Alright, maybe this won't be as boring as I thought, we almost lost one of our nerds, for reasons that will be explained later. For now, we're tightening security on the samples procured for us in the field, and some of our nerds have suggested using computer modeling instead of using actual samples.

Fucking pus...pansies, that is.

The old men are getting along well, or at least they were until recently. Old man two has drawn attention to an old feud with old man four, and they've been duking it out, refusing to show up to each other's backgammon and tea or whatever the fuck they did to entertain themselves before the invention of the wheel (In response to whatever you just thought: Fuck you).

Enough about me though. I was examining some of the crates that came in for supplies, and cross referencing them with ledgers on available military resources. It's the funniest thing, it looks engineers are randomly being reassigned to the garrison of one eastern port city that doesn't actually have a population according to our census, along with a rather ridiculous amount of oxygen tanks, and two submarines. Funnily enough, I also tracked the checked tags on our supplies and found that they were routed from said city to Gateon and then to us.

I don't care if you're importing the world's most overqualified waiters for your secret beach party. But if you're going to try to keep a secret, for Arceus sake do it competently. I found this out in two hours because I was bored. The senate WANTS to catch you slipping up while doing something on the sly, and they will come down on all of us like the hand of almighty God if they do, and I don't need that shit on my table. So route our materials through Pyrite town (nobody bothers double checking that shithole), and either bounce the engineers from Gateon and Phenac to wherever you want them or put them on paid leave, and change their home addresses to their destination SO IT HAS A FUCKING POPULATION.

Gross incompetence aside, here's your report on Bulbasaur.

Biology: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

So, we're starting out strong in the freaky department. The Bulbasaur we know, love, and entrust to our children is actually two independent organisms: a divergently adapted nematode and a parasitic plant (not unlike my ex-wife). Let that sink in.

As far as our nerds figure, the bulb is a descendent of a prehistoric carnivorous water-blooming plant, and the nematode was at one point a highly irradiated and toxic amphibian. One day said plant decided that the amphibian looked tasty, tried to take a bite out of it, and kept on dying until it didn't. The plant's growth was impeded by the toxins present in the amphibian but was able to sustain itself because the amphibian constantly moved into the sunlight in order to better find prey. This weaker parasite infected other amphibians that patient zero came into contact with, the infected amphibians eventually managed to hijack some of the energy the plant produced from photosynthesis, in addition to gaining camouflage that negated their most fearsome predator, an ancestor of Fearow. Fast forward a few thousand years, freaky shit happens, and you have Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur in the wild evolve based on the growth of the plant on their back: more growth, more photosynthesis, more energy to contribute to the threshold of evolution. If you wanted to, you could stunt the growth of a population by not exposing it to sunlight. Just saying.

The Bulbasaur, as was mentioned before, is toxic in so many ways you'll tear your insides outside to stop the fucking burning. It's a terrible way to die, so don't put it in your mouth Timmy. Oh, and did I mention the bulb was prehistorically a universal parasite? It produces these nasty spores in the spring that will cause cardiac arrest, and then those spores will grow into proto-bulbs, which serve to produce "Primed Leech Seeds", which infect ANYTHING it touches, in a gruesome way. More on that later.

Critical organs are present in the nematode throughout it's entire life span, so shoot in the shoulder with a big enough gun and you'll either snap it's spine or destroy its heart. It's worth noting that venusaur have thick hides, anything less than 5.56x45 won't put a dent in them, and even with that, it's hit or miss. I wouldn't want to fight one with anything less than 7.62x51, and even then, I would rather take on an angry lumberjack with my dick. At least with the lumberjack, I can see the chainsaw. venusaur though? Shit, they have a Marry Poppins bag full of goodies that will make you squeal.

History: Believe it or not, according to HIS record, venusaur appear numerous times as lawful protectors. They guarded knowledge for several tribes, maintained order in the wilds, and interceded in violent conflicts between several tribes.

There are numerous other more contemporary historical references: Kanto scientists began distributing them to children because they caught on something was fishy with them, their toxins were used in numerous assassination attempts…little fun things like that.

