn't there, that he might not be ever again, was too much. She collapsed against the solid door, barely registering the way her back scraped against the wood as she sank to the floor, the tears coming faster than she could stop them, wracking her body with gutless sobs.

She didn't know how long she sat there as her body let out everything she had been feeling. She could barely open her eyes from the swelling and breathing through her nose was a hopeless endeavour. She dragged her sleeves along her face, even in the isolation, she hated herself for being so weak. She rested her head against her knees, trying to reign it all back in.

But how was she supposed to do that? It felt like everything in her life had fallen apart, the pieces slipping through her fingers the harder she tried to hold on. Every step she had taken, every inch of progress she had made, getting swept out from under her. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was never supposed to be like this.

Gail startled at the sound of rapping on the door against her spine.

"Peckling?"

She'd recognize that voice anywhere, even if the name wasn't enough of a give-away. She scrambled to her feet, sucking in a deep breath before pulling the door open just enough to see her friend.

"Ollie, what are you doing here?" Her voice was hoarse and she wished she had just left the thick door between them to muffle it.

The smile on Oliver's face was soft. It stood out against the formality of his uniform. Hands resting on his hips, one arm touching his sidearm so that he always knew where it was. His body language screamed cop, but his face, that smile, that was all Oliver.

"Frankie texted, said you were upset and took off without telling anyone where you were going." He explained gently, rocking slightly on his feet as he waited out in the hallway awkwardly.

"How'd you know I'd be here?"

"Figured if you weren't with Holly, you wanted somewhere the others weren't, and I knew Steve left his key with you."

"Maybe you should go for D."

"Nah, I look better in blue, thank you very much. Wanna let me in so we can talk, darlin' ?"

"Got a warrant, officer?"

"Exigent circumstances." He pushed against the door, unsurprised when he found no resistance as his friend stepped back slightly to allow him in.

Gail snorted, but as she stepped aside she found a new interest playing with the end table that Steve always threw his keys on. Her fingers traced the chips and marks they had left behind. She couldn't look at Oliver and see his kind eyes, a kindness she didn't think she deserved.

Oliver gave her arm a small tug,"Come and sit down, we're going to chat for a bit," he explained as he navigated them towards the couch. He grabbed a seat, ignoring the biting discomfort of his utility belt, as he waited for Gail to settle in too. He had been on duty when he received the message from Frankie. Had to convince Officer Williams to let him take his lunch break early so he could find Gail. He was still treading on thin ice after his last unauthorized pitstop. But it was Gail and that reason alone made it worth the heat. He studied his friend, hating the way she curled up into herself, pillow tucked tightly to her abdomen, her face showing signs that she had been crying not long before he arrived. He loved Gail, and wished that he could protect her from the pain that the world seemed to constantly want to inflict upon her, wished that he protect her from the pain she inflicted upon herself. But since he couldn't do that, he would settle for at least being someone she could open up to.

"Alright, want to tell me what happened?"

Gail sat silently as she stared blankly at the couch, fixated on a point just by Oliver's shoulder. She bit at her lip to distract herself from the way her eyes were already welling up again. She didn't want to keep crying, especially not in front of anyone, not even Oliver. She tried to clear the lump from her throat, knowing that Oliver wouldn't leave without her talking. She wasn't sure if she wanted him to go or stay, a part of her wanting to be alone, she knew she deserved to be, but a part of her dreading it all the same.

"I never should have come back, Ollie. I ruin everything I touch." Words quiet, eyes down, she couldn't look at Oliver as she spoke.

"That's not true, darlin'."

"It is. I literally wreck lives and everyone knows it. I can't take care of myself let alone anyone else. What the fuck was I thinking coming back here?"

"You're not responsible for what happens to everyone else."

"Just myself? Well, we both know how well that went too."

"Sometimes things just happen, that's not on you. But we still have to deal with them. And that, kiddo, that's where your choices matter most."

"You've spent too much time with that wiccan of yours."

"She's a smart woman. But it was my therapist who really helped me figure that one out."

"Your what?!" Gail couldn't hide her surprise even if she wanted to.

"Come on, Peck, you didn't think they'd give me back these awesome duds if I hadn't gone to therapy."

"Yeah, but I figured you went like once and got cleared."

"That was the plan, turns out it helps sometimes to have someone to talk to who doesn't really know you. Someone who can help you sort some stuff out."

"I barely want to talk to the people I do know."

"Exactly! This is different. This is talking to someone who doesn't know you, who doesn't judge you for what you say."

"They're shrinks, Ollie, of course they're judging."

"Yeah, but not like that. You know what I mean. She listens, but-but it doesn't matter what I say, because my words don't affect her, you know?"

"Yeah, but you're forgetting that I don't really like people so…"

"I know, I know. But she's really good. She specializes in PTSD and helping people deal with shitty stuff. And I don't know she's good at not forcing you to do things you don't want to. I just think you'd probably like her is all."

"I doubt that."

"Hey" Oliver held his hands up in a conciliatory manner "therapy's not for everyone. But it's just a suggestion. It helps me deal with the nightmares and stuff. Well, that and having Celery there. She stuck by me through everything and it helps having someone like that."

"Mmhmmm."

He nudged his despondent friend, "But you also have to be willing to let someone like that be around. That's what relationships and friends are for, Peckling. They have your back even when you think you don't need it."

"You're talking about Holly."

"I'm talking about all of your friends."

Gail snorted, the incredulity taking over her features. "What friends? The losers you stuck me with. Because let me tell you something about those friends. Those friends blame me for everything that's happened this year."

"I'm talking about the friends who sent me a message because they were worried about you and knew that they had been acting out of hand. I'm talking about people who might surprise you if you give them the chance to get to know you."

"We've been living together for months."

"Yeah, and how much do they really know about you? How much have you actually told them?"

"They're going to think what they want to think. It's not my job to fix them or get them to stop acting like assholes."

"No, and you don't have to forgive them if you don't want to but life doesn't have to be so lonely. And yeah, I'm talking about Holly too. You deserve good things, and she's a good thing."

Gail sighed, pulling the pillow in her lap even closer to her body and wrapping herself around it. Of all people, Oliver was probably the one she guarded herself from the least but still, "I don't want to be a project girlfriend, Ollie."

"We're all projects. Nobody's perfect. But that doesn't mean we can't get some help trying to be better."

She blinked away the wetness gathering in her eyes, "I thought we were awesome."

"That we are, Peckster, that we are. But why those women put up with us, I'll never know."

Oliver glanced at his phone as a text arrived, he got up from the couch and headed towards the front door drawing Gail's attention and concern.

"Where are you going?" She definitely sounded more desperate than she wanted to.

"Food's here."

Gail sat back in relief. She assumed he had made the order on his way over, but that didn't explain why her girlfriend was on the other side of the door with a small smile, a tray containing three milkshakes, and few paper bags hanging from her hands.

"Special delivery." Holly held up her treats as she glanced across the room to where Gail was seated on the couch still wrapped tightly around a pillow.

Oliver beamed, "Hey kiddo, perfect timing! I was just on my way out."

"You're not staying?" Gail wasn't sure she was ready for Oliver to leave, or to face Holly, or to face Holly without an Oliver-sized buffer.

"Sorry darlings, I've got a city to serve and protect."

"Well luckily this is to-go. This is for you." Holly held out a bag and nodded towards one of the frozen drinks.

"You're a blessing, truly. Peck is a lucky lady." Oliver gave Holly a kiss on the cheek as he accepted his food.

"She ain't so bad herself." Holly winked, but Gail didn't even smile.

"Think about what I said my Petulant Peck and call if you need anything." Oliver shouted before making his way to the door.

Gail didn't say a word and she also didn't miss the fact that he leaned over and whispered something to Holly causing the brunette to nod before she locked the door after the officer left.

Holly took a breath before turning back to face the statue that oddly resembled her girlfriend. She crossed the room and started to set the food out on the coffee table.

"Hungry?"

But not even food was enough to get Gail to move from her place on the couch. She really wished she could just melt into the thing and not have to deal with every-or really anything. "Not really."

"Gail Peck not hungry?" Holly feigned shock "Well, I mean I guess there's a first time for everything. But are you really telling me you don't even want ice cream?" Holly held out a milkshake as she took over Oliver's spot.

Gail accepted the cup but pushed herself even further into the corner of the couch, putting a fair distance between herself and the kindness that naturally emanated off of Holly. She had her legs pulled up, bent at the knees, forming a wall with her body and now trusty pillow as she cradled the milkshake in her hands, her thumb picking idly at the straw. It was quiet in the otherwise empty apartment, surrounded by everything that was her brother.

She didn't want to, but Gail knew she had to be the one who broke the silence. Holly wouldn't force her to do something she didn't want. "Did they tell you?" She asked quietly, bracing herself for Holly's reaction.

Holly turned towards her and cocked her head to the side. "Tell me what?"

"What happened today."

"All Oliver told me was that you needed someone."

"And you came?"

"Of course I did."

"I don't need everyone talking about me. I'm not some tragic little girl who can't handle herself." Gail wasn't even sure where the outburst came from, but the sharp words were out of her mouth before she could think twice about it.

"I know that."

"Do you? Because every time something happens there you are, ready to swoop in and save the day. You can't save me from myself, Holly."

"I'm not trying to save you, Gail."

"No? Then what are you trying to do? What do you think you're going to accomplish here?"

Gail knew that she was lashing out at the wrong person and yet she couldn't stop the words from coming, couldn't pull back as the train was derailing. But she knew. She knew she wanted Holly there, didn't want to be alone, but she couldn't just say that, couldn't just tell the woman across from her that having her there mattered more to her than she could have ever realized and that it scared her. Because when Holly finally saw Gail for the mess she was, saw all the jagged edges and broken pieces that just couldn't fit together then she'd run and Gail would be left with even less than she started all this out with. So she pushed, and tried to take control of the hurt that she knew was coming.

But Holly wouldn't just take the damn bait. She wouldn't just walk away. No, she stayed, she waited, she let Gail throw as much of the hurt she was feeling her way, and she was still willing to take more of it, to do whatever she could to help take it away.

"I don't think you need to be saved. But yeah I'm going to be here when something happens because I care about you. But only if you want me to be. If you don't, then you can have your space too, I'm not...I'm not trying to smother you, Gail. I just don't think-I don't want you to feel like you're all alone if you don't want to be"

"Maybe being alone is what I deserve."

"What makes you think that?"

"I ruin everything around me."

"No you don't."

"No? What about Chris? I knew there was something wrong with him and I only made it worse."

"There was a lot more going on then just you not giving him money."

"Exactly, and I didn't do enough to help him. Just like I didn't do enough to protect Traci."

"You can't be there to protect everyone." Holly had said the same thing to the Pecks at the last family dinner, she had meant it then and she meant it now. Gail carried the burden of the world on her shoulders and refused to let anyone even see it.

"But I should be. They all blame me, Holly. They all hate me."

"They don't hate you."

"They should. Chris OD'ed on my pills. Mine. That's on me."

"Your pills? Your pain meds? The ones for your wrist?" Gail nodded, but Holly noticed that she couldn't bring herself to make eye contact again. "How'd he get a hold of them?"

Gail shrugged, she hadn't figured that part out yet. She remembered tossing them into the drawer in her room a few weeks back when Holly had come over and she hadn't wanted her to find them. And even though they had been on her mind she had been resisting the urge to use them. So they should've been where she had left them, but they hadn't been. That was how all of this started.

"Must've stolen them from my room when I wasn't there."

"It's not your fault that he took them."

"It's my fault that I had them."

"You got hurt, Gail. The doctor prescribed them to you. So that's not your fault, even though you never took any of them when your wrist was hurting."

"I didn't take them because they messed with my head. The...uhhh...nightmares...they made them worse." She still stumbled when she talked about her dreams, the ones that plagued her night after night. She moved on quickly. "And in case you forgot I was singing to a lamp the last time I used them."

"And you were afraid of elephants." Holly tried not to smile at the memory.

"Elephants?"

"Yep."

"No elaboration?"

"Very scary elephant. Pink. The size of a baby. Clearly formidable."

"I hate you."

The smile that graced Holly's lips was so fond, so soft and warm that Gail melted a little at the sight of it. Pure perfection in that crooked grin.

"No you don't." Holly said simply.

Gail almost smiled, almost, but the weight of the conversation they were having couldn't be held at bay for long. It came crashing back down upon her. "So yeah, that's why I didn't use them."

"Well it's still a good thing you figured out he had them when you did."

Gail sat silently. She couldn't bring herself to explain to her girlfriend how exactly she had figured that out. How did she explain everything that had been going through her head? Every dark thought that crossed her mind, every nagging voice that reminded her of her worthlessness, every failure that pulled her deeper? How did she explain how utterly hopeless she had felt? And how did she stop Holly from freaking out about it? She couldn't do it. Couldn't form the words, couldn't voice those thoughts aloud.

"I-I was scared, Holly." She said quietly, eyes still downcast. It was hard for her to admit even that because Pecks didn't get scared. It wasn't in the manual. But this was Holly and Holly wasn't the Pecks. She was kind, and caring, and good. She was soft curves, genuine smiles, and warm hugs. She was everything the Pecks weren't. "Really scared. I thought-I thought I was too late. We could've lost Chris today."

Holly hurt just hearing the way Gail's voice broke over the words. She slid over, finally bridging the gap between them. She moved the melting ice cream from Gail's hands, placing it on the floor. The pillow was next go. Gail still wouldn't look at her, but she also offered no resistance, so Holly did what she did best and she pulled Gail closer. She was still figuring out her girlfriend's moods, when touching was good, when it was necessary, and when it was completely unwanted. She felt Gail collapse into her, her hands coming up to grip tightly at the back of her shirt. Yeah, she had guessed right.

"I know, honey, I know. But you didn't. He's still here."

"Thank you." Gail's thick words were muffled against Holly's shoulder.

"You don't have to thank me. I meant what I said, Gail. I want to be here. I want to be with you as long as you want me to be."

Gail nodded, it was so much easier to believe the words when she had Holly there. When she could feel how solid she was. How real. When she could hear the sincerity in Holly's words, and feel how much she cared in her actions. Gail didn't trust people. She didn't, couldn't, not after being raised the way she was. But Holly wasn't people, and she kept proving it time and time again.

Gail shifted, pushing Holly back and letting her own body settle against her on the small couch, legs tangled as her head rested on Holly's chest. They were quiet for awhile, Holly's fingers gently scratching against her scalp the way they always did, soothing her as much as the steady rhythm of Holly's heartbeat did.

"Why are boobs so comfy?" She wondered out loud as she slipped her fingers between the ones of Holly's unoccupied hand. She could feel the laugh bubbling up in Holly's chest, causing her new pillow to shake slightly. She didn't need to look up to know that there would be a crooked smile on her girlfriend's face.

"Estrogen."

Gail snorted a laugh and pressed her weight even further into the other woman. It felt good being wrapped up in Holly. She focused on the way their hands fit so well together. Pale contrasting with the tan that still clung to Holly's skin despite months of winter. This was something she had never imagined happening. Something she didn't think she had wanted to happen. Finding someone who could make her feel the way she did. Safe. She felt safe, despite being in Toronto. A place that hadn't felt safe for years.

"I shouldn't be here."

"I don't think Steve will mind."

"No, I mean Toronto. I had been free of this shithole and now I'm stuck here, fucking everything up."

"Gail…"

"I know what you're going to say, Hol. But it's true. It's what I do best."

Holly wanted to disagree, but she didn't have the words, not ones that Gail would believe just then. She was too caught up in her own head, and Holly would reassure her over and over again if she needed it but she knew the words just weren't sinking in.

