Wazzup, my bros, it's Midi-B. This just so happens to be my first ever Malec fic, so if you review (and I'd really appreciate it if you did), don't be too harsh. I'm just another human bean. I ain't perfect. I highly recommend the song this fic is based off of, though if you don't like sad and slow songs, it might not be your cup of tea. Good song to keep on repeat and cry to after a break-up, though! (No, I don't know that from experience)
Warning: contains death, vague mentions of some "adult behavior," heavy drinking, drug overdose, sadness, suicidal thoughts and suicide. (probably shoulda just said: contains darkness)
Disclaimer: rather unfortunately, I don't own TMI, or anything else related to Shadowhunters, (by this I mean TMI, TDA, TID, TEC, TLH, etc., etc.) but copies of the books. I also don't own the song this fic is based off of; The Lonely, by Christina Perri. I own nothing but the depression that is this fanfic. (Which I did not base off of personal experience. As much as I'd like to be, I am not a sparkly, all-power warlock who lives in Brooklyn with a sexy, half-angel boyfriend)
2am; where do I begin
Crying off my face again
Magnus woke up with a start. He rubbed at his eyes, trying to wipe away the tears, running in hot rivulets down his face. He shook his head, as if the action would wipe away the nightmare. It didn't work. But Magnus knew something, or rather someone, who would take away his sorrows; his fiancé.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed
The room was silent. Where is Alec? Magnus pondered. Only then did Magnus remember; Alec was dead.
How did I forget that? You are a disgrace to Alec's memory. Magnus stubbornly refused to stop hating himself. For still being able to wake up, to sleep, for still breathing, for still living.
I'm the ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well
Magnus felt nothing inside. He just felt emptiness, as if someone had carved out his heart. Emptiness, and a dull ache, a constant, in the pitiful life he now lived. He had waved goodbye to his bright and colorful outfits and makeup. He had given up parties. He just lay in bed all day, occasionally getting up to eat, or get drunk. Magnus rarely went out, and even less frequently, slept.
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
Magnus stumbled out of his room, into the kitchen. He fumbled around, until he found a bottle of vodka, popped open the cap using his magic- which had grown weak, and had lost the pure shade of blue that resembled his dead lover's eyes- and downed it. He was instantly transported to a memory of Alec.
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again
Thinking about Alec was like an addiction. He couldn't help but do it, but when he stopped, he craved it, needed it, and relied on it too heavily now, to ever go on without it. But once the relief of the memory faded, it was filled with the heartache he had been plagued with for the past year.
Magnus remembered the night when Alec had proposed, they had gone on another extravagant tour around the globe. Alec had seemed off the entire day, so when he took Magnus' hand after dinner, and knelt beside him, Magnus couldn't help the euphoria rushing through him. And relief that his boyfriend- or now- fiancé was completely fine. Or so he had thought.
Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
The night after Alec's proposal was full of passion and love, a night that Magnus cherished in memory. For that was the last night he had ever felt Alec's touch. He shuddered, nearly violently, remembering how Alec had winced on more than one occasion, from some unknown pain. Magnus suddenly felt nothing but ice, as he mentally blamed himself for not noticing these things that had taken his blue-eyed beauty away from him. The memory abruptly ended, and Magnus dragged himself back to his room, the remains of the vodka sloshing all over the floor.
'Cause the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep
Tears once again claimed Magnus' face, as the inevitable pain overcame him. He let out an agonized sob. He had been in mourning for the past year, after a demon had struck down Alec, and given him a tiny little cut. But the cut was infected, with venom strong enough to drain away Alec's life. But the draining was gradual. So slow, that no one was able to recognize something was wrong, even Alec, until it was too late.
I'm the ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well
By the time Alec had realised he was dying, there was nothing anyone could do to save him. My selflessly stubborn Nephilim, Magnus thought fondly, through his drunken haze. But the thought was contaminated with a slight bitterness. Alec hadn't told anyone he was dying. He hadn't wanted anyone wasting time on a lost cause, so he'd begged Magnus to go away with him. Magnus, surprised, but pleased, had agreed, and they whisked themselves away to an island, sparsely populated, but quaint.
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again
Magnus let out a bitter laugh. Had Alec known he would die before he had married Magnus? The fact that he had never had the time to do so sobered Magnus enough until he was able to form a coherent thought that wasn't solely a memory; what am I doing here?
Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Magnus saw absolutely no reason as to why he should be alive. None at all. The love of his life, the man he had given his heart to, had died, and taken away the last of Magnus' will. The will to go on. There was nothing tying him down to this world, anything, anything, was better than living without Alec. Magnus dropped the bottle of vodka, which shattered, leaving a sticky, wet and sharp mess. Magnus walked back to the kitchen, slowly, remembering Alec. Alec dancing with him, Alec smiling, Alec crying, Alec being shy, Alec being Alec. Magnus couldn't stop the tears from flowing. It hurt so much inside, but he was going to stop that ache. Magnus was determined to join his lover, no matter the cost.
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely
Magnus snapped his fingers and summoned paper and 3 pills. He used his magic to write his will, leaving everything to either Catarina, Ragnor, his dear Biscuit; Clary, Isabelle and Jace. Chairman Meow had ran away to Catarina a few weeks ago, tired of having to constantly bug Magnus in order to get food. His Chairman was in good hands. He took the pills of the counter and clenched them in his fist. Deliberately slowly, Magnus opened his hand, revealing the pills, sitting, looking rather harmless, in his palm. Magnus stared at them, unmoving. Goodbye Brooklyn. He thought, before placing the pills in his mouth, and swallowing.
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
Magnus found himself surrounded by darkness. Is this the afterlife? He thought? Did I mess this up? A thousand mildly panicked thoughts ran through his head faster than he could keep up with. But then the panic was dulled, instead, replaced by a sense of calamity. A figure cloaked in grey walked towards Magnus in slow, long strides. But something about this person- if they were even a person- gave Magnus a sense of déjà vu. Something about the way they walked towar-
"Who might you be?" interrupted the grey figure, voice tinted with curiosity.
"Magnus Bane," he replied, but with a sense of minor excitement "and who are you?"
"I think you already know," his companion claimed, raising a runed hand to draw back his hood.
Magnus stared back at the revealed face, with a sense of pure joy.
"Alec?" he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
Alec shed his cloak, and swept up Magnus in a hug.
"I missed you, so, so much" Magnus managed, voice choked with emotion.
"I missed you too, Magnus. But how did you get here? Magnus. What happened." Alec's voice was suddenly filled with urgency.
Well, shit. Magnus thought. "I, um… I did something…" he trailed off, slowly raising his bowed head to Alec.
"By the Angel, Magnus, you didn't." Alec's tone was unrecognizable.
Magnus took a deep breath, before speaking. "Did you know how long you had? Before you died."
"Magnus, I-" Alec's mouth was suddenly covered by a hand.
"Did you realize that when you decided to propose to me, what would've happened if you'd died before we had gotten married? Did you know that I felt like, every single goddamn day, after you died? It hurt, it hurt so much." Now it was Alec who raised his head to meet Magnus' gaze, eyes glistening with unshed tears.
"I would've died if it meant seeing you again. Life without you, wasn't life. So I- I took some pills." Magnus finished lamely.
To his surprise, Alec started to laugh.
"Every day here, without you. I just wanted to fade away. Everything seemed so empty. So I signed up for this," Alec gestured to his grey cloak, "I guide the souls of the dead to the afterlife, hoping, even if it didn't happen for a thousand years, that I'd be able to see you again." A single tear fell from the shadowhunter's eye. "I'm so sorry. I should have told you. I should've let you live a longer life. I'm sorry" Words fell out of Alec's mouth, overflowing, a year of pain, for them both, finally released.
Now Magnus was crying too. "No, darling, I'm sorry. I should have come sooner. I wasted an entire year on drinking and wallowing in self-pity. I let you hurt more. I-" Magnus was cut off by Alec, a soft, chaste peck on his lips, that sent a spark through him, a spark he hadn't felt in a year, but what had felt like so much longer.
"I love you, you know that?" Alec mumbled, leaning his forehead against Magnus'.
"I love you too, sweet cheeks," Magnus said, claiming Alec's hand with his own. "Now would you mind guiding my soul to the afterlife? And maybe finding us a room. I have a whole year of certain things bottled up I need to let out."
Alec blushed furiously, but squeezed Magnus' hand. The couple walked over to a circle of grey that had opened up before them, sharing a loving look, and walking through the opening. But they weren't in any rush. They had the rest of their afterlives, after all.
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again
So… how was it? Ignore the lyrics where it says girl. I can't change those even if I wanted to. If it was too sad… well I did write a warning, so you're not allowed to complain. I'm probably gonna leave this as a one-shot, and let y'all use your imagination to figure out what happens next. Unless… let's say a really nice human bean reviewed and asked super politely, I might add a little epilogue about their lives together. It might contain fluff, and maybe a wedding, but the power is in your hands, reviewers. Do your damn job, and you'll maybe get rewarded.
Enjoy your midnights!
XOXO, MidnightBean