For few minutes they sat in silence each battling their own pain and fear what happens now. Holly's big secret was out. Now Gail knew who she really was and some peace of Holly puzzle started to find their place in her head. Now she knew why Holly wanted them to have the talk before they start a relationship. Now she knew why Holly froze each time when she asked about her past and childhood.
''I need to get out of here… And I need you to tell me the entire story…''
Holly turned the car and drove to her apartment. They got in and Holly took off her coat. She threw it on the sofa and headed for the bedroom. Before she got in she turned to face Gail.
''Bring the booze Gaily… We will need a lot of it tonight…''
Gail grabbed the bottle of scotch and headed to the bedroom. It was time to face her nightmare. Holly was on the floor opening a big chest in front of her bed.
''It's all in here Gail….''
''What?''
''My life…''
She took one folder and got the birth certificate out…
''Born James Brandon Stewart, male….Son of Adeline and Peter Stewart…''
Gail took a sharp breath and fell on the floor. That was him… Her boyfriend was alive and she was dating him again…but now he was a she… She took a swig from the bottle and held it firm on her chest. Holly sat on the floor and looked through the chest. She found one of the early pictures with her parents. She was in tiny blue baby clothes wrapped in blue blanket. Her parents looked happy and proud.
'' Their son, their pride and joy until I told them I am a girl… I was five years old when the beatings started. He wanted to beat the ''fagg'' out of me… So, he forced me to go to ''man'' sports, but I never had talent. Later, when I started school, I had escape from it all. I had books and studying. I buried myself in books and sections. And I have spent more time at school than at home. I was part of each science club there was at school, just so I don't have to go home. My teacher noticed I was not ok so, my parents to avoid the shame of their son saying he was a girl, moved us from Toronto to Ottawa. Then I started new school, met new people and again started being beaten by others and my dad for being a ''faggot''. My mom did nothing to protect me…''
Holly got out of the chest small x ray films…
''Broken arms, legs, concussions, you name it, I had it… Thanks to my dad and the people from school. And then we moved again… Across from your house… And we started being friends and after that we started dating… ''
She gave Gail a hurt and bitter smile…
''In a way you saved my life. Beatings only stopped because he caught us having sex… So, I was not a faggot… He could breathe because I became a real man…''
Gail moved closer to Holly and picked up the x rays. She could see cracks and all that Holly spoke about. After seeing Peter's outbursts when she asked about James, she could imagine him hurting his son and punishing him for being who he is. She took Holly's hand and squeezed it.
''And you never told me all this?''
''I didn't know how… I never dared to speak about any of this to anyone but my therapist… I found one lady who is working with the patients who have gender dysphoria and I started talking to her. You must understand I was frightened at the time to talk about it to anyone who didn't give an oath to keep the secret…''
''We dated for two years…''
''I know… And I wanted to tell you so many times, but I was frightened of you knowing and leaving and everyone knowing… My dad would have killed me if he knew the people around us knew…''
''I was not just anybody. I loved you…''
''I know… That's why I left you…''
''What?''
''Would you be able to deal with a boyfriend changing his gender? Could you go to school and listen to all the crap about me, about you… With ending our relationship, I gave you a chance to survive school if someone found out…''
''And your mom and dad?''
''I told them… I came to see them one day and told them I am in the process and they kicked me out and said I am dead to them. After that I continued working on becoming a woman. I had my hormones, I went to therapy and I was ready to change my gender at the age of twenty. I had my first surgery at the age of twenty and the last one at the age of twenty three...''
''Was it expensive?''
''No, I didn't pay anything. I got into some experimental group. We got everything for free…''
There was short silence…Gail opened the bottle and took a big swig of the drink.
''This is crazy…''
''I know…''
She sat in silence drinking her scotch…
''My ex-boyfriend is now my girlfriend… Well, not really my girlfriend since you didn't want to be anything before we have the talk…''
Holly was a bit confused by what Gail was saying. She was sure she would be out of her apartment faster than a bullet after she learns the truth.
''Oh, only I can have something like that happening to me… I fell in love with the same person twice without knowing.''
She then looked at Holly.
''You know, I mourned you for years….''
''What?''
''Every year on our anniversary, I would go to our place and just talk to you… I never stopped talking to you…''
Holly was crying too…
''I am sorry…''
''You know, after some time I stopped going and I went back couple of weeks ago… I had to tell you I started falling in love with a nerdy pathologist…''
Holly started laughing and crying at the same time.