So she asked a question that had been on her mind for awhile. "Why'd you come back?"

"What?"

"We talk about your trip all the time, you've told me about why you left and most of the places you've been to. But you've never once mentioned what brought you back. If you were happy, then why didn't you just stay abroad?"

Gail sighed. "I didn't have much of a choice. It took my parents five days to find me, Holls, and I'm willing to bet they didn't even notice I was gone for at least three of them. I was using cash so they couldn't track me, had ditched my phone. I still don't know how….." She trailed off remembering that regardless of how fast she ran, the Pecks were always one step behind her. "No matter where I went, I always got a phone call or a letter reminding me that I wasn't far enough away. When I didn't turn up for the school year Steve convinced them to give me a year away, a chance to let things blow over and not be so fresh. But they tried to cut me off financially, even from some of my own money, I made enough to get by but then they figured out a way to cut me off entirely unless I came home. So a couple of weeks before the start of the school year, I stopped running."

It was ironic really.

"They were able to do that?"

Somehow even knowing the Pecks as well as she did, Holly still had a hard time imagining the lengths they would go to to get what they wanted. And what they wanted most was to control their children's lives, creating perfect prodigy. Steve followed the line. Being friends with him it was easy to see them as helicopter parents, keeping a close eye and having high standards, but nothing too extreme. But then seeing the way they treated Gail, who wanted nothing but to be herself, and the way they constantly cut her down and tried to force her into a box that she was too good to be in. She realized that their version of caring was borderline abusive.

"How do you think I ended up doing a major I hated? That was one of the stupid stipulations they came up with. I only get to do Languages if I maintain a 4.0 in Justice. Although I guess now it doesn't matter anymore."

"Why wouldn't it matter?"

Gail cursed her stupid mouth. The words had just slipped out, all the bitterness and frustration coming to a boil when she thought about the flaming hoops the Pecks were constantly making her jump through. But she had't told Holly about any of it yet, not about her mother showing up to the bar, not about the conversation or ultimatum, she definitely hadn't said a word about how screwed she was. Only now her stupid mouth had said a few stupid words, so she had Holly's attention and something was stopping her from just lying. Maybe it was the exhaustion.

"Elaine stopped by work to tell me that I'm cut off entirely from the Pecks, unless I step into line. That includes my college fund."

"Can they do that?

"Unfortunately."

"But you're already doing what they want. Your grades are perfect."

But Gail didn't say anything, she just stared at their joined hands. She had let her parents dictate most aspects of her life. Even at her most rebellious she always caved. Money had been a big factor, but wanting their approval, wanting their love had been the biggest. It had been enough to get her back to a city she couldn't wait to get out of. To go to college and do a major she didn't choose and to continue down the path they set for her. She had been willing to give up Europe, her major, her choices, her freedom. But she couldn't-she wouldn't give this up. She wouldn't give up Holly for them.

Holly was too smart not to realize what the silence meant. "They did it because of me."

"They did it because they need to have a stranglehold on my life and guarantee my misery."

"I didn't take your parents for homophobes."

"I don't know if they are or if they're just Holly-phobes. They really liked you, like wanted-to-make-you-a-Peck levels of like. So I think they're disappointed that you picked the wrong one."

Holly pulled their joined hands up, brushing a kiss against the back of Gail's. "You're the only Peck I'd ever choose."

"Well I'd hope so considering you're a lesbian. That only leaves Elaine as your other option."

Holly pinched her side playfully. "I mean it, Gail, I'd pick you a thousand times. You're nothing like your family. You're so much better than them."

But Gail was worried that she was more like them than she wanted to be. Those words though she managed to keep to herself.

The silence returned as both women got lost in their own thoughts. Holly's hand continued to run along the short strands of Gail's hair, rubbing along the base of her neck, her shoulders, before looping back up. Gail continued to lay there, counting Holly's breaths, trying to match them with her own.

"So what are we going to do?" Holly finally asked.

We. It had a nice ring to it. "I don't know. I just don't want to think about it right now. I don't want to think at all right now."

"Well, we could always defile your brother's home."

"Can we just-can we just sit here for a bit. I just need the world to stop spinning for a little while."

"Sure," Holly pressed a kiss to the top of the blonde mop tucked under her chin "we can definitely do that."

---

"So much for a drama free senior year." Juliet commented dryly as the two older girls dragged tired limbs through the threshold of their house. When they had made the promise to each other that summer they had never imagined how far off they would be.

"Told you we shouldn't have let freshmen move in." Frankie commented dryly as she headed straight for the liquor cabinet. She poured a glass of whiskey out for each of them, adding ice before clinking glasses. They each took a sip of the burning liquid. It had been a long night in the hospital, and tensions had remained high long after Gail vanished. Dov had eventually returned, but he continued to glare daggers at her, and even though she bristled at the younger guy, she had been restrained by the others and the circumstances. They hadn't been able to see Chris that night before visiting hours ended, but he was stable and the nurses told them they could try again tomorrow….in smaller groups.

"We needed the rent." Juliet pointed out as they grabbed a couple of stools.

"And everyone hates us." Frankie swirled her drink before taking another sip.

"Yeah," Juliet laughed despite herself. "Everyone hates us."

It wasn't funny, or at least it shouldn't have been. But Juliet's laugh became infectious and Frankie found herself joining in. They both laughed until they were wiping tears from their eyes and holding their sides.

The laughing ended when a flurry of red hair came stomping into the house and right past them into the kitchen.

"Hey Chloe." Juliet said but there was no cheery voice returning the greeting. Odd.

Nick came in just behind his little buddy. He walked over to give his girlfriend a kiss and a small nod in Frankie's direction as he settled beside Juliet.

"Hey babe. What's up with Chloe?" Juliet kept her voice low.

But Nick just shrugged. "Don't know. She was trying to cheer everyone up in the car and when we got back, but then all of sudden she just gave up, and got quiet, then she came over here."

His friend was never quiet and it had made him nervous so he had followed Chloe from his own house when she had taken off from the rest of the gang. But she had ignored him every time he had called out to her.

They could hear Chloe muttering as cabinets and drawers were slammed. The two seniors exchanged a look with the junior. All three were at a loss.

"You okay, Chlo?" Juliet tried again.

But the only response was the sound of pots and pans crashing. Juliet could see the concern in Frankie's eyes as she looked in the direction of the noise.

"Maybe you should try."

This wasn't in Frankie's wheelhouse. She wasn't good with emotions, not her own, or other people's. But she still felt a pull in her gut thinking that Chloe was upset. So she nodded and braced herself.

Juliet clasped her friend on the shoulder, taking her glass and boyfriend up to her room to give the two women some privacy.

Frankie took a deep breath and polished off her own drink before heading into the danger zone.

"Hey, Chloe, whatcha doing?"

"Everything's a mess."

"Well yeah, Muppet, you just dumped like every pot and pan we own on the floor."

And that was when the tears started flowing.

"Hey, hey, come here." Frankie was quick to pull Chloe towards her, wrapping the younger girl in a tight embrace.

"Everything's a mess. Chris. Traci. Andy. Gail. Everyone's hurting so badly and I don't know how to fix it." Chloe spoke the words into Frankie's shoulder, her tears dampening the fabric there.

Frankie pressed a small kiss to Chloe's temple. "It's okay, they'll get through this. All of you'll get through this. You guys have each other and us."

"What about Gail?"

"What about her?"

"She won't answer her phone." Chloe's fingers tangled into the softness of Frankie's shirt. She twisted and untwisted the cloth. "I'm worried about her. She doesn't have anyone and she keeps isolating herself."

"Not everyone deals with stuff the same way, Chlo."

"Yeah, but she should know that people care about her. Dov shouldn't have been blaming her like that."

Frankie let go, holding Chloe back at arm's length. Her hands moved from the freshman's shoulders, up to her cheeks. She wiped the remnants of tears there. "I know that. But if you think so too then why'd you tell me to lay off?"

"Because Dov is hurting too and fighting with each other isn't going to fix it."

"He still shouldn't have been allowed to say those things to her. Everyone just lets people walk all over Gail and act like it's her job to take it."

"Yeah, I know. I'll talk to him when he's calmer." Chloe sighed. She wasn't looking forward to mending that bridge between the friends. Dov and Gail sniped at each other on a good day. But deep down, she was sure they cared about one another a lot. They were just shit at showing it, kinda like siblings. And just like family they took out their anger and frustrations on the people closest to them. "Did you text Holly?"

Frankie let go and moved over to where she left the liquor bottle on the breakfast bar. She poured out two fingers of whiskey, then thought better of it and added a third. "No, I sent Oliver over."

She handed the glass to Chloe, who accepted the drink and took a sip, the burning causing her already slightly puffy eyes to squint as her face twisted up. Frankie couldn't help but smile slightly at the adorableness.

Chloe coughed, mentally damning the fact that being a college kid meant buying cheap ass booze. "Oliver?" She choked out.

Frankie took a sip from the bottle. "Trust me, if anyone can get Peck to talk it's Oliver. And he'll let Holly know."

"You know that she barely sleeps anymore."

"She has two majors and works a lot."

"She has a lot of nightmares." Chloe swirled the liquid around in the glass as she leaned against the counter. "I wonder what they're about."

Frankie knew. She knew exactly what they were about. But she had made Holly a promise and she couldn't break it, not even for Chloe. "I doubt she wants to talk about it. Just give Gail some space and make her some cookies or some muffins and I'm sure she'll be fine."

Chloe perked up. "Oh, I can make gran's banana-chocolate-chip muffins."

Frankie watched in amazement at the way Chloe's mood brightened as she started to go about gathering things for the recipe. It wasn't long before the music started and Chloe's hips were swaying to the beat as she sang the wrong lyrics. And when Chloe looked over her shoulder and smiled at her, Frankie realized that maybe she wasn't as bad at this thing as she thought.

---

"Hey Roomie."

Gail brushed past Chloe and headed into the lecture hall. She paused just inside the doorway. She could see where all their friends were sitting, where one was conspicuously missing. The empty seat beside Dov taunted her, even as both Traci and Andy waved her over. She ignored them and headed to the opposite side, heading as far to the back as she could get. She grabbed a seat, not even bothering to pull out her computer, and closed her eyes.

She didn't want to be there at all, but Holly had convinced her to go against her better judgment. The med student wouldn't accept her excuses that it didn't matter if she went anymore since she wasn't going to be able to afford school for much longer. And in her opinion, the brunette had cheated considering it was really hard to say no to a pouting, mostly naked Holly, who was promising that things would work out and then kissing her deeply enough to make Gail almost believe her.

Almost.

She heard the chair beside her squeak, as someone dropped into it. She kept her eyes closed, knowing exactly who it was.

"Go away, Princess."

"Muffin?"

"I know you and Anderson refuse to label what you two are, but maybe you should save the pet names for her."

"Banana-chocolate-chip. Gran's famous recipe."

Gail cracked one eye open and reached into the box that was being presented to her. It would be a criminal offense for her to ignore free food. The sweetness melted in her mouth. Her roommate could be persistent and perky and annoying as all hell, but damn it the girl had a way in the kitchen.

"Mmm. You need to keep these coming. Today is going to be an eat-my-feelings kind of day."

Chloe waited until her roommate was fully engaged with the treats before asking, "So how long are you going to stay away from everyone?"

"I slept somewhere else for one night, you miss me that much already?"

"Of course I do. We all do."

"Pfft. Yeah right."

"It was a bad day."

"Right, cause it was just peachy for me. I'm the one who found him. He almost died right in front of me."

"I know, and it's not an excuse but that's why people were saying things they didn't mean."

"Well, those people can tell me that themselves."

Chloe sighed, loudly. Gail was one of the most stubborn people she had ever met. "We're going to visit Chris after classes today, you should come with us."

"Nope."

"Gail."

"I have class, and the clinic, and then work, Princess. I'm sure he won't even miss me. He will however miss out on these muffins," Gail swiped the box from her roommate's hands.

"But…"

Luckily for Gail their professor arrived and she had a legitimate excuse to ignore her roommate.

---

She pounded on the door in front of her. She knew she needed to get to the other side. She couldn't remember why or what she was looking for, but whatever it was laid just on the other side. She slammed her fist against the wood, it didn't budge. She did it again and again. Nothing. She threw her weight against the door until finally the door splintered. She stepped in. There was nothing. Not a single thing in the room. Just darkness. An emptiness that she could feel rush through her. She turned to go back and there he was, lying on the floor. She tried to reach him but she slipped. Her feet sliding over pills, thousands of pills. They kept spilling out in front of her, covering the ground between them, and she couldn't get up, couldn't get to him. She needed to get to him before it was too late.

"Gail...Gail...Gail!"

She snapped awake, her heart was pounding, and she blinked a few times as she tried to figure out where she was. Her neck hurt and her arm was numb from lying on it. She rubbed at her eyes. All the seats around her were empty, except the one just beside her.

"Hey, wakey wakey." Waverly offered a smile that was brighter than the lights in the classroom. It physically hurt Gail to look directly at it. "Class is over. You slept through the whole thing. The prof is pissed."

"She can join the club." Gail grumbled.

"You feeling alright? You like never sleep in this class. It's kinda hard, you know, with all the talking and language learning."

"Yeah, well, I'm tired."

"Clearly. Maybe your girlfriend should take it a little easier on you, eh?"

Gail didn't say anything as she packed up her bag. She liked Waverly on most days, but right then she wasn't really in the mood for small talk. She hurried out of the room before she could get pulled into any more of it.

"Was it something I said?" Waverly asked aloud to the empty room.

---

"You sure you have to work tonight?" Holly asked as she pressed Gail against the driver's door of the blonde's temporary car. They had already finished their shift at the clinic, but Holly had gotten used to spending quality time with her girlfriend on Tuesday afternoons.

Gail's hands fell to Holly's hips and she tried to pull her even closer, despite their bodies already being pressed together. "Unfortunately. Charlie is letting me pick up some extra hours, even though it's not a normal shift. I can't exactly say no."

Holly pressed a quick kiss to Gail's lips. "Do you have time to eat before work?"

"I've been eating all day, which reminds me that I have one muffin left."

"Chloe make them?" Gail nodded. "Only one left?"

"Saved it just for you, Nerd."

Holly smiled and gave her another kiss, this one lasting slightly longer. Gail Peck saving food for anyone was an act of kindness that deserved some acknowledgement. "And how many did you eat today?"

"Numbers are such fickle creatures."

"Mmhmm." Holly rolled her eyes. "Promise me you'll have a real meal today too. Something with protein and vegetables preferably."

"I promise to try." Gail caught Holly's lips again before they could protest the half-promise. She could feel the smile against her lips before Holly was kissing her back, a low moan emanating from the back of her throat as she felt Holly's tongue against her own.

She really hated herself for having to go to work. A lot. But she needed the money. She pushed Holly back slightly, reluctantly parting them.

"If you keep kissing me like that, I'm not going to make it to work."

"That's kind of the point." Holly reasoned as she brushed Gail's growing hair out of her eyes.

"I can't be your sugar-momma if I'm broke."

"I certainly like the sugar aspect of that." Another quick kiss and then Holly pulled away completely. "Have a good shift."

"Thanks, have fun studying."

"Those two things don't really go together."

"They do when it's you, Nerd. Who are you kidding?" Gail stole one more kiss before getting in the driver's seat. She handed Holly the box with the lone muffin before starting up her engine. "Later."

Holly watched as her girlfriend drove off before heading over to her own car.

"Holly, hey."

