His lips move against hers as if they are the sweetest things in life. His lips peck at her neck and her shoulder before creating a trail to capture her lips once again. Kiara cannot stop smiling as his body moves against her as it urges her over the edge. One of JJ's hands is bracing himself above her as his other hand is tightly clenched to her own hand. It doesn't surprise Kiara when JJ keeps repeating sweet nothings into her ear as he finally takes her as his own.
It's at this moment where the world makes sense. That everything feels real and nothing can break them from their own little trance. Not the storm verging on outside. Not their fucking parents. Not the Kooks and their gossip. Not even the memories of John B and Sarah. For the first time in almost three years, it's just JJ and Kiara. Kiara and JJ. And that is okay.
Everything is going to be okay.
Dreams fill Kiara's night for the first time since the night that changed everything. Dreams where life is weightless and nothing can go wrong keep Kiara asleep until light shines through the window of the bedroom of the chateau. Kiara doesn't even open her eyes to need to remember what happened the night before. The smell of cheap deodorant mixed with salt water remind her of the night. Remind her of JJ. It's the same smell that Kiara has been used to for years, but is now just noticing it. For the first time in all those years, Kiara is surrounded by JJ in every way possible. And she is okay with it. More than okay, in fact.
Light fills the small room as Kiara debates keeping her eyes closed for longer. No rain echoes through the chateau showing that the storm has past and made room for the light. It is times like these that Kiara remembers the Pogues in the chateau. She can't help but think about the many mornings where she was woken by the rooster's loud morning wakeup call. It was something that she grew fond of quickly. She tries not to think about how the reason why she was so fond of the rooster was because she woke up and so did JJ whilst the others claimed they didn't hear the rooster. They would joke the early morning away, snickering and telling each other to be quiet to not wake the other Pogues.
'You'll wake them!'
'Says you. You're fucking shouting.'
'Hey. I'm quiet as shit, Kie.'
'I seriously doubt that JJ.'
Their voices would surround the living area of the chateau where they would make fun of each other and unconsciously flirt with one another. Kiara came to learn that JJ loved the rooster just as much as she did.
With the rooster gone, this morning is different. Kiara isn't woken to the sound of the rooster's call but instead is woken by the sound of birds chirping through the window. Kiara can't help but cringe about how cliché this morning is. How cliché it is that everything feels right and that they have found the end of a seemingly endless tunnel.
When Kiara decides to open her eyes, she finds the other side of the bed empty. It makes her heart drop for a moment before remembering that this is JJ. The same JJ that doesn't sleep a whole night through. The same JJ that always wakes up before her. Kiara sits up to find her clothes haphazardly thrown around the room. Before leaving the bedroom, she quickly throws on the pair of shorts that are by her bedside and the pelican sweatshirt in which she was wearing last night. The pelican sweatshirt has only a faded smell so distinctively JJ due to how much Kiara has been wearing it. It makes her smile.
The living room tells story of the night in the storm. Cards are randomly tossed on and around the pull-out from where JJ and Kiara had played 'go fish' before falling asleep on that very pull-out. Bowls have been left on the dining table. Brownie's toys are chaotically abandoned all over the floor from how JJ and Kiara had to distract the pup from whining the storm away.
Brownie is playing with a squeaker toy elephant in the middle of the room. "Brownie." Kiara gets to Brownie's level as Brownie bounds to Kiara, still with the toy in his mouth. The toy in his mouth is one of the first toys that Kiara had been able to find that seems to be indestructible. The elephant is missing an ear. "We need to cut your hair." Kiara laughs out whilst fiddling with the fur on Brownie's ear.
The chateau is quiet. Kiara can't help but look around concerned. She makes her way through the chateau, checking every room for any sign of life. But the only life that Kiara finds is herself and Brownie. No JJ. She wonders if she is still asleep and that one of her dreams has turned dark. But as Kiara pinches herself, Kiara finds herself still stood with only Brownie by her side.
