Staccato beats of white and blue flashes flood the chateau.
Sirens wail to scare away any sign of silence.
A journey that should be fast that drags out all concepts of time.
All to get to the sanitary, white room where the angels can work their magic.
JJ has always hated hospitals. How the pure cleanliness of the rooms tries to hide all the pain and aching that goes on between the rooms. How it's never certain that someone will make it out alive. How the doctors ask 'how are you doing?' every five minutes as if they care. The pain of the eerie, quiet hospital rooms is everything that JJ hates. Because in the entirety of JJ's life, a hospital has always meant questions, questions, questions. And the truth would always cause him more suffering than the reason why he even went to the hospital in the first place. It's why JJ has always hidden away and told everyone 'I'm fine' or 'I'll heal' and 'I don't need the hospital.' Because the angels that could save him are stuck behind his father. The same father that would only show him agony.
Staying away from the questioning doctors kept JJ alive.
The angels are needed now.
He had been kicked out of the chateau for annoying a heavily pregnant Kiara. Strike one. He decided to go to work when he should have stayed with the pregnant Kiara. Strike two. He should have only been gone for an hour tops. Strike Three. JJ's heart almost exploded when he got back to the chateau to see flashing lights and Sarah freaking out on the porch. All it took was five words for JJ to sink.
Kie is in the hospital.
JJ has always avoided hospitals. Everything about a hospital has made JJ want to run away. How they are always crowded with people circulating different emotions. How a group of people can celebrate life at one door all whilst another group of people mourn the door that has been shut forevermore. Avoiding hospitals has been JJ's way of avoiding the mix of raw emotions. JJ can avoid the idea that his mother probably was rushed to the hospital when she took her own life only for the angels to not be able to bring her back. Avoiding hospitals allows JJ to ignore his own wonderings of if he would have been able to save his mom and himself if he answered the questions.
The hospital is where the line between life and death is crossed. And JJ has always avoided seeing that line by not stepping a foot in the hospital more than he needed to. Three times. He has been in the hospital three times. And every single time, the angels were unable to save JJ from the suffering. This is the fourth time that JJ has been in a hospital. But he knows this time is different. Because this time it's Kiara. And Kiara deserves to be saved by the angels.
It's not fair on Kiara. Kiara has never done anything wrong. Her nine months of pregnancy have sure been hard and she has been emotional as hell but she doesn't deserve this. It doesn't make sense. JJ had been gone for a couple of hours, leaving Kiara alone with Sarah and Brownie. Nothing was meant to happen. But it did. Sarah told JJ that she collapsed, hitting her head on the side of the counter. Blood came from the cut and JJ wasn't there. No book that JJ made Pope read to him said anything about sudden issues. None of the books said anything about collapsing without a warning. But Kiara collapsed with no warning.
Sitting still has always been hard for JJ. Ever since he was a little boy, JJ has had a nervous tick making it impossible to sit still for any longer than five seconds. The tick made him impatient. He always finds himself fiddling with his ring or tapping his fingertips onto his knee. But JJ gave his ring to Kiara. Instead, JJ finds himself fiddling with the bracelet that he made to match Kiara's bracelet. The bracelets used as rings for their wedding. He picks at the threadbare edges as his knee jumps up and down. JJ can't control anything today which makes him even more impatient than normal.
JJ promised Kiara that they would be okay. That everything was going to be okay if they stuck together. He has to keep believing that promise as he sits in the waiting area of the hospital with the rest of the Pogues. John B and Pope arrived at the hospital as soon as Sarah told them what had happened. Pope keeps telling JJ that everything is alright. But he has always been an optimist. John B says nothing. He just keeps smiling sympathetically at JJ. Kiara deserves optimism. JJ has to be like Pope the Optimist for the first time in his life.
JJ the Optimist. The cup is half full. Everything has a positive outcome if we wish for it. Optimism is hard for JJ. But this is for Kiara. And JJ can't break a promise. Not to Kiara.