Holly glanced up to see the new social worker waving to her. LauraLee was a welcomed addition to the staff after all the drama with Dr. Santana and the previous one. She had a bright smile and a natural warmth that made it easy for people to want to talk to her. And she seemed to genuinely care about helping the kids and their families. Holly found that it was easy to mirror her wide smile.

"Hey LauraLee."

"Thanks for your help with Parker today."

"No problem, he's a good kid."

"You're great with the kids here. Are you going to go into Pediatrics?"

"Maybe," Holly shrugged. The truth was that she knew it wasn't the right field for her. Too many sad cases. And way too many anxious parents. She much preferred the work she did at the lab, but she was way too early in her med school career to make that decision. Even though it felt like everyone around her already knew what they wanted to do. "It's still a little too soon to say."

"Fair enough." LauraLee hesitated, her fingers nervously fidgeting with her keys. "Ummm...Can I ask you something? It's uhh not related to the clinic."

"Sure. What's up?"

"You're friends with Frankie, right?"

"Most of the time," Holly joked. "Why?"

"I was just wondering if her phone is working. She umm said her number was still the same, but I just wanted to make sure."

"Yeah, ummm, I know she's been dealing with a lot of stuff. You know, senior year. And uhh midterms. So maybe she just hasn't been checking it." Holly nervously adjusted her glasses. She felt uncomfortable lying, but considering Frankie was refusing to tell her what the deal was with LauraLee, she also didn't want to throw her friend under any buses. Frankie had a tendency to do that to herself, so it's not like she needed any help from Holly in that regard.

"Yeah, right, of course. Thanks, umm, I should let you get going."

LauraLee was about to take off for her own car on the other side of the parking lot, but Holly couldn't help her natural curiosity. "Wait. Can I ask how you and Frankie know each other?"

"She didn't tell you."

"She's been pretty quiet lately."

LauraLee nodded, a small smile tugging at her lips. She wasn't surprised. Frankie had always been guarded, always kept her feelings and thoughts to herself. She had a feeling she knew why but she had never had the chance to confirm it. Still, Holly was looking at her with her head cocked, clearly expecting an answer.

"We grew up together. But we haven't talked in years. I was just hoping to catch up with an old friend, seeing as how I don't know many people here."

"Right, well I'll let her know you were looking for her."

"Thanks. Have a good night."

"You too."

Yeah, Holly was going to let Frankie know alright. Now that she had another piece of the puzzle, she was even more curious about the real story behind Frankie and LauraLee's "friendship." But it was a mystery she would save for another night.

---

Gail found herself returning to Steve's apartment after her shift. Reasoning that since he wasn't using it anyway, then someone might as well. There was still no word from her brother and his handler was still scrambling to find him. Oliver promised they were doing everything they could, but that the higher-ups didn't want to end the operation entirely, trusting that Steve was not only alive but had managed to get in with the gang's inner circle. At least until proven otherwise. She was pretty sure they were basing that more on their last name than any sort of real evidence. But Oliver promised to keep her in the loop and she trusted Oliver. There was nothing she could do but wait and she found it easier to wait in the empty apartment than her hostile house. She had always found comfort in changing scenery.

She walked through the door and immediately went to the kitchen. She rifled through the cabinets and fridge looking for whatever was edible. She found one of those crappy microwavable dinners that she knew were the only things Steve was capable of cooking for himself. It had both protein and a vegetable. She sent a picture of the box to Holly as she popped it into the microwave and waited for it to heat up.

It had been a quiet night at the Lucky Penny and she was beyond grateful for it. Midterms had a tendency to do that to the bar that was normally packed with University students. And her own group of miscreants never showed. She knew they had gone to see Chris at the hospital. She had gotten a text from Chloe updating her that he was awake but not really talking to anyone. He couldn't leave the hospital for at least a few days. Gail hadn't responded to any of the messages and she was glad that none of them had gone to find her. She didn't know what to say. She was glad Chris was alive, but she was still beyond pissed, even if it was (mostly) at herself. But more than anything she felt guilty. She wasn't sure she could face him, so she avoided, like the mature, rational 20 year old she was.

Her phone lit up with a new message.

Nerd Champion: :-/ how about I bring you some real food?

She was tempted. She was really tempted to take the med student up on the offer. But as usual the crises never waited for convenient times and she had already kept Holly awake for most of the night before. She wanted Holly to focus on school and she couldn't do that if she was constantly trying to fix things for her. She wouldn't be the reason Holly didn't succeed.

Officer Danger: You and I both know that's not what I'm going to want to eat ;)

Okay, so maybe Gail wasn't completely innocent either.

Nerd Champion: You're incorrigible

Followed by

Nerd Champion: But I wouldn't be complaining

Gail smiled to herself.

Officer Danger: Of course you wouldn't be

Officer Danger: But you will be if you don't ace your next test

Nerd Champion: You're a tease

Gail dropped her phone and grabbed the food as soon as the microwave started beeping at her. She pulled out her computer from her bag. She still had tabs open to both her bank account and to airline tickets. Clearly, a productive day in her classes. She was supposed to be working on midterms like all of her peers and yet she found herself spending more time picking random places in the world that she hasn't been to and seeing how far her money could get her. Rent and living expenses ate up a big portion of her income. And it didn't help that she was still recuperating from the losses of her last European adventure. She knew the next step was financial aid but that was based on her parent's income too, which meant that she wouldn't qualify for government aid. And even if she did, her parents would see to it that she never got the money. Then there were private options but she'd be in debt the rest of her life for a degree she didn't even want or need. Basically she was not only up shit's creek without a paddle but there was a hole in the boat and raccoons had eaten her life vest.

Gail closed the computer and tossed her garbage. She found a deck of playing cards on Steve's counter and dealt out a hand of solitaire. Sure, she was supposed to be studying, but then again when had she ever done anything she was supposed to? The simplicity of the game, combined with the quiet of the apartment gave her a chance to practice some of the meditation exercises she was always hearing about in yoga. It kinda worked. She was dealing out her second game when there was a soft knock on the door.

"Your order, miss." Holly offered a bag with food in it and one of her patented smiles.

Gail tried to not smile, but she failed miserably. She couldn't help it, her nerdy girlfriend had that effect on her. "How much do I owe you?"

"At least one kiss."

Gail grabbed a hold of Holly's green jacket and pulled her through the doorway, connecting their lips in a long, slow kiss.

"No tip?" Holly breathlessly asked the second their lips parted.

Gail smiled again, sometimes it felt like the only time she did that anymore was when she was around the med student. Because Holly had a way of making Gail feel safe and good and...and happy? Maybe this was what happiness was. Maybe it was what it could be if Gail let it.

She leaned in for another kiss, one that pulled Holly even further into the apartment until Gail was pressing her backwards causing the door to slam shut under her. Gail fumbled with the lock, refusing to pull away long enough to do it properly. Her hands quickly busied themselves with finding Holly's hips, one slipping to the back of a thigh as she pulled it up over her own hip before pushing forward again, the other slipping up and under Holly's shirt to the warm skin there. She moved to Holly's back to pull her forward again. Her hands easily traversing familiar curves. She knew Holly's body well, had mapped it out time and again, but it still gave her a thrill every time she had Holly like this, utterly hers.

"Did you get a new job and forget to tell me about it?" Gail asked as she peppered kisses along Holly's jaw and down her neck.

Holly had dropped the food along the way, but the added freedom gave her the ability to thread one hand into short blonde locks encouraging the way Gail's lips and teeth teased the sensitive skin on her neck. The other wrapped around slender shoulders to hold Gail as close as possible.

"Maybe. How am I doing?"

"Hottest delivery person I've ever had."

Holly laughed, loud and bright.

"What?"

"I feel like this is the set-up for a really bad porno."

"If by bad you mean really, really good porn, I couldn't agree more."

"So I guess it's a good thing I came over."

Gail pulled back far enough to actually look at Holly. The brunette's eyes reluctantly opened when she felt her girlfriend stop.

"You know it's not that I didn't want you here, right? I just...It's late, and you should be in bed."

Despite how serious Gail was being, Holly couldn't help but move forward to kiss her again. She ended it with a small bite. "Hmmm...you might be right. We should get to bed."

But Gail didn't budge, the guilt of Holly being awake because of her, again, taking hold. "You know what I mean. You should be in bed...sleeping."

Holly's hands moved back up to Gail's cheeks, her thumbs brushing along the defined cheekbones. "It's Tuesday." She told her quietly, hands and words gentle and slow, a stark contrast to only a few minutes before. "Maybe I just missed hanging out with you."

"It was Tuesday. Which is why you should be sleeping."

"For someone so anxious about getting me into bed, you are certainly dragging your heels."

Gail finally let go, pulling away completely to pick the bag of food off the floor. She brought it over to the kitchen. She came back to find Holly still standing in the hallway, waiting for her.

"What's going on, Gail? Am I doing something wrong?"

"It's not you. I'm glad you're here but I'm crap at sleeping, Holls. You know that. I don't want to keep you up all night. Again. I wasn't even going to try for a couple more hours."

Holly closed the distance between them, her hands finding Gail's hips this time. "Which is why I'm here to make it worth going to bed. Or are you saying you don't want me?"

"That's not a real question. I always want you. But you have to be tired."

"I'm not. But if you're tired, that's okay. We don't have to do anything."

"You came all the way over here."

"Without any expectations except to see you."

Holly always seemed to say exactly what she needed to hear. But it wasn't an act. It wasn't like the guys in the past who only ever said things that they thought she wanted to hear. No, these were things that Holly meant, or she wouldn't say them. And that...well, that was probably the biggest turn-on Gail could think of.

Gail surged forward into a bruising kiss, one that Holly was more than happy to reciprocate. They stumbled through the apartment, not willing to separate long enough to see where they were going until Gail's legs were connecting with the couch and the two girls were tumbling down.

"That was really smooth, Danger." Holly said between kisses.

"Always am." Gail commented as she reached for the bottom of Holly's shirt. Holly was quick to help and then her own was joining Holly's on the floor. With those out of the way their lips went back to work.

And it was good. Really good. Even if there wasn't much room on the couch to maneuver. Still what could be better than a half-naked Holly? Well, a fully naked Holly would be better so Gail's hands moved to the button of her jeans and tried to get those to go too, pushing at Holly's hips to force them down causing the taller girl to laugh and kick them off before stripping Gail of hers too. It had only taken a minute before both of them were down to just their underwear but even that seemed to be too long and their lips were meeting in kisses that were hard, and hot, and more than a little sloppy. Still it felt good.

Mostly.

Gail wanted to focus on the way Holly's lips were moving along her neck, hitting all the spots she loved. And she wanted to be thinking about how smooth Holly's skin was under her hands and the noises she was making when Gail ran her nails along her back. But she just couldn't get past the discomfort of the couch under her or how small it was, making her back twinge from the angle they were at. But adjusting would mean stopping and that was something she definitely didn't want.

Holly's foot slipped and she barely caught herself. She pulled back from the canvas of pale skin and adjusted her crooked glasses. "Is this working for you?"

"Not really. No." Gail answered honestly, picking herself up slightly and bracing her body on her elbows. She was still trying to catch her breath.

"Why is Steve's couch so uncomfortable?"

"My brother has horrible taste in furniture."

"Guest room?"

"Definitely."

Holly stood and pulled Gail up with her. Gail was thankful once again for the only smart decision her brother had ever made. Getting a second bedroom was a luxury that Gail planned to put really good use to.

---

Gail tried. She really did. There was absolutely no part of her that wanted to leave the warm bed, or the naked body beside her. But she couldn't sleep. Couldn't even bring herself to really try. She'd already had one nightmare that day and she knew more would follow. And even with the exertion of the previous hour, it wasn't enough to get her to close her eyes. She could feel Holly beside her, the steady rise and fall of her breath. They weren't exactly cuddling, but Holly was pressed closely to her, her smooth skin soft along her side. And it was calming in a way that Gail had never expected to enjoy. But the more nights she spent sharing a bed with Holly, the more she was craving it on the nights she was forced to be alone. It was strange. She had never thought of herself as the settling down type, had never thought about the forevers, there were no white dresses in her dreams, or picket fences in her future. But this level of domesticity, of having someone to come home to at night, well, it wasn't the worst thing she had ever experienced.

Still, even the comfort of Holly wasn't enough to get her restless mind to quiet enough for her to sleep. She did her best to slip silently from the bed. She was just on the edge when she felt the body she had left behind begin to stir.

"Still can't sleep?" Holly's voice was low, her words slow and thick with sleep.

"Told you it would be a bad night."

Holly sat up and shifted over until she was behind the seated blonde. Her chin dropped to Gail's shoulder and one of her hands slid along her side. "Maybe I just need to try a little harder."

Gail's head dropped back onto Holly's shoulder as she felt the hand Holly had on her ribs, slide down along her stomach until it landed along the top of her thigh, teasing the skin there with featherlight touches.

"You need to get some sleep."

"So do you."

"This doesn't feel like trying to go to sleep."

Holly pressed a kiss just below her ear. "No? Then what does it feel like?"

Holly's hand moved further down and Gail gasped, her body arching back into Holly's and hips canting up. "Fuck."

"That would be the plan, yes. But I'm pretty sure that's not an adjective."

"Shut up." Gail turned enough to catch Holly's lips. Her body reacting faster than she wanted, but she was still worked up from before and Holly seemed to know it, moving purposefully to stoke the fire already building up inside of Gail. It didn't take long to send Gail crashing hard over that edge again, her body falling limply back towards the bed, easily manipulated by Holly so that they could both lay more comfortably.

"Better?" Holly asked, moving back towards her side of the bed and giving Gail's body time to calm down at its own pace.

"I don't think I could walk away even if I want to now." Her eyes were still closed, the exhaustion finally taking hold, her mind blissfully wiped.

"Good." Holly pressed a kiss to her temple. She turned over, more than ready to get back to sleep while she still could.

Gail curled up behind Holly, pulling her body flush against hers. "Thank you."

Holly smiled to herself, enjoying the unexpected embrace. "Goodnight, Danger."

"G'night." Gail mumbled, sleep finally claiming her completely.

---

The alarm went off sooner than any person who had spent most of the night having sex would like. Twenty year old bodies or not.

"If you love me at all, you'll turn that damn thing off." Gail grumbled into the skin of Holly's bare shoulder, where she was still wrapped around the other woman as the big spoon.

Holly was already reaching for her phone, but froze as Gail's words registered in her mind. She was still half-asleep but she was fairly certain she had heard Gail drop the "L" word, and for once she didn't mean lesbian.

"Don't make me find Steve's gun and shoot it" Gail growled as the noise continued to assault her ears.

The cantankerous words got Holly moving again. She finally grabbed her phone and clicked it to shut the damn thing up.

"Hostile."

As much as she didn't want to, Holly pulled out of the warm embrace. She had to search the apartment for her clothes but once she was dressed she stopped back in to check on her sleeping girlfriend and say good-bye. Her hand gently brushed through the wild blonde hairs that were sticking up at odd ends.

"Where you going?" Gail mumbled into the pillow that she had wrapped herself around once her personal heater had left.

"Lab."

"Hmph. Too early."

"I know, honey, but I need to go check on my samples."

"Fine." Gail sighed, her words were slowing, her voice deepening as sleep tried to reclaim her. "Have fun, babe."

"Do you just call me babe?" Holly's smirk growing with her amusement.

"Shhhh. Sleeping. Go away now."

"Sure, babe, get some sleep."

Holly shook her head. It was already a strange morning. She was halfway to the door when she heard, "No kiss?"

She was quick to retrace her steps, closing the gap in seconds. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to the pouty lips of the sleepy blonde. "My bad."

