Chapter 10

Late April, Jackie had already been gone for about three week, Catherine never knew if she'd see her again. Catherine buried herself in her work as a Professor, her classes had been covered by several Professors in her department, so they were happy she was returning as they too had their own heavy workloads. Catherine's baby bump was still not visible, but she felt she'd better tell Professor Hecht she was pregnant. Professor Hecht was over joyed with the news, Catherine was like a daughter to him. Being her father's best friend, Professor Hecht had watched over her since both her parents died in a plane accident. After her appointment with her OBGYN, Catherine was told she'd be due sometime in early October. Catherine was three months into her pregnancy. Her dizziness and morning sickness had seemed to have subsided, which she was grateful for. Despite thinking about her pregnancy, Jackie never left her thoughts and what didn't help was that both Catherine and Mrs. Kirk continued to keep in touch. Mrs. Kirk had continued to call on Catherine when it came to Jackie's care, so much so, she told Catherine that she'd hoped Jackie would have stayed with her in Bloomington to be close to her doctors. Catherine knew that this was an excuse and that Mrs. Kirk was not comfortable being a mother to Jackie or having her home. Mrs. Kirk told Catherine that Jackie was doing well, but was suffering from intense headaches and she slept more than usual. This worried Catherine.

After each call, Catherine would ask to speak to her, but every single time, Jackie refused to take the phone from her mother's hand. Even though, Catherine had made several attempts in communicating with Jackie with no success, Catherine never gave up hope. She even wrote her emails, one a week to be exact. Catherine knew Jackie was reading them, as the University's email sent her a read receipt notice. But sadly, no respond ever came from Jackie.

Late in the summer, Catherine got the news that she'd be having a baby girl. By this time, Catherine's baby bump was no longer a secret, Professor Hecht and the faculty members were already planning on having a baby shower for her at the beginning of September. Catherine continued to work with no issues, besides her guilt over Jackie, swelling feet and her frequent bathroom breaks. Her male TA (teaching assistant) always made sure she was okay. In early August, Catherine started decorating the baby's bedroom and buying all the necessary items she would need. As Catherine didn't have any real friends, she hired an interior decorator to help her with the task. Catherine wanted pink everything. At night, she would sit in the baby's room and think about all the things they would do together. Catherine loved the holidays before her family died, but never celebrated after because she never had anyone she wanted to share it with until Jackie. Catherine couldn't wait for the holidays now because she would have her daughter. Catherine sat remembering that day when Jackie told her she'd be going home for Christmas and it brought tears to her eyes. That was the day everything changed.

Just when she thought she'd get to spend Christmas with Jackie, she left to Los Angeles to audition for the remake of Neptune 26. Catherine had told a sleeping Jackie, just the week before, that she was in love with her. The words she had never said to anyone after her parents had died. Everyone Catherine had ever loved had died, so it's no wonder she was afraid to say it out loud now to the person she loved. That night Catherine whispered an I love you cautiously to Jackie fearful that she'd lose her too. Everything was going great between them or at least she thought it was until Jackie decided to leave. Catherine really believed that Jackie would have chosen to stayed with her for Christmas. Catherine wanted to go all out for the holiday and get her very first Christmas tree since her parents died. Deep down, Catherine felt loving Jackie was safe, she was alone in this world just like she had been, both outcasts, this is what bonded Catherine even more to Jackie. That afternoon during dinner when Jackie told her about leaving for Christmas, this is when Catherine realized she had been wrong about Jackie. Catherine realized that Jackie might not feel the same way about her as she did about her. From that point in time, everything changed between them forever. Over the next three weeks that Jackie was gone, Catherine's feelings went from being hurt, to being angry, to wanting revenge. Catherine wanted to hurt Jackie for choosing and loving something more than her. Catherine believed that Jackie had played with her feelings. Enraged, Catherine wanted to hurt Jackie for causing her such pain, so when she got back Catherine did exactly that.

Now, thinking back on this period in her life with Jackie, Catherine felt ashamed with herself in how she reacted. Jackie had almost died because of her reaction. Catherine knew she needed help. So, after Jackie left with her mother back to Los Angeles, she began seeing Dr. Lindie regularly. Dr. Lindie had diagnosed Catherine with post traumatic stress syndrome from losing her parents at a young age. Catherine had never dealt with the lost properly, and now losing Jackie left her unable to deal with the new trauma of losing another person she loved. For months, Dr. Lindie had tried to help Catherine thru the guilt of what happened with Jackie. It's something she has not been able to move on from but Catherine knew she had to now that the baby was coming. Catherine wanted to be better for herself and her daughter.

Being very tall gave a very pregnant Catherine the advantage of not looking overweight, her appearance remained slender with a tiny baby bump. At eight months pregnant, Catherine was exquisitely beautiful and anyone who saw her admired her beauty. Beautiful outside but inside she was a mess emotionally. She missed Jackie. One morning as Catherine walked across campus to her office, she stopped by the place she first kissed Jackie, it was their beginning. As she leaded against the boulders, tears slowly began to fall from her eyes as she remembered kissing Jackie for the very first time here. She thought about how fast she went after Jackie and scared Jackie was of her. Any thought of Jackie took her back to their time together bringing tears to her eyes. Catherine knew her emotions were out of wack, but given her condition, it was completely understandable.