Her heart thuds as Kiara starts to think about where JJ could be. The backpack. Everything from the day before comes crashing back to Kiara. Whilst the night ended well, Kiara can't ignore how they got there. That fucking gun. That fucking gun that Kiara hated from the moment that JJ and John B had shown her it after going into the motel. The same fucking gun that JJ carried everywhere, even to the outdoor cinema. Kiara remembers thinking that it was typical JJ- reckless about everything. But now? Kiara doesn't know what to think. She is all of a sudden very much aware of how little she knows of the real JJ. The JJ that spent four months thinking of how the pain could be over.
Kiara hadn't expected that JJ would have kept the gun after all that time. After everything that had happened to them. But the gun is still very much in his life. In the very same backpack that JJ used to carry around everywhere.
Kiara finds herself hunting around the chateau for that backpack to try and force herself to calm down. JJ is different. He wouldn't have just left. Kiara tries to suppress the sinking feeling that JJ made promise of his words last night to leave. Fight or flight. That is JJ. Last night, Kiara was sure he was to fight. Fight for everything. Now? Kiara worries he has changed his mind. That he couldn't fight his demons and is now giving into them.
The backpack is nowhere to be seen. She hunts high and low but no backpack is found. No gun is found. And no JJ is found.
He can't be gone.
Tears fill her eyes as Kiara feels her face turning red. The previous night showed Kiara some of JJ's demons. That night had showed Kiara that JJ's demons have been with him for years. Kiara is sure that JJ has more demons than he is willing to show and it scares Kiara. If JJ has the gun, he could do anything. And she doesn't know where he is.
She won't lose him too. It all comes down to that. Kiara will not lose any more people to the demons that surround her because if she loses anyone else, she may lose herself as well. She hunts through the pull-out to pull out her car keys before frantically running to the door. "Brownie, sit." Kiara shouts out before running out of the chateau. And Brownie does sit.
Kiara doesn't know where to go. Did JJ go home? Is he down by the beach? Has he gone to the Kook side of town? Kiara doesn't know. She finds herself aimlessly driving around Outer Banks, hoping that he will just be walking down the street. Hoping that JJ is still safe. Kiara can't help but think it's her fault. She knew he was at flight risk. JJ is always at flight risk. She can't help but think that it's because she slept with him. The first time that happened, Kiara had pretty much freaked at JJ before running away from him. Maybe he thinks she will freak again.
This issue is, Kiara doesn't know how to deal with the situation. They were filled with emotions when they came together the night before. Now, Kiara can't help but worry that they won't be able to grow from this. The rules are there to stop awkwardness- to stop the two falling apart. But now, JJ is gone. And Kiara thinks that it must be because of her- because she let herself break her rules… again.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Kiara can't bring herself to go to JJ's house. She can't physically bring herself to drive to the man that heartlessly beats his son to almost death. To the man that makes his kind, lovable son think he's so worthless that he is better off dead. Instead, Kiara finds herself parked outside the garage where JJ works. Kiara walks in, hoping that JJ's boss has any better understanding of where JJ hides. JJ's boss is no help.
No. Kiara can't lose him. Kiara looks around frantically as she feels her heart rate going up as her breathing becomes shallow. 'Just breathe, Kie.' She can hear his voice. Just the idea of his voice begins to calm her. Kiara knows that she needs to be strong. She needs to find JJ and be the fucking strong one for once because JJ will need someone that can hold their ground. Kiara needs to be the person for JJ.
It is hard to calm herself down. The words of JJ always calm her down. Kiara has found herself being so dependent on JJ's words every time she breaks down. But he is not here to soothe her. 'Just breathe, Kie.' Kiara closes her eyes and imagines JJ being there, running his hand up and down his arm as he whispers the soothing words. 'Count with me, Kie.'
Kiara counts with her eyes remaining shut. Tears burn the inside of her eyes and she tries to focus on that. She tries to focus on anything other than the idea that JJ could be go… no. Kiara won't let herself think about that.
Her whole body is shaking as she remains stood at the front of the garage counting to herself. Kiara remains scared that if she tries to move, she will just fall over into a tight ball. She needs to stay strong. She needs to stay strong for him. Stay strong for JJ.