"Mmhmm." After Gail was satisfied with her kiss she pulled the blanket around her tighter. She still hadn't opened her eyes once. "Text?"

"Of course."

Holly started to head out but she looked back at her sleeping girlfriend one more time. It really was a hard sight to leave. Gail might not have meant anything by the half-baked comment about loving her. It was just a word afterall. But the blonde was closer to the truth than Holly thinks she realizes. Even if she wasn't there yet, she was well on her way to it. But those were deep thoughts and there was work to do, so Holly reluctantly headed out at an hour when even the sun was barely awake enough to keep her company.

---

"Peck, where the hell is Nash?" Charlie shouted from the kitchen area where food was piling up.

"No clue, didn't know it was my turn to babysit." Gail sassed as she poured out drinks for the growing crowd at the bar. She lined the shot glasses together and pulled off some theatrics that had the boys whooping and hollering, looking for some Coyote Ugly type shit. Sometimes it was just too easy to collect money from college dude-bros.

"Stop being a wise ass."

"My ass is what keeps putting dollars in that register of yours, Boss."

"Well, I hope it can bounce because you're going to be out on it if you keep it up. And if you don't find Nash."

"We're really not a packaged deal."

"It wasn't a suggestion."

Gail bit back the snotty response she wanted to give, but she needed the job and Charlie really was good about working with her to give her as many hours as she could manage. But she still wasn't in the mood to go play Where's Waldo with her housemate. She had been staying at Steve's house all week, steadfastly avoiding all the people she lived with or next to. She however, was not avoiding Holly, who was crashing in the apartment with her most nights. She smiled to herself just thinking about the med student.

Deciding that time was money, she had to stop daydreaming about her girlfriend and find Traci. A quick glance around the dining room, and then Gail headed over to the girl's bathroom, but there was no sign of the other girl. She headed towards the storage rooms. It took two tries but eventually she found Traci curled up between large crates of alcohol.

"Trace, what the hell are you doing back here? Our boss is ready to fire me because you vanished."

She could hear the sniffling, but it was the haunted look in Traci's eyes when the young waitress looked up at her that really sent a shiver down Gail's spine. She knew that look. Had seen it in the mirror after the nightmares left her wrecked and wondering what was real and what was just her own mind playing tricks on her.

Gail immediately dropped down beside her friend. "What happened?"

"A customer grabbed my arm to get my attention and I didn't expect it and I don't know I just freaked out. I was back in the house and I couldn't breathe and I just...I just needed to get away. I don't know what's wrong with me, Gail. I know he's in jail but I still just keep seeing him everywhere."

"Hey." Gail tentatively reached out to touch the other girl's shoulder, trying not to freak her out more. But Traci immediately pushed into the blonde's side and Gail didn't hesitate to wrap her arms around her friend. "There is nothing wrong with you or with being scared."

"I'm sorry, Gail. For the other night, for blaming you, and starting problems. You hadn't done anything wrong. I was the one that was too stupid to listen."

"Trace, you weren't stupid and none of this was your fault."

"But how did you know about Corey? I've been wracking my brain and I just didn't see it."

Gail swallowed. Both Holly and Oliver had encouraged her to open up more. But this was something she didn't want to talk about. She'd be happy never talking about it again. Still, there was something so desperate in the way Traci asked, like if she could just make sense of what happened then it wouldn't keep torturing her. Gail didn't know if it would help, but sometimes people just needed to know that they weren't alone. She took a deep breath and tried to ignore the nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"I-It...It wasn't the first time I dealt with….someone like that...and the last time….well it didn't go so well for me."

Traci startled, "What? When was this?" There was a fierceness in her voice like she wanted to protect Gail from whatever it was, even though it had already happened.

"Long before I met you."

"Gail, I'm s-"

But Gail was quick to cut off her apologies. "Don't worry about it. It's over."

"Do you….do you still think about it? Does it get easier to forget?" Traci asked, there was too much hope in her voice.

Gail didn't want to lie, but she also didn't want to be the one who made any of the burden worse. She silently hoped it wasn't as bad for Traci as it still was for her. "Sometimes. But you don't have to bottle it all up. Maybe you should try talking to someone."

"Did you?"

"Had to. No choice."

"The Pecks." Gail nodded, and Traci sighed, staring off at the crates around them. "Did it help?"

"I don't know. But everyone's different. There's umm this person that Oliver had to talk to after he got attacked so he could be cleared for work. He said she wasn't bad at all. I can give you her number."

"Do you think...I mean...I know it's a lot to ask and I've been horrible to you lately but would you...would you be willing to go with me? I don't think I can do this alone and I don't really want the others to know and worry anymore than they already do. I could umm I mean, I know I don't deserve it, not after the way I've been acting, but I could umm really use a friend there."

"Yeah, just let me know when the appointment is." For some reason, this was always the easier part for Gail. Doing something to help out the people she cared about. She sucked with words, but actions, no matter how small, were just so much simpler.

Traci pulled her into a hug, and for once Gail actually hugged back. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it. And if you could not mention what we talked about to the others..."

"I won't, I promise." Traci told her solemnly.

Gail hoped she meant it. But now that the words were out there, she couldn't take them back. Only time would tell if Oliver was right.

"Alright, let's get back before Charlie really does fire us this time." Gail stood and held her hands out to help pull Traci up.

"Won't last. We're his only employees half the time."

"And we're his best employees all the time."

"Hell yeah."

The two girls were still laughing as they headed back into the crowded bar, much to their boss's annoyance.

---

Frankie laid in her bed, staring blankly at the computer screen in front of her. She was supposed to be writing some paper about something, but not only did she not give a shit about it, she didn't even care that it was worth 20% of her grade. Her phone buzzed beside her and she glanced down at the screen, seeing the "Drinks tonight?" under LauraLee's name before the screen went back to black. She didn't even bother swiping it open.

The can of worms had been opened and as hard as she tried, she couldn't close it again. She knew what LauraLee wanted. Well, she knew what she deserved. But Frankie didn't want to face all of that hurt she caused. LauraLee was the first girl's heart she ever broke. Frankie had been vicious, saying and doing things she wished she never had. Because if it was bad being the corrupted preacher's daughter in her town, being the one to corrupt her had to have been worse. But LauraLee had faced it all with a smile on her face. Had braved the rumors and backlash. The only time Frankie remembered seeing it fade was when she had ended things in the worst possible way she could think of. And it was then that Frankie realized just how good she was at breaking the hearts of the people in her life, especially the people she didn't deserve.

Frankie tried to push the thoughts away. Reading and re-reading the assignment in front of her. Her fingers ghosted over her keyboard. So far all she had was her name, and even that was mocking her.

There was a rap on her doorframe and she looked up to find Chloe leaning there.

"Hey"

"Hey".

Frankie closed the useless computer that housed the paper that just wouldn't write itself in favor of admiring the way Chloe's jeans seemed to hug her hips perfectly, her eyes drawn to the small sliver of skin revealed every time the redhead swayed against the doorframe.

"So I've got a question for you?"

"Okay?" Frankie mentally braced herself, watching carefully as Chloe sauntered her way into her room.

Chloe climbed up to straddle Frankie's hips. "Is this seat taken?"

"Not at the moment." Frankie shifted slightly, redistributing Chloe's weight to be more comfortable and stop pinching at her sides. "Was that your question?"

"Mhmm." Chloe leaned down and kissed the older girl, pressing her harder into her mattress. "How's your day going?"

"That's a second question." Chloe playfully pinched her side. Frankie sighed. "Shitty."

So Chloe leaned down and kissed her again. "Still?"

"Maybe a little less shitty."

Another kiss. "Only a little?"

Frankie sat up to meet her, enjoying the banter but hating every time their lips separated. "Just a smidge."

"Hmmm...sounds like you could use a pick me up." Chloe's lips whispered the words against the skin of Frankie's neck, teeth lightly grazing the muscles there.

"Couldn't hurt to try."

The phone buzzed beside them, the message from before lighting up and catching Chloe's eye. She picked up the phone. "Who's LauraLee?"

Frankie felt her stomach drop, her jaw clenching tight. She didn't say anything.

"Well she wants to grab drinks, you probably shouldn't keep her waiting." Chloe tossed the phone down, letting it hit Frankie in the sternum. She climbed off the bed and hurried out of the room.

And stupid Frankie hesitated. She should've just told Chloe the truth, told her that LauraLee was just someone from her past who wanted to catch up. She should've caught hold of her before she even stepped foot outside of her door. She should've called out or done something, anything, to stop her. But she choked, and by the time Frankie finally came to her senses and tried to catch up it was too late. She was left with nothing but the sight of Chloe's taillights taking off down the street.

Frankie banged her head against the open doorframe, "Stupid, stupid, stupid."

---

"Hey, how long has she been here?"

"All afternoon." Waverly said as she handed over the confiscated keys from the fishbowl behind the bar to Holly.

"Has she been drinking with anyone?" Holly glanced around the crowded bar for her friend and for whatever bad decision she was about to make.

Waverly pointed over to a booth that was easily in her line of sight from the bar. "Just Nicole who gave me your number. I was going to text Gail but she mentioned that she was pulling extra shifts whenever she can"

"Alright, I'll go get her off your hands. Should I take Nicole too?"

"No!" Waverly shook her head quickly, then blushed at her outburst, "No, ummm….Nicole can stay, you know, if she wants. I can drive her after my shift ends and if she's giving you any trouble you can feel free to send her my way."

If Holly wasn't so concerned about Frankie, she would probably be amused by the bartender. "Right. Thanks again Waverly."

Holly walked over to the booth, hands firmly planted on her hips as she looked at the two women and the empty glasses filling up most of the table between them "Alright, what the hell did you two get yourselves into now?"

"Dude you dimed me out to Holly?" Frankie hissed at Nicole.

Nicole was slumped along the entire seat, she brightened when she saw Holly. "You should try the peppermint shots, Holl-star, it's like drinking Christmas."

"Sure, Nic. Maybe later." With the way Frankie was glaring daggers at her drinking companion, Holly figured it would probably be a good idea to rescue her. "Hey Nicole, I'm pretty sure Waverly's looking for you."

It was kind of hilarious how quickly the gangly limbed redhead scampered out of the booth and over to the bar.

"Narc!" Frankie shouted at her as she left.

Holly grab a seat on the now vacated bench. She looked over at her friend, who was steadfastly refusing to look back at her. "So besides corrupting Nicole, what are you doing Frankie?"

Frankie just shrugged and finished whatever shot was left on the table. "Corrupting people is what I do best. I'm just living up to my reputation."

"What did you do now?"

"Why do you always assume the worst about me?"

"Because I know you." Frankie actually looked hurt by the comment and it made Holly feel a little bad about the jest. "I'm kidding Frankie. But we have been friends long enough for me to know that when you pick a random bar and don't tell anyone where you're going that you are usually looking for trouble."

"Trouble finds me even when I'm not looking for it." Frankie grumbled morosely, sinking further into her seat.

"Like LauraLee."

Frankie's eyes shot up at the name. "What about her?"

"She was asking about you at the clinic. Asked me if your phone was working."

"And what did you say?"

"Asked why she needed to know."

"And?"

"She just said to talk to you. Clearly she doesn't know that's impossible even when you do answer your phone."

Frankie glared the best she could even though the alcohol was starting to make the room a lot less steady. She pointed accusatorily, "You do know that you're supposed to be the nice one, right?"

"Says who?"

"Everyone."

"Well maybe I'm not feeling particularly nice when I get called to pick you up once again from a bar because you've….well, I still don't know what you've done yet but I'm going to assume it involves Chloe."

"I fucked up."

"This is my surprised face." Holly deadpanned.

"Can you seriously fucking not do that judgmental thing right now? I need non-judgemental Holly. Call her if you have to."

Maybe the lack of sleep really was getting to Holly. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Her voice softened, "Fine, this is a judgement free zone. What exactly happened with Chloe?"

Frankie eyed her warily until Holly did that head tilt thing she always did when she wanted someone to talk. It worked like a charm. "She came into my room and things were good and then she saw a text from LauraLee asking me to grab drinks with her and she got pissed."

"And what did you do?"

"Nothing."

"And when you say nothing you literally mean it, don't you?" Frankie nodded. "So you let Chloe assume the worst and I'm guessing she's not talking to you now, which is something you kinda deserve."

Frankie groaned and covered her face, she hated when her friend was right. It was far more often than she would ever admit. But it was also why Holly was one of the few people she actually asked for advice from.

"What am I supposed to do, Holls?"

"You could try using your head, Frankie. That's that lump that's three feet above your ass." Holly suggested.

Frankie threw a napkin at her face in response.

Holly caught it easily. "Just talk to her."

"But what am I supposed to say?" Frankie was whining and she knew it. And if she hadn't been drinking all day, she would probably care more. But at some point along the way, she ran out of fucks to give.

"You could tell her who LauraLee is."

"She's…." But Frankie didn't know how to put it into words. Didn't really want to put it into words, if she was being honest. She didn't want to go back to that place again. That time. To explain who LauraLee was, meant explaining who Frankie had been. And that was a person that Frankie was honestly, painfully, ashamed of.

"Your ex," Holly supplied.

Frankie startled, "How do you know that?"

"For starters, she's female so there's a 97% chance that, straight or not, that you two have hooked up. And since she's not straight that upped the percentage to 99."

"There's still 1%."

"That's for error and for me."

"Aw I wouldn't call you a mistake, Holls. You just couldn't handle me. It worked out better this way." Frankie playfully patted Holly's hand.

"The way I remember it, I turned you down."

"Maybe you should get that memory thing looked at."

Holly rolled her eyes, but she wasn't going to let Frankie distract her from the point of their conversation for long. "You've never talked about her."

"There's nothing to talk about." There was a lot to talk about. Too much to talk about. But Frankie just couldn't bring herself to have the conversation. Not even with Holly.

"If that was true, then you wouldn't have froze when Chloe asked about her. You would've answered me the first time I asked you about her. And you definitely wouldn't be sitting here, drinking, to avoid talking about her."

"I'm not avoiding."

"You are. I just don't know what exactly it is you're avoiding yet."

"I just...there's...she's...fuck!" Frankie dropped her head to table and resumed banging her head against hard objects.

Holly reached over the table, "Stop that before you give yourself a TBI."

Frankie slumped down further in her seat, but at least she wasn't scrambling her brain cells. "A coma would be nice right about now." She muttered.

"You're not being the least bit dramatic huh?"

"Nope."

"Right." Holly rolled her eyes, again. Different approach time. "You know I never realized it before, but it seems you do have a type."

"You said it yourself, my type is female."

"Mmmhmm but it's more than that."

"I think it's safe to say I don't have a type. You've seen the girls I've been with. They're all different." That was one thing no one could argue about with Frankie. She enjoyed women in any way, any shape, and every form.

"I'm talking about the ones you actually have feelings for."

"I don't have those pesky things. Haven't you heard? I'm soulless."

"We both know that's not true. Or you wouldn't be here drinking and feeling sorry for yourself. But yeah you definitely have a type. Very upbeat type. Happy. Amazing smiles. Genuinely care about other people."

Frankie made a sound like a wounded animal, but Holly ignored her.

"I mean I thought Chloe was kind of a one-off. You know, something different for you. But it seems that she's not that different from your...childhood girlfriend? Was LauraLee the first girl you dated?"

"Maybe." Frankie sighed, she picked up an empty glass, and peered into it. Wishing it was full. She looked over at the bar to see if she could get Waverly's attention but the bartender was too busy with Nicole. This is what she got for being friends with a narc.