Psychology and Sociology: As mentioned before, according to HIS record, Bulbasaur and venusaur fall tend into Good-Lawful psychologies, and their society tends towards a sort of feudal structure. At the bottom, packs consist of a dozen Bulbasaur and three to five Ivysaur, who in turn answer to a single venusaur (or a small group, of 2 to 4), or that contribute to the defense of four to eight packs.

As for the psychological breakdown of each form; Bulbasaur do not engage in combat, ever, under any circumstance. If you engage a pack, Ivysaur will buy time for the Bulbasaur to flee, and inform the local venusaur. Under no circumstance does an Ivysaur break from combat, even after the Bulbasaur escape; they don't fear death, they're psychology in the wild is so heavily socially oriented social failure is worse than death.

venusaur have a profile all their own; they are the ultimate deciders of law. venusaur will never initiate combat without provocation, but once you piss them off, they will fuck you up without mercy, because your dumb ass deserves to die, no matter the cost to the pack or whatever values they think they have. That's all you really need to know; once a Bulbasaur reports an attack to a venusaur, as long as you are in their forest, they will find you, and they will fuck you up, down, and sideways until you wish your mommy had an abortion.

The good news is, don't fuck with them, and they won't fuck with you…most of the time. On occasion, venusaur will consider different varieties of fuckery a threat to the well being of the herd, and they can and will act preemptively, and is that a sight to behold. venusaur don't have a word for "overkill", or a concept for it. So when something, lets say a pack of beedril, twenty turn up in their woods, those bastards will mobilize EVERY BULBASAUR in seventy miles, to grind them into dust. This is the rare occasion that Bulbasaur will mobilize in combat, for what little it matters, but only paper pushers and politicians believe in absolutes.

The good news is that if you're not stupid, you can use them to achieve ends that you don't want to waste your own resources on. Bear that in mind.

Combat: Now for the part that matters.

Here's the deal: if you're smart, you'll never, ever find yourself in combat with any of the things listed above. They are rarely territorial, and never hostile unless provoked, and you have no reason to provoke them. You can't eat them, they won't fuck with you, they'll let you pass through their territory without issue.

I sound redundant, I know, but I need to pound this through the numbskulls that currently are enlisted in our military. Enlistment and rank used to mean something, now we let any fuck with a college degree and six credit hours of training become an officer.

Now, that isn't to say they're harmless. Remember those spores I was talking about? In the first two weeks of spring, coming out of winter hibernation like a teenager giving off angst. Stay clear for those two weeks, maybe three, and you'll be fine.

Now for the ratings:

Bulbasaur: For a single one, 0.2 IU's I'm not even going to pretend that these little things are a threat, even if they did try to kill me. I've wiped things off my ass that cause me more grief.

Ivysaur: 1.5 IU's. The things fight dirty, trapped vines everywhere, sharp projectiles all over the place… if you can see them, chances are you can kill them. But I can always rely on two things in my life: the fact that some idiot somewhere is slipping up at this very moment, and taxes.

Venasuar: Shit man, that escalated quickly. Easily 4 GU's, or 1 ME. Everything that applies to ivysaur applies here, vines all over the fucking place that will strangle you if you touch them, razor leafs all over the place that will fill the air like farts at a chili festival. Not to mention in spring the sleep spores they can drop, and if you're camping outside a forest and they don't like you, they'll bombard you with Solar beams till they can see where you were from space. Unlike their smaller forms, they can move and use vine traps at the same time, and they can charge you, trampling you underfoot, while spitting out most small arms fire.

Now, we can be serious: there's three situations in which you'll find yourself fighting these guys; 1) engaging a pack, 2) engaging a venusaur (Alone or with a possey) 3) a venusaur called campaign.

Your typical squad can probably take out one pack without losing someone nine times out of ten. Ivysaur can't use their vines without anchoring themselves to the Earth, so they can't move, making them easy targets. Razor leaves can be fired many times in rapid succession, but there's no evidence to suggest they can cut through wood, or that Ivysaur would damage their own forest for a small engagement, not to mention their inaccuracy. Best to simply take cover and engage them in a conventional fire fight. Kill them, and skedaddle before reinforcements arrive, unless you're trying to draw a venusaur out.