His fingers fidget anxiously with the bracelet around his wrist all whilst his leg's frantic movements become more static. His mind is a whirlwind of what ifs. What if JJ had stayed at the chateau with Kiara? What if he came home earlier? What if he noticed something sooner? The what ifs are irrational but JJ can't control his brain as it jumbles with the sound of distant machines and chatter amongst the nurses.
The machines create a buzzing that JJ can't swat away. The buzzing will only get louder and louder. The machines literally telling if someone is alive or dead mixed with the general gossip of nurses whispering about patients and their lives that JJ couldn't care less about. JJ's mind is jumbled with the buzzing of the busy hospital that Kiara is having to fight for her life. And the baby's life that is growing inside of her. Kiara and the unborn baby are depending on those buzzing machines. JJ is counting on those buzzing machines.
"JJ." A voice echoes through the buzzing but JJ can only concentrate on the machines. The heart beat that is telling JJ that the people near the waiting room are still alive. Those strangers are alive so Kiara must be alright. Irrational. But JJ can't control his thinking. "JJ." The voice tries to fight through the buzzing again. But the thing that catches up with JJ is a hand being placed on his shoulder.
The hand makes JJ jump as the buzzing quietens down enough for JJ to look up at the figure of Mike Carrera. His eyes are glassy but JJ thinks his must reflect the same. Neither of them could lose Kiara. "Mr C." JJ is able to squeak out before turning back to focussing on the noises around the hospital. Mike sits down next to JJ.
"Hospitals suck." Mike jokes flatly. Maybe it isn't a joke but JJ is not sure.
"Yeah. Always hated them." JJ mutters out whilst listening to the beeping of a heart beat from the other room. "But Kiara is strong." JJ has to believe his own words. He has to remain true to his promise.
"She's just like her mother." Mike begins. "Strong and stubborn. It's probably why she even took you and that pup in with her. She has always remained strong and stubborn for the people that she loves."
JJ internally cringes at Mike's indication of something from the past. Because it can't be over. It just can't be over. "And she likes to remain strong in front of people that need to be fixed."
"She likes to fix everything." JJ lets out a slight laugh.
"Yeah. And she fixed you up pretty well, JJ. Given your dad." JJ just looks at Mike in confusion. Sure, everyone knows that Maybanks are dirt but still. No one thought JJ was any better than his dad. "Turning up to the Wreck with bruises all over your faces after Kiara told me that you stayed home all day tells me everything that I need to know."
"I just didn't want anyone to see what the Kooks did." JJ lies. He can't help but continuously find a way to hide his past.
"JJ. You don't need to lie. I knew your dad and I know you. You don't have to admit it but I know. I know what he did to you." JJ can't help but look down, unable to find any lie to cover his insecurities all over again. "It's a compliment, JJ. You're nothing like your father."
"I know."
"Good. But Kiara's not the only saviour in that fishing shack. Without you, Kiara would have grown up to be everything that her mother wanted her to be. You saved her from a future that she never wanted."
"But this isn't the future that she wanted either."
"Everything changes when you become a parent." Mike remains so sure that it confuses JJ. It's hard for JJ to remember that Mike Carrera used to be like him. Just a boy from the cut. A boy that never thought he would have a future. "And they'll both make it out of this because Kiara is tenacious. She wouldn't let this take her down."
He wants to believe every word from Mike Carrera. Because Mike Carrera has always been the one that understands every element to JJ and Kiara. But JJ can't help but feel scared for what demons a hospital can bring.
The conversation between Mike and JJ is cut short when the buzzing from the other room is no longer filled with the consistent beeping from the machine that tells the difference between life and death. JJ watches as the gossiping nurses run towards the room all whilst doctors run into the room with purpose. The beeping becomes a long ringing that only echoes around the small waiting room. The only thudding that JJ can hear is from his own heart as his heart skips a beat at the sound of cries. The pain bought from the hospital that JJ knows so well. Nothing can fight the pain away.