"And things ended badly."

"That's putting it mildly."

"But why not just tell Chloe that?"

"She's better off without me. I'm just going to hurt her too."

"Like you hurt LauraLee." Holly didn't need Frankie to answer to know she was right. That all of this was just confirming all of Frankie's fears about her feelings for Chloe. "And yet she still wants to talk to you."

"She wants answers."

"And probably closure. Maybe it's time you got some too."

"I was scared and mean and did horrible things." Frankie admitted. She didn't deserve closure.

"You were young."

"I had sex with dudes, Holly. Boys with penises and pretended to enjoy it, to want it." Frankie's lip turned up in disgust just remembering those days. When she had tried to block out the rumors about her sexuality by replacing them with stories of her promiscuity. It was high school, and she was the token preacher's daughter in that small town of hers. Rumors about her ran far and wide. So she hid in plain sight. Her parents forbade her from dating at all. And yet, sneaking around with guys somehow got them off her back after getting caught sneaking around with a girl. The hypocrisy wasn't lost on her, even then.

"You're not exactly the first lesbian to do that, Frankie."

"I let her deal with all the shitty people on her own. But even worse, in case all that wasn't enough, I purposefully hurt her. I said things that I knew would. I wanted to hurt her."

"Why?"

"I was hurting. My family...they're….they're not like yours. Me being gay it wasn't something they could accept. They..." Frankie remembered the fear that rooted itself deep within her when she was still living in that house. The looks, the words, the threats, the damn Sunday sermons about how inherently wrong she was. "But she wouldn't give up until I gave her a reason to. So I did."

The words, new fractured bits of a story that Holly had only ever heard pieces of, hit Holly hard for some reason that went beyond just sympathy for her friend. She tried not to dwell on it. "And it worked?"

"In spades. She graduated that year and never came back."

"So a couple weeks ago was the first time you've seen her in…"

"Six years."

"Wow."

"Yep."

"And?"

"And what?"

"And how does it feel now?"

"It feels like…" Like Frankie would rather eat glass than discuss her feelings. Especially because she had no idea what it was she was feeling when it came to seeing LauraLee. Oh there was guilt, she was feeling that one for sure, but there was also curiosity, and a little bit of something that Frankie couldn't name at all. So she didn't even try.

"I need another drink." Frankie tried to pull herself out of the booth, ready to stumble her way over to the bar to convince Waverly to stop flirting with Nicole long enough to serve her some more alcohol, but Holly caught the back of her shirt before she could even take a step.

"Oh no you don't. You need to sleep this off. Come on, Anderson, you're crashing at my place tonight."

"What? Why?"

"Because I can't trust you not to make this whole thing even worse if you run into Chloe in your current condition."

For once Frankie didn't put up a fight, letting Holly collect her things and steer her out to her car. She spent the entire ride doing her best not to puke in her friend's car.

---

Gail was exhausted. Between grabbing extra hours at the bar, classes, midterms, spending time with Holly, and actively avoiding her friends, even her nightmares barely had time to register with how little amount of time she was spending sleeping. It was probably why she nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of Chloe on her brother's couch when she got to his apartment after work that night.

"I knew I never should've taught you how to pick a lock." She complained as she kicked off her boots, and waited for her heartrate to return to normal.

"It was a good lesson. You're a good teacher." Chloe's words were duller than usual.

Gail finished tossing her stuff to the side and headed over to the living room. She dropped onto the other end of the couch. "And you're drunk."

"Very asssstute." Chloe giggled. "Ass. Ha." She took another long drag from the bottle in her lap. The one she had picked up from the liquor store on her way over after she had convinced Officer Best to tell her where Steve's apartment was. She owed him cookies, but it was a trade well worth it.

"What's in the bottle?"

Chloe took another sip and winced. "Hot Damn."

"That good, huh?"

"Literally that's what it's called."

"Cool." Gail pulled the bottle from her grasp.

"Hey mine." Chloe protested, immediately trying to retrieve her alcohol.

But Gail easily kept it out of her reach. "Mine now." She got up to get herself a glass from her brother's kitchen. She poured herself some, surprised by how badly it burned on the way down. She fully understood the name now. She poured some more before letting Chloe take it back.

"So this is where you've been hiding all week?" Chloe gestured around the apartment.

"I haven't been hiding." Gail grumbled, slouching lower and kicking her feet up on Steve's coffee table.

"It's nice. Quiet. Except for this couch. This couch is awful." Chloe bounced slightly, or at least tried to, on the unrelenting cushions. "Why is this couch so awful?"

"No clue."

"Have you had sex on this couch?"

"No."

"Has Steve?"

"I'd rather cuddle with a porcupine than think about my brother's sex life. Plus, isn't it a little too late to be worrying about that now?"

"Oh, no, I worried about it before, but there was no one to axe."

"Ask."

"That's what I said."

"You said axe."

"Why would I want an axe?"

Gail sighed, she pinched the bridge of her nose, giving herself a moment before she snapped on her painfully inebriated roommate. "What are you doing here, Princess?"

"Hiding. Can I hide here too?"

Before Gail could ask what or who Chloe was hiding from, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She didn't hesitate to swipe it open when she saw who it was from.

Nerd Champion: Sorry, I can't come over. I have a Drunk Frankie tonight.

Well that made sense.

Officer Danger: Explains why I have a Drunk Chloe

"What did Frankie do now?" Gail finished hitting send on her phone.

"It's not about Frankie. It's about me. I'm an idiot because I keep giving her chances, because she has that whole broody, badass, I don't need anyone so when I give you the time of day it means something, vibe going. And it's sexy but it's also so annoying. Because the sex is really really good, but the talking is bad. Like really, really bad. Why can't two people just have sex and talk like normal people who answer questions and tell each other stuff about themselves?"

"Maybe it's time we cut you off." Gail went to reach for the bottle but Chloe fended her off.

"Did you just hiss at me?"

Chloe clutched the bottle tighter to her. "My alcohol."

"Whatever, but I'm not holding your hair if you vomit." Gail warned, she sent another text to Holly to figure out which one of them had the worse end of the deal.

Chloe quickly pulled her hair up into a messy ponytail. She stuck out her tongue at her roommate. "You don't have to."

"Fine." Gail settled back, a heavy silence falling over the room.

It lasted about five seconds before Chloe was speaking again.

"Why won't she talk to me?"

Gail sighed. She really didn't understand how she got pulled into doing girl talk, especially when she was so bad at it. But her roommate was sitting across from her, well on her way to wasted, and looking at her like a kicked puppy. She took a sip of her own drink before answering. "Talking's not easy."

"Talking is the easiest thing to do. All you have to do is say words. I don't care what the words are. But it's better to say something than nothing."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is! You can't just bottle everything up!" Chloe's voice rose the more adamant she became.

"Why are you yelling at me? I'm not the one not talking to you."

"Because you and Frankie and Traci and Chris and Dov. You're all bottles that are going to explode. God, Chris nearly killed himself and he still won't talk about anything to anyone. Why do you all do this shit?!"

Gail felt another pang of guilt at the thought of Chris. It made her next words sharper than they should've been, "Sorry we don't just walk around spewing out every random thought we have."

"Right. I'm the wrong one because I think people should actually communicate."

"Look, you asked. I don't know what Anderson did this time. But maybe whatever it is she isn't saying is just too hard for her to do."

"But why? I'm like the easiest person to talk to."

Gail's mind drifted to Holly. She was probably the easiest person Gail had ever had in her life to talk to, even when they were just friends. But that didn't mean it was always easy to talk. There were still a lot of things going on that she hadn't told Holly about, that she couldn't bring herself to say. But that wasn't because of Holly. It was Gail. Her fears, her insecurities, her inability to express herself. Her not wanting to ruin Holly's opinion of her. There were a lot of reasons not to talk.

"It's not you. And it's not about you. Sometimes it's hard to find the right words."

"Then use the wrong ones."

"You know that would just make it worse."

"Would it? Because right now, she hasn't said anything and I'm pretty sure she's cheating on me or about to."

"Are you two even dating?"

"We're whatever we are. That's not the point. She said she only wanted to be with me, but then she's getting texts from some girl named LauraLee about getting drinks."

Shit.

"That doesn't mean anything." Or at least Gail hoped it didn't.

"No, but it could mean something. I wouldn't know because she won't just talk to me. I know she's been holding back about something, I just didn't think...god, I'm stupid."

"Are you sure you're not just blowing things out of proportion?"

"Am I?" Chloe winced as she took another sip, the alcohol still hadn't lost its burn. "You know her reputation."

"Wow, really? Maybe you shouldn't be with Frankie if you're going to be that judgmental, Price."

"Ughhhhhhh." Chloe wasn't trying to judge Frankie. She didn't want to change her. She honestly liked her, flaws and all. But still. "Why is this so hard?"

"Because you're making it hard." Gail pointed out the obvious. She had been there. Had made things harder than they needed to be with Holly. Couldn't accept the good thing she had for far too long. But now that she had it. She didn't want to let go, even if there were times when she still freaked out and climbed a tree.

Chloe frowned, deep lines etching along her smooth skin. "What did I do?"

"Both of you are making it hard. But you knew what you were getting yourself into when you started messing around with Anderson. Isn't it kind of late to be having buyer's remorse?"

"I don't understand how Holly deals with the two of you," Chloe grumbled. She slunk lower and then growled and hit the cushions because that damn couch was the devil's creation and her insightful roommate was annoyingly right. It was infuriating.

"Well I give her all this." Gail gestured to herself, causing Chloe to snort. "I have no idea what Frankie brings to the table."

"Charm, loyalty, a wicked sense of humor….a really nice butt."

Gail ignored the last one. "Loyal, huh? If you think that then why are you here, Princess?"

"Because…" Chloe's voice shrank. "Because I really like her."

"If that's true, then maybe you should give her a chance to explain herself." Chloe's mouth immediately opened to speak, but Gail quickly added "At her own pace."

Chloe's jaw snapped shut. She made a non-committal noise, staring blankly at the black screen of the TV.

"Your brother have Death Domain?"

At the mention of the game, Gail was on her feet and setting up the TV, really not wanting to have to buy Steve a new system when he got back because she trusted a drunk Chloe to do it. Her chest tightened at the thought of her brother, but she pushed it down. She needed to unwind and beating Chloe's ass would be the perfect distraction. Well that and a little Hot Damn to boot.

Gail tossed her roommate a controller and settled onto the couch, kicking her feet up onto the coffee table. "Ready to be humiliated, Price?"

"Loser cleans the house by herself the next time it's our turn?"

"Deal."

For the next few hours, the two girls focused on the game and trashtalking one another while passing the bottle back and forth.

---

"I'm a horrible person," Frankie groaned. Her stomach roiled again, she heaved but nothing came out. It was actually worse than the puking she had been doing. Holly was holding her hair out of her face and rubbing soothing circles along her shoulders but it wasn't really helping. It took a few more false alarms before she finally managed to push away from the toilet and lean against the tub. The cold ceramic felt good against her sweaty back.

Holly ran a washcloth under the tap of the sink. She handed it to Frankie and a bottle of water before searching for a spare toothbrush. She finally found one, and grabbed the mouthwash when she spotted it. Finally, she looked down at the morose brunette and contemplated whether or not she should hide the scissors while she was at it.

"I deserve this."

Holly knelt down in front of her friend. Her hands cupping Frankie's face and forcing her to look at her. "You are not a horrible person. Sure, sometimes you say mean things or do something stupid like not talking, and getting drunk enough to turn my bathroom floor into your bed, but that doesn't make you horrible."

"But I was. I said and did awful things just to get my parents off my case. I broke my own heart and hers just for them."

Holly swallowed hard. She couldn't help but think of Gail and everything she was going through with the Pecks. Was it just a matter of time before the pressure got to be too much and Gail did something similar to her? Could she even blame her if she did?

"Did it work?"

"Got them off my case for a little while. But I couldn't live like that. I can't live like that."

"You don't have to, Frankie. Not anymore. But you need to stop torturing yourself for something that happened six years ago. Even if you made the wrong choice and did things you shouldn't have. You need to let it go and learn from it."

"And how do I do that?"

"I know this is a foreign concept for you, but you're going to have to talk. To both of them. And actually resolve things. You know, put the past behind you."

"I didn't deserve her. And I really don't deserve Chloe."

"Maybe, maybe not. Personally, I think you do. But I'm pretty partial to you."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. But whether or not you 'deserve Chloe'" Yes, Holly did use air quotes. "You have her. So stop trying to mess things up with her on purpose."

"But…"

"No buts. Except you getting yours off the floor and cleaned up so that I'll let you in my bed." Holly stood up and offered her friend a hand, well, actually two for safety reasons.

Frankie accepted the help and stumbled up to her feet. "Mmm trying to get me into bed, Stewart? Next you'll be telling me to take off my clothes."

"Oh, you are definitely taking those clothes off."

"Well if you insist." Frankie shamelessly started to strip out of her clothing but in the process of taking off her pants, she nearly cracked her skull on the sink's edge. Holly barely caught her in time.

"You used to be much better at this." Holly teased.

Frankie pointed at her indignantly, "I am half naked, and a pretty girl is touching me. I am awesome at this."

"Keep it up and you're sleeping in the tub, Casanova." Holly warned, even as she helped Frankie out of the rest of her clothes. She managed to get the other brunette cleaned up and some water into her system before they both finally climbed into Holly's bed.

It was definitely not the person she had intended to spend her night with, but Holly would never complain about helping her friend out. For better or worse, usually better, she loved Frankie. She just wished that she could get Frankie to love herself and stop self-sabotaging.

"Do you think she'll forgive me?" Frankie broke the silence, startling Holly from her thoughts.

Holly wasn't sure which woman Frankie was referring to. "Who?"

The only response she received was a light snore. Frankie was a mess, but Holly would let her sleep it off. Hopefully, by morning they could actually talk and Holly could convince Frankie to be honest with Chloe. She really was rooting for them. Speaking of Chloe, Holly opened her phone to her conversation with Gail. She hadn't heard from her in a couple of hours and she was tempted to text her. But then Holly remembered Frankie's comment about the sacrifices she made to get her parents' acceptance, and all the guilt Holly had been avoiding came crashing down. She deleted the message she had started to type and closed her phone. Suddenly whatever words she was going to say didn't seem like enough.

---

The next morning there were pancakes. Where Chloe found the ingredients to make pancakes in Steve's kitchen, Gail would probably never know. But she also wasn't about to complain.

"Hey Grumpy. Thanks for letting me crash here." A little of Chloe's natural temperament had returned despite the hangover she was nursing. She passed her roommate the plate of food she had fixed for her.

"It's not like you gave me much of a choice." Gail pointed out with a mouthful of bacon.

"Still. I just-thank you."

"Don't start getting sappy on me, it's still too early in the morning for that shit."

"Right, yeah, okay."

Chloe was quiet long enough to get Gail's attention. When she looked over she noticed that her roommate was just pushing her food around her plate. Under normal circumstances that would have just inspired Gail to steal her food for herself, but for once she was feeling a bit more magnanimous than usual.

"You going to talk to Anderson today?"

"No."

"Very mature."

"Like you're one to talk."

Gail pointed at her with a fork dripping with syrup, "Hey, I am in a stable relationship with a hot, successful, nerd. I have a job, a house, and I'm working on two degrees. I am mature."

Chloe folded her arms and cocked an eyebrow at her, "Have you spoken to Chris?"

"Fuck off, Princess." Gail stabbed at her pancakes a little harder.

"He's not talking to anyone, not even Dov. Maybe if you tried-"

"No."