'' Isn't that funny…. I went to tell you that I am in love…with you…''
''But it's not the same... James and Holly are not the same person…''
''How? It's still you.''
''James was depressed kid who tried to kill himself in many ways…And Holly is a happy and free woman… Since I did this, I never considered suicide as an option… I was happy with my life. There were ups and downs, but I managed…''
Gail was looking at her feet…
''And you can't compare that funny, skinny boy to this divine body…''
Gail was drunk enough to laugh… She was laying on the floor and all of the sudden she got up to the sitting position… She left the bottle on the floor and climbed to Holly's lap. She kissed her and it was a kiss filled with lust.. She started unbuttoning Holly's top and kissing her neck and collarbone…
''Gail, this is a bad idea…''
''Shhhh… Please, don't speak…''
Gail returned to kissing Holly's lips and touching her neck and collarbone at the moment she reached her chest she stopped the kiss… She had curious and confused look…
''I have no idea what to do. Holly, how do you make out with a woman?''
Holly smiled at the question… Only Gail would be so clumsy with the big questions…
''It's the same… Making out is making out…''
''Maybe, but now I have to deal with another pair of boobs…that are not mine and…''
She made very sad face…
''What?''
''…unknown below the belt… I am guessing you had all of your surgeries and there is nothing familiar there.''
Holly made a face trying not to laugh and make Gail even more uncomfortable.
''When it comes to…unknown below the belt, we'll cross that bridge when the time comes…''
Gail kissed her again and they continued kissing on the floor. At one moment Gail broke the kiss and just looked at Holy with a face other woman saw only when Gail was thinking hard.
''What is it Gail? What is on your mind?''
''I really, really loved your penis…''
She rolled her eyes at the other woman and gently pushed her out of her lap.
''Ok, you are drunk… Get off me and go to bed…''
''Nooooo! No….Stay with me… Don't go again…''
Holly got off the floor and tried to move towards her closet to get something for Gail to put on.
''I'll get you something to sleep in and I'll get you the aspirin for the morning. We both know that you will be pain in the ass in the morning… You could never hold your drink Gail…''
''You are cruel James… Leaving me again…So sad on the floor… Just like that day…''
Gail was sitting sad on the floor and Holly managed to get back to the room pretty fast with the pajama bottoms and a shirt.
''Let's get you changed Gail…''
''Ha! You just want to see me naked…''
''I always had a thing for your naked body…''
''Perv!''
Holly smiled…
''What can I say? You were always the most beautiful person I ever met…''
Holly helped her change into PJs and went to turn off the light. When she got back to bed, Gail was falling asleep…
''Promise you will not leave again James…''
Holly kissed her forehead and smiled…
''I'm here kiddo…I'm not going anywhere…''
Gail put her head on Holly's chest and held tight to her. It took a moment for Holly to fall asleep. She felt a lot of different and conflicted feelings at the same time. She was happy now that Gail knew everything, but she was also afraid that Gail was projecting what she felt for James on her.
Waking up with a headache in unfamiliar bed was not something Gail didn't know of. But today, besides the headache that was killing her, she had a weird memories playing with her head… Was Holly really James? She got the answer pretty soon. She got out of the bed and noticed on the shelf a picture of sixteen year old self in a silver frame with butterflies. She gave it to James when she got the pictures done. He called her his butterfly… She got out of the room and found Holly at the dining room table reading papers and having a breakfast. She had toast, butter and jam. But not together… She would put butter over one part of toast and take a bite, than she would do the same with jam. That was definitely something that James did and Gail found fascinating. She had no makeup and she was in her pajamas…
''Some things never change…''
''Good morning Gail…''
''I have mother of all the headaches and a freaky Friday story in my head…''
''How freaky Friday?''
''Very…''
''Than it must be true…''
''Mmmmmm… I want to die…''
''Take the aspirin beside the bed and take a tooth brush from under the sink.''
Gail returned to the bedroom and did what Holly told her to do. But instead of going back to dining room she opened the chest in front of the bed and found the box with pictures. There were some pictures from the childhood, from when they met, dated and from college. Gail noticed how happier he was at college when he became a girl… Or was he a girl all along? Gail had problems with terminology? How should she call him…her… Oooohhhhhhh…. That was confusing… Should she address her as Holly or use good old James? She had no idea what to do… She found one picture of…Holly… It was for the student ID. She was smiling, she was happy… Even the eyes were smiling. She found a picture of her and James. He smiled, but his eyes were so sad. She now really took a good look at Holly and James. She had to agree, they were not the same person… She lifted her gaze from the pictures when she felt someone watching her…
''It's still very freaky Friday.''
