author's note: this was an idea i had early on when my two first loves started but couldn't quite get it all written down until recently. it takes place before mason and ava break up. i wanted to write something where noah is there for emma during a difficult time and mason/ava aren't. i personally haven't lost someone i love but have had to emotionally take care of someone i love who has lost someone in their life very tragically, so some of this is written based on what i've personally experienced, so please be patient and compassionate if the descriptions of how grief and interacting with someone grieving triggers you. i used the farmer's almanac ( content/flower-meanings-language-flowers) to pick specific flowers to reference in this fic. the meaning of white jasmine is "sweet love, amiability" and pink camellias represent "longing for you," which i thought was fitting for noah. the other two flowers are defined in the fic.
copyright: all characters owned by pixelberry studios.
series/pairing: my two first loves - noah harris x mc
rating/warnings: PG; death, grief, mourning
word count: 3,349
based on/prompt: n/a
summary: it's the third anniversary of emma's mother's passing and the price family have plans to visit her grave. noah finds out and offers emma his heart in support.
i don't feel so alone anymore
the day was here again. i can't believe it's been three years, emma thought to herself as she grabbed a black sweater dress and pulled on a pair of black tights. am i really going to wear all black today? screw it, she thought, pulling on her calf-length black leather boots as well. she didn't want to spend another minute thinking about her outfit or school. she just needed to make it to lunch.
emma sighed and pulled out a photo album from the bookshelf on her desk, opening it about three quarters of the way with practiced ease. she couldn't help but smile at the photo in front of her – the last time her family was complete and happy. she had just started her freshman year of high school and made the cheerleading squad.
"we need to celebrate! can we have 4 specials, including milkshakes, and the family-sized ice cream sundae for dessert?" mrs. price ordered in rapid-fire succession, before everyone had even settled into the booth.
"mom, you know we're not going to be able to finish all of that!" emma said, trying to be serious but failing to stop the wide grin on her face.
mr. price put his arm around his wife's shoulders. "it must be a special occasion if we're getting the ice cream sundae."
mrs. price looked pointedly at her husband, but the twinkle in her eye suggested she was teasing. "of course, it's a special occasion. our little emma bear is a high schooler and a cheerleader!"
emma stuck her tongue out at the childish nickname her mom continued to use. "mom, don't call me that!"
it was the last memory she had of her mother that she could look back on fondly, before she got sick. emma traced her mother's face with her finger, her gaze lingering on the deep purple scarf with pink and gold flower detail and matching dangling earring set. she looked up at the box hidden in the top shelf inside her closet, where those same scarf and earring set were stored, untouched for the past three years. taking a deep breath, emma grabbed the box and pulled out the scarf first, running the soft fabric through her fingers before wrapping it delicately around her neck. she picked up the gold dangling earrings next, sliding them onto her ears, the pink and purple crystal flowers catching the soft light of the bathroom lights. her phone buzzed a few times and she glanced over at the notifications.
noah: [want a ride to school?]
mason: [hey emma, need a ride to school?]
it was the same every morning, except when mason was carpooling with ava. she stopped expecting texts from ava, after she decided that emma was trying to steal her boyfriend. however, she was not in the mood for any of the stupid drama today. she quickly texted a brief "no," to both, put her phone on airplane mode, and followed her dad out to his car.
"i'll pick you guys up at 12:00, right here," mr. price said, looking over at emma and mackenzie, who just nodded and stepped out of the car.
emma looked over at her dad and noticed the tired look on his face. his eyes were red and puffy, like he had spent the night crying. "we'll get through this together," she said, softly.
mr. price met her gaze and smiled. "you look beautiful today, just like your mother did when she wore that scarf."
emma felt her lips quirk up. "thanks, dad." she gave him a quick peck on the cheek and stepped out.
she wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone today. she walked to her locker to grab her history textbook before heading to homeroom.