"Gail." Chloe chastised.

"Chloe." Gail mocked.

"He's our friend and he needs us."

This was what she got for being benevolent. Gail tried to focus on her food, but she could feel Chloe's weighted stare. She sighed, "What do you think I could possibly say that's different than the rest of you?"

"I don't know. But you're good at helping people." Gail made a noise of disbelief but Chloe persisted. "You know it. You've helped all of us. And Chris loves you. He always has. He needs you."

Gail tried to ignore the twisting in her stomach. "I'm busy."

"I know, but try, okay?"

"I'm not promising anything."

"Okay." Chloe gave Gail a second helping of breakfast and the two girls ate in silence for a while until Chloe suddenly jumped up from her seat.

"Ugh, I completely forgot." She pulled out a small piece of paper from her bag and handed it to Gail. "This showed up to the house. Sorry, I forgot to give it to you yesterday."

It was a postcard, the picture on the front was one of Detroit and on the back was written "No time for losers" in her brother's messy scrawl. Steve loved Queen. He would blast their music in his car for hours as they drove around aimlessly. He always said that "We are the Champions" was written about them. Her eyes immediately went to the postmark. It was dated two days ago, which meant her brother was alive. She flipped it back to the picture. And he wasn't even in Canada. She could feel the tears pricking at her eyes. Steve was alive, and if this message was anything to go by, then he was probably doing well on his op.

She snapped a picture of both sides and texted it to Oliver. She knew that he would recognize the handwriting too, and sure enough the copper was calling her to tell her that it meant Steve had done even better than anyone had expected and not to worry. For the first time in weeks, she thought she might be able to follow that advice.

Chloe waited until she was off the phone before asking "So who's it from?" as she glanced across the table at the card.

"No one."

"You got a postcard from no one?"

"Yep. Thanks for bringing it." Gail said as she tucked it away into her bag, she quickly wiped at her eyes to make sure her roommate didn't see the almost tears.

"You're really not going to tell me?"

"Nope."

"You suck."

But Gail just shrugged, cleaning her plate and loading it into the dishwasher. "How long are you planning on being here?"

"How long are you?"

"Seriously, Price, you're being really fucking annoying this morning."

Chloe sighed, "Can I have my alcohol back now, please?"

Gail had confiscated it completely at some point in the night while they were playing games.

"No. Not until you tell me what your plan is."

"I don't have a plan. Okay? I don't know what to do. And I don't really feel like talking about it right now."

"Fine, but we both still have midterms so no boozing till later. And I have work tonight. So you have until then to figure your shit out."

"Fiiiiiiine." Chloe conceded. They finished cleaning up the kitchen before settling in to work. Gail glanced at her phone. She hadn't heard from Holly since she had gotten home the night before. No goodnight text, or good morning one. No sweet dreams. Nothing about the lab. She figured Frankie must have given Holly a run for her money even more so than Chloe had done to her.

---

"Who invented the sun?" Frankie groaned. She pushed her face further into her pillow.

"The Egyptians believed it was Ra, the Ancient Greeks would argue it was Zeus, The Japanese say it was Amaterasu, Christians claim it was their God, but really it was just the gravitational collapse of matter within a region of a large molecular cloud composed mostly of hydrogen ions approximately 4.6 billion years ago." Holly's voice carried from her closet.

"It was a rhetorical question." Frankie grumbled torn between wanting to glare at her friend, and needing to shield her eyes from the light. She barely opened one eye and noticed that Holly was wearing real clothes. "Where are you going?"

"I'm coming back from the lab. And just so you know I took twenty bucks from your pants before I tossed your clothes in the wash."

"Why?"

"Because I had to take my car to the wash thanks to you."

"Dude, I did not puke in it."

"No you puked on it. There was also an inconvenience fee."

"Ugh you suck."

"You wish."

Frankie squinted around the room, she couldn't see her phone anywhere. "What time is it?"

"Almost noon."

"Why in the world am I awake then?" She turned over and pulled the cover over head.

Holly rolled her eyes but stripped out of her clothes that now smelled like the lab. She grabbed some clean ones and headed to the shower. When she got back to her room, the lump in her bed hadn't moved at all.

"Are you going to sleep all day to avoid having to face your poor choices?"

"Yes," the lump mumbled.

"And you're going to do it in my bed?"

"It's a very comfortable bed."

"Your maturity astounds me at times."

"I know."

"Don't you have midterms to work on?"

"Probably."

"You'll have to go home to get your stuff to do them eventually."

"No I won't. I either won't do them or I'll borrow your computer."

"Well, what if I have plans?"

"Your girlfriend is probably working most of the day and you two can find a different bed. I've claimed this one in the name of Guilt and Denial."

"Aww, what happened to Self-Sabotage. She was always my favorite."

"She sank herself."

"Figures." Holly dropped onto the bed beside her friend. She pulled the cover off her head. "What if I don't want to be your enabler this time?"

"You act like you have a choice."

"You know that we're going to have a talk about you and Chloe at some point while you're sober."

Frankie turned away from her and pulled the pillow over her head completely. "Sleeping. Wake me up when the sun goes down."

Holly rolled her eyes again, but climbed off her own bed and headed to her desk. "For the amount of effort you take, I could get a puppy. Something cute and fluffy that keeps my feet warm at night."

"You're more a cat person."

Holly knew what was coming next. She counted in her head...3...2...1….

"We all know how much you like pussy."

Yep, there it was. "Har dee har. I liked you better when you were sleeping."

"Then let me get back to it."

Holly stopped arguing. She needed to study anyway, and at least this way her friend was sober and quiet. She glanced at her phone and noticed a new message from Gail, asking if she survived the night with Frankie. Holly's fingers hovered over the virtual keyboard, but she closed her phone instead and opened her books.

---

Gail really hated hospitals. No matter how many times that year she found herself wandering the halls of one, she hated every moment of it, every sterile wall, every fluorescent light, every breath of death and illness. It didn't matter how many showers she took, she never felt clean after being in one. The clinic she could manage. But this building, it was too much.

She finally found the room she was looking for but couldn't bring herself to go in. She fidgeted in the doorway. Chris was laying in bed, staring out his window, but it didn't look like he had noticed her at all. She could probably slip out and he wouldn't ever have to know she had been there at all. But there was something about him, something about the look on his face that had her staying exactly where she was.

"Hey."

Chris didn't even bother looking over. "What are you doing here?"

"Just figured I'd go for a stroll, maybe contract some kind of flesh-eating disease. You know, the usual." Gail made her way into the room and grabbed one of the chairs next to his bed. "I'm here to visit you, numbnuts."

Chris didn't say anything. He just continued to look out the window.

"How are you feeling?"

He shrugged.

"How much longer do you have to stay?"

"Just till tomorrow when I can prove that I have my follow-up appointments set-up. Any more questions?"

Gail glared at the boy. Even after everything that had happened, he was still angry, still bitter. And yeah, right then, the feeling was pretty mutual. "Yeah, Christopher, what the hell were you thinking?"

"I wasn't…" Chris started to say and stopped. He looked down at his hands and took a deep breath. "I wasn't trying to kill myself."

He had been asked a variation of that same question a hundred times already. Had heard it from the doctors, the nurses, his friends. He knew it was on everyone's mind, because it was the same question that hadn't left his own.

"Then why did you take the pills?"

"I just-I wanted the pain to stop."

Chris finally looked up and at her. Gail could tell by the expression on his face that he wasn't talking about a physical pain at all. It hurt her to look at him, to see that same look of desolation that she had felt mirrored back at her by someone that she cared so much about. And no, she wouldn't admit it to any of them, but yeah she cared about her friends and Chris was at the top of the list. Since the moment they became neighbors, he had always been her most vocal supporter, had invited her out even when she would turn them down, he was her human pillow when they played video games, and her ride when she didn't want to walk home alone after she worked late at night. She knew that he had gotten in Nick's face on more than one occasion when her ex was being a prick. So yeah, she cared about him and it hurt to see him like this.

"Chris..."

"I know it was stupid okay. I never should've took 'em."

"But how'd you even get my pills?"

"I needed them." Chris fidgeted with the scratchy white sheet on his bed. "I uhh needed the money that they were worth."

"So you did sell them." Gail could feel her ire growing again. Her friend was a moron. And if anyone connected the pills he was selling to her, well she could pretty much kiss whatever freedom she had good-bye. It would be the last bit of ammunition her parents needed to take control of her life completely. That or they'd probably throw her in jail, themselves. Fuck!

"Technically, I kind of traded them."

"For what?"

"Doesn't matter." Chris mumbled, shame taking over.

"Sure it does. You've been doing drugs for months now. So what was it?"

Chris looked surprised that his friend had realized how long he had been using for. And from the look on her face, she wasn't going to let him not answer her. "A little bit of cocaine. But it's not a big deal. I've got this under control."

"Not a big deal? You've been doing cocaine and stealing from your friends. But it's not a big deal. You almost died in front of me, but it's not a big deal. Are you fucking kidding me, Diaz?"

"I'm sorry. I messed up. I know. I just wasn't thinking."

"Well you were thinking something. Come on, Chris, you mixed pain pills and alcohol. You really want me to believe you didn't know what you were doing."

"I didn't care!" Chris snapped. "Okay, I just didn't care what happened. I felt like shit and it just didn't matter anymore."

Gail took a deep breath, lowering her voice and trying to calm back down. "Chris, will you look at me, please?" She waited and he did, eventually. "It matters. You matter. And what you did, matters. Okay? I'm not saying it because I want you to feel guilty, although if that helps you get better than please feel guilty. But you need help. You can't do this alone. You don't have to."

"What am I supposed to do, Gail? If anyone finds out I'll get kicked off the team and they'll take away my scholarship. I can't go here without it."

Gail knew that kind of pressure. She was dealing with it herself. But it wasn't an excuse. Chris couldn't bury his head in the sand and pretend like everything was okay. He couldn't act like he wasn't drowning now that everyone knew. It would only be more pressure and he needed a better way to cope.

"You'll get kicked off the team if one of the drug tests comes back positive. But if you get help now, maybe it won't be as bad. You have the chance to get ahead of this, to take control of it."

Chris fell back into his pillows, whatever fight he had in him, draining out. "I'm not some junkie on the street."

"No, you're 18 years old and in college with dreams of being a cop. You're not going to get there if you kill yourself with drugs."

"They're just going to kick me out of school when I can't go to class."

"If I can find you a program that will work with school, will you consider it?"

"Why are you pushing this so hard? What do you care?"

"Maybe I miss kicking your ass at video games. Maybe I just miss my pillow on the couch. Maybe I miss the guy who stayed up with me on nights I couldn't sleep and told me stories about the stars. Maybe I want that guy back."

"What if he doesn't exist anymore?"

"I think he does. I think that a lot of shitty stuff has happened lately but you're still you, Chris. But you're not this guy." She gestured at him laying in the hospital bed. His skin pale, easily washed out by the hospital gown and white sheets that matched the white walls. He still had dark circles under his eyes and he looked thinner than ever. He looked almost nothing like the guy she met in the backyard by the barbeque just before the start of classes. But she wanted to believe her friend was still there, he just needed someone to push him when he needed to be pushed the most.

"Fine, I'll do a program."

"Will you also get a haircut because you kind of look like a werewolf right now?"

Chris laughed and shook his head, his hair falling into his eyes. He scratched the beard growing out along his chin. "You gonna do it for me. I mean you did such a good job with your own."

She punched his arm, "Ow, hey, I'm healing."

Gail snorted, "They haven't found a cure for stupidity yet so it looks like you're still shit out of luck."

"Thanks for coming, Gail."

"I'm sorry it took me so long."

"Nah, it's better this way. I wouldn't have listened to you before. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry too. I never meant for any of you to see me like that."

"Just...please take care of yourself, Chris. I can't-I don't want to lose you." Gail admitted quietly.

"I will." Chris promised, accepting an impromptu hug from his friend.

Gail pulled away, wrinkling her nose. "And for the love of God, please shower."

"Okay, okay. Jeeze, you're bossy."

"Speaking of bosses, I gotta get to work before mine fires me. I'm sure everyone else will come by later."

Chris didn't look thrilled by that thought. "Thanks again, Gail."

She gave him a salute and was out the door quickly. By the time she made it to her brother's car, she realized her hands were shaking. She got into the driver's seat but she couldn't hold back the tears any longer.

---

"You're seriously not going to leave my bed at all today?" Holly stood, hands on her hips, looming over her friend who was still lounging across her mattress.

"I told you I wasn't. I can't get into trouble here." Frankie righteously pointed out.

"You've gotten into plenty of trouble in this apartment."

"Shut up. You know what I meant."

"I mean you could just talk to Chloe and tell her what's going on in that head of yours and then you wouldn't need to hide. Novel idea, right?"

"Or we could talk about why you haven't spoken to your girlfriend all day."

Holly startled. Her arms folded over her chest, shifting her weight to one hip, taking on a defensive posture. "What are you talking about?"

"Normally, you're attached to that phone of yours, unless you're in class or messing with those dead bodies in the lab. But you've barely picked it up all day. Even when it's been buzzing with texts. So the real question is what did Gail do to get you to ignore her?"

"I really hate it when you notice shit." Holly grumbled to herself.

"I'm gonna be an awesome detective."

"You're going to be annoying. Scratch that, you are annoying."

"And you're avoiding."

"I learned from the best."

It was Frankie's turn to roll her eyes. "Out with it, Stewart. What's got your panties in a bunch this time?"

Holly couldn't exactly tell Frankie about what the Pecks had done. That they had cut Gail off completely and that was why she was working nearly double the amount of shifts as before and still taking her classes. That they had added to Gail's burdens, simply because they didn't want them to be together. She couldn't tell anyone about it, because it was Gail's story to tell, even if it was affecting her too.

She finally settled on telling the truth in its simplest form. "It's not Gail."

"Yeah, right. I don't believe you." Frankie laughed as she continued to lounge across Holly's bed.

"It's true. It's not her fault. It's mine."

Frankie sat up, suddenly concerned. "What's your fault?"

Holly bit nervously at her lip. "I'm worried that our relationship is too much right now. I don't know that Gail needs the extra stress."

But what she didn't say was that she was worried that she wasn't worth the extra stress. That she wasn't worth the sacrifices that Gail was making for her, for them to be together. It was a lot of pressure for a relationship that had only really just found its footing, and it was a lot of pressure for two people who were barely into their second decade of life.

Frankie's eyes narrowed, "Too much for Gail or for you?"

"You heard what I said."

"You can't be serious right now?" Frankie stood up, anger and disbelief unfurling in her chest. "You're just going to abandon her. Make her trust you and then just what? Take off. You're just going to sit there and prove to her that she can't trust anybody. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"That isn't what I said!" Holly shouted back. This wasn't supposed to be an argument between the two friends and yet it was escalating quickly.

"Well it's what you're doing, isn't it?"

"No, it's not. I'm just taking some time to think. Can't I do that?"

"Not if what you're thinking about is turning your back on Gail. She doesn't deserve that."

"Right, because Chloe deserves you constantly pushing her away or letting her run away because you won't just talk to her."

"I already said that I didn't deserve Chloe. I never lied about that. But I thought things were solid between you and Peck."

"They are! It's not Gail. Okay. It's me. I don't deserve her!"

"Wait...what?"