''I can guess… I had years to work on that…''
Gail packed photos in the box and dropped them on the floor. She moved to the middle of the bed and petted the place beside her. Holly got to the bed ad sat on the edge. Gail pulled her down so she would lie beside her. Then she cuddled up to her. Gail was scary silent. And Holly was not sure how she felt about it.
''Are you OK Gail?''
''I am processing things…''
''Ok…''
''You know, it's hard… I have so many things on my mind now…''
''What is bothering you the most?''
''The fact you didn't trust me… I get it... I get it's much different than my secrets and now knowing what your parents did… Oh, God! I wish to go there and give them a piece of my mind…. But it wouldn't change a thing. You would still be broken inside and trapped in the body and life you don't feel like it's yours…''
''Gail, you were the only thing that was right…''
''I was?''
''Yes... I was myself the most when I was with you. I promise. Leaving you without a proper explanation was not easy thing to do.''
''I spent so many days wondering what I did wrong and I slept pretty much with every boy I could…''
''Oh, I see you had fun without me Peck…''
''Shut up Stewart… I was too drunk to remember half of them and I called them your name…''
She gave Holly a look and bit her lip…
''Well, the other name…''
Holly took Gail's hand and smiled…
''You can say the name… After all I kept it in a way… But most of the people believe it's a second last name… Or that Stewart is my married name….''
''I thought you don't like to use it…''
''I left it behind… James is my past…but again part of me. In honor of that poor boy, I kept the name… I am not ashamed of it or the past, I just don't like it. It was bad time.. Very dark time with few bright moments. I embraced being a woman and Holly… But you are still in the process.''
''I will try to use Holly…''
''Thank you…''
''God, this will be a bumpy ride…''
''Why?''
''Ooookkkk…. First crazy moment is falling for a girl. I never felt attracted to a woman. Never in my life…''
''I was a feminine boy….''
''Yes, you were… But you were a boy… ''
''Honey, you were a butch one even then…''
''Hey!''
She hit Holly on the hand.
''I was not…''
''Only when your mom dresses you. Those were only ladylike and feminine moments you had… You spent days in wife beaters, jeans and biker boots… You even stole some of my boxers…''
''They were comfortable…You have no idea how uncomfortable women's undies are…''
Holly lifted her brow…
''Ok, now you do… but men's undies rule… They are so nice and comfy and I love them…''
''As I was saying Peck…''
Gail turned and faced her.
''I want to kiss you…''
''Ok…''
She kissed Holly and at the beginning it was a gentle and very innocent kiss.
''I missed this…''
''What?''
''Just kissing with someone without expectations…''
''Yes, we can't jump into bed… We already are in bed…''
''Shut up smarty-pants…''
''Oh, God… You'll never change Gail Peck…''
''I think I have…''
''Good… Now move your butt. I have to take a shower and go to work. I have late shift tonight…''
''Nooo…''
''Yes, I have to go and poke around the dead people…''
''You are creepy…''
''I know… Now, let me go…''
Holly got off the bed and went to the bathroom. She took a shower and changed into jeans, turtleneck and high boots. Her hair was in a very neat bun and her makeup was flawless… Gail was now dressed in her own clothes and getting ready to leave.
''Wow, you look hot…''
''I try…''
''When does your shift end?''
''Midnight…ish….''
''Want me to pick you up?''
Holly smiled…
''You want to see me again?''
''Yes... I think we should try to work things out… and spend time together…''
''Oookkk…''
''Gail, just one detail…. You don't have a car...''
''Yes, I forgot about it… It's at home…''
''I'll give you a ride and then go drive to work. I can give you a call when I am close to finishing the work and we could meet up here? Or you wanted me to come to yours?''
''Mine is fine.''
'' Ok, then.''
Holly drove Gail back home and when Gail got in, she saw Chris sitting in her living room.
''Hey, I got worried what happened last night… You didn't come back and I was waiting for you.''
''I am a big girl Diaz. I spent a night at Holly's.''
''Ok… Ok… ''
''What Diaz? I am a big girl and I am able to pick where I sleep and who with….''