"look at miss goth-wannabe over there. going to a funeral?"
emma took a deep breath. she saw lauren and ava walking towards her out of the corner of her eye and turned away so she wouldn't have to make eye contact. she blinked rapidly at the stinging feeling forming behind her eyes at lauren's comment and quickly sat down in the back corner of the room, on the side of the room closest to the door. if she had looked at ava, she would've seen the conflict on her best friend's face. but they weren't really talking these days, and emma didn't want to feel hurt and disappointed in case ava didn't remember what today was. only four hours to go.
as soon as the bell rang that signaled the start of lunch, emma walked as fast as she could toward the school entrance. she was weaving around students heading to their lockers or the cafeteria, heading in the opposite direction, when someone grabbed her wrist. emma tried to yank her wrist away and whirled around to see who had grabbed her.
"hey emma, where are you rushing off to? is everything okay?" noah asked softly, still holding onto emma's wrist.
emma looked up at him and her eyes softened at the genuine concern in noah's eyes. she bit her lip as she debated internally whether to tell him the truth. there were only two people who really knew what happened freshman year and would understand why today was so significant, but of course, those were the two people she wasn't really talking to much lately.
"my dad's picking me up for lunch and i have a free period after. i'll be back for practice," she said finally, avoiding eye contact.
noah let go of her wrist and moved to tuck a stray hair behind her ear. the simple motion made emma's heart flutter and her body tense. bringing her eyes up to meet his, emma let out breath she didn't realize she was holding. noah's gaze was soft, gentle, but inquiring in a vulnerable way. his hand lingered by her cheek and she subconsciously started to lean into his palm. as if on cue, noah brought his palm closer and emma felt his thumb gently stroke her cheek.
there was something about the look he was giving her that made emma want to let him in. "we're going to visit my mom's grave. she died three years ago today," she said softly, dropping her gaze to the floor.
noah held her chin firm and lifted her face so she was looking at him again. "i'm so sorry," he murmured. "it's understandable why you'd want to avoid everyone today. what can i do?"
emma pulled back instinctively, startled, but noah's grip on her chin held her in place. most people who had never lost a loved one usually asked, "are you okay?" and emma would say "i'm fine," as if it were a reflex. if they hadn't lost a loved one, sometimes she would get the unintentionally offensive "time heals all wounds," that she'd respond to with silence until they awkwardly excused themselves from the conversation. this was the first time in a long time someone just acknowledged her pain and asked her what they could do to be supportive rather than presume she wanted to hear unsolicited advice.
"that's really sweet. i don't think anyone's really asked me that before, so i don't really know if there's anything you can do. but i really appreciate it," she said finally, feeling a small smile appear on her face.
"i have a free period after lunch too," noah started slowly, bringing his thumb to stroke her bottom lip. "i could keep you company or provide you with a distraction. whatever you need."
his voice never wavered but emma saw the uncertainty in his eyes that darted between her eyes and her lips.
emma smiled a little wider. "that sounds nice. maybe you can meet me at the graveyard after my dad goes back to work? i'll text you."
noah's eyes seemed to brighten and soften at the same time. "you got it, emma," he said and with one last, quick glance at her lips, he dropped his hand from her face.
as soon as his hand left her face, emma missed the warmth. her gaze dropped to his lips once, before moving back up to meet his in what she hoped would be seen as silently asking for permission. noah's gaze darkened so slightly that emma wondered if she imagined it, before his soft lips were on hers. she wasn't sure who moved first, maybe they both moved at the same time, but all she could focus on was noah. he was kissing her sweetly and gently, as if he were afraid of pushing too hard or overstepping, and it was just what she needed.
she finally pulled away after what felt like minutes even though it was probably a few seconds and smiled. "thank you," she said, giving his hand a squeeze before walking out the door.
ten minutes later, emma slid into the booth next to mack at the diner they used to go at least once a week. now they went as a family a couple times a year, in the spirit of remembering her mom. both mack and her dad were quiet and staring at the menus in front of them.