"Kie?" Kiara keeps her eyes closed as JJ's voice echoes around her. "Kiara!" This time, Kiara opens her eyes to see JJ running over to her, concern written all over his face. It almost makes Kiara fall over by just the sight of him. He's here. He's not gone. "Kie, what's wrong?" JJ asks when he gets close enough to the shaking girl.
"Where the fuck did you go?" Kiara hiccups out, trying to remain angry.
"I had work." She can't control her tears as he keeps moving closer to her. JJ reaches to her face, batting the tear off of her cheek. JJ is here. Even though his boss had said he wasn't.
"Your boss is a dick then." Kiara still can't control her tears.
"Yeah." JJ laughs out.
"You… you can't just leave like that!" Kiara snaps whilst shoving JJ's hand away from her. "We promised each other we would tell each other where we were."
"I tried but you were fast asleep Kie." Of course, he tries to joke here.
"I'm serious JJ."
"Kie, I'm fine." He tries to reach for Kiara but she steps back before she knows what she is doing. It makes Kiara cringe when confusion appears on JJ's face before he nods. "Right. No touching." His eyes fixate onto the floor. Awkwardness abruptly fills the air. The same awkwardness that was there back the first time they had slept together.
She can't help it. She can't help feeling the sudden urge to stand back from JJ before she hurts him more, which will only inevitably hurt her. Kiara can't deal with any more pain. "What's going on, Kie?" His question sounds pained but it only confuses Kiara. "You here to talk about last night?" Heat surrounds Kiara as her cheeks begin to burn.
"We can talk about that later."
"It went against your rules, I get it Kie."
"JJ…"
"No Kie! If you want to just pass it off to another mistake then just tell me now. I can take it." Anger builds in him. "We can't break your precious rules without talking about them."
"Can't we just talk about this later?" It's only because Kiara doesn't know what to say.
"Kie. It's fine. I can handle it, okay?"
"I…" Kiara remains speechless. "I don't know." Kiara eventually spills out, her emotions still forming a storm within her. Time is what Kiara needs. Hell, it's only been a few weeks since Pope told her that he thought JJ and herself were in love.
The storm inside her suppresses the fact that she may not even know what love is. She just knows that she can't lose JJ. As JJ's eyes remain glued to the floor, Kiara can't control her own movements as she pulls JJ to herself, connecting their lips in an emotion-filled kiss. It's a hard kiss where their tears are mixing together. But nevertheless, Kiara feels JJ kiss her back as his arms snake around her waist.
The kiss is full of need, from both participants. Kiara tries to express everything in the kiss whereas JJ kisses her back with just a sudden urge. Neither deepen the kiss. When they come up for air, JJ keeps his arms around Kiara and Kiara leans their foreheads together. "What...?" JJ begins
"I…" Neither can find the right words.
"What does this mean, Kie?" Sound almost doesn't come out of JJ as he watches Kiara, puzzled.
"I…" Kiara stops before her before she aimlessly shouts out love. "I'm just scared, JJ."
"Of me?" His face is pained but Kiara instantly shakes her head. No. Kiara could never be scared of him.
"Of losing you."
She can't lose him.
The words seem to be the wrong thing to say as JJ steps away from Kiara, dropping his hands from her. What did she say? His face is pained as a single tear falls down his face. "You don't want to lose me?" JJ says plainly.
"I don't, JJ."
"The same thing you said to Pope." The pin drops. Shit. It's the reason she gave for why she kissed Pope. 'I didn't want to lose you.'
"JJ…"
"Is that the reason you kissed me?" JJ lets out a spiteful laugh. "Why we fucked?"
"I didn't mean it like that."
"We sleep together so you don't lose me. You fucking just kissed me Kie because… because you're scared that I'll leave." JJ is back to looking down. "It's the exact same reason to why you kissed Pope."
"It's different with you."
"How is it different, Kie?" Kiara is speechless once more.
"I don't know."