It's just a stranger. Someone that JJ shouldn't even care about. JJ should be only focusing on waiting for any news on Kiara and the baby but JJ can't keep his mind from wondering to those irrational thoughts. What if the same thing is happening to Kiara? What if that is Kiara? When the ringing becomes too much, JJ finds himself storming towards the reception desk, frantically trying to search for answers. He needs to know something. Because listening to the painful buzzing of the strangers around the hospital is too much when Kiara is nowhere nearby.
The buzzing is a consistent nightmare. But he can't just blink these nightmares away. He can't just reach out for Kiara because he doesn't even know where she is. It's the storm that JJ can't blink away. He is lost in the waves whilst Kiara has to fight alone. He can't reach her. JJ can't reach her in time. No. He won't let her be taken by the army of waves.
'Count with me JJ bean." JJ fights back the tears when his mom's voice echoes around his head. JJ fights to remain strong. Strong enough to breathe out "Kiara Carrera. What room is she in?" The reception only looks at him, muddled. "It's not that fucking hard. Just tap on that fucking computer and tell me what's going on." JJ chokes out.
"I can't give information out."
"I'm her family. I need to know where she is!" Tears manage to break through JJ, soaking his cheeks as he shakes in front of the girl behind the desk.
"JJ." JJ doesn't turn when he hears Mike's voice.
"JJ, come on." John B's voice doesn't even make JJ turn around.
"She's having my baby and I need to know! I need to know that she is going to be okay!" JJ cries out before feeling arms pull him away from the desk. Shaking, JJ stutters back into Mike and John B. "I need to know! I need to fucking know!" Tears stream down his face as JJ looks around frantically as if trying to work out the room himself.
"She is going to be alright, JJ." John B tries to soothe JJ but it doesn't work. 'Count with me JJ bean.' Not even the memory of JJ's mother can make him stop. Because they're not Kiara. They don't know how to stop the revolving thoughts in his own brain. Only Kiara knows. He only needs Kiara.
It's then that JJ looks into the room where he saw doctors and nurses running into frantically. Confusion floods JJ when he sees the empty room. No machines beeping. No doctors. No nurses. No patients. Nothing. It only makes JJ's sobs louder. He needs Kiara to remain sane.
His heart skips a beat when he sees a person walk past the door of the room. A person that he recognises thoroughly. But it only creates a deeper feeling inside of JJ. "Count with me, JJ bean." The person says before turning back to the bed. It's only then that JJ understands his own insanity. Because that patient in the bed is his own mother. From years ago. The same day that the cops came to tell JJ that his mom was dead. The machines aren't beeping because it's all in JJ's head. What if everything, even Kiara, is all in JJ's head?
Short breaths leave JJ as he looks back to the group of Pogues. They all wear worried expressions. Worried for JJ? Maybe. Worried for Kiara? Definitely. "She can't die. I… I… I need her. I can't… I can't do this alone." JJ hiccups out before feeling all arms capture him in a hug. He thinks it starts with Mike Carrera himself but it doesn't take long for all of the Pogues to join in and JJ can't hold back any longer. It's his own cries that fill the buzzing of the hospital and maybe a couple of mixed tears from Sarah and Mike.
"If we can survive that storm, Kie can survive this." John B muffles into the hug. Burying his head in whoever's shoulder he can find, JJ lets the tears just fall as he holds onto the Pogues and Mr Carrera for dear life.
The hug breaks apart after a doctor calls JJ's name. He still needs answers. JJ turns to the rollercoaster of emotions. The doctor that should be saving Kiara. "JJ Maybank."
"Where's Kie?" JJ sniffles out.
"She is going to be fine." As soon as the doctor finishes those words, JJ doesn't care about anything else. Because the angels are saying Kiara is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. He hasn't broken his promises to her. "But…" JJ's celebrations are short-lived. "We're going to have to perform an emergency c-section to try and save the baby. I'm sorry but the baby may not survive."