"3 specials with milkshakes and an ice cream sundae?" she suggested, mustering an encouraging smile on her face as she looked at her dad.
mr. price's face brightened a little. "that sounds perfect for today."
mack rolled her eyes but couldn't stop a smile from forming on her face. "i am definitely going to fall into a food coma after lunch."
emma quickly put in their order, making sure to also ask for coffee for her dad. once the food came, the awkwardness dissipated a little as they reminisced about their favorite memories with their mom. emma noticed both mack and her dad's expressions seemed a little lighter by the time they were ready to leave.
after the meal, and boxing up lots of leftovers, they headed to the graveyard after a quick stop at the florist to pick up a bouquet of pink calla and stargazer lilies. emma held tightly on to the bouquet the entire ride over, feeling a sting behind her eyes and trying to keep the tears at bay by blinking rapidly. her mom absolutely loved pink lilies in all forms and while looking down at the picture-perfect flowers in her hands, she could feel how much she missed her mom. she missed her so much it physically hurt.
all too soon, she's standing in front of her grave and the large tombstone with only the left half filled out. her parents had bought a shared plot and tombstone when her mom got sick. it was one of her mom's strengths – she was always thinking ahead to find ways to lighten the burden on her family, even if said burdens came. the design and inscription on the tombstone were thoughtfully designed and selected by her mom, so the message was especially poignant. it was also the way her mom removed the burden from her family of having to deal with the logistics of arranging everything while they were deep in their grief.
"i love you mom. and i miss you so much every day," emma said softly, kneeling down to help her dad clear out the weeds in front of the stone before laying the bouquet down. i hope i've made you proud, she thought to herself, taking a few steps back to allow her dad and mack to have their own private moments.
mr. price stood between emma and mack with an arm around each daughter. he gave their shoulders a light squeeze and emma wrapped her arm around her dad's waist to give him a one-armed hug.
"come on girls, i'll give you a ride back to school," he said as he started walking back toward the car. mack followed but emma hesitated.
"actually, i'd like to stay a little longer. i don't have any more classes today so i just need to get back in time for practice. i can take the bus back," emma explained, tensing as she waited for her dad's reaction. to be honest, she expected him to get angry and go into a lecture about skipping school even if she had a free period, but he didn't.
he was quiet for a few moments before nodding. "i'll see you at home later. be careful," he said, turning back around.
emma let out the breath she was holding. she ignored the 30 unread texts and 5 voicemails from mason and sent a quick text to noah, who arrived more quickly than she expected. she walked back toward the main path so he could see where she was and noticed that he was holding two bouquets.
"what's this?" she asked, as they walked back to her mom's grave.
noah looked at her sheepishly. "well, i wanted to bring you and your mom something. the hyacinth and gladiolus flowers are for your mom," he said, pushing the bouquet in his right hand toward her.
emma bent her face down to take in the scent of the flowers. "these are beautiful. usually people just get roses or chrysanthemums. i don't think i've heard of these before, why'd you pick them?"
"i did some research on the meaning of flowers. white hyacinths can represent prayers for someone, and gladiolus flowers represent remembrance," he said, softly. "i wanted these to be special."
emma felt her heart swell with warmth. "noah… you being here is special. but thank you, this is incredibly thoughtful." she smiled and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. she motioned for him to place the flowers next to her bouquet from earlier before turning back to the grave.
"mom, i want you to meet someone special. this is noah harris from school, a very important friend i made this year," emma said softly, intertwining her fingers with noah's and giving him a light squeeze.
"just a friend?" he teased softly.
emma blushed and tried to keep her gaze forward. "i, well, you're special to me," she stumbled, embarrassed.
noah squeezed her hand. "you're special to me, too." he turned to address the grave. "mrs. price, you have an amazing daughter. she tried so hard to become my friend when everyone else preferred to ignore me. i never thought i'd have someone like her in my life, someone who sees me for me and chooses to see good. i am so grateful that you raised her to be so kind and thoughtful."
emma's jaw dropped and she turned to look at noah's face. even from his profile, she could tell he was being sincere, and very vulnerable. he turned to her with a soft smile and emma just felt like her insides were melting. she surged forward to kiss him, hard, letting go of his hand so she could wrap hers around his neck. noah took a step back in surprise but quickly regained his balance and held her waist firmly as he kissed her back. he pulled back shortly after to hand her the other bouquet, which emma had forgotten about. she took the bouquet from him and inhaled the perfume radiating off the pink and white flowers before looking back up at him.