"Exactly." JJ shakes his head. "You won't lose me. I'm not going anywhere so don't you worry Kie, you can stop messing around with me to get me to stay."
…
She should say something. She should declare that she likes him. She should shout after him that she needs him more than she has ever needed anyone. But she doesn't. Kiara just lets JJ walk away.
Kiara has never been great with expressing how she feels. Kiara has never been able to understand herself in what she feels. It's the reason she probably led all three of her best friends on at one point. It's why, even when Kiara knew she didn't reciprocate the feelings towards John B, she didn't shut him down completely. It's why when Pope tells her that he loves her, Kiara finds reasons to why they can't be together and then stupidly kisses him. Could it also be why she slept with JJ? Just to keep him around?
Her feelings are all jumbled as she decides to spend the rest of the day at work at the Wreck. It's déjà vu as she avoids any form of feelings by working through the hours. Kiara ignores any questions about the Pogues that her dad throws her way. She avoids the stupid Tourons talking about the fucking Cameron case. And it goes well. The day moves quickly as she manages to avoid everything. Everything, until she begins to shut up shop.
Pope: want to meet?
Sent at 3:55pm.
Kiara: sure. Meet at the Wreck?
Sent at 4:45pm.
The door rings as she finishes cleaning the last table. She needed to talk through everything with someone that won't judge. JJ would normally be that person, but this is about him. This time, she needs Pope. "Thank god you're here." Kiara speaks without turning her back to face him. "I did something and I don't know what to do now." She knows he will laugh and say that he expected it. Pope will say that 'of course, you two are in love' and Kiara will roll her eyes.
"Where's my boy?" Kiara freezes, keeping her back to the person that is obviously not Pope. It's a voice that Kiara has only heard a maximum of five times in her life. A voice that makes everyone around him tremble. A voice she thought she would never hear again.
Luke Maybank.
Kiara trembles as she turns to see a swaying Luke. His eyes are flickering and blood-shot. High? Probably. Drunk? Probably. Angry? Definitely. "Where's my boy?" Luke slurs out.
"I don't know." Kiara plucks the courage to say.
"He's coming home." He spits. Kiara tries not to react as Luke stalks closer to her. She can't break. She can't let him get to her. "You're one of those Pogues, right?" Kiara can only manage a nod as Luke locks onto her wrist. "Then you fucking know where he is!"
His hands cut the circulation off for Kiara. And his grip only gets stronger. Kiara should have known that he would come after JJ. He has probably run out of money or something and needs JJ (read: punching bag) back. With the pain shooting up Kiara's arm, she can only imagine how JJ spent eighteen years of his life with the recurring pain from his own father. "Where is he?" Luke shouts into her face, the fear making Kiara jump.
"I… I can go get him." Kiara feels a sudden urge to get away. To flight. It's the only thing that gets Luke to let go of Kiara's wrist. He nods at her before stumbling into a table. She thinks he's about to pass out.
Kiara runs out of the Wreck, not looking back at the man that has brought so much pain to JJ. Someone she lo… is friends with. She keeps running until she crashes into Pope who is stood by his car. "Let's go." Kiara squeaks out, trying to remain emotionless.
"Kie?" Pope questions her.
"Let's just go, Pope."
…
He knows he shouldn't be angry at her. JJ shouldn't be angry that Kiara wants JJ to stay. But he can't help but be pissed that she leads him on with no feelings involved. Almost like she doesn't care. Obviously, JJ knows Kiara cares. It's the reason why she is even staying in the chateau with him. They just got carried away. The day was full of high tension that needed to explode. And Kiara let him explode.
JJ doesn't calm down until he is back at the chateau with Brownie. Brownie is running around like a manic springer when JJ gets home. He has obviously been home alone all day. JJ rolls his eyes when he watches Brownie sit down. "You know, I don't think I'd be in this shit if you disobeyed like you normally do." JJ strokes Brownie's fur. It felt so great to see Brownie sit. To finally do the thing that they have been begging him to do. And of course, it lightened the mood ending with JJ kissing Kiara. No. She doesn't like him like that.
