There are a great many duties that England is responsible for being an empire. He is constantly traveling and the paperwork that follows him around the globe only grows with each destination. What he wouldn't give to be able to spend a day alone in his home with only a cup of tea and whatever fancy of the day to keep him company. Unfortunately, he hardly has a day to himself.

Today will be no exception to that.

His office door rattled under a pounding knock. Before he could move to answer it, the door flew open. America, the walking natural disaster that he is, bounced in. He smiled like he is perfectly carefree and there is no paper trail following after him, the brat. Without a doubt the paperwork lands on his desk but is determinedly ignored. After all, America has never cared for propriety or privacy.

"Arthur!" The door slammed shut behind him. A portrait on the wall shook. "England! Why didn't you tell me about your secret sex room?"

England gasped and chocked on air. America sat on his desk. He bounced his feet off the front of the desk as England struggled to breathe.

What…what in the world was America talking about? England's face blazed. Who had told America whatever he had been told? France. It had to be France. No one else would dare say anything so salacious.

"Come on England," America whined. "I wanna go. Please. Give me a pass, please. You know how much I love archeology. I went to all those digs during the Bone Wars. Come on, let me see it." He patted England's desk repeatedly, as if between one slap and the next his desire would just materialize.

America never made any sense. He was convinced that it was due to some birth defect because nothing England had ever done in his years raising the nation would result in this. But this demand was more confusing than normal. America constantly whined but never begged. And here he was whining and wiggling on his desk like a small child at his parents' feet.

Acidic words slipped from England's mouth instinctively. "I seem to recall a lot of dynamite being used for those endeavors."

America laughed. "Oh yeah. Definitely. There was way too many explosives involved. So much damage was done. But my point still stands. I wanna see your secret archeology sex room."

Finally, it clicked in England's head. "Oh, the Secretum."

"Yeah, the secret sex room. How could I have been clearer?" America leaned over the desk. "What did you think I was talking about?"

"Nothing. It just has so many names and I hadn't heard of it being called…the secret sex room before."

"Yeah but that's what it is. So why mince words?"

"Of course," England said dryly. America was technically correct, if you had no concern about sounding like a depraved sex maniac. He's not even sure why America thinks he wants to see the room. The younger nation has always shied away from even talking about such subjects. Then again, one of America's oldest allies was France and he had to have a way of coping with that sex crazed frog.

"You do know it's not technically mine. I will have to contact the museum about obtaining a pass."

"No problem. It's the British Museum. You always brag about it. I have a priceless artifact depicting this rare sacred ritual. It's Greek, no other like it in the world. And the natives weren't even guarding it or anything. Blah blah, and so on and so on." America's voice went higher with every word he spoke. It became a physically painful mockery of England's accent by the end.

On second thought, America was always impatient and nosey. Maybe his interest had nothing to do with the subject matter or France and had more to do with the fact that it was a 'secret.' "I do not sound like that."

America grinned at his scowl. "Yeah you do. So, when can we go?"

England felt an urge to throw America out of his offices' window. It wouldn't' be the first time another nation had plunged into the rose bushes below, but he had been warned by the gardener that the roses could sustain more injuries than his unwanted visitors. He took a deep breath even as America started giggling at him. If letting the hellion into The Secretum got him to shut up… "As soon as we hear from the museum."

It takes more time for England to clear his schedule than it takes for the museum to reply.

America talks a mile a minute on the way over. And he doesn't stop moving the whole time. Even at the doors to Cabinet 55, he's still making noise and bouncing. Although he's moved onto humming toneless tunes rather than talking at England. Yet as the door opens America goes silent. Perhaps he hadn't overcome his prudish behavior?

England watched America more than the artifacts around them. He'd already seen most of them when they were acquisitioned, standing over crates as the curators gasped and twittered at the obscene nature of each find. Besides, the expressions America was making is far more entertaining and new.

The younger nation fared well when they encountered the first nude statue. He didn't look at the fine details, but he had looked at it. His eyes were focused in on the face. However, as they made their way further in America gets redder and redder. His breath became audibly quicker and shallow. By the time they got to the satire and the goat, America was trembling. He curled into himself, his shoulders raised up to his ears.

And oh, England knows that the younger nation is regretting it enough as is, but he can't resist. The opportunity is simply too good and too rare. The normally shamelessly proud nation is easy prey in this one moment.

"So, America," the British nation spoke slowly, savoring every syllable. America cried out. He jumped into the air and scrambled back from the statue. England didn't bother to hide his smile. America couldn't even look at him anyways. There's his little colony, innocently mortified and flustered. "What do you think of the collection?"

America's mouth opened and closed without a sound. If only he could be so quiet normally. His eyes darted around wildly. He grew steadily redder. It got to the point that England started to wonder if he should be alarmed by the unnatural shade he's achieving.

"It…ah…very…ah…." After several minutes of silence, America was finally able to speak gibberish. His jaw snapped shut with a click and he pressed his lips into such a thin line that they practically disappear. Then he nodded solemnly. With a crisp military turn America marched out.

England watched every step even as his eyes start to well with tears. Only once America disappeared through the door does he allow himself to break down. His laughter filled the room. His sides began to hurt so much that he leaned back on the shelves. Every time he closed his eyes, he can picture America's face with perfect detail. What had the young nation expected to see? Oh, this was just too good. He had to find out who told America about the Secretum.

Notes:

Many obscene objects were put under lock and key in museums as early as 1830. In Britain in 1857 the Obscene Objects Act was passed. In 1865 Cabinet of Obscene Objects was officially created. It was also known as Cabinet 55, the Secretum, and colloquially as the Porn Room. Originally to enter the room a permit was needed proving that you were of mature years and of sound morals.

The Secretum lasted until the late 1950s. A lot of the objects once in there are on public display at several museums.

I could not find pictures of what the Secretum looked like so I based it off the museum store rooms I have seen.

The Bone Wars or the Great Dinosaur Race took place from 1877 to 1892. It was a competition between Edward Drinker Cope and Othniel Charles Marsh. Although they were not the only paleontologists at the time.

These men were crazy. They would literally use dynamite to destroy each other's dig sites, falsify data, and accuse each other of theft. While they discovered 136 species between them, they did a lot of damage to reputation of paleontology and their peers. Some of their mistakes are only being discovered recently, like in the 2000s recently.

Side note the late 1800s early 1900s are a period when Americans were really focused on art and science in an effort to prove they were just as good if not better than Europe. You can also see this in the American Impressionism movement, think Monet like paintings. (Europe's impressionism focuses on nature and regular life, while America's focuses on the lives of the wealthy.)

Also, a ton of the stuff you see in museums were straight up stolen. Even today artifacts are stolen and sold on the art market.