"these are for you. white jasmine and pink camellias," he said softly, tucking a stray hair behind her ear.
"thank you," emma said, sighing happily when noah placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "and what do these flowers represent?"
noah was silent. emma looked up from the flowers at him curiously but he was avoiding her gaze. was he blushing? she couldn't remember if she had ever seen him blush before and now, she was really curious about what these flowers represented.
"you're blushing! now i really want to know. please or i'll just look it up," emma teased, elated at finally seeing noah blush.
noah turned to head back toward the main path, but not before he grabbed her hand and intertwined their fingers. "i think i'd rather you look it up when you get home so you can't tease me anymore today," he said quickly as they made their way to his motorcycle.
"fiiiine, but i reserve the right to tease you about it tonight or tomorrow," emma said, taking the spare helmet from noah.
he grimaced but emma could see the ghost of a smile twinkling in his eyes. she climbed behind him on the motorcycle and held tight as they made their way back to school. they walked hand-in-hand to the football field, ignoring the looks from everyone as they continued toward their respective locker rooms to get changed for practice. emma held on to her bouquet tightly and couldn't wipe the smile off her face as she chatted with noah the entire walk over.
if anyone was looking closely, which emma wasn't, they would've noticed that noah wasn't really saying anything but looking at emma adoringly as if everything she was saying was the most interesting thing ever. which it was, at least, to him. not even seeing ava being handsy with mason could put a damper on emma's spirits as she said goodbye to noah before heading over to the bleachers for cheer practice.
"how good of you to come back for practice after skipping school at lunch," lauren remarked sarcastically as emma started stretching. the entire cheer squad and even mason seemed to have gone silent, waiting for emma's reaction or response.
emma took a deep breath and straightened up to look at lauren directly with a frostiness that seemed out of character. she could see ava and mason out of the corner of her eye look at her with concern. "i didn't skip. my dad signs us out for a half day so we can visit my mom's grave on the anniversary of her death every year. got a problem with that?" she stated, her voice unwavering. lauren's eyes widened in surprise. "didn't think so."
"two laps everyone, now!" ava ordered. the other cheerleaders seemed relieved as they started jogging away from the bleachers. "emma, wait. can we talk?"
emma paused and turned to look at ava and mason. "em, i'm sorry. i tried texting and calling you all day," mason said, hands clenching as though he was trying to keep himself from reaching out for her. emma knew what he was really saying, which was that either he was sorry he forgot it was the anniversary of her mom's death and that emma would need all the support she could get from her friends or that he remembered and was sorry he didn't try harder to reach out. maybe he was too preoccupied with ava.
emma gave both of her friends long, appraising looks. "is that all?" she said, a little inwardly surprised at her own indifference. ever since her two best friends started dating, instead of seeing them both more, she saw them even less. she thought she would feel less alone after coming back from wisconsin but being a third wheel threw a wrench in that. until she started getting to know noah.
"emma… you know we're here for you," ava said softly, her eyes searching emma's face for cues.
emma thought back to how noah stopped her in the hallway before she left to meet her dad and the flowers he brought to the graveyard. "except you know, you actually weren't there for me today," she said, giving them both a piercing look. mason and ava seemed to both tense and inwardly withdraw.
"but don't worry, i'm okay. more than okay, actually. for the first time in a long time, i'm happy and i don't feel so alone anymore," she said, more to herself than to them, as she turned to start jogging along the track.
she didn't look back at the concerned looks on mason's and ava's faces but did wave to noah when she noticed he was looking at her. she still missed her mom every day, but today it didn't hurt as much. and she knew who to thank for that.