A c-section. JJ remembers Pope saying something about that. It's a way of giving birth when the 'normal' way is not accessible. JJ remembers Pope saying that they are common and safe. But JJ also remembers the horror stories that he read himself when he stole one of the Pogues' phones to doctor google the complications. It's not just the baby that could die. Anything could happen to Kiara. JJ's eyes flicker around the room as if trying to find the answers within the small area of the room. What if he loses both Kiara and the baby in one swoop? It would be just him and Brownie. And what if only the baby survives? JJ is hardly sensible enough to look after Brownie let alone a baby. JJ thought he would be prepared enough through all of the books read by Pope.
But not even the books have all of the answers.
JJ remains numb when he follows the doctor to Kiara. The doctor looks to be speaking to JJ but he can't hear anything. The buzzing from the machines from the rooms they pass fill JJ's ears as he focuses on Kiara. JJ thinks he hears the doctor tell him "She is under anaesthesia and won't be awake" at some point but JJ can only listen to his own heart beating. They walk/run to the speed of his heart, going ahead of the journey that JJ doesn't understand fully. There should be more books for the dads in the situation. But JJ and Kiara have never followed the orders of a book. They do everything unconventionally. But for the first time, JJ wishes they stuck to the rule book.
The operation room contrasts the white, stillness of the many areas in the hospital. The room is dark and heavy, with lights all shining down on Kiara as if she is being interrogated. Tables of different instruments that JJ has never seen are scattered around the room as if this is something straight out of a fucking movie. But it's real life. It's JJ and Kiara and it's not fair. Kiara has already been through so much that she doesn't deserve this hell as well. She lays on the bed unconscious and JJ almost collapses in hyperventilating tears just from the mere sight of her.
But Kiara deserves someone that is strong. Someone better than JJ's recklessness.
The beeping of the machines makes JJ focus on her heart beat when he sits down next to her motionless body. His heart is beating just as fast, not knowing what is going to happen. JJ has never been one to plan something but even this is taking it too far. The future remains uncertain as he sits down next to Kiara all whilst praying of gods in which JJ has never believed in before. Doctors talk but JJ just watches Kiara and listens to the beeping on the machine. He wants her to wake up and assure him that everything is going to be okay. But Kiara can't wake up without hurting the baby. She can't wake up without hurting herself.
JJ watches Kiara to calm himself down. Because he has to be strong for her when she has always been strong for him. The doctors say something to JJ but JJ can't hear them over the beeping of the machines and his own heartbeat that is thumping through his own chest. Staying by her head, JJ is obstructed from seeing the incision made. He is unable to see how the c-section even works but JJ doesn't care. He needs to be by Kiara's side the entire time. JJ doesn't even look up when the doctors pull away from Kiara's stomach, holding something small in her arms. JJ just keeps looking down at Kiara because he knows her more than anyone else. He will know if something is wrong.
Even laying here on the medical bed, Kiara still looks strong. The strongest Pogue that has gone through hell goes through even more when the doctors move back to assess Kiara. Kiara remains strong through everything and even when she breaks down, she finds a way to fight through her demons all whilst JJ finds himself trapped in with the terrors.
Wails cut through the sounds of the beeping making JJ look up from Kiara. All at once, JJ understands. Because the strongest girl did it. The cries get louder and every book that Pope read to JJ stated that a baby's cry is a positive after birth. "It's a girl." The doctor smiles at JJ, cementing that the angels have done their work. Kiara remains strong as she remains asleep whilst their daughter cries through the room. It makes JJ let out a sigh of relief. Because his promise is still valid.
Everything is okay.
…
Blinding light fills Kiara's eyes. It makes her struggle to look around the room. White rooms. Loud beeping from the weird looking machine next to her. The drip that is circulating into Kiara's bloodstream. The whispers from the end of her bed. It doesn't take Kiara long to realise that she is in a hospital.
It does however take her a couple of moments to look at the state of herself. The last thing Kiara remembers is yelling at the barking dog in the kitchen of the chateau and then the feeling of suffocation as her ears rang and her mind went fuzzy. She remembers Brownie barking being the last sound that Kiara remembers from before everything went dark. Her body is numb as her head begins to ache. It takes a moment for Kiara to realise that she has a bandage over the top of her head. And then she looks at the rest of her body and notices everything. And she can no longer feel anything moving within her.
Stress fills Kiara when questions fill her head. Revolving questions of what happened to the baby? And most importantly, is the baby alive? Nine months. Nine months of a whirlwind of emotions and Kiara doesn't even know what to think. She can only remember darkness. When she tries to sit up, Kiara's entire body aches both physically and mentally. Aching for answers. "Kie." It takes Kiara a moment to realise that JJ is sat next to her in the small armchair. Her breaths return to normal in an instant. "Kie. You're okay. Everything is okay." JJ leans forward before reaching for her hand.
When his hand reaches for Kiara, she instinctively pulls her hand away before she even can take in what is going on. Kiara lays her head back against the bed and looks to the ceiling. "The baby." Kiara manages to say.
"Is a girl." A girl. Kiara knew it. She knew it was a girl. Everything within Kiara knew that it was going to be a girl but the news doesn't make Kiara burst with joy. Kiara's eyes remain glued to the ceiling as she comes to terms that the baby lived. "And she is alive because she is just as strong as you." JJ jokes but it falls flat on Kiara. Kiara feels too weak to laugh. Or do anything at all. "And stubborn as well." JJ whispers the last joke.
"So, when can I go home?" She can't help but snap. But Kiara has always hated hospitals. She wants to get as far away from the hospital as possible.
"I think they need to do some more tests, Kie."
"Why?"
"Because you just had a c-section." It makes Kiara roll her eyes. Of course, she fucking knows what has happened now. But it doesn't change the fact that she wants to get out of there.
"I'm fine. I just want to go home."
"Kie…"
"Let's just get the baby and go." Kiara shakes off any more questions from JJ by sitting up on the bed and looking around for a change of clothes. Kiara ignores the pain that makes her want to cover up into a ball and stay asleep for days.
"Do you want to meet her first?"
That thought scares Kiara the most. Because what kind of parent is Kiara if she can even do birth right? She knows that c-section is common in pregnancy but it still makes Kiara feel sick. Maybe she should have followed the advice to not do anything in the final month of pregnancy. What if she hurt the baby by moving around and then falling, forcing the baby to come into this world early? Kiara isn't sure that she is ready for any of this.
She knows that she can't say anything to JJ. JJ would think that she is crazy. So, Kiara just nods and agrees to meet the baby. The baby is crying when it reaches the room. The screams from the baby makes Kiara see how real everything is. An innocent baby in a world full of dragons. Nine months just for a countdown to this day. The day where Kiara meets a baby that literally grew inside of her.
Small fingers. Small feet. Small everything. A girl that Kiara never even thought she would have in her life. A girl that changes everything and there is nothing that Kiara can do to prepare for what the baby will bring. She can't help but remain emotionless when she looks down at the baby in JJ's arms. Kiara finds it hard to reflect JJ's expression as she looks at how hopeful he looks as he looks down at the baby. Their baby. Nothing makes sense. A baby that is so fragile and innocent in the harmful world around them. Kiara wonders in this moment if they will ever be able to keep this innocence in her life. Kiara knows that all innocence will shatter as soon as the baby is called 'a fucking Pogue' by the stuck-up Kooks or finds out about JJ's childhood or finds out about the gold and the Sherriff's murder or any of the shit that the group of Pogues has been in. No one can remain innocent forever.
When JJ passes the baby over, Kiara panics almost immediately remaining worried that she will break everything straight away. All innocence could disappear in an instant if Kiara holds the baby wrong or breaks her or drops her entirely. Kiara didn't read the books like JJ did. She doesn't know what happens now. What she is meant to do now. "I guess we need to name her." Kiara whispers when the baby is placed into her arms. Kiara avoids looking down at the baby, making sure to keep her eyes on the smiling JJ.
"We don't have to do that today." Kiara nods, thankful that JJ is here. The most reckless boy in Outer Banks has become a man that is stronger than anyone. A man that can make everything seem calm. "And anyways, you probably won't let me call her Pogue." His smirk makes Kiara laugh.
"I didn't let you call the pup Pogue so what makes you think she will be called Pogue?" Kiara jokes, almost forgetting entirely about the baby in her arms.
"Because she's a girl and I can't call her JJ Junior."
"Not the only reason why she isn't JJ Junior, JJ." His laughter lightens everything. He knows everything about Kiara. He knows what she needs even if she doesn't understand herself entirely.
Everything is innocent in these small walls on the maternity wing of the hospital. Innocence that Kiara knows will be broken as soon as they return to the real world. But she wants to memorise everything about this moment. How JJ smiles at the baby all whilst the baby stops crying entirely. Kiara already knows that JJ will probably be the favourite parent again. First Brownie, now baby. Not fair. But Kiara just smiles at him when he moves closer to sit beside her on the bed.
JJ leans over and places a light kiss on her forehead before whispering into her hair. "You really did it Kie. You had a baby." Daunting truth. Daunting reality. Kiara Carrera is a mom. A mom to more than just a dog. And this baby is real and here. "How about Henley?" JJ goes back to looking down to the baby in Kiara's arms.
"Henley? Where did that come from?" Henley. A name that Kiara has never heard in her life.
"You'll laugh." A flush of pink fills his face that only makes Kiara smile widely at the boy.
"JJ. Just tell me."
"I got it from one of those pregnancy books. Henley was the surname of the writer and I thought it was a good name."
"You want to name your daughter after an author of a pregnancy book?"
"That writer really helped me out." JJ laughs with clear embarrassment.
Henley.
Not the worst name that JJ could think of. Definitely better than Pogue. And JJ Junior, for sure. And it's just a name. It isn't like it will make anything easier. It's probably better to go with JJ's first option before they end up naming her after the first piece of food that she eats. Banana Maybank. Probably not the best name.
It's then that Kiara looks down at the baby in her arms. The first time she really looks at her own daughter. The baby's eyes are closed but they flutter to allow Kiara to see the blue shining through. She knows that a lot of babies have blue eyes at birth which then change to another colour but maybe this baby will have her father's eyes. JJ's eyes. Crystal blue. Eyes to match her favourite parent. JJ once joked that he was the favourite Pogue, only now does Kiara know that to be true. JJ is lovable and Kiara can't be mad at it. Of course, this girl will favour JJ. Kiara lightly flutters her finger against the baby's button nose. The baby just keeps sleeping silently. No tears anymore. Henley Maybank. Kiara can see it.
"Okay. Henley it is." Kiara keeps looking at the baby, finally finding the smile that mothers like to talk about. Because this is her baby.
"Wow. You have now let me name both our puppy and our baby. You definitely love me." JJ jokes which makes Kiara lean into his side, not being able to playfully punch him away.
Henley remains fragile in Kiara's aching arms as Kiara smiles glancing between JJ and Henley. Sure, a lot is going to change but they are a family and that is all that matters.
…
Wake up to Henley's cries. Feed Henley. Henley goes back to sleep. Kiara tries to sleep. Wake up to Brownie crying to get in. Brownie's barks wake up Henley, making Henley cry. Let Brownie out. Check Henley. Go back to sleep. Wake up to JJ jolting around the bed. Try and get back to sleep. Wake up to JJ muttering to Brownie. Try and close eyes even if it is just for a moment. Wake up completely when Henley begins to cry.
Every day is the same for Kiara. The same routine that has happened every day for two weeks. For the first two weeks of Henley's life, Henley has spent her entire time either crying or sleeping. But when Henley is asleep, Brownie is awake. Or even JJ is awake and tapping or making noises that Kiara can't help but get annoyed at. Annoyance builds within Kiara for two weeks. Two weeks of Kiara trying to sleep whenever she can whilst JJ is out with Brownie or dealing with Henley. But sleep still doesn't come because her nights are filled with the wails of Henley or the barking of Brownie revolving around her head. And the nights are only getting worse. Two weeks of trying to ignore everything comes crashing down quickly one afternoon.