Catherine worked hard in getting ready for the new school year and getting herself emotionally ready for her baby. Jackie had never attempted to contact her, even though, Catherine continued to write her. She almost had given up hope from ever hearing from her again, until Professor Hecht said to Catherine one day, "Catherine, do you think it's wise for Jacqueline Kirk to register for a full load of coursework this fall semester? Is she really ready, she told me you were in agreement." Catherine turned white as a sheet as she was caught off guard by his question. Professor Hecht said, "Catherine, are you okay? " After some deep breathing and some water, Catherine calmed down. Returning to her office, she closed the door and made a call to Mrs. Kirk. Jackie had lied to Professor Hecht about talking with Catherine about the fall semester. Catherine was hurt, Mrs. Kirk confirmed that indeed Jackie was indeed in Bloomington. She told Catherine that Jackie had told her she was staying with you and that you went with her to her doctor's appointment. Mrs. Kirk was also upset Jackie had lied to her. "Honey, she left last week, I thought she was with you this whole time. Catherine, her headaches have gotten a lot worse," Mrs. Kirk said worried. Catherine told her not to worry that she was fine as Professor Hecht had met with her early this morning. Catherine couldn't believe that Jackie had lied to everyone.

That night, Catherine called Jackie's cell number numerous times, but no answer. She left her message after message asking her to return her calls, but she was unsuccessful. Catherine thought it be best to just give up, it was obvious that Jackie did not want to talk to her. As Catherine was getting ready to head up to bed, there was a soft knock on Catherine's front door. As Catherine looked out of the door window, she saw Jackie standing in the dark on her front porch. Catherine took a breath and opened the door to invite Jackie inside. Both women just stood there looking at each until Jackie looked down at her belly and softly said, "Your pregnant." A deafening quiet had set in between them. After a few seconds, Catherine said, "yes."

"Jackie, your mother told me that you have been in Bloomington for a week. Jackie, where have you been staying?" Catherine did not want to confront her on her lies. Catherine noticed that Jackie did not look well, she looked ill. As Jackie continued to speak Catherine noticed that she was sweating profusely and kept rubbing the back of her head. Without interrupting, Catherine let her continue, but knew something was very wrong with her. Jackie continued with her explanation that she had registered late and that there were no available dorm rooms, and that she had been spending her time looking for an apartment in walking distance of the university. "Jackie, you don't need to do that, I mean get an apartment, your room is still available here. Jackie, just come stay with me. Jackie, are you feeling okay? " Catherine said. Jackie became quiet, trying not to look at Catherine from where she stood. Jackie told her she was fine and that since her accident she had been having some headaches but that was all. Just then, Ethan walks into greet Jackie in the foyer with his toy in his mouth. "Hey Boy, I've missed you,"Jackie said, as she kneeled down in front of him to pet his head. As Jackie was getting up, she lost her balance and made a grab for Catherine's arm to steady herself. Catherine was correct Jackie wasn't well. Catherine was also surprised that Jackie was so calm after finding out she was pregnant. She thought for sure that Jackie would have bolted out of the house after unleashing her anger on her for being pregnant, but she didn't. There was no reaction. Concerned, Catherine did not know where any of this was going. Catherine did not want to push things, or push Jackie, so she allowed her to lead this visit.

As Catherine invited Jackie into the living room to sit on the couch, Catherine noticed that Jackie had become uneasy as she moved closer to her so she backed away. As she did, Jackie lowered her head down to her hands on her lap and began speaking softly to Catherine again. "Catherine, the reason I came here tonight is to apologize to you. I want you know that I appreciate all you did in caring for me. I know my mother and I know you had no choice, but to take me in." Catherine looked down at Jackie's hands and noticed that they were trembling. Jackie took in a deep breath and continued "I was awful to you and I am sorry. I have no excuses for treating you the way I did, Catherine." Catherine moved next to her to embrace her. Catherine intentionally placed her head next to Jackie's head to find out if her suspicions were true that she was burning up with fever. Catherine knew she had to do something, Jackie had a high fever. "Jackie, I want you to stay here with me tonight and your mother didn't make me do anything," Catherine said.

Deep down, Catherine knew that wasn't true, because the first opportunity her mother got to abandon Jackie, she did. "Jackie, you are not well. Let's get you to bed." Jackie remained quiet with her head down as Catherine watched on. As Jackie was getting ready to leave now standing by the front door, Catherine began to beg her to stay. She said, "Jackie, your not leaving, your not well. Please, Porcupine." After a few moments, Jackie agreed to stay for the night at Catherine's house, she knew Catherine was worried about her and she couldn't upset her in her condition.

Catherine led Jackie back to her old bedroom as soon as they entered the room, Jackie lied down on the bed. Catherine went into the bathroom and got her some Tylenol, a glass of water, and a wet washcloth for her head. As she sat on the edge of the bed, Catherine removed her sneakers and brushed her hair behind her ear. Jackie's breathing began to slow as she began falling asleep, as Catherine stood up careful not to wake her, Jackie said, "Catherine, please don't leave me."