"Gail is amazing. She is the most beautiful person I've ever met. And after everything that's happened, everything that keeps happening, she is still trying. She just keeps picking herself up and dealing with it. What do I do? I'm in med school and work in a lab. My biggest stress is studying for tests. I have a family who loves and supports me. I have friends who have had my back through everything. And I have her, and she just…"

Gail just continued to amaze Holly every single day. Even when she was bitchy and tired. Even when she was climbing up a tree and pushing her away. Because then Gail would come back down and try harder the next time. And it was getting harder and harder not to fall in love with her. Oh, who the hell was she kidding, she'd been falling since the day they met.

Holly collapsed onto her bed. "I don't deserve her," she repeatedly softly.

Frankie stayed standing. She stared hard at her friend. "That is literally the stupidest thing I think I have ever heard you say. And that includes you taking Jess back and the time you thought about getting blonde highlights."

"What's so stupid about it?"

"You're awesome, Holls. Even I can admit that. You're actually one of the best people I know. And Gail thinks that too. You don't wreck things just because they scare you."

Holly reached for her glasses, adjusting them needlessly in lieu of having anything else to play with to deal with her nerves. "I've never had anything like this to wreck before."

"Oh god, I am rubbing off on you. Shit, Holls, please don't act like me," Frankie begged.

"I'm not...I'm not throwing anything away. And I'm not turning my back on Gail. I just feel like I should be doing more."

"Right, because doing what you're doing isn't working? Did you fall and bump your head?"

Holly couldn't explain it, but there was this twisting in her gut that told her that she just didn't deserve Gail. That she wasn't good enough for her. Maybe it wasn't logical, but then again when were feelings ever that way.

"Have you considered the fact that maybe you just being you is more than enough for her? That she likes you and trusts you because you're you and she can trust you to keep being you. Or that by avoiding her, you're actually doing less."

The guilt grew, taking a new form. "I guess I freaked out a little."

"You freaked out a lot."

"I like Gail a lot."

"Yeah, I kinda noticed. Which is why you should be talking to her before she notices that you're avoiding her and she freaks out."

"Shit." Holly cursed again. Her friend was right. She would only be fueling Gail's stress more. She grabbed her phone and sent a text to Gail apologizing for not responding throughout the day. "Can we not tell anyone about this conversation?"

"I don't think anyone would believe me if I did. But seriously, where is all this shit coming from?"

Holly collapsed back, the air flowing out of her lungs as she hit the mattress. Her legs continued to hang over the edge of her bed, tapping against the frame.

"I don't know. I was thinking about our conversation last night, and about things with Gail, and I just realized the enormity of…" The sacrifices Gail was making. The reality of their relationship. The pressure of being the reason Gail was making those sacrifices. "My feelings."

"Wow, you're right. I've never seen anyone get you all twisted up like this before."

"Yeah."

"Can I give you my opinion?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Do I ever?"

"Carry on."

"I think that what the two of you are building is worth the extra stress. You two balance each other out. And I've seen the way you look at each other. It's honestly a little gross." Holly snorted, she pushed her glasses up and rubbed the heels of her hands into her eyes. Frankie smirked. She loved being right. "But it has potential. You have a real chance of making this work and making it last, as long as you both stop freaking out every time one of you realizes it."

"That was scarily insightful."

"I have my moments."

"What about you, Frankie?"

Frankie sighed. "What about me?"

"Why don't you deserve the same things? You could have them too. With Chloe."

"Because I'm not like you. I'm not good or noble or any of that bullshit. And Chloe is all kinds of sunshine and happiness."

"But she chooses you."

"Yeah, well, she chose wrong."

"Why are you so hard on yourself?"

"I'm not hard enough on myself. Just ask my family."

Holly had never met the Andersons. She honestly never wanted to. Whatever they did to their daughter had the scars running deep, fracturing Frankie right down to her core. And it made Holly hate people she had never even seen. "Frankie, you have always been an honest person."

"I wasn't always."

"You have been since I met you. Even painfully so. Are you honestly telling me that you don't want to be with Chloe or to make things work with her?"

"Things aren't that simple."

"They can be. Why won't you just tell her the truth?"

"Because when she sees the real me she isn't going to want to be with me!"

"You won't even give her the chance to decide that for herself. And for the record, this is the real you, Frankie. Whatever happened may be a part of your story but it doesn't have to define you. But you also don't need to hide it. It's okay to let people in. You can let people see the good and the not so good."

"That never works out so well for me."

"Maybe you just hadn't met the right person for it before."

"Maybe."

"You know I love you, right?"

"Don't get all gross on me, Stewart."

"As I was saying. You know I love you, right? And that it makes me a little biased towards you. But I really do think you are a much better person than you give yourself credit for. And if you actually let yourself be forgiven and let yourself heal, you might finally be able to let yourself be happy."

But Frankie shook her head, "I don't know how to do that."

"You know how to start. And you have someone that has the potential to make you really happy. Stop wasting it."

Maybe Holly was right. But for any of that to happen, there was something Frankie needed to do first.

---

Holly slipped onto a stool at the Penny. "Hey."

"Hey." Gail leaned over the bar to give her a quick, chaste kiss on the lips. It was one of the first times she was openly affectionate in public. Unfortunately it wasn't fast enough not to get caught.

"Get a room," Traci teased as she walked past them with a tray.

"Don't be jealous, Nash."

"Kinda hard to do. Your girlfriend's hot." Traci winked at Holly as she loaded up food.

"I'm going to tell Barber you said that."

"He already knows I think Holly's hot."

Gail frowned harder, somehow she was losing the argument. Traci laughed and went back to her tables.

"So you and Traci are doing better?"

"I guess." Gail hadn't told Holly any of the details of the day she found Traci in the stockroom. Even though it had been on her mind since she had left the hospital. She also hadn't told Holly that she had gone to see Chris. But then again, that may have had something to do with the radio silence she had gotten for most of the day.

"So what happened earlier today? You lose your phone or something?" Gail asked while pouring a glass of girlfriend's favorite beer so she could have a reason not to look at her.

Holly accepted the drink and took a sip to calm her nerves. "No, I just got busy and distracted. Sorry about that."

"No biggie." Gail shrugged, she focused her attention on the wood of the bar as she wiped a towel over it, cleaning up the condensation the glass had left behind. "I just thought you were mad at me or something."

Holly reached across the bar and tilted Gail's chin up, "I wasn't even close to being mad at you. I'm sorry for worrying you."

Gail nodded. She knew that sometimes her insecurities got the better of her, but it was Holly. She was still feeling pretty raw from her visit with Chris, so she was probably just overreacting. She decided to take Holly at her word and not push it further.

Movement at the back of the barroom caught her attention. She recognized the woman with curly brown hair and the wide smile sliding into a booth. Hell, she had been the topic of conversation for most of the night before.

"So did you ever figure out the mystery?"

"What mystery?" Holly asked.

"Of how LauraLee knows Frankie?" Gail gestured across the bar to where the social worker was sitting. It looked like she was waiting for someone.

"Oh, ummm, yeah. They grew up together."

"So she's Frankie's hometown girlfriend."

"That's not what I said."

"And yet it's what I heard." Gail looked over again. "Guess Anderson does have a type afterall."

"That's what I said!"

"So they did date," Gail challenged. A smirk was already growing on her face knowing that she was right.

Holly narrowed her eyes at the cocky bartender, "I hate you."

"No you don't," Gail shrugged confidently. She knew she was right about that too. She served a couple of other people before coming back to talk to Holly some more. But she was distracted when she noticed that LauraLee wasn't alone anymore.

"Ummm, Hol, what exactly did you tell Frankie to do?"

Holly looked at her curiously, not really sure where the conversation was going. "I told her to talk things out. That they needed resolution."

"So you basically gave Anderson the keys to a wrecking ball and permission to use it."

"What? How do you figure?"

"Well you sent Frankie back into the orbit of someone she wasn't over and who clearly wants to try again."

But Holly adamantly shook her head. "No I didn't" She had told Frankie to fix things so that she could finally move on and really open herself up for a relationship with Chloe, not LauraLee.

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah, of course. I've been friends with Frankie for years. I think I know her better than that."

"Mmhmm...Look over there," Gail gestured to the back booth.

Holly turned around and finally saw what her girlfriend was referring to. "Shit."

"Yep." Gail shook her head and frowned. "And going back to old loves doesn't work. So Frankie's really just going to trash two relationships and wreck everyone's heart."

"Maybe...maybe they're just talking….really closely…."

"And staring at each other's lips, and touching for no good reason. I know you meant well, Nerd, but you just gave Frankie license to hit her self-destruct button. "

"Fuck-nuggets," Holly mumbled into her beer. She prayed Gail was wrong for once.

---

"So your phone does work." LauraLee smiled to take a little of the sting out of her words when she spotted the college senior.

"Yeah, umm things have been busy." Frankie claimed as she slid into the rounded booth, trying not to move too far towards the middle where LauraLee was sitting. The excuses sounded lame even to her own ears, but she wasn't about to admit that she had been too scared to have this conversation so she had ignored every message she received.

"Yeah, Holly, mentioned that. Though, I gotta say it kind of felt like you were avoiding me. Felt pretty familiar."

"Yeah, uhh, about that." Frankie dragged a hand through her hair, she couldn't remember the last time she had been this nervous. But maybe it was better to just get it over with. LauraLee was clearly giving her the opportunity to say what she needed to. And at least this way there was still plenty of time to drink when all of it went to shit. "Look, I know this is way overdue, but I'm sorry about what happened."

"And what part are you sorry for?"

"For all those things I said. You didn't deserve any of it. Not the shit that everyone was saying about you. Or the shit that I said to you. I never should have done any of that. I should have been braver and not let people get to me. I shouldn't have fucked things up even worse."

"You know I had meant what I said back then. I always cared more about being your friend, everything else was just a bonus."

"I know, that's what made it so hard. You were my only real friend in that shitty town, but I didn't deserve...your kindness or your understanding. And I didn't just want to be your friend... but I couldn't...I couldn't be the person you deserved back then."

"Hey," LauraLee slid a little closer and reached across the table, her hand gently resting on top of Frankie's. "We were kids. We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. And I know what your family put you through. I never wanted to add to that."

"You didn't. Sometimes you were the only thing that made it better. I just couldn't...I didn't want to be different."

"Well, you were always different."

"Gee, thanks."

"Different's not such a bad thing to be."

"Says head cheerleader, senior class president, and homecoming queen. You were a romcom cliché."

Really how was Frankie supposed to not fall for that back in high school. Their short-lived romance had been everything Frankie had ever seen in those movies her parents forbade but that her cousins let her watch at her uncles' houses. But when she had been watching the movies, she had never understood the big deal. It wasn't until she started hanging around LauraLee that she realized why she could never quite swoon the way her cousins did when they watched them.

"I wasn't quite a cliché." It was kinda hard to be a hetero romcom cliché when she was a big ole lesbian.

Frankie laughed, realizing the truth behind LauraLee's words. "No, you definitely weren't."

"And just so you know. I do forgive you." LauraLee gave Frankie's hand a squeeze and she offered one of her bright smiles. "So now that we have the apology part of the night out of the way, what do you say we move on to the drinks you owe me and the catching up part?"

"I thought you invited me out to drinks?"

"Yeah, but you have six years worth of making up to do."

Frankie didn't argue, she flagged down the other waitress on who wasn't Traci. They gave their orders and waited for their drinks. Even after the waitress brought them they still hadn't said another word. Catching up was kind of hard to do until one of them started. Frankie decided to break the somewhat awkward silence.

"So what happened to Montréal?" Frankie remembered lying across LauraLee's bed during her sophomore year while the then senior filled out college applications. She would listen for hours as she gushed about the city. If it hadn't been for her, Frankie never would've considered college for herself.

"I loved it there. The Uni was an amazing experience. So much so that I got my Master's there and was looking for jobs when my then-girlfriend got offered a position with her company out here. So when she asked me to come with I figured it was a good time for a change."

"Thinking of going back now that…"

"Now that my relationship ended and I have no one else here. No, I like my job at the hospital and clinic and aside from the getting dumped part, Toronto hasn't been too bad. Could use a few more friends though."

"I'll try to answer my phone more."

LauraLee leaned over to playfully nudge her, "That's all I ask." She took a sip of her drink. "So what's the plan for you after graduation."

"Police Academy."

"Still want to be a detective."

"Of course."

"That's great, Frankie." LauraLee smiled at her fondly. Clearly remembering all the times Frankie had talked about wanting to move to a big city and solve crimes. "Are you going to stay here in the city?"

"That's the plan."

"That's a good plan."

"Glad you approve."

"Well I'm just glad you aren't planning on moving back home. Do you ever go back?"

Of course it was only a matter of time before one of them brought it up.

"Only on holidays," Frankie admitted. "You haven't since graduation."

"Been looking for me, Frankie?"

"It's a small town, I think I would've noticed if a second lesbian showed up."

"Lesbian, huh. So you're out now."

"Told my parents winter of freshman year. They basically told me I was a disgrace and to never mention it to anyone ever again." Frankie finished her drink and looked for the waitress. It really was a trigger for her.

"But you still go back?"

"Mostly for my brothers."

"How are they?"

"They're fucking goons. Mark is graduating and probably just going to stay there. You know, work at the shop or something. He has no plans for college. Simon plays guitar and is in a band. Only Christian Rock though. And Paul is still sweet but he hasn't quite hit his teenage years yet."

"You still play?"

"Nah, gave Simon my guitar before I left for college and haven't touched one since."

"That's a shame, you were always good."

"Well you had to listen to it enough."

"Definitely preferred it in my room than on Sunday mornings." Which was when Frankie would have to play for the church choir.

"Yeah, those fucking blew." LauraLee gave her an amused look, it made Frankie's stomach flip for some reason. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Nothing. It's just weird to hear you cursing is all."

"Yeah, well I grew up. You did too." LauraLee smiled, a small blush hitting her cheeks. Frankie couldn't help herself. "The smile is the same though."

LauraLee laughed and took a sip of her drink. "The confidence looks good on you, Anderson."

---

"Stop staring."

"You're the one that's staring."

"They're going to notice that we're watching them."

"So. Anderson should know that she's being watched. Maybe it will keep her out of trouble." Gail acknowledged the couple at the end of the bar who had been trying to get her attention for the last ten minutes even though she still didn't move to help them.

"Please, having an audience is basically asking Frankie to get into trouble. All we need is Sam showing up and there will be no hope."

"He's not the one I'm worried about showing up. I could barely get Chloe out of Steve's apartment today. If it wasn't for me assuming that Frankie would be hiding with you, I don't think she would've left. She's probably been at the guys' house since she then."

"Was she really bad last night?"

"Very drunk and very pissed at Anderson. At least it made it easier to kick her ass at Death Domain. I got out of cleaning duties this month." Gail sang, doing a small victory dance as she poured out the orders for Traci and the other waitress's tables.

Holly laughed, "You really shouldn't take advantage of your friends."

"Why else would I be friends with them?" Holy just shook her head. "Plus, she knew what she was getting herself into when she challenged me."

"Fair enough."

Gail left to serve people before migrating back to where Holly was sitting. She smiled at her girlfriend, it was nice having her around even if she was technically working so they couldn't really hang out the way she wanted. Still something was better than nothing. A new crowd came through the door and Gail recognized the voices even before she turned to look.

"Oh shit."

"What?"

"Look who just walked in."

---

It had turned out to be easier than Frankie thought it would be to fall into conversation with LauraLee, missing years or not. The teasing, the flirting, it was the reason she had been a goner back in high school. She didn't mean to flirt. Honestly, it just came as naturally as breathing to Frankie once she had accepted who she was. She probably should've expected the next question, and yet she didn't.

"So…" LauraLee leaned a little closer, her finger running along the edge of her glass "are you seeing anyone?"