They sit in the chateau alone for what feels hours before Kiara finally gets home. Something is off as soon as Kiara and Pope walk into the chateau. He expects it's because of JJ. "Kie. I'm sorry." JJ stands up but watches as Kiara keeps clutching her wrist and avoiding eye contact.
"I thought you were working."
"I finished early." JJ sees Kiara cringe. "I'm sorry about earlier on." JJ almost whispers, realising that Pope is stood in the room.
"It's okay." She still doesn't look up, still clutching her own wrist.
"You need to tell him, Kie." Pope speaks, watching Kiara concerned.
"Kie?" JJ steps closer when Kiara puts her hand behind her back.
"I didn't think you'd be home, JJ." Kiara whimpers.
"Okay. What's going on?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" JJ moves closer. "Your wrist." JJ points to Kiara whilst Kiara rolls her eyes. "Kie." JJ observes Kiara hesitate before putting her hand out to him. He can't help but gasp with what he sees. A hand mark is around her wrist, purple and blotchy.
"Who?" JJ warns, deeply.
"JJ, I…"
"Who, Kie?" He is seeing red. Kiara is hurt and nothing else matters.
"I can't tell you."
"Why?"
"Because you'll go back to him." He almost doesn't hear her. But he does. And nothing else matters as JJ drops Kiara's wrist before running to his backpack. His dad did this. Because of JJ. "JJ!"
JJ ignores as Kiara and Pope try to pull him back, with Brownie barking at their feet. He finds his way outdoors with Kiara and Pope close by. "You can't go there, JJ!"
"He did this because of me, Kie."
"Doesn't mean you should go back."
"It's better if I do." Everything will be better if JJ leaves.
"No. I can't…" Kiara keeps trying to pull at JJ but he keeps fighting through.
"I know Kie, you can't lose another best friend."
"No!" JJ pauses slightly, seeing the tears appear in Kiara's eyes. It's all because of him. She is only hurt because of him. "I can't lose you, JJ." She is still holding his arm. JJ is done with those words. He shakes off her hold and keeps storming to his bike.
"I can't lose the person that I'm in love with!" Kiara screeches after him.
Love. Did Kiara just…? No. He must have heard wrong. But she did say it. Love is a word that JJ has only heard once or twice. And it was always in a jokey way with John B and their brotherly love. He couldn't have heard it right. No one can just love JJ.
So, JJ doesn't turn around. He keeps walking to his bike, hearing Kiara trying to shout out to him. JJ is a man on a mission. No one can hurt Kiara.
…
"I can't lose the person that I'm in love with!" Kiara blurts out.
That's different. Love. Kiara has been ignoring those words for weeks, ever since Pope told her that that is what she feels. She becomes light as soon as the words are said, almost as if they have been waiting to be released. But that's how it's different. She couldn't lose Pope because he's her best friend. She can't lose JJ because she loves him.
Shit. She loves JJ Maybank.
She tries to watch for a reaction from JJ but he gives off nothing. He stutters slightly before continuing to walk to his bike. She feels as she breaks down. "No, JJ." She cries out but he doesn't respond. Kiara tries again. "JJ don't do this!" She is practically screaming as he gets onto his bike.
The bike is moving by the time that Kiara tries to run after him, only being stopped with Pope holding her back. "Let go, Pope!" Kiara cries.
"He will come back, Kie." Pope tries to argue.
"What if he doesn't?"
"He will, Kie."
Time is a concept. Something that moves on its own and cannot be stopped. There is no such thing as a pause button nor a fast forward button. Hell. Kiara wishes there was such thing as a rewind button. She could go back and save the world before the world even began to fall apart. She could save Sarah and John B by making sure that Rafe never killed the Sherriff. She could stop every fight between a Kook and a Pogue. In this moment, Kiara wishes she could go back and save JJ from his dad. Maybe even save his mom.
Time is the ultimate enemy- destroying people with just a tick, tick, tick. Time is something that everyone seems so obsessed with. 'What's the time?', 'If only we had more time.' Time controls everything. And time is the ultimate killer. Something that cannot be changed.