''Oh, you slept with Holly?''
''No, officer, we didn't have intercourse, if that's what has been bothering you?''
''Oh… I thought two of you… doesn't matter… Yesterday it looked as…You know… You had a couple's argument…''
''We are figuring things out… New territory and stuff…''
''Good luck with that…''
''With what?''
''Dating and stuff… You are not easy to date. You don't let people too close. I like the doctor. She is cool… Don't hurt her Gail. Let go of your baggage… She doesn't deserve the crusade we all had with the ghost of your past.''
She didn't want to explain to him why Holly would never have the same battles other people in her life had and how James is not a risk to their relationship.
''I'll keep that in mind…''
Gail's day was a bit slow. Her mind was wondering all the time to the new development in her life. Holly being James and all the things around it. Was she able to date a woman? Was she able to date a woman who was a man she loved? Was she able to keep Holly safe with all these murders happening? A lot of things were on her mind. She didn't want to sit at home so she went to work. She took a seat at her desk and started reading the files again. Sam got her coffee and sat on top of the desk.
''What is going on with you and a good doctor? Yesterday you seamed tense?''
''Nothing I want to talk about. Leave it to us… We have to figure out things… before we share the news with the universe…''
''Ok. I am just saying you look happy and relaxed with her… Like you know her…''
''You have no idea…''
Sam got off the desk.
''I emailed the doctor. We have the warrant. List is coming any minute now…''
''What list?''
''Endocrinologist's list of patients…''
Sam went to the restroom and the fax with names came. Gail started reading them and she felt sick. She dropped the papers, picked them up and took her coat. She had to go. She got into the morgue building and went to Holly's office. Holly was changing into her scrubs and was very surprised to see Gail.
''You are on the list!''
''What list?''
''Doctor's list… with all the names of her patients.''
''Oh…''
''That's all you have to say?''
''Gail, what should I say?''
''Someone could have seen it…''
''Calm down and take a deep breath… Stop being my girlfriend and be a detective. What's next?''
''Check the names…''
''Ok, start with that Gail…''
''Holly, can you check them?''
''What do you mean?''
''Do you know some of them?''
''Gail we are not AA… We don't have mandatory meetings…''
''I know…. But maybe you crossed paths with some of them…''
Holly took the paper and started putting stars by the names of the victims and circling the names of the people she knew. Out of sixty names, five people were dead, she knew eight people, and they had to find the way to warn the rest.
''What is next?''
''I have no idea… Could you call these people and tell them to pay attention or something?''
''I could… But, we don't have much to tell them…''
''I know… I know…''
''Gail, you are overthinking and that will cost you the ability to solve this.''
''What do you mean?''
''You are not thinking about the other names on the list. You are focused on one…MY name…''
''Holly…''
''Gail… I get it… You want to protect me and I want to live… But we have to try and see the bigger picture… and that is how else these five victims were connected.''
''What do you mean?''
''There are sixty names Gail… Why these five? Why were they the pick?''
''You have something on your mind Holly…''
''Doctor Bell has her private practice and has an office at the hospital… Check who is coming where to pick up their prescriptions… Check the staff at the hospital and her private practice. See if any names match the list. You know your work Gail. Just do it like I am not involved.''
''Where do you go?''
''I go to her house. She is a friend of mine… So…''
''You are not that much a name we should pay attention to…and besides… You pass...''
''I pass?''
''I never imagined you are not a woman… Let me tell you, with that make up and clothing you are sporting, babe, you are hell of a woman…''
Holly had to laugh at that…
''As much as it is insulting and prejudicial, I sense somewhere a compliment…''
''Hey, I never said I was the best compliment giver in the world…''
''You wouldn't dare to say something like that…''
''Fine, I am sorry if I said something insulting…''
''It's ok Gail because I know you, but if you meet someone from the list, be careful how you speak… And what you say… Please…''
''Fine…''
''Ok, so checking who is going where is the next task at my hands…''
''I would start from there… And maybe where they fill their prescriptions… If it is some pharmacy in the supermarket… Many people could see and not be happy…''
''Where do you do it?''
''Under the counter…''
''HOLLY!''
''Just joking. I have a friend who has a pharmacy and she is getting me all I need. Ok? It's all legal and regular…''
''Ok. See you later…''
Gail stepped to the side of the desk and kissed Holly…
''OHMYGODSHIT!''
They heard papers drop on the floor of Holly's office…