"I'm..ummm.." Frankie paused, glancing around the bar as she looked for the right words. She was about to answer when she caught sight of Chloe. The two locked eyes for a moment but then Chloe shook her head and started heading towards the door. This time, Frankie didn't hesitate and she was out of the booth chasing her down as soon as Chloe turned.

"Chloe, wait."

"Why should I?" Chloe kept moving towards the exit.

"Because there's someone I want you to meet."

Chloe stopped against her better judgement and turned to look back at the booth that Frankie had left. She looked at the senior and cocked her head, trying to figure out what game she was playing.

Frankie held out her hand, "Please."

Chloe wasn't entirely thrilled by the idea but she accepted and let Frankie lead her back to the table.

"Chloe this is LauraLee...we uhhhh...we went to school together. And LauraLee, this is Chloe, she's the answer to that question."

LauraLee's smile shifted from one of confusion to acknowledgement. "It's nice to meet you, Chloe." She held her hand out politely.

"You too." Chloe accepted the handshake before turning to Frankie. "What question?"

But Frankie waved it off as she sat down and pulled Chloe into the booth beside her, "It's not important."

Chloe gave Frankie a look that said she would definitely be asking about it later, but she turned her attention to the mysterious LauraLee. "So you went to school with Frankie?"

"Yeah, we grew up together."

Chloe's eyes lit up, a mischievous look overtaking her face as she clapped her hands together. "Oh, so you know all the dirty dirt on her."

Frankie groaned and gestured to the waitress. "I'm going to need another drink or ten." She was going to need something to help her deal with the floodgates she had just unlocked.

But then she felt a hand drop to her thigh, giving it a small squeeze, and Chloe smiled at her and maybe it wasn't the worst decision Frankie had ever made.

---

Holly smirked at her girlfriend. "See, I knew Frankie would do the right thing."

"Then why were you sweating it so bad?"

"I wasn't." But Gail looked at her with disbelief. Okay, she was, but still, someone had to be in Frankie's corner. "I'm just glad she's trying is all."

"Yeah, well, I'm just glad that Chloe is going to go back to hanging out in her room."

"You don't fool me, Peck. I know how much you don't hate her."

Gail just shrugged. "Could've been worse. I could've been forced to live with McNally."

"Hey!" Andy complained as she handed over a pitcher for Gail to refill.

Gail filled it and slid it back over, "Run along, McNally. The grown-ups are talking."

Andy made a face at her, "Always a pleasure, Gail."

"Stop terrorizing my roommate, Peck." Traci warned as she passed by the bar again.

"But then how is she going to get her Survival badge?"

"I do like earning badges." Andy commented wistfully.

"Okay, now you're just asking for it." Traci patted Andy on the shoulder before leaving her to the wolf.

"On that note." Andy skedaddled before Gail could continue.

"Was Andy actually a Girl Guide? I always thought you were just messing with her."

"Tutti i due."

"You know it's kinda hot when you speak other languages."

"Je savais que tu m'aimais pour ma langue."

"Just because I don't speak it, doesn't mean I don't understand what you just said."

Gail leaned over the bar again, pressing a kiss to Holly's lips and not caring who saw it. "αυτό ήταν το σημείο (aftó ítan to simeío)"

"Well now you're just showing off."

"Want me to keep going?"

"Kinda."

"Will you be able to keep it in your pants, Nerd?"

"Unlikely."

"Then it's gonna have to wait." Gail winked and went back to serving her paying customers.

"So you two kissed and made up."

Holly startled when Frankie appeared over her shoulder. "Jeeze, wear a bell or something. And I told you already, we weren't fighting."

"Did your silence freak her out?"

"Shut up. No one likes a braggart."

"That's what I thought. And by the way, no one likes an audience either. I saw the two of you watching me."

"Then don't put on displays at the Penny."

Frankie shrugged. "You here for me or the blonde?"

Holly held up her beer, "I'm obviously here for the alcohol."

"Right."

"How's everything going over there?"

"Okay, I think." It seemed okay. Chloe hadn't stormed off. LauraLee had only told mildly embarrassing stories. So far, so good as far as Frankie could tell. Frankie looked back nervously, she hadn't wanted to leave the two of them alone but the waitress hadn't been back and both women insisted Frankie owed them drinks.

Holly noticed that her friend was distracted. She would need to get the details later. "Coffee tomorrow?"

"Only if you're lucky." Frankie laughed when Holly playfully shoved her. "You know, I thought if I stood by you, I'd get my drinks faster. Can't you like flash her or something?"

"As much as I would appreciate it, I don't really want my girlfriend to start a riot." Gail warned as she walked back over. She had caught the last comment from her housemate.

"They are really nice boobs." Frankie agreed.

"Thank you, but also can we stop talking about them?" Holly pleaded.

"What do you want Anderson?" Gail demanded.

"Three of your margaritas."

Gail made the drinks and Frankie was quick to take them back to the table.

"If they have a threesome I really hope they go to LauraLee's place." Gail commented as she looked over at the trio of laughing girls.

"You're not going to Steve's tonight?"

"I don't think so."

"Want to come over?"

It was a tempting offer, but sadly one she couldn't take. "I kinda promised both Traci and Chloe that I would go home tonight. Apparently they miss me or something."

"Want some extra company?" Holly offered.

She did, but she also didn't want to ask for it. "I'm closing tonight and you have the lab in the morning."

"I also have a lot of coffee."

"You've barely slept all week."

"Loads of coffee."

Gail smiled, she was about to take Holly up on her offer when the med student's phone started ringing. When Holly saw that it was Rachel, she answered. Gail left to serve other people, and when she got back Holly had finished her drink and was gathering her things.

"Hetero or homo crisis?"

"Technically, Rachel's bi but it's Lisa this time and Rachel is apparently drowning in her tears. Sorry."

"Go rescue your friends."

"If you change your mind, you're more than welcome to come over. You may or may not need a lifevest and a boat."

"And deal with a crying Lisa? She hates me when she's in a good mood."

"It's a funny thing called a door, Danger. When you go into my room and close it, you don't have to deal with my roommates."

"Only when you remember to lock it."

"That was one time." Holly protested. Her phone starting buzzing in her hand. Both of her roommates were texting her now.

"Shoo, Nerd."

"Text me when you're done tonight?" Holly asked, satisfied when Gail nodded. She blew her girlfriend a kiss before heading out for the night.

Gail sighed as she watched her go. It was going to be a lonely night.

---

Stepping through the door of her room, Gail took in the disaster zone. Despite Chloe's efforts, her portion of the room was still a mess from the way she left it that day with Chris. She hadn't bothered cleaning it the one time she stopped at home to grab enough stuff to stay at her brother's apartment.

With a heavy sigh, she started to gather up her clothes, putting them back where they belonged. She was tired, exhausted down to her bones, but she hated the mess even more than cleaning it. She had almost everything back to normal when she noticed it.

The drawer next to her bed was still ajar. The one that had housed her pills before Chris took them. She looked at her open drawer, and she could remember how desperate she was feeling that day. How everything had piled up and it physically hurt to drag herself from her bed that morning. At the time, nothing seemed like it would get better. She had lost every ounce of hope she had had. That was why she could understand what Chris had said in the hospital earlier that day. But it wasn't drugs that had pushed Gail to that point.

Not for the first time, she wondered what she would've done if Chris hadn't stolen her pills. Would she really have taken them? She had come close. The thoughts had been there. Taunting her. Drawing her closer and closer to the edge. Having them was like holding a match over gasoline, one wrong step and she would've blown everything up.

Guilt twisted at her insides, tearing at them, and reminding her that after all the advice she had given Chris and Traci, she still hadn't taken any of it herself. Suddenly, she could add the word hypocrite to her growing list of failures.

---

"Hey."

Holly leaned against her doorframe. The apartment behind her was dark, but there was a soft light coming from the open door of her bedroom. She was already in pajamas, an oversized t-shirt, and a pair of sleep shorts. Her hair was loose and curling around her face. Everything about her looked warm, and soft, and inviting.

"Hey you."

Gail ran a hand through her hair, she scratched at the back of her head. "I know it's late but…"

"Come on in." Holly shifted to let her girlfriend through the doorway.

"Did I wake you?"

"Nah, Lisa and Rachel just went to bed. I was reading and waiting for this really hot girl to text me. I thought you weren't coming over tonight?"

"I wasn't going to...I just...is it okay that I'm here?"

"Of course it is. Did your shift just end?"

"A little bit ago."

"Did you eat?"

"At work."

"Want something to drink?"

Gail shook her head, she shuffled closer to Holly, her hands finding their way to her hips. Holly's arms opened and she pulled Gail closer, their lips meeting easily in the middle. It was a soft kiss, slow, and building. The kind that started a night, rather than ended one.

"Want to go to my room?" Holly whispered into the barely existent space between them.

Gail nodded, she silently took Holly's hand and led the way. Holly pulled the door closed quietly behind them, trying hard not to wake her roommates, and clicked the lock before letting Gail pull her in again. And everything about them was slow and soft. They made their way to Holly's bed and just continued kissing. No pressure, no hurry, just their lips moving in sync.

But there was something different. Holly could feel it. Gail was distracted by something. And it wasn't like before. Holly had a feeling that she wasn't quite looking for a distraction. But she was definitely looking for something.

Their kisses slowed.

Holly rested her forehead against Gail's. She pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose. "What's wrong?"

Gail sighed, pulling back slightly more. "Can we talk?"

Holly's hand that had found its way under Gail shirt slipped out, smoothing it back down in the process. She sat up. It sounded serious. "What's up?"

Gail sat up to, putting a safe distance between them. "I went to see Chris."

Holly knew that Gail had been avoiding her friends. That she hadn't gone to see Chris since he was admitted nearly a week ago. She had heard Gail complaining about Chloe pressuring her. But she wouldn't talk about what happened, or why. Still Holly knew that whatever it was, it had been eating away at Gail. So Holly had given her space to figure out what she wanted to do, she was simply there, day after day. "How'd that go?"

"He's been doing drugs for months. Apparently he was trading my pills for it."

"Cocaine?"

Gail startled. Her head shooting up to look at her, "You knew?"

Holly shook her head. "I didn't know. But cocaine withdrawal can cause depression and addicts are at high risk of suicide when they're coming off of it."

"Oh. Well that makes more sense."

"What does?"

"Wbat he said about feeling like shit and not caring about what happened to him."

"That's an awful way to feel." Holly felt bad for Chris. Felt bad that he had gotten to that point. That the drugs had only made it all worse. Chris wasn't a bad guy, if anything he was one of the best of the lot. She hoped he got the help he needed.

"It is. But you don't need drugs to feel that way." Gail admitted.

It was a strange comment. "What do you mean?"

Gail took a deep breath, "I know how Chris was feeling...because...because I was feeling that way too. I just-I wasn't….I couldn't take it anymore."

"Take what?" Holy knew Gail had been struggling, that she had been facing a lot of hard things. But this went much deeper than she had realized.

"Any of it. Life. Or any more of the shitty things happening. It's like I never get a break before the universe finds some new way to fuck me over or to hurt the people around me. I just I couldn't take it anymore."

Holly's concern grew more. "Gail, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying th-that there was a reason that I was looking for the pills that day."

The last time Holly could remember seeing Gail with the pills was the morning after the graveyard and hair cutting incident. She had been worried then about why Gail had had the pills on her. Something about the haunted look in those blue eyes was still burned into Holly's mind. But Gail had sworn that she just had them because of the pain. That it was just a coincidence. Holly ignored her gut that day, choosing instead to just prove to Gail that if she needed someone to talk to that she would be that person. But now that fear returned.

Holly could barely get the words out, but she needed to ask. "Were you...were you going to take them yourself?"

"No...maybe...I don't know." Gail quietly admitted, she couldn't drag her eyes up from the pattern on Holly's comforter. She definitely couldn't look at Holly as she continued. "I…I was tempted to….God, Holly, I was so tempted to take them. It was all I could think about that night. It just seemed so much easier. So much better for everyone."

Holly felt a clenching in her stomach, the rush of blood in her ears to the point that she couldn't hear anything else for a second, she could see the edges of her vision blurring, and everything felt cold for a second. She knew that it was just her sympathetic nervous system in overdrive, triggered by the realization of what Gail was telling her, triggered by the fear of what it all meant. As scary as the feeling was, her body was quick to return back to a functioning level. She cleared her throat.

"Better for who? Gail, you not being here isn't better for anyone."

"It seemed like it at the time."

"Hey," Holly reached out to hold her hand "I don't know why it seemed like that, but it isn't true, Gail. The world is better place having you in it. My world is a better place for it."

Gail pulled her hand back. She wrapped her arms around herself, taking up as little space as possible.

"Everyone kept saying that it was good that I found Chris when I did. But I was furious with him, I didn't know if he was using them himself or selling them or what? If he was selling them and it got traced back to me, or even if he was using and that was found out, the Pecks would the first to accuse me of being the supplier. But I hadn't expected..."

Gail trailed off, her mind conjuring up the image of Chris on the floor, she could practically feel the panic again when she had thought that she was too late. When she had been contemplating taking them herself she refused to think about what would come next. What did it matter? She would be gone, so it wasn't like she had to deal with it. But there would've been people left behind, people who would've felt the impact.

"That could have been me, Holly. Chloe or Frankie or-or you could've found me like that."

Holly felt another chill run through her at the thought. She knew Gail was dealing with a lot, but she hadn't realized how bad it was at the time. She blamed herself for not noticing, for not being someone Gail felt like she could talk to about any of this. She wanted to ask why she hadn't. Why she had kept it all to herself and let herself get to that point. But she also didn't want to add to Gail's guilt. She could practically feel it coming off of her in waves.

"Traci is going to see a shrink that Oliver suggested and she wants me to go with her, you know for moral support. I think-I think I might make an appointment too."

Holly wasn't sure what to say. She thought that seeing a therapist was a good idea, especially with everything Gail had been through, but she didn't want to push either. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"I think that's a good idea, but only if it's what you want to do. I'm not going to say that I wished you had talked to me, even though I do. But, Gail, you don't have to keep all of this to yourself. I want to help if I can, if you'll let me."

"I'm sorry."

"What for, honey?"

"I don't want to be the broken girl that you have to fix. You didn't sign up for that. You didn't sign up for any of this."

"You're not broken, Gail. Maybe a little bent, you've got a few dents here and there, but I'm in this with you. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. And I'll spend every day proving it."

"That's a lot of promises."

"I know. I mean them. And I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't talk about this with me."

"No." The last thing Gail wanted was for Holly to blame herself. "I know I didn't tell you about any of this sooner. I couldn't-I just didn't know how. You are the best thing that I've had since coming back here. I just didn't want to ruin it any further."

"You haven't ruined anything." Holly promised. She tried reaching out for Gail again, her hand gently cradling the porcelain face across from her. Gail leaned further into the touch, her eyes closing and a sigh leaving her lips as she finally accepted the embrace.

"Can I kiss you now?"

"Please."

Holly leaned in. She pressed her lips to Gail's forehead, her cheeks, she brushed along her jawline, before meeting her lips. She couldn't take away Gail's pain, she couldn't undo any of her past hurts, she couldn't fix most of the things that Gail labelled as broken, but she could show her that she wasn't alone. That she didn't need to be alone anymore. Even if Gail didn't believe her, she would prove it. She wanted to prove it.

---

A/N: Anyone else feel like this shit has gotten really heavy? Yeah, me too. The next chapter expect a lot of humor and fluff, and hopefully a much shorter wait time. Let me know what you think and that ya'll haven't given up on me...err, I mean this story, quite yet...