Kiara wishes she could change the time. Or at least make it move faster. JJ has been gone for three hours and thirty minutes. But time creates a persona that it's a lot longer. Kiara hasn't left the porch steps. Neither has Pope nor Brownie who are still sat beside her. "He'll come back." Pope the optimist repeats over and over again. Kiara isn't sure if the words are for her or for himself.
He has to come back.
No.
He needs to come back.
Every other minute, Kiara goes to stand up only to be pulled back down by Pope. She thinks to fight him. But every time, Pope just looks at her and says "let's wait a few minutes." Brownie is whimpering the other side of her obviously sensing who is missing.
Ice is resting on Kiara's wrist. But she doesn't care for the pain. There is only one thing on her mind. JJ. JJ. JJ. She spends the time thinking back to the times that JJ had probably taken a bruise for his friends. She remembers the time that the Pogues went to JJ's house unannounced. They spent the day drinking with JJ watching the door. They thought he was watching the door to make sure that his dad didn't call their parents. They didn't know that he was watching the door to make sure that his dad wouldn't catch and hurt the rest of the Pogues. The next day, JJ met up with them with a burn on his arm. He said it was from playing with fire. It wasn't.
It's Brownie that brings them back to attention. Brownie bounds off of the porch and into the direction of the bike that parks up. Kiara stands nervously, rearing herself with what she could be about to face. JJ jumps off of the bike, keeping his eyes away from Pope and Kiara. He instead storms straight into the chateau. Kiara nervously looks at Pope who is holding Brownie back. "You go in, Kie." Pope softly speaks from his seated position.
Kiara takes a deep breath before lightly walking into the chateau. JJ is leant by the pole, with his eyes still down. "JJ."
"I need your phone, Kie." His voice is strangled. Kiara moves closer, trying to get an idea of where JJ could be injured. But she sees no bruises, no cuts, no blood.
"JJ…" Her words drop when JJ pulls the gun out of his backpack.
"I just want to look up how to get rid of a gun."
"What?"
"You can't just throw it away." JJ half-jokes. Only JJ would make a joke in this situation. "I just won't be needing it anymore." JJ finally looks up. No bruises.
"Are you okay?" Kiara steps closer. All JJ does is nod. "Your dad?"
"It's over Kie." A small smile forms on JJ's face. Something that Kiara has grown fond of. "I won't be scared of my demons anymore." Kiara remains wary but she can't help but smile whilst stepping closer to JJ. "So, can I find out how to get rid of a gun or what?" Kiara just moves closer, taking the gun from his hands. This time, JJ doesn't fight to give Kiara the gun.
She wants to ask him. She wants to know what he means by it all being over. She wants to know what happened between JJ and his dad. But she is scared he'll run.
Kiara places the gun on the table before turning back to JJ. He takes her wrist. His touch is a soothing contrast to his own father's touch. JJ is light as he lightly glides over the bruises. It's nothing in comparison to the bruises that JJ has had to face. "I'm okay, JJ."
"I'm sorry, Kie."
"You didn't do anything." Kiara moves into his touch, bringing the two of them comfortably close. Kiara feels stupid of how oblivious she was to it all. Of course, it's JJ. He'll always be there for her and she won't lose him. Because that's love. It's so fucking obvious. She wipes away a tear that is rolling down JJ's face. Everything feels right all over again.
"Did you mean what you said before I left?" He did hear her. She wasn't sure at the time, but now it's too obvious to ignore. She can't live without JJ and their pull has always been different that the rest of the Pogues.
"I meant it" Their eyes lock and neither of them want to look away with the hint that there will be more. "I meant it, JJ." Kiara repeats with a bit more confidence. He doesn't reply with words. But he does lean down with Kiara meeting him half way.
Their lips meet in the middle and Kiara feels like she's floating. It all makes sense for the first time. Love is real. She was just blind. Moral to Kiara's story: always listen to Pope. But this is only the beginning to their story.
Pope really is the smartest Pogue.