An afternoon after a constant morning of Henley shouting the chateau down all whilst the weather gets to Brownie. Another storm that Brownie still hasn't gotten used to. Six years old. Brownie is six years old and he still can't stay quiet through a storm. When his barking gets louder, Henley's screams get louder. It's an afternoon where JJ is at work at the garage and every other Pogue is working which means that Kiara is alone with Henley and Brownie.
Kiara cradles Henley whilst Brownie keeps jumping around her feet, barking at the shadows within the chateau. She hushes the crying baby in her arms all whilst trying to avoid falling over the pup at her feet. "Brownie. Stop." Kiara almost cries out herself. But not even Kiara can hear her cries over the sheer volume of Brownie's barks and Henley's tears. "Brownie. Please just stop!" Kiara shouts into the chateau when another crash of thunder shakes the room scaring the baby as well as the dog.
The storm lasts hours and doesn't seem to find a way of calming down. Kiara cries with Henley until all seems to give up. Brownie must get bored of barking at the thunder at one point because he lays down on the pull-out giving time for Kiara to soothe Henley to sleep. No one has ever told Kiara what to do during a storm. Outer Banks is filled with storms. Storms that Kiara has become so scared of.
Rain sounds the chateau whilst Kiara puts a sleeping Henley in her crib. They all must have cried themselves to sleep. Even Kiara isn't strong enough to keep her eyes open as she sinks into the chair next to Henley's crib. Kiara figures that the storm must have passed, where only rain remains. Rain that signifies that the worst is over. Someone should write a book about having to be a parent in Outer Banks. With the crappy past of parents in Outer Banks, a book with the answers is what is really needed. Kiara could really do with answers right now. Sleep fills Kiara as she listens to the rain hit against the window of the room that used to be John B's bedroom. A bedroom that had been locked off for almost five years after he disappeared only to be opened up again and made into a nursery. Kiara drifts off to the thought of how the chateau has changed.
The chateau that now has hope for a happy family that Kiara is scared of. Because she doesn't even know how to look after herself let alone a family. Especially when Kiara has to be strong for JJ sometimes when his past gets too much. Kiara has always had to be the strong one. But the idea of being a happy family scares Kiara to death. She can't even keep a dog away from the fears of the storms.
Sleep doesn't last long within the chateau when Kiara is woken up a flash of lightning lighting up the entirety of the nursery. Kiara looks around the room, cringing at the seconds she has to wait for the inevitable. "One, two, three…" Kiara counts the seconds until thunder rumbles the room and a tear escapes Kiara's eye. She knows what is coming. The rumble wakes up the chateau, with Brownie whining and barking as he runs into the nursery. Just like Kiara predicts, Henley wakes up as soon as Brownie's barks become too much. "Fuck sakes, Brownie!" Kiara stands and screams at the dog that is still barking at the window that keeps lighting up with lightning as thunder echoes through the room.
Anger fills Kiara as she picks up Henley from the crib and storms into the living area away from the barking dog. Henley cries whilst they move away. She walks back and forth with Henley in her arms whilst Brownie just keeps barking. Kiara scrunches her eyes together, not knowing how to stop either of the wails. The noise mixed with the tiredness overcomes Kiara and she doesn't even notice when someone else walks into the living area.
The new person in the room rushes to Kiara, stroking her arm making Kiara open her eyes to see a concerned JJ. "Kie, what's going on?"
"That dog! That fucking dog needs to go." Kiara spits, giving up with trying to fix the situation and instead succumbs to her own emotions.
"What?"
"I can't… He won't let Henley sleep and Henley won't let me sleep and he is too much JJ. Brownie is too much!"
"We can't kick Brownie out of the house." With this, JJ takes Henley into his own arms and moves her to the crib in the living area.
"I didn't want this! I'm not meant to be stuck in a life that is completely out of my control! I don't want this!" Kiara screeches.
"Kie…"
"I'm… That dog is ruining my life!" She doesn't even know if she believes her own words but she can't stop herself from continuing. "He needs to go or I will go!"
She knows her words are harsh but she can't control herself. Built up anger mixes with her lack of sleep to create someone that Kiara doesn't even recognise. JJ just looks at Kiara in annoyance. It's only then that Kiara realises what she said. Fuck. She cringes at her words. People have always left JJ. His own mother left JJ. And his face tells his story. A story that Kiara knows he is haunted by. "JJ. I didn't mean…"
"I know." JJ coughs out, avoiding her eyes. "I'll take him and Henley and you can get your sleep." Kiara just watches as JJ shuffles around the living room.
"What?"
"We'll leave you alone." Glassy eyes eventually look at Kiara. Kiara wants to scream that she doesn't mean any of it. She needs them all. But she remains frozen to the spot, watching as JJ picks up Henley and then calls for Brownie.
Kiara just stands there as she watches them leave the chateau.
She thought her emotions would go back to normal after the baby, but now she can't control anything. And she has lost everything.
…
Hours go by with Kiara being alone in the chateau. She cries until there are no more tears left. She cries until her tears dry on her as she falls to sleep on the pull-out in the middle of the living area.
Her own words haunt her dreams. How could she just kick Brownie out like that? How could she think that she wants anything other than them? She needs JJ. He is her life and nothing else matters.
Her own actions haunt her dreams. How she remained frozen when she watched them all leave. They may have left the chateau but it was all her fault. She spat that she was going to leave them.
Kiara sleeps even when she wants to run out of the chateau to force them to come back because she was in the wrong. But her whole body aches as she falls onto the pull-out and cannot fight the sleep that finds her. Kiara sleeps the entire storm away. The rain dries up whilst her tears keep running. When Kiara wakes, she remains lying on the pull-out in the silent chateau. It's then that everything feels lonely. No cries fill the chateau. No barks show Kiara that a pup lives here. There are no jokes told by the boy that she loves more than life itself. No family making the chateau a home.
Floods fills her eyes. Floods that Kiara can't stop because she has ruined everything. Kiara thought it was just her pregnancy brain but now, Kiara wonders if it is her herself. How she can't control herself when emotions get too high. "I'm so sorry!" Kiara shrieks into the empty room.
Kiara hugs her legs as she hiccups the tears away all until sleep takes her again.
The morning light shines through the window when Kiara eventually wakes up. She wonders if she has slept for days but everything around her signifies that only a day ago, she ruined her life. Kiara thinks about crying again. Succumbing to the emotions and just giving up entirely. But she doesn't. Because after a few seconds, Kiara realises that she is not alone in the room. Brownie. The pup that she screamed at and wanted out of the house is sat in the corner of the living area watching Kiara.
Brownie came back to her.
Kiara sits up slightly before motioning for Brownie to come closer. He remains hesitant but eventually moves to join Kiara on the pull-out, laying by her side. Kiara strokes the brown and white pup whilst crying into his fur. She could never leave him. He is just as broken as the rest of them. "I'm… I'm sorry." Kiara hiccups into his fur. "I won't leave, Brownie. I won't ever leave." Kiara watches as Brownie's eyes turn soft before he licks at her face.
Movement makes Kiara turn to look at the corridor of the chateau. She watches as the bathroom door swings open revealing JJ. It makes her think back to that day where he showed up at the chateau all cut up during the storm. The same storm that bought them together to look after a dog named Brownie. JJ shuffles into the living area but Kiara remains lying down, stroking the fur of Brownie absent-mindedly.
"I dropped Henley off with your mom." JJ sleeplessly whispers. Neither of them have slept since Henley. But Kiara has been too selfish to see how JJ has been affected.
"I…" Kiara stutters. "I don't want to leave. I never want to leave."
"I know." JJ sits down at the side of the pull-out before moving his attention to Brownie. "You just need time."
"I don't know how to do this." Kiara cries.
"We'll work it out, Kie. I promised you that we were going to be okay and we are going to be okay."
"I…"
"Let's stick together from now on. And we'll be able to work it out."
"I know." Kiara reaches across Brownie to catch JJ's hand in her own.
Kiara pulls JJ down to lay the other side of Brownie. They remain close as Kiara lets out a sigh in relief. They are in this together. And that is all that matters.