I can see that you may need to assassinate a venusaur or two, so I won't call you out for being dipshits on that. If you want to do it quietly, send out two Jägermeister's, armed with fifty cals, they won't be able to sneak up on it, but you'll probably be able to get within a half mile, without it thinking you're a threat. A shot to the shoulder will actually twist its spine, snapping it's neck. Or you could dome it, the old-fashioned way.

Other options are to send in four rangers with explosives and the older Akim 57's. Aim for the vitals and run away.

If you don't have such specialized resources, you could draw it into a trap by killing a pack, and camouflaging a light assault vehicle. It'll come, have the infantry run for their lives to draw any accompanying ivysaur away, then open up on the big one with the vehicle. Alternatively, just use an old fashioned ambush.

If you ARE the dipshits I think you are, and you wind up getting a venusaur pissed off not wanting to fight it, stay mobile, keep a distance, and stay in cover. Don't run unless it runs first, it will catch you. Try to engage if from the side to hit the vitals, cause its skull is thick enough to bounce a 5.56x49 from our new challenger rifles. If you have to engage it from the front, aim either for the lower jaw or above he head.

Get out of the way, period. Unless you have a massive armor unit, in which case just run over the little shits, put on gas masks, ram the big shit with something heavier (disengaging anti-grav if applicable), and flank it with something lighter and aim for that clavicle. It's metal as hell, but shit, you need metal as hell.

Pokemon moves: For basic combat they stick to the tried and true of grass pokemon: vine whip and razor leaf. venusaur can use vine whip while moving, but we don't think that Ivysaur can use very large vines without anchoring themselves. We've speculated that they can use sweet scent to set traps, and venusaur can also use solar beam on sunny days, perhaps even with a stream of light the size of a pin.

Venusaur can use the grass type powders any time of the year, and we've calculated an effective radius of five meters. Ivysaur can also produce them, but only in spring, with a three meter radius. Thankfully, we have a treatment that can prevent severe injury due to exposure, assuming you don't hit the ground immediately.

Now here comes the freaky shit; leech seeds. Not that wimpy shit with the red zappy stuff that shocks you. I'm talking a fucking seed that attaches to your skin and takes advantage of your muscles and extracellular matrix to jet itself through to go wherever the fuck it wants, and give you an awful no good very shitty day.

One of our nerds wasn't paying fucking attention, and didn't follow procedure with the sample we procured of one of these fucking things, and he touched it without gloves. The little shit burrowed under his finger nail, and ten minutes later he was screaming like hell. Took us another ten minutes to figure out what the fuck he was on about, and then we had to perform an invasive surgery on his fucking flow hood, after knocking the bitch out with his fucking ether bottle.

The procedure lasted half an hour, and we found the fuckass thing in his neck, right above his scapula. Unfortunately, we need him, and the kids almost turned into a veg from PTSD, and we can't even take the blind fold off of him without him screaming and having a seizure. We've slated him for intensive hypnosis, see if we can't scavenge his mind for a while by imposing a new identity on him. He gets back to work, we get to push an experimental and illegal treatment on him for clinical trials, and he gets a temporary reprieve from whatever the fuck this is. Win-win-shitty-win.

Now, leech seeds have their limitations. The one that got to the kid was preserved via freezing, but outside that they don't last five minutes after leaving the host, it takes two and a half seconds of contact for it to take, and they need to be really close to consider launching it.

The bad news is, they can all use them, at any point of the year. Bulbasaur prefer using them when they are cornered, and they can toss out eight a week.

As for notable weakness?

Fire: Contrary to common belief, greenery doesn't go up in flames when you look at it wrong. That being said, it spooks the fuck out of these things, and the smoke somehow fucks with their respiration- more so than it fucks with anything else's respiration. Controlled burnings can be used to drive them out or eliminate them entirely, just make sure you don't burn too. It's a shitty way to die.

Clavicle Shot: As mentioned above, it's the perfect kill shot. It'll snap the vertebrae, it's a large target, the bullet still has a good chance of shredding the heart… you can't ask for better.

Antibiotics…or anything that kills bacteria: if you're going for a biological warfare sort of thing, we think a rare sort of bacterium is a necessary component in the delicate balance that keeps the parasite from consuming it's host. Kill these bacteria, and the control could be cut, and the parasite might turn against it's host.

Anything with mass: Hypothetically, you could stomp on a Bulbasaur to death. venusaur weigh only two-hundred pounds at the most (My pet poochyena, Johtoan-Murder-Death-Killer came up to my knee and weighed sixty). Compared to our armored vehicles, that's NOTHING.

Freaks:

Mega venusaur: The mega evolution for venusaur was first discovered in blah de blah blah blah. We don't have any information about them, truth to be told. Best as I figure, they're just venusaur, but with another hundred pounds and a whole lot more spunk. Same rules apply for engagement, and if that extra mass means anything, I'd rate it 1.2 ME's. I imagine I'd break a sweat.

Ancient ones: This is partially speculation, partially HIS, and partially the insistence of the old dudes that keep throwing dates at my door, but there's reason to believe there is a final form of venusaur, for those that survive the critical point where the parasite has more mass than the host. These ancient ones can live indefinitely (One of the old geezers confided in me that his family communed with the same venusaur for four-hundred years, which sounds like a load of shit, but my in laws will still be asking me for money in four-hundred years, so what the hell), rarely move, and are asleep more often than awake. Supposedly they have these vines that come out of them, spanning the jungles they inhabit and monitoring it, keeping balance and strangling anything that threatens the balance. The defacto Fuck Mothering Gods of the Forest.

If you manage to somehow work your way through the booby-trapped forest, I'd rate it the same as the Mega venusaur: 1.2 ME's. More vines and spores to worry about, I'm sure, but the simple fact that it's a stationary target and won't trample you underfoot makes up for it (I think. Am I really going to have to right reports on things that nobody has ever seen or fought, and probably aren't real? What's next? A unicorn? Giant Dragonite? My ex-wife's soul? The mythical single testicle shared between all other members of the Senate?). If you have to walk into a forest with no idea where this thing is and take it out…easily between three and six ME's. I doubt you're typical team of scouting ranger's can come within ten miles of it. I'm not scared: but anyone that tells you otherwise wasn't skipping islands in Hoenn. If you need to take one out that badly, surround the woods with armored divisions and napalm the living fuck out of it. Or drop a nuclear warhead. Or crash a meteor into it. Or play Unovan pop outside the forest, and the fuck will come out to turn it off. If you have some of that mocha-machiata-frappacapachina-sinful perversion of coffee, throw that shit in there for good measure. As an arbiter of justice, it'll be compelled to wipe it off the face of the Earth.

Summary:

Combat is not advised: Simply put, we have more to gain by building good relationships with these freaks than removing them, at least for the time being. We can buy their assistance in eradicating other local threats cheaply, and they could provide a defensive buffer between our more populated settlements and the wild.

In the event of Combat, engagement at close range is not advised: Accuracy for razor leaf drops off heavily at 15 meters. Spore ranges are about six meters. venusaur might not be that heavy, but they are deceptively fast, and two hundred pouns accelerating at twenty-miles/hour squared is nothing to scoff at. Try to remain at medium ranges, take cover, and shoot them out.

In the event of inevitable conflict, assassination is recommended: We're never tried to pull this off before, but eliminating the heads of the society should prevent them from marshaling their herds, meaning you can mop them up one by one. While they may be difficult to locate, kill a pack, have two Jägermeister's follow the Bulbasaur you have flee, and when it gets to the venusaur, eliminate it.

Entry into forests that are known to have Bulbasaur is not advised in the first three weeks of spring: I explained this above, I don't want to again, but here we go. During harsh winters, all the packs return to the venusaur and huddle up for the winter, shivering in some sort of shared hibernation that keeps them warm. When they wake up in the spring, the first thing they do is release spores, and the first unlucky son of a bitch to walk into those woods is fertilizer. Stay away, or don't, and contribute to survival of the least